a special special day....

the skies were darkening,

and the wind was blowing.

and it was way way too warm out.

josh had said he heard there were fierce storms coming in.

i used to like fierce storms.

not any more.

now they make me jumpy.

zakk walked into the kitchen.

my desk is in the next room, but i get a good view

of anyone at the kitchen counter. 

i looked over at him and hollered - 'i'm scared, zakk!'

i watched him turn around and look at me.

'just scared in general? or scared of something in particular?'

i laughed.

i really laughed.

and i so treasured him.

my sons are incredible beings. 

that they even know enough to ask a question like this amazes me.

we are celebrating mister zakk's birthday tomorrow.

i'm gonna try to stay off the computer as much as i can, 

hence i thought i'd post this tonite.

he'll be twenty one. 

that in itself kinda stuns me.

but what's so way cool is the watching i've had the luck to be able to do.

the watching of zakk grow.

i probably thought nothing could equal the thrill of watching them learn to walk

or learn to talk......or learn to read.....

but there is quite a thrill in watching them find who they are, and watching them

try to become more of who they've found.

i'm not exactly sure how come, but it seems to me, in zakk, more than in

his brothers, i could read that stuff on his face sometimes. i could get a glimpse

into his heart.

which is odd, because he's the least verbal, and the least like me.you'd think

he'd be the one i would have trouble with when it came to reading his face.

and yet, somehow there have been moments where i've looked at his face 

and could just see his opening into who he was. i could see his incredibly

beautiful spirit.

how do i even explain that? 

i don't think i can.

and i guess i don't need to.

the point is......the honor, the privilege, the incredible gift of having zakk for my

son, is something i've treasured ever since he arrived. it's never left, and it's

only deepened.

 while i have silly gifts stashed for him to open, and plan on fussing as much as i can

and doing anything i can to make his day good...the real gift is him. and who he is.

i wonder how i can tell him that.

a new one...

'she had decided she was really in -
she would open and be all she could be.
it did not surprise her then
that life was also really in -
ready to teach her all it could.'

ms. e. and ms. s.

i woke up filled with fear.

how does one even DO that?!
how can you be filled with fear before you're even AWAKE?

i guess that stuff on your mind doesn't go away, does it?

i opened my eyes and immediately felt the fear.

'well, at least you're self aware,' i thought.
'you know what it is you're feeling.'

when i'm unsettled, i clean. or cook.
so the fact that i was pulling sheets off the bed to wash while i was still in it,
wasn't a good sign.
nor the fact that my fridge was full of food i cooked last nite.

i got the wash going, picked up a few things on my way to the treadmill,
and then hopped on to exercise a little bit.
i knew no music was needed this morning.
my thoughts would pump me along just fine.

sure enough....no problem.
just wanted to move and move and move and move.

then i had the thought....step back and watch the emotions.

i had done this recently without even trying in a moment that was
incredibly difficult for me. i detached and watched. i was amazed
i was doing it, and pleased as it really can be helpful. it didn't
solve anything....but it kept me calmer, i think. for a little while.

so, okay...let me try this again.
and so i did.
only this time something different happened.

if you're familiar with these blogs, you'll know that a lotta times
i can have an inner conversation with 'little terri.' i can feel the adult
terri talking to the child terri. i find those times really helpful.

well, in a way, this was very similar....i could feel the bigger part of me.....
dare we call it the 'soul'??? talking to the smaller part of me........maybe
we can call that the emotions.

okay, how about this.....the soul will be 'ms. s.' and the emotions will
be 'ms. e.'

so ms. e. is running. i can picture her running down this road. she's
just running and saying she's scared. she's not stopping. she wants
to run away from what's scaring her.

ms. s. is calm as all get out and saying 'that's okay. you can be scared.
you want to be scared.'

so of course this catches ms. e's attention.
i WANT to be scared? oh please.

well, sure, says ms. s.
that's what you normally do to react. that's what you're used to.
you find comfort in that. your normal reactions give you some sense
of security. so go ahead, be scared.

ms. e. cocked an eyebrow.
not so sure about this finding comfort stuff as the scared felt miserable.
altho she did feel ms. s. had a point.

she kept moving down the road, but she was thinking about how she felt.
and complaining about life not being fair and shouting about death.
all at one time.

ms. s. was still way calm. she was opening her arms to the vastness of
the universe and kinda just floating around with it all.

ms. s. started talking about death...how it was all around ms. e. all the time,
it's not something new. it's not something that's gonna go away....it is
part of living and it's the exit that we take to move on. and that if ms. e.
really remembered who she was, she'd relax.

and then ms. e. brought up an interesting point......
she almost felt she HAD to be scared. if she wasn't scared, it'd be like
she wasn't paying attention.
you know that quote 'if you're not feeling rage, you're not paying attention.'??
something like that.

it almost felt like denial to say 'oh yeah, it's all okay. no problem. that six year
old over there can die cause well, she's gotta go anyway.'

that just doesn't seem to work right.
it feels like the ultimate huge denial.

and for my own personal reasons, i'm so so afraid of living the ultimate
huge denial. i've seen it. i don't want it.

so then there was a kinda mixing of the minds.....
where ms. e was pondering the whole 'we are infinite beauty floating in
infinite love' stuff.........

and because none of this conversation was taking any particular order,
this thought also popped thru 'you're eating your fear.'

ohmygosh.....no kidding.
ms. e. had no trouble believing that one.
i've been eating my fear for a solid week now.
just binging on all kindsa things i really didn't want.

big sigh.

and it seemed to me if i was gonna be doing it, at least i should know
i was doing it.
binging is a term i've gotten used to.
and can live with when i want to.
'eating my fear' kinda grabbed my attention.

and then, somehow, in the knowing........i just didn't want to anymore.

by the time i finished on the treadmill, i was hot, sweaty and calmer.
not perfectly calm, but calmer.
i went and took the trash out.
didn't put a jacket on.
i was hot.

i walked out in the dark and looked up at the sky.

how can anyone stay centered if they don't see the sky? i wondered.
i'm missing it. not seeing it nearly enough.

i stopped in my driveway and just looked up.
i don't want to eat my fear.
i don't want to run and run and run because there's some
kinda odd comfort in that.

i want to rest in the sky.

i'm not there yet, but i'm way closer than i was when i pulled
my sheets off my bed this morning........

i pictured ms. s. wrapping her star filled arms around little ms. e.
and i pictured ms. e. snuggling right on in and wanting to stay
tucked in. not wanting to run.

it's quite a process, this living stuff.
but maybe that's the beauty of being here.
the whole process we get to experience.

more book stuff

there's quote after quote i can put in here from anita moorjani's
book (dying to be me) about our 'true magnificence' and how
everything we need is inside us.

it's funny, when i started out on my journey to find the real in
my life and to learn who i was and find self love, i had a mantra
i used over and over and over again -

'everything i need is inside me.'

man, i musta said that about 10,000 bazilliongillon times.

i saw how often i looked outside of myself for answers for love
or appreciation or compassion or whatever....

i would say that line, then no sooner finish it and look outside
myself for something yet again.

i'd drag myself back to the thought and say it over and over.

over and over again.

it's been a lotta years traveling down this road now.

