the monster that is me.

it's been a week since i've walked.
man, have i missed it.

wow, how things change in a week!
besides the leaves being totally
different and a lot gone...

they're knockin' down the last good
section of trees we had. they've done
a lot of work since i've been out.

woe.
breaks my heart.

and the neighborhood was filled with
workers!

made it kinda tough to have the conversation
i had intended to have with the monsters.
(see post below)

that kinda conversation's gonna take some
quiet and some room for tears.

i tried to do a little something in between
workers on the street. so what i did was
feel them. (the monsters, not the workers)

i didn't touch them.
i just realized that.
i felt them.

two different things.

i felt them inside of me.
or maybe 'it'....it felt more like one thing
than a bunch. yesterday it felt like a bunch.
today one.

i felt it, felt the size of it, and was stumped.

how do i get rid of it???

i realized right away that 'get rid of' or 'fight'
parts of my insides was prolly goin' in the wrong
direction. but still was stumped.

it wasn't til i passed the last of the workers
that i figured something out...

it's not separate from me.
it's not a monster inside of me.
it's me.

and saying i 'felt' it instead of 'touching' it
is a big deal.

i have to touch it.
i have to touch me.

i have to touch that part of me.
and i have to love that part of me.
i have to embrace and hold that part of me.

great.
great.

i have enough trouble loving the easy parts of
me to love. now i gotta love the monster parts???

great.

and how does one do that???