the old crone

i had the idea the other day.
i had taken myself out to think.
was sitting there alone, imagining just who i wanted to be talking to right then.
i could picture her.

and then it hit me -
i need an imaginary friend!

because you see, she could be the wise old crone i go to for help with my thoughts,
and what she'd really be is a tool to access the inner wisdom i know is deep inside of me.
she could be the face and the voice for those thoughts that can be so hard to access.

i smiled.
i liked that idea.
a lot.

and then, of course, i promptly forgot it.

until i sat down for coffee with my girlfriends.
the one girlfriend led off....she started right in.....no preface....no nothing......
she just started right in on some stuff she had learned/gathered on unconditional love.

my eyes got big.
seriously?
she started talking about the very things that i had been mulling deeply for days.
she just leaped right on in.
tears sprang to my eyes.
everyone's used to that.
no need to stop.
we just kept going.

then she started talking about accessing the divine.

and my imaginary friend came right back to mind.
she would be a way for me to do that very thing.

coming home i got to thinking about it.
i went off to clean the bathroom and figure this out.
started picturing her.
figured she'd need a name.
the whole bit.

i got stuff that felt really right to me.......
and i'm so delighted.

you know what's really gonna be wild?
the tea party with me, little terri, and the old crone......

ah.......how fun is this?!!

friendships and spaces

it was one of those really cool moments.
a 'that's the beauty of friendship' moments.

i hadn't heard from him in awhile.
i knew he was mulling over a big decision.
and he kept going back and forth.
i had thought of him many times wondering where he was with it all,
but left him be, figurin' he'd call when he was ready.

and there he was.
'well??' i asked.

he was still as muddled as before it turns out.
just can't figure it out.
but this time there was this space between us -
a good space where we could hear.
i guess the time in between calls had created it...
well, and we did too.
we had been workin' on creating that space for years between us.
and the way he worded his thoughts caught my attention.
we talked for just a few minutes about it before we hit on something together.

a solution!

we talked about it.
tweaked it.
then talked some more, did some figurin' and tweaked it again.

perfect! we agreed.

now, of course, i know there's a chance it changes again.
grinnin' at the thought here.......
which is perfectly okay too.

but i'm thinking it won't.

i think he was finally ready to make a decision.......
and it happened in that open space between us.
and i think maybe he was looking for that.

open spaces.
they're harder to get than we think.

that whole topic has been whispering in my mind lately.
spaces.
how spaces can make room for healing to take place,
decisions can be made,
stuck movement can become unstuck -
how it's so important to make spaces for each other,
to recognize spaces, and to step into them when we have them.
and why they're so hard to get/give.
how there's a million reasons we don't give them - expectations,
needs, filters, assumptions, fatigue, laziness, just not thinking....
all kindsa stuff stop us from offering them. or from understanding
how to offer them. and how they're important enough to stop
and think about.

while he got his answer he was looking for,
i got something too...
an affirmation about the spaces, a reminder of their importance,
and a nudge into the awareness of offering them as well as accepting them.

i smiled long after i talked with him.
so glad he was part of my life.
so glad we had worked hard on learning to make spaces together.
and so glad for the beauty of friendships.

sharing notes....

i was packing up orders listening to caroline myss and her 'the call to live a symbolic life.'

oh gosh.
i had to grab a pad of paper and start taking notes in between packing things!

i'm gonna share some of the stuff i jotted down that looks like it might make sense
written out this way. a lot of it takes too much explaining....but some of this is
just perfect to share!

okay, THE thing that struck me with this first sitting was that she said self esteem
was the most important power.
 yep.
self esteem.
that's BEFORE love.

because if your self esteem is low  you can't have healthy love.

i smiled, nodded, and scribbled.

it fits in exactly with what i'd been thinking only instead of self esteem i used
self love in my thoughts.

the more i learn to love, the more i deeply i believe this.

self esteem, guys......it matters.

here's another great nugget -

'the goal is to surrender.'

gosh, i liked that.
and realized how little i do that.
i wrestle an awful lot.

here's another - she said if she was my guardian angel she wouldn't care WHAT i chose
but she'd care WHY i chose what i did.

oh that's a good one, isn't it???
that's gonna have me thinking a lot.

there were questions i wrote down to sit with later -
what causes you to lose your power?
how often do you lose your power?
symbolically what is going on?
what are your weak points?

okay, then this last one.......she talked about how we're not fully present.
how we're in a lotta different places at once.
and if you're struggling with something and looking for guidance,
the quality of the guidance you receive is completely dependent
on how much of your energy is in present time.

sigh.
sigh.
sigh.

and a final question i wrote down for myself -
what do i need to choose to integrate and empower myself?

good stuff for one sitting.
had to share!

a song for moore, ok

my buddy, lynn, passed this song to me and asked me to share.

it's my honor to do so.

singer-songwriter, lea morris, wrote this after the devastating
tornado in moore, ok.

you can listen/watch the song here.

and you can get a free download here.

she's hoping to get a few more donations for the red cross.

i love how people reach out.

ahhhh....

got to spend a little time with mark nepo's book on the holiday -
thought i'd share one little piece -

'things will always break apart and come together. yet, in our pain,
we often lose sight of their transformative connection: that each
cocoon must break so the next butterfly can be. and it is our curse
and blessing to die and be born so many times. so many sheddings.
so many wings. but in this is the chief work of love: to comfort each
other each time we break, to midwife each other each time we're born,
and to be the missing piece in what we need to learn, again and again.'

