really truly need to retain this one.....

last saturday nite i was left alone with one of my sons.
we smiled when we realized we were unsupervised -
and we headed out to get junk food.

ohmygosh.
i want to say it was a mistake,
but actually, it was a good thing,
i just totally felt like i poisoned myself that nite.
oh man.
i could just feel it.
and i really got to thinking about that.
and it inspired really healthy eating since then!
i have been a health nut all week.
and i feel so good.

i've been eating right and exercising right.
and i can feel it in my mood, my movements, my living.

why oh why oh why oh why don't i stick with this???

i am so conditioned that 'fun' is the junk food -
when truly i'm so much more fun when i'm healthy.

i thought i'd type about it today to reinforce it in myself.
to remember next time i wanted to grab some snacks to add
to the fun - to just REMEMBER THIS!
it feels good when i feel good.
life feels good when i feel good.
i feel good when i'm healthy.

hello, terri.
can you please remember this?!

who you've become

ha!
i just unplugged a massive amount of cords that went into a battery backup.
as soon as i turned the backup off, everything went out.
computer, printer, phone, light.
everything.

bam.

hmmmm....

you can do this, ter.
i breathed a bit faster as i was nervous.
if i couldn't put it back together, i was stuck as no one is around right now.

it's right in the middle of a work day.
a bit dumb on my part....

but as you can see, i'm up and running.

ha!
ha!

there was a time i wouldn't have even tried.

last nite i moved a four drawer filing cabinet up three steps
and across my house. got a dolly and a ramp.

again.....there was a time i wouldn't have even tried.

someone told me this morning that i've changed a lot and i can
handle the changes in my life now because of that.

i liked that.

i forget i change and grow.
i forget i learn.
i doubt myself.
i fear my own weaknesses and lose track of my strengths.

i'm thinking i'm not the only one.

look back ten years.
where were you?
how much stronger are you?
what all have you learned?
how many areas have you incorporated what you've learned?

when you're afraid, is it ultimately your own abilities you're doubting?
look back.
see.
own what you've become.
own who you've become.

quote of the day

i was having a low moment about humanity this morning.
when, without knowing this, a friend dropped me a note.
it was spurred on by the bone sigh quote of the day she got -

'it is in the act of allowing good things to come in 
that lives are transformed.'

she wrote with several examples of that happening in her life or around her.
they were striking to me.
and, yes, i cried.

the timing was perfect.
and i decided to focus on generosity today as one of her stories was filled with generosity.

i decided to quietly be generous today.

in my line of work, there are plenty of opportunities. so it's easy finding the chances.
but the looking for them and the grabbing them with joy - this has turned my day around.

and then i realized........that's it -
that's the bone sigh today -

allow good things to come in and transform your life.

um.
hello terri.

maybe i need to remember that on days humanity bums me out.
and maybe i need to remember that *i* am humanity.

newsletter

our newsletter went out today.
it took me a long time to put it together.
i wanted to honor a friend i lost, but wasn't sure how.
mixed that in with mother's day and got a weird mish mash of life.

if you don't get it emailed to you, and would like to see it,
you can find it here.

and if you'd like to get them emailed to you in the future -
(they come out once a month and we do nothing else with your email addy)
you can find the sign up link here.

and the world keeps spinning....

had a great talk with the guys today
as usual, the topics ran all over the place.
it even makes us laugh at how sidetracked we can get.

but one of the topics we hit on was how the world goes on
even when we're not here.

how strange that is.

it just keeps going.

we talked of how it's so important to do what you love and care about.

i was struck with this years and years ago when a family friend died.
we took care of his stuff.
i remember picking up the couple of boxes of stuff from his work.
and that was it.
work kept going.
even tho he didn't.

that thought comes back over and over again.

what do you lose yourself in?
what do you give your time to?
it seems like a really important thing to ask yourself now and again.

the world's gonna keep spinning without us.
so it seems to make sense that we should really love what we spend our time on.

a nice thing to reflect upon as the weekend approaches......

sharing ann

i wanted to share ann today.
i really love and admire this woman.

and i thought this was so important i needed to share it.

she writes of her own experience with rape.
she's been raped twice.
once was 'stranger rape.'
once was 'acquaintance rape.'

if you have triggers that would be set off reading about this subject,
i would pass.

otherwise it seemed important to share and to keep the conversations going.

i applaud ann's honesty and willingness to share.
that is so needed.
along with the listening and understanding and willingness to sit
with these things and really hear and see.

you can find ann here.

tickled!

this tickled me to no end.
it's our new homepage.

again?! you ask.
grin.
YES!

this one's for mother's day.
and zakk put it together for me.

and while i know not everyone is a huge mother's day fan -
this will still make you smile!

i totally had to share.

come check it out here.

