a little hibernation

looks like it's time for a little winter hibernation
before spring hits.
a few days?
a little longer?
not sure.......
just gonna take a bit of a break here........
think my insides need to go quiet.

feel free to browse the five zillion posts below this one!
no wonder my insides need to go quiet.......

:)

i keep trying

something was bothering me.
so i decided to give it some thought.
and in sitting with it,
i took it down to a deeper layer.

that in itself is pretty cool.
it always amazes me when i see something
that i was missing before.
we are so darn complicated.
to see thru some of the tangles is such a good thing.

so there i was - like kinda amazed -
oh.
gosh.
look at that.
there's a lot more here than i realized.

well, that's kinda cool, i thought.

and then.....it didn't take long.....

i felt some fear from it.
thinking i couldn't take care of it the way i wanted.
then tried to set the fear down and look at how i should
approach it all.
and then i approached it in the way i had all thought out.
and sure enough -
that didn't work.
i kinda flopped with that part.
and lay there all flopped out.
then felt disheartened for a bit.
then not so bad.
then kinda hopeful.

cause the important thing is i see something i needed to see.
and i tried to tackle it.
granted it slipped right outta my tackle.
but so what?
i try again.
a different way.
and maybe a different way after that and maybe one after that.

doesn't matter.
cause what matters is i see what i need to see and i go in the direction
i need to go. i travel more in the direction that is me.

i honestly believe that is what matters.

now.
can i hold that the next time the fear rises?
prolly not.
pretty sure i won't.
but maybe the periods in between fear and holding will be shorter and shorter.
and maybe in between i'll remember some of this magic i've been noticing around
me lately.

toasting

it came to me on the treadmill.
it came in and grew.
and grew and grew.

an understanding that i had been taking way too much for granted.

i guess that thought was trying to surface for a few days now that i look back.
but it finally popped thru a layer so that i could see it while i was exercising.

i realized - or at least partially realized - how short life was.
and how i didn't want to waste it.

i thought of the snow they were calling for that nite.
okay, i thought, if i'm awake and it's snowing, instead of grumbling about it,
i'm gonna sit with it and watch it as if i had never seen snow before. or as if
it was the last snow i'd ever see.

this seemed like a great idea as i had rolled my eyes at the thought of the cold
coming back in yet again.

rolling my eyes about living didn't seem like a good idea.
i liked this idea to be fully present.

wasn't but a couple hours later that it was snowing full force outside.
i was surprised. didn't realize they were expecting any that early.
and i was tickled.

okay, i thought......
and i sat down by my fire by my window with a warm cup of tea
and watched the snow.

i was mesmerized.
it was the big flake kind that fall so softly.
lots of them.
the kind that could hypnotize you if you let it.

i sipped my tea.
it tasted so good.
i felt the warmth.
watched the snow.
and realized how darn lucky i was.

the guys came over for lunch later that day.
i pulled out the sparkling cider and the wine glasses.
'let's toast the snow!'
and we did.

inside, i was also toasting living.
my own private little toast with the world.

things catch us, trip us up, get us mixed up in a craze or a daze,
we get lost and forget that we don't have forever here.
and that what we do have is a gift.
all of it.

i don't know what finally allowed that thought to break thru for me...
but to realize i had been taking my life for granted really hit me.
i don't want to do that.

i really don't.

toasting the snow.
toasting the winter.
toasting the spring soon to follow.
toasting the all.

seeds of hope

there comes a time and place where you just have to grab your sanity
or lose it.

i have several theories of why this winter has played with my sanity
the way it has, but regardless of the theories - it just plain ol' has.
little miss 'i love winter, it's my favorite' has turned into a growly
bear wondering 'when the heck is winter gonna end.'

it's been quite interesting to watch.

one nite, in desperation, i painted my kitchen floor.
it wasn't a wild painting of the floor.
it's something i do every so often, and it needed it.
it was however spur of the moment and necessary for my
keeping my mind in tact. i didn't do it to paint the floor.
i did it for therapy.

