preparing to dive...

you would think that when big things are happening in my life,
that's when i'd be blogging the most.
put all that inner whirlwind out a bit,
sort thru it, use the blog as therapy.
that kinda thing.

i mean, isn't that what i do all the time anyway?

here's the funny thing -

the deeper something is inside me,
the quieter i get about it.
i truly am an introvert.

and while i try real hard to share the journey,
when it gets this deep, i think the only thing that's really right for me
is to get quiet and go within.

i'm excited.
big changes are happening for me.
i was just talking to my partner about it all,
and it really sunk in how big.

it's time for me to really look at me,
my relationship, my life, where i'm going, what i'm doing....
whew. all that.

i'm going to take a short break here.
randomly grabbed october first as a good date to be back.
it's just about two weeks.

give me some time to sit with myself,
to think.
to regroup,
and maybe to even revamp the blog.
i think i'd like that.
will give it some thought.

think i'm gonna revamp my whole darn life.
and nah, prolly can't do that in just under two weeks,
but i can maybe get a start of a map together.
and some good sit time with myself.

i hope i don't lose you in the break.
i thought of that.
wondered if it was a bad idea to stop.
what if nobody comes back?

then i smiled.
that'd be okay then, wouldn't it?
because whatever happens when you're taking care of yourself,
has gotta be okay.

and i kinda like that trust as a first step into my new life.

i really am excited about this.
and what a perfect time of year to dive in.

so pardon me while i go get my jumping gear on,
and while i take a little dive thru the sky -

i'll be back pondering the clouds with you in no time....

holding light

a few months back i started the 'holding light' campaign over on our website.
if you haven't seen it, please stop by!
since then i've sent out over a thousand stickers.
and i gotta tell ya, it has been one of the most moving things for me ever.

when the guys built the page, zakk wasn't going to put a spot in for comments.
he didn't see the point.
noah talked him into it.
i'm laughing because for me, that has been such an important part of the whole thing.

that's where people write and tell me where the stickers are going.

the stories are incredible.
they've covered quite a range for reasons people need light.
so many times i've been moved to tears.

and i have been so honored that friends are sending their loved ones these candles.

i started the whole thing to offer light to the world.

what keeps happening is the notes keep lighting up my heart.

i think that's how it all works, isn't it?

you try to offer, but you get back so much more.

these matter a ton to me.
if you haven't been by yet, come on by and check it all out.
request some if you don't have any. they're free.
and they're filled with love.

and for those who've been by, you can request more. that's no problem.
thank you so much for all the notes, all the stories, and all the love......

i'm reminded over and over again that we keep the light going.
one candle at a time.

good things happening

miracles were happening.

first of all, as i headed out the door to go to their place,
the door didn't close right.
instead of ignoring it and making it work the way it was,
i stopped to figure out why it wasn't right.
then i saw something that needed to be tightened,
then i went, got the screwdriver - out of my very own toolbox
and tightened it!

okay.
doesn't sound like much, i know.
but honestly? huge huge progress there.
just the whole paying attention and dealing with it.
and actually fixing it.
(granted it was an easy fix....but let's just ignore that part for now)
that's new for me.
way new.

and then......i went and painted their cupboards.
yet another huge progressive step.
see, i wouldn't normally accept the challenge for someone else.
granted, they're my kids. they're not 'someone else' -
but still, i came real real close to not doing it.
i didn't want them to feel obligated with what i painted and feel funny
about telling me to change it or paint over it or whatever.
but i trusted us all to be adults, and i hopped on in.
big big progress there for me.
not in trusting them to be adults......maybe trusting me to be tho.

in the middle of it all, josh came over to help out too.
he came up to me and the cupboard doors spread all over.
his eyes got big and he said 'they let you loose??'
and then he said 'run with it like a football!'

i laughed.
cause i was surprised they wanted the funky cupboards too.
they're not all that weird - just kinda a smeary washy kinda paint job
with a couple different colors. but oh man, stuff i love to do!
weird enough to keep me happy.

