little terri's and layers

i had an insight recently that made a big impression on me.

i've got enough of an odd streak in me, that i find it quite easy
to work with visualizations that work with my inner terri's.
terri's at different ages. it's easy for me and often has a powerful
affect. i do it enough that my friends know about the 'little terri's'
and even tease me about the crowd i carry around inside myself.

the insight had to do with knowing things down to my core.
it dawned on me that the few times i do that, there's no other parts
of me fighting that knowing. every part of me is in agreement
about that particular subject. like i say, it's not very often. but it's
there.

it occurred to me that if i want to get a knowing sink all the way
down to my bones, then i have to get all the parts of me to step
out of the way, to understand and accept and know.

that was kinda big news to me. and i liked it as it seemed like
something i can work with.

well, yeah, great....but today i'm thinking the ol 'layer concept'
can't be ignored here.

sometimes i talk about the layers inside of me, and sometimes i'm
floored with how deep some of them go.

today i've got a sad layer a few layers down under my day to day
layers. and i don't want to touch it. i know as soon as i do, emotions
will pour forth. great. great. just what i need. i figure i'll touch it
before i go to sleep so i can be nice and sad all alone in the dark and
no one else has to deal with it.

and up until this moment, i thought the layer concept was different
than the little terri concept.

i just realized...they go hand in hand.
the sad part of me definitely has to do with a little terri. and that
little terri is a few layers down.

how cool is that?! two totally different images i've carried around for
years finally melding together.

now...if i can go there....to that layer....talk to that part of me that's
hurting....and hold the sadness....and just accept it all......that would
be kinda awesome, wouldn't it?

i'd better head to bed early tonite....think it may take a little time
to do this! suddenly....i'm looking forward to it......

babblin' phone conversations.........

my friends never know what to expect when they call!
i don't either.
i didn't plan on cryin' on his shoulder.
i didn't mean to.
it just happened.

a little stressed out this morning. wrapped like a tight
elastic band.....

he calls to share news about a friend we're concerned about.
'you worried?' i ask.
'yeah, a little.' he says.

tears come.

poor guy.
prolly thinking he shouldn't have said that.......

once the first tear breaks loose, more come.
i don't mean to.
they just start.
won't stop.

we talk about it.

i babble a lot.
can't make much sense to him....

making lotsa sense to me.....

i really really hate that i can't control everyone's
life!!
i really really want to make everything okay.
i really really hate that just cause you love people,
it doesn't mean their lives will be okay.

i so wish that's how it worked.

i'm a darn control freak.

sigh.

deep breath.

obviously, it does me no good.
obviously, i need to let it go.

trust.
keep opening my heart, don't close down.....

and know that life just keeps on goin'.......
and it already is okay.

steel walls

he sits across from me looking tough.
part of him likes me, part of him resents me.

i sit across from him trying to see behind the tough
into the heart i'm praying hasn't hardened over yet.

i find myself praying in my own way constantly thru
this conversation. my way of choice at this time is
throwing myself over and over into the abyss of trust.
trusting that something will come out of my mouth
that makes sense when i'm totally unsure of what to
say. over and over i lean back in my mind and throw
myself into the abyss again and again.

who knew that could be prayer?

i can't live with myself if i don't at least tell him
what it is i'm seeing.

some of it's good. a whole lot of it's bad. how do
i bring that to the steel walls i see go up in his
eyes? not wooden walls. not concrete.
i'd prefer those.......nope.
cold, gray steel. i could see them....feel them.
how does one get thru steel?

i tell him i care. i tell him i see so many great things.
i squint hard to still see them. i don't want to lose
sight of them. i tell him i don't think he really likes
himself.

he balks.
protests.

i tell him it's not just him.
it's a lotta people.
i use myself for an example.
i use my oldest son who is with me for an example.

it's not just you, i say, it's so many of us.

we talk of finding that in us.
how someone can't just hand us that.

he listens....but does he hear?
he's puzzled that we struggle with our own self
images....that's caught his attention.

i tell him i respect him enough to tell him the truth.

and i tell him he's lying to himself.

i tell him we all do it.

we all lie to ourselves.

what makes a person grow into someone great tho
is their ability to look at those lies, and see why they're
doin' it. see what they're getting from them.

the ability to own what it is you're doin'.

you're ability to own when it is you're screwin' up.

i think that's what makes a person great.

we all lie to ourselves.
we all screw up.

