just thinking

i mentioned it the other day -

that i thought i was a good listener,
but then started seeing how much i miss.

and now i know being a good listener is going to be
something i work on my whole lifetime.

i can't just assume i'm good at it and then drop it.

you kinda gotta keep workin' at stuff to get good or
even just stay at a certain level.

well this morning i got to thinking about being 'thoughtless.'

who really thinks they're thoughtless, right?

altho i have had my fair share of 'oh, mygosh, i didn't even think that one thru!' moments.

so i've had plenty of thoughtless moments.
but yet, i'd still tell you i'm thoughtful.

because thoughtless people are 'those' people and they're extreme.

that's convenient, huh?!

but um......i don't think it has to be extreme.
as a matter of fact,
i think it's some of the quietest simplest moments that matter the most.

well, i've been watching and thinking -

we miss so much.
*i* miss so much!

and here's a weird twist on the thoughtfulness thing -
you actually have to realize your value so that you can be thoughtful about what you do.

yeah.
if you don't think you matter, or you're not that important,
you'll act like it and do things that seem thoughtless and definitely hurt.
you have to see clearly.

and i'm thinking it so relates to listening -
if you're not paying attention to the other person,
if you're just assuming about them.......
well, i'm pretty sure things will come out as thoughtless.
and maybe what it really is is sightless.

i don't think we can forever be worried about hurting everyone around us.
that gets tricky. yes, we need to care. but my gosh,
there's a lotta dysfunction out there and that kinda worry ends up getting
you really sucked into stuff that's not healthy.

but!
i don't think it would hurt a darn thing for me to not just assume i'm thoughtful.
to always know that it is always something to pay attention to.
in some of the hardest ways -
in times when we're distracted,
or we're assuming and we don't even know we're doin' it!

maybe it's just a forever practice in being fully present.
towards ourselves and those around us.

yeah, i guess it is.
whew.
think there was a lot more in that 'be present now' kinda thinking
than i knew......it really does seem to cover everything!

my very own affirmation

i was having an argument in my head.
about the way i choose to live.
the heart part was arguing one way,
the practical part was arguing against that way.

i parked my car,
and as i closed the door, the practical part thought it was getting
the last word and shot out one of those finishing biting sentences.

but the heart part wouldn't let that be the last word,
and answered - but with obvious doubts wavering the conviction,
it came out....but not as strong as it had started.

and as i noticed that,
i looked up.
kinda at an angle at first,
just looking at the sky.
it's the perfect place to get a really good look at the sky,
and i like to catch a view when i park there.
the clouds were so breathtaking that my neck kept bending
and my head kept tilting
and in a moment, i was looking straight up above me.

and i whispered out loud 'ohmygosh, look at that.'

straight over my head,
was a rainbow.
there was no rain.
there was no reason.
and it wasn't your typical rainbow.
it was more like a straight section of a rainbow
just hanging out straight above me.

'there's your answer,' i told my heart.
'there's your affirmation.'

i stood there soaking it in.

and it occurred to me that i could very well be the only person
on the planet who sees this right now.
it wasn't in your obvious spot.
you had to be looking straight up to see it.
i thought there might be a kid somewhere laying on their back
in the grass who's found it too.
but there couldn't be too many of us.
and it was ours.
to do with as we pleased.

i tucked it into my heart,
giving that voice inside there a little extra confidence.

and i thought about it all weekend.

i thought about it as i watched someone's issues twist them in such a way
that they could only see goodness as a threat,
i thought about it when i watched some inner needs get band aides from
outer sources, when what they really needed was inner tending from inner sources.
i thought about it when i listened to someone deciding to choose to
offer kindness and respect when it would have been so easy to just be dismissive,
i thought about it thru the reaching past hurt, thru the conscious thought given
to priorities, and to the choosing of what to say and what not to say.

i watched the mix of good choices, bad choices, choices made without even
knowing the reasons....i watched all around me....and i thought of what my heart
had been saying of how it wanted to live.