they seemed real tickled with them, which tickled me to no end.

and then........the best thing happened as i painted.....

i heard them.
listened to them.
i was in the middle of everything so could hear all kindsa snippets.

i have never heard them sound happier.
they sounded so darn happy all day.
i could tell the place had become theirs.
and they were just in love with it.

i painted and smiled.
with them this happy, man, i can only be so sad they're leaving.
i mean seriously......what could make a mom happier than to hear
those kinda sounds?? my heart just so shifted away from the sad,
right smack into the joyful.

and to get to paint smooshy washy paint all over their cupboards to my delight -
well miracles were happening everywhere.
even in my heart.

stepping in...

man, i think i'm headin' into one heck of a cool time.

it's been a lot quieter in the house these days as the guys are busy
workin' on their own home.

i found myself sitting at my kitchen table thinking.
i sat by the window feeling the cool air that had finally arrived.
looking around the kitchen, i smiled.

the toaster oven was heating dinner,
i had paints and brushes all over the table, there was a drill,
drill bits,painty paper towels, a measuring cup, a candle and light bulbs
scattered on the table as well.

i had cleaned the light over the table when i changed a lightbulb.
looking up, i shook my head.
it looked like a new light.
i need to clean more often, i thought.

i had put a homemade clock together, worked on painting another.
and just gotten carried away with the joy of smearing paint wherever i could.

the kitchen was messy in an artsy kinda way and i loved it.

i had been creating, got hungry, and while waiting for dinner to cook,
i got to thinking.

i have two really deep 'issues' that haunt me.
oh heck, i prolly have a million.
but two big ones i'm aware of, try to deal with....
but don't know how to get rid of - or heal - or whatever.

my depths are sensing the shifts.
the shifts in quieter time, in deeper time with my partner,
in deeper time with myself.

and the 'haunting' of those issues seems to be getting louder.
more echoey.

which really makes sense to me.
this is the time, isn't it?
no more distractions.
no more taking care of the rest of the world.
time to learn more about me.

i sat with the issues.
felt them.
they don't feel good.
but i sat with them anyway.
understood why i had them,
and have yet to know what to do with them.

but then this weird moment happened.
i was leaning my chin on my painty hand and looking out the window.
i thought of where the issues came from - the words and actions that had
cemented them. and for a moment, i understood it was only me who
could dissolve the cement.

and it occurred to me that will be what i need to do as i spend the time alone.
i need to teach myself the truth about myself.
i need to remind myself over and over again that that stuff that created the cement -
that stuff was just other people's words.
just other people's actions.
not real stuff. not honest stuff.
it came from their own issues.

i need to listen to my words now.
the words of my heart.
the words of my soul.
the words beyond issues.
the words deeper than issues.
over and over again.
in the quiet.
over and over.
i need to listen to the words of my depths
and hold them.

and dissolve the cement.

for a moment i got it.
and i realized i'm just gonna have to trust and follow where i go here.

i really think this is gonna be one heck of a time in my life.

an impressive vid on depression

someone shared this link over on the bone sigh arts facebook page.
truly, with you guys posting this stuff there, that place can be one heck
of a resource! i'm so glad we've got it!

didn't want anyone to miss out!

it's a young man talking about depression.
i was quite moved and way way impressed.

check it out and spread it around!

with gratitude...

next time you think about making a purchase,
any purchase, any where, stop for a minute and think of the power in that purchase.

because, i can tell you from up close and personal experience, there IS power
in our purchases.

i have been on the other end of your purchases for years now.
and your purchases have literally fed, warmed and clothed my family.
and as if that isn't enough - your purchases encouraged us to believe in ourselves,
and EVEN spurred my sons on into their own careers.

i am not exaggerating in the least.

i started bone sighs out of a marriage break up. it was my decision to divorce,
leaving my husband feeling pretty darn angry. in his anger, he 'punished' me at every
turn and vowed to leave me with nothing.

