still laughing and picturing his face......

i laughed so hard i had trouble breathing.
he called to tell me the story of the deer running into his car.

no. no. no.
it's not one of those highway stories where you hit the deer
and the deer dies and you almost die and the car is clobbered.

not like that at all.
i honestly wouldn't have laughed over that.

it's the barely moving, truly - BARELY moving  car -
and a deer that looks at you and then rams into your car stories.

only the car is a mini-cooper,
the driver is a stretchy tall son who makes great neck movements
and whose eyes can go really big.
and the deer really must've been having one of those out of control mating season moments.

sooooooooo..............it really was ripe for some good laughter.

when he told me the story, i was on the phone.
i asked him where he was and all that.
i wanted to get the exact picture in my mind.

but ya see......i had it all wrong.
for some reason, i had the deer coming at him on the passenger side.

but it was today that i found out it was the driver's side.

WINDOW.
the driver's side WINDOW.

i can't type this and not laugh.

his WINDOW.

so.
now.
you can imagine how hard i laughed when i thought it was the passenger side
and he said 'i'm so glad i had my window rolled up.'

oh man.
that hit a funny bone.
still does.

but now you can imagine how much harder i laughed when i found out
later it was HIS window side that the deer just ran himself into.
(his horn apparently knocked the side mirror all around!!)
(great squeals of laughter here)

i think maybe it's cause i have three sons.
and maybe it's cause the whole male way seems to run thru all animals -  including the
men i know - and i could just imagine the deer showing his dominance over the mini-cooper.
maybe that's why this cracked me up so much.

but the thing is - i laughed and laughed and laughed.
and am still laughing.

and when that happens i remember how much i need laughter,
how much i love laughter and how vital it is to my life.

THAT is the point of this blog.
laughter.
i forget how much it matters.
i really do.

headin' into a weekend seemed like a good day to remind us all.....
laugh all you can.
it makes a difference!

and, by all means, watch out for the deer this time of year!!!

celebrating the colors

this has been by far the most beautiful fall i can remember.

i thought it was a yellow fall.
and wondered about that.
everything's been really yellow.
i keep commenting on that.
it's made an impression.
i don't remember ever seeing THIS much yellow.
and while i've missed the reds,
the yellows are glorious - and it's been stunning.

and then today, as i was driving, i noticed all the reds startin' up!

'oh wow! look at that!' i said out loud to myself in the car.
'reds!'

i don't remember.
maybe it does this every year.
but i don't think so.
i think we have had one particularly glorious fall here.
and now one color is sliding out and letting another color in.

it's been what i'd call a perfect fall.

and i'm so thankful for it.

seems it's also been a time for wrestling matches inside of myself.
seems if i'm not wrestling with one thing, i'm wrestling with another.
i haven't found my usual solace in my usual spots lately.
life sorta got just a bit outta kilter.
not a ton outta kilter.
but enough to make me a little nuts.
sometimes a little cranky.

except for the fall.

it keeps bringing me back over and over again to the wonder of living.

i remember several times during my life where  i was so sad i never saw the fall.
the days were gray and blurry. heavy.

that's how come i know that life is only a little outta kilter now.
and i know darn well i'm nowhere near that.
and i can still see the fall.
and revel in it.
and let it save me.

i can let it pull me back over and over again to the beauty of living.

celebrating the coming of the reds today.
and toasting the yellows for bursting forth and singing to me.

seasons changing inside and out.....

i had a small window of time,
so i ran outside to take care of the yard a little.
it's outta control -
but wonderfully enough,
that's not bothering me.
i know i'll grab bits here and there.
and it will all be what it will be.
it's a marvelous feeling.
so different than the way i used to be about things.
somehow knowing i have it under control at my own pace.

and so i grabbed one of those bits
and i picked a patch of grass and mowed liked the wind
and then cut down some of the front garden.

all the while the sky was gray,
the wind was blowing,
and the rain was making its way in.
not here yet,
but close by.
there was a briskness to it all -
an aliveness.

as i trimmed down some of the plants in the garden,
i thought of the change of season.

i love those.
i think all of them.
each one.

but this one....as i trimmed........
and thought about it......
well, i realized i felt like a change of season was going on inside of me too.

i could feel some of the same stuff goin' on.

all the things needing tending at once and that outta control feeling.
things needing to get cleared out and straightened up.
wanting to hunker down for winter and get ready to hibernate.