a plan

i was having a conversation about fully living the other day.
i'm good at diving into moments and delighting in them and that kinda thing.
and yeah, it's nice to see where i do good.
but where is it i stumble?
where is it i can strengthen to help the whole living full stuff.

well, that wasn't too hard to find!

where i get in trouble is when i react to someone around me.

maybe someone around me isn't diving into those moments with me.
maybe they're not caring about those moments.
or maybe they're short with me or something that doesn't fit what i'm feeling.

that's when i get into trouble.

doesn't matter who it is........it's how i react.

i can go down a number of different paths -
i can question what i've done, was i in the way?
that's a big one for me. that comes up pretty darn quickly.
i can question why it is that they're missing something so wonderful.
i can question this and i can question that.
and pretty soon.....i've lost the living fully and have landed into a sea of doubt.

it's amazing how i can create self-doubt out of most anything.

that's where i get in trouble - my reactions to those not reacting in a way that
feels right to me.

laughing here.
and i can so obviously see that if i just concentrate on me
and my own stuff, and let everyone else react to life any ol' way they want,
well, then, i can go about my business of living fully.

a no-brainer yes.
but way easier said than done for me.

i like seeing it tho.
i'm seeing it clearly.

i react.
a lotta times i just react.

and there's some great quote about that that i can't remember......
something about living and not reacting.
too bad i can't remember 'cause it'd fit great here.
grin.

but you get the idea.
to live fully you can't be reacting to everyone around you.
you gotta live fully.

and that's where i stumble.
so i'll be watching that now.......
and i think to recover i just need to go dive in again.
to know i'm being distracted and get back to focusing fully on living.
i have to actually put all that doubt down and go dive back into life.

maybe i could say i have a plan -
i'll be reacting to my reacting.

some sky thoughts...

                        'she wasn't exactly sure how it worked -
                                    but somehow she knew -
                                      the sky in all its depth

and wisdom

and delight 

and strength

and glory

was way up high

above her

and also

way down deep 

inside her.

looking up 

was like

looking in.

she loved that.'

............

'way up high

in the clouds

everything made sense.

it was peaceful

and playful all at once.

god was obviously everywhere.

and the only thing

one could be

preoccupied with

was

delight.'

cleaning and living

i got up early to go clean.
i don't remember ever doing that before.
i had planned on getting it all done last nite,
didn't,
so got up and figured i'd tackle it.
needed to get it out there for trash pick up.

it's my attic.
cleaning it out.
as much as i can possibly clean.
getting rid of everything i need to get rid of.
everything.

so much so that i went out and asked the trash guys if they
needed a hand with all the trash i put out there!

this is more than spring cleaning,
it's making room for a new phase in my life.
it's getting rid of my past.

there were donation piles, trash piles, giveaway piles,
piles of piles.

there's something about that kinda cleaning.
where you pick up something you were sure you could never
let go of, and you're perfectly okay with letting it go.

i saw how far i'd come and how much i had changed
and how little the need to hang on was in me.

i liked that.
specially with all the living fully thinking i've been doin' lately.

living fully isn't about hanging on.
it can't be.
cause when you do that, your hands are too full,
your life is too cluttered to have room for the new things awaiting you.

i've got one more big cleaning project ahead of me.
and i'm actually looking forward to it.

living fully isn't about hanging on.
it's about making room
and dancing with the open space of possibilities!

stumbling into brilliance.

i did something brilliant without even meaning to.....

i named my biggest wind chime i've got 'god.'
cause it sounds so beautiful.
and every time i hear it i think 'that's god.'
and every time i think that, i just smile all the way thru.

well......i decided that every single one of my wind chimes should be named god.
and i have a few wind chimes!

i was out in my garden today.
had ten minutes between things so i ran out to get some weeds up.
the wind was so perfectly gentle and delicious,
it blew thru my hair and i just closed my eyes and felt it.
and that's when i noticed......

the wind chimes,
several of them.
singing and dancing and delighting me all at once.

i smiled and thought 'god's here.'

i honestly think naming them that was one of the most brilliant things i've ever done.

perspective comes thru again...

sometimes you just hit those incoherent moments with people.
where you're tryin' to say something - sometimes something mundane
and ordinary, sometimes something close to your heart -
doesn't matter what cause it's just not getting comprehended.
sometimes i hit those moments, sometimes i hit strings of those moments.

this time tho, because i've got the whole 'living fully' thing on my mind,
i realized -
doesn't matter.
the point is that i care about whoever i'm talking about.
they gettin' that?
good.
then it's okay.
we'll figure the rest out later.

i like this perspective stuff.
too bad it's so easily lost.
for now tho.......i'm lovin' it.

incredible

one of the daughter's of my friend who recently passed posted this poem today.
on top of it being an incredible poem, i found a new poet!

i wanted to offer this to all who are grieving, and all who have grieved.
guess that's all of us, huh?
this one's for us......