that little piece of rainbow stayed with me all weekend.
and my heart watched, and nodded, and knew.
it knows how to live.
it knows how to really experience what matters.
it's me that needs to listen.
it's me that needs to trust.

weekend thought...

i keep thinking about who we are being the gift.
and how i really need to offer that.
even when i want to hide it.

that's been on my mind.
a lot.

i wrote something last nite and i guess
that's what i want to post today.
it's kinda like the thought for the weekend -


you are the gift.
who you are is the gift you bring.
don't hide it,
or fake it.
if you choose to show up,
be authentic.
for why else would you bother?

more on listening

one of my favorite things about my relationship with my partner
is that i have had to learn to open up my mind and listen.

i mean....i've REALLY had to learn this.
and i know i still have a long way to go because in just talking about this with
him last nite, one of his points went right by me and i was brought back to listening
when he said 'you missed it.'

you missed it terri.

oh for pete's sake - i stopped listening in a conversation about listening!

i kid you not.

grin.

that's actually good.
cause it keeps me on my toes.
and certainly keeps me from thinking i have this all down.

but i know i'm learning because something amazing is happening -
my world has been opening up like it just couldn't in any other way.
i'm putting down tidy little beliefs i carry around and i'm hearing outside
those limits, and i'm learning things i never made room for before.

i wish i could find a way to articulate this.
i'm 53.
i always thought i was a good listener.
my friends would tell you so.
i think.
i tried to listen to my kids growin' up.
all that.
it's not a new concept.

but now.....with the effort i've been really putting in to make my
relationship good - and this has been goin' on for a lotta years -
i'm aware of it in a deeper way.
and i think because we have such differences, and i can see now, after
a long time together, and a lotta work on hearing each other, i can see
how that's changing both of us.
for the better.
without us even trying to change each other.
we're just naturally growing because we're working on listening,
well, i feel like it's a whole new thing i'm learning.

and i think now i'm seeing results and i find it so exciting.

a whole lot of beliefs and ways of thinking we carry around
really are kinda there just to keep us safe. secure. keep our world manageable.
we forget that they can limit us big time. we forget how much we can grow
if we just put them down for a bit and be open.

we assume so much.
and there's a lotta reasons for those assumptions.
sometimes the topic of conversation is a hot topic.
sometimes we have issues about the topic and that filters everything more than we know.
sometimes just our communication skills go awry and we assume things that aren't there.
sometimes we're not healed in a certain area, and our woundedness keeps us from seeing.
sometimes it's a mixture of all of that and more.
and my gosh, it hinders things so much more than we know.

i know that when i think i have the answers,
there's a certain arrogance about it.
i know the deal, and if you don't agree, you're wrong.

well, yeah, that sucks.
and limits a whole lot.
and certainly has nothing open about it.

but none of us thinks of ourselves as arrogant.
i don't.
but those moments when we let those assumptions run us,
well, there IS arrogance there.
or blindness.
or something i don't want.

how many times do we actually want to listen to another's thoughts
to reach new and different conclusions?

how many times do we go into a conversation wanting to learn something?

how many times do we want to truly grow and change?

i'm thinking not enough.
for me, anyway.
and i want to keep workin' on this.

a birthday toast

it's my son's birthday today.
and i've been really holding it close to my heart.
started last nite.
remembering.
all that stuff that moms remember.
and the birth stuff you can never forget.
i felt it so strongly i was amazed.
i could almost smell the new born smells again.

while i don't want to do it all over again,
there is an ache there.
i'm not sure for what -
maybe just wanting to touch those times here and there,
maybe for just wanting to have everything all at once,
maybe just for the complete and total gratitude for having it at all.

i keep thinking about the journey we had together.
and how we both grew up.

