good decisions....

i think i figured out i was a woman when
i hit 40. or...at least...female.
i kinda flip flopped on believing i was
a woman....grown and an adult and all
that......but i did figure out that i
was female.

grin.
yeah.

i had had three sons, breast fed them all,
took care of the home, all that women stuff...
and yet, i don't think i really knew i was
female.

and then i kinda woke up to it.
woke up to my self.

interesting timing.
it's the same time that i decided
i wanted a divorce...

and since then, i've noticed things....

feminine issues and topics matter a whole
whole lot to me.

a whole lot.

i'm reading elizabeth gilbert's latest book
on marriage. and loving it.

she's exploring the topic of marriage as she's
being 'forced' into it because of some homeland
security issues!

she's funny, bright, and thinks the same way i
do about all of this. so it feels fantastic for
me to read.

and it's got me thinking.
a lot.

this morning i was thinking of the decisions
i've made to keep my sons and i together as
the unit we've been since my divorce.

choosing not to marry (or co-habitate) has
been one of many of the decisions.

reading this morning of the many different ways
that women give themselves up, and reflecting on
the many different ways i have done so thru out
my life, i thought of my sons and i and the life
we chose together. and how i've kept it together.

and for the first time ever, i felt a whole lotta
pride in that.

and gratitude towards myself.
for not giving me up yet again.

when i got divorced, i needed time on my own.
i needed time to figure out who i was and what i
can do.
i needed time to sit with my boys and figure out
who we were together. and what we could do
together.

i NEEDED it.
and i could so have easily lost track of that.

i still need it.
i'm not done with this part of the journey yet.
and i'm in no hurry.

it's just that this morning, i saw many times
where i had buried my needs and lost part of me...

and then i saw this very very big time here
where i held my needs and claimed them.
i made no apologies for them.
i owned them with all of me.
take it or leave it, this is the deal.
and i answered my own needs.

and this morning as i looked back over these
years, i thought of all that those decisions
had given my sons and i.

and i bowed down in gratitude to myself...
for following my gut.

sometimes it's one heck of a gut.

it's been one heck of a pay off too.
and for that, i am so darn grateful.

embracin' my life, baby.....