all kindsa things.

i felt so much like the day seemed to feel.

gray, with the wind blowing inside and the rain making its way -
not here yet. just on the outskirts of my mind.
but none of that in any bad way.
more in a dramatic alive kinda way.
a living fully and feeling fully kinda way.
a briskness.

and that same kinda knowing that i'll have things under control at my own pace.
and that it will be what it is.
and that was a wonderful thing.

i headed back inside, back to work with a smile on my face.

i do love the change of seasons.
inside and out.

walkin' away from the wrestling match......

i have been thinking a lot about showing myself, allowing myself to be seen,
actually being seen, not being seen.......all of that........for about a month now.

i'm not sure how much it matters to hide.
grinnin' here........
people mostly don't see you anyway!

you don't have to hide!

but i guess that's the hard part......when you try to show yourself and you
don't feel seen.

that brings out all those issues deep inside.

so lately i've added this to the mix of thoughts -

people are coming from their own place
and that's what's filtering what they're seeing.
for real.
for real.
for real.
for real.

and i swear, when i look back on every incident this past month
where i felt not seen, i see the other person's stuff mixed all over that.

how on earth do we ever get more than glimpses of each other?!

because you know darn well it works both ways.

what we're seeing is filtered by our own stuff.

today, for this moment, i am convinced more than ever to just be myself
and try my hardest to see with as clear filters as i can muster.
and if who i am isn't workin' for someone else,
today, for this moment, i'm really okay with that.

i need to concentrate on being me,
being as healthy as i can,
and making my actions as healthy as i can.

which isn't hiding.
and it isn't bein' someone i'm not.

i feel like i spent a month wrestling with this
and i'm done right now.
i want to just go be me.

pondering

i'm finding my 50's to be a fascinating time in my life.
it's a whole new place -
no one to take care of,
learning to be by myself,
learning who i am.
and learning what life really is.

i'm thinking life's  not at all what i thought it was.
it really isn't.
or maybe a better way to say that is that life doesn't work the way i thought it did.

i thought it was easier than it is.
well......when i was younger i did.
as i've grown i've gradually seen more and more that it's not easy.

so i thought it was easier.
i was way wrong about that.

but what's kinda interesting is that i've always thought it was deep and full.
always thought that.
and was right about that.

but i don't think i understood what 'deep and full' really were.
as i've aged, i have an understanding of those meanings that i didn't when i was young.
is that a direct correlation to the not easy part that's also come clear?
i'm thinking it is.

i'm thinking there's a beauty in 'not easy' that i'm just barely beginning to see.
that maybe when i look back years from now, i'll know well.

sometimes i grumble and say if i was in charge of this world, i'd make things
a lot easier......perhaps if i really understood, i wouldn't.

a great line...

someone wrote me a great email yesterday.
and in it was the line of lines that i needed to see -

she wrote - 'life is as only as hard as i let it be.'

oh man.
i totally agree.

and i hate that.
and i love that.

and i make it way harder so so often.

i wanted to leave a line here for us to carry into the weekend.
and i just thought this was perfect.

tuck this one in your pocket this weekend and see what it brings you...

this day's for me

i'm thinking maybe there's something to be said for having the world
rotate around you.

that maybe there's times that's a really good idea.

i took another walk this morning!
and i felt like the morning was putting on a show just for me.
when i walked by the magnificent magnolia tree around the corner,
i looked up at it with such admiration.
and there i spotted it!
way up high.
one single flower.

it's way past time for their flowers, ya know?
but there was one.

and i stopped and just looked up at it and just soaked it in.
i knew it was for me.

every time i looked out the window, i knew my yard was offering its
colors to me. when i drove down the road, it was such a beautiful fall day,
i knew it was here for me.

and i felt like i kept getting handed the most amazing gifts.
and i truly truly felt what a glory it was to be alive.

yeah, i know.
the world doesn't REALLY rotate around me.
but it made me feel so good today to just pretend.

my mood has been great all day.
and i think this whole attitude has been a big part of that.

today is mine.
for me.
and i'm claiming it.
and loving it!

their kindness lives on

two men i knew briefly many years ago both passed away recently.

they were as different as night and day.
one was rich.
one spent his life living on a shoe string.

one was humble.
one not so much.

one was well educated.
one not so much.

