life cycles and standing in trust

the darn cycles of life and living were on my mind big time last nite.

i had been thinking of friends that came in my life and left my life.
that had been on my mind yesterday.

then last nite two different conversations i had with friends had me thinking.
when i lay down to go to sleep i remembered the phrase from clarissa's writings.......
well......she had the spanish for it and i don't remember that at all.....
but it was something for the life death life cycle.

life death life

that's what i remembered as i curled in to fall asleep.

life death life.

then this morning i saw our quote of the day -

it's called 'her circle'

'some believed in her.
others did not.
she joined the circle of believers
and rejoiced with them.'

that's a big little bone sigh.
a lotta inner work went into that one.
and it definitely holds the life death life cycle.

we gotta let things go.
we gotta let things fade away and die.
and yet, for me anyway, there's so much struggle in that.
i forget the life afterwards part.

it's hard to believe in something you've never seen.

thing is.........we may not know what's ahead........and that part
can't be seen. but the part that CAN be seen is this process,
this cycle, that happens over and over and over and over again in our lives.

i'm just starting to put that together.
where i can see a death part coming into my life and know that it's part of the process.
i'm JUST beginning to get that.

and i'm just starting to understand that where i need to step then is into trust.

a trust in the process.
and a trust in myself.

two really powerful places to stand.

on my mind...

she had come thru and ordered a bone sigh.
quietly.
no special note or response to my saying i got the order.
she was just one of the quiet ones.

as i pulled out the print, i read it.
hmmmmm.........think i need that one right now, i thought.
i found a damaged one i had laying around the studio
and tacked it up on my bulletin board.

i wrapped hers up and sent it off.

after she received it, she wrote me.

she had lost her son three years ago, and now is watching someone
she loves battle cancer. and she knows that life is a gift and that the
moments count and that we need to 'dance in the rain.'

i read her short note and was filled with her spirit.

i wrote her back.
and as i did so, i could feel the tears well up in my eyes.

i told her that what she had experienced could have made her bitter.
and the fact that she was reaching out like she was, and that she
wanted to dance in the rain showed me so much about her spirit.

and i wanted her to know i saw that.
i saw she had a beautiful spirit.

she wrote back about seeing my spirit in the package i sent her.
and that's why she wrote.

wow.
how amazing is that?
that who we are can show up just like that?
and reaching out in small emails can matter so much.

cause it so mattered to me.
when i sat down with my guy last nite, i told him about her
and said 'she was my highlight of the day.' and my eyes teared
up yet again as i told him.

i have thought of her ever since i got her note.
she's been on my mind.
and i have thought of our choices in how we choose to live.
and i've thought of that quote that she bought........

"to lose myself in the dance so much so
that love will entangle my bones in ins roots,
courage will embrace the ashes
and wisdom will understand
that it's all part of the dance.
this is mine for the taking.
i pray my hands will grasp it,
my heart will open to it,
and i will know that i am the dance."

it's up to us, isn't it?
and when i watch people dance even with the sorrow....
i am always so moved.

an early morning wander

so i felt it this morning.

fear.

it was so there with me.

it was obvious.
didn't take a lot to figure it out.

wow. yeah. there it is. big time.

fear.

okay.
okay.

so i got fear.

now what?

well......nothin', i guess.

just allow it.
and keep goin'.

and so i did.

then i got to thinking about trust.
about my journey.

about how i wanted to work with it and flow with it
and believe in it.

the whole concept of trusting the ride.
knowing there's so much ahead,
no matter what the circumstances.
each moment is mine to live.

can you hold that?
can you know that?

kinda.
i can try.
sorta.

i looked at the painting on my wall - 'trust, release, find the laughter -'

okay.
yeah.
that's good.

could still feel the fear.
that hadn't gone away.
but other things were there now.

a sense of knowing i could do something other than tremble.

went looking for a quote that would talk to me.

found this one -


TOTAL ACCEPTANCE

"It costs so much to be a full human being,
that there are very few who have the enlightenment or courage
to pay the price. One has to abandon altogether the search for security
and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. One has to embrace
the world like a lover. One has to accept pain as a condition of existence.
One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing.
One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to total acceptance
of every consequence of living and dying."

- from The Shoes of the Fisherman


and then, as i was sitting with this one,
a one liner popped into my head.

i grinned a silly grin.

of all things.

but yeah.......
it was perfect.......

'count your blessings.'

yeah.
perfect.

i'll be counting all day.

new turns...

so there's this direction that's showing itself to me.

it's been showing itself pretty clearly now for a few months.
but i'm just starting to really really put it together.

i was pretty darn terrified i wasn't up for the journey.
which all boils down to not trusting myself.

my guy spent some time explaining to me why i could trust myself.
he pointed out some things that i've done that would back up trusting myself.

oh yeah.
as he talked, i kept thinking 'oh yeah.'
'oh yeah, i did that. i can do it. i can trust me.'

but then i went right back to the fear.
apparently fear is a comfort spot for me at the moment.

altho it doesn't feel real comfortable.
i must need it somehow cause i'm hangin' on pretty tight to it.
even tho i've declared i'm in for the journey and will go where i must.

apparently i'll go shaking.

and i can't even make the direction i'm turning sound all that amazing...
but for me - it's pretty darn awesome.

i've been calling it 'loving honestly.'

loving honestly.

what the heck does that mean???

it can't be love unless it's honest, can it?

well, no.
but we trick ourselves, ya know?
or at least....i trick myself.

