lessons

so all the lessons that surface when someone passes are surfacing for me.
perspective comes into focus and i really sit with thinking about what matters.

one of the things i realized is that for as hard as it was,
for all the darkness and heartache,
for all the friends and family that i lost,
for all the judgments and hurt,
i am so grateful i braved getting a divorce and venturing out on my own.

i am so grateful i claimed my life.

that's really good for me to see.
there was a tremendous amount of guilt flung on me,
and a tremendous amount of guilt i flung on myself.

and i really see clearly right now how important it was that i chose what i chose.

when it's all over, who did you live for?
how real did you live?
and how true were your relationships?
how honest was your life?

if someone ever says at my funeral 'she was the love of his life' -
i want it to really truly have been the healthy all of me who was the love
of someone's life. and i want that love to have been healthy and strong.

if someone ever says 'she lived fully with all she had' -
i want that to be honest true to my heart living. not the living what
i thought other people wanted kinda living.

and i see how hard it is to claim that and then to maintain it.
it's certainly something to always always be working at.

i have no idea what's beyond this life.
all i know is what's here.
and i know what it's like to live in denial and for other people's expectations,
and i know what it's like to claim yourself for real.

reaching for my honest self over and over matters so much to me.
and i'm reminded again that the work to do so is truly worth it.
and in the end, that's what will matter to me.

i feel a renewed strength to work even harder at it.
and to really pay attention to what i do with my moments.
a good place to be as i head into the weekend......