turned out to be a wonderful experience and one that helped
a lot with my mood.

i've been pokin' around with small house projects since.
but not enough.

see, that's the thing -
when you're on the verge of losing your sanity,
you don't do  the sane things that keep you here.
because if you were sane enough to do that,
there wouldn't be a problem in the first place.

i get this and work with it the best i can.
and have moments where i can grab that lifeline that i need,
and bring myself back to shore.

it was one of those moments that made me drop everything,
grab my car keys and run out to buy seeds.

i drove the back way which is beautiful.
i looked at the winter trees and loved them.
remembered the beauty of winter.
all the time smiling because i decided i was gonna start spring.

when i got in front of the seeds, i found myself arguing with myself.

last year i swore off seeds. i seem to have a black seedling thumb,
and decided i'd never try to start them again.

but, i argued.....this year you need spring in the living room, terri.
you need to talk to the dirt and ohh and ahh when you see the little
sprouts coming up. you need to see that color green and look at it
every day.

i pictured the whole thing.
talking to the little seedlings, urging them to grow.

and i laughed right out loud in the store.
i AM losing my mind.
i'd better get these.

and so it begins.
i'm starting spring.
right now.
today.
because sometimes you just gotta do what you can to grab your
sanity back.

they're calling for snow tonite.
and i say bring it on baby, cause i got my seedlings.
i absolutely know spring is beginning in my living room today.
i can handle anything now!

reminders from rembrandt, rothko and even the red hat viewer

it wasn't for long -
just another quick hop over to the art gallery.
just to get out some and get a little inspiration.

the energy between us all was great.
the stories were flying as we drove down.
laughter as we walked in.
joy in just stealin' time for a short break.
maybe there's extra joy in knowing it's not for long.
that the time is extra precious.

i've grown up visiting these art galleries.
used to go wander them as a teenager with my girlfriends.
it's been a lotta years of stoppin' in.

i've seen ol' mister rembrant ever since i can remember.
and yet yesterday i think was the first time i really saw him.

i stood there in front of his portrait and i swear he was looking
straight into my soul. i put my hand on my heart as i could just
feel him. i couldn't get over how alive he was.

then there was that rothko that took me years to 'get' -
but once gotten, his work only goes deeper. i stood in front of
one of his paintings and just got lost in the depths.

i watched a man in a suit stand sideways and stare at 'the girl
with a red hat' by an artist that takes my breath away. i so wanted
to take a picture of that man lookin' at her. there he stood sideways
for some reason. there wasn't anyone else there. but he was
standing sideways as if there was a crowd he was fitting into.
and he looked at her over his shoulder for the longest time. i stood
smiling and watching. he seemed so fascinated with her, and yet
reluctant to turn and face her full on.

the painting of madame picasso. the new van gogh that is totally
my favorite. - it just zings me. bumping into davinci and michelangelo...
and the painter who i'm thinking i will never ever remember his name,
but he's new to me and i love what he does.

and the one that someone pointed to that i didn't like.
but as i walked over and looked closer,
i was so taken with the message i got out of it. i loved it.
i loved the food for thought it gave me.

i soaked up inspiration at every turn.
and wanted to bring some of those feelings back with me for the week.
i thought about how cool it was.
rembrandt and rothko are about as different artists as you get.
and yet, each one touched me so deeply.

i like that a lot.
i liked that the painting i thought i didn't like made me think and gasp
and end up enjoying it.

it reminds me that inspiration isn't found in just one form.
it nudges me to keep my eyes open and try to see more and more.
it reminds me that we all have something to offer.
and that truly, the uniqueness of ourselves is such a gift that we forget
all too often.

even the man in front of the red hat painting held a thought for me -
i don't want to look at inspiration sideways. i want to turn and face
it full on and soak it up. i want to stand in front of it open and eager.
what an important element to the soaking it in.