i'll love parts of people, but not all of them.
even tho i don't really acknowledge that to myself.
i think i'm doin' it.
i think i'm loving.
but it's not all the way.

or i'll fear parts of them...
you know...maybe tip toe around that angry part of theirs so i don't wake that up.
is that okay?
is it love if you fear parts of them?
i don't know. seems like there's stuff in there for me to figure out.

or how about not being able to watch the destructive behavior of someone you love?
how does that fit in?
is that okay?
i mean, it makes sense to me that i can't watch and shouldn't have to.
and maybe that's perfectly legitimate and fine........but how do you do that and stay
present in the love? can you stay present? or does it change? and is that change
enough to make it not love anymore?

i don't know.........i don't have any answers.........cause i'm not there yet.
but i want to be. i want to be wholly present with this stuff.

i'm starting to see more and more that how you feel about yourself totally relates
to everything i just wondered about and more. but i'm just starting to see that.
only have a tiny little glimpse of that.

i've had longer glimpses and even spots of understanding of how self love completely
relates to loving another. on one level i see it very well. i don't doubt it at all.

and i think this is all the next level stuff for me.
and i'd bet the farm that the depth and strength of self love affects these things
equally as much.

which is one heck of a big ol' thought.
cause that means the attention has to be turned to self love.
to really get good at that. to really understand it's so much more than
taking the time for a candle light bath for yourself once a week.

it's learning to listen to yourself and hear and believe in and respect and
honor and care about yourself....in every aspect of your living.  i don't even
know what all it is.....it's learning to do all that and let people in at the same time.

it's one thing to do that on your own in solitude. but do that when other people
are involved?? oh jeesh.

it's been a quest of love.
and yeah, that sounds so nice.
but it's so darn hard.

cause you have to be honest and look and see and accept and let go
and release and hold and care and be willing to be broken open over and over again.

and there's no fudging of that.

and i want to go deeper into it all.
and that's the journey i'm turning to as motherhood ends for me.
that's the turn in the road i want to follow.

i thought of that over and over yesterday as i celebrated my son's birthday.
i thought of all i had experienced with these sons of mine........and all they had
taught me..........and all that i had left to figure out on my own......

well.....maybe not on my own, huh? i've got a partner right there next to me
willing to walk the road and learn along side of me. wow. i think i'm just starting
to really understand that. it's gonna be one heck of a turn.....

celebrating!

i sat on my front stoop this morning specifically to spend some
quiet time thanking the universe for the gift of my son, noah.

it's his birthday today.

it's been quite a weekend.
filled with celebrating.

seems like each day since friday had a different flavor of that ol'
family bonding stuff. and each flavor was delightful.

and we're not done yet!

which is fitting because this guy deserves a whole lotta celebrating.

as i sat outside, looking at the sky, thanking the universe,
my gaze fell to my yard. and yeah, my eyes got misty.

i could see them.
my kids.
when they were small.

running around in that yard like puppies let loose.
i used to love to watch them run and laugh and squeal.

i pictured noah thru the stages of growin'.....and marveled at how
that tiny little guy grew into my gentle giant.

and you know what i can't figure out?
how it works.
how it is that noah came to us with such a gentle spirit?
he was born with it and he carries it today.

just as i've seen his brothers born with their spirits and how they
carry theirs into adulthood.

i wonder how that works.

i look back at noah thru the stages and marvel at how it was there
with him thru all the growing.

people who knew him when he was little comment on it.
people who have just met him now comment on it.

what a gift his spirit has been.
it's particularly moving to me this morning as i know this is his last bday
here. and i think of that spirit headin' out to the world. and how lucky
the world is to have him.

and how lucky i have been to have shared this part of the journey with him.

who knew all those years ago when he showed up how lucky we really were?
i felt pretty darn blessed when he was born.
i felt about as thrilled as thrilled can be.

and that was before i even knew him.

and now....what an honor it is to know him.

and....well.........there's just a whole lot to celebrate today.

happy birthday, noah!

more passion thinking

the passion topic keeps coming up for me. (see a few posts down)
which is great fun as i love that topic.

and the question of 'what is your passion' is not easily answered.
i get a kick out of watching people ponder it...start to answer...stop....
wrinkle their heads.......and think some more.

i remember when i first started asking and wondering for myself.
everyone told me my passion was my kids.

nah. that wasn't it.
i'd shake my head and feel like i must not be explaining myself right.

there's no question my kids are many things to me, and i'd die in an
instant to protect them. but it's different. they're not a passion.
'specially now as i learn to let go of them and learn to back off of their
lives and let them be men.

and then i remember when i first met my guy and he talked of my 'quest.'
i would just get so frustrated with that word and with him. cause i didn't like it.
i didn't like that i had something so deep inside of me that he could see and something
so strong that he called it a quest when i hadn't quite figured it out yet.

which is funny looking back on, cause a lot of our relationship is like that.
he sees things in me way before i do. and it frustrates me.

he used the word 'quest.'
i shied far away from that word and used 'passion' and spent years
trying to figure it out, when all along i was on the darn quest pursuing it.

that truly is typical terri.

i think we get thrown off thinking things like 'it's painting!' or it's 'rock climbing!'
or whatever it is we love. cause i think we have to look deeper inside that.
what is it about the painting or the rock climbing or the whatever? what is it
that's grabbed us? is it the expressing ourselves? the connecting to another power?
the losing of ourselves and finding a new energy? stuff like that??