not the best way to start out.
but then again, maybe it was.
because i believed his promise of leaving me with nothing.
(turns out that logistics and laws saved me there - but i didn't know that at the time.)

all i knew was that i needed to pull this whole bone sigh arts thing off and that
i certainly didn't have any money to spare. and i had three sons i would be raising -
and schooling. and somehow, i knew i was gonna do it.

wow.
i have always said i was 'fool hardy' back then.
no kidding.
no no no no kidding.
looking back now, my eyes go wide just thinking about it all.
i honestly thought i was completely on my own with absolutely nothing.

and seriously, i am so glad that's where my head was.
because it took that feeling to dig in like i've never dug in before.
there was such deep desperation.
and a KNOWING that i had no choice - i HAD to make it work.

as i went along, i learned i wasn't alone.
not by a long shot -
you guys were there.
and what i needed always seemed to come.
be it emotional support, encouragement, money, or ideas.

and here we are, you guys -
years and years and years and years later -

AND IT WORKED.

ohmygosh, it really really worked.

i raised my sons.
with you guys right next to me.
and i cannot type that out without getting choked up.

noah (my middle son) was the one who first said we needed a website so long ago.
he didn't know how to make one - but knew we needed one -
i think he was 15 at the time.
so he taught himself how to make one and he built one!
i am not kidding.
and guess what noah does for a living right now? he builds websites
and does graphic design work!!

zakk read programming books as if they were harry potter stories.
he read and read and read and taught himself languages i had never heard of.
and he learned how to give us the quote of the day, our shopping cart,
our newsletter, our e-cards - those are all zakk projects.
guess what zakk does for a living now? he is in partnership with noah,
and they own their own company. zakk's the evil programming genius.

josh, always the people person, was my 'hey! you gotta check out my mom's work' guy.
he'd pop into shops and tell them about his mom. we have one of our best shops
because of josh's salesmanship! can't surprise any of us that josh's work now is
in the music industry and the entertainment field. always out in the public!

they're grown, you guys. they're grown. and moved out (well, any day now as zakk
and noah finish work on their new house) - and when i think about it, and all that
we traveled together, the tears just well up.

in the very beginning, we wandered in the car going from store to store
peddling bone sighs.
i was so scared and so shy.
we camped over nite at places to participate in festivals -
always on a budget.
we sat thru festivals that were just empty or rainy.
we loaded up our tiny tiny tercel that couldn't possibly hold all of us, a festival tent,
art for the festival, screens to hang the art on, and our own packed stuff,
and we drove and we talked and we dreamed.

we cried together over the hurts of the divorce.
we brainstormed together over business ideas.
we gathered around and cheered when our first fax came thru on our fax machine.
and when i made a record amount of money at a festival and called to tell the guys,
i came home to a sign the boys had made that had a $ symbol on it and 'way to go!'

we talked about the possibility of slim christmases,
and always managed to pull off beautiful ones until they got old enough where it didn't
matter, and by then finances had slowed again and the slimmer christmas happened
but they didn't care anymore. everything was precious.

we pulled our finances together to get noah an air compressor he had drooled over.
zakk coming up with the idea and being the first to offer to pitch in.

they boys learned how to do mechanics so that we could have a car to drive.
the stories there would amaze you. that in itself is a book.
they literally saved us and rebuilt our cars to keep us going.

we lived with engines in the kitchen, cars breaking down, and grease becoming a way of life.

we brainstormed more.
we reminded each other to trust and keep going.
i worked so many hours in the beginning days that my eyes always felt like they
had sand in them. i whispered mantras to myself to keep me head in a good place.
we laughed often.
we brought sandwiches everywhere we went.
and when we splurged and went out to eat, we knew how great it was.

times got better and we started having executive lunches out every friday barinstorming
business ideas thru lunch.
times got tighter and we changed the lunches to going out for snacks and tea.
times got tighter and we dropped the snacks and went for tea.
times got even tighter and we stopped going out.
but we'd still sit around my table and brainstorm.

