churning

so i got on the tread mill without my music.
too much to think on this morning....
and so i walked and walked and walked on that
silly thing.

and i thought.

and i thought....okay......i feel crazed inside
again. fine. whatever. maybe i can just ignore
that and do all the things i want to do today.
yeah. yeah. let's just ignore it.

hmmmmm.......that's dumb, i thought. it'll just
come back.

and so i launched into a debate of how much energy
to give the crazy feelings. too much energy directed
that way, and it takes over. not enough, and it
takes over.

there's a balance here somewhere.
maybe i can find it.

i walked and my thoughts rambled.
i have no idea how i got to a memory i got to.
but somehow, i remembered when i was a young teen
workin' at a 'hospital' that i used to volunteer at.
it was an institution in the worst sense of the word.
and there was a ward full of kids who had been stashed
in this place and would never leave. they had a range
of things....from physical deformities to severe autism
to muscular dystrophy to all kindsa things. forgotten
children.

i volunteered there all my teen years. and early on,
i ended up making construction paper name tags for over
the cribs and beds. just to brighten the place up a bit.
i started with the kids i worked with. too shy to do but
a few. but gradually nurses from different rooms would ask
me to make them for their rooms, and after a bit, i had
decorated the whole ward. i was prolly 15. and these were
just construction paper animal cut out name tag things.
nothing fancy for sure. but ANYTHING brightened up that
place.

i remembered my heart back then. i remember being shy
about creating things for others, but seeing that it
could help, i went ahead and did it.

i looked back at that young teen, and now at this late
forty something woman.

ohmygosh.
some things REALLY don't ever change.

and i could see my heart was so the same.
i like to think it's wiser now....but the desires,
the drive, the caring.....it's all the same.

and i held on to that.

this midlife stuff can unnerve me.
things don't feel familiar.
i don't understand what's going on inside me sometimes.
i want the churning to stop.
i don't know where to hang on to.

and then.....i saw my heart.
and i saw it was steady.
and i liked it.
looking back at it....and all along.....
i liked it.

and as i walked on that tread mill, i held on
to that. something steady to hold in the waves.

my soul is churning. and i'm not sure what to
do with it sometimes. when i read that line
i posted below about it demanding to be seen,
loved and honored...oh wow......that actually
calms me down a bit.

is that what the churning is?
and how does the soul connect to my heart?
if i can see my heart and recognize it and love
it and honor it...am i seeing my soul?
is that something different?

i'm not sure. but i figure starting with my heart
is a good place to start. and i tell ya, that was
the first steady moment i felt on that treadmill
when i saw it was the same all along and it was
something i could look at and hold.

i have been talking for years about seeing myself.
maybe my soul is tired of all the talk and wants
some action.

maybe that's what this is all about......