my passion is not bone sigh arts.
altho i work way way hard at it and want it to succeed and trying to figure out
where i end and it begins doesn't seem possible.......but if god tapped me on the shoulder
and told me i needed to stop bone sigh arts, i'd stop.

but you know what i couldn't stop? is trying to figure out love and trying to step
into more of love, and trying to uncover the love inside of me, and trying to believe in
it for real and to honestly look at it.

that stuff.
that stuff i couldn't stop.

now.......we gotta be clear.......i get stopped. i get stuck. i give up. i do. but i don't
think i ever really believe it's a forever give up kinda thing. it's a frustrated, hurt,
confused kinda thing. but not forever.

and i don't have a neat little tidy phrase for it all. and i'd like one.

maybe it's this - 'to touch god.'

maybe that'd be a cool little tidy phrase.

cause i think god is that pure love inside of us that we only uncover in rare
rare rare moments. i think god is that strength we didn't know we had that comes
out in the most horrible moments where we don't think we can move......and yet
we not only move, we offer. i think god is in that sky inside us and when we fall
way way deep inside we can catch a fleeting glimpse.......

all that stuff.......i want to touch that stuff, and know i am that stuff and offer that stuff.
that's the search, the quest, the passion.

it comes out in bone sighs, it comes out with my kids, with my guy, in my struggles,
in my joys, in my solitude, in my friendships.....which is kinda awesome......cause
life turns into a vehicle for the quest.

i don't think it can really get any cooler than that.
because then i can be reminded that each moment matters.
each moment holds gold.

and all this talk about it lately in my life has me re-thinking it all.
cause yeah, i get lazy.
and sidetracked.
and bogged down.
and tired.

but then i remember.....
and i get excited all over again.

diggin' in again

okay...it hasn't been the best week.
the most telling clue was prolly that i didn't take my mustache monday picture
down til wednesday or thursday! i didn't even realize i had left it there.
usually i'm on top of the fun stuff.

turns out monday i was overdone and stressed from a hard weekend,
and i got on the treadmill to get the stress out of me. i think between
gettin' on there like a mad fool after a few days of not doin' much with
my foot except driving, i clobbered my foot pretty good. between it all,
i creamed it.

so i've been hobbling around all week when i needed to be running around.
there's been so much on my plate, and i can't do it cause i can't move.
i keep telling myself it's okay, but i don't really believe me.

i guess the last straw came last nite when a celebration trip this weekend
was talked of getting canceled because of my foot. i had suggested crutches
but they were ruled out because i'm having wrist problems.

i just got so frustrated.

this morning i woke up sulky and whiney. still hobbling.
and thinking 'THIS is why old people are so grouchy.'

and THEN i got a note from a friend warning me to be careful over on fb
as i was gearin' up to do a bone sigh giveaway and they're not allowed
over there anymore. as i was posting that, i figured out why they prolly
aren't allowed anymore......cause they're coming up with a thousand ways
to make money off of this stuff and so it looks like i'd have to 'promote'
it which would cost money.

this feeling just came and sat on top of me.

i tell ya, i was about to cry at that point..........when someone popped in
with a great idea of doing the giveaway thing over here. which i will
prolly end up doing.

the minute i read that and saw what a great idea it was,
some of the glum started to lift.

not all of it.
i'm still glum.
but i think i'm gonna sit with this (can't walk with it) and hold it a bit.
cause when she suggested the blog and the giveaway i saw how fun
that could be. i saw how it was a door that i hadn't thought of going thru.

and so.....isn't it the same with everything i'm glum about right now?
can't i use this as a chance to rethink everything?
and it IS everything because each move i make is being thought about.
well.....it's being thought about how i can best make it in the ways that
i always make it.

not how can i step in a new way in a new direction and try something different.
not that way.

i was just thinking yesterday afternoon that i want to watch the challenges
and use them to stretch myself. i seriously was thinking that.
and yet, it never occurred to me that applied to my physical challenges as well!
i can't believe how thick headed i am sometimes!

so instead of sitting here in a puddle of tears - which is really where i was heading -
i'm gonna lift my spirits and greet this challenge that has been gettin' me down all week.
and i'm gonna change my attitude.

it's a matter of trust, isn't it?
and i haven't been doin' that much this week.

sigh.
it's ALWAYS a matter of trust, isn't it?
and right back i go......diggin' in to practice once again.

passion reminders

a friend called the other day.
she was in a funk and was wondering 'where she fit.'
ahhhh......a topic i was well familiar with.

i suggested the funk might be a good thing.
that maybe her passion was tuggin' on her and wanted her to
pay attention.

and we talked about passion.

another friend, many years ago, gave me the best description of our
passion that i've ever heard.

he said 'if god came and tapped you on the shoulder and said
'if you don't stop doing this, i'm going to take everything away from you' -
passion is the thing you just couldn't stop doing.'

isn't that wonderful???
that seems so helpful to me.

what's the thing you couldn't stop doing?

it might not be something really tangible like painting.
it might be more abstract like 'searching' or 'expressing'...

i had forgotten about the conversation until i saw this morning's
quote of the day from bone sighs.