inspiration at every turn.
sometimes i need to go to the art gallery to find it.
and then sometimes the art gallery reminds me that it's everywhere,
if i can just remember the diversity it lives in and open my eyes to see,
and then of course - to stand and become part of it head on.

a deal...

it's been a week of being seen
and not being seen.
being heard
and not being heard.
of communication
and miscommunication.

in every direction -
from without and within.

i guess i could say that about every single week i've ever been alive.
couldn't we all?
it's part of being human, isn't it?

i just happened to be feelin' a bit down about some of it.
so i went out to talk to the sky.
i realized that i had done a whole lot of the not seeing as well.
even when it came to my own self.

i also realized there had been some really cool moments of
feeling seen - and of seeing others.
there had been some really wonderful moments of communication
and hearing.....

and i had a choice as to which stuff i wanted to focus on.

i made myself a deal -
go ahead, ter, you can feel weary right now.
that's okay.
go ahead and do that.
but turn your thoughts to the connecting moments of your week.
hold the gifts you got from those around you who saw you and let you know.
think of the beauty of offering that back that you got to experience.
do all that while at the same time you allow yourself to be weary.

seeming like a pretty fair deal, i agreed.

and then i smiled.
it took like a split second of turning my thoughts there to realize
i couldn't think those things and feel weary at the same time.

when i turned my thoughts to the other, the weariness came right back in.

i shook my head, and went back to the good stuff -
that had been the deal.
think the good thoughts and allow yourself to be weary.

so i thought the good thoughts,
and even tho weary was allowed to come in,
it didn't seem to want to anymore........

magic and mystery

there's a story i want to tell.
and yet, i can't.
because it's not just mine to tell.

i thought maybe i could tell it in a roundabout way -
and so i sat to try to figure out how to do that.

i meandered this way and that, tried this and discarded that,
and finally got to a spot where i saw how incredibly awesome it was to be a woman.

maybe that's what's the bottom line of the whole story, i thought.

and then i thought about it a little more.
no.
that's not quite it.

i think the bottom line is about how amazing it is to be human - not just
a woman - but human because we get to live this mysterious journey filled
with magic. and that's not limited to women.

i think that's it.
i think that's the bottom line of this story that i can't really tell.

it's a story filled with the stuff of life - silliness and joy, growth and pain,
sorrow and maturing, learning and understanding, shame and forgiveness,
love so deep and love so shallow. and here and there, sprinkled thru out
the whole way is magic and mystery.

it's a story of how people connect so close, and then drift apart.
and while apart, they travel roads that grow them in ways they couldn't imagine.
and it's because of what one learned thru her own deep pain, that she reached out
to the other. and the other trusted and reached back.

could the reaching out have happened if the one had not learned what she
did from the pain of her travels?
i honestly don't know.

what an interesting question that is for me.
i do know the pain gave her the understanding that led her to reach.

and there was a reaching back.

could the reaching back have happened if not for such a strong spirit that had
become stronger and stronger thru her own journey with pain?

again, i honestly don't know.......and am intrigued by the question.

the finding of each other was magic.
the trust was magic.
the discovering of similar thoughts and feelings and sorrows and joys was magic.

and i think the magic was noticed and appreciated -
but maybe it wasn't until the latest piece of mystery showed up that it really felt
like time to stop and honor it all.

how is it possible that on top of all the rest,
a visual of the white tree was shared by both?
how is it possible that when both were lost and searching and asking for help,
thru their different ways, they both saw themselves as a white tree?

one described her white tree as 'burnt, charred, hacked and carved in.'
the other described her white tree as 'struck by lightning.'

visuals that were so strong and so deep to two who hadn't reconnected yet.
to be shared years later in wonderment and awe.

how is that even possible?

there are  moments in life that the sheer mystery and depth of the gift of
living knocks me to my knees.

the odd part is, i get up again, lose those moments, and get stuck in small
insignificant happenings. you would think i'd stop doing that. but i guess that's
part of the whole human thing i'm talkin' about.

and maybe, that even adds to it all.
because no matter how many times i forget,
one big ol' hunk of magic will come along and knock me to my knees again.