- the exquisite risk

being peace? sigh....

i was thinking about hate and anger this weekend.

yeah.
maybe not such fun topics.
but seemed important.....and memorial day seemed like a good day
to talk about them - seein' as conflicts and war are filled with them.

i started thinking about them because i felt something close to hate the other day.
it probably wasn't that close when you really looked at it. but close enough.

and seein' as i'm wantin' to live a certain way, and hate isn't on that agenda,
i've been thinking about it.

how it's fueled, where it starts, what it really means...that kinda stuff.

i also felt frustration this weekend.
and yeah, anger.

oh! how perfect! i can gather all this for memorial day, i thought.

and before i could even sit down to write this, i had an incredibly uncomfortable
phone conversation with my elderly neighbor.

there's prolly a thousand reasons for the agitation she was feeling -
side affects of many many different medicines, constant chronic pain,
being alone way too long, disease - all kindsa things -

but whatever the reasons, she was pretty darn agitated.

i had tried to do something thoughtful and it hadn't quite worked out how
i had planned. instead, she was upset, frustrated, angry, and pretty much hung
up on me.

wow.
i hung up the phone.
wow.

i had tried to be gentle and kind in the conversation. tried to be clear
and let her know just what was going on. the whole intent was loving.
i had tried to include her in on something and brighten her life.

um...didn't work so well.

i hung up the phone amazed.

so all this stuff is whirling around in my head.........
all the miscommunications in life that lead to some pretty rough places.

even when love is so obviously there.

i thought of my own small examples....and then i thought of the world.

honest to pete how can there ever be peace in the world?
i have no idea if that's even possible.

but i do know that our own little worlds are where we gotta start.

and on memorial day when we're honoring those we have lost to conflicts...
it seemed like the thing to remember. it seems to me like the best possible
way to honor them - by trying to be peaceful in our own lives.

sounds so easy, doesn't it?
and yet.......

#JURT

it's a cosmic story that was so crazy i shared it here when i first figured it out.
it's complicated and long -

nutshell version - in trying to find the perfect print for a new turn in my life,
i bought from an artist i didn't know....i picked his piece with an 'i'll know it
when i see it' feeling - from THOUSANDS of artists. and sure enough, i knew
it was the right piece when i saw it. i wrote him, told him how much it meant
to me and thanked him.

turns out that was his first piece he sold on that site, it was his beginning
into the art world and that sale along with the note encouraged him to move forward.

YEARS later i found out he was friends with one of my sons and thru their
connection, a friend of mine as well on facebook!~

the same artist!!! and i didn't even know it! all that time!

i found out by spreading his link one day on facebook and browsing thru his work -
bam! right there was my print!!! bam! i gasped, just about fell on the floor
and ran to tell my son and then to tell him!

he totally remembered the sale and told me how much it had meant to him.
and he too was blown away that we didn't even know it was each other!

too too too weird.

he lives on the other side of the world in australia!

and somehow, after awhile that same guy was sitting at my kitchen table.
all the way from australia. a friend of my son's, and an immediate member of the family.
he fit in so well it was a little bit freaky.

well, this guy inspires me.
he's a fascinating mix of darkness and light.

experiencing a nightmare of a car accident that took his grandmother's life,
and severely injuring the others in the car, including himself, he was thrown into
blackness.

his injuries affect him to this day, over ten years later.

i believe many incredible things are born in the darkness. or in spite of the darkness.
his creativity flourished as he struggled with the demons that haunted him. his art is
filled with darkness and light. there is one piece of his that stands out in my mind.
it's called 'phoneix rising.'   knowing his story, this piece moved me deeply.

it is him.
it is you.
it is me.
it is all of us who have been throw into the darkness and have risen again - have soared again.

sometimes i get discouraged at all the darkness in the world. and then i think of
stories like andrew's. and the strength of the human spirit.
in a journey searching for good, such as josh is on right now, andrew's story comes to mind.
when we dropped josh off at union station to begin his tour, i remembered dropping andrew
off there after his visit with us. how perfect to be thinking of him as the search started.

the journeys wind around and entangle in the strangest ways filled with stories of survival.

searchin' for good, i found andrew.
................

you can find his work here
and you can find my cosmic print here
and the phoneix rising here!

the search for good tour

and the search for good tour begins!
we take josh down to union station this morning!
and off he goes searching for good.

not sure what that's all about?
well, i've got the newsletter that fills ya in.
and, the cool thing is, we are all invited to be part of it.

i think it's so cool because i'll be actively searching for good that i can post for the tour!
a great thing to get your brain focused on.

share this with your friends, your family, anyone who would enjoy
searching for good!

way to go, josh!
and good timing........we could all use a little good.

check it all out here!

stories

have you guys heard of storycorps?

i just rounded up their website for us -
i haven't had a chance to sit with it yet,
but wanted to share it so we could all check it out at some point.
you can find them here 

i listened to an audio collection of some of their stories as i filled orders
and i cried thru so many of the stories.

they were short...none of them too long.
a few didn't move me.
most did.

it's real people just tellin' a story from their lives.

and apparently it started out with a recording booth in new york,
and now there's traveling ones all over the country!

people sharing their stories, capturing this journey of life.

i listened amazed at the range of stories and of the human heart.

i thought maybe i'd pick one of the stories and talk about it here.
but i couldn't pick.

each one had something really cool about it.
even the ones that didn't move me very much -
they had their own really neat quality because it was a real story
from someone telling it themselves.

just think about that.........
if one short story - say four minutes long - can touch someone's heart,
how many stories do you hold that could be shared?

