a process

so i noticed the anger.
i'm not usually that angry of a person.
but it was there.
so much so that i got to wondering -
for pete's sakes, maybe i'm just plain ol' grieving and this is part of the process.

i was kinda hoping 'denial' would be the next phase so i could just forget about it all.

i don't know how it works.....
maybe if it's grief, but not grief over someone really really close,
but still grief....maybe the stages move along faster?
or all over the place more?

whatever it was,
that nite, i found myself crying as i cooked.
the crying got goin' pretty good.
i'd say there was a little sobbing in there.

all while i cooked in the kitchen.

and i gotta say,
it felt so darn right and good and needed.
it's been a long time since i cried like that.
and never before while i cooked.

and i realized there was a great thing about living alone -
you didn't have to 'hold up' for anyone.
you didn't have to 'be okay' for anyone.
you could just fall apart.
even when you cooked.

the drawback is there's no one there holding you
telling you it'll be okay.
but that worked out right,
cause i prolly woulda slugged anyone who said that.
the anger was still close enough around that it could be riled up.

so i fell apart on my own.
all the while somehow realizing that i was going thru a process.
and somehow realizing that i needed to give myself some space to do so.

i wish we talked about this stuff more.
i wish our melt downs were allowed more than they are.
so i thought i'd bring mine here.

sometimes i'm sure i wouldn't ever want to be god.
that i wouldn't change things, that they're right the way they are.
and then sometimes i'm sure that god goofed up on a few things
and i would change them if i could.

i cried about that.
about being helpless and watching pain and sorrow.
and somewhere i know....that being helpless is part of the deal.
and that if i let it, it'll grow me.

i'm not angry about it today.
and i'm not crying about it today.
i'm sad, but feel kinda open.
feel open to a process that has some sorta wisdom to it,
and open to following it.

a fun thought

i found this quote from aristotle today -

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit”

it's the first sentence that really gets me.

we are what we repeatedly do.

wow, that's something to think about, isn't it?!

and then, the second sentence!

i've been workin' on breakin' some old habits of mine lately.

but after reading this, i got to thinking,

maybe what i'm really working on is making new habits.

same thing, different twist.

and i like the different twist.

and this thought fits right in.

maybe i should think of it as building excellence.

my own excellence.

ha!

what a thought!

  

bottom lines

i wrote today.
it wasn't easy stuff.
wasn't nice.
wasn't pretty.

i wrote about someone's life and what i had watched for over twenty years.
i needed to sit with it and get it out.
it's not something i can share here.
but there's a bottom line i can share -

don't waste it.
your life.
don't waste it.

don't spend your time on resentment
and things that don't matter.
open your eyes to the beauty of those around you
and all that they offer if you let them.

yeah, yeah, you nod and get ready to move on to the next thing.

i encourage you to stop for a second and think about it.
i'm betting every single one of us wastes time in resentment,
and doesn't see all the beauty that is around us.
or really appreciate the simple offerings of those nearby.
or we do things because we feel obligated, then resent whoever we've done the things for.
or grumble cause someone wasn't giving us enough of whatever.

that stuff catches up to us, i think.

i have this theory that who we are, what we focus on, and how we've tried to live
all comes out when we're old. it forms what we look like and our very presence.
i think it's always there at any age, but by the time you get old, it's become such
a part of you, it's written all over you.

it's written all over your very face.

and what do you want your face to look like?

nudge

it's been a full day.
and it's only half way done.

i've watched several people as their dysfunctions leaked out,
quickly stepping outta the way of the toxic flow,
helped a stranger who seemed to have some big personal issues
yet seemed touched by the kindness offered,
cried over the loss of someone's independence and the harshness of getting old,
reached a little but further to let someone know they mattered,
and added a lotta numbers.
not to mention the walk in the snow this morning.

it's full, isn't it?
this whole living life thing.
it's so darn full.

and then it's over.

so i'm thinking -

this fullness is what we get.
mix in our own dysfunctions,
other's dysfunctions,
and our reactions to it all........

and it's a lot to manage.

it's a lot to manage.
let alone truly live and honor who we are.

but it's up to us.
we've got today.
it's all we know for sure.
no.
we don't even know that.
we've got this moment.

and i want to do more than get thru it,
more than manage it,
more than occupy it.

i want to live it.
honor it.
honor me.

it's my choice.
and today keeps nudging me to remember that.

