uncovering the choice....uncovering the light

i kind of knew it...
yeah, i knew it.
but i hadn't really said it out loud.

and i don't know what it is, but there's such power in saying things out loud.

i heard myself saying it and i understood how far in i had stepped.
and i understood it was too far in to turn around and go back,
and it wasn't far enough in to feel confident i'd find my way out.

and i'm thinking it's the journey of my fifties.

the forties got me here.
maybe the fifties will allow me to work with it.......

the understanding that good doesn't always win,
that really bad things happen that i can't change,
that no matter how hard i try, sometimes it's not mine to fix.
and that all of that is what it is.
and in my acceptance of that,
my offerings become even more authentic and real.
and i learn to truly love for the sake of loving and not for the
sake of changing anything.

i learn to let go of controlling the universe
and i learn to step into all that i am
and i learn to offer with no strings attached.

whew.
i don't know.
seems like this might be the journey of my fifties, sixties,
seventies, eighties, nineties, hundreds.....next life times..........

this is big stuff.

when i journeyed inward a week or two ago,
i could glimpse this stuff. i could see it.
i could see that 'love' was so beyond my understanding -
that there was such mystery involved and so much more
than i could grasp.

but then i turn back to my days and i lose it.
i feel low on the empathy and resilience.

i would guess that's a sure sign of not letting go and stepping
into the mystery.

mystery.

what the heck does that mean?
life is mystery?

what the heck does that mean???

it means i don't have all the answers,
things don't go the way i'd pick for them to go,
that darkness overpowers the light at times,
but somehow light appears if we let it.

somehow light appears if we let it.

that's mystery to me.
how it does that.
where it comes from.

that spot it comes from, that's mystery to me.

i've always kinda said my job is to grow the light inside me.
grow my candle flame.

maybe there's just a little bit of a slant on that which makes a big
difference........maybe it's not to grow my candle flame....grow
my light......

maybe it's simply to offer that light inside me with no other intent but
to be part of the mysterious light that is all around us.

wow.
maybe that's it.

maybe in doing that - really really doing that - letting go and allowing
the mystery and just offering - maybe that uncovers the light that's
inside me.

might make me feel like i'm growing my light.
but there's nothing to grow.

just everything to be.
and it's all right there already.

maybe the mystery lives inside of us as well.
grow it or not........that's not the choice.
offer it freely or cover it with control......maybe that's the choice.