'it is not enough to find your passion...
you must dive straight into the fire of your fear -
where you can grab it and hold it
until it transforms you.'

i have been getting a kick out of the quotes showing up lately.
due to some technical thing no one needs to hear about, the
early bone sighs.......the ones right from the beginning......haven't
shown up until recently. so all the first bone sighs are now popping up.
and my gosh, they're bringing back memories.

i know exactly where this bone sigh was written and when.
i remember it clearly.
it was when i totally committed to bone sigh arts.
it's a great story for another blog.

but when i read it today, i looked at it from eyes that are at least ten
years past that bone sigh. and i stopped and i asked myself.......
are you doin' it, ter? are you letting that diving transform you?

it certainly has quite a bit.
but it shouldn't stop.
the diving and the transforming shouldn't stop.

the funks will keep coming.
we don't just conquer them and then they go away.
different ones will surface.
but i think that's a good thing.
i think those are reminders and nudges.

have we found our passion?
are we still following it?
are we still diving into our fear?
are we remembering it's the transformation we're after
and not the settling in?

good stuff for me to keep in mind this morning........

thou art that

i snuggled in with my book last nite - facing the lion, being the lion.
and as usual, there's so many little pieces i want to share.
it's hard to pick which ones!

since this is about living wholehearted and spoke so much to me,
this is the pick!

'Hard as it is at times to accept, we are each other:
as beautiful as the next and as brutal. And rightly, what's brutal
in each other engenders fear. If unaddressed, such fear can force
us to live by how different we are. In contrast, being wholehearted
can lead to the discovery of our shared human nature. In essence,
realizing we are each other - Thou Art That - helps alleviate fear....

...So here we are, two thousand years later, dusting off the misconceptions
to find that we are asked, and have always been asked, to be wholehearted
more than perfect. To free ourselves from all that holds us back. To enter
life with our hearts wide open. To embrace both our terrors and our joys.
And to honor that we are made of the same filaments of being. For this
is our best chance at quieting fear - our best chance at hearing the
almost inaudible sigh of God opening His eyes by opening ours.'

- mark nepo

snippet (3)

turned all inward on the edge of his bed,

chin to his chest,

he talked softly.

i whispered back.

i've known him for years now.

know part of his history.

know his parents put him in an orphanage.

know his parents were rough...abusive.

know he never felt loved in his family.

i knew all that.

and yet still, 

i wasn't prepared for the man in his eighties to say to me

in that little boy voice -

out of the blue -

without any prior conversation leading up to it -

'they never told me why they left me there.'

how can i hear a little boy in that old, weary, gravely voice?

i was startled.

it wasn't like he was delirious. or one of those old people so far gone

that they're just living in their childhood and all their comments come out

from living in another place in their minds.

i've heard that stuff. heard those comments.

understand them.

this was different.

clear.

lucid.

just remembering while he was sitting there.

'they never told me why they left me there.'

and i understood exactly what he meant.

'did you think it was 'cause you were bad?' i asked softly. gently.

head down, he nodded.

i shook my head in disbelief.

he couldn't see it.

just a slight shake of the head. 

a quick closing of the eyes.

a deep breath.

how can this be? i wondered.

how can we get past 80 and still think we weren't good enough to be loved?

and so we talked.

quietly we talked.

he still wasn't sure.

he figured he was just a bad kid.

i leaned in close and disagreed with him.

what about now? i asked him.

do you know now?

do you know you have value now?

he claimed to believe it because of me.

sweet words, but i know better.

you don't believe it because someone tells you.

i know that.

i've lived that.

you believe it cause you start to see it.

maybe i helped him start to see it.

but i don't really think he does.

so i don't really think so.

but he was trying to tell me my caring mattered to him.

and i got that.

and i believe that. and i hold that.

and while i appreciated it, it broke my heart at the same time.

our contact is so minimal. 

and i didn't even know him til he was old.

can it really be that this person had lived so unloved for so long?

can it really be that such small acts of love can make such a difference?

my head spins with that thought.

because i've done some pretty large acts of love and seen them flop.

seen them backfire, seen them fizzle and die.

big things......things i tried hard at. things i gave my all to.

just not seeming to matter.

and yet......here's the small things mattering so much.

you just cannot tell, can you?

you can't figure out which things are gonna help heal, and which things

are gonna get kicked aside.

you can't tell.

and gosh, isn't that part of the mystery and the faith?

you gotta just keep trying.

cause you can't tell.

what a lesson i got sitting there on the edge of that bed.

you can't quit believing in love, ter.

you gotta give it freely and let it go.

maybe it doesn't always seem to matter on the outside.

but on my inside.......i guess it always matters.

snippets (2)

we had knocked on her door.
it was a secure building - we had slipped in by the
grace of something...
she hollered that she was on the phone.
i didn't care.
i needed her now.
'it's really important' i shouted back.

finally, she stood there,

she was old and way way way shakey.
it was probably parkinsons.
her head just bobbed up and down.
her talking seemed difficult.

she had been on the phone with medicare and didn't want
to let them go. she had kept them on the phone while she answered the door.

no, she didn't have a spare key for his apartment.
she was sorry.

thanking her, we turned back down the stairs.

the calls began.
no one was around.
he was busy making calls when she came down the stairs and
stood with me.

we talked for a few minutes.
i told her i was really worried.
with her head moving up and down she turned her face to me,
and for the first time, i saw her as pretty.
it was like she trusted me and for a moment i felt like she let me in.
people's beauty shines thru in those moments.
straight faced, with a gleam in that eye and her head moving up and
down she asked me - 'want to break in?'
i looked at her and didn't hesitate - 'yeah' i answered.
she smiled, 'i know how. i have a knife.'

and up she went to get her knife.

i was worried, i was upset, i was stressed......and i was delighted in her.
i laughed when she corrected him and his attempt to get thru the lock.
'no. not like that.' and she took the knife with her shakey hands and showed
him how. it still didn't work. but it was a moment i'll never forget.

