crumbling, withering and hiding - hmmmmmm.......

totally cool happening -

well, one that didn't start out so totally cool.
but ended up awesome -

that voice showed up.
that really negative one that knows just how to get to me......

whenever i hear it i do one of these three things, if not all of them -
i crumble, wither or hide.

honest to pete.

crumble
wither.
hide.

so i guess all these years i've been too busy crumbling, withering or
hiding that i never stopped to ask who the heck was sayin' this stuff.
who was in my head doin' this to me??

i readily acknowledge another 'part' of myself -
my inner child.
'i call her 'little terri' and have gotten good at knowing when she's
around and when she's not. i know when she's in my head.

but i've never really stopped to look for any other 'parts' -

so like what part is this with this lousy voice?!

and for some reason, and i have no idea what that reason was,
i had enough gumption this time to respond to the  voice with a 'who ARE you anyway?!'

and i got this -

the voice was coming from my hurts.
all the hurts i've lived thru that really cut deep and wounded.
the ones i still carry around.
they were all wrapped into one big ol' hunk
with one big ol' negative voice.

my first reaction was  'well, i really don't like you.you need to go away.'

and then i stopped.

i recalled a conversation i just had about someone i knew who was
deeply deeply wounded. in the conversation when asked why i interacted
with her, i said 'she's so wounded, i can't turn my back on her.'

(and no, if any of my friends are reading this, this was not said about you...jeesh!)

she's so wounded i can't turn my back on her.

that sentence popped back into my head.

i heard it.
and i thought it.
and i realized that i couldn't possibly just tell this part of me that i didn't
want it to be around. hadn't it got hurt enough thru life?

so i sat with it a bit.
realized that it was a part of me that was trying to self-protect.
and the last thing this part of me needed was rejection.

and so honest to pete, i visualized embracing it.
holding it.
telling it we were all okay.

i could feel it. i was there offering acceptance.

it was really cool.

and it was fairly quick, my brain gets easily distracted, and off i went back to living.
and guess what?! it wasn't but a few hours later that the voice was back,
full force negativity.
but this time? i was aware enough not to just react with the usual crumbling bit,
but to visualize my wrapping my arms around this part again, and reassuring
this part that i was safe, that we were safe. and it was all okay.

wow.
it totally changed everything.

i mean, it REALLY did.
it wasn't about crumbling, withering or hiding -
it was about knowing i was okay and reassuring myself of that.

WHAT a difference.

now.
i'm thinking this voice isn't gonna stop any time soon, if ever.
but i'm thinking that my reactions will change.
and it is in changing those, that possibly i can really change some big stuff inside.

and i am fall on the floor excited about this.

i've read this kinda thing, ah, but never really touched it like this before.

pretty darn awesome cool.