there are times i sit and cry for some of the heartache that my needing to leave my
marriage caused my children. there's a heaviness that i'm sure will never go away.
but there's some incredibly powerfully good stuff that i can finally really really see
outweighs that heartache -

my boys learned some amazing stuff.
they positively knew that they mattered and what they did kept us going.
they could see how much value they had.
they were a part of everything we did.
they learned about following your heart.
they learned about daring and trying and succeeding and struggling and struggling
and struggling and making it anyway.
they knew the joys of succeeding. and the sweat in keeping it all going.

they learned how to be grateful for small things
and how not to take things for granted.

and they watched the bone sighs touch people.
and they saw the connections of us all.

they learned and grew.
i learned and grew.

we would not be here without you guys.
you guys helped raise us, you guys were there every step of the way.
you guys were a part of us every single day.

the boys are men now.
and in a few days it's just me on my own.

obviously the purchases still matter as i need to survive.
but it's different now. i won't lay awake at nite and figure
out how i'm gonna pull it off and keep my boys happy.

they're happy.
they're grown.

and i cannot find the words to thank you for being part of our lives.
your purchases matter. your purchases have power.
your purchases change lives.

thanks for letting us be part of your world.
thanks for being such a huge part of ours.

it's been one heck of a journey.
and i wouldn't trade any of it.
not one smidgen.

taking a moment

we're sending out the newsletter in just a few hours.
i have a special 'thank you' post i'll be posting here that goes with the newsletter.

which keeps this post brief.
which is as it should because i wanted to take a moment to remember 9/11.
and for some reason, for me, the fewer the words, the better.
it's just so deep, and feels beyond words.

hatred.
what are we doing to stop the hatred?
what are we consciously doing in our own little corners?
i've started looking with new eyes.
for awhile now - after more violence -my eyes can't seem to
stop seeing our power in our lives.
i believe with my whole heart that we need to see clearer,
stop looking for easy answers, step up and claim repsonsibility with
every life choice we make and open ourselves to learning from each other.
we create our world.
what are we adding to it?
in all honesty, what are we really adding to it?

to me, holding that, wrestling with that, working with that -
is a profound way to light the darkness of 9/11.
it's the start of looking hatred in the eye and saying it's time to stop.

who knew gravity was so darn strong?!

i spose it's really actually very funny.

i've been using this old ladder for years.
it's too heavy for me, it's metal and is rusted and really hard
to make bend the way it needs to bend.

rather than get a whole new ladder, i opted to do the ol' wd40 deal.
zakk was there as i squirted that magic into the bendy adjustable parts
of the ladder.

'this can't do anything wrong, right??' i asked him.

he joked with me about that and assured me that it was fine.

so i squirted some more and felt sure that this ladder and i were gonna make friends.
we had never really gotten along.
it was acquired when a neighbor was moving and didn't want it anymore.
and never once did i find it easy to use.

i actually built up  my arm strength in part to deal with the ladder.
i kid you not.
i've been lifting it around the yard to clean windows and all proud of
myself that i can move the darn thing!

so there i was, cleaning my gutters on my ladder.
i scooted on my porch roof at one point to get some leaves outta another
gutter....

uh oh.

i had gone up a way i don't usually get up.
and now i wasn't sure i could get down.

uh oh.

no one was home.

oh man.
now what?

i was sitting on my roof wondering how in the world to get down.
should i just sit up there for the evening?
maybe do some thinking.

sure the mosquitoes would enjoy it more than i would,
i decided to get down.
i gave this some serious thought.
i really didn't want to fall off the roof, and i really wanted to get down.

so after some deep breaths, some looking for places to grip,
some back up 'how-to-fall-plans' -
i backed myself off the roof onto the ladder.

i was so darn relieved to feel that ladder under my feet.
we are gonna make friends after all, i thought.