but both had kindness in them.
and i witnessed that kindness first hand.

last nite, i was workin' on a creative project and thinking.
and i got to thinking about these two guys.
and of course, because no matter what,
death always seems to bring me back to the same question -
'what's it all about, terri?'

i thought about what i knew about these guys.
and what of that did i care about?
what made a difference to me?
what was left of them in me now?

and hands down, it was their kindnesses.

so.
yeah.
i got kindness matters.
and lives on.

but this time i got one step further....and i liked it -

what makes you kind?
what gives you the ability to be kind?
what keeps you open enough to be kind?
what keeps you thoughtful enough to be kind?

it has to be all about not hardening your heart, doesn't it?
the more open your heart is, the more kind you are?
i'm thinking so.
because what stops you from being kind?
harsh thoughts.
self centeredness.
all that stuff.

so,yeah, kindness matters.

but kindness is a byproduct of keeping your heart open and soft.

and THAT is no easy task in every day living.

i still don't know what it's all about.
guess i won't ever.
but this does make me see what i want to strive for -
and it does make me see the things i want to avoid.

and that in itself is helpful to me.

their kindness lives on.
that is such an awesome beautiful thing, isn't it?

definitely something to keep in mind......

a morning walk!

i went for a morning walk today!
it's been some time since i did that.
but there are some mornings it just can't be helped.
and i hope to be adding more of those mornings to my life.
i've missed the walks so much.

i joked with a sweet young guy waiting for his school bus,
and laughed when a couple walked by me and the man stopped,
looked at me and exclaimed 'where you been?!'

passing them again later, we stopped and chatted for a few minutes.

look at that.
i have a neighborhood.
and i was even missed.

i stopped awhile ago as it wasn't feeling safe.
this morning tho, it felt like my neighborhood.
and it felt wonderful.

i watched the sky go from dark to day break.
just like it used to.
it hasn't changed.
altho, it changes every single day.
i love that.

i thought of the advice from my tree this weekend (see blog post below)
the 'claim your presence' part of the advice.
that's what it felt like.
like i was claiming that.

and it really felt good.

walking briskly in the chilly air, face upturned to the sky,
i claimed my presence.

now. i just gotta keep doin' that.
over and over again.
until i stop letting it slip from my hands.

maybe the walks, whenever i take them, will be reminders now.
maybe we can all find our reminder spots and use them to keep claiming our presence.
over and over again. til we get the hang of this advice from a tree!

tree whispers

it was a healing weekend for me.
a wonderful healing gorgeous fall weekend.

on saturday i got to go sit with my goddess tree.

she's a huge old white oak.
thick and gnarled and full of wisdom.

i actually brought my stethoscope with me.
and it never even occurred to me to listen to HER heart.
(next time for sure!)
after greeting her, talking to her a bit,
touching her trunk, admiring her leaves,
i sat down, leaned my back against her, and listened to my heart.
i felt the breeze and soaked up her energy and some words of wisdom
that she whispered my way.
way wonderful.

and it seemsed to be the start of some much needed shift inside me.
the next day i spent almost the entire day outside.
that in itself did me a world of good.
add a much needed healing conversation in the sun,
and it was just what i needed.

i'll be workin' with the thoughts from my tree today.
thought i'd share them here to start with .

..........

'how do i be me?' she asked the tree,
and she heard its whisper -
'listen to the beat of your heart,
stand tall in your roots,
with your arms stretched to the sky
as you claim your presence.
and you'll know there's nothing else
for you to do but to be you.'

a thought for my pocket

so i blogged about ed yesterday.
and my tryin' to honor his passing in my heart.
and there was a comment left last nite
signed 'ed.'

you wanna bet i didn't do a triple take on that one?!

it made me stop in my tracks.

i love stuff like that because it so quickly brings me to the limitless possibilities
that  are around us every day that i know i never come close to seeing.

i stopped and gasped and wondered.
and then laughed.
and wondered some more.

diane had mentioned the dolphins in her comment,
and my mind immediately leaped to ed.
making me gasp with the possibility that ed was somehow part of all that.

do i believe that?
nah.
not really.
not in a specific way.
maybe in some round about energy way.
i don't know...
but i love to hold it.
it makes me cry (in a good way) to hold it.
cause who knows, right?

and i love to hold beautiful ideas like that.

