Monday, April 28, 2014

crumbling, withering and hiding - hmmmmmm.......

totally cool happening -

well, one that didn't start out so totally cool.
but ended up awesome -

that voice showed up.
that really negative one that knows just how to get to me......

whenever i hear it i do one of these three things, if not all of them -
i crumble, wither or hide.

honest to pete.


so i guess all these years i've been too busy crumbling, withering or
hiding that i never stopped to ask who the heck was sayin' this stuff.
who was in my head doin' this to me??

i readily acknowledge another 'part' of myself -
my inner child.
'i call her 'little terri' and have gotten good at knowing when she's
around and when she's not. i know when she's in my head.

but i've never really stopped to look for any other 'parts' -

so like what part is this with this lousy voice?!

and for some reason, and i have no idea what that reason was,
i had enough gumption this time to respond to the  voice with a 'who ARE you anyway?!'

and i got this -

the voice was coming from my hurts.
all the hurts i've lived thru that really cut deep and wounded.
the ones i still carry around.
they were all wrapped into one big ol' hunk
with one big ol' negative voice.

my first reaction was  'well, i really don't like need to go away.'

and then i stopped.

i recalled a conversation i just had about someone i knew who was
deeply deeply wounded. in the conversation when asked why i interacted
with her, i said 'she's so wounded, i can't turn my back on her.'

(and no, if any of my friends are reading this, this was not said about you...jeesh!)

she's so wounded i can't turn my back on her.

that sentence popped back into my head.

i heard it.
and i thought it.
and i realized that i couldn't possibly just tell this part of me that i didn't
want it to be around. hadn't it got hurt enough thru life?

so i sat with it a bit.
realized that it was a part of me that was trying to self-protect.
and the last thing this part of me needed was rejection.

and so honest to pete, i visualized embracing it.
holding it.
telling it we were all okay.

i could feel it. i was there offering acceptance.

it was really cool.

and it was fairly quick, my brain gets easily distracted, and off i went back to living.
and guess what?! it wasn't but a few hours later that the voice was back,
full force negativity.
but this time? i was aware enough not to just react with the usual crumbling bit,
but to visualize my wrapping my arms around this part again, and reassuring
this part that i was safe, that we were safe. and it was all okay.

it totally changed everything.

i mean, it REALLY did.
it wasn't about crumbling, withering or hiding -
it was about knowing i was okay and reassuring myself of that.

WHAT a difference.

i'm thinking this voice isn't gonna stop any time soon, if ever.
but i'm thinking that my reactions will change.
and it is in changing those, that possibly i can really change some big stuff inside.

and i am fall on the floor excited about this.

i've read this kinda thing, ah, but never really touched it like this before.

pretty darn awesome cool.


margy said...

. . . so I don't have to put all that useless energy into trying to make the voice go away? Great insight terri - accept it being there and embrace and reassure it and it will finally feel safe and quiet down by itself. Thank you again terri for that very helpful and positive growth-producing insight. Have a wonderful day my dear!

terri st. cloud said...

we'll see how it goes, margy, but i'm pretty hopeful about this one! :)

diane in ar said...

this one just touched my heart and got into my mind as well. . .thank you. ..