turning the ship around...

touching back in after a whole lot of goofin' off....
with still more to come.
but maybe a couple of days of landing back to earth here.

and i've been thinking about this time off that i've had.
and the tremendous things that have been going on.
it's been tremendous. that's a good word for it.
but you see, it's not all 'perfect.'
it's not all 'happy.'
and i feel a need to say that.
cause when i tell people how great it all is, they assume that means
perfect and happy and sometimes they think that's what my life is.
which totally makes me laugh. and then somehow it makes me sad.
because it takes the depth away from it all.

my life's full of happy. it is. and i rejoice in that, embrace that and will
shout that out with joy. i want that and am so grateful for that.
it's also filled with all kindsa other things.

what it is, i guess, is 'living.'
fully.
it's full of fullness.

i sat and thought about it this morning.
and i thought about it as i did some chores this morning.

this thought ran thru my head - 'you've finally turned the ship around
and it's finally heading in the direction you want.'

and i grinned.
bob's been using the ship turning example with me a bit. and how it takes
a long long time to turn those big ol' ships out in the ocean around.
and how it goes slow and sometimes it feels unnoticeable, but it's turning.

i thought of that with my life.
i thought of that with everything that's happened over the past few days.
cause the holidays aren't just an isolated little dinner celebration of fun.
there's so many thousands of strings that go along with a holiday.
and all of those thousands of strings vibrated for me this holiday in one
way or another.

i thought of how i've been workin' on turnin' this all around for over ten
years now.

and how we (or at least me) think if we make a change, things change.
bam.
and how i don't realize the years and years it really will take for changes
to truly happen. how changes involve so many different deep things inside us.

what i've wanted to change are things so big i had no idea how to change them.
and in making those changes more things added on top of that. so at some
point i'm looking at a heap of beliefs, thought patterns, habits, shames,
humiliations, grief, struggles and doubts that i somehow have to turn around.

and i know more than once i've thrown up my hands, plopped myself down,
cried, and quit.

only to wipe the tears, brush myself off, and try again. all the while mumbling
that i have no idea how to do this.

and somehow - thru the muddle, and the trying, and the forever turning my eyes
back to what it is i want - the ship has turned itself around.

i do belief it has.

that doesn't mean i think i'm in for all smooth waters.
ohmygosh, not by a long shot.
it doesn't mean i won't have the self doubts and the shame.
nope. it doesn't mean all that.

but the difference is the direction i'm moving in.
what i notice about this holiday season for me is the direction i've gone
in thru the whole thing - including the moments that hit hard and hit me
back into the ick - including the moments where i sat covered in the ick -
always always i've looked towards the love.
and the couple times i got confused on which way to look this season,
there was someone i loved deeply right next to me being my compass.
and always, always, i've headed towards the love.

the changing your life doesn't happen with a divorce, a death, a trauma,
or any one event.

it's all the steps you take over and over and over again. all the falling that
you do over and over into the mud. the changes happen as you wipe
yourself off even tho you have no idea what you're doing and where you're
going. the changes happen with each person you add to your life who
affirms you and sees who you are. they happen every time you face your
fears, every time you cry from your depths, every time you cover your
head with your blanket - and then slowly take the blanket off. every time
you choose love over anger. every time you stretch farther than you ever
thought you could, every time you reach for something beyond you....
every bit of that and more bring the changes. so slowly, you won't even
notice. so agonizingly slowly that you don't think it's happening.

until one day, you notice.
the direction is different.
the love is there.
the real stuff is all around you.
and you have indeed turned your ship around.