Wednesday, August 8, 2012

uncovering the choice....uncovering the light

i kind of knew it...
yeah, i knew it.
but i hadn't really said it out loud.

and i don't know what it is, but there's such power in saying things out loud.

i heard myself saying it and i understood how far in i had stepped.
and i understood it was too far in to turn around and go back,
and it wasn't far enough in to feel confident i'd find my way out.

and i'm thinking it's the journey of my fifties.

the forties got me here.
maybe the fifties will allow me to work with it.......

the understanding that good doesn't always win,
that really bad things happen that i can't change,
that no matter how hard i try, sometimes it's not mine to fix.
and that all of that is what it is.
and in my acceptance of that,
my offerings become even more authentic and real.
and i learn to truly love for the sake of loving and not for the
sake of changing anything.

i learn to let go of controlling the universe
and i learn to step into all that i am
and i learn to offer with no strings attached.

whew.
i don't know.
seems like this might be the journey of my fifties, sixties,
seventies, eighties, nineties, hundreds.....next life times..........

this is big stuff.

when i journeyed inward a week or two ago,
i could glimpse this stuff. i could see it.
i could see that 'love' was so beyond my understanding -
that there was such mystery involved and so much more
than i could grasp.

but then i turn back to my days and i lose it.
i feel low on the empathy and resilience.

i would guess that's a sure sign of not letting go and stepping
into the mystery.

mystery.

what the heck does that mean?
life is mystery?

what the heck does that mean???

it means i don't have all the answers,
things don't go the way i'd pick for them to go,
that darkness overpowers the light at times,
but somehow light appears if we let it.

somehow light appears if we let it.

that's mystery to me.
how it does that.
where it comes from.

that spot it comes from, that's mystery to me.

i've always kinda said my job is to grow the light inside me.
grow my candle flame.

maybe there's just a little bit of a slant on that which makes a big
difference........maybe it's not to grow my candle flame....grow
my light......

maybe it's simply to offer that light inside me with no other intent but
to be part of the mysterious light that is all around us.

wow.
maybe that's it.

maybe in doing that - really really doing that - letting go and allowing
the mystery and just offering - maybe that uncovers the light that's
inside me.

might make me feel like i'm growing my light.
but there's nothing to grow.

just everything to be.
and it's all right there already.

maybe the mystery lives inside of us as well.
grow it or not........that's not the choice.
offer it freely or cover it with control......maybe that's the choice.

13 comments:

Susie Keeth said...

OMG Terri! That was the most amazing process, the most perfect words.... the most beautiful unfolding. The realizations that you discover and share here can't be any more perfect.I'll have to make my own piece of wall art out of these words. I'll just print them off and hang them up so that I can read them again and again.

terri said...

susie....thank you so much for reading it.....i'm feelin' like it's pretty big stuff...if i can only just hold it for more than a second!! :)

Kelley Harrell said...

Indeed, I feel so blessed to be taking this journey with hearts like yours.

Zura said...

Ter, it is big stuff. Thank you for sharing it. I'm always timid to post because your writing is so powerful, that anything I write might sound trite, and I want to honor your words. And you!

terri said...

oh gosh, zura, thanks for just reading it. you're never trite, woman. and kelley, thank you. thanks for just sharing it with me, you guys!

marita said...

Loved it! Feel like I live it! Even got the age right! A process I am working through thanks for pushing me throught the worm hole!~Marita

Unknown said...

wow - these words are powerful as well as empowering, Terri.
I feel the same about the light within ... I call it SoulShine©. There's no growing of it, there's just the realization that it is there and always has been, burning brightly. All we do is choose whether or not to share it and let it shine bright as the sun.
In Love and Light

Anonymous said...

Terri, this just perfectly expresses where I am at this very moment. Thank you for sharing yourself in such a profound and transparent way. The paradox of life--don't you just love the word "paradox?" Letting go, accepting, being

Merry ME said...

Sitting quietly with you, and holding this thought:
"maybe it's simply to offer that light inside me with no other intent but
to be part of the mysterious light that is all around us."

Good stuff, Ter.

terri said...

thank you, you guys....so glad you're out there traveling with me......

faerian said...

you are the light Terri <3

terri said...

ah, ms. faerian.......if we could all just remember our light, huh? :)

Lynn Hollyfield said...

Terri, your discoveries beautifully written...thank you for sharing this, watching this unfolding and thinking of you. Lynn