when i first started out, certain themes repeated themselves constantly.
'honesty' and 'trust' popped up so many times i wanted to fling them
thru the window.

lately, the repeating theme for me is 'self love.'

i can just see how a depth in that will change everything.

i smiled when i got to the end of her book and in the question and
answer section, sure enough, someone had to ask about the self love stuff.
there's some kinda idea that's just taken root that self love is selfish.
she has a beautiful response to this which includes this thought -

'To say 'i love you' when I have no matching emotion for myself is
playacting. It's not real. Affection for the self and others is the same thing.
We're all One - all interconnected. Having an awareness of our own divinity
can help us to see our magnificent and worthiness for love without conditions.
once we understand this, offering the same to everyone becomes much easier.'

i thought that was so beautiful.

and i know, for myself, i've found that the more i learn about loving another,
the more i learn about loving myself. there's no question in my mind that they
are directly connected.

feeling inspired

it was a weekend full of inspiration.
packed full to the brim.

not just from one book.......but from many!

perhaps my soul was already cracked open from yet
another book i was reading - viktor frankl's 'man search for meaning.'
that book was already swirling around inside of me as
i grabbed other books as well.

a friend had posted an article about viktor and his idea of 'meaning'
on my facebook page. (i can't find it or i'd post it here! there's
just a whole lotta stuff over there!)
i knew a little bit about him already, but when i read the article
i knew it was time i read his book.

i had already had his quote hanging in my studio -
'the point is not what we expect from life, but what life expects from us.'

and now i got to read the story of when he said that quote.
i believe the first time he ever said it was in a concentration camp
where he was a prisoner, to a bunch of other prisoners, in the dark,
after the lights had gone out and it was an even worse day than usual.

that's quite a moving visual and it takes my breath away.

from there i went to anita moorjani's book 'dying to be me' and read
some of her thoughts. here's a tidbit that i totally loved -

she's talking about the difference between belief and awareness -

'Becoming entrenched in beliefs that no longer serve us
can keep us locked in a state of duality and put us in a constant state
of judgement. What we endorse is considered 'good' or 'positive'
and what we don't believe in is not.

This also puts us in the position of needing to defend our beliefs when
others don't agree. And when we invest too much of our energy
in defense, we become reluctant to let go, even when ideas no longer
serve us. That's when our beliefs start to own us instead of the other
way around.

Having awareness, on the other hand, just means realizing what exists
and what's possible - without judgment. Awareness doesn't need
defending. It expands with growth and can be all encompassing,
bringing us closer to the state of Oneness.'

that thought grabbed me.

and then, as if i wasn't whirling and spinning enough, mister mark nepo
grabbed me for a dance.

he has a section on falling down and getting up that just rocks....

here's a couple tidbits from there -

'All the falling down and getting up, it seems, is just for this:
for us to drag the parts that are left to the place where our gifts
can fly.'

.....and after a short story he wrote about someone, he ended it
with this - 'studying god did not heal him. Embodying god did.'

and finally -

'In small and great ways, we are each challenged to open the miracle
of our lives by dancing where we are lame and by loving where we
are wounded. It is an astonishing thing to ask of ourselves, and yet
all our trials lead us there.'

WHAT a weekend full of wisdom!
i had to share little tiny tidbits.....
how lucky we are to have all this genius at our fingertips!

an odd call and a book suggestion...

it was one of the stranger phone calls that come thru here.

he called to check in.

but then had something come up.

then called back.

but had to go quickly again.

in between, he gave me a book suggestion.

we never really got anywhere in the conversation besides

the book suggestion.

not the first time we wanted to mention a book to each other.

but......interestingly enough, the first time i went right

over to amazon to check it out.

usually i'm doin' something, or figure sooner or later i'll check....

but for  some reason, this was immediate.

and i'm budgeting.

don't have room in the budget for a new book.

so why am i looking?

checked it out.

okay. think i gotta read this.

looks like i GOT TO.

the kindle version was cheaper.

so, even tho i hate reading stuff on the kindle,

i figured that was the thing to do.

talk about immediate.

in less than half an hour after the phone call, 

i was reading this book.

turns out i loved this book so much i had to hold it in my hands.

i HAD to.

there was underlining to do,

and i'd be referencing this a lot.

i knew it.

remember the budgeting?

jeesh.

off i went to buy a new hardcover copy.

i didn't care (well, a little bit...but i knew it mattered)

and i grabbed a copy and went home with it.

started underlining and doin' the dog ear thing.

joked that i'd be tying this book to my belt loop and never letting

it leave my side.....

the book?

'dying to be me' by anita moorjani.

(which, yes! i have added to the widget next to this post

if you get crazy and want to get it!! i've updated the widget!)

why the reaction?

because i've reached a point where i just want to be totally who

i am. i don't want to hide. i want to live who i am. fearlessly.

and the way she tells her story, what happens to her (near death

experinece) and what she has to offer clicks exactly right for where

i am right now. including the word 'fearlessly' which she used more

than once.

i'll be writing blogs with bits and pieces of what she says, for sure.

but this post?

this was about the magic of finding it.

of a weird call, of following up on it, and of opening up to what was

in front of me.

that's the first part of this whole thing i want to acknowledge.

the magic is all around.

and this time, i managed to stumble right on into it.

changed my whole darn weekend....

maybe my whole darn life...

kinda neat

when i was a kid, i grew up with women sitting around
reading tea leaves.

yeah, i really did.

how cool is that?

one of my mom's friends 'read them for real' and that
kinda got everyone doin' it.

it was a common thing to sit down and spend some time
looking at the pictures the leaves made in the cup.

i'd bring friends over and we'd do it -
great fun among teenagers....

and then it was something that we'd do for fun for company
when i moved out and had people over for dinner.

i never 'read' them for people.
i'd just provide the tea, the cups and the explanation
of what to do. then we'd sit around and laugh and make up
stories and just entertain ourselves.

once in awhile i'd gather my girlfriends and we'd have a tea
party complete with reading our leaves.

thing is.....as the years went on, i'd do them at times for myself  'for real.'
not that i ever thought i could read them.
or ever even really believed in reading them.
but what i believed in was sitting yourself quietly when you have
something going on, focusing on something abstract, and letting
your mind wander. and listening to the wanderings.

i believe things can bubble up thru that process.
so i'd do that here and there.
and it always seemed to do me some good.

well, it almost felt like tea leaf reading by the time i was done with
a new wandering of the mind approach...

i sat down with paper and pen and looked out my living room window.
it was snowing and the snow was incredibly glittery.

and from there i just popped down a thought.

