Wednesday, March 25, 2015

gonna get it back.

i knew i had given up something i loved when i stopped my morning walks.
i knew that.
and wouldn't have stopped for any other reason besides it didn't feel safe anymore.
it made me sad and feel like i lost something i loved.

but i figured i would find what i got on my walks in different ways.

it's been a long time.
and i've tried different things.
but i haven't found anything that did for me what the walks did.

but it has been a long time.
so it's been a real gradual slide into 'whatever.'
without even knowing it.

i like my exercise that i do in the house.
i like the yard work.

and somehow i just let something so important to me just slide away.

the other nite i saw it.
i saw what i had lost.
and i saw how much i needed it.

and i was stunned at how it had slipped away so gradually that i just let it go.

i decided i had to find a way to get it back.
something that important had to be gotten back.

i know some of the key elements i need.
like the sky.
i gotta have the sky.
and bein' outside.

i know yard work distracts me from inner work.
so that's not it.

but i know that much and i plan on playin' around until i figure out how to get back what i lost.

so all that's being looked at.

the point here that i wanted to make is - I LOST IT.
without even knowing it.
i just figured i'd get it back somehow and in that casual figuring, i totally lost it.

how many of us have lost something that is so incredibly valuable to our well being?
how many times have we just let something slip away because we assumed it would
take care of itself? how much have we let go of because we weren't working hard to
keep it?

why do we let that happen?
and what are we gonna do about it?

do we just get old and one day figure out we lost most of the things that made life
worth living?

seemed like something to really notice.


Sherry said...

Recently I realized that I've been saying that word, "Whatever" waaaay too often. It is scary. To realize that we're dismissing things that matter out of hopelessness or desperation or exhaustion.

I wonder, though, (since I've been really focusing on being in the moment and acceptance lately)maybe it wasn't really lost? I mean, you're thinking about it now, and realizing its importance, and remembering how special it was and deciding to honor it and find it again. Maybe it had to go away for a while, but was never lost. Is that a possibility?

The theory I've been working with lately is of acceptance and trust. Accepting when something isn't working, letting it go, and trusting that what is right will come back or something new will take its place. You had tried to find something else, you waited and it never came. Maybe the slipping is part of it? Maybe it's not that you lost it, but that you *almost* lost it. It slipped, but you reached out and grabbed it before you forgot completely, and now get to hold it with a true awareness of how important it is. Just musings and wonderings on my part... trying to find my own way through this confusing life stuff. :)

Sherry said...

I forgot the other point I wanted to bring up, and that is: what were your options at the time? Struggle to keep something that wasn't working? Stress and obsess over trying to force it to work when life wasn't ready? I feel like that's what I've done with a lot of things that I had to let go of, but that were important to me, and that way doesn't usually work either. It's another classic example of a really thick grey area. Where is the line between not trying hard enough and trying too hard?

terri st. cloud said...

oh, sherry....awesome comment. thank you so much. and yeah, i *almost* lost it. and now i have a real awareness of how important it is.
thank you so much. it's good to see you. it's good to hear your thoughts....

terri st. cloud said...

just saw your p.s. -
i think i let it slip. i think i had another option. but what matters is i grab it now, yes?


Sherry said...

Yes, Terri, always what matters is now, and you're grabbing it! Thanks for the appreciation. It's funny, I feel like I'm returning to more me place lately, and fittingly, I'm finding as I always used to, that your posts are right in line with what's trending in my heart/soul too!

terri st. cloud said...

it's that mother/daughter connection we've got! :)