once again...

so i thought i could sail thru.
it's been four years.
if i just keep goin'.
acknowledge it quietly to myself and keep goin'.
don't tell sappy stories, don't get all filled
with tears...don't write all about it.
just go on.

i tried.
i really did.

but then i really wanted to visit his grave.
the pull was really strong.
and so i had to at least let it out a bit.

and the day went haywire for me.
i tried.
but there was a little girl screaming inside
that her dad died on this day and she wasn't
okay about it.

there was the start of a drive up to the grave,
but it didn't take long to realize the drive
wasn't a good idea.

and the day kept goin' haywire.

oh, i kept it together on the outside
far more than on the inside. even tho, i know the
outside seemed pretty darn shaky to observers.
but they had no idea how much LESS shaky the outside
was than the inside.

that little girl inside was just screamin' about it.

it wasn't about the good memories.
it wasn't about the bad memories.
it wasn't about what could have been if we had more
time...it wasn't about the mess we made of what time
we did have.....it wasn't any of that....

it was just plain and simply that he died and she
didn't know where he was and it wasn't okay.

sometimes it's no more than that.
a part of me screaming.

and the day passed....and a new day's here.
there's still a sadness....but i think the screaming
may be over.

for now.

do we ever get used to this death stuff???

do we ever get used to something that we considered
ours no longer being here???

and then i remember........none of it is ours.
it's all a gift.

every moment is a gift.

the screaming calms....and embracing the now begins...
once again.