'gold dust floated down from heaven.
or was it silver dust?
maybe angel dust?
whatever dust it was,
it washed the earthly dust
right off of me
and woke me to living again.'

i just sat with that and felt it.

and then i looked at the table right under the window.
i have a sculpture of an open hand.
in the hand i have a rock with the word 'love' resting there.

i jotted down what that brought up in me.

love rested in the palm of her hand.
it was only when it started
slipping thru her fingers
that she understood
what it was she had held.

okay, i was getting into this.
stuff just came out like it wanted/needed to.

i looked at an art piece that my son had made me when he was
young. it was on my window sill -

what had been so bright years ago,
sat faded on her window sill.
the reds - the color of love -
deepened and grew richer.
the clear whites -
the color of innocence -
yellowed and darkened.
and somehow,
she understood that's how it was supposed to be.

and finally i looked at some valentine hearts i had next
to the piece i just wrote about -

hearts leaning against hearts.
hearts turned away from other hearts.
old and tattered, one with a rip,
another with a tangled string around its top -
us in so many ways.
decorating the world as best we can.

by the time i was done, i felt like i had just gone
thru therapy. just touching some emotions that wanted to be touched.
they didn't need 'fixing' or anything other than 'acknowledging.'
that's all the emotions needed.
to be touched.

and there they were, slipping right out of my pen.

i've never done that before.
just looked at things and randomly wrote.

but i think i'll definitely be doing this again.

a red light meet up!

i was running provisions down to him.
he got hit with the flu and needed a few things.
as i pulled up to the red light, i saw the bone sigh bumper magnet
on the car in the next lane.

i grinned.
it was my buddy.

i pulled up next to her, made faces, waved...
couldn't get her attention. finally i honked.

she looked up, we rolled down our windows
and proceeded to have about as quick a chat as you can have.

the funny thing was........in what i'd say was no more than a
minute and a half, we managed to connect at a heart level
and we were talking about her emotions.

thru the windows of our cars at a red light.

how DO women do that?!

honest to pete, it's one of the coolest things i've ever experienced.

we've got that closeness that can do that.

if i'm having a rough time but am holding it  together,
and then someone i have that connection with comes thru somehow and
asks how i'm doing....it's over. walls are down. i'm crying. bam!
the moment they show up or the moment i see their name on
the caller id or in my email box. bam. tears.

this musta been the spot she was in.
walls were down and there we were.

we had to pull off with a promise to call later.....

and i pulled off shaking my head at what just happened.

i love that kinda thing.
and i needed that right then.
just to feel that connected with someone.

friends.
what a treasure.

women.
what amazing creatures.

it's just not a rock...

when i tried to tell him about the disney thoughts on love
(see post below) he shook his head and talked about those
images we get and how destructive they can be.

he knows first hand as he's had to battle a few of the images
that i had trouble letting go.

and then he said they make it seem like love's a rock.
like it's something you just find.
then you have it.
and you don't have to do anything, it's just yours.

i so smiled.

that's it! i thought.

it was something you just found, and then kept.
like a rock.

that was how i thought love was.

silly girl.

love isn't something you just find, then you have and you keep.

not at all.

it's not a noun.

it's a verb.

it's totally a verb.

it's something you move with, grow with, learn with.

and THAT was what had to change in my mind
before i could really participate with it.

and the love thoughts begin...

i was gonna do some writings about love when february started.
just to get in the groove of valentine's day...and just to think about love.

but i guess between getting ready for valentine's day over here for
bone sigh arts, having some of my own personal stuff on my mind, and
watching tons of friends around me struggling with their relationships,
the inspiration hit a bit early.

and i had to sit down and write/think about love.

the break ups right now are all around me. much sadness, much grief,
much confusion and loss.

one more note from yet another friend losing her marriage,
made me sit down  and think.
what a darn shame we're not taught real stuff about real love in school.
honestly, why on earth not??? it affects us our whole lives, and we just
don't even ever really stop to think about what it is.
over and over again we get our hearts broken.

i sat and thought back...way way back...to when i was young and just
dreamed of boyfriends and love.

what did i think it was all about?

from what i can remember, it was pretty much about someone totally
loving me. someone seeing my value and beauty in a way no one else
ever had or would. i think it was probably about 'completing myself' -
like somehow i'd be 'whole'.......and i guess it was about filling in that
empty spot inside and just being happy. it was definitely with the idea
there was that one guy - that one soulmate - and somehow we'd know
each other and life would just be perfect. he would complete me. we
wouldn't have to work at loving each other, we would just be so happy
to be with each other.

it was completely a disney movie.

it took me a lifetime to lose those thoughts.
and a lotta effort.
i don't see love like that at all anymore.
and i'm relieved.
because that view doesn't even touch in on self love.
in that view, i somehow get lost in someone else.

and now i feel so deeply that self love is the foundation of it all.
i don't think you have to have self love down completely to love another.
at least, i hope not, as i don't have it all down yet for sure.
and i think loving another teaches me more and more about self love.
but i think it's gotta be there in a good chunk for a healthy start.

i don't think it's the other person who completes us.
i think it's in learning how to love the other person, that we complete ourselves.

to love another requires us to dredge thru our baggage and make our way
to the healthy stuff. it requires us to choose valuing ourselves for real,
believing in our strength, and pushing ourselves further than we ever thought
we could go. it requires loving for the sake of loving, not for the sake of getting.
it requires growth. and because of all that.....i believe it is the journey of love that
completes us.

that's a big difference.
and can totally take some weight off of prince(ess) charming.
they don't have to provide everything for us with this angle.

i don't think i believe in soulmates anymore either.
i don't think my guy is my soulmate.  i think he's the most incredible man
i know tho. i respect him, and admire him, and i know he's willing to do
the work with me to go deeper into what love really can be for us. i know
he wants to journey as deeply as i do. and that's what i want in a partner.

so i'm not sure it's a soulmate i want.
to me, that implies we're destined to be together.
it's a co-worker, co-explorer, co-pilot....that i think i'd rather have.
it's not a given that we're gonna make it.
it's our efforts together that make it.
and that's powerful right there.
i like that part.
it's up to us to make it happen.

none of this was my view thru life until after i lost my own marriage.

you coulda told me all this tho and i woulda nodded and said 'of course.'

of course. of course.
and never once would it occur to me that i hadn't the foggiest idea of
what any of it meant. sometimes we think we understand without ever
even stopping to look.

i think i had to have my world crumble to learn some of this stuff that
i believe so deeply now.

i'm now sitting in a spot where i have to grab these beliefs, and put
them into practice with extra care and extra effort. can't say i'm thrilled
about that on the one hand. honestly, i'd like to just go have some fun.
yet, on the other hand, i want to travel into some depths that i know are
there and know nothing about. and i know this is my way in.

so i grab my shovel, and keep on going.

the grief and struggle i'm watching around me reminds me of what i went
thru so many years ago. it reminds me to work hard now so i don't have to
go there again....and it reminds me that wherever i go, if i'm learning more
about love, then it's an okay thing.

love.
self love.
it's a life time of lessons.
may we all learn from the journey.
and may we all go deeper and deeper into its mysteries.

diamonds of light...

hate.
love.
fear.
doubt.
trust.
belief.

it's been a weekend full of those concepts.

between a couple of movies i saw this weekend, and my own
personal life....i feel like i had those topics whirling around me and
in me constantly.

and perhaps it was the perfect weekend to prep me for
martin luther king jr day....and the inauguration.

and totally the perfect weekend to finally watch the movie,
'the help.'

i walked away from that movie with a really basic concept
that i think most people have had, except for me.

sometimes i'm way slow on the insights.

while racism ruined so many lives of african americans,
and i can't possibly compare what i'm about to say with that,
i can't believe it's taken me this long to really come away with the
following concept......

racism ruined so many lives of white people as well.

i've always concentrated on the harm and destruction it's done
to the black race. not sure how much i thought about the white race.