it's a choice we have, isn't it?
what we choose to hold.
what we choose to wonder about.
what we choose to look for.

the comments yesterday reminded me of that.

and that's with everything.

it's with how we view people around us,
how we react to things,
how we open to life.

i'm tuckin' that in my pocket right now and carrying that thought with me today.

ed

there was a special reason i had to get to the beach.
i mean, let's face it - it'd been too long.
and i wanted to go because i missed it and i wanted to see it.
but there was something else tugging at me. and i think it was the
final push that got me there.

ed.

we lost ed in the spring.
i blogged about it.

an older gentleman
with quite a story.

really rough family history that included growin' up a large part
of his childhood in an orphan's home even tho his parents were
living and his sister was still at home.

that right there sets a tone of a lot of the stories he had.

he spent a whole lot of his life on the ocean.
joined the merchant marines and spent years and years out there.
even thru multiple wars.

multiple wars.

i can't even imagine.

the ocean meant more to him than i think i will ever understand.
somehow it was home.
and in a way i think it was family too.
not sure how to explain it.
but i know that's where he felt he belonged.

so much so, that he defied his religion at the end,
and asked to be buried at sea.

when he died, he died alone.
way alone.
it broke my heart how he died.
he really didn't have much family.
and there wasn't any kind of service for him.

and i don't know......
i'm not big into services......but i'm big into honoring.
and i couldn't let the honoring go by.

i wanted to just go to the ocean and think of him.
hold him close, think of him out there in that vastness and honor him.

i took some pictures of the ocean. thinking i'll make some art with them for him.
and remembered i had made him his own bone sigh years ago.
i brought it home with me after he died.

i pulled it out when i got home.
i think i will end up making it a card.
just because.

when i read the quote i had written for him, i cried.
i needed to see it.
i have berated myself several times since his death.
wishing i had done more.
but when i found that art piece i had made him,
i knew that i had given him the gift of someone wanting to see,
and someone caring.

i know i could have done more.
but i also know i did something good.

we all deserved to be known.
and remembered.

how many of us are just never seen?
never honored?

it's so hard to pay attention and offer the willingness to look with each other,
but i am convinced it's the best gift we can ever give.
and i am convinced it's something i'll need reminding of over and over again.
and it is something i want to keep trying to do.


'they don't know anything about me,' he said.
and she wanted to know him more.
for he was a hidden treasure -
even from himself...but she saw his glimmer -
and smiled.'

dolphins too!

it was so quick,
most people wouldn't be hollerin' about it -
but i can't help it.
yesterday i got to spend a couple of hours at the beach.

it's been well over TEN years since i've been there.
and it's been calling me for a few years now really strongly.
finally, i swore, even if it was just a few hours, i was getting there.

and that's exactly what i pulled off.

and oh man.
am i glad i did.

i went with my son.
so it was a nice chance to spend some time with him as well.

and it was the perfect, perfect day for it.

i smiled so big when we turned onto that beach and my son
said with awe in his voice 'i didn't realize how beautiful it was.'

it was so beautiful i didn't feel like i could hold it all.
but i was sure gonna try.

years and years ago when we used to go,
we'd see the dolphins in the late afternoon.
i would get so excited when that happened.

i figured i wouldn't see them this time as we weren't there long
and would be leaving too early.

i told myself something was better than nothing,
and maybe i'd catch them next time.

and then the most wonderful thing happened.
we were walking.
steadily walking along with the ocean to our left.
we looked down the beach and down at the water coming in at our feet.
but weren't looking over to our left.

and then,
for some reason i stopped and turned to the water.
there was no thinking involved.
i just stopped and turned.
my son turned with me
and there they were.
the dolphins!

honest to pete, it looked like we knew what we were doin'.
like we knew they'd be there.

which totally added to the magic for me.

i clapped and was so excited.
it wasn't until i was an adult that i saw dolphins at the beach.
and that feels like the biggest gift ever to get to see them swim by.
and here they were.
again!
after all these years.
just waiting for me.

they do their little divin' up and down stuff and are just so awesome to watch.

i just couldn't believe it.

there they were swimming in that vastness.
it's just overwhelming to me sometimes.
the beauty of the earth.

i have a thing for the sky.
its vastness captures my imagination.
that's what the ocean did for me yesterday.
it was like another sky.

there was the sky sky.
and the ocean sky.
and the sky inside me.

