desperation and consent

i found myself filled with that desperate
midlife feeling again.

i thought i was pretty much past that feeling,
but it seems to keep resurfacing.
i feel like i've made it out of the darkness,
but i'm still in the unknown and confused
part. and it feels desperate sometimes.

a friend gave me a book that is hitting sooo
good. i'm drinking it in like some sort of
medicine.

it's called 'traveling with pomegranates' by
sue monk kidd and her daughter ann.

i found myself stopping everything yesterday,
putting my feet on my desk, and reading a bit.

last nite, i quit early and sat on my couch,
and soaked in more of the book. and that's
what i felt like i was doing. soaking in it.
i needed it so much.

i read this line last nite:
'simone de beauvoir was of the opinion that if,
at menopause, a woman gives her 'consent' to
growing older, she is changed inito a 'different
being,' one who is more herself, one who is
complete.'

i'm not at menopause yet. but i keep mixing
menopause and midlife together. and i've certainly
got something goin' on.

and maybe this whole 'consent' thing is a really
good point.

i realized for the first time last week....
i mean REALLY realized....that my periods would
stop one day in the not too distant future.

and i really wasn't happy about it.
i'm really not okay with that.

i LIKE my periods.
i do.
i like my cycle.
will i still have a cycle?
some sort of thing i can track and watch and
observe???

i'm not sure i'm okay with this.

and that's the thing, i think....
i'm not sure i'm okay with any of this.

and i'm grinning.

i think maybe that's the part i gotta look
at.

the part about giving consent.
the part about being okay about it.
and finding more of my wholeness.

yeah.
that sounds about right.
sigh.

i wonder if i'll EVER get this stuff down???