i guess maybe this was always floating around in me somewhere,
i mean, how could it not?
but i think after that movie, i was just stunned at how completely
messed up white people were with the whole racism stuff.

i mean, i knew that.
i've watched other movies, and seen real life videos and know the
news stories, and yeah, have witnessed some stuff in person....
so yeah, i guess i knew.

but not sure i ever articulated it to myself quite like i did this weekend.

i just kinda looked at it from the other end of the scope or something.

think it was my weekend of seeing things from the other end of the scope.

i saw how hatred messes with your mind.
and i saw how mistrust feeds fear and doubt.
and i saw how blind we can be to love.

i saw how we mess ourselves up.

but somehow, and i don't know how to explain it, i felt like i was
seeing it all from a different angle.

needing some time to myself, i hopped in my car and
drove to the walking trail that i love.

off center, and knowing that the sun, sky and alone time would help,
i set off walking.

it is the most beautiful trail. just being there feels calming and good.
when i got to one of my favorite parts, i sat on a bench and just looked
at the stream of water.
i love that spot.
i love little streams.
i think they're one of my favorite things.....

i could just see upstream a little ways....and the water was filled with
bubbles of light on the top, just flowing into a main center area.
the bubbles caught my eye. they were so pretty. the light dancing there.

they were flowing into a main area.

the main center area was a deep patch of water that looked like it
was completely lit up with hunks of sparkling sunlit diamonds. i sat
there in awe of the diamonds of light. the bubbles had grown into
huge hunks of brilliant diamonds.

they'd float around and be gorgeous for a bit.

and then they flowed out downstream back into smaller
bubbles of light...and then back into the normal color of water with
no light diamonds visible at all.

i sat and watched and thought how that's like us...all of us.....
where we have these small bubbles of light....and we flow into
the main place and get filled with the light so big time...and then
back into bubbles.....and then we can't even see it anymore as we
move along away from the light.
we're just regular ol' non shimmering stuff so much of the time.

as i was thinking of this, the sun moved a bit or the clouds moved
or something shifted, whatever it was,
the sun covered ME in its light. right there on the bench.

i could just feel it move over and cover me.
i closed my eyes and felt it wash all over me.

light.
it's in me.
it's in us.

and what we choose to do with our minds affects
if we shimmer or not...if we flow into the big ol' hunks
of light....or if we turn into regular ol' non shimmering stuff...
or worse.....

what we choose to do with our minds.

seems like it's a good day to remember that.


hate.
love.
fear.
doubt.
trust.
belief.

they're around us constantly.
what do we dwell in?
what do we live?

reacting

i hopped in the car thinking about it.

i had over-reacted to something and i noticed it.
i had gone and packed an order trying to figure out what was
going on with me.

wasn't that hard to figure out.
it had the same theme as something bigger that day,
and i was just reacting to the theme...

life's not fair.

life's not fair, and i want to control things.

yeah.
that's what i was reacting to.
the smaller thing that afternoon was just a reflection of
a bigger thing earlier......and i was feeling it.

so i drove in the dark thinking.

okay, if this was one of my sons, what would i tell them?
and so as i drove, i said out loud what i'd tell them.

'this is what you got.
you gotta do with it all you can
and be who you want to be
and then let it go.
you can't control the outcome.
you just gotta let it go
and move forward.'

okay.
yeah.
i believe that.
and i thought about it.
and i thought about the whole 'process' stuff i talk about.
trusting the process.

and being in the flow.
this new flow stuff that's coming alive in me again.

and how earlier in the day i said something like being in the flow isn't
about it all turning out how you want it to. that's not the deal.
it's about being in some sorta spot where you're living how
you want to live and you can feel it, and when life moves,
you trust it, you move with it.

it's the living who you want to be.

i thought about how i handled the thing i over-reacted to
in the first place. i was me. i figured no one else would agree
with what i did, but it was how i wanted to handle it.
it was from my heart, honest, and real. it wasn't hiding.

and that's what i want now more than anything.
no hiding.

and so i did it.
even tho i figured others would see it differently.
that's how i saw it.
and that's what i offered.

okay.
you did that.
now let it go.

i pulled in to meet him for dinner.
stopped him for an extra big hug before we went in.

as we sat down at the table he asked me what was
bothering me....

'i just want to control the world' i told him.

but you know what?
i really really don't.

i want someone else to do that.
i just want them to do everything my way.

until i get that, i'm gonna keep workin' on offering who i am,
struggling with it. wrestling with myself,
and then letting go.

over and over and over again.
maybe the wrestling and struggling will lessen after a bit.

one can hope.

which makes me smile......
cause maybe i can't control the world.....
but maybe i can work on me.

i look up to a scribbled note i have over my desk -

'the only thing i can truly own are my own actions.'

and once again, i head into my day....

giving it a shot....

okay, i know i shouldn't paraphrase this guy as i'll cream his
beautiful work. but shoot, i can't type out his whole book here,
even tho i'd like to!

the amazing mark nepo has me gasping yet again.

in his book, 'the exquisite risk' he's talking about what we need
to do if 'we are to feel the presence and friendship of all there is.'

he's talking about how we disconnect ourselves from 'all there is'
by putting buffers up around ourselves.

he gives the example of how the native americans would just say
something like 'the wind is god's voice.'  whereas we say 'the wind
is LIKE god's voice.'

that putting the 'like' in there is a buffer. and he says we do
this in so many ways. and it keeps us apart.

he had a dream about his gramma and he said it was LIKE she
came to him. and points out how that's a buffer. he didn't say
she came to him. it was LIKE she did.

'When we assume that we author everything we experience, we
snuff the possibility of being touched by the more numinous dimensions
of reality.'

i thought of one right off the bat....
when i am out in the wind, i say 'it's like the universe is hugging me.'

well....he's saying, go for it, terri.......just say 'the universe is hugging me.'

ohmygosh...you know what?? i can see the big difference it would make!

'We can begin by removing the buffers of perception that we create. We
can remove the 'like' of metaphor, letting the wind BE god's voice. ....
We can remove ourselves from the center, letting the indwelling spirit pass
through us, time and again, refreshing and rearranging us, until with D.H.
Lawrence, we utter, without shame, 'Not I, but the wind that blows through
me.'

okay, i read all this (and more) and gasped!
i liked the phrase 'indwellling spirit'....i like that.
i was in the middle of gasping when my guy walked in.
it didn't take long for me to spill this and tell him about it.
i wanna try this! i exclaimed!
he grinned at me and said he figured it wouldn't be too hard for me.

i laughed.

yeah.....maybe not.
and then again.........maybe.

i can see how it would mess with me sometimes.
and how i wouldn't want it.

but then again.........i can see how it's definitely worth a shot.

i am so trying this!

a dream that fits more than me, i think.

okay, i really do realize no one (except a therapist maybe) really needs
to hear someone else's dream.

no worries, i'll leave the dream out of it as much as i can.
altho i have to put pieces in here to talk about it.

i'm wondering how this dream relates to the post directly below this one.
i had typed out the 'inspired' post below, and then went to sleep.
and had a dream.

and in the dream, a little girl fell over this cliff kinda thing.......
a thing where if you fall over, you're not coming back.
you're gone.

upon waking, i realized she was a part of me.
she was a piece of who i was.

she fell over while i was hosting a party.
at this party were significant people who represented my entire past.
when i woke up, i realized that my whole life as at this gathering.

and at this gathering, i 'had to be polite' even tho i knew i had lost her.
i had to 'hold it together' and host this gathering.