(you can click on her name to get to her website!)

The Thing Is

by Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

adding bumps to the plan

ha! i was so psyched.
as noted in the blog before this.
it's easy!
just do it!
make your life what you want it to be.
create your surroundings.

i headed off into my friday and weekend with that in mind.

oh yeah.
yeah.
yeah.

easy.

riiiiiiiiiight.

except for the fact that your life that you're creating includes OTHER PEOPLE.
and those other people aren't always on the same page as you.
different moods, different things goin' on,...just different.

and not always a different that feels good.

sigh.

it didn't take me past saturday afternoon to feel pretty much like
i completely flopped on this great plan of mine.
and i was discouraged.

seriously?
that didn't take long.

but truly, how do you do this when it includes others?

it totally makes sense if you're on your own.
no one else involved.
yeah.
you can navigate your own moods and your own stuff.

but life without people isn't really life, is it?

the problem is, it's those other people who are involved who can give life
so much meaning and can at the same time make such bumps in the road.
if you hit enough bumps in a row, it certainly can feel like you're goin' in
the wrong direction.

thing is.....and i had to figure this out...
that's not true.
about the wrong direction.
if they mean a lot to you and they're a big part of what brings beauty to your life,
then even when the bumps are bumping....deep down....
deep down.......it's all part of what you're trying to create.
they are part of it.
moods, quirks, lives of their own, all of it.

and actually, the knowing that and loving them with the moods, quirks
and lives of their own.....well, that deepens the journey and IS totally going
in the right direction.

so that all made it so i had to add another part to the plan -
love them.
love them with all you have
believe in your plan
keep creating your life
love yourself
and keep going.

and remember that creating the life that you want has got to include bumps.
it doesn't mean life is all prettiness.
it means life is full.
full.
and last i knew, full included bumps.

lessons

so all the lessons that surface when someone passes are surfacing for me.
perspective comes into focus and i really sit with thinking about what matters.

one of the things i realized is that for as hard as it was,
for all the darkness and heartache,
for all the friends and family that i lost,
for all the judgments and hurt,
i am so grateful i braved getting a divorce and venturing out on my own.

i am so grateful i claimed my life.

that's really good for me to see.
there was a tremendous amount of guilt flung on me,
and a tremendous amount of guilt i flung on myself.

and i really see clearly right now how important it was that i chose what i chose.

when it's all over, who did you live for?
how real did you live?
and how true were your relationships?
how honest was your life?

if someone ever says at my funeral 'she was the love of his life' -
i want it to really truly have been the healthy all of me who was the love
of someone's life. and i want that love to have been healthy and strong.

if someone ever says 'she lived fully with all she had' -
i want that to be honest true to my heart living. not the living what
i thought other people wanted kinda living.

and i see how hard it is to claim that and then to maintain it.
it's certainly something to always always be working at.

i have no idea what's beyond this life.
all i know is what's here.
and i know what it's like to live in denial and for other people's expectations,
and i know what it's like to claim yourself for real.

reaching for my honest self over and over matters so much to me.
and i'm reminded again that the work to do so is truly worth it.
and in the end, that's what will matter to me.

i feel a renewed strength to work even harder at it.
and to really pay attention to what i do with my moments.
a good place to be as i head into the weekend......

sharing something beautiful...

from mark nepo and his book, 'the endless practice.'

'The journey of living requires us not just to understand, but to enter.
Transformation begins when we stop watching. To enter requires us to
touch and open seeming opposites, the way we would open ancient carved
doors, reading the markings of those who've come before. This is the deeper
work of experience. Life is full of opposites, contradictions and painful
tensions - full of paradox. And try as we do to sort these tensions, to pull
them apart and understand , to solve them, to keep them at bay - none of
that works. It seems the only way to open the doors of paradox is with a soft
heart. When we receive completely, the indivisible world receives us, the
way water accepts whatever falls into it; the way oceans let everything
settle on their bottom.'

sharing...

my head is full of pollen today.
my ear is clogged up.
feels like a bear is asleep in my head.
i am pretty much useless in the thinking department!

but! i can share with the best of 'em!

i saw this on facebook - and thought it was totally something to share today.