i have been feeling the fingertips of god lately.
and yes, i am feeling very grateful.

so to honor that, i wanted to share this bone sigh -

“my eyes close and i can feel it -
pulling my soul back to where it longs to be.
i can hear it -
over and over telling me to open to it.
still the fear tugs -
until the struggle becomes too much.
and then, once again, i release into it.
falling,
falling,
i brush the fingertips of god.”

http://www.bonesigharts.com/store/falling

fumbling, but trying.....

so i'm thinking about gratitude and love
and what they are and where they lead and how they're connected.

it occurs to me that if you can feel both in the ick,
then you're doin' something right.

then i have a conversation which i hear myself say very convincingly
that you have to be okay with not being okay. that it's all part of the process.

and then - on purpose - intentionally, i go face some ick.
i tried so hard to find the beautiful moments in the ick
and notice them, hold them, shine light on them.
i really tried.
and i did it.
somewhat anyway.

i could feel myself squirming at times.
i could feel the smile on my face and wondered if it looked as pained as i felt,
and i tried really hard to stay present.

and then i walked home, arms crossed around myself, holding my jacket tight,
fighting back the tears.

i thought of someone on facebook yesterday saying things can just suck.
this is one of 'em, i thought.
this just plain and simple sucks.

i busied myself with work.
not wanting to talk to anyone or have anyone ask how it went.
i just wanted to work.

and then i thought of the gratitude.
could i be grateful for anything here?
and i found something.
and i held on to it tight.

i'm pretty sure i'm not sposed to do that.
i'm pretty sure i'm sposed to just fill with it and be with it.
not hang on to it like a lifeline,
but what can i say?
enlightenment is still lifetimes away for me.

it was a moment......of eyes meeting eyes.
one set not comprehending what the other set was looking for.
but still - they weren't angry.
they weren't empty.
or well......not totally empty.

and i got a chance to tell her i loved her.
knowing full well it was for my benefit i was saying it,
but i said it anyway.

finding gratitude and love in this situation......
i guess i can find moments. totally can find the love moments easily.
workin' hard on the gratitude moments.

and knowing i got a long long way to go before i really get this whole
accepting life thing down, and being light even when it feels way way hard.......

but so grateful i get a chance to try.

david's writing

i met david years ago over the internet.
i read some of his writing and just instantly loved him.
we've since become friends and of course, stay in touch on facebook.
what would we do without facebook?!
david is definitely a kindred spirit.
and one of the most beautiful men i have ever met.

he runs a store called 'changing times' in Florida.
you can find him and his store here.

yesterday he shared a piece of his writing that i loved.
he graciously gave me his permission to share it here.

i've been thinking about it ever since i read it.
the journey, digging, fooling ourselves, digging some more,
the people who encourage us......and.......and.....and......
the many facets of gratitude.

enjoy!

David Cronin

The Miner

(To all the pit bosses out there: Thank you, thank you, thank you.)

I walked into the pit boss’s office and tossed my worn, dirt and dust encrusted pickaxe on her desk. It made a loud thump which startled her and she jerked back in her chair. Papers, diagrams and maps floated to the floor. A dramatic entrance to be sure but I wanted to make a point.

“I quit.”

She looked up at me and smiled. I have always had a flair for the dramatic.

“I’m serious. I am done. I. AM. DONE.”

Her smile faded. A sense of deep compassion rose up and flowed from her eyes, filing the room. I hated when she did that.

I slumped down in the chair in front of her desk. The tiredness weighing heavily on me. Even my toes were tired. It went all the way to my bones. Maybe I was trying too hard. Or not hard enough. You always question yourself that way.

We just sat there together, silently, for a long while. There was no need to talk, really. We both knew how this conversation was going to go. We’ve had it many times before.

Many times.

I knew it so well I could do both sides of it. I will start off with something like “I’ve mined this vein through. It’s finished. There can’t be anything else down there.”

“Are you sure?” she will ask. “Are you absolutely, positively sure?”

“Absolutely, without a doubt, promise to give up dark chocolate if I’m wrong sure!”

She will just smile.

“But have you gotten to the end?” she will ask.