(in the dream, i believe i thought she was my daughter.)

to get thru and actually function, i had to put barricades up so that
i wouldn't look over at where she fell, and i wouldn't have to deal with it.

also of interest, when she first fell, i went to tell the main unit of people,
and i couldn't speak. i tried, and no sounds would come out. i made
gestures and pointed. but couldn't speak.

and i let someone else go and search for her remains.

wow.
wow.
wow.

WHAT a dream!

i don't usually do dreams here. as they're so personal and relate to me
and no one else.

but i don't know.....this one feels like it could relate to a whole lot of us.

how many of us have experienced this? only we don't even know it?
and so far, how it relates to the post directly under this one, is i'm thinking
this is all part of the journey of real - knowing it happened, acknowledging
it happened, talking about it......

and maybe......somehow understanding that the little girl never had to hit
bottom. she could have been floating around all this time, waiting for me
to understand. waiting for me to clear the space that pushed her out in the
first place.

maybe she's an important part in not hiding.

i don't know. i'm still mulling it all over.
but i had to put it out here.
cause i'm thinking others can relate....even if they don't know it yet!!

inspired

okay.
i think it's just me.
i think this will just make sense in my head.

cause it's prolly a jumble.
and my head's a bit of a jumble.

but a tickled jumble.

i've been thinking about this 'being real' stuff a lot since the other nite
at that gathering. (see a few posts below)

and yeah, it's been a topic for me for the last ten years.
and i've made great strides in the field of real.

and then the 'no hiding' has been a topic with me and my guy for the last
few months.

so it's not like it's never on my brain.
and it's not like i'm never working on it.

but it seems to be budding into new energy for me right now.

i REALLY want to become real.
MORE real.

and i'm kinda tickled.

so then i grabbed some books and sat down for a few minutes.

and i got this!

from mark nepo's 'the exquisite risk' -

'When tripping into the heart of things, it is a full and bottomless
attention with no intent or expectation of result that brings us there......
'Quite simply, it is through the beauty of what is real that I trip from time
to time into the well of being. And in so doing, I experience a sensation
of aliveness that defies all words.'

oooohhh i thought.....yeah. yeah. yeah. that's it.

i got all tingly inside.

yeah. this is what i want.

altho, he's talking about tripping on into it.
and yeah, that's usually how i do things....i bumble my way in.....

and then i grabbed my other book with, of all titles, -
'becoming real - harnassing the power of menopause for
health and success' by rose kumar.

'becoming real'....you gotta love it!
and i found these nuggets -

'Shame is the toxic feeling that contaminates a woman's relationship
towards herself. ....Women in midlife want to purify their relationships
to themselves by living from integrity and truth despite the lives they may
have created from their adaptations and conditioned behaviors.'

and just above that is this goodie....'Women needed a framework that
could mirror for them their greatness and their highest potential so
they could connect with their truth.'

okay...so i don't know if these sentences i grabbed all go together for anyone else
or if it's just me.

but what i see in all of them is the acknowledgement that it's right there....
the real.....it's right there......and when you're there....you are so so so in
the flow. yeah. that's what i took away from all that. affirmation and
inspiration.

so this flow stuff i've been thinking about (again, another post below)
and this real stuff....it's all goin' together.

now.
to just do it.

and i think that starts with not hiding.

i've got some places i know i've been hiding in.

i know it.
am aware of it.
have been doing it on purpose of all things!!!!

and am thinking it's time to stop.

so, that's the plan.
for today.
until i get scared again.
of course.

but for now...i'm just feelin' way way inspired.

to just be.

to just plain ol' be.

how cool is that?!

gently paddling

we stood outside under a beautiful gray sky talking.
i kept glancing at the sky.
so grateful to be under it.

she was worried about something and so i started talking about 'the flow.'
trying to remind her to just release and go with it.

it'd been a long time since i could talk of such a thing.
really talk about it - and believe it.

i mentioned that as i began.
told her the nutshell went like this -

i was sure of a flow, worked with it, was in it,
then gradually i turned it all into some kinda weird thing that resembled
some kinda religion i didn't want in my life.
freaked myself out when i realized this,
threw it all down,
then was afraid to pick anything back up,
even tho i knew darn well there was indeed a flow.

read something recently that just brilliantly and simply explained the flow of life.

likened it to a river.
was obvious and not at all original....

and yet......it hit me perfectly.

perfectly.

and somewhere way down inside of me i breathed a long deep sigh of relief.
and hoped i would find that spot that i could be in and believe again.

later that nite, i ran into the darn copyright stuff again.
people using my copyrighted work.

this time tho, i was way calmer.

i wrote the new person a nice note.
she wrote back and apologized.
didn't realize.
and would take it down.

of course.
that's how it usually goes.
people are nice. just don't realize.

but not always.

then there was the other person.
the old person.
the person i've already dealt with.

i didn't even deal with this person directly this time.
this was her THIRD time selling the quote after having the item
removed from her etsy shop by the etsy legal team.

'you're kidding,' i thought as i saw it.
i did the stuff i needed to do and stayed calm.

then i went to take a shower.
and i thought of this woman.
how she was so snotty when i contacted her the first time.
and how she continued to put things up she knew were illegal.
and how she'd get them removed and then put them up again.

and this time, instead of making me crazy,
i got sad for her.
i really just felt so sad.

what on earth do you have to go thru to make you like this?
what would make you this miserable?

i thought of the energy that must run thru her.
i thought of her illegally selling it on her own website,
not just etsy.
and how that actually brought a beautiful soul into my life.
who knew goodness would come out of it?
and i smiled.
she had given me a gift by being such a skunk.

kinda crazy.

(and yes, for those who will get crazy for me and want to protect
me and my rights......i'm doing all the stuff i need to do. and will continue
to do so. it's not right people steal the work, and i'll do what i have to
to stop it.)

but that's not the point.

the point is........i now understand that's part of my business and i'll
take care of it. and i think because i know that now, i'm calmer.

and in being calmer, i'm looking at this woman who really is doing
something truly rotten....and i've got enough space to wonder what
on earth is motivating her.

and what on earth hurt her so much that she feels she needs to do this.

and how ironic that she's probably the perfect person to read the bone sighs.
she probably needs them. she probably has wounds that would like to
feel the bone sighs wash over them.

how strange it all is.

and as i stepped out of the shower, i thought - 'i'll light a candle for her.
and i'll send her some good energy. i think she needs it.'

and then i smiled.........and i thought......why, ms. ter, i do believe you're
stepping right back into that flow you've been talking about.

i decided to light two candles. one for me and one for her.
and put them next to each other.
offering each other light.

yeah, i'll still try to protect the bone sighs, and do what's right.
but i think i'll be sending a little light out when i do that.

and finally, finally i found some sort of place i want to be with all of this.

and yeah, i'm thinking there is a flow....
and i'm gently paddling my way back into it.

a good soul at a great gathering

it was a special gathering at one of the shops i've worked with for years now.

i've only been up to the shop one time before, but loved it.
the event was something i didn't want to miss, so my guy and i made the trek up.