do we share enough of our stories?
do we share enough of our selves?

interesting questions for me as i've been mulling over the whole sharing
thing the last week. i was thinking maybe i wanted to stop sharing so much.
for a little while there, i was really leaning that way.

and then, before i even heard this recording, i decided i DID want to share.
that it took courage to share. and i wanted to be strong enough to keep doing it.

then when i heard this recording, i really really believed that's true for all of us.
and i really believe it does take courage.
and i believe it matters.

so what do we do with our stories?
and what will you do with yours?

holding awareness today

she works at my grocery store.
she's full of life, very friendly, and totally outspoken.

only not this time.

i asked her how she was doing.
she looked at me with an unhappy face and shook her head.

i've heard her struggles before. she's very open. she talks.

only not this time.
she quietly rang up the groceries.

putting the bags in my cart i commented 'you're awfully quiet.'

she whispered to me that they told her to stop talking.
that it was her last warning.
that she'd be fired.

oh man.
i nodded, gave her the 'i'm so sorry' face.
and kept putting bags in the cart.
i didn't want to get her in trouble.

i watched her quietly ringing the groceries up.

this is what they want? i thought.
this sucks.

i thought of the people who run the place.
and i thought 'yeah, this is what they want.'

and i thought of how she must be feeling.
how it must feel to have the people you work with tell you to be quiet
or you'd be fired. that you weren't right the way you naturally were.

i thought what it'd be like for her to go home.
i've heard of her struggles with an emotionally abusive husband.

i sighed.
talk about a world that says you're no good.

i shot her an 'i care' look and told her to hang in there.

and i sadly pushed my cart out to my car.

i thought of the boxes we make.
that we need to put people in.
that they need to fit in and adapt to or we'll humiliate them.

boxes.
we put people in them all the time.
maybe not as obvious as this one.
maybe we don't outright humiliate someone.
but do we make them feel 'different' in some way?
don't we all do that to each other in small ways all the time?
we're not so innocent as we think.
how about a roll of the eyes? a sarcastic comment?
i know i do this even tho i try not to.
i know i do.

and i don't know.........i'm just feelin' like tryin' real hard never to do it again.
ever.

the world kicks so hard so often.
why add?

gonna hold my actions with awareness today.

and i'm thinking that here's something about that very awareness that has power in it.

awesomeness

sometimes i just cannot believe how dead on my man, mark nepo is for me.

i haven't picked up his book in ages. ('the exquisite risk')
and there i was, opening to where the bookmark was left....
and i started a new chapter that totally totally speaks to the thoughts
i posted in yesterday's blog.

it is the most awesome thing how this happens.

he started with a rilke poem -

"i live my life in growing orbits
which move out over the things of the world.
perhaps i can never achieve the last,
but that will be my attempt.

i am circling around god, around the ancient tower,
and i have been circling for a thousand years,
and still i don't know if i'm a falcon, a storm,
or an unfinished song."


i thought it was awesome before he even explained it.
then he explained it and i just shook my head with tickledness.

he says that rilke uses the images of the falcon, storm and song
to describe the different levels of effort we invoke as human beings.
'each image exemplifies a different aspect of will and surrender
and the conditions that yield it.'

in a nutshell -

the falcon 'survives by maneuvering the currents already in existence.
its will is one of alignment'

a storm's will is ' the result of spiraling resistance. this represents the
reckless power that comes from unconscious resistance or being half-hearted.'

and the song gets a 'harmony that seems only to result from a complete and
humble surrender, both by the song and the singer.'

'the more we surrender, the more we are touched by the life around us.'

and he talks of being half hearted being the worst state to be in.

i just loved reading this after thinking about finding god in the act of wholly loving.
of living two feet in completely open heartedly. and knowing i'd never get there....
which rilke mentions in his poem as well!

'but that will be my attempt.'

tickled.
tickled.
tickled!

and now i have images to work with!

mark explains we use all the different states all the time.
there's more detail in there, of course.
but that's the nutshell version.

i know for darn sure i'm a storm a whole lotta times!

how cool to stop and picture being the falcon or the song......'
i can work with that.
i know i can stop myself and ask myself 'okay, ter you bein' a storm here or what?'
could help.

had to share and offer it to you.
it's just too good not to.

weekend thoughts

it was one of those completely full weekends.
with tons of thoughts.

there's one about love i'm kinda mullin' over in my head.

the first part of it came to visit me on saturday.
it was the idea that if you want to totally open to love,
you have to totally open to everything -
EVERYTHING - not just the person you want to love -
but all of life.

to open means you can't be closed.
anywhere.
right?

so if you're not closed, then you're open.

yes, i know.
very scholarly thoughts here.

okay, now i just should prolly say 'i' cause i can only speak for myself here.
if i'm totally open, then i feel all the stuff that i try not to feel.
all the stuff i work so hard on tucking away or blocking -
that all comes pouring in too.
there are no blocks to keep it out.
and i don't always want all that.
so most of the time, i stay closed to some point.

this weekend i found myself in a place where it seemed way important to
totally open. even tho i really didn't want to. i don't think i could have articulated
to you that it was cause i didn't want to open to all my feelings, but some part
of me understood that and resisted a bit at first, and then dived in.

and what happened was this progression of feeling all the stuff in my life...bad stuff too.
bad stuff surfaced right away. but it just came thru quickly. i was like a hallway
where things were passing thru. and then the good stuff came thru, and then
the love came thru and well, when that happens for real, there is no hallway
anymore, there's no me. there just is. ya know?