how could there be a moment where i laughed?
how could i find delight in her when i was so worried about what we'd find?

and yet i did.....
and i'm reminded of the huge huge mix that living is.

when we headed over to the window, he took the screen off.
i pushed his arm out of the way and started boosting myself into the window.
i heard him joke about all the women being cat burglars.
again, a laugh as i went crawling in to see what i would find.

nerves maybe.
laugh when you're scared.
maybe.
maybe you have to mix it all up to get thru.
maybe you can't get thru without it.

maybe it's because it's all a mix.
maybe it's because it has to be a mix or we can't make it.

whatever it is......i am holding it in wonder today.
to be able to see beauty and delight in the middle of fear and anxiety......
reminds me that life is more full than we really even notice.

snippets....

there are so many snippets running around in my head
that i will have to write them out over the next day or two.

is there a point to them?
i don't know.
maybe for me to sort.
and in my sorting maybe some stuff will be sifted out i can use.
maybe not.
all i know is this is what i'm filled with so this is what will be coming out.



i can't figure out why it made such a big impression on me that he looked
like a little creature hunched there.

but it did.
i keep repeating it.
like i need to say it.
like if i say it to the right person they'll hear what i mean
and they'll somehow say something that will make it all make sense to me.
and i hear myself say it again and again.

he's always been a small man.
but this wasn't even small.
it was almost like he was gone.
like something else had come in and traded bodies with him.
and was sitting there pretending to be him.

but it was too different.
it was a bad pretending.
it was obvious it wasn't him.

but it was.

and the gears jammed in my head.

i don't consider too many people to be homely.
i figure you can get to know anyone and they're beautiful.
he's always kinda pushed that homely edge tho.
and certain things have added to that aura.
his hands that get dark and purpley.
apparently because of frostbite he had gotten a million years ago.
the way he cocks his head and squints one eye.
things like that have added.
and now it all was topped off with a hunched up back.

the pain that just wouldn't let up, the fear of his life changing
and heading down the road to the end, and the thoughts that must have
been whirling around inside of him had him hunched on the side of the bed.
his head almost hitting the tray of food. his forehead almost laying right in
the food.

almost. but not quite.

and the first thought was that he didn't even look real.
he looked like a little creature.

what pain can do to us.
how it can change us so much so that we almost aren't there.

yeah.
maybe that's why his looking like a little creature hunched on the side of
the bed won't leave me.......

it's in my face what pain can do to us.

i have no brilliant thought about that. i have no little easy 'let's change that'
kinda thing to do.......

i just have the observation so burned into my head this morning that
i just want to sit with it right now. and i want to think of people who are there.
heads almost laying in their food, but not quite. where picking the head
up any further is such work........

i want to hold them in my heart this morning.
and wrap them in love.

and right now.......that's all i got.

smilin' from ear to ear!

ha!

look what my sons have created!
a new and improved bone sigh arts!

oh yes!

okay, apparently it's the time for friends to send really cool stuff.
i've got yet another thing to share, from my buddy dan.

dan sent this to me over on facebook. it's the part about the moon being
a reflector, and then turning that idea to our hearts.....it's that part
that may just be the gem of gems that i'll be holding for awhile.

had to share! thanks, dan!!!

a little more awareness....

a friend just told me it's National Invisible Illnesses Awareness Week.

ha! who knew?!

i have heard over and over how hard it is to have an illness that no one can see.

how isolating that feels.

this friend who told me about the week, also sent an article written to help

people understand what to say to a person dealing with this kinda thing.

thought it was totally worth sharing and wanted to post it here.

check it out if you have time!

ramblings

i can get pretty grumbly about the whole darkness/light/love stuff.
there's so much mixed in there, i'm a bit raw with it all right now,
it's way personal, it's messed with my beliefs and my whole inside system.

so i can get grumbly about it if some poor unsuspecting soul steps into
a raw spot.

it's pretty funny. and shows me how tender i am about it.

years ago i believed love always won and everything happens for a reason.
today i don't believe either.

and i guess i wish i did. i guess i miss those things.
altho, i'm not really sure i want them back.
i think i just want that confidence back.

so this whole darkness/light topic includes all that stuff and more.
and what's weird is slowly over here, a theme seems to keep coming back
over and over.......

it's the theme of looking at my inner world for answers and direction rather
than the outer world.

so.....like when i felt overwhelmed about believing in the light of the outer world,
when that felt like too much of a task for me, i decided i could do it with just
myself. my own inner stuff. i could start there.

well, that's happened a couple times now with this stuff and my thoughts.
trying to figure it out with the whole world in mind just is too darn overwhelming
for me. but if i just keep turning inward, that seems to be the place to start.

so this theme has been starting, but i haven't really noticed.
it was when i read a note from a friend this morning (thank you, bets) and read
this line that i understood the theme was here and it was helping me and i needed
to work it.

here's what she wrote -

Maybe your love wins because you offered it- even if whoever stays in what i see
as darkness.

so yeah, we'd have to talk about what it means that 'love wins.' i guess.
but i don't even care.

what i get out of that gem is that it builds my inner stuff. it adds to my inner stuff.
it wins inside of me. and what i get out of this is THAT is really truly where i need
to keep looking.

and yeah, okay, i do this. but it's not til this morning that i understand that this
is what i have to do to get closer to the love stuff.

i don't even know how to explain it - it's like this.....
with my relationship with my guy, i have learned that i ALWAYS have to look
inside me and see what's goin' on inside me when we have a problem.
doesn't mean he's not a clod at times and hasn't just done something that hurts
and has no responsibility. no. doesn't mean that. just means i need to know what's
going on inside of me to heal whatever's happening. always. and when i know,
real healing takes place.

after so many years of this, i know this is true and do it (almost) automatically now.
i just don't doubt it's truth. i've learned that's what works.

well??!! it seems to be applying to my latest search. every time i turn around the
message is, don't look at the whole world. it overwhelms you and you get lost.
look inside you. find your beliefs about how you work, about what's in there,
and build them. and work from that core.

maybe my love wins because i offered it.

maybe it wins inside of me.
and maybe there isn't any other place i need to worry about.