there were people i had talked with over the phone and over email that i got
to meet for the first time. that's always such fun. and my gosh, how facebook
has changed things! i actually recognized people before i was introduced.

but there was a man there that i didn't realize was going to be there.

it was towards the end. i stopped the shop owner to thank her, and she
started telling me about someone who was there. as she described him,
i thought he sounded familiar. i asked his name, and then lit up and said
'i know him! he's here?!'

he and i had exchanged some emails a few years ago.
he's a counselor who works with vets and PTSD.

as she brought me over to him, i was filled with delight to meet him.
and the minute i saw him, i just loved him. we got to talking and
i felt so comfortable with him, i ended up telling him something that
i hadn't even told anyone yet. that's rare for me.  i totally enjoyed him.

things happen and people shift, and we moved on but moved back
again in a little while. and that's when he said something to me about
the vets.

he was just explaining something to me. explaining some of the feelings,
and emotions that they're experiencing. it really wasn't a moment you'd
stop and notice.

the thing is tho, by now i had made a connection with him and felt
comfortable and apparently very safe. cause when he said something about
what they go thru, i allowed it to hit me like i would if i were alone.

and the tears came to my eyes and i couldn't talk for a moment.
and i was okay with that.
the level of being okay with that was unusual for me.

later, i was thinking about that.
normally, i would keep a certain amount of a wall up.
granted, i'm pretty open a lot of  the time and tears and choking up
are not uncommon. but this was unusual as it was something
i normally would have kept the tears back from. and only felt them
later when i was alone, thinking about it.

but i felt safe.
and didn't need to hide.

i could just be.

i'm thinking he's probably a rockin' good counselor!

and i'm thinking i liked being able to let that wall down.
i liked not hiding.
and i'm thinking that it's something i want to do more.

and yeah, it'd be nice if everyone was as safe as this guy,
but they're not.
and yet....i still want to.

not for anyone else's sake.
but for mine.

hiding isn't real.
and i want real.

how?
how do you do that when it's not quite as safe?

maybe i have to think about what 'safe' is......
because maybe it doesn't matter.

maybe i want to be totally me no matter what.
no matter if it's 'safe' or 'unsafe'......

maybe it's just plain ol' time.
no matter what.

thanking this guy for bringing this all up for me...
and for my guy who's always reminding me it's safer than i know.

toasting girlfriends!

it was one of those moments....
i was so glad i didn't miss it.

i arrived last, one friend up getting something,
the other at the table. presents everywhere.
we were doing our christmas exchange.

as i was moving presents out of the way,
i did the ol'  'how ya doin'??' thing as i busily looked at the table and moved things around.

when she said 'okay' i heard her voice,
looking up, i turned toward her.

'was that 'okay' an okay okay or was that a not so good okay?'
i asked as i sat down and looked her full in the face.

and then she teared up.

our other friend had returned and saw the tears.
she quickly sat down. each of us on a side of her.
i reached over and touched her knee.
i noticed my other friend had done the same to the other knee.

she told us what was going on.
she had our full attention.
and we talked about it.

until we were all talked out.

she felt our love, we helped her think it thru and we tried to make it better.
we let her know we were there.

then i turned to my other friend.
'how about you? i'm thinking you can't be so good either?'

and she launched into her stuff.

the love at our tables that we sit at sometimes astounds me.
the support women are for women is just incredibly beautiful.
the sharing is so important.

i got my turn. didn't have any problems to bring, thank goodness.
just stuff i wanted to share and tell them about.

presents were opened, multiple hugs were given. there was laughter
and more tears.

they are family to me, those two friends of mine.
they are sisters. people i go to in need and in joy.

what a hunk of gold to have this in my life.
and the most amazing thing is, i know it.
and sometimes when i sit and look across at the table at them,
i can just see the gold.

we are what matters.
our relationships can be such treasures.
i want to always remember that and hold them that way.

toasting girlfriends today....and always!
toasting the sharing of our journeys!

new tumblrs happening!

thank goodness i have these sons of mine.
they keep me in the know and push me forward to try new things.

tumblr has been their latest nudge.

and i gotta tell ya, it's really quite fun!
so it's gonna be another kinda blog thing for me to do....
but with a different style.

a little more free and whatever.

if you feel like checking it out, come on by!

and then......the awesome son of mine followed his own advice
and got on tumblr himself.

my gosh, he's amazing.
i know you're gonna love watching what he's up to.
check him out here.

playing....

my adopted little brother posted this vid on my fb page.
i have seen it before, and love it.

you notice after awhile NO ONE's taking that escalator.
which is so cool.

but this time around i really really noticed how few people
ACTUALLY PLAY with these steps!

i was really really struck with that.

i think the first time i saw it, i was just so taken with the whole
deal and so tickled everyone was taking the stairs.

but wow.......where's the play that should be leaking out of all of us???

this really got me thinking.

i'm pretty good at play. and i know darn well i woulda been
all over those stairs....but STILL, i'm inspired to play even more now!

thanks dan, loved this!

some good stuff on hobbies

i read this last nite, from my man mark nepo! and thought the new year timing
was perfect! you know how making room for the things we love, those hobbies
we enjoy usually surfaces on new year's lists? or at least mine!~

well here, from 'the exquisite risk' he talks about those hobbies in a way i
had never thought of before.......and he reminds us how we can really use them
in times of struggle.

>>>>>
'What we tend to call hobbies are usually points of ordinary existence that we surrender
our complete attention to, often by accident. And in so doing, we open our Spirit's
Thread to the miracle of what is. In truth, most hobbies are sacred exercises in
undivided attention through which we truly know the world.....

When we can honor this inner truth, we sing the very air into being and hobbies
become thresholds and chores become adventures and everything regains its
capacity to surprise us. Then the world ceases to be divided into vocation and vacation
or livelihood and hobby. Then the friction of living is made bearable, softened
by wonder when we wake, and eased by peace when we sleep.....

If you find yourself struggling, depressed, confused, or simply bored, give yourself
completely to whatever is before you. See it for the first time. Let it speak to you.
It will not erase your struggle ore remove you from your life, but chances are
you'll be refreshed and the size of your problems will shrink more closely
to what they actually are.'
>>>>>>

sometimes when i'm really off center, i'll go take a break and do art.
after reading this, i'm thinking i need to do that a whole lot more! i loved this
and wanted to share......

the other side of shrinking

and so the shrinking theme (see post below) continued...
only it took this really awesome twist upward......

it went to the other side of it all - to the expanding and growing side.
as if to affirm that yes, terri, you can grow even in the darkest times.

and these themes just take a life of their own, with their timing so perfect.
which is the coolest thing.

this is how it went.......

after i wrote the blog below,
i was still thinking about it all.
i got a note from a friend with a picture showing me her tattoo.
on it are the words 'life is beautiful.'

i actually put my hand up to my mouth, smiled, and shook my head.

what timing.

you see, if anyone's life had a reason to shrink, hers did.
she lost a son to suicide.
and here she is with a 'life is beautiful' tattoo.

i wrote her, shared the blog with her and started talking to her
a bit about it.

she talked about belief and believing.
and how she really wanted to heal.
and how really wanting something is tied into really believing you can
have it.