“I must have.” I will say. “Yes, it was a very painful experience, really bad in fact, but I have really worked it, used all the tools you have taught me. I’ve prayed about it, practiced letting go, surrender, accepted what is, got in touch with and spoke my truth, asked Grace to help me see what they did as Grace would have me see it and not as I saw it, all those things. And I have received such wonderful gems from the work. Great insights, deeper understandings, compassion for myself and them. Heck, even some forgiveness!”

“Forgiveness has many levels to it,” she will remind me.

And then I will be quiet again. I know she is right. A deep sigh will come forth, as once again I will notice the old, weathered, hand-painted, faded sign behind her on the wall. A simple, 2-word sign, nothing fancy, a thin layer of dust from the mines covering it completely.

‘Dig Deeper’

“How do I know I haven’t already reached the end?” I will ask.

“You know.” will come the reply. “You always know when you reach the end.”

Yes, that’s true. And we both knew that even the fact I was in her office saying ’I quit’ meant I had not reached the end. Not yet anyway.

You always do know when you have reached the end of any particular soul searching. It may look different each time and for each person but here is always one main ingredient to the experience. Each time. Without fail.

Gratitude.

It may be brilliant, light-exploding gratitude or gentle, baby-sleeping soft gratitude but it is always, always there.

It is when you know, really know, not as just a mental concept but know all the way down to your marrow that it was, in fact, all Divinely inspired. That you would have never received the precious gifts and growth you now have had it not happened just that way and you had not done the work to get there. It was all a gift from everyone involved.

Gratitude, like forgiveness, has many levels. They are all worth the journey to reach them.

The silence in the room felt much lighter to me now. It was time to go. I stood up and the pit boss stood up as well. I reached down and picked up my pickaxe. It’s worn wooden handle smooth and comfortable in my hand.

I walked over to the door and as I reached for the doorknob with my other hand I turned back to her.

“See you tomorrow.” I said.

She nodded her head. And smiled.

(Editor's note: I did not actually take this photo of the pickaxe. I do have one, buried somewhere in the mess that is my garage that I was going to take a picture of, but I was unable to locate it. This photo was listed as public domain.)

feeling very honored

i got featured in a beautiful write up today.
i wanted to share.
it touched me a lot.

i am truly one heck of a lucky woman.

if you have a moment, go check out patrise's write up,
and then hang out and check out her whole blog!

turn up the music!

january 19th is prolly a little slow to come up with some kinda
new year's resolution.

thing is.....today's the first day i feel alive again - really really alive again -
after being sick a bit and just who knows what all.

and a friend lost a friend and posted about it on facebook and
reminded us all to grab life and live it and that it was truly truly so short.

all of that has got me in a 'grab it' mood.
don't waste it mood.
manage your time better, terri.
pick the things that matter to you and concentrate there.
open the doors for people you want in.
don't be so quick to open the doors for things you don't have time for.
don't kick yourself over mistakes...
learn and move forward.
grab what you love and dance with joy.

i'm filled with all that today.
and thinking my life needs tweaking!
and it's still january so i'm callin' it new years tweaking!

life is short.
are you dancing with the time you have?

turn up the music!
here comes the good part!

whew!

wow.
so the flu bug landed.
whew.
did it ever land.
landed me right on the floor in the bathroom.
suddenly those tiles that had been so cold all winter felt awfully good to my clammy face.
i think they brought me back from the darkness that was crashing in all around me.

and i think i got off lucky.
only one 'i'm gonna throw up then pass out or pass out and die' moment happened.
i think i got off easy.

it did occur to me how scary it had to be to be really going thru life threatening things all by yourself.

this was the flu and i wondered if i'd pass out, would i wake up again?
would i end up being found on my bathroom floor?
i know. drama is in my blood.

so that nite, when i was laying there not feelin so great,
i got to talkin' to my body.
i had a pretty good fever at that point, and i think that helped the conversation.
cause everything became so clear to me.
my body was my friend and i understood exactly why it was doin' what it was doin'
and how it was workin' with me. i understood why i got sick, understood what i could
get out of it, and felt really calm and centered.

yeah.
was prolly the fever.
and the drugs.

but it was really cool while it lasted.
and maybe i couldn't keep the clarity and understanding i had the nite before,
but i did keep the feeling that my body was my friend and was workin' with me.
which has been nice.

so today, when i got up rarin' to go, then got tired, took a break, then got up again
rarin' to go, and then didn't feel so good.....i remembered......my body was my friend.
and i was gonna take care of it.

so i'm gonna go lay down again. and relax and let it recover.

