that icky feeling

mary left a comment yesterday that i have been
holding ever since i read it.

since everyone can read it anyway, i thought i'd
clip most of it right here.
because......i bet ya every single reader here
has felt this......
i don't know....but i know i have.....
and it's one heck of a tough thing to feel.

here it is:
this week I've felt the heaviness of not
being known. People say they love me but
don't have a clue how I work/who I am.
Then when I try to tell them I get sucked
into feeling less than/defending myself
and turning into who I think they want me to be.

sound familiar?
if not, consider yourself blessed!!!

i have been holdin' that and turnin' it over in
my hands since i read it....
cause i so know that feeling.
here's some thoughts on my own journey with that....

something i've noticed with the different
times i've felt that....

with some people it's totally valid.
the REALLY don't get me.
won't ever get me.
may say they get me or say they want
to get me.....but won't ever really go there.
and then tell me they love me.

not a question about it, that feeling
i get is based on truth. and with those
people i've created a little space between
me and them. because i had to.

i don't EXPECT them to get me anymore.
and their 'i love you's' only go see
deep inside of me.

but with my partner....
when i get that feeling about him...
ohhhhh that's such a miserable feeling.
i have to really sit myself down and remember
what it is we share. and when i do that,
i have to know it's not true.
because it's not.
he really really does see me.

we live apart. some days we may talk only
ten minutes to each other. we usually go
a few days before we meet up again, and
sometimes it's just not easy to pour out
everything that's happened to you in those
few days.

that has been a huge challenge for me.

and then when i manage to pour it out,
if i don't feel like he's listening, or
getting it, or even cares, i have been
known to get a little crazy.

and i go immediately into 'he's not seeing
me.'

because i have a history with that.
and i have a total fear of repeating that
history.

something i'm learning tho....he gets
a lot of it, some he misses cause no one
can get it all, sometimes he can't
listen cause his need is to not hear it
right then, and he always cares.

that's a pretty big paragraph.

no one's gonna get all of it. i hate that
part. i wish it wasn't so. but i think
that's true. and i think that's why we
carry that 'solo' feeling around that we
do. we are in this solo many many times.
and we are connected all at the same time.
weird stuff.

then.....
sometimes he just can't listen.

and i've gotten way more comfortable
with that.

if i NEED him to, he would.
i trust that.
if i HAD to be heard and he was in a
'let's just hang out' mood....i would
have to see that and put my need out there,
and then he'd answer the need.

if he wouldn't, i wouldn't want to be with
him. i know he's there for me.

but sometimes i need to see he can't
do it right then. that's HIS need.

but it doesn't mean he doesn't know me.
or that he doesn't care.

this has taken me a lotta years to figure
out.

for real.

to allow him space for his needs to be met,
my needs must dance with his.

and i have to trust enough to know that when
mine aren't getting met, it's not cause he
doesn't love me or see me.....he's just claiming
some space for him.

the same way that i claim space for mine.

i am finally really getting this.

it's hard to write about...as i reread it,
i hope it doesn't sound like i'm okay with my
needs not getting met over his needs.
that's not it.

i'm okay....i'm BECOMING okay...with our needs
dancing together and knowing that there is
always a give and a take.

and i can be comfortable with that because
i finally finally finally do trust that
he sees me and cares for what he sees.

that he always cares.

so when i get those feelings with him these
days......i sit myself down and really look.
and know it's not true.

when i get those feelings with other people,
i know that they CAN be true.
that people love me for what they need me
to be...not for who i really am.
that that happens.

and maybe that's okay.
it doesn't lessen who i am.
and i'm learning to make a little cushioning
space between me and them.

and the days i forget, and it all lands on
my head?
it totally sucks and it's one of the worst
feelings in the world.
which is why mary's comment caught my heart.
i know the feeling.
the feeling sucks.

and maybe, the feeling makes us dig deeper
and create more of what we want.

it has for me.
and my gosh, i know it will continue to do
so! cause that feeling comes crashin' over
me more times than i'd ever want....

but maybe.....just maybe.....it's growin'
us, teachin' us self love.....and teachin'
us how to love another.