scooting the ladder over to the other part of the roof, it wasn't tall enough.
i had to change its position. had to stretch it out straight.

i laid it down in the yard.
it looked like a giant 'greater than' sign.
one side in the grass,
the other side tilted up to the sky.

all i gotta do is unbend it, and straighten it out.
piece of cake.

i jiggled those bendy levers to change the position of the ladder.
they wouldn't move right.
putting my foot on the one side that was on the ground,
i gripped tighter and got the levers loose.
the ones i had squirted
and there is where i saw the power of the wd40 -
SLAM
that ladder moved like a well oiled ladder with the force of gravity behind it.
that ladder smashed down on my toe with such force my eyes about popped
outta my head.
SMASH SLAM MASH WHOOM WHOOSH BAM.

OWWWWWWWWWWWW.............

oh man, now i closed those popped out eyes.
'i think i broke my toe.'
'no, you didn't break it,' i responded in my head.
with my foot still smooshed in there.
'it'd feel different. you just creamed it.'

so why on earth do i have this conversation right then in my head?
and! something in me knew there were people outside, so i actually
stayed quiet. how can the pride thing be so strong that i didn't scream????

i couldn't get my stinkin' foot out at first.
the ladder was like an alligator's mouth.

i thought it was gonna go the other way!!! not THIS way!!
ow.

i bent down, got my foot free and didn't make a sound.

i hobbled into the house.
the moment i got alone inside, i started crying like a little girl.
and i mean, like a little girl.
i hobbled to the side of the bathtub,
sat down and stuck my toe in the cold running water
and cried.

i cried cause it hurt.
(and no, it's not broken - the toenail took the brunt of it)
i cried cause i just wanted to be able to do all this stuff easier.
i cried cause i hated that ladder and knew i should get a new one
and never have. i've looked at them. thought of it. and never spent
the stinkin' money to get one.
i cried cause zakk could do this same leaf thing in one thousandth of
the time i could do it.
i cried cause zakk was so young and strong and i wasn't.
i cried cause there were ants in my gutter and i'm soooo tired of ants.
i just cried.
like a little girl.

and then i stood up.
it didn't feel so bad anymore.
maybe i should go finish the job.

maybe i should be a big girl and go finish the job.

standing there in the middle of my living room,
i tried to think that thru.
should i?
or would i end up killing myself in the process?

i could feel it throbbing.
i opted for foot up in bed with a movie.
seemed like the best option available.

i would check around for a new ladder.
maybe get an awesome deal somewhere.
feel like a genius over that.

which might make up for the feelin' like the dope that i feel like now.
but one thing at least - the wd40?
it works.
oh it works good.

and my toe?
it still works too.
and this morning it dawned on me how lucky i was it didn't fall on the
middle of my foot. i woulda smashed it to pieces for sure.

what did i learn thru this? oh a lotta things - things about getting on the roof, and
having correct tools and stuff to work with and being safe and smart and thinking thru
things - oh yeah, i actually think i got all that - i really did. i'm gonna be brilliant in
a years time over here with all my house project mistakes i'll make!

but i got something else too.
as i sat there in the bathroom, one of the things i was crying over was
being all alone with my throbbing toe. no one there to laugh with me and give my
shoulders a squeeze.
i thought of all the people who fight huge health battles every day all alone.
and how that in itself had to be as horrible as the health issues.
i sat there and thought of them.
and cried some more.
my heart opened wide for them.

i don't want to forget that or them.

funny how a stupid ladder and throbbing toe can be something that opens
your heart.

harriet the homeowner took a hit last nite.
but she's back today....toe's better......heart's open.
relationship with that ladder's over tho, baby.
i'm movin' on.

gates

i wondered if i should tell him.
tell him what went thru my head.
i was afraid it'd make him uncomfortable.
squirmy.
but i also thought it would help him see what happens sometimes in my head.
i wanted him to know.
i wanted us to understand each other more.