it is with such reverence for living that i kneel today.
and bow my head in gratitude for this gift i've been given.

and it is with great reverence that i honor the white tree image that quite
possibly many people carry deep inside them.

may we all remember our holiness.
and may we all remember the sacredness of living.

more learning.....

i remember when the kids were little,

i'd watch real close to make sure they got fed when they needed it-

tried not to let them get too hungry.

had their naps when they needed it-

tried not to let them get too tired.

i made sure they had the brown bowl if that's what they liked,

never gave them the blue bowl instead - cause i knew if i didn't

watch these things, melt downs would occur.

and there were enough of those as it was, if i could ward off a few, i would.

so i paid attention and filled the needs that i could.

last nite, sitting on the couch, tryin' to figure out a few things that were goin'

on inside of me, i remembered that kid stuff.

and i smiled.

i wondered why it hasn't occurred to me that sometimes i need that same kinda

attention to my own needs. 

no, not every day.

but on those days when things are harder - yeah, i need to pay that kinda attention.

i don't think i realized this before.

i've gotten better about understanding my needs and tryin' to fill them.

i have.

but there's still so much to learn.

like this -

i thought i had it down the other day.

i hit a rough patch.

and in response to that -

i needed something.

i understood that.

saw it.

went to get it.

here's the thing tho -

sometimes just the way things play out,

even when you try to fill  your need, you still don't.

life can get in the way of that.

and it did.

life got in the way.

i knew it.

saw it.

understood it.

knew there was no blame to lay anywhere for my needs not getting met.

knew life just got in the way.

and said 'that's okay, i don't really need it that bad.'

and went on my way.

and bam.

that right there was where i made a mistake.

i did great......really great.....all the way up to the -

'that's okay, i don't really need it that bad.'

yes i did!

that's why i went looking for it in the first place!

now, granted, i may not be able to get my need met in the way i first imagine.

i'm an adult, i can understand that and accept that.

but then~! then i have to go find another way to get that need filled.

if i just walk away and say 'well, no big deal......' i'm dishonoring myself.

and i'm throwing away all the good work i did in figuring out there

was a need there in the first place and going off to fill it.

how is it possible this is a brand new thought for me?

i cannot even begin to tell you how many times i've said 'that's okay,

i didn't really need it that bad.' and moved forward as if there was nothing

more to deal with.

um.

hello?

so terri, ever wonder why you feel funky days later and do something brilliant

like sit down and eat a bowl of ice cream or a box of cookies?

uh huh.

the need didn't go away.

my honoring of it did.

wow.

who knew?

i sure didn't.

questions for my day...

she came for tea.
we hadn't seen each other in years.
and years.

as i was preparing for her, i thought about her.
she's really kind and loving.
not angry or bitter.

and that in itself made me want to spend time with her.

it made me think of something i read in a book a long time ago -
something i've mentioned before cause it really struck me.
i forgot exactly how it was worded,
but it was about a woman coming to a time in her life where she
had to decide between being bitter or not.

i remember that stood out for me.
puzzled me.
yet somehow felt true to me.

maybe that's why i remember it.
and it comes to my mind a fair amount.

i was a lot younger then.

the older i get, the more i see the anger/bitterness around me.
maybe it is something that comes with age.

maybe life brings so many heartbreaks and disappointments that it just happens.

i don't know.

but i know it's abundant.
and many people who don't think they are, really are.
it's like a deep river that runs below everything.
it can definitely color all the waters that run thru a person.

being around people who don't have it feels so good to me.
especially right now.
i'm weary of that anger.

and i've been thinking about it.

i don't mean just generally getting angry about something that happens.
obviously that's part of being human and necessary for us to feel.

i mean that i think there's something that happens if we don't deal with that
anger. if we let it stay and grow....
or if we feed it.
or if we heap more anger on top of it....

however it works, i think there's something that happens
where it goes from some kinda normal healthy reaction and turns
into an unhealthy river that runs thru you.