isn't that a gem of wisdom right there?

the whole 'really wanting it' stuff is big stuff.
i know that from my own struggles.
i say i want to love with an open heart.
and then man, i can close up that heart of mine like a darn pro.
and sometimes opening it again takes muscles i really don't want to use.
i really would honestly rather stay closed or stay angry,
or be petty. sometimes the want of that stuff is stronger than
the want of the stuff that will really do me some good.

i've watched this over the years and been amazed at all that lies
behind the scenes of ourselves when we say we want something.
a lotta times we really don't.

she talked of that.

and then the believing you can have it......

isn't that a whole topic in itself?

do you believe you can heal?
do you believe you can be happy?
do you believe you can feel love?
do you believe you can grow more?

those are not just questions for someone who's journeying thru a dark time.
those are questions we should all be asking ourselves routinely.

i know i need them.
and i'm going to take them and tuck them in my pocket today.

do you want it?
do you believe you can have it?

she did and does.
and she's living it.

and there she was......tattoo and all,
reminding me that it really can work.

shrinking may occur

i see themes run thru stuff in my life a lotta times.
i don't see them right away.
but when i start looking at something, i realize it looks like
something else going on, which looks a lot like this thing over here...
and pretty soon i realize there's a theme!

i'm in the middle of watching a theme right now.

it's the theme of shrinking worlds.
and it has me intrigued.

i am more grateful than i can express that i just came out of a rough
time with my guy feeling deeper love than ever.

it was a complicated rough time.
really complicated.
that had been forming for awhile.

and it took a final kinda blast to knock us flat where we were just
forced to really look at what was goin' on and to either reach out
and learn, or lose what we had.

i honestly believe because of all the work we've done in the past,
we were up for the task. but it wasn't easy by any means.

we were both feeling pretty darn threatened.
and i'm not sure i woulda thought of that threatened part and worded
it that way if it weren't for watching someone else.

the someone else had gotten so deeply scarred that they've never been okay since
the scarring. i knew that and had slowly watched what had already seemed
a small life start to shrink. but now, i saw it shrinking even more so.
and i was amazed.

what causes that? i wondered.
how could it get even smaller?
what's making that happen?

in talking this over with that guy of mine, he pointed out that being
threatened will cause that.

i realized that he was right, there were more threats goin' on for this
person who was shrinking before my eyes, and it made total sense.

i immediately flashed back to my previous week.
i was threatened.
that'd be a good thing to look at.....

i had worked as hard as i could not to let my world shrink.
i didn't think of it in that way. didn't realize that's what i was doing.
but in looking back, i could see it clearly.
and i wasn't always so good at it.
fear can close a world pretty darn fast.

i thought of my elderly neighbor who's world was shrinking.
i thought it was shrinking from being self absorbed. and i thought that was the
culprit. but i think it's a combination of stuff. and being threatened
has got to be in there.

and then i got yet another example from yet another person around me.
in watching their absolute resistance in letting go of the past, i see their
world shrink. 'it must be a living hell' i thought. and i realized they had
been so deeply threatened and had never ever recovered from that.

how is it you don't recover from that?
what choices do you make to keep yourself in a world that shrinks all
around you?
what makes the shrinking happen more and more?

and what gets you out of it?

i thought of my week. my recent hanging out with being threatened.

i know i'm lucky enough to have a partner who works with me and
wants to work with me, and i know we have real love. so i also know
that means, my little example from the past week isn't going to have
all the answers. it's too easy. not threatening enough.

but it didn't feel easy, felt threatening enough.
and i'm thinking there's got to be some of the pieces in there.
and so i look -

i know both of us tried real real real real hard to look beyond ourselves.
i know that's part of the piece.

we both messed that up a lot, but the intent was there, and the trying
again and again was there.

i know i kept thinking things like 'what can i get out of this? how do
i learn to love myself and someone else thru this?'

i guess there were bigger goals than just surviving.
there was the goal of growing.

while love would hide and get confusing, it was always part of the process.

so i think all of that matters.

but then when i try to flip all that onto a really awful happening in life....
a really powerfully threatening thing in life........i wonder how on earth
you really can do that kinda thing? how do you try to look beyond yourself
and to concentrate on growing?

isn't it totally hunker down and survive?

yeah, i think it's gotta be.
i think that's okay.
it's gotta be.

but i think there's a time limit on it.
one that varies, i'm sure.
but there's always an expiration date on that.

.......i think a time comes when you gotta stop hunkering
down.......and you gotta find a way to lift your head to the sun
and try to grow.

or else your world shrinks.
and you shrink.

and at the end, what's left?

i'm watching people who've passed the expiration date of surviving
and have settled in to that as a way of life. and i'm wondering if that's
the way they'll go til the end.

and i want to learn from this.
i want to learn from what i just went thru with my guy.
i saw what fear did.
i saw what love did.

and it truly boggles my mind.

suebear

it hasn't been my best week.
some emotional stuff weighing on me.
and while i've tried to use it to practice on,
it's still made me tired.
maybe even more so because of that.

i finally finally tackled myself and sat myself down to do numbers.
not my favorite thing to do anyway, and they're not that encouraging,
so really not a favorite thing to do right now.

had coffee to raise my mood a bit. that almost always does it.
nah.
i'm just gonna be mellow, i thought.

and then zakk walked in with a box.

i don't think i have ever seen a box packed with more love
in my entire life. and i'm pleased to say i'm no stranger to
boxes of love!

but i think knowing who this was from, her ability to wrap
with such pizzazz, the ribbons and bows, and stars, and shiny
paper, and glittery glitzy everything along with wonderful smells...
i think it truly is one of the most amazing things i ever got.

there is truly something so special about a feminine touch. and
she touched that thing up with such love it was amazing.

i was overwhelmed as i pulled present after beautifully wrapped
present out of the box. laying each one out on my table and grinning
at the stringy glittery stuff and stars that had spilled out,
my melancholy just disappeared. all the stuff i had been struggling
with just left.

you know how when you read a good book and you just disappear
and you forget you're laying on the couch reading?? well it was like that.

and i landed into this whole place that was just filled with the warmest love.
a profound love.

let me explain a bit.
it's from a friend of mine.
we met when i was just starting bone sighs.
she was just starting her own stuff as well.
she came thru a festival i was doing.
we got to talking.
and somehow......we've stayed friends for i think almost ten years now!

she's younger than i am.
not young enough to be my daughter...but gosh, i think that's close!
maybe a way younger sister.

and way too young to be dealing with what she's been dealing with
for way too long now.

she has cancer.
and she's fighting it so hard.

there's so much she's had to deal with. so much that no one her
age should deal with. no one ever...any age...should deal with.
and yet there she is. right in the middle of it. finding grace and gratitude
and laughter in every place she can.

i never know what to say to her about that.
i think she's so brave.
and yet, if you say 'you're so darn brave' it almost sounds like
you're not allowed to be weak. and i don't want to imply that
at all.

somehow she knows all that....because in the gift box was a little beaded
purse with a crab on it for the days that i'm not feeling the stars...and maybe
feelin' a little bit more crabby.......a reminder that it's okay and she still loves me.

yeah.
maybe i need to send her that purse back.
maybe we need to just keep passing that back and forth.