and yesterday, on that beach, they all mixed together and sent me soaring.
divin' up and down and playing in the vastness.

kinda like a dolphin.

i gotta keep practicing....

i was just emailing a friend and heard myself talk as i typed her.
i was tellin' myself something i needed to hear.

i can be exuberant and incredibly loving,
and while that may sound like a good thing,
sometimes it's a bit over the top for people.

it's been a lifetime of struggling with that.
i don't want to change it.
but then again.....sometimes i do.
cause it's hard to gauge.
and sometimes people just aren't wanting it.
or don't know how to react to it.
and then it sparks a lot of inner doubt and all that stuff.

i've been doin' quite a dance with all that lately.
it's like a loose cannon inside me.
sometimes a big ol' cannon ball of over-the-top enthusiasm will explode.
and then i see what happened, and that maybe it wasn't exactly what people were expecting
and i try to throw a table cloth over the cannon. pretend it never happened.

huh?
what cannon?

grin.

it can cause quite the conflict inside me.

i recently had an idea of something i want to gift someone i've never met.
and well.....um......i spose it could be considered over the top.

and so when i realized that, i hesitated.
maybe i shouldn't do it.
even tho it's completely loving and from the heart.
maybe i just shouldn't.
maybe i should just be safe and skip it.

and then as i was emailing my friend and telling her about it,
it occurred to me that i needed to follow thru with giving the gift.
even if it might be perceived different than i intend.
who can tell?
but.....i found myself typing out that i didn't want to stifle my spirit.
that i wanted to give the gift even more now just to kinda tell myself
that it's okay to be loving and to give from the heart.

how could that not be okay?
well.
it's not okay cause i get my feelings hurt or feel like i don't belong
or feel just plain ol' icky funky. and then i get down on myself.

but maybe it's more important to me right now to make a statement
to myself than to be safe.

i think it is.

and so i will try.

i wanna get to where i can let those cannon balls of love fly
with all they got and hold with kindness any reactions they may bring.
kindness towards others, of course.
but oh my gosh, kindness towards me is the challenge.
i'm thinking i just gotta practice.

resetting the clocks, and resetting my heart

our power had gone off and on again.
just enough to mess up the clocks.
if i had been thinking, i woulda realized her clocks were messed up too.
but it's one of those things i take for granted......reset the clock and keep goin'.

so when she hobbled around from the back corner of my house
as i was loading up stuff in my car, i wasn't expecting her at all.
she has a way of slipping up on me.
and while not that old, there's something ancient and other world looking
about her.
she startled me.
i screamed.
she jumped.
we both laughed.

and then i silently thanked god i didn't just kill her with all that craziness.

i walked her home as she explained she needed help.
the clocks.

of course.
i reset her clocks.

but no, nothing's that easy.

i could feel myself tense up as i walked in and she started asking me
questions that weren't going to be able to be answered in any way that
worked for her.

i fidgeted while she explained to me some of her paranoid thoughts.
i evaded answering as my answers seem to make her anger surge.

i tried to recall the helpful tidbits i had just read about when dealing
with people with alzheimer's and i felt very lucky that this was one
of her better moments and while not smooth, it wasn't gonna be awful.

we sat and talked a bit.
i worked hard at keeping it light.

but i swear, every single time i interact, there's such a heaviness inside.

she has provided tremendous food for thought for me.
and been the source of many tears,
even as i tell myself we've only just begun -
and the hard part is yet to come.

while having coffee with my girlfriends this morning,
we talked of how important it was to ponder what we wanted out of life,
to live so that we wouldn't regret.

as i walked back home, i thought of that conversation.
and i thought about the once so fiercely independent woman i had just
left who could barely function, who hobbles now instead of walks and who
has no clue how to reset a clock anymore - and no way to ever reset her life.

it's the start of a weekend.
there will be family time for me.
time alone with the man i love.
and time alone with myself.
all chances to be love with all i can be.

i want to be the woman who fiercely loved.
who fiercely lived.
i'm reminded how quickly it goes right now.
and i'm gonna enter my weekend with all i got.

mowing therapy

i ran out to mow the yard today.
didn't have a lotta time,
but figured i'd just whoosh thru it.

well as i was whooshin' thru the part that's hardest for me -
it's this little drainage ditch by the street...
and i was pushin' that mower up the tiny little slant that feels like a darn mountain to me,
i suddenly was mad.