i posted a picture on facebook of the two of us.
it so caught what i'm feeling today.
i want to post it here too,
but i'm trying to respect the rights of my family.
i think sometimes they all find it hard to have a writer in their midst.
and so i will just keep it where i posted it and leave it at that.

but the feel that i got from the picture,
and i guess maybe it's because it's me looking at it right now
and i'm filled with this feeling -
was one of the journey ahead.

i looked at the both of us and how young we both were.
and how much there was ahead of us to learn.
both of us.
usually i just see the kid that way, ya know?
but today, more than any other son's birthday that i can remember,
i'm holding that young mom in my heart as well.

who knew where life would bring us...
where we would bring life...
and on and on it goes.
and how lucky we are for that.
too fast most times, but so precious all times.

i feel like it's in front of my face today -
the journey, the gift, the love.

how cool to hold all that and honor such a special day.
toastin' my son!
toastin' life!

untangling and showing up......

a friend was helping me out with something i was struggling with -

and the bottom line message of their help was this -

who we are is our gift.

when we offer ourselves, we're offering our gift.

when we shut down, close up, try to act differently,

we're not offering the gift of who we are.

and everyone loses.

including ourselves.

sigh.

you can't really argue that, can ya?

at least i couldn't.

i guess the arguments are around that -

like who you choose to offer that gift to,

or when you choose to stop offering it.

i wanted to include 'or the fact that the other person isn't offering

their gift.' - but i can't include that. 

cause we really can't look at that.

that part isn't ours.

we can only look at what is our own.

what motivates us to offer it in the first place?

for me, that's a great question.

am i looking to get back?

am i looking to have that gift treasured?

am i looking for the others involved to offer the same?

am i doing it because i want to be me in all interactions?

are there times i just don't want to bother?

what makes for those times?

i think all good stuff to look at and wonder about with our interactions.

we can't hide who we are.

or yeah, i guess we can.

but it depends on what the ultimate goal is.

and i guess one of my ultimates certainly whirls around authenticity.

sigh.

so while i think it would be way easier to just run and hide a whole lotta times,

or yeah - show up and hide -

that's a big one, huh?

show up and pretend and fake who i am -

i don't want to do that.

i had a life time of that.

i don't want to do that anymore.

and so, if i choose to show up, it's me i gotta offer.

whew.

thank goodness for friends who help us untangle and get back in 

the ring of life......

my moment

in playing the 'moment' game over on facebook
(where we try to pay attention to the moments during the weekend
and grab some time just for ourselves somehow and then share one
special one.....)
i had one heck of an awesome moment this weekend.
actually, i had a bunch - but this is the one that just made such an impact.

while waiting for my guy to get something at the store,
i saw a stethoscope. a cheapie one.
one that'd be no big deal to buy.
and one i could hear my heart with!

how fun!
so i grabbed it and got it.
i got myself a treat.

and that nite, when i climbed into bed and all was quiet,
i took my stethoscope out and listened to my heart.

(of course, i had listened in the car right after i got it,
and listened to my guys' as well........but this was different.....
this was the quiet moment all alone......)

so there i was, laying in the dark, all lone, listening.
and i was in awe.
and i thought of how my heart just kept beating away so faithfully
and workin' away steadily for me.

and in that moment -
more than any other moment in my entire life -
i became friends with my body.

this needed to happen badly.
it wasn't planned.
it hadn't even crossed my mind.

but there it happened.
and ever since that moment, i've been listening to my body in a completely different way.

and last nite, again, i tuned in with my stethoscope and listened again.
i want to make this a nightly ritual.
somehow it just brings home what a magnificent thing my body is.

and i have so forgotten that.
and am loving finding that.

who knew?
a stethoscope could affect so much!

smiling......

i had the most wonderful interaction today with a new shop owner i'll be working with.
i can tell already that we're gonna be a great team.
she wrote and asked a question about how things work,
i answered from my heart with willingness to work with her in any way i could.
and she replied with the same spirit.

