Tuesday, December 8, 2009

desperation and consent

i found myself filled with that desperate
midlife feeling again.

i thought i was pretty much past that feeling,
but it seems to keep resurfacing.
i feel like i've made it out of the darkness,
but i'm still in the unknown and confused
part. and it feels desperate sometimes.

a friend gave me a book that is hitting sooo
good. i'm drinking it in like some sort of
medicine.

it's called 'traveling with pomegranates' by
sue monk kidd and her daughter ann.

i found myself stopping everything yesterday,
putting my feet on my desk, and reading a bit.

last nite, i quit early and sat on my couch,
and soaked in more of the book. and that's
what i felt like i was doing. soaking in it.
i needed it so much.

i read this line last nite:
'simone de beauvoir was of the opinion that if,
at menopause, a woman gives her 'consent' to
growing older, she is changed inito a 'different
being,' one who is more herself, one who is
complete.'

i'm not at menopause yet. but i keep mixing
menopause and midlife together. and i've certainly
got something goin' on.

and maybe this whole 'consent' thing is a really
good point.

i realized for the first time last week....
i mean REALLY realized....that my periods would
stop one day in the not too distant future.

and i really wasn't happy about it.
i'm really not okay with that.

i LIKE my periods.
i do.
i like my cycle.
will i still have a cycle?
some sort of thing i can track and watch and
observe???

i'm not sure i'm okay with this.

and that's the thing, i think....
i'm not sure i'm okay with any of this.

and i'm grinning.

i think maybe that's the part i gotta look
at.

the part about giving consent.
the part about being okay about it.
and finding more of my wholeness.

yeah.
that sounds about right.
sigh.

i wonder if i'll EVER get this stuff down???

1 comment:

Dani said...

Menos Pauein - moon pause - menopause

"During moon pause, women became even more revered, because they no longer shed their menstrual blood but rather retained it inside their wombs. Rather than being fertile only once a month, moon pause women were considered to be fertile each and every day, and their blood, called the 'wise blood', no longer needing to be shed to create and sustain life in the womb, would be used to birth a dream, a fulfillment of a tribal need, or a vision for the future wellbeing and survival of their people."

Gives a whole new way to look at menopause - eh?