just plain mad.

and i took that mower and man, i pushed that everywhere it needed to go
with great gusto as i let the anger run thru me.

i was mad at life.
mad that it was so darn hard sometimes.
mad that everyone carried around so many issues that just burdened them
and weighed them down.

mad that it wasn't easier.

mad.
mad.
mad.

and i mowed, baby.
man, i mowed.

and then......after i let out a lotta energy,
other things crept in -
like my wonderful dentist i visited that morning.
a really good guy.
i thought of one of his stories and smiled.
i thought of his super kind wife.
more smiling.

i thought of something loving my guy had said.

i noticed the leaves on the ground,
looked up at the trees and the beautiful day.

okay.
okay.
i could feel all the mad giving way to believing that it's all worth it.

even when it's hard.
even when everyone i know is battling demons
and it doesn't seem like anyone gets an easy ride.
even when i just wish it was easier for every single person i know.

sigh.

by the time i was done,
i was tired, hungry, and much more okay with life.
it's not easy, but yeah, it's so worth it.

nothing like a little mowing therapy.....

a new tehcnique...

i had an encounter recently with a woman who treated me in a way i have
never ever experienced before.

it wasn't good.
it pretty much sucked.

but the beautiful thing was that i was removed enough from her not to be affected
or to have my feelings hurt. so i could look at it and try to figure it out. try to
see what on earth was going on.

but i was still stuck.
i couldn't figure it out.

and then i decided to write about her.
and to do that, i had to look closely at her.
and in doing that, i felt so much compassion.
i could see how some of her unhealed wounds were pulling her under
in a way that affected her whole life.

the more i wrote, the more compassion i felt.

i've always believed that if we understand something or someone that's hurt us/
'wrong us'/or done something that feels weird, we'd find compassion. but sometimes
i couldn't figure the stuff out. just too darn confusing.

this was such a great opportunity as the feeling of being 'removed' made it a lot easier.
the writing about her was a new technique that really worked well.
how could i write from the heart without trying to see hers?

wow.
who knew?

and the thing is, i don't think we have to be 'writers' to do this.
i think anyone can do this.
and i'm thinking it could really make a difference.

thought it'd be fun to toss out here!

workin' on it.......

'life just hurts sometimes, doesn't it?'

that's one of the first things i said today.
it was aimed to kinda hold someone's sadness.
but when i said it, i just really felt how true it was.

cause it's a sadness that may not work itself out to any pretty ending.
i know those.
i think we all do.
those are hard sadnesses to hold.
they're heavy and always seem to echo thru our bones.

just a few minutes after that i was listening to a song about the
awesomeness of just being alive. it filled me with gratitude for being here.

later, i sat with a cup of tea looking out my window at the soft gray autumn day.

it seemed to hold it all - the hurt and sadness, the wonder and beauty -
the depth of being alive.

i've been in an interesting spot lately.
it started when i listened to my heart that nite, (there's a blog here somewhere
about that) - it truly has seemed to change something in me.
kinda turned the direction of wanting to be whole and healthy really full tilt
into deeply wanting to live that and trying to back that up with my actions
and thoughts.

i keep surprising myself by the earnest dedication going on.
that's been easiest to see in my eating choices, and exercise choices.
but there's more -
it's in my listening/looking/holding choices.

i keep trying to hear better.......
i keep trying to see the mix - the hurt and the joy -
i keep trying to hold life with a reverence and know that it's only
for a short time that i get to explore.

it's only for a short time.
and it's so full of so much.
i want to hold all that i can.
and it's occurring to me that the only way i can really really do that
is to be as healthy as i can in mind, body and spirit.

what a cool reason to want to get healthier......

a reminder

got a call recently from a customer who was reading 'the fabric of her dancing shoes.'
she really liked the whole inner child stuff that's in the book.

when she told me of this, i could totally hear it in her voice.
there was a part of her inside that was ready to be noticed and worked with -
and loved.

i know that not everyone is into the concept.
i realize that and respect that.
it's not for everyone.

but for a whole lot of us, it's incredibly important.

i really do believe our small child selves live in so many of us.

even with my knowing that, i put it aside way too often and forget about it.
and sometimes when i'm out of sorts, you'd think by now i'd check in and see
if that part of me is okay. but nope. i still forget all the time.