and when that happens, its waters drip out of you in so many different
ways. and it's up to you whether you're gonna stay that way or not.

i believe that's what that book was sayin' that i read so many years ago.

and as i prepared for this woman's visit, i wanted to make
sure i told her that i honored that in her. that her loving kindness
without the anger was just what i wanted to soak in. and that
i was celebrating her in my own quiet way.

i don't think it's something we talk about enough, and maybe that's a mistake.
maybe we'd watch what's goin' on inside ourselves more if we did.

what we grow inside us comes out in so many different ways.
ways we don't even notice sometimes.
but always in ways that affect us,
even if we're not aware of it.

what are we feeding?
what are we growing?
who are we becoming?

i like those questions.
think i'll carry them off into my day and give them some thought.

holiday thoughts

oh valentine my valentine,
is the grass always greener on the other side of the hearts?

i've certainly felt it was at different times in my life.
many different times.

ever experience any of these? ---

you're single sally.
it's valentine's day.
you absolutely know without a shadow of a doubt that valentine's day
is wonderful for partnered patty over there because she has someone to love.
you roll your eyes at her having wonderful valentine's day plans.
of course she does. she has it so good.
she'll prolly go to that really cool new place to eat.
she has a partner.
you lean back and dream of what the perfect partner would do for you
and hope that next valentine's day will bring you that.
you'll be happy then.

OR

you're partnered patty.
unfortunately, you and your partner aren't doin' so good.
he's about as romantic as a frog these days and sometimes
doesn't even remember it's valentine's day. so you make dinner
plans for the both of you at that new place,
all the while wishing he cared enough to do something special for you.
you envy single sally.
she doesn't have to deal with this hurt like you do.
you'd be happy if he'd just wake up and see what this means to you.
you'll be happy when he wakes up.

OR

you're in-between betty.
thinking valentine's day isn't all it's cracked up to be.
you know single sally and partnered patty are both having more
fun than you are. you want more like they have.
wishing for more, knowing that if it was more you'd be happy then.

it's kinda funny when i type it up.
i smile thinking of it all.
and yet, it's not so funny when you're feelin' it....

it's not just valentine's day -
it's holidays.
it's life.
we fall into the land of expectations and disappointments -
and the grass is greener thing.
if it could just go this certain way, we'd be happy then.
if we just had it like so and so, we'd be happy then.

anyone there right now?

what a great thing to notice in ourselves!
what a great thing for us to look at and see if that's running thru our thought processes.
because if we can see it, we can change it.
and let's face it, we all do this stuff at times.
it's part of being human.

but the other part is we can catch it and change it!

are we thinking everyone else has it perfect or just right,
and we don't.....but when we do......well then it'll be okay?

we know that's not how it works.
we're well aware that the grass isn't REALLY greener on the other side -
and yet we go there anyway.
we don't even realize we fall into it.
(which is why it's so exciting to find out again!)

no one has it perfect.
no one has it just right.

no one.

and that in itself is kinda cool.

the people who can stop and enjoy seem to be the people
who are willing to be present with what they have and are willing
to work with what they have. they aren't lookin' at anyone else's grass.
they may be planting more grass seed, or mowing the lawn, but whatever
they're doin', they're lookin' in their own yard.

if you can catch the greener grass thing  in yourself, see it, be honest about it,
and turn to change it.......think of what an incredible valentine celebration
that would be! you would have just caught yourself goin' somewhere that
doesn't do you any good, and redirected your gaze.
that's empowerment for sure. and something to celebrate.

and if you're in a spot where you can see it and yet, you just
don't have the strength to change it - maybe you could offer yourself
compassion for where you're at. and trust yourself to be where you
need to be right now. what a beautifully quiet way to celebrate
valentine's day! talk about self love and trust.

and if you're not in this spot right now. but you know you have been
and you know you can be again, celebrate your crazy human self and
rejoice that you're in a steady part of the cycles of life right now.

it starts with self love.
it has to.
and the acceptance of being human.

