pondering

there was a day, years ago, that affected me
profoundly. i think over all these zillions
of blogs, i musta written about it before.

it was a day where i was completely stretched
to my limits. bob was in the hospital and i
thought he was dying. i was trying to cope,
be there for him, handle my life around the
edges there and deal with his completely
self centered and insensitive sons. it was
a lot for me. and stretched me so far that
i think it actually pulled me into a different
place.

thru that day, over and over, i reacted all
around me with incredible kindness.

i say 'incredible' because i think i am usually
kind. this day i was in a different zone.
and without any effort at all, i was beyond
my usual kindness....and had moved into something
incredible.

i hadn't tried.
so it's not any kinda bragging here.
i can't take credit for it.
it just happened.
i can't say it's natural.
i think it took a crisis to totally push me there.
and i'm not sure why i went there.
but i did.

and as the day progressed, i noticed it.
because it was as if tiny miracle after tiny miracle
were happening all around me. in reaction to it.

i was stunned.
none of it was an effort.
i don't know how to explain it....
but it all just happened without me being aware
that i was doing it.

i called bob's son wanting to skin that kid alive,
and as the phone rang, something musta shifted,
cause i heard myself with him, and i was kind.
really kind.
i had gone from wanting to kill him, to being
incredibly loving towards him.

things like that.

but MANY things like that ALL day.

i have no explanation for what was goin' on inside
me that day. but that nite, driving home, i was
overwhelmed with what had happened all around me.

i wrote a bone sigh about it called 'kindness.'

'understanding now that this was the way
to open her heart,
she dropped to her knees and opened herself
to its presence.'

i felt i had touched a little chunk of god that day.

it's years later now....and i've forgotten that
commitment i had made back on that nite.
i have forgotten that feeling of dropping to
my knees.

oh yeah, i'm nice. kind even.
but i was different that day.
and have never been that way again since.

i was thinking of that yesterday when i saw the
quote. i was thinking how that slipped right thru
me.

this morning, our quote of the day reminded me that
more than one profound insight has slipped away.

another profound moment, where i knew i was more
than what met the eye here. i knew that i (and
everyone) had come from the stars.

i was filled with this feeling....
and wrote this:

'she had brought it with her from the stars.
and after she spread some of its Light,
she would bring it back.
because now she knew.'

i read that this morning and remembered being
filled with that feeling.

a feeling i've also let slide on thru.

i know that i get thoughts, get excited about
them, forget them, and then get them again in
a different form, get all excited again, and
on and on it goes.

i know that.
and i'm fairly okay with that.

but this morning thinking of these profound
moments and the feelings inside....and then
letting that slip away.

i'm not sure i'm okay with that.

i guess i need to be.
i guess.

i don't know.
it's on my mind.
and so i offer it.

is there a reason we don't hold on to these
things? or do we need to just pay more attention?

i'm thinking pay more attention seems like it
may very well be the answer.

but i just don't know.