"Losing my religion for equality" from Jimmy Carter.

beauty

i got to go to my favorite hiking spot on easter.

it is truly one of the most beautiful places ever.
i think the whole trail is just over 4 miles,
and almost all of it is walking by the water thru the woods.

there was more water flowing this time than i'd ever seen there before.
and it was just incredible.
tons of little waterfalls, along with a couple of big ones,
and each one had its own special sound.

at one point, i lagged behind the others and just stood and
soaked it all in. i thought of my friend who isn't here to see it.

i figure wherever she is, it's okay with her that she's not seein' it.
she's prolly busy floating in love and light.
but for me, from where i am, she's missing out on something so amazing.
it's something i can't quite take apart.
the belief that it's okay with her, that it's just me that's bugged by it.
i'm just kinda stuck in my own perspective.
stuck on her not being here.

i stood there and thought of her.
the tears came.
and i felt such gratitude to be there soakin' in the beauty.

it doesn't feel like there's enough time sometimes -
enough time to soak in all the glory that surrounds us.

i soaked up big time yesterday.
still have a tiny little waterfall makin' the best sound ever inside my heart.

holdin' it for me........and for my friend.

that inner hurricane....

i haven't figured it all out,
but i got part of it.

i was doing fine, then had some kinda hurricane start inside me and spin me around for quite a ride.

was NOT fun.

and i wondered about it.
how'd it happen.
why.

and i could see some of it in a way i hadn't before.

i'm not on my game right now.
sad with my friend's passing, and just not in the most solid place.
so the starting point is wobbly.

that's always good ground for craziness to start.

then along comes not just one, but SEVERAL button pushers for me -
from someone really close to me and from my own self.
so really tender button pushers are pushin' away here.

push.

i notice the push. i move on.
just let it go, ter.
just let it go.

another push on a whole different button.

PUSH.

ohhhh i notice the push and deceive myself that i'm fine.
and i'm not.
but i say i am.

don't deal with it.
don't sit down and think it thru.

and then my own very deep button gets pushed my own very deep self.

PUSH.

okay.
that did it.
it was like i turned on the inner hurricane machine.

and i was sucked right in.

here's the part i've noticed this time and want to pay attention to.
i don't have the right words, so you gotta bear with me....
i have no other way to explain it right now....

my inner child part - my kid part -
she's the one who got caught up in the hurricane.
it was her.

and i don't think i've ever noticed this before.
it feels way important.

it was confusion at a level that was more childlike than adult like.
answers didn't make sense because the need for things to be black and white
was so strong - like a child would need - and nothing is black and white
and that was scaring me.

answers that would pacify an adult, didn't work.

it took awhile, but at some point i realized that child part of me was truly shaken.

that's as far as i've got.

hmmm.
so you may wonder why the heck i'm posting about it.

well......because i've never noticed this before like this.
and that in itself is exciting.

i know i need to go work with that part.
just haven't had a chance yet.

but it seemed magnificent to notice this.
it seemed relevant and important because it's part of me clamoring to be heard.

and instead of feeling like an  over-emotional nut today,
i feel so grateful for noticing this and for understanding the need to pay attention
to what's goin' on inside of me.

that feels good too.

gosh, there's a lot to pay attention to........
and while that can feel so overwhelming,
it can also be pretty darn cool......

i think tho, i'm still a little bit overwhelmed.......

tickled with spring.

it was in my imagination,
so i could do it with ease.
i climbed to the very top of that tree there.
the one with all the pinkish/maroonish buds.
i sat right there.
their powder covering me,
turning my jeans dusty pink.
dangling my legs right smack into the middle of the sky,
and holding on to tree bark that tingled the palms of my hands,
i sat tickled with spring.

thinking

living fully has been in the forefront of my mind since sunday morning.

checking in over and over, i ask myself if i'm living fully,
am i being who i want to be?

i know this obsession won't last very long, but it's been really good.
i'm embracing it while it's here.
my awareness has been so heightened and i have enjoyed
watching, looking and pondering on what living fully means to me.

do you think it's different for everyone?
or do we all have the same answer?
is it really just about being present with whatever is happening?
it is for me, and i just wonder if that's a universal answer that's down deep
at the bottom of everything.

seems like it would have to be.
but i get that way.
if it's right for me, i get stuck on that and think it's right for everyone.
and that's something i need to watch.

so....i'll just leave it at i have no idea,
but this is right for me.
the being present in the moment.

today i saw a photo of someone i used to know in high school.
her looks definitely seemed to portray her inner struggle with life.
i noticed and thought about that....

i want my looks to portray light and love.
you don't just get that.
you gotta keep opening to it, i would think.

and that seemed to tie right in to being fully present.
cause as i'm trying to be present, i keep thinking that i want to be loving,
i want to be open. open to this moment, terri. be loving in this moment.

they totally tie together.

i wanna get this stuff down so well that it shines right outta my eyes.

and.....oh man.........that's where the big sigh comes in.
i remember just this morning wanting to punch someone in the face.
laughing here.
okay, probably not really.
but the thought felt good.
and well....if i keep that kinda thinking up,
just imagine what my face will look like as i age!

grinning......and putting my boxing gloves down.

this is a life long process tho....and every now and then those
boxing gloves sure seem tempting.

i'll just keep working at it.
and hope that i can keep at least a little bit of this awareness
as i go along.......