i came down to a comment this morning from coleen.
and i tell ya, it sparked this whole thing inside of me.
she lost her husband of 30 years 5 months ago. she says
it's getting harder for her emotionally, not easier,
and people think she should be further along in her
when i hear stuff like that, i just want to scream.
(not at YOU, coleen! not at you!!!)
what is WITH people who tell other people how their
grieving process should go??!! and WHY do these people
think there's some sorta time table?!!
it makes me crazy.
i have heard this kinda thing so many times from people coming thru.
a sister lost her sister, and her coworkers told her she
needed to get on with life.
a mom lost her daughter and wasn't healing fast enough
for her friends' tastes.
a mom lost her son, and didn't know how to go on, but felt
such pressure to 'put on that happy face' for her family.
all these women felt some kinda guilt or shame about their
what is up with that?!!!
and coleen was commenting on the 'watching' blog....where
i stepped outta myself and watched what was goin' on.
and while i think that's a really cool thing to do, i think
we need to be aware that that's not always something we're
able to do ESPECIALLY when we're carrying grief. if there are
moments you can and want to try that, that's fine. cool.
do it. it's interesting and can show you some stuff, i think.
and if there are NO moments where that feels like anything
you could possibly do, then that's fine. because that's not
where you're at right then.
accepting where we're at and allowing our emotions is what
i like to tinker with mine at times. but not always. that's
for sure. and i know when i'm grieving, i don't tinker. it's
all i can do to stand up.
i've also learned that grieving has a life of its own.
the anniversary of one of the deaths that has hit me hardest
is coming up in a couple of weeks. it will be three years
since we lost her.
this year, i happen to be standing. i'm watching tho,
wondering how i'll do.
last year took me completely by surprise and knocked me to
that would have been the second year she was gone.
and when the month of her death rolled around, it was like
i got hit by a truck.
i was amazed. it was the SECOND year, after all.
shouldn't i be okay?
what the heck happened???
it wasn't even the DATE of her death, it was the MONTH.
i didn't say much to anyone else around me.
it WAS the second year after all.
i should be okay.
knocked to my knees, not saying much to anyone else because
i really felt like i should 'have it together by now'
i made the treadmill my best friend.
when i felt like i was losing it, i got on that thing.
i would be on that thing three or four times a day.
just goin' as fast and as hard as i could -
puttin' on music that got me into the center of it all,
and just movin' my way thru it the best i could.
each time i was on that thing, i would cry and cry and
i had never experienced anything like that before.
and i didn't feel like it was an entirely okay thing to have
this year i haven't mentioned the date to anyone around
me. i've heard it come up in conversations. friends making
plans on that day, schedules being figured out.
each time i feel a tug on my heart.
'that's the day' i think.
and never say a word.
because for pete's sakes how much can you harp about it?
how much can you dwell on it??
when are you gonna let go of it???
does any of those reactions sound healthy???
why do we feed that stuff???
we loved someone.
we lost someone.
our lives changed that day.
our hearts broke open that day.
i have a bone sigh i just posted recently for a friend
who lost her best friend....
it's about honoring the person who died by being the
best us we can be.
(you can find it here)
if we go with that thought and believe that thought.....
then allowing our grief to do what it needs to do, and go where
it needs to go and allowing ourselves that process is part
of honoring the one we lost because it's honoring ourselves.
and maybe, just maybe, it's time we took our grief process
and let it educate those who haven't been thru it yet,
that it really is okay to grieve.
and there is no timetable whatsoever.
that's probably better than kicking them to the moon.
which is what i want to do when i read a note like coleen's!
coleen, be gentle with yourself.
and so do you.