my song

i like to just laugh and say my hormones have been acting up.
cause they have.
and it's an easy way to just wave off all the emotions that have
been running thru me with such force that over and over i get knocked down flat.

but i don't believe it.
i mean, i know those hormones are playin' a part.
but it's the world, it's life, it's trying to be who i want to be that's all knocking
me down flat over and over right now.

that's not a bad thing.

in fact, it's a good thing.

it feels like it's a time that is necessary for me right now.
it feels like part of a process i must go thru.

i'm not sure why.
but it feels right.
even tho it's a bit tiring.

this morning i read something a friend of mine wrote.
she'll be speaking about it publicly, so i don't want to share what isn't mine to share.
so i'll just say this -
something i read gave me the idea that when the world is so full inside of me,
like it is now,  a release that could help would be to sing.

i was so struck with this thought, i wrote down 'song' on my calender
so that i would find a song that resonated and try it out.

this part here just completely boggles my mind -
i wrote the word 'song' down, and let the idea go, figuring i'd find one later,
that right now i had work to do.

as i dropped the pen and turned to grab some papers,
without even one tiny bit of a thought,
i started singing 'this little light of mine.'
it just came right out of my mouth.

i stopped, kinda stunned.
there was absolutely no thought involved.
i don't usually just start singing when i'm headin' to do paperwork.
that song hadn't been in my mind.
and truth be told, if i were going to pick a song that would be my release song,
it would be something more........oh.......sophisticated? deep? thoughtful?

but something i've learned thru my journey -
my ideas are never ever as good as what is handed to me in those unfiltered moments.

and here's the thing -
it WAS handed to me.
or sent thru me.
by who or what i couldn't tell you.
perhaps that inner wise woman inside of me.
perhaps my inner child.
perhaps an energy beyond me.
i have no idea.

all i know is, i found my song.

and today, after accidentally hearing world news that i had been avoiding
because i knew it would overwhelm me, after being overwhelmed and not knowing
what to do, i got a song in a way i can't even figure out. and that in itself
gives me some kinda hope i needed.

and the song? being a light....
i mean, really. what could be more perfect?
i went to youtube.
and found odetta singing it.
i hadn't heard odetta in years and years.
i popped this on, looked at the imagery as i listened
and i cried pretty darn good.

i found my song.
there was mystery involved.
there is always mystery involved.
we just need to see it.
and i needed to remember that.

feel like singing along?
check out odetta here!