and somewhere for the first time, i could put the words around the process.
i understood in a different way -
i had to open to everything to open to love.

wow.

and then sunday nite, i got to thinking about it all again. i got to thinking about the
whole weekend and all the different kindsa love it was filled with. and yet, how
most of the time i wasn't totally open.

i mean, seriously, i could count on my hand (maybe two hands...but two hands tops)
of the moments i've been totally open in my life.

so does that mean the moments of love where i'm not toally open are just shades
of love? i showered trying to figure this out. are there different degrees of love?
different levels?

i went back to 'love is a verb' and thought about that.......
if you're loving are you closed?
well, yeah, i gotta say most of the time i'm closed at least a bit.
i'm open to the person, but you know the deal....even to the person a whole lotta
times some parts of you are closed.

i thought about all the people and how i had this and that and this and that up
protecting me here and there. or just maybe cause i was tired, and just didn't
have all the energy to open. or distracted. or millions of reasons.

confused, i curled in with my guy. 'i have a question about love for you.'
when i tried to explain it, the first thing he said was 'you're forgetting that love's a verb.'
i grinned. i hadn't forgotten. but i loved he went right there.

but then he did the thing that i value so much, he went right to the thing i had missed.
he asked 'do you mean be open to the person or be open to everything?'

there he was. right on it. he hadn't forgotten at all.
we had talked of it the day before.
i had understood the day before you had to be open to everything.
i had that thought the day before.
and here, the next night, i had totally let that slip thru my fingers and i was back
in the much smaller sphere of just being open to the person.

(okay....so in case i'm not making sense - a recap-
i think up until this weekend, i had thought if you were totally open to the person
you were loving, that was awesome. (certainly a hard enough goal, one that i rarely
do anyway - and i'm talking every kinda relationship there is)
...but then i got the idea that it's the larger sphere of being open to the all - not just the
person, but all of life - that in that space you really find love.)

i groaned at his question. remembering that there was no way i was open to the all
with every interaction. i hadn't even gotten the first sphere down of being totally open to
the people. 'how can anyone ever really do that???' i asked.

he gave his answer that is his code for what we become after we die.
that i wasn't gonna get it until i left the human sphere and became love for real.

i groaned.
wishing i could get as content as he was about the whole deal.
but then again, i like that i'm not.
cause it just keeps me wanting to try harder.
i know.
i know.
i won't get it down.
but what a cool thing to work on -

opening your heart as much as you can as wide as you can.
cause you know somewhere in there is god.

what a day!

i started the day on my back porch.
just me.
thought it'd be nice to just sit with some gratitude to start my birthday.
and what a place to feel the gratitude.
it's quiet back there, and beautiful, and my very own place.
i felt so blessed. and the day hadn't even begun yet.

and then i played all day.
all day long.
it was such fun.

there was much food, including a gluten free birthday cake that
actually tasted great, games, presents, bike rides, laughter, and just being
deliciously lazy.

i don't get a lotta time for lazy. and that felt like such a treat.
everything felt like a gift.

and then at the end of the day, i found myself right back out on that porch.
this time my sons were sitting with me.
we sat and talked as it got dark around us.

it was that great lighting you get, where you can see each other,
but you can't really.
that lighting that makes everything safe and open and where it's easy to
wander into thoughts and feelings.

i didn't want it to end.
but knew i'd be feeling it in the morning if i didn't finish up.
so sitting there in the dark,
with my sons around me,
i looked out over the dark back yard and up at the sky.
and i thanked the universe for the gift of my life.

i couldn't ask for anything more.

birthday offerings

ah! the day finally arrived! it is officially my birthday!
yay!
and believe me, i have been milkin' it for all its worth,
and lovin' every bit of it!

at some point in my life, i think somewhere around when i was a young adult,
when it was a birthday, my dad would ask the birthday person for a piece of wisdom.

it's now a tradition around here, on your birthday -  you're asked for birthday wisdom.

we've done this ever since the kids were little.
and since my kids have grown up with this, they actually think about it beforehand,
and offer something with sincerity. i just love that.

so i got to thinking about it a few days ago.
what would be MY birthday wisdom this year?

there's been an 'issue' running thru my thoughts for almost a month now.
i've been watching people make their struggles harder than others.
i see it a lot.
a single woman may say 'oh she's got it easier, she's married and has someone to lean on.'
or a married woman may say 'oh, she'g got it easier, she's single and can do what she wants.'
or things like 'you're a morning person, you don't mind getting up early every morning.'
or 'you're used to that, it's not hard for you.'
or 'she's got money, it's easier for her.' or 'she doesn't have all the responsibilities i have
and has it so much better.'

that kinda thing.
wow, you start listening and there's a lotta that out there.

so i started thinking my birthday wisdom would have something to do with that.
something like - DON'T DO THAT!
just know everyone has their own struggles and weights to carry and we've all got
things that are hard. don't make your life so much harder than everyone else's.

and while i think that's true and think that's important, i didn't want it to be my wisdom.
it felt true but negative.and not really something i was too concerned about. while i do
this a bit here and there, it's not a big part of my personality. i've just been kinda
amazed at how much i'm seeing it.

so i got to thinking about what really mattered to me right now -

and i think it's the two feet in thing.
the living with two feet in.

i can't really give any wisdom about it because i don't know how to do it.
i tend to hit rough spots and curl back into a ball and tuck my feet in and hide.

but i've been consciously thinking on it and trying to be aware of it.
and i think that in itself has been helping. i feel like i've been more present and aware.