and so i braved it.
it was something that made me feel completely vulnerable.
something that touched on my weak spots.
but it felt like it mattered to say it out loud.
to put everything i could out there.

taking a deep breath i told him.

there's a reason i can even think of doing this.
of telling him stuff when i'm totally vulnerable.
cause even tho i get scared, worry, think twice, have to push myself -
i can do it cause he hears.
cause he holds it.

which he did.

and we talked.
and figured more stuff out together.

it's been a lotta years of doin' this kinda thing.
in the beginning it was different.
harder i guess cause the trust was newer.
harder cause we weren't sure the other would hang on thru it.
harder cause the foundation wasn't there.

it's been a lotta years.
the foundation grows stronger and stronger.
it's still hard as it's always hard to be vulnerable.
real hard.
but  now it's not just because  we have to.
we've moved into wanting to.
wanting to grow it more.
grow it deeper.
bring it further and further into the real.

and the word 'partner' becomes deeper and deeper with each of
these moments we share.

like the word 'love', i think the word 'partner' isn't thought thru enough.
we just fling it around so easily....
i haven't found much easy about creating that relationship for real.
but i sure have found a value in it i never could have imagined before.

it makes me think of all my close relationships.
there's SO much depth we can travel together -
if we open to it.
somehow we can't do the traveling without each other.

we truly are each other's mirrors -
and i think so much more -
i think we're gates for each other -
gates into really living.

not so sad

i woke up saying something from a dream i was having.
actually saying the words.
i noticed, thought of the dream, and thought 'ohhhhhhh don't forget this one,
this one's important!' then went back to sleep.

and of course, forgot about it.

UNTIL...

something happened during the day where i felt sad.
and then i remembered the dream.
(which is really really cool as i didn't say 'oh what was that dream i was having?
it just popped back in right when i needed it!)

since dreams are really only interesting to the one having them, i'll spare you.

but here's what i got out of it -

a lot of my past relationships weren't healthy.
they were with people who really weren't healthy, and i just tried
to overlook a lot of stuff, and kinda sidestep stuff, and make it all okay.
(of course i understand there's a scale of healthiness and we're all still
striving towards real health...but you know what i mean.)

i did a whole ton of that.
i was actually an expert in that.

so it was easy to have relationships that weren't healthy.
my life was full of them.

they're gone now.
i don't do that anymore.

but some of those that are gone make me sad.
i miss them - or PARTS of them.

but the dream stopped me in my tracks when that started happening to me -
when i started missing one. the dream came right to mind. and its message.

wait a minute!
wait a minute!

it's like there's two parts to the sadness.....
one is legitimate, one is based on some kinda skewed view.

loss is sad. how that loss happens can be sad, the traps people can't
get out of is sad, that kinda thing. that's fair. be sad. you can carry that around
and that's an okay thing. that's one of the weights you carry just by being here.

but the actual not having the unhealthy in my life anymore?
wait just a doggone minute......that's a GOOD thing!
that's a good thing.
don't be sad about that! just stop doin' that!

it was unhealthy! it wasn't honest! it wasn't good for you!

i have to stop skewing it and saying the whole thing is sad.
there's goodness in having the unhealthy fall away and the making
of room for the healthy that comes into our lives then.

that's good stuff.
and i don't mean that in any kinda flip way or in any kinda sour grapey kinda way.

i mean that in the most sincere, honest way possible.
it's a good thing these relationships fell away. it's the healthy thing.

and i hadn't been looking at that lately.

funny too, as many years ago i wrote a bone sigh on this very thing -

'she had to stop looking at it as tragic

she lost something.

it was time to accept that it would have

been tragic if she never left it.'

my dream reminded me.
and i started remembering.
and seeing.
and smiling.
and trusting.

happy new year

driving home as the sun was setting,
i thought of the jewish new year which was just beginning.

a new year.

i really really liked the timing of that.