when i'm like this i see how much energy my life does take.
my gosh, my days are full and require a lotta zip.
i'm so lucky i have that zip most of the time.

i don't have it today.
moving a box from one room to the other tires me.
and reminds me of how energetic i am most days.

i feel grateful, wiped out, and respectful of this body of mine.
and really really empathetic to anyone struggling with long term illness,
and anyone goin' it alone.

may we all remember our body is our friend and tryin' to work with us.
and may we all practice workin' with it as well.

here's to a healthy weekend all around!

light

i had been tryin' to get to the shower.
but it just wasn't workin'.
there was an update on our website -
and a lotta glitches to work out.
(we now have SHIPPING OPTIONS! including $2.00 shipping)
when there was finally a break in the chaos,
i headed for the shower.

but not just any shower.
i've taken quite a liking to candlelight showers with music.

ohmygosh.

talk about luxury.

something i want to do this year is to pay attention to all the luxury available to me.
i don't make a lotta money. and i don't have a lotta extras.
at least, that's kinda been my thinking the last few years. until a brick landed
on my brain and i realized how incredibly luxurious i DO have it. just the
fact that i have clean water and heat is sayin' a lot. and somewhere along the line,
i figured this out. and i've been payin' attention.

that's one of the reasons i love these showers so much -
i realize how darn lucky i am when i take them.

so there i was - basking in luxury - and feelin' like the queen of the world -
hot steamy water, music that inspires me, and candles.

wow.

at one point i glanced down at the candle.
then i closed my eyes and leaned back into the hot water.
and i could just see the flame inside of me.
i could just feel the flame.

for a brief moment, i WAS the flame.

man.

it occurred to me that i was pretty darn lucky to be able to just get up from
my desk at work, and go turn into a candle flame in the shower,
and then go back to my desk.

what a life!

one of the songs i was listening to was about being the change we want to
see in the world. being the light in the dark.
shining on the darkest days.

that's so hard.
especially when they're our own darkest days.
but i keep thinking about it, and holding it in my mind.
i would so love to be able to be the light for myself even in my own dark.
but for now, i'm thanking the universe i have plenty of friends who are
filled with light and don't hesitate to shine it my way.

here's to light, to filling with it, to shining it, to offering it,
and yes......to needing it.

magnificent

it was years ago.
i was at dinner with some married friends.
and i totally put like both feet and more in my mouth.

i was away from my guy, missing him, and thinking about him.
in my mind, he was (and still is) magnificent.

i asked the husband what were some of the reasons he thought his wife was magnificent.

oh man.

there was an awkward silence.
and then he actually said something like he didn't think she was.

oh man.

it was horrible.

and yeah, she didn't think he was either.

so i tried to clean up the mess by saying maybe it was the wrong word,
or something like that.

but let me tell you, i squirmed.
and i felt terrible.
and i realized that what i felt for my guy was something to be cared for,
tended and nourished.

it has since been a topic between us.
and a key word.
and my married friends? well, they're no longer married.

so i remembered this yesterday.
and that 'magnificent' truly is the word that i want to use.
it's a great word.
and i thought about how we are all magnificent.
we really are.
but we forget, or we don't know in the first place,
or someone makes us feel differently, or maybe i should say - we LET
someone make us feel differently.

whatever the case, we forget.
i decided to make a  greeting card for bone sigh arts that says exactly this -
'you are magnificent!'

thought it'd be easy.
thought it'd be done by now.
but it's harder than i thought. and may take me awhile here.

but i wanted to blog about it while it was on my mind.

do we believe we're magnificent?
if not, why not?
do we surround ourselves with people who think so?
if not, why not?
are we living the way we want to live?
if not, why not?

we truly are magnificent.
and i wish every single one of us at least one other person in our lives
who sees that in us - AND who tells us here and there.

maybe even sends us a greeting card that says so!~

remembering him

my favorite high school teacher passed away recently.

i smile when i think of how old he got to be - 87.
which means he was my age that i am now when he was teaching me.
wow.
he seemed SO old back then.
wow.

i'm glad he had a full life.
i don't know anything about him except the little bit from our time in
a high school classroom.

he taught english.
and i learned a lot from him.
one thing i learned was 'a lot' is two words.
took me til 12th grade to get that.
kinda amazing right there.
apparently i had much to learn.