and i'm seeing that there's got to be gratitude and respect for just living.
just the whole process. the respect for the hard and the sad as much as for the
good and the happy. and the gratitude for the whole package.

i see that's really vital in the two feet in thing. i think maybe because if you respect
the process of life, maybe it's easier to be part of it? don't know. will have to think harder on
what exactly i mean by 'respect.' slippery word there.but there's a feeling in there
that feels right.

and then i thought of the other thing that i started out mentioning -
the figurin' everyone's got it easier than you.
that goes completely against the whole respect and gratitude thing here for the two feet in.

and i smiled.
of course it does.

you can't be concentrating on your struggles and comparing them with others
and convincing yourself you've got it worse than everyone else and live two feet in.
you just can't.

so that much i can offer -

gratitude helps your feet leap.

and the vague misty idea that respecting this life helps us live it.

i think that's what i have this year........
and i certainly plan to spend the day two feet in!
with complete gratitude for the gift of being here.

bumps stings and worry get shelved for now...

i did good with coming back into the gratitude.
i mean, it sure isn't hard right now.
between the weather, time outside, so much love all around me,
the birthday celebrating -
it's not hard to sit in the gratitude.

it's amazing tho how stuff bumps ya.
buuuuuuump.

or stings you.
stiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

because that's what life does.
it just does.
it's full of bumps and stings.

and when those come along,  i gotta take a little time to get back to focusing where i should.

at one point, when i was feelin' a little stung about something,
i went down to see my elderly neighbor.
i had some info for her i wanted to drop off.
she's lonely. you can't just drop off info.
you stay.
but i figured it'd give me some good perspective on a busy day
and i somehow knew it'd be some of my most valuable time of the day.

we sat outside and visited.
and sure enough, i watched her and listened to her and
there was no way i couldn't feel gratitude for my health and strength.
for the love all around me.

i watched her and thought about life.
we talked of her past and all the people she had taken care of and
been there for.

she had seen a lot of the hardships life can dish out.
and she's experiencing so many of them every day right now.

i noticed i felt different than i used to.
the sad is still there.
and there's fear for what's ahead.
that's still there.
there's empathy for sure.

and way down deep, real quiet, there seems to be something else.
something new. something that seems to be inside now that wasn't before.

i think it's the beginning of the understanding that life is filled with
both the hard and the good. the mix is exactly that - a mix.
and it is what it is. i think i'm beginning to accept that,understand that.
i mean, like past my head and deeper in.

just beginning, mind you. but i think there's a seed there.

i came back to my life and put the sting i had been feeling aside.
i put down the worry from the other day.
stings, bumps, worry. they're all part of the journey.
life's full of 'em.
it's also full of gardens and new plants and blue skies
and birthday celebrating that starts early and keeps goin'.

there's life to be lived.
all of it.
bumps and stings  and worry and laughter and joy and celebrating.

life is full of all of it.
that's pretty darn cool.

the line that grabbed me

i've had more than my share of goodness dancing with me this month.
have had tons and tons of love and happiness.
even the weather is dancing with me these days.

so it just didn't seem right to get discouraged.
it just seemed wrong.

but i couldn't stop it.
it climbed all over me.
the money stuff.
the darn finances.
jeesh.

it does that from time to time.
climbs all over me.
and inside me.

and there it was.

and i didn't know how to shake it.

'maybe it's okay to let it be there for a bit,' i thought.

sure doesn't feel good tho.

i tried to let it be there.
i tried to ignore it.
i tried to stuff it down.
then i tried to let it be there again.

and then later, as i was driving, i heard this -
'i lost my boundaries'

it was a line lily said in 'the secret life of bees' when she went out to the orchard
and lay down on the earth under the night sky. she lost her boundaries between
her and the earth and the sky and became mixed with it all.

oh wow.

wow.

it just grabbed me.

i'm always about ten years behind on everything.
how long has that book been out?
i've never read it, if it's a movie, i haven't seen the movie.
and here i am listening to it on audio thinking it's one of the most amazing
things i've ever heard in my life.

wow. it's just so darn good.
yeah. i know. that's what they've been saying for a lotta years now!

the other nite, i had to turn it off at a red light and just stop and soak in
what i heard and sit there and say 'oh wow' til the light changed.
i was so taken with the writing and with what was being said.

when.i heard the 'i lost my boundaries' line, my ears perked up.
it sounds like a bad thing at first.......and then i heard the rest - about
becoming part of it all....and i so smiled.

later, i realized......that's my problem when the money stuff hits.
all i have are boundaries.
that's all i have.
they go wild. they're all over the place.
blocking out the love and the goodness and the trust and the knowing.

i knew i couldn't just lose the boundaries in an hour.
i knew that.
well, i mean, i guess you could. but i knew i wouldn't.
but i did know i could drop a whole lot of them in a nite.
and i would do that.

and then i'd make being aware of the boundaries top priority for me today.
and maybe just maybe i could lose them again.
shouldn't be that hard as there's so much other stuff to focus on.

i'm headin' out to the garden - to a place i can lose my boundaries.
and find my trust again.

our newsletter

it occurs to me i should post a link to our newsletter over here.
we just sent this out today!
come check it out!

a really really good day

ah, it couldn't have been more perfect.
it just couldn't have.

the weather was singing right along with my heart.
my guys spent the whole day with me,
we crammed into the car together -
one of my favorite things to do with them.
we visited friends who are like family to me,
we ran an errand that i didn't want to do - making it fun and so pleasant.
we laughed, we talked, we listened to all kindsa music
and we played games. they handled the food all day,
complete with them making dinner that nite.
there was a home made card from each of 'em,
a present, even flowers.

