achoo!

something was making me sad. but more than that,
it was pushing buttons inside of me.
the kinda pushing where deep waves of things were coming up.

i watched and listened and saw what it was all about,
understood, offered myself compassion.
but didn't know what to do with it beyond that.
what do i do with these darn waves?

'i think i'll go rake some leaves in the dark.'

cause you know, that'd be awesome therapy!

ohmygosh.

my own yard.
in the dark.
moon in the sky.
insects making insect noises.
slightest most gentle chill in the air.
rabbits hopping away when i got near.

a little piece of heaven.

i decided to rake under the pine trees.
lots of needles there and it smelled so good.
not so dark tho.
near the house.
motion light goes off.
lit up the area around me.
gentle enough tho that i didn't care.

oh! i could see the pine cones on the ground.

i ran inside to get my bin of pine cones i'd been collecting.
i had that excitement i used to feel when the kids were little
and we played in the back yard at nite. it was so magical, and you'd
run inside to grab something and you just knew you were going back
out into magic....guess that's the same feeling i had as a kid as well.

that was the feel.
i smiled.
it felt good to feel that.

grabbed the bin, listened to my sneakers hit the wood floor
and felt electric with the nite. i headed back out.

i gathered pine cones and talked to myself.
breathed in the wonderful sappy smell.
and then started raking the pine needles.

and talking to myself some more.

'i don't know what to do with this deep feeling' i said.

'so don't do anything' came the answer.
'do you do anything about your nose? it's just there.'

huh?
it wasn't snarky, but the voice back certainly had a tone.
it took me by surprise.

'well,' i answered....'my nose makes it so i can breathe.
it's kinda important.'

'yeah, and it gets stuffed up and runny and nasty colds, right?
and you don't do anything right? you say 'oh, i need to rest now,
my body's telling me to rest.' and you treat it gently and take care of it.
you don't feel any need to get rid of it or to change it. you understand it
needs to run its course.you understand that this is just the process of
having a nose. why is this any different?'

i thought about that.

wow.
i'd never thought of it that way.

kinda like my emotions caught a cold.

i need to be gentle with myself, know it'll run its course, no need to change it.
just need to rest and let it be.

seriously?

i raked and thought about that.

'well, gosh, okay. i can buy that' i thought.

and i looked up and saw the moon between the branches of trees.

i just stood there.
and thought about how lucky i truly am.

even if my emotions do have a cold.
or maybe - just maybe - because they DO have a cold.
and i can feel so deeply.

i felt the nite around me.
in my own yard.
in the dark.
moon in the sky.
insects making insect noises.
slightest most gentle chill in the air.

i thought of what i say when i have a cold and sneeze - god bless me.

i smiled.

'god bless me.' i whispered.