you wouldn't think that would be that unusual,
but to get it back to the beautiful degree i got it today,
it is unusual - and - well, it just made my heart swell with happiness.

bone sigh arts is a business, yes.
i need/want it to support myself, yes.
but it's so much more than that.
i love what i do.
i believe in what i do.
and working with heart is completely part of it.

it's not always easy to do.
and my gosh, tons of people offer up tons of challenges to that path...
and when someone comes along and says they feel the same,
and they want to dance the journey with you -
well, it's a darn treat.

she enclosed a steve jobs quote with one of her emails,
and i knew that here is someone i can dance with.
it's made my whole day happy.

wanted to post the quote here for everyone as they go into their weekend.

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy. How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels? While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”     - Steve Jobs

kinda like fishing.....

the other day i was spending some time just tryin' to figure out who
the heck i was. i'm assuming that's a natural part of the process for
a 53 year old female who's on her own and learning about life.

i figure it's just part of the journey.
and a cool one at that.

i was tryin' to think of the things that make me happy.
isn't that a great thing to ask yourself ??
what makes you happy?
(go ahead, ask yourself!)

that was fun to come up with those.
i'm still thinking too.

so i was just kinda probing around and gettin' a feel for myself.

but as far as WHO i am....that gets trickier......
i wasn't at that deep deep level of who is it that's doing the thinking,
or who is it that feels this way?
you know that really deep level......
i wasn't goin' that deep.
it was a couple layers up from that.
so you wouldn't think it would be that hard.
but  i didn't come up with a lot.
i tried to leave a space open for some answers tho.
figured things may come as i move along with life.

and, sure enough,  i got one this morning as i mowed.
(it's kinda like fishing - you just gotta wait sometimes.....
and then - I GOT ONE!)

here it is -

i am someone who is determined to live a healthy life with healthy relationships.
and that isn't going to come easily.
it's gonna be work.
and i am someone who is willing to put in the work to make that happen,
or to leave behind what i need to leave to make that happen.

what's cool here is the claiming of it.

'i am someone who' - that part.

it's not 'i would LIKE to have healthy relationships.'

that's different. that's not really honestly grabbing it.
it's half way.
liking to have it and making it happen are two different things.

and what's cool is i could claim it in the way i did because i know i work at this.
if anyone ever looks at my loving relationships and think i have it easy,
they have no idea the amount of work it's taken (and continues to take) to make that happen.
and i know that.

i actually KNOW that.

this is a big deal for me -

it's owning something strong about me that i like.
which isn't something i do very often.

so as i mowed i was like 'hey, that's kinda cool. i like that. yeah. yeah. that's me.'

i find it difficult to see myself.
and when i do see something, it's usually something i feel is a bit flawed or weak
or needs work. i want to start seeing ALL of me. and i'm amazed at how difficult
that can be.

the thing is..........i wanted to say it out loud here. to kinda prove it to myself that
i believe it. and now....i'm done with that. i can just know that's part of me and
find more parts.

i want to get to really KNOW me so that if something happens to rock my world,
i at least know my own truths, ya know? sometimes that's all we got. so maybe
i should know what they are!

the planetary jam!

it's here!
josh's planetary jam!

and i had to share!
guaranteed to put a smile on your face!

come on over and check it out!

a tea break

i sat by the window,
laptop open,
warm tea sending up tiny smoke signals.

there was a breeze blowin on the other side of the window.
it seemed to be delighting the leaves in the trees and the long purple flowers
that i think are lavender.
one row of plants with long leg like leaves caught the breeze and
i swear they started doin' the can-can.
i smiled as i watched.

