up for it....

i read something that hit me so hard,
i didn't know what to do with it.

as i was telling josh about it, he said
that it looked like i was half under
a boulder. like half of it had rolled off
but the other half was still on.

and that's exactly what it felt like.

i also told the guys that 'this is so much
i don't even know how to handle it.'

and i put it aside.

in the morning, as i was getting out of
my shower, i had a vivid memory of a really
bad moment. it was vivid. i was there.

i got dizzy in the bathroom, hung on to
the towel bar and steadied myself.

too long in the hot water, i thought.

but then i noticed something.

i couldn't stand up straight.
my back hurt.

oh no.
darn.

as i made my bed thinking about the memory
and thinking that maybe it was so emotional
for me, that my back acted up, i looked over
at the book i had been reading the nite
before.

it was as if someone slapped me. it was that
clear a thought.

oh man.

between the book and the memory......
and yes, they overlapped with issues....
my body was reacting.

aw man.

i told the guys my theory at breakfast.
my body was tellin' me not to ignore what
was up.

okay. okay.
i went and wrote down 'i am processing this.'

a little note to my body.
now will you ease up on the back???

um.
nope.

i hobbled around all day.

i talked to bob about it.
what do you see? i asked him?
what am i missing? i wanted to know.

we had several conversations thru out the day.

i listened a lot. and thought a lot about what
he said.

i could see there was so much there......
including dark parts of me that i wasn't sure
how to deal with.

as i lay in bed this morning, i talked with
myself.

'this is the deal,' i told myself.
these are the cards you got dealt.
this is what you have to work with.
how clearly you see them and what you do with
them is up to you.

yesterday, i was so bummed about my back.
didn't want the ache. didn't want the facing
things.

this morning i actually feel kinda excited.

it's not a 'once you get it, you get it.'
kinda thing with life.
at least for me it's not.

it's a take a baby step here, go a few steps
here, fall down. go back a few steps. take another
step forward.

and here and there in that crazy dance, there are
those real steady strong move ahead steps.

i think i'm about to take one of those....
thing is.....it's a challenge.

and i think i'm up for it.

and that makes me kinda excited......