the crippled control freak.

i started reading a new book.
so far i love it.
he talks about feeling all your emotions.
so i walked and thought about that.
not so sure i do that.
you would think i do.
but i'm not feelin' real confident that i do.

he mentions that we have to stop trying to
have control by only allowing certain feelings in.

i absolutely know that i control myself and my
feelings a lot. so i'm thinking maybe i'd better
listen.

so i started thinking about control.
i'm not REALLY a control freak, i thought.
i don't try to control my kids or my guy....
but yeah, maybe with me, that's where i'm one.

i was coming up to my goodmorningworld spot and
there was a big ol truck parked right where i say
good morning to the world.

'what's he doin' in MY spot?!' i thought.
and then i laughed right out loud.
oh yeah, maybe i have more of a control side than
i realize.

hmnmmm....
was that a universal nudge or what?!

so i delved in more.

i ended up here.....

five years ago, if i was standin' around a gathering
and someone asked me if i believed that good didn't
always win, i woulda known the words to say and woulda
explained that of course i understood that. how could
you look around you and really think otherwise?

but i wouldn't have believed it.
cause i didn't.
i still believed good always won.

maybe.....just maybe......that's my control freak side.
i WANT good to always win.
that's what i want. so that's what i'll believe.

hmmm....
and then life hit me in the face several times in a row
and smacked that belief right outta me.

i can't believe it any more.

maybe, i thought...maybe mid life is when you've seen
too much, and your control freak can't control anymore.
you can only fake the control beliefs for so long...
maybe they start falling apart. maybe mid life is when
your inner control freak gets crippled.

and maybe the struggle i feel thru this time of life
in trying to find my beliefs and purpose is directly
related to the thrashing about that my inner control
freak is doin'.

i thought of my friends and my family.
i don't control them.
but i get overwhelmed with wanting to fix everything
for them.
yeah.
that'd be control.

the idea of suffering and dying.....
shoot, i'm just not good with that.
again with the control.

it runs rampant thru me, but not in the obvious ways.

and that inner control freak is really feelin' crippled.

and i'm thinking my beliefs are based on this stuff.
wow, what a weird feeling that is to really even consider
that.

my actions, my beliefs, my emotions that i allow in.
i control it all.
and what's controlling the controller??

oh my goodness, have i got some thinking thru to do.

and this book tells me where to start.....
feel every feeling.
don't filter.
don't control.

okay.
i'll try.