the talking nearby never wavered.
they  had pulled two tables together and settled in.
the only female looked bored. wandered around a bit extra
when she got up to refill her coffee, busied herself putting on her makeup.
i heard talk of the water – crabs and rock fish, and the politics imvolved in
the management of such things.
for a brief moment i thought of tuning in,
learning something to impress my man.
i pictured throwin' out some random fact about the water men
and their struggle with the ins and outs of rock fish.
i pictured his surprised face and my sly smile.
it was a fleeting moment,
the talk couldn't keep my attention.
i started to wish i wore makeup and had some to concentrate on like
the woman did. i understood why she was so involved with her lipstick.
having no mascara to pull out and having lost attention in the rock fish,
i turned to my own thoughts.

i was at it again -
trying to figure out who i really was.
i got up to refill my tea and bumped into that very same bored makeup woman.
she was refilling her coffee again and just wandering around.
we said hello and started chatting.

she'll be 80 years old next month, from japan, and heading back for a visit soon.
she lost a lot of her family last year and spoke sadly of that.
but it was when she mentioned  losing her father when he was 40 that her eyes teared up.
she talked of how he took her everywhere with him.
and how special he made her feel.
and how she missed him.
he died when he was 40.
she's 80 now.
and still the tears.

i walked back to my little table,
sipped on my tea and wondered.
who are we?
do we grow and change and become more?
or are we always the same ol' mix of things we carry forever?
or are we both?

do we always long for the things and the people that make us feel special?
do we ever really believe that we are special just the way we are and that even when those
who made us feel that way are gone, do we still feel it and know it?

do any of us ever really see ourselves and love what they see?
and does anyone really hold the idea that they are a sacred vessel
loaded to the brim with stars?

i finished my tea and headed home wondering.

choice

as i did my work this morning, the topic of 'choices' was on my mind.
the idea of being aware of what we're choosing and
understanding when something isn't healthy and the pull some of those
things can have for us, and what we decide to choose when the unhealthy is tuggin'.

why do we make the choices we do?
what gives us the strength to make the hard healthy choices sometimes,
and what is going on when we don't?

all that was whirling around inside me with not many clear answers.

i walked thru my living room and glanced down at my
'angelic messenger cards' (meredith young-sowers)
and stopped mid-stride.
okay.
what the heck.
i changed direction.
sat down on my couch.

grabbing the deck, i shuffled and thought about choices.
'give me SOMETHING about choices, okay?' i asked the air.

i grabbed a card.

and yes.
you guessed it.
and no,
i'm not kidding.
the card's title was 'choice.'

'are you kiddin' me?!' i said out loud.
and then shook my head.
why would i ever even doubt this stuff??

and i grabbed the book, and looked up the meaning of the card.
looking for something to help me sort.

this is the part i really liked and wanted to share -

'When making a choice, it isn't just which option you choose,
it is the quality, intention, and commitment from which you choose
that course of action that tells you whether or not your spirit is
engaged in the decision.'

i like that a lot. it makes you really think about what you're doin'.

she goes on to give examples - 'You are not asked to choose between
celibacy and sexuality but to create relationships that support mutual
giving and receiving of love. You are not asked to choose between
eco-spirituality and eco-destruction but rather to establish an honorable
means of balancing all needs for life.'.......

i liked the way she put that.

i thought of some of my own choices.
if i stop long enough and think about things this way,
the choices become clear.
maybe not easy, but clear.

the thing is -
how often do i stop long enough to consider?

not often enough.
and i'm inspired to do more stopping and considering.

this of course is aimed at people who want to be a certain way.
want to be, what i see in my eyes as healthy.

that too is a choice.
someone may not choose to look at things like this.
and that would change everything.

maybe that's something we gotta start with first.
what is healthy for ourselves, and how committed are we to creating it?

veils falling, doors opening......

it's one of those weird days.
where some kinda veil has dropped off and i'm seeing a little clearer for the day.
i know the veils go back on. but for today, i'm really loving it.

i feel like it's one of the veils of impatience.
(other veils of different kinds of impatience are still there.
i know that cause i've felt them!)

but this one....kinda opens the door to tolerance.
seeing it.
allowing it.
and seeing the room tolerance creates.
and the beauty it encourages.

