a light bulb

thinking out loud here......
thought this was a good place to do it.

i was thinking about people who have some pretty rough dysfunctions
which cause them to be harmful to others. not always obvious to other
people in the surrounding area, but very harmful to someone close by.

this can cover a ton of people/problems, i know.

so i was thinking of one person in particular, and then just kinda got broader
to include anyone like that.

i thought of the harm that they can cause to children.
emotionally, mentally, physically......any of it.
and some of the harm can be scars that are there for life.
even harm enough to end a life.

okay.
so i'm thinking of that stuff.
thinking of the people who do that.
and how they don't stop.
just cause their children grow up, doesn't mean they stop inflicting pain.

and because i was taking one person in particular in my head for an example,
it helped me see really clearly that maybe the person being harmed has no choices as a kid -
but when they grow up, it's really up to them to make the decisions to stop the harm.

so, okay....i haven't been doin' bone sighs for this long without realizing
that's an almost 'flip' thing to say. it sounds like i'm saying 'just make it stop.'
and i'm not.  i realize some of the pain is so deep and so disturbing sometimes,
that the person may not understand how to stop it, or even that they can.

i get that.
and i respect that.
so if you bristled, please don't.
i really do get that.

i think i'm talking about people who have come to a place where they know they can
make it stop. maybe they aren't sure exactly how,but they want to.

the more i thought about it, the more i realized that part of me just hangs on
to some kinda thought that the dysfunctional person will realize what they're
doing and stop hurting others.

some part of me wants that to be the case so some part of me holds something there
that can't work.

it can't work that way.
or, i guess it just mostly doesn't.
it's gotta be the one getting harmed stopping the harm.

in thinking about all this it was really clear to me.
it's up to you, me, us to stop the harm done to ourselves.

i'm not sure this fits at all. but it comes to mind and since i'm thinking out loud -
spose i'm having health problems. and eating certain things will hurt me and
quite possibly bring me deeper into the problems. and someone smiles at me
all the while knowing this, and hands me the very thing i need to avoid.

it's my job to say 'that hurts me. no thank you.'
or even 'that hurts me, why would you offer it to me?'

as an adult, it's up to me.
as a kid, it's a different story.

so, maybe anyone who's been really wounded as a kid really needs to offer themselves
self compassion. maybe really really deeply understand that they were a kid and it works
different then. it wasn't their fault. it wasn't their doin'. and be kind to that part of them.
(i know so many people struggle with that)
and then step up - even if you're shaking - as an adult and say 'from this day forward,
i'm going to work on not accepting the harm.'

maybe we get confused about it all.
i don't know.
i think i have.
i think that thinking the person doing the harming will stop is a stumbling block.
i think the getting lost in childhood guilt is a stumbling block.
and i think actively working on avoiding the harm, while extremely difficult, is empowerment.

and i realize none of this is news.
and yet, i felt compelled to come think, to come type, to come share.

how can something so simple as 'it's up to us to stop the harm?' be such a light bulb for me?
not sure. but it is.
so i'm putting it out here.