last time we were together, we talked of visualizing stars inside her.
we talked of how maybe she could use that in a medical procedure that might be
happening soon. (i actually have plans on writing more about that when i hear
the news on all that.) but stars have really taken on a life between us.

after we had lunch that day, that nite i was in my bathroom brushing my teeth.
i looked over at a star mirror i had in my bathroom. and i immediately thought
of her. i took it off my wall, dusted it off, and sent it to her.

interestingly enough, i never hung anything in its place.
be aware here, that's completely unlike me.
i have art everywhere and i have more than enough to replace it with.
and yet, i left a glaring bare spot right on that wall. for weeks and weeks now.
i just haven't had any desire to fill that empty spot. and it looks pretty empty like that.

and when i got to the present with the note on it telling me that she had taken
this piece of art down to hang her star mirror up, and she was sending me her
piece of art back, i totally gasped!

i couldn't unwrap the package fast enough. i couldn't believe it. i knew
it was going in that blank spot.

and there.....in this great frame that's gonna go perfect and i mean PERFECT
in my bathroom is this beautiful artsy collage (which makes me want to do collages!)
with this quote -

 ' What day is it? - It's today squeaked Piglet...My favorite day -said Pooh'

i so cried.

there's more. there's a bear with stars all over it....for terbear with the stars.....
there mittens and a scarf and a mustache soap for a good laugh and so much more...
and there was her christmas letter....explaining what a dark year it had been and
yet how more than ever she had felt blessed and thankful.

i cried and cried and cried.

i so totally do not understand this life,
i don't know why she has to be sick and why she has to go thru this,
and why i can't fix it for her when i so want to.

but i do know that somewhere, somehow mixed in all of the pain and struggle
and darkness is a magic that astounds me.

a love that overwhelms me.

and a gratitude that fills me sometimes so full i overflow.

suebear....you're one heck of a shining star.
i love you.

noah

i was on twitter yesterday when i saw a tweet by my son, noah.

for his new blog!

he had told me he was going to do one.
but ah!
there it was!

i popped on it and gasped.

mygosh, these sons of mine knock my socks off.

had to share.

check out noah and his new site.

a good fear talk

josh shared this with me,
and i loved it.
it totally goes with the working with fear theme i have
for new years.....

got some time?
check out this ted talk.

muddlin' thru...

i am such a rookie when it comes to doin' some of this inner work.

but it's a new year, right?
if stuff lands on you new year's day, it's kinda hard not to want
to work with it in a new way. you kinda just HAVE to try learning
new ways or trying new approaches. that's the whole point of new
year's. is it not???

thing is, i'm never quite sure how to do that.
always sounds so good....but i'm always a little lost on technique.

so this time, i watched.
i watched what my mind was doing and where it went and
where it liked to stay.

and i read books that would guide me.

i read things about working from my center
and working from a place of love.
i read things about staying in the moment.

and i'd try them out.

this is where the rookie status comes in.

i'm a total beginner.
maybe even a pre-beginner or
whatever would be not quite as good as a beginner.

i could snatch moments.
just moments.

but the thing is, i keep trying.
and the moments keep coming.

i can't get it all to last in one long stretch....
but i can grab moments.

and it's in those moments i'm seeing what these guides are tellin me.
i'm seeing that when i stay in the present, and don't wander down the
road of fears, the story that holds such power normally, isn't there anymore.

now, thing is, that story comes roarin' back moments later.
like i say.....rookie.

but.
a rookie who can tune into moments of being present.

and here's the really odd thing that i'm wondering about this morning....
i'm thinking because of those moments, i can see myself way clearer.
i can see exactly what it is i do and allow to create this space for the
fears and the hurts.

i can see it the same way i can see the stuff sitting on my desk.
there's an envelope, there's a mouse, there's a mug...on and on.
they're just there. no judgments. they're just there.

i can tell you if the mug's in the way of the screen i have to move it,
if the mouse is in the wrong place, it won't work.

that's just the way it goes.

well, there have been brief glimpses inside myself like that.
you don't speak your truth, this happens. you figure you don't count,
then this happens. that kinda thing.

and suddenly, no one's doin' anything to me.......i'm making space for
stuff i don't want.

hmmmm.

it's all real new to me.
not sure i'm making sense.

think i need to practice more to figure out what's goin' on.
but this is how far i've gotten so far.
and i'm definitely intrigued.

david

i 'met' david years ago.

in browsing the web, one thing led to another, and i found
his writings. i was totally taken with him.

i must have written him one of those notes that said something
impressive like 'wow'! you're awesome!'  and that's the sophisticated
way i entered into a tiny bit of david's world.

over the years he's impressed me more than once with his kind,
thoughtful and generous spirit.
and thru the amazing powers of facebook, we've stayed in touch.

it'd been awhile tho since i've read his writings.
i went over today to check out what he'd been up to.

i only read one entry.

because i loved it so much.

sometimes when something really hits me,
i just want to sit with it before i go on.

this one really hit me.

i actually got tears in my eyes.

when he talked about a co-dependent relationship with
spirituality, i nodded. i so so nodded.

i remember when i figured out that i had that goin' on in my
own life. it affected me so deeply to become aware of that.
that was my time when i entered a cave and threw my beliefs
on the floor of that cave. i wondered if i'd ever pick any back
up again.

so imagine my delight when he likened his looking as honestly
as he could at his beliefs to throwing spiritual spaghetti against the wall!

i had one of those moments.....one of those 'somebody understands' moments.
and the tears welled up in my eyes.

this just felt so good for me to read.
wanted to share with you.
there's lots more.
check out his whole site.
and if you're in the area, gosh, go in and see him in person!

you can start here.

playin' the game

back on the treadmill,
and sometimes that thing is just what i need.

feels good.

it's been quite a holiday season around here.
they're never dull, that's for sure.

as i was walking and thinking about it all,
a moment with zakk popped into my head.

we were taking a walk.
the nite before we had all gathered and played some games.
we were talking about them as we walked.

i was telling him how much i enjoyed them.
how different it was when i was a kid playing some of
the same games with my brothers.
they were kinda stinky to play games with anyway,
and then i'd want to win. and i never would.
i'd always end up feelin' bad.

i told him how now i didn't care about anything but
the fun of it all.

we were talkin' about the different outlooks on playing
and he went ahead and put it on life.

i turned my head towards him with wide eyes.

ya think? i asked.

and then we had to tweak it a bit, but the gist was the same -
how our outlook affected the way we lived (played the game)
and how if we got hung up on the rules and the winning,
it could be a pretty lousy experience. but if we were just in it
to be in it and be present....how that changed everything.

that seemed pretty cool to me as i walked and thought this morning.

a whole lotta the times i'm in it for a goal.
i want something out of it.
and yeah, that can be a pretty lousy experience at times.

what if i take those times and try to just be in it to be in it?

that's my thought this morning....
actually, zakk's thought.
and i kinda liked it.

a new year's morning...

with a full heart.
an open heart.

with ideas and dreams.
and hopes and plans.

with gratitude.
and respect.
and an understanding of what a gift it is
to just be here at all...

with a humbleness of spirit.

and veins full of stars...

with love....

i open my hands and embrace the new year.

on my knees i open to the mystery.

with a whisper i welcome the day.