i was noticing it big time and enjoying it.
and then the message really got hit home to me when i was
walkin' to my car in the grocery store parking lot.

a woman parked next to me,
got out,
and said 'do you remember me?'

i looked at her and smiled.
'did you used to visit me at my house?'

she did indeed.

she's a jehovah's witness and would come do her thang now and again.

i knew i didn't share the same beliefs,
but i figured maybe a bible verse would be just what i needed to hear,
so i'd listen.

i kinda thought at the time that's what i was opening the door to -
the possible messages for me that day in the words they shared.
never really seemed to work, but i'd do it anyway.

today, i realized what i had done was much bigger than that.
i had opened a space in my world for more love.
made my world warmer.
a warmth that continued to that very moment in the parking lot.
years later.

as we stood there, she told me that my sons now lived in her neighborhood.
that her son had recognized them.
he used to come visit with her.

i remembered her mom had passed and asked her about that.
it gave her a chance to talk about her mom a bit.
her tears welled up in her eyes.
i asked her how long it'd been.
two years.
'oh, that's not long.' i said.
and she nodded 'it's not long at all.'

we hugged when we left.

as i drove away i realized that tolerance opens doors.
in ways we don't even know.
and it makes our lives bigger, warmer, better.

it's something i'm seeing so clearly today.

and it's something i'm just now thinking maybe we need to turn
towards ourselves.

tolerance of ourselves.
for when we stumble, fall, goof up, or whatever we feel like we do.

there's a lot to this.
and it's on my mind today.

there's a million doors every day that can open to tolerance -
to ourselves, strangers, and to those closest to us.

i want to open more and more and more of them.

mostly quiet

it's 9/11
it's one of those days that i just don't feel right sayin' a lot.
one of those days so many memories come back to everyone.

what's left to say?

i was thinking about love today.
how i wish i could rebrand it a bit.
so it doesn't sound like an overused word that's wimpy.

i wish i could type it in a way that just made it stood out as the most powerful force that it is.

but i'm stumped on that.

that's what i'm holding today tho.
with all my heart.

love.

the real deep strong stuff that will change the world.

holding it.
believing in it.
and trying hard to become it.

lovin' margy.....

i am the luckiest person in the world.
i get to meet so many amazingly beautiful people thru bone sigh arts.
and what i get from those connections just matters so darn much.
it truly has changed my life.
and keeps adding so much to my days.

margy is someone i met thru the computer and loved instantly.
she's one of the 'special ones.'
well, yesterday, i got a package in the mail from her.

she had made me something and hoped to give it to me in person some time ago.
but the meet up didn't work out,
and so she decided to send it to me.
but it took her awhile.
she prolly thought she was procrastinating....
but i'm thinking not....

i gotta believe there's something to the timing of the universe.
cause i don't think there could have been a more perfect day for this to arrive.
i think i treasure it even more because of the timing.

it's no secret i've been struggling with the dark.
and i'm just now coming back to the light and really reaching for the
light people offer. and then......bam.......in comes this gift which is
NOTHING BUT LIGHT!

she made it herself. a beautiful mosaic light.
two mosaic sides - a candle on one side and a sun/star on the other.
i have it on this very moment while i'm holding a friend in my thoughts this morning.
and it TWINKLES inside as well!

i stood there and held it and cried.

there in my hands was living proof of the light i've been so desperately
trying to believe in. i was standing there holding kindness and generosity
and talent and creativity and love and sooooo much light.

margy knows darkness.
i knew that.
and i thought about that.
maybe you really have to know darkness to really offer light.

we need them both, ter.
i nodded to myself.
and held that light so gently.

i'm gonna use it all the time.
and it's going to be my reminder -
it's there, ter. the light is there.
'we are indeed each other's candles.'

lovin' margy....with tears in my eyes.....

sharing....

