workin' on it.......

'life just hurts sometimes, doesn't it?'

that's one of the first things i said today.
it was aimed to kinda hold someone's sadness.
but when i said it, i just really felt how true it was.

cause it's a sadness that may not work itself out to any pretty ending.
i know those.
i think we all do.
those are hard sadnesses to hold.
they're heavy and always seem to echo thru our bones.

just a few minutes after that i was listening to a song about the
awesomeness of just being alive. it filled me with gratitude for being here.

later, i sat with a cup of tea looking out my window at the soft gray autumn day.

it seemed to hold it all - the hurt and sadness, the wonder and beauty -
the depth of being alive.

i've been in an interesting spot lately.
it started when i listened to my heart that nite, (there's a blog here somewhere
about that) - it truly has seemed to change something in me.
kinda turned the direction of wanting to be whole and healthy really full tilt
into deeply wanting to live that and trying to back that up with my actions
and thoughts.

i keep surprising myself by the earnest dedication going on.
that's been easiest to see in my eating choices, and exercise choices.
but there's more -
it's in my listening/looking/holding choices.

i keep trying to hear better.......
i keep trying to see the mix - the hurt and the joy -
i keep trying to hold life with a reverence and know that it's only
for a short time that i get to explore.

it's only for a short time.
and it's so full of so much.
i want to hold all that i can.
and it's occurring to me that the only way i can really really do that
is to be as healthy as i can in mind, body and spirit.

what a cool reason to want to get healthier......