'the kingdom of heaven is within.'

maybe this is a twist on that........
thank you, ms. bets!

using it for fuel

her mom passed away a few weeks ago.
she herself is a woman in her sixties.
her past is one that you could make a movie about.
a really sad icky movie.
one i wouldn't be able to sit thru and watch......
she's lived.

she's trusted me with many of the stories.
some i can't think of without feeling sick.
she lives with those memories.

and now.......she's gotta face some stuff she's been putting off facing.

i've been doin' the check in calls.
and while we've shared some tears, we haven't hit the real stuff.

until last nite.

we finally hit on some stuff i knew would have to come out.

it moved me deeply to begin walking thru it with her.
i was steady and gentle thru the call.
and then when i got off, and was alone, i just wanted to
dissolve into a heap of tears.

i was so sad.
here was another person who could not believe she was worth loving.

it is so deep a feeling, and it runs thru every vein, even when we don't know it.

i thought of her, where she was at, and thought there was a pretty darn
big chance that she'd never figure it out. that she'd never know how
worthy she was.

it made me think of another person i know who has got to carry around
the same stuff....but the difference is.....i don't think she realizes it. her tool
of choice is denial.

so many different ways we carry this deep deep thing with us.
i know so many.

i've been on the list myself.
i think i've made it off that list, but am probably on some other list.
maybe a list of 'wobbly but getting there - still falls in that mud from time to time' list.

i honestly think that learning to love bob, and learning to be loved back by him,
has changed/is changing some deep stuff inside of me.

and i wondered about that.
do we need to learn to love someone and learn to be loved back to heal those wounds?
i have no idea.
maybe it's just one avenue to healing.

but i know those voices we carry inside us have such power because we somehow
let them have it.

and i know that's way easy to say. and tremendously difficult and painful to
try to change.

but my gosh, what other choice do we have?
do we live an entire life believing that garbage and then die having never known
our value?

if we don't know our value can we love ourselves?
and if we can't love ourselves can we REALLY love another?
and if we can't really love, can we really live?

last nite i was sad and heavy with the sound of her voice.
this morning i'm on fire with it.
i can be there for her, and love her, and remind her of that.
but i can't make her see.
all i can really change is me.
i've got work to do.
i want to grow.
i want to really really live.
and my gosh, it's truly truly up to me to let those voices go.
and to see that light inside me i keep talking about.

somehow that incredible sadness in her voice is the fuel in my heart today.

just a few minor goals!

a friend sent this to me in the mail yesterday.
snail mail.
so i actually had this in my hands.
and it totally grabbed me.
i have never read it before.

here, in one heck of a gorgeous quote, is a great list of
things to strive for! and who knew? it turns out it's to be a goddess!!

The goddess is in my thinking, is the movement of the spiral.
Like so many things in nature (plants, the seasons, the moon) 
The goddess moves in the darkness as much as in the light.

She lives in the present and evaluates the moment.
What is right today may be wrong tomorrow.
She lives by the spirit, not by the law.
She demands constant awareness and spontaneity.

She loves the potential in things; the possibilities
In the growing plant, the growing child, 
The growing hopes and dreams.
She trusts life; trusts change, trusts love
And holds nothing static.

She loves and let’s go.
She loves with her whole being.
So that vulnerability becomes her greatest strength.

What for those who do not love her is contradiction,
For those who do love her becomes paradox.


that's from carl jung.

i gotta tell ya tho.......i honestly don't understand those last two lines!!
i'm gonna go post this on facebook and ask someone to explain it to me!
cause i want to know!!

what an incredible description..........
what an incredible thing to strive for!

starting......

so a break from the blog doesn't mean a break from thinking...
and i've been keeping the whole darkness and light stuff floating around
inside of me. (see posts below)

the things i want to keep in mind and work with are my ability to face
dark stuff knowing it's part of life, and my belief in the light.

those are the two big things i want to strengthen.

and yeah, certain people in my life are symbols of darkness.
doesn't mean they're evil......just means they've chosen things in their
lives that block love....lies, denial, self absorbed behavior that harms.
stuff like that. and some of the choices have caused some heavy duty darkness.

so when they show up in my life, it's always something that affects me.

so there i was with all that on my mind, but certainly not mulling it a ton.
just letting it be there.

but you know, sometimes i think the universe likes me to work a little harder.
because the set up this weekend was incredible.

it all happened in a short span of time.
bam.
bam.
bam.

there was the first wobbly stuff. that made me feel kinda off.
the first little soft doubts of where i fit in the world began to whisper.
bam.

then there was a shot of darkness that hit me in the gut.
i was removed from it, so i didn't have to respond or do anything......
i just saw it and got sick. my stomach truly just turned with disgust.
bam.

and then there was a smack in the face reminder about how love does
not always heal, and darkness can win. bam.

so there i was, really feeling like i needed a break to just go cry, but holding
back the tears as it wasn't the time or the place when my real challenge arrived.