i was stuck for awhile.
i knew it was bad when my guy had to sit with me
and list the good that was in the world.
when we get to that point, we're in emergency mode.

i've been coming out of it and feeling stronger and
feelin' and seein' more light.

and then i just saw this on facebook.

he went on and on and on with all the things i've been
on overload with..........and then he talked about love.
this young black guy.
he was perfect.

i cried.

and i wanted to share everywhere.

check it out.

a moment

i'm rarely ever aware of it -
this pack i carry on my shoulders.
this invisible pack that's filled with stuff that i don't even realize is in there.
that darn thing that weighs me down constantly that i've gotten so used to,
the familiarity makes me forget the weight.

do we all carry one of those?
maybe so.
don't know.

i'd tell ya no, i don't carry one, if you asked me on just about any day.

but every now and then the weight changes, and i know it's there.
sometimes heavier, sometimes lighter.

my pack lightened the other nite while i was brushing my teeth.
so much so, that i noticed and stopped to try to figure out what had just happened.
it took awhile to figure out that it was the invisible pack. that thing really stays
out of my sight with the most amazing skill.

i had made plans to go back to the old neighborhood where my oldest son spent
the first six years of his life. we were gonna take a quick spin down memory lane.
so i got to thinking about 'back then.' and as i brushed my teeth, i realized i was only
two years older than my son is now when we moved away from that town.

wow.
somehow that clicked something inside of me,
and i saw how young i was.
and i thought about how young i was when i got married,
and how young i was when i was a mom of small kids.
just how young i was when i was trying to raise other human beings
to be all they could be. trying to be married and a good wife and a good mom
and a good person. how young i was trying to navigate a lot of life.

and when i realized that, this warm, strong, powerful, soothing wave
washed right over me. it was filled with compassion, understanding, and love.

and i understood that for where i was at, i did pretty darn good.
i didn't just THINK it. i UNDERSTOOD it.

and that wave and that understanding knocked out some big ol' hunk
of judgmental rock that had been in my pack telling me heavy,
negative, non-forgiving things for a long long time.

and the weight shift made me lean into the sink and hold the side of it
while my eyes teared up.

apparently the weight isn't just heavy on my shoulders,
but heavy on my heart and spirit as well.

and my entire being longs for the lighter pack.
and i don't even realize it.

what else is in the pack?
what else am i carrying that can shift and drop away and free me up?
and how do i find it in that ever elusive pack?

self compassion, self understanding, self awareness -
um-
self love.
that's it, huh?

self love.

by golly, yet another reason to work on that!

a little help from viktor...

so it's kinda an odd combination goin' on over here.
a day i vowed to laugh a lot - cause i wanted/needed laughter.
and the same day i pulled viktor frankl's 'man's search for meaning'
off my book shelf.

i had to step back from the world last week.
and here and there i timidly try to step back in.
but not much.
not long.
not really.

i'm not ready yet.

so i found my hand reaching for that book,
and i nodded.

yeah.
help me out, viktor.

and he did.

i browsed all the pages i had dog-eared
and the underlines and the paragraphs with stars near them...
and i soaked in what he had to say.

it turns out i'd really have to type long passages out to share,
so i think i'm just gonna say the one thing that hit me the most -
kinda just put it in my own words and how it applies to me now -

there is a ton of suffering.
and it's important to face up to it.
to not minimize it or to try to make it look better than it is.
it is something to 'go thru' - because it's that journey thru that
matters a lot....in the journey you find meaning and courage,
and wisdom.

and that tears were okay. that we shouldn't dwell there, but that
they were good and they 'bore witness that a man had the greatest
of courage, the courage to suffer.'

i think too, they show compassion. and that in itself matters.

his words reminded me that it is indeed a journey.
and it's our choice if we find meaning to our journey or not.
and as it turns out, finding meaning seems to help you survive.

all of which i kinda needed to read this morning.
and now i feel like i can let the playfulness really take hold of me,
while this stuff simmers on the backburners of my mind.

thanking steven and thinking about what he said...

it was the coolest experience all the way around.
i just plopped myself down yesterday and asked a question here that was on my mind.

why not just ask? maybe someone 'out there' knows.

the question was -

does anyone have any ideas on getting beliefs to go from the head to the heart?

and steven came thru with an answer.

