pondering how it works for me....

so there was this happening in my life with bone sighs yesterday.
drama and nasty stuff.
and i asked my friends and customers on fb to help report a problem that needed reporting.

and they were right there.
rallying around me.
supporting me.
and reminding me of the many things i needed to remember.

things like not to hold on to negativity.
things like to concentrate on light and love.
to remember who i was.

those kinda awesome reminders which can help so much.
and the kinda reminders which spoke volumes about the light in their hearts.

and just the very fact that they were right there for me and in such a positive way,
it filled me with such gratitude that in the end that's about all i felt.

but it was a day full of thinking.
and wondering.
and trying to look at who i was, who i wanted to be.
that kinda thing.

and something caught my eye.
it was the comments about this event happening because i needed it to learn
something. this arriving now for a certain reason. the 'everything happens for
a reason' thread.

that caught my eye.
because while i respect the belief and appreciate the offering,
and can use it for food for thought for sure - it's not part of my own beliefs.

but here's what's so cool -
it doesn't matter if i believe that or not.
cause here's what i've come to believe -
and the outcome is very similar. there's just a slight twist.
but the twist matters a ton to me.

events happen.
bad stuff/tough stuff/icky stuff/painful stuff happens.

and i don't know why.
sometimes i think i do, but that's prolly when i really don't!

i have no idea if something comes at a certain time for me to learn a lesson,
i have no idea if something enters my realm just for me to grow.

i really have no idea.

but here's the thing - does it have to?
does it have to be aimed at me and my growth?

that's the part i don't think i go with anymore.

how about this?

it's up to me to aim at it.

what i believe is that there are lessons in everything. in the dark/ick/hard.
in the fun/joyful/great - the lessons are in every thing, every moment,
every darn piece of life and living.

if we choose to open to them, we can grow.
if we choose not, we don't grow.....we may even shrink.
or we may just be taking a break until we can choose to do differently.

it's up to us what we do with what we encounter in life.
not because it's handed to us for lessons.
but because the whole act of living is one big ol' ball of learning.
just because that's what life is.

and we get to choose if we see it that way or not.
and we get to choose if we aim at it and learn stuff that can help
us right at the moment that we're in.  we get to choose if we make
the moments meaningful to ourselves or not.

and i love that.

that slight twist, for me, somehow, in my mind, makes me more of
an artist of my own life. it keeps the mystery, but makes it even more
mysterious to me.......

and yeah, sometimes i hate it as i don't want to always have the
responsibility. altho.....yeah, i guess i do.

and that's what kept coming back up for me yesterday.
i have power in who i want to be.
i can take this moment and aim at it and mix into it and swish around
in it and see what i come out with.

and when i sat myself down and asked myself who i wanted to be,
and could i try to be that thru this, and could i try to open to it -
i liked my answer.

i didn't live it every single moment.
that's for sure.
in fact, i lived it less moments than i wanted.......
but i lived it enough to stay near what i wanted to be near,
and i lived it enough to stay aware thru it all.

and i want to keep working at it.
cause yeah, i got a long way to go....

did life hand me this event to teach me something?
i don't know.
i doubt it.

i kinda feel like life played itself out.

and i chose to aim my heart at what it was playing out.
and i chose to spend a little bit of that time letting my heart open.

and i like that.
i like that a lot.

good thing, as i'm sure life will keep at it.....
and so will i.