'i'm in.' i thought.

i had spent some time cryin' on my guy's shoulder over some
endings that were happening.we talked of just needing to 'let go.'
as i drove away from his house, i thought about that and whispered
'it's okay. it's time.let go.'

and then - more endings - my life as a mom is ending. it's the last couple weeks of the
guys being in and out here. i  know. i know. i'll always be a mom.
but the main stuff.......well, heck it's over. there's just the logistics
of the final move.

endings.

and beginnings.

some really awesome beginnings.

a time for me to find me.
a time for me to make my home mine.
a time for my guy and i to truly find us.

beginnings.

the nite was beautiful.
the air cool.
the insects singing their songs.

there had been a heaviness around me all day.
my guy had felt it, softly nudged me to lighten up and just relax.

i smiled.
big.
lighten up.
yeah.
yeah.
i need to do that.
i like it when i remember that.
or when i'm reminded.
it's such a good thing to do.
it kinda puts things back in perspective.

i pulled into my empty driveway.
looked at my house.
'happy new year!' i whispered to the place.

walking in, i found the throw rug i had ordered
for my new office that i was making in zakk's old room.

i smiled.
my new years present.

endings can be sad.
maybe they mostly are.
beginnings tho......they sure do hold some excitement.

inner parts

i am the first one to tell  you i don't know much of anything.
and absolutely no expert on any topic.

thing is....i'm also really quick to figure other people know more than i do -
especially the ones who stand out as leaders.
and that's not okay.
i need to trust some of the stuff i know inside me.
and i need to be willing to claim those things.

and it's with that thought in mind, i offer this blog.

i read a book a few years ago by one of those leaders in the field of
spiritual kinda things.
and she said something in the beginning about not believing in the whole
inner child thing. i debated even finishing reading....think i did, but i tell ya,
that really did me in. i didn't like the way she just wrote it right on off.

cause here's the thing.....i KNOW that i have an inner child in me.
maybe not everyone does - altho i would guess they do, but since there's
no way for me to know, i won't decide. just hope they do. (cause i think it's
way way cool.)

but i know i do. and i didn't know it until i was in my forties.
i honestly had no idea.
and now i look and wonder how on earth i couldn't have known!!
so, her dismissing it kinda helped egg me on in claiming it.

i have a friend who's way more healthy than she realizes.
she's not only in touch with her inner child -
she's in touch with her inner children!

and she talks freely with me about that.

and i smile and think how refreshing that is.

how could we really think we're just one steady solitary being inside our bodies?
how can we not see that we have many many different parts inside us?
you don't have to call them your inner children...

you can maybe identify your insecure part, your bold part, your competent part,
or your part that falls apart at certain things in your life.

there are times one part is in total control, something happens, and another steps in
and it's like you're just different.

it makes such sense to me that we're not just one thing.
that we're fluid and changing and timeless and always the same....
yeah......that actually makes sense to me.

and i think we limit ourselves by thinking we're just one thing.
by not seeing those parts and working with them and honoring them.

my friend recently said she felt hollow and was not feeling really there.
but she was saying the things she needed to say and putting on the face she needed to wear.

i know that one all too well.
and when i get that way, i think a lot of times there's parts of me that need attention.
for me, it's my inner child.

that part of me is scared, or tired, or worn down or feeling not seen. and goes missing.
and in that 'going missing' i begin to feel hollow.

and it's not a natural thing for me me yet to say 'oh, have i been paying attention to all of me?'
no....i usually have to feel hollow or bad for awhile before it dawns on me that
there's things i need to check inside myself. parts of me i need to call out and check in with.

i used to feel too weird talking about it. preface this kinda talk with all kindsa apologies
for the weirdness of it all.

but i'm thinking it's not weird.
it's normal.
only we never talk about it, we don't know about it, we don't learn about it.
we dismiss it or believe people who 'know more than we do' that this stuff is nonsense.

and then if we do dabble with this, and pay attention, we feel crazy.