(and just to be clear, at this point no one else has. altho the beautiful diane
is poppin' it in her prayers, which always means a ton to me.
so if after this posting someone else comes thru with another great
insight, i'm not ignoring you. i just haven't seen you yet!)

i don't know steven. as far as i know, we've never interacted.
and there he was with this delicious answer.

i'm not sure. is it okay to post it right here?
haven't asked him. so maybe i'll just point you to the comments on the blog below.
seems like the same thing, but maybe that's more delicate?

go check that out. then you'll know what i'm talkin' about.

anyway......
i was out runnin' around doin' some things.
and i was early for my next stop.
so i sat in the parking lot checking email.
and i saw his response.
i read it three times.

i couldn't believe it.
how could i ask a question i had no idea of the answer,
and some stranger just come and hand it to me?
it was awesome.

the gist?

my heart already knows.

and that i believe.

i believe in my heart big time.
but yes, i don't interact with it like i should a whole lotta the times.

i started up the car thinking about this and found myself driving
with my hand over my heart just saying 'my heart already knows.'

it felt like a huge reminder to just trust myself
and to stop and listen to myself
and to put all the fear, control, desires, whatever gets in the way down-
and just listen, darn it!

it's right there inside you.
and the reason you don't think you 'have' it, terri, is because you won't
stop long enough to really allow it to come forth and show you.

that's what i got out of it.

just quiet yourself and allow.
trust yourself fully.
stop running.
drop the fear.
all fear.
just be.
and listen.
you have the most trusted place ever right inside you.
you carry it with you everywhere you go.

those kinda things ran thru my head last nite....
and are still hangin' around this morning.

all from the most beautiful reminder from a total stranger.

how cool is that?!

thank you, steven.
i'm toasting you and my heart today!

a question for you.

okay you guys.
i've got a question for you.

does anyone have any ideas on getting beliefs to go from the head to the heart?

how do you get something you know in your head to stay in your heart?

if someone has the answer to this, my life is changed.

anyone?

a gift to ourselves.....

looking thru an old journal of mine this morning,
i found a part where i was pondering on giving ourselves the gift of our full presence.

i think often of trying to give that to those i love in my life,
and i find that a challenge.
but one that's on my mind a lot.
and one i can do when i'm being aware.

but turn that idea to myself,
and i find that keeping that in mind just keeps slipping thru my fingers.
so i don't even get to the part of scolding myself for not doing it,
because i don't even remember it!

but i read it today and i remembered.
and i want to do that with myself this week.
that means i have to remember this more than an hour.......
so i've written myself a note.

i thought about the things i love today,
things i love to do, things that make me smile and tingle
and make me feel glad to have my life.

i want to snuggle in and grab those.
turn off some outside noise
and just be with myself.
with my full presence.

and like, maybe get the hang of this so it can become a habit?

one can try......

labor day

happy labor day!

and do you know what the story is with labor day?
i just figured we were celebrating workers.
i didn't realize it went back to the history of the unions.
so thought i'd share a link that tells ya about our holiday today.

in thinking about where we've been, and how we are now,
i wonder where it's all gonna lead.....

how often do we remember to buy locally, or just made in america?
how often do we pay attention to sweatshop free?
and when we do pay attention to sweatshop free, do we realize there's more?
one of the big clothing companies that proudly announces
made in america/sweatshop free also prohibits unions for its employees.
is that something we should care about?
i think so.

ahhhhh so many angles to it all.

it's our thinking about it,our choices, our paying attention that is our power.

great day to pop that in our minds.

here's a little blip on labor day.