and then once we hang out in that a bit, we can move on to accepting life
around us. accepting our life as it is and enjoying the moments.

when we're stuck in false perceptions of the perfection of those around us,
we are just that - stuck.

truly.

holidays egg that stuff on.
but maybe we can start to change that.
and start to open our hearts more and more in a real celebration of valentine's day -
in a real celebration of our lives.

maybe we can start with some self love today.
and then move on from there.
maybe we can spread some love in our lives around us.
not with the idea of getting but with the idea of giving.

that line right there?
the one about not getting but giving?
it's almost too easy to skip over that thought.
we've heard it so many times.
but that thought in itself is so darn powerful.
and so important as we think about this day of love.

there's so much to this day. it's such a great chance for us to look and see
what needs tending to, what needs holding in ourselves, and what needs loving
in our lives.

i'm toasting your heart today.
and toasting mine.
i'm toasting this moment that is ours.
and i'm toasting the beauty that we all bring to this planet.

and i'm toasting love.
love of every shape and form.
what an incredible force to sit back and honor today.

happy valentine's day!

the bone sigh arts quote of the day -

this came up as our quote of the day today.

i couldn't believe it as they're randomly generated.
and then again...i could believe it!

i could not have picked a more perfect bone sigh for today -
you can find it here if you'd like to see it!

“i will work on the act of listening to you
and my listening abilities will grow.
i will honor those things
you relay to me and act upon them.
when i act upon them,
i will know that i am living my truth
and owe no explanations to anyone.
i will believe in your ability to accept
all emotions and will not close down to
protect you.
i will direct my energies
and my power to a place that will
strengthen you, not deplete you.
i will follow you in the way i wish
the world would follow you.
the child of the universe
and the heart shall meld
and we shall dance as one.”

http://www.bonesigharts.com/store/a-vow-to-my-heart

happy valentine's day!

a moment on the path....

is it possible to work and work and work on your inner stuff.
to stand and to stare at your shame.
knowing you're gonna conquer it.
and then tremble in front of it sure that you'll never get beyond it.
and then run and hide.
and then try to escape.
and then work and work and work.
and fall down.
and then stand up again.
and fall down again.
and stand again.
and run.
and hide.
and come out and work again.
and get angry.
and then so sad.
and then happy.
and then confused.
and then quiet.
and quiet.
and quiet.

and oh so quiet.
so quiet, you start to think you've totally hibernated.

and then you start to hear a whisper.

a whisper in the silence.
it's clear.
there's no question of what it's saying.

'it's time.'

and you know it.
even tho you're not sure what that means.
but you know it.
and you nod.
and you open to it.

and you remember something you'd forgotten.
and yet, somehow you never really knew it before.
but maybe you did once long ago.
because somehow you recognize it.
it's brand new and totally familiar all at once.

and then a simple hop out into the cold,
just bringing up the recycling bins,
getting the mail,
looking at the gray sky that's filling
with the upcoming snow....

suddenly out in the middle of the winter,
spring lands inside you
in an entirely new yet old way.
and the echo of the spring birds singing
and the promise of new things growing
and the believing in the beauty that changes can bring...
and the knowing that it's not just FOR you -
but it's inside you as well -
it IS you.

this floods you.
even tho it makes no sense to your head.
but your bones embrace the flood.
your bones understand.

and somehow you know if your bones understand,
nothing else matters.
and your eyes fill with tears.
and your heart fills with belief.

and when the snow starts to fall,
everything inside of you is on fire and yet peaceful.

you're ready to step back into really living again.

is that really possible?
could that have just happened?

will i hold it long enough to become it?

only time will tell......

laughin' thru the mix....

she's one of my favorite neighbor's.
she makes me laugh and laugh.
i bumped into her when i went to get the mail.

there was much life to catch up on,
it had been awhile.
and being busy women, we do it fairly quickly.
but still, it takes a little time to cover that much ground.

but in a short time we ran thru enough topics to make your head spin.