i've been thinking of this woman ever since we talked.
i've been remembering her voice and how it sounded when she said
she knew she had an inner child. her voice was so full of the feeling that
'now is the time, i cannot wait any longer. i must connect with her.'

i wanted to put a reminder out today.
because it's all too easy to forget that part of us.

if you haven't ever explored to find out if you feel like you have an
inner child, i wanted to nudge you to check into it.
i had never even heard of it years and years ago when several different
people mentioned it to me.
never even thought about it.
and then bam......now i wonder how i honestly couldn't have known!

and if you do think you have one, when was the last time you checked
into that part of you to see how you were feeling? when was the last time
you checked in with that part of you to offer your love and caring?

seemed like an important thing to offer today.

an angel at my doorstep

she's got alzheimer's.

bad.

i'm just on the side lines.

no voice in anything.

just standing around the edges.

only touching in here and there.

and still, i find it one of the hardest things i've ever experienced.

there is no safe spot with this.

no solid ground anywhere.

there is no certain way to act to keep her happy.

seems everything i do makes her cranky.

the person i once knew is gone.

and any real communicating now seems impossible.

and then there's a good day.

when that's all changed.

and my head whirls. 

there's some relief.

i think maybe it's gonna be okay for a little while.

and then poof.

back to it.

paranoia.

anger.

ugliness.

and heartbreak.

last nite, after a frustrating round,

i hung up the phone and tried to keep from falling apart.

i was in the middle of filling an order.

so i went back to it.

with quite the renewed energy.

all the pent up stress was coming out as i packed.

i talked out loud to myself.

telling myself i handled that wrong.

telling myself i handle it wrong every time.

telling myself that's because there is no 'right' way that's going to make this okay.

the whole thing feels wrong.

reminding myself i'm doing my best and that my heart is still open.

my dreams were weird and disturbing.

this morning on the treadmill, i moved with a vigor that only happens

when life gets to be too much for me and i have to move out some of that energy.

but sitting and looking out the window just now,

for this moment at least,

i know without a doubt this is something that's gonna grow me in a way i need to be grown.

there is no solid ground.

nothing makes sense.

if that's how i feel,

i can't even imagine how she feels.

i have always wanted to grow strong enough to stay open in the midst of the

ugly. to keep loving when it felt pointless, to believe in my actions even when

they didn't make sense to anyone else, and to hold compassion even when it felt

too exhausting.

i have a feeling i'm sitting in a classroom right now

and that this is truly just elementary school.

i know bigger lessons await me in all this. and in the course of my life.

so i'm thinking i need to dig in, pay attention, and try my best.

here's an angel at my doorstep,

beckoning me to grow.

packing an order just now,
i stopped and read this bone sigh.

had to post it here. it goes so well with the blog beneath this one!

can you read it?
you can click here to find it bigger......

quoting my buddy today.....

there's a couple of threads i've been workin' on inside myself
for a few weeks now.

they're leaking out in the blog, of course.
and it looks like the main one that keeps coming up is
showing up and offering who you are.
knowing that you are the gift.

sounds so obvious, doesn' it.

but shoot - not always as easy as it sounds, is it?

it's one of those times for me where i keep trying to own it,
and then i keep getting challenged on my belief in it.
you know how it goes....
one of those learning spurts that keeps boppin' you,
keeping you paying attention and working on it.

so to remind myself and anyone else in the same spot this morning,
i shouted out a reminder on facebook - just something about remembering
you're the gift.

and my buddy, les, made the most perfect comment.
and i'm gonna be bold here and put it here without even asking him!
(smiling at ya, les....)

he said....and i quote -

'If someone rejects the offer of the love based gift of 'you'
they might be, actually, rejecting themself. Keep the offer open.'

awesome, huh?

i've been thinking about that a lot since he commented.
and i've been thinking of some other reasons why we can feel like
our gift isn't being received.

between our own stuff, the other person's stuff, and communication,
well, there can be a lotta reasons.

i love what les wrote.
and i thought it was worth sharing.

to really believe we are the gift -
and to know that our offering it is the best thing we can do -
for ourselves and those around us -
well, for me, it's a work in progress.

bone sighs have taught me so much about offering myself.
but apparently, i've got a bit more work to do.

'keep the offer open' les says.

i love that part.

and it may be one of the hardest things ever to do.
but gosh, what a great thing to work on!