no.
i don't think so.
not doin' that anymore.

it makes too much sense to me.
feels too healthy and right when i work with myself that way.
causes no harm, and seems to create harmony.

i was inspired by my friend feeling kinda lost with it all right now.
wanted to write this to kinda proclaim - you're not crazy -
we're all wonderfully mixed up.
you're just way more aware than many.
and that's a good thing!

here's to inner children, inner teens, and all the different parts we carry
around each day!

gaspingly beautiful

it's just too gaspingly beautiful-
i read this and said out loud to the room 'oh wow'
and then read it again three more times.

wanted to offer this today for you to hold.....
it's from mark nepo and his book 'unlearning back to god.'

'surely to be loved is the most nourishing and silent of gestures,
grossly overrated in its appeal, sorely underrated in its importance.
to be loved is nothing less than having a stranger, even one you know,
cross your desert to its center and pour their love like a bucket over
your heart to replenish your well. and so, a man or woman who has truly
lived, fully lived, has a wet rim around their heart from which there
are countess tracks in all directions; their outer lands trampled by
the comings of strangers and the goings of friends.'

nice and full

i'm not exactly sure how it happens,
but weekends around here at times can just hold so many of the
different aspects of life - they are packed full with such a range,
that sometimes it takes my breath away when i look at it.

and as always, a couple things stand out for me -

there was the witnessing of some really sad stuff.
but - perhaps because it's not mine, but someone else's -
i could step back a bit. i'm close enough to get swept into it all,
but i'm learning and sometimes can resist the current and stay
in my own stream.

what happened for me was i could step back enough to see
that the interactions that took place had to take place. they are
part of the journey. i understood it, and recognized it.
i could see that the person choosing a certain reality, had to do
what he did to keep that reality going. even tho, he wasn't
aware of it all. if he was going to travel down the road he chose,
then he'd have to do a little adjusting around him. maybe he
consciously didn't think this. but something inside him understood that,
and created the opportunity for him to adjust his surroundings
by closing the doors on people in his life.

the timing of this all was no coincidence.
i could see it, understand why it was happening, and watch.

and i was fascinated.

so along with the sad, and tragic, i found fascination in how we
create our realities in ways we're not even aware of.

i think he's extreme, but i know we all have to do it in some form.
certainly not as extreme....but maybe then it's even harder to see,
and then maybe we have to pay closer attention.
and that stands out for me.

what do i do with it?
i use it as a reminder that i'm choosing my reality in thousands of different ways,
and that being as aware as possible is something to keep working on always.

the other things that stand out are happenings in closets.

as i was inside one closet painting, there was plenty of noise all around.
the fans were blowing, music was playing, hammers were hammering and people
were thudding around. i heard zakk come up to noah and say 'there's a lot of
humidity in this house!  and i heard noah who didn't quite catch it squint up at
zakk - yeah, i could really hear that happen - and i heard him say 'there's a lot
of HUMANITY in the house????' trying to figure out what zakk meant. and i
burst out laughing in the closet.

it was just one of those moments, ya know? and i love it when words are
heard wrong and other things come out. cause there WAS a lot of humanity
in the house! and i laughed and laughed as i stood in their coat closet covered in paint.
and it felt so good to be tickled and just laugh. i could feel the delight fill the closet,
and i let it bounce off the walls all around me.

and then, as i painted another closet, and listened to all the men talking about things
about the house in the other room....i was filled with gratitude for them.
for the incredible network of competence and care.

how'd it all happen??? i wondered.
my sons own homes,
and this whole family of really cool people are workin' together to support and encourage.
i painted and let those thoughts bounce around the walls around me.

the closets were awesome places to be this weekend.....

i worked on seeing some of my own personal issues that were getting in my way
in yet another closet. and had a good ol' talking to myself.

shoot, maybe i ought to clear out my closet over here and just go stand in it
every once in awhile!

it was a full weekend. one that i'm tuckin' into my pocket as i turn to the week.