i mean, honestly, they covered everything with the best of moods.

and as i headed towards the shower last nite,
i told them how much i appreciated them.
and they told me they appreciated me.

i paused.

i realized that was exactly what the day was.
it was one huge, huge, bright 'we appreciate you' message.

i teared up.

i mean, i knew that of course.
it was a day of love.
you'd have to be blind a thousand times over not to get that.

but when i put it into words, it brought the tears to my eyes.

it's been a good long time now of trying to figure out that i matter.
in trying to find my self-worth.
of looking at that stuff that i hadn't had, of messages that told me different.
and of trying to rewrite the lessons i learned from those messages.

and i realized how solidly my life now said what i had been workin' so hard at believing.
i realized the love and respect between myself and my sons, and myself and my partner.
and i felt how much they appreciated me and i appreciated them.

how much we all mattered.
how the messages weren't the same as so many messages i had gotten in the past.
how the present was so different.

how i had found what i had been looking for.
and how it had grown so beautiful.
shining right there in my son's eyes.

you just can't get a better gift than that.
right there. right smack there on mother's day.

and yeah, i cried with gratitude.

another great quote

a friend of mine gifted me with a beautiful book -
'magical journey' by katrina kenison. (thanks, mary!)

i was curled in bed reading and i came to this,
and just thought it was so beautiful.

it's what i'd like to share today on the day before
our mother's day weekend.

i know so many people have lost their moms and will
be thinking of them this weekend. thought this was really nice timing for that -

'Perhaps such appreciation, such specific and focused gratitude,
is our most useful response to the death of someone we love.
For within our mourning lies not only grief, but also inspiration -
a summons to continue living and loving as boldly and beautifully
as we can.....Our best most human answer to loss is love: love
that we carry forward with every act of kindness, generosity,
and worship. Love that dismantles barriers. Love that heals.
Love that is not something we do but that is revealed instead as
who we really are.'


thought that was perfect.

for all mom's who are lucky enough to be here this weekend -
hope that your holiday is glorious. for all those missing mom's this weekend -
may you feel love that heals.

such a great thought....

a friend sent this to me. it's from 'the mastery of love' by don miguel ruiz

and i think it's perfect.
wanted to share.

thanks, bets for sending this my way.

Imagine that you have a magical kitchen in your home. In that magical kitchen, you can have any food you want from any place in the world in any quantity. You never worry about what to eat; whatever you wish for, you can have at your table. You are very generous with your food; you give your food unconditionally to others, not because you want something in return from them. Whoever comes to your home, you feed just for the pleasure of sharing your food, and your house is always full of people who come to eat the food from your magical kitchen.

Then one day someone knocks at your door, and it’s a person with a pizza. You open the door, and the person looks at you and says, “Hey, do you see this pizza? I’ll give you this pizza if you let me control your life, if you just do whatever I want you to do. You are never going to starve because I can bring pizza every day. You just have to be good to me.”

Can you imagine your reaction? In your kitchen you can have the same pizza – even better. Yet this person comes to you and offers you food, if you just do whatever he wants you to do. You are going to laugh and say, “No, thank you! I don’t need your food; I have plenty of food. You can come into my house and eat whatever you want, and you don’t have to do anything. Don’t believe I’m going to do whatever you want me to do. No one will manipulate me with food.”

Now imagine exactly the opposite. Several weeks have gone by, and you haven’t eaten. You are starving, and you have no money in your pocket to buy food. The person comes with the pizza and says, “Hey, there’s food here. You can have this food if you just do what I want you to do.” You can smell the food, and you are starving. You decide to accept the food and do whatever that person asks of you. You eat some food, and he says, “If you want more, you can have more, but you have to keep doing what I want you to do.”

You have food today, but tomorrow you may not have food, so you agree to do whatever you can for food. You can become a slave because of food, because you need food, because you don’t have it. Then after a certain time you have doubts. You say, “What am I going to do without my pizza? I cannot live without my pizza. What if my partner decides to give the pizza to someone else – my pizza?”

Now imagine that instead of food, we are talking about love. You have an abundance of love in your heart. You have love not just for yourself, but for the whole world. You love so much that you don’t need anyone’s love. You share your love without condition; you don’t love if. You are a millionaire in love, and someone knocks on your door and says, “Hey, I have love for you here. You can have my love, if you just do whatever I want you to do.”

When you are full of love, what is going to be your reaction? You will laugh and say, “Thank you, but I don’t need your love. I have the same love here in my heart, even bigger and better, and I share my love without condition.”

But what is going to happen if you are starving for love, if you don’t have that love in your heart, and someone comes and says, “You want a little love? You can have my love if you just do what I want you to do.” If you are starving for love, and you taste that love, you are going to do whatever you can for that love. You can even be so needy that you give your whole soul just for a little attention.