i liked him. i respected him. and i learned from him.
that's a cool thing to be able to say about someone.

on the day i graduated, he made a point of seeking out my parents.
he told them that i was - and i'm not sure of the exact word -
it was a word that made my eyes pop wide -
something delicious like  - exceptional, or extraordinary....something like that.

i remember being shocked.
he wasn't big on the compliments.
or at least, i don't remember any others.
but the whole seeking out my parents to tell them.....
well that i remember so many years later.
it mattered.

when i heard the news of his passing, i went back in my mind to the
memories i had of him. and when i got to that one, i just shook my head.
it really doesn't take a whole lot to make an impression on someone, does it?
kindness lasts thru years and years, and now, it is still here even after death.

kindness. that one extra step and that offering of kindness.
it's huge.

that's something i thought was worth stopping and thinking about.
and i thought it was a good way to honor this man.

i don't think he'd like the grammar in this blog.
in fact, i'm pretty sure he'd cross out a lot of it and call a lot of it
'garbage words.'  and he'd definitely fail me on the use - or non-use of capital letters.
but i hope he'd feel the love and know that i'm carrying him in my heart
and have been ever since he taught me that 'a lot' is two words,
and then proceeded to teach me the beauty of language.

just a little bit freaky...

i had a dream this morning.
don't remember what it was.
or what happened.
all i remember was waking up to this inner screaming inside myself.
like my inner child was yelling from the depths of her soul -
WHAT ABOUT ME?!

it was loud, riveting, haunting......and vibrated inside of me long after i woke.

i got up and took a walk.
wanted to kinda air out the echo.
see what came up.
nothing really to report.
except this pondering -
couldn't every single one of us wake up to the same scream?

and who is it that question is being asked of?
it's gotta be ourselves asking ourselves -
pay attention. attend to your needs, listen to yourself.

we cannot go outside ourselves looking for this.
it has to be our own selves that pay attention to our own selves.
and then when we do that,
we will be so much more able to help another do the same.

these were my thoughts when i landed on facebook.
and what's the first thing i saw?
a friend had posted this quote -

'we have to listen to the child we once were,
the child who still exists inside us.
that child understands magic moments.
we can stifle its cries, but we cannot silence its voice.
the child we once were is still there'
-paulo coelho

that's almost a little eerie isn't it?!
it's been a really hectic day.
haven't had much more chance to ponder.
but i'm thinking there's a little one inside me that isn't
gonna let that be the case for too long.

there's so much to explore.
and i just love that.

interesting timing

i've been thinking about life a lot.
the whole new year thing, i guess.
and maybe having had a touch of something and feeling low
and now getting my energy back.
i guess for lots of reasons.
i keep thinking about life.
and what we do with it.
and what we don't do with it.
and how sometimes we all act like we have forever and waste so much
of what we're given.

i keep thinking about all that.
and what i want.
and how committed i am to making it happen.
and what i can do differently.
all of that.

and then rilke came up in conversation.

and i remembered when i first wanted to learn about rilke.
it was when i heard his poem in the movie 'awakenings.'

so i looked it up on youtube today.
and i listened.
and i watched the scene from the movie.

and i tell ya,
if that didn't hit me like a big two by four across the face
of how lucky i am.
and how much i have to live for.
and how i really want to grab living.......

so i thought i'd share.

click here for the clip.

masters of our own gaze

ohmygosh,
i was lucky enough to attend a magic show last nite.
it was the biggest magic show i've ever been to -
and i was sure i would come home believing in magic even more than ever.

i didn't.
i came home with something even better.

two somethings.

i was quite taken, impressed and excited to watch the combination
of really hard work and out of the box creativity. what a mix to put together!
talk about inspiration to come to your work day with.

and........then........
it was called 'the illusionists'.....for good reason.
it was all illusion after illusion.

in conversation about the show on the way home i commented on how
i was continually looking in the wrong place. and we talked about how
that was deliberate.

that just like with art or a photo, your eyes can be guided to a certain place,
and so it is the same with live performance. and they were masters of
directing our gaze.

that got me thinking.
how about with life and living?

how about creating an hour...an encounter....a day...a life...filled with
directing your gaze to a certain area. how about deliberately directing
the focus of those all around you to the places you want to focus.
how about become masters of our own gaze?

i have been thinking about that for years,
but never quite in this magic show inspired way.
it's given me a new angle and new inspiration.