can you own it tho?
can you put it out there and admit it?

and then....can you be man enough...or woman enough
to be who it is you really want to be?

that's what makes a person great, i think.

i think you can only do that if you love yourself.

and i wonder how many of us can really do it?
how many of us can really love ourselves enough to
own our mistakes and change them?

pepsi and a phone call

amazing what a little pepsi can do for your mood!

i try to stay away from that stuff...i know it's bad for
me, and i'm tryin' to watch my weight anyway.
water is what i need to be drinking!

but! it's also my drug of choice at certain moments.
makes me feel happy!
and so i went wild and had a pepsi.

and then a friend called.
we hadn't talked in awhile.
he's the third friend in two weeks who has let me
know that i haven't been very present!

hmmmm...
seems i've been caught up in 'stuff.'

a big part of that stuff has been tryin' to be there
for someone in the darkest time of their life. it's
taken so much energy from my end, that it leaves
little, if nothing, left for the 'extras' in my life.

thing is.......
what makes an 'extra' and 'extra'????!

ha!
that's the question, isn't it?!

my buddy who called today isn't an extra.
he matters!
my other buddies who said "hey! i thought you
were mad at me i haven't heard from you in so
long!"
ohmygosh....are they extras???

what the heck IS an extra??

not my buddies. not the people in my life who
hold me up when i'm down.
not the people in my life who laugh with me
and who share with me.

my gosh.
extras?!
i think not.

so how do i hold someone else up right now,
big time, and still make time for my non-extra
essentials?

i guess i hadn't realized that by letting my friend
part of my life slide, i was taking all that for granted.

i don't want to take any of my life for granted.

okay.

so how do i juggle all this?

haven't a clue.
but that pepsi just made me feel like i can!

and i know i will.......
because it matters.

trust

trust.
i can't think of a more powerful word right now.
love?
yeah...i guess that's prolly the most powerful of all...
just think maybe words get tangled with each other and
you can't have one without the other???
i guess you can love without trusting someone....
love them anyway....
and i guess that's what i'll do right now....
but it sure changes the shades of it all.

i have loves that i trust....
and the shades of that are so deep and rich.

the shades of the love without trust don't feel
so good. shouldn't those shades be just as deep
and rich??? i mean, isn't loving someone because
they need love a deep and rich thing?
why does it feel so sad sometimes?
maybe that's it. there's sad mixed among the
shades of colors.

ahhhh...maybe that's it....
maybe when i feel love....i can't just compare
it to colors. too limited.
it's got to have colors and emotions mixed in
and music too, i think.

maybe when you mix colors, emotions, and
the music you feel inside, maybe then you
get what they call 'energy.'

and maybe that's the difference...
love WITH trust has one fabulous positive
energy that makes me feel so good....

love WITHOUT trust has a whole
different energy.

if only we realized how incredibly,
amazingly important trust is....if only we
understood what was valuable and worth
working for....

i guess we're not born knowing that. or
maybe we are....and we just forget. and
the thing i can do here, is just believe in him
enough to accept where he is, and be there
if he ever wants to rebuild the trust...

acceptance.
loving for real, not to get.
and knowing it's all okay....

it's a lot to do in one morning.....

why bolg?

everyone has a blog. i've been holding out. didn't want to be just one
more person adding to the noise of the world. my oldest son has been
tellin' me for a long time to do one.....
no. no. no.
i have a website that's filled with my thoughts. that's enough.

then i got a note in my mailbox today. it was full of pain.
and i've been holding it in my heart all morning. it's been my nudge
to finally come and offer some thoughts.

how do we hold the pain inside? how do we hold each other's pain?
what do we do with it all? maybe share some of it....
and help each other grow.

this note i got today...she told me of cutting a word into her body
to release some of the pain inside of her. i cried when i read that.
i've never been at the point where i felt the need to do that. and yet,
i understand so many people have been there.

and i think of the pain that brings a person to that point...

how do i help?
what do i do?

all i could think of was accepting her exactly as she is. not just
being non-judgmental. beyond that. but holding her in my heart,
and truly just allowing her to be. easily done when i can't see someone.
when they're just words on my screen.

but definitely a place to start.
if i start there, then i can start taking it anywhere...
and somehow.....
somehow i'm thinking everything is connected to those darn hearts of ours.
opening them and allowing people to be....

today i'm gonna work a little more towards that...