Your heart is like that magical kitchen. If you open your heart, you already have all the love you need. There’s no need to go around the world begging for love: “Please, someone love me, to prove that I’m worthy of love.” We have love right here inside us, but we don’t see this love.

a start

i was  workin' on the struggle i mentioned in the post below.

i had exercised and felt better. unsettled, but better.

as if she knew, a friend emailed me a quote -

'the way of the miracle worker is to see
all human behavior
as one of two things -
either love, or a call for love.'
-marianne williamson

while i'm not really interested in being a miracle worker,
sometimes i think it'd be a miracle if i could just keep my darn heart open.
i loved the quote.
promptly printed it out and put it near me.

it made sense. was beautiful. moved me.

and then i got agitated all over again.
REALLY stirred up.
i could see the waters inside me getting all nice and choppy.

i could see why. which was interesting all in itself.
until then, i hadn't seen the hidden stuff that was underneath the struggle.

and suddenly that quote didn't feel so great to me.
sure it's pretty, i thought. and it sounds so beautiful....
but man oh man....i'm sure not feelin' like answerin' any call to love with these people.
i'd rather just knock them flat and holler at them a bit.

wow...there's a lot here, i thought.
i went to fill orders and try to just let the stuff be.

when i came back to my computer i looked at the bone sigh i have
typed across my desktop -

'trusting life meant she had to stop trying to control it.
it meant releasing into not knowing -
and being okay with that.
it meant not understanding
but living fully anyway.
or maybe living fully because of that.'

bam.
right there.
i smiled.

obviously this is something i struggle with often -
not controlling the whole world.

not controlling. not understanding, and living fully anyway.

sigh.

but there IS something i can do, i thought.
and i committed to a bone sigh project i've been toying with in my mind.
(more about that later)
i need to DO something.
cause that's how i work.
i can't control anything -
but i can offer what's inside of me.

and that's a start.

the struggle

one of the dark parts of the world landed on me last nite.
one of those 'stories' that's not a story - it's someone's life.
worst of all, it's a child's life.

a child.
one who needs all of us to be our best.
and one who is surrounded by those who don't seem to know their best.

it landed on me and lit my insides on fire.

i think my immediate reaction is always a searching for what i can do to help.

and as i searched, i saw very little that i could do.
and i argued that.
strongly.
back and forth inside myself.
but truth is - there's very little i can do.

as is so often the case.

and that whisper came to me - 'ahhh....yeah....this is the problem with
living with two feet in....this is the problem with an open heart....this is
the struggle that you have no answers for....'

and i wondered if my heart would zip closed again.
i still don't know.
it feels like it's just waiting, zipper ready to close on up,
but just sorta stayin' there, ready. not moving one way or the other.

i lay down and quieted myself.
what is it you're feeling? i asked myself.
i fell asleep looking at my feelings.

i dreamed of some of the people involved.

i woke thinking of it all first thing.

i will exercise a lot of the stress out, but not all of it.
and certainly not the weight of it all.
that just doesn't leave.

i think of the children in the world who are hurt every single day,
over and over again, and how i can't stop it.

and once again i wonder how we're supposed to live here with an open heart
and two feet in.
i have no idea.

but maybe somehow it's because of those very same things i can't bear to see,
maybe in answer to them somehow -
maybe that's the very reason i need to be here with that open heart.

i don't know how to do it when i see this stuff...
i may not know HOW - but i'm beginning to see that maybe that darkness is
the reason WHY. and maybe THAT'S what i can do to help.

it feels too unconnected.
like what difference does it make to the kids all over the world who are hurt?
it doesn't feel enough.
and yet it feels so hard and feels like it will take my all.

and maybe for now, i just have to trust that.

a weekend of moments

there are moments when i'm more aware than others.
not sure what brings those on, or what sparks them....
but i like them - the being aware moments.
cause i catch glimpses of how full life is.
and i think that's a good thing to see -

i think gratitude bubbles up in those moments.
or maybe it bubbles down.
cause it touches something real deep and quiet and important.

it was a weekend of those moments.
it was a weekend of very real human love in so many different forms.
it was a weekend of being aware of the journey of life.

moments stood out in my mind - like the pause as i waited for her answer
if she was doin' okay. the question coming after catching something in her story,
something in her voice.

or the thinking before answering something that i knew was really pulling at them.

their looking at my face to read me, the care in their eyes.

our hug, maybe the first one ever, where we were really saying 'gosh, it's hard
sometimes, but we just keep going.' and knowing we were saying goodbye.

his reaching across and wiping a tear from my face as we drove.

our laughter,
her mushiness,
his kisses,
the water fight,
the kitchen horseplay.

the drives,
the talks,
the understanding and the misunderstanding
the miscommunications,
the missed chances.

and the love.

over and over the love showed up.

the love shows up.

this weekend i showed up as well, and danced with that love.
two feet in, and one heart wide open.

'you've come a long way' he said as the weekend came to a close.
and i nodded.

and with any luck, i've got a long way to go
and a lot more moments to be aware in.

transition rumblings.......

i was workin' away while they were out with a realtor.
had work to do and knew i'd be going out with them later to look at more places.

so was it because i was just naturally tired from work?
maybe because it was after eating a quick lunch while i worked?
or maybe it was fatigue because of what the job was - house hunting for them?
i was quiet and tired.

this wouldn't do, they declared - and stopped to get us all some coffee.

no! it's too late! i protested.
but i was over-ruled and coffee was forcefully handed to me.

it worked.
i perked up.
zakk and i got loud and teased a lot.

and we hunted and looked and got excited about things.
there was some funky fun things we found.
there will be looking more closely and more looking all around.

but it's happening.

and one of these days soon they'll find it.

the ones we were looking at this time were an hour away.
seemed like the end of the world to me.
and just for clarification - it seemed like the end of the world to me
BEFORE i even thought of them living there.
now it really did.

it was fun tho. and a lot of things. and i was glad to be with them searching.

after we got home, i went back to work.
quietly filling an order i was lost in thought.
it will be so different with them gone.
and if they land an hour away.....it will be way different.

