lightbulbs, lightning bolts and shivers kinda all hit
me as i typed that last blog moments ago.
i wrote something that i didn't even realize until i
wrote it!!
my dad!
he WAS quirky. he had his issues and all that stuff.
BUT he thought thru things like no one i ever met
before. he had very clear thinking and seemed
'RIGHT' to me so much of the time.
yeah, i could see things he did badly, fear that held
him prisoner, heavy stuff.......
but still........i have always thought he was RIGHT
about the things he thought.
my gosh.
my dad 'needed some space' from me after i
got divorced. long story. too complicated and personal.
but the gist.....he basically said he still loved me, but didn't
know how to deal with me and needed to stay away
from me.
it was after four years of not seeing him that i saw
him for the first time dying after a stroke. he couldn't
talk, altho he did try. but when he tried, it wasn't to
tell me he loved me....i was irritating him!
no kidding!
it's kinda funny.....
i didn't think he could talk.
and i was teasin' him about bein' a bad patient. he was
tryin' to tear some medical contraption off of his chest.
i was teasin.
tryin' to be light.
it irritated him.
and he was gonna fire back.
he tried.
i couldn't understand his words.
but i could see the look.
i laughed. told him he was still spunky and that was
a good thing.
it wasn't long after that he sunk into a coma.
it didn't take too long for that little scene to not
feel so funny anymore.
i've been tryin' for years to know i'm okay. to
believe in myself.
i knew that i carried a lot from all that.......
but i think what i just realized is i've always thought
dad was right about everything. so he must be right
about me, right????
i don't think i ever saw it soooooo clearly as the moment
i wrote that last post.
dad knew.
didn't he????
wow.
no.
he didn't.
he really really didn't.
not his fault.
he just didn't know.
time to kinda look at that one in the face.....
and i will.
i have a goal now, dad.
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