as i walked back into the house smiling,
i realized what captured my heart about those conversations -
it's the understanding between us.
it seems to have grown over the years.
i guess it's grown as we have grown.
we know of the sad stuff.
and we know that we gotta hold it.
and yet, at the same time, if it's at all possible -
we're gonna laugh.
and we're gonna throw in a good heapin' hunk of gratitude wherever we can.
then we're gonna throw in a big ol' grumble, a sigh, and then another laugh.

i found myself literally stomping my foot and bending over with laughter.
i found my heart sincerely hurting for some of her sadness,
and i found myself nodding emphatically in gratitude with her.

yes, there have been conversations without the laughter.
yes, there have been times there's been only tears.
sometimes hers.
sometimes mine.
because that's the way life is sometimes.

it's the 'if it's at all possible, we're gonna laugh' thing that runs thru it all tho,
that makes me love her so much. i think somehow that brings the fullness
of life into it all.

it reminds me that life is filled with so many different emotions, so many
different depths. and that's okay.
there's pain smeared thru the good, joy splashed thru the sorrow,
it's all there....and i'm reminded of what a gift that incredible mix is once more.
and what a gift it is when you talk with someone who understands that.

wording

i had the thought in yesterday's blog over the weekend-
about giving each other the benefit of the doubt...

i was thinking about it in sears of all places.

i mentioned it to a friend over the weekend as well.
she had dropped me an email.
she was worried that i would think badly of her over something.

i smiled when i saw her note.
of course i didn't.
and i told her what i'd been thinking -
about giving each other the benefit of the doubt.
i didn't even have to do that with her note.
but it brought the thought to mind.

she read the blog below - and she pointed out something really important -

she mentioned that i had worded it differently to her in my note.
and that difference was important.
and i had to agree with her -
there's a big difference in the wording.

here's what i wrote her -

'what if we all thought the best of each other?
what if we weren't sure about something we went to the better conclusion?

that's different enough to mention it again.

it's kinda like the shift from being in 'shame school' to changing it to 'beauty school.'

there's a difference between giving the benefit of the doubt
and thinking the best of each other.

it's a step up for sure.

and i wanted to put it out here to share.

i gotta wonder now, after seeing the difference in shame school vs beauty school,
and benefit of the doubt vs thinking the best of each other -

how many other things can become so much better by what looks like just
a slight change in words?

here's one that pops into my mind right away -
i like who i am vs i love who i am.

hmmmmmmmmm.........
these are not such slight changes of words are they?

quick....not sure on the easy....

this is a quick and easy thought -

how would our world's change if we gave everyone the benefit of the doubt?

well...okay.....not EVERYONE.
but those we love.
and a lotta other people too.

i got to thinking how important this is.

and i mean, really - why DON'T we do that for the ones we love?

i do a lot.
i gotta say i do.

but i gotta tell ya -
i can do better.
way better.

stop and think about it.
i bet if you do, you can see a place or two that could use it as well.

think of all the times we wished we had been offered that courtesy.
and think of all the times we've missed offering it to others.

yeah, it's a quick thought -
but maybe it's not quite so easy.

sending peace to the olympics....

thinking of a friend...

a fleeting moment

i don't even know how to begin here without sounding like
i went off the deep end.

so here's a disclaimer -
no one need worry, or call in the professionals -
i really am okay.

have i mentioned here that 'shame school' got changed to 'beauty school'??

i hope i've mentioned that as that's important.
it seemed like an important shift.
pretty good, huh?

thing is - there's a lotta shame roots to deal with, right?
and i've been tryin' to do some of that while at the same time lookin'
at the beauty inside me, and work on fillin' up with good feelings.

i didn't want to just sit in shame.
that didn't seem like a smart plan.

so i worked on feelin' good.

but then i got a setback.

poof.

sittin' smack in a puddle of shame.

setbacks can be rough.
and this one had me whirling inside.
i wasn't ready for it.
but then...who is ever ready for a setback?
that's why we call them setbacks.

