dinner

i kissed his dad who was standing in
the crowd and then squeezed myself
next to him on the bench. everyone
was waiting their turns to go in for
dinner.

gave us a chance to talk before we sat
down to eat.

we immediately got into this fun conversation
about his new used car and the death of
his old one. we laughed and kidded and
bonded over car issues.

his dad looked at us in bewilderment.
i think he wonders how we do that sometimes.

even i'm surprised at how easy it can
be between us. we have been thru so much
thru the years that i have known him.

there's been a tremendous amount of struggle
and pain. resentments. frustrations. wanting
to beat my head repeatedly against the wall...
these are things i've experienced in my time
with him.

he and his brother have been some of the
biggest challenges of my life.

ever.

so to have all this history and still meet up
and actually enjoy each other....well, that
seems a bit miraculous to me.

there's something there.
and i'm grateful it is.

i came with two things in particular to
offer the conversation.

one was my struggle with self doubt earlier
in the day. i knew that he had his own struggles
and to share mine might help him with his.
and so i offered it. not for me.
but for him.
i didn't get very far.
but i never know what seeds get planted.
so i try.

another was a thought i had along the way.
i was thinking about zakk as i drove to the
restaurant and how if i was the grand creator
of people, i would never have been able to even
THINK of the great combination of personality
parts that make who he is. it's such a great mix.
and i wouldn't have been creative enough to
come up with the mix.

then i thought of everyone i knew. same deal.

i thought of these two quirky men i was about
to have dinner with.
ohmygosh......definitely the same deal.

and i brought that to the table.
told him that if i had the power to create people,
i wouldn't have been even able to conceive of the
interesting mix that made him who he was.

he liked that.
wanted to hear more about that.

that's tough water for me to tread spur of the
moment with him.

so i gave him a few things....
and tucked away his interest.

i spend the day with his dad today.
i thought maybe he and i could actually write
down the wonderful quirky mix that make his son
who he is.

we could actually write a wonderful list.

and then.......i'm gonna send it to him for
valentine's day.

big grin.
i really think he'd like that.
i really think he needs that.

in fact, if it goes good, i think all the guys
in my life will get one!! and maybe i'll see
if i can get brothers helping me write them
about brothers. it could be fun.

hugging him goodbye last nite, i told him
it was good to see him.

life is weird.
moments like that.....dinners with laughter
and kidding and just hangin' for the sake of
hangin'.......those things matter a ton to me.

still wanting to do that after all our history....
well that in itself matters a ton to me.

kindness had a lot to do with it.
in between the frustrations......i offered a lot
of kindness. i know i did. cause i spent hours and
hours wrestling with myself over that one.
it didn't come easy.

ya think you're doin' that for others when you
do that. i do anyway. i think that i'm offering
something to others........

but you're not.
well..you are.
but......
it's for you.
in ways you don't even know.

i always get way more back than i ever give.

and dinner last nite....
the joking around with him with his dessert....
the bonding over his car loss...

the good feeling walking up my sidewalk....

direct results of kindness.

may i never forget how much it matters.
it makes life so much more beautiful.