i love what art in all its forms can offer.
last nite i soaked in a different kind of art.
and today i feel better for it.

pondering

i read a post on facebook that captured my interest.
it was a 'dear amy' letter.
i didn't even know there was a dear amy.
maybe that's big and in every newspaper.
maybe it's just a local thing.
have no idea.

the letter to amy was pretty sad.
a person who didn't see that their own actions were rotten.
and was complaining about her sister who was being hurt by those actions.
there was a whole lot this woman was blind to.
and there wasn't much stable about the story.
wasn't much healthy.
and amy ended up blasting the writer of the letter.
telling her she was rotten.

people were in favor of the blasting.

and yeah, she did sound like the rotten sister no one would want.
i was certainly not on her side.

but the blasting.....
that's what i'm thinking about with it all.

i commented on that very thing and wondered if the blasting that amy gave
would be something the sister could hear.

i MIGHT be able to hear the message in a blasting from someone i love.
i'm not even sure.
yeah....actually......i can think of a time i was blasted from someone at work.
and they were right, had a point, and i accepted it.
it didn't feel good, but i felt like it was warranted.
and i respected their thoughts.
so okay, maybe blasting works sometimes.

but it worked on me cause i was willing to hear.
i was willing to see what i was doing wasn't cool.

what works on someone who seems to have some pretty deep problems
getting in the way? is there any point in blasting? or is that just something
amy does to feel good about herself? or is it good entertainment? or does
it all make us feel better about ourselves?

i wonder.

it makes me think how simple answers come so easy,
and may release something that we feel needs releasing.
or maybe gives us something that we feel we need to get.

but i'm wondering if it's like candy.
feels good in the moment, but not much healthy about it.

i honestly don't know.
maybe the blasting is exactly what the woman needed,
maybe she'll hear and mend her ways.

from what i know about people, i would doubt it.
but i also know, i'm continually surprised and really know so little.

what i'd really like to know is how to get thru to people who can't see,
how to have people who can't listen, hear.

wouldn't that be so awesome to know?
i'm thinking it's just not a simple answer.
but i don't even have a good alternative to offer amy.
there's just something deep inside of me -
maybe left over from my mothering days -
that says blasting anyone isn't for the benefit of the one you're blasting,
it's for a warped sense of your own benefit.
and that is something that seemed like a good thing to ponder.

alone

i got a tiny tad of a cold the last few days.
nothing serious, just enough to make me cancel all my plans and lay low.
i was sad about missing some of the plans.
i really didn't want to miss them.
but at the same time, i got something i hadn't had the whole holiday season-
time alone.

i wrote this last nite as i lay in bed.
wanted to share.

......

alone.
i needed this time alone.
doing nothing in particular.
talking to myself when i please.
laughing out loud over my own jokes.
crying quietly over my own thoughts.
taking care of myself and being gentle with myself.
just wandering in a space that is safe. that is home.
and now as i lay here all alone,
i hear the wind chimes singing in the wind.
oh, they're singing with gusto.
the ran tap dancing against my house -
with such joy even the walls feel it.
it pours down louder and heavier,
adding to the coziness i feel under my quilt.
alone.
i needed this time alone.
cause it's moments like this i remember god.
i hear god in the rain when i'm alone.
i hear god in the wind chimes.
sometimes when i'm alone, i'm the least alone i could possibly be.

a new year thought

i had a really cool dream last nite.
i'd tell it, but no one cares but me.  :)
i woke up and wrote a bone sigh from it.
i'd share, but it makes no sense.
(i just shared it on facebook anyway)

so why do i even bring it up if i'm not gonna share anything about it?

i think because it was so darn cool.
and it made me HAVE to write something in response to it when i woke up.
i just leaned over, picked up my pen and wrote something.
i don't think i can ever use what i wrote anywhere,
except somewhere deep inside of me.
and i have no idea even with that. it's just a feeling.

and THAT is what i wanted to share.

the process.
the honoring of it.
the trusting of it.
and the playing with it.

i'm so delighted i let it move me enough to write something about it.
i'm so delighted i had it in the first place.
i'm so delighted i don't understand any of this - the having of the dreams,
the meaning of the dreams, or the reactions from the dreams, but i like it anyway.

i am delighted that for a moment i felt the mystery of living
and i didn't have to do anything but be with it.

seemed like a good new year thought.