the voice in my head was tellin' me i was handicapped.
like i was damaged and wouldn't be able to get this stuff down.

yeah.
how's that for a great voice?

and here's the thing - i wasn't able to argue with it.
i was believing it.

and now, i am totally convinced there's a gentle presence wrapped around me
thru all of this.

because as i was struggling with feeling handicapped,
i got an opportunity to open my heart in a way i could really see it.

it opened for a bit in a way that was so pure, so loving, so full of beauty -
and i saw it.

i saw it.
clearly.

now, of course, those moments are holy and rare - and fleeting.
but i got one.

and i cried.
cause in that moment i knew i wasn't damaged.
i knew i wasn't handicapped.

and while it didn't take long for my heart to go back to the every day way -
which has moments of great love, moments of complete fumbling love, and
moments of closing - i understood that was okay.

cause i saw my heart in one holy moment.
and i knew i could believe in it.

i am bringing that in to beauty school with me.
my heart.

and i think that's gonna help a lot.

releasing the grasp....

somewhere along the way this weekend,
i made a deal with the universe.

what does that even mean?!

i don't know.
'cept maybe i committed to consciously payin' attention.
i don't know....

so i get in the car on my way somewhere,
and in the quiet bubble of the driving alone,
i just about start shouting about it all.
'when i said this - i didn't realize it meant THIS too!'

that kinda thing.

and i laughed.

'i'm not shouting at you, i'm shouting at me.' i said.

again -
what does that even mean?!

and again -
i don't know.

i just know that's what was goin' on inside me.
frustration, tryin' to understanding and seeing i missed a ton.

so i got where i was goin', shared my little car shouting
story and laughed.

after awhile it was time to hop back in the car.

and so i did.

as i pulled out, again, i found myself talking yet again to the great unknown -

'this is pretty darn exhausting' i said.

then i laughed out loud.

'that's the whole point, terri - LET GO!
STOP HANGING ON.
it won't be exhausting if you just let go.'

and i laughed some more.

oh yeah.
that's kinda the whole point, isn't it?!

sometimes all i can do is shake my head at myself.

let go, ter.
let go and fly -

our spotlight this month!

we're a few days behind -
life has been a little busy!
but! we made it! and we've got two wonderful women up
for our february spotlight!

wanted to share them with you!

come on over and check them out!

a piece of fabric...

i started reading my own book to myself.
how's that for a little bit crazy?

i'm gonna try to post something from it, maybe once a week,
to keep it all floating in my mind.

so i hit a page about using the image of water.
and i think it's something i want to pick up again - that water image.

here's what i read - it starts with a quote and ends with a quote,
so i'm gonna type out the whole thing -

........

before it was like a drip she'd hear now and then. 
not sure where it came from or what it was about.
it wasn't until it became a stream that she saw it.
and now she knew it.
her river of strength,
running thru her,
gaining power, 
growing fast
and taking her with it.

I think the image of water is powerful and can be used in so many ways to walk
through what's going on inside of us. It can remind us that we have an inner core
of strength. It an also help us remember that we can work with the things running
through us. It is a part of us; we can touch it and we can direct it just as it directs us.
There have been times when I feel overwhelmed with negative emotions, when I
feel that everything running through me is going in the wrong direction, when my
internal flow is heading down the wrong river bank.

      'to try to stand up in a current that can feel overwhelming and to turn
       that current around, that's what i want to do.
       i want to redirect the flow.
       yeah.
       redirect the flow seems like it's going to take a lot of muscle.
       but just imagine the raft ride afterward.'

she sat with her toes in the water.
the girl that is me.
sitting by my river of strength.
and i understood that they were connected.
and i understood that my exploring had only just begun. 
............

that's what i read.
and maybe it only makes sense cause i wrote it.
the thing it did for me was remind me of the river of inside of me.
it reminded me that what i do with it is up to me.
and it reminded me that i want to tune in so much deeper.

i liked that.
curious about the book?
you can find it here.