Monday, November 12, 2012

much to learn

so the lesson's been buzzin' around my head for awhile now.
in so many different buzzy forms.

i hear you!
stop already.
i'll think about it!

and i've been thinking about it a lot lately.

it's more of the learning what's mine and what's not mine.
the learning of letting go of stuff that belongs to other people.

it's basically the 'nobody asked you for your opinion, ter.' stuff.
i've been playing with this for awhile now.

but it's got a lot of different flavors that go with it.
there's a lotta threads to it.
and i'm really starting to see a whole bunch of them.
and trust in the process of life is soooo at the bottom of it all.

i've been thinking about people i let in and ask advice from.
it's a select few. people i totally trust who's opinions i value.
i go to them in a heartbeat.
it's not a whole huge crew. it's a select few.
cause that's how we work.
we've got those really close people we count on.

i forget that's how people work.
i think just cause i care, and have a thought that  i think could help,
i can offer it.

that's so not true.

even with the few people i go to, it works way better when i go
to them and ask for help rather than them just piping in when they
think i need the advice. i hear better when i ask.

giving advice is a delicate thing.

and then........what's the reasons i would give advice?
when nobody asks??
that's a great thing to look at.

so i've been watching me.
and the things i've wanted to say here, and there.
some of these people have asked me my opinions before,
and some very obviously haven't.
and none of them are asking now.

what is that about, girl? why the need to speak?

and i feel like i've hit a gold mine of stuff to look at.
with each situation, the answer's different.
how cool is that?
it gives me lots of different perspectives to choose from.
to learn from.
'wanting to help' seems mixed in all of it....and some sort of
arrogance that i have an answer.
and at the bottom of it all? total lack of trust in the other person's process.

that's not help.
and when it comes down to it, i trust way more than i act like most times.

i just forget.
i just act without thinking.

lately i've been thinking a lot about it.
and i see....people live their lives just fine. when they really want some help,
they ask. and it's really okay to wait for people to ask.

i've blogged about this recently.
but it keeps coming back up into my face.

i think i have much to learn here.
and so i bring it up once again.
and probably a hundred more times.
til i get the hang of this....

it's truly okay to hush up and just tend to my own life.
it truly is okay.


Sherry said...

Ha Ha Terri...I might be about to illustrate your very point here...but here goes.

So..I read your blog and thought to myself, well I do that sometimes...offer advice before it's specifically asked for. But I'm a often people tell me their stuff..and a lot of times I just nod and offer compassion or sympathy or whatever...but a lot of times I do offer advice.

Now hear I am, about to offer you some advice...I reread your blog and see no open call for advice, I haven't been specifically asked...but I recognize what you're talking about and think (perhaps arrogantly) that I may have some insight you could use.

So two things I want to say. The first is that I truly do think it's a good idea to offer advice *sometimes* when it's not asked for. Because sometimes people are so caught in their stuff that they won't even think to ask...and a LOT of people feel like they're imposing by asking.

And I know if I'm in a situation and I can't figure it out...if someone has some great idea that I haven't thought of, I would love to hear it!

I think the key, which I'm sure you're already aware of is balance.

I'm reading two major problems with unasked for advice. First, you're interrupting the person's process and assuming they're not handling it themselves, and second, you're putting your stuff aside to help them.

A habit I've developed to help people hear what I'm saying without feeling that I'm imposing it on them or lecturing them, is presenting "advice" like a story. I'll say "this is something I've done and it works for me." People react much better to that than the phrase I used to use "you should..." ha ha...of course, that you know already!

The other thing though I wanted to say, and maybe I'm biased, (because I think you're one of the wisest people I know and I think you should lecture at universities on how to be a better human) but maybe it's just a matter of if you feel the pull to give advice, maybe just offer...maybe instead of just jumping right in and giving, maybe you could get into the habit of just saying, hey, if you ever want to chat about this, I'd be willing.

But you already do least with me! :)

Okay, this is very long, and I think I'm babbling...and I think I didn't say everything I wanted to..I'm sorry..I really need to stop writing responses this soon after I wake up! :)

terri said...

thanks, sherry. nice points. i appreciate them! which illustrates your points even better! :)