every part of me knew it was right and good.
every single part of me.
so i couldn't even argue the point.
that felt good to realize that.

at the same time, a big part of me was sad.
and a little voice deep inside was excited.
and a whole lot of me is just hangin' on for the ride.

i listened to them workin' out in the yard as i worked in my studio.
i looked out the window and saw my really really big boys.
i can still see the kid in them.
and yes, i see the men as well.
i teared up.

hangin' on for the ride -
i like that.
that's what i'm doin'.
and sometimes the coolest part of that is just knowing that you have
no idea how it's gonna be, but you know you want it, so you hang on,
let the wind whip thru your hair, and you scream a bit here and there.......

hmmmm....

something foreign and absolutely wonderful happened to me.
and i'm so hoping this foreign thing becomes part of me!

a little back story first -

i've been so busy tryin' to start a business, and then run a business,
for awhile there i still had to homeschool my sons,
bein a mom and havin' a relationship, that house stuff was pretty much last on
the list of things to take care of.
gardens just had to be last of the last.

i've got a great yard. lotsa space.
and lotsa over-run gardens.

between getting the time, and then trying to avoid the darn poison ivy
that's everywhere, they get overgrown and mostly stay that way.

this year, as therapy, i've decided to work on my house.
gardens included.

and then, any time the guys go out and look at houses (they're trying to find their
own home) - to avoid getting mopey, i've decided to get up and do
something around the house - some home improvement - while they're
out looking.

the other nite i worked on my bathroom.
actually caulked stuff all by myself and did some touch-up painting.

then i painted my shed doors.

and every day i do a little bit of gardening.

there's so much i'll never get done.

and this is where the foreign thing comes in -

normally, the fact that there truly is more than i can do would totally
overwhelm me. i would work really really hard, never get as far as i want,
and feel like i'm just under water with it all, knowing it would never get done.
i'd be discouraged.

that's not happening now.
i go out and garden and yank tons of ivy out and trim and weed
and think 'ANYTHING is an improvement!'
and i feel GOOD about that!

i haven't once said 'ohmygosh, i'll never finish.'

i think i know i just won't.
so it's not even a goal.

therapy is the goal.
being outside.
talking to the plants.
talkin' to myself.
not moping.
making my home my own.
those are all my goals.

never in there is 'to finish.'
that's not even on the table.

and my gosh.......i am loving it.
i don't feel overwhelmed.
each day i feel like i did great because i made some kinda progress.
and any progress feels amazing.
and i feel like i'm making my home my own.

i'm just happy getting out there.
i don't see all the stuff that needs improvements like i always have before.
i don't go outside and see all the things i need to do like i used to.

it used to be i couldn't step outside without seeing something that needed
taking care of.

now i know it all needs taking care of.
so i don't even look.

i see plants that look happy.
i see a green that is so buzzin' with life you can totally feel it.
i feel like the yard is singing to me.
i walk around and love the place.

and i don't care what's right and what's not right.
i'm just happy.
and just so grateful it's mine.

wow.
go figure.

maybe by just changing the goal i can totally change my moods.......
gotta think about this!

shhhh....and then squeal!!!

could it be?!
could it really be?!
the first day of birthday month!

birthday MONTH!

oh yes!

and here's the big news - i am ready to squeal about it, holler it from the rooftops
and play play play with the whole concept!

it's my birthday month!!!

and shhhhhhh.........it has NOTHING to do with my birthday.
well...okay....a LITTLE.

but not really. not mostly.

see.....last year i lost both my sister in law and another friend both
within a week of each other at the end of march. coming home from my
sister in law's funeral, i had a terrible headache.

that nite i got sicker than i've gotten in years.
i remember laying in bed that nite groaning with a high fever.

the losses, the sickness, the grieving led into may and i remember telling
my guy i just wanted to skip my birthday that year. he had only known me
to want to play with my birthday, so i remember the look on his face when
i said that. and i so meant it.

i tried to get into it as i didn't want to worry the guys.
i hammed it up as much as i could.....but i was pretty darn sad.

a year has passed.
and so many things have gone on inside of me.
so many things.

this year i want to play.
i want to live with all i have.
i want to dive in with two feet in and be here and celebrate being here.
and that had nothing to do with my birthday!
i started feeling that again very recently really strongly - before birthday month.

but the timing is perfect!
because now i can squeal and carry on and act like there's a reason
other than the fact that i want to squeal and carry on because i'm happy!
(some people feel better if i squeal for a reason instead of randomly squealing)

when i looked up at my guy the other nite and said 'i am gonna play my
birthday for all it's worth.' i saw the smile in his eyes. and i could almost
hear him thinking 'THERE she is.'

there she is indeed.
i'm here.
and i know what a gift that is.
and i know what gifts my life is filled with.
complete with a guy whose eyes smile when he sees me happy.

AND! all my guys in my life who will indulge me and play along with me.
i woke up to find a message at 12:01 kicking off birthday month from one son,
a silly e-card that's become a tradition around here sent at 12:05 from another son,
i got a snail mail card yesterday from my man, FIRST one ever, celebrating
the upcoming month, and a dear dear friend plays along as well and just sent
me an email with home-made art that made me toss back my head and laugh.
apparently, it's also save the rhino day!  not bad for a kick off, huh?!

i have so much to celebrate......so so much.
this month i'm gonna celebrate it for all i'm worth!
we'll claim it's because it's birthday month.........but shhhhh....now you know
the real reason - it's because i'm healthy, here, full of love, and grateful.

happy day one!