it arrived in the form of a person.

i was in a position that i didn't have to go face my real challenge.
i could just keep doing what i was doing and stay out of the way and well.......hide.

believe me, i considered it.
and i took my time stopping what i was doing and heading into the challenge.

but i did it.

at first, i would have told you i did good.
i was aware of what i was doing, i was aware of my actions, i was aware of my words.
i was watching and trying to just pay attention.

but after thinking about it, i know i have a ton of work to do yet as the way i do the
watching and awareness stuff  is by sliding the walls right up. and yes, yes, i really
do know we need to do that for protection. but i think there's different types of
wall sliding - and if i'm gonna put the walls up, i want to put them up the right way.
and i don't think i did.

cause somewhere in there, i put them up against myself too.
and that's something i definitely need to explore.

anyway......so i made it thru, felt like i kept my integrity and honesty and then that's when
the interesting stuff started to happen.

self doubt rolled in. the deep stuff.
where you're not sure of who you are or where you belong.
and......as it turns out.........where i doubted my light.

fascinating stuff, really.
as the way that i figure i am going to really handle the darkness of the world
is by concentrating on my light and believing in that.

and there i was, first real challenge of an encounter, and the first thing i do when
i'm alone is smash my belief in my own light. smash it right down and cover it up.

wow.

while it was no fun to be in that spot, it sure is an interesting thing to look at.
am i that good at sabotaging myself that i know just where to go and hit and
try to weaken? how in the world does that work?

i don't know.
but i saw it. i did it. and it was hard to be there.

so i figure what i gotta really work on is strengthening that belief in my own light.
that's where i gotta put some work. that........and learning how not to wall out
my own self and my own goodness..........and isn't that a whole topic all in itself?

so yeah......long roads to travel ahead....but my gosh, what amazing roads.
can you imagine growing this stuff and really working with it?

it's really kinda awesome........
so here i stand, looking down the road, knowing i want to go down it,
wishing i had a map, and thinking it's too late to go find the visitor's center.
i just need to start......

and so....i start........

a short break

i've been having some wrist problems.
decided this afternoon to take some time off from typing as much as i can
for a few days......

so thought i'd take a blog break til next week.

wanted to leave ya with a great quote from mister mark nepo -

'It's as if what is unbreakable - the very pulse of life - waits for
everything else to be torn away, and then in the bareness that
only silence and suffering and great love can expose, it dares to
speak through us and to us. It seems to say, if you want to last,
hold on to nothing. If you want to know love, let in everything.
If you want to feel the presence of everything, stop counting the
things that break along the way,'

gosh, is he good or what?!

snagged

it snagged me.
it really really snagged me.
an observation that caught my leg as i tried to step over it,
grabbed me, pulled me down and landed me flat -
looking up surrounded by more of the same kinda stuff that snagged me.
all over the place - surrounded by the snag stuff.

it was someone's lack of seeing the obvious.
it was someone's need to NOT see.
it was someone's need to create their own reality and live with that
until it couldn't work anymore.

okay.
fine.
live in your little denial world.

but it's not okay fine, is it?
because that kinda stuff ends up hurting other people.

'no man is an island.'
they are not kidding with that line.

laying there looking up, i saw it everywhere.
the making of our own stories to justify our behavior.
and i saw all the hurt and damage that happened from that.

and i started wondering about the 'sins of the world.'
and i wondered how many....could it be ALL??....happened
because we were so convinced of our own truths and couldn't
bring ourselves to really look.
we so needed something to be some way that we just couldn't
deal with the other person and what was real?

we ultimately just couldn't deal with ourselves.

everywhere i turned, i saw it.
in every degree.
small stuff that didn't seem to matter to huge huge stuff that affected the world.

and then.........without even trying to find it in myself, i ran right into it.

most times i go looking in myself to find stuff.
i know if i see it outside me, it's inside me somewhere.
this time i didn't get that far,
i found it without even searching.

i hurt my guy.
i saw it in his eyes.
my own stuff that isn't even real - it's just a fear i choose to coddle,
got in the way of reality.

got in the way of love.

i chose living in my own non-real stuff over love.
and it caused hurt.

and i watched it in his eyes.

oh, i didn't watch it at first.

i was too concerned with me.

isn't that what happens?
the concern is about ourselves.
how something affects us.

because we're human.
that's what we do.

and the courage it takes to REALLY see what's going on -
i don't know........i was gonna write 'can seem like too much'
but i don't even think we stop and realize we have a choice.
i don't think we stop to even think it takes courage.
we just go without stopping to think.
we just act.

this time i saw it.

and i guess cause i had been thinking about this stuff, i watched it.
i watched his eyes and what i had done.

and i owned it and because of the love between us, i could take it
and do good with it.

i was lucky.
i could see it, own it and change it.

what really really got me as i lay down there in the snaggy things
was that the deceptions continued after the hurt was caused.

that the person who couldn't deal with the reality in the first place,
and had to live in denial,
couldn't deal with the pain it caused.
couldn't own it.
couldn't take responsibility for it.
and continued the denial with blaming the pain on others.

we do this constantly.
some much much much more and much much more damaging than others.
but we all do this.

every bit inside of me wants to urge people everywhere to look, to stop it,
to dig deep and see and own what you see and work with what you see.
to stop blaming the other person.

and then i sit back and smile a sad sad smile.
cause i know that's not gonna happen.

i know the world will keep rollin' like it rolls.
and the damage will keep happening.
that people will read this and think of others who do this,
but not themselves.

