the holiness of the journey

he's been sad and preoccupied and trying hard not
to show it. he had made it thru multiple celebrations
like a champ.

every time i leaned in close to check on him, he'd
tell me he was fine. sometimes even go so far as to
say 'good.'

your typical guy. not gonna delve into it.

and so.....just before they left, i took him in
the other room and tackled him to get his attention.
there we were, eyeball to eyeball, my hair hangin'
in his face....

'tell me how you are for real.'

'fine. good. okay. really.'

'you're not okay. out with it.'

even a guy has to crack open a bit sometime,
has to say 'uncle.'

and so we talked a little bit. eyeball to eyeball.
and i could see way way down deep inside of him.
i slid in next to him and just listened.

what a good good man.
and what a sadness he's carryin' right now.

this season is such a mix. it truly is a magnifier.
it can make things so beautiful and magical. it can
makes things so painful and hard. it just seems to
take life and make it more intense all the way around.

there are moments i don't really like that. but only
moments, because then i think about the depth of this
season and what it holds and what it means to me....
and it's the best time to hold the hard things.

i remember when my dad was dying before christmas,
i remember looking at the christmas lights on my way
home from the hosptial. i remember the peace they gave
me and what that light in the darkness reminded me of.

i do think it's all magnified....
but beyond the 'good stuff' and beyond the 'bad stuff'
what also is magnified for me is the 'BEYOND the good
and the bad stuff'....

the holiness of the journey is somehow magnified too.

and that is what i'll hang on to as we head towards
a new year.....