but once again, i'm reminded.....the only change i can make is inside of myself.

the only things i can truly own are my own actions.

and that when i look at someone i love and see the hurt i caused,
i can change that.
if i step up with courage and strength.

and stop needing a fake reality to feel like i'm living.

a start of a mull....

yesterday was quite a day.
the word 'bombarded' comes to mind.

i was bombarded - in the most wonderful sense- with messages
that seemed to be directly touching on what was going on inside of me.

in every direction - whiz! bang! bam! boomp! knocked in the head with
this, popped in the face with that.

being bombarded and trying to get some work done in a set amount of time
doesn't leave a lot of mulling time. i have much much mulling yet to do.

but i got to do a start of some mulling in one of my favorite mulling places -
wrapped in the arms of my guy. and while we were talking, a vague sense
of something was seeping in.

i think it has to do with belief.
i think it has to do with what i believe about darkness
and what i believe about light.

side track here a moment with me -

i've watched someone i know get hit about as hard as you can get hit with
some life stuff. i've seen others hit like this and watched what people do
to stand up again after a hit like that. there's different ways, all of them hard.

his way tho, has been dark.

and i'm pretty sure that he believes in a god that 'did this to him.'
and in his anger towards that god, he has declared there is no god.
but in my eyes, it looks very much like he believes in one and is pretty darn mad
at him.

so i've watched this for awhile, been aware of it.
it seemed easy to see to me.

but.......um..........maybe it's so easy for me to see cause i'm doing something
very similar.

maybe i don't have the god belief like he does, but maybe i have a 'flow/magic'
belief. a belief in a flow of life and a certain magic to it all that can't be explained.

and maybe when it wasn't all flowing and magical like i wanted, i threw it away.
in anger, hurt, spite, despair, frustration........

and maybe, just like the person i watch be pretty darn mad at a god he claims doesn't
exist.........maybe i've done some kinda twist of that myself.

and maybe i have chosen to not give as much power to light as i do to dark.
to not believe in it quite as much as i really could.

i'm not sure if that's true or not.
but something in there is true.

i've seen bits of it here and there.
tried to work with this a little bit before.
have probably written about it.

thing is.......this time i'm thinking that's where i am with that edge (see post below)
the edge is about deciding what it is i believe in, and what i'm going to commit to.

interestingly, that man of mine has been training me in trust. so many times when i couldn't
see the light and the love, he convinced me to believe. he has taught me over and over to
believe in something that i can't always see. our relationship has been a classroom for trust.

and as i was curled in his arms i thought of something else i've learned thru being with him -
the only place i can really work on...the only place i really have the power to grow and
change - is inside of me.

i have always felt that i can go inside and feel the vastness, feel the all way way deep down
inside. well, maybe that's where i need to start. maybe that's where i need to work. to
believe in the light.......to hold the light that comes thru me. to commit to that light in a way
i haven't been committing since i tossed all my beliefs down one day years ago.

maybe i can't figure the world out. maybe i can't figure out the darkness and the light and
what wins and why things happen....

but maybe i can concentrate on what's inside of me. and understand that whatever is inside
of me is a microcosm of the universe. and it's the perfect place to start...and it's a place where
i can commit to the light with all my heart. and believe in the magic with all i've got.

maybe it's time to pick that stuff back up again.

an edge

'Sooner or later, we come to the edge
of a vastness that has been there all along
and we are forced to decide if we are
visitors or if this is our home.'..........(mark nepo)


i honestly have no idea what the guy meant when he wrote that.
but for me, it hit exactly on something i am dealing with.

i feel like i've been getting closer and closer to that edge of vastness.
and yesterday i was beginning to understand where i was standing
and the decision i would have to make.

for over ten years 'seeing' has been one of the biggest things inside of
myself i have been working on. started out with just so wanting to
see myself. and yes, of course, that leads to having to see situations,
and others and life.

i thought the act of seeing was the hard part.

it hadn't occurred to me that the things i saw would buckle me over.
more than once now the seeing has knocked me to my knees so hard
that  i didn't know what i'd do.

more than once i've turned my head and covered my eyes and crumbled.
more than once i've felt like it was a struggle just to stay inside my skin.

yesterday, i stole a little time to write and figure out what was going on
inside of me and what i was going to do with it.

after writing out angst and rage and confusion, i quieted a bit.
and an understanding started to seep thru.

that maybe if what i truly wanted was to be love then i had to know the
darkness. that maybe you can't truly be love unless you understand
the absence of love. maybe there's something to that. maybe i have to
be able to watch the fires and be present to all of it.

honestly, i still don't know what i mean.
it was just a vague rumbling inside. still is.
when i got home, i grabbed mark nepo's book, 'facing the lion, being the lion'
and soaked him up.

there was so much in there that wasn't even computing in a logical way for
me last nite. but rather it was like water for a soul that needed a drink so
badly. i couldn't drink him down fast enough or long enough.

i read this and closed my eyes  and held it -

'All my life I've tried to lessen what stands between my heart and the world,
between my mind and the sky, between my eye and your eye. Never realizing
that when who we are is our skin, well, yes, we can know the inside of mystery.
We might even glimpse the face of God. But we also live like burn survivors
screaming at the air. This too is part of being awake, this being on fire always
looking for a sea.'

his 'being awake' and my 'seeing'......i think they're very very similar. and i
don't think i realized what i was asking for when i went looking.

and now i feel like i'm standing at an edge of some vastness and that truly
i am only just beginning to step into the journey.

quite a feeling to begin the week.