fires, growth and gratitude

something josh mentioned to me recently
was floating around in my brain.

i have been loving the pine cones i'm finding under my trees this year.
i've been collecting them to put on my xmas tree.
in mentioning them recently, josh commented on there being pine cones
that need fire to germinate.

i remember hearing about that a long time ago.
and i nodded when he mentioned it, thinking it was interesting
and kinda cool.
forest fires aren't all bad.
in fact, they're needed.
some things can't grow until the fires come thru.
go figure.

somewhere along the line,
i got to thinking about the fires of life.
and i thought of those pine cones we had just talked about....

could it be the same?
took about a split second for me to nod to myself.
absolutely it could.

some things can't grow until the fires come thru.

i know for myself, i never woulda found a ton of stuff inside me
without having walked thru some fires.

fires aren't all bad.

i thought it was a cool thought.
and wanted to share.

that's it - my big thought -
fires aren't all bad.

i think it matters as we forget that and don't want them at any cost.
at least, that's how i work.
but life has fires.
it's part of the deal.
and in some ways, they're needed.
that's something i really want to sit with and think about.

i'll be snaggin' the next few days around here to concentrate
on being with my family.

i thought the fire thought would be a good thought to leave the blog with for a few days.

it goes with the gratitude -
because even in the pain, there is gold.

the whole dance of life - all of it -
is our gift.

it is with that in mind, i wish you a peaceful thanksgiving.

the mix of life

we knew it had to happen.
the sad had to land in the joy.
it had to.

and it did.
the really really bone deep sad.

i felt it land.
nodded.
knew it had to come in at some point.

what should i do now? i asked myself.

i turned up the christmas music,
and dug back into the decorating.

a song came on i love.
i danced a bit and smiled.

but the song ended.
and so did my dance.
i went back to hanging things and thinking.

i'm a 'doer' - a 'fixer.'
prolly the only masculine thing about me.
i want to fix things - well life things anyway.

this is something that would never ever be fixed.
and that broke my heart over and over and over again.

as i hung some lights i remembered something a friend told me recently.
it's her story so i'll just share the gist -
someone  was given the job of 'tear catcher' because there was nothing else
he could do but he could catch the other's tears.

it was one of the most beautiful things i ever heard.

maybe i can be a tear catcher for myself, i thought.

and the thought soothed something inside me.

i think it's such a beautiful space making thing -
and to do it for yourself?
well it felt like such an act of self love and something i truly needed right then.

i kept decorating and 'catching my tears' in many different ways.

a song came on that felt like a prayer.
i fell into it.

another song came on that seemed to touch everything i was feeling,
i let my heart rip open.
and i caught my tears.

and i knew that was all i could do.

and while it wasn't enough - it kinda was.
it was enough to get me thru anyway.
and maybe even more than getting thru -
it kept me present.

and maybe that's exactly the idea.

delight in the wind - and the phone

it was my morning to sleep in.
but i woke up early.
and heard the wind outside.

i got filled with that feeling i had when i was a kid and it snowed -
the one where you couldn't get outside fast enough.

i knew i had work to do.
i knew i had some things to take care of.

didn't matter.
the wind was calling.

so i bundled up and headed out.

over three hours later i dragged myself inside.
still not wanting to leave the wind.
having my own yard to goof around in is the best thing ever.

hours and hours later after doing the things i needed to do
i returned a very special call.

the nite before when i got home, there was a message waiting for me.
from a neighbor from my youth i grew up with.
i used to babysit his kids,
and his wife was like a second mom to me.
we share some mega fun life together.
it was the teen years and they were such sports about chaos.
i smile whenever i think of them.

she passed several years ago, and he fell out of life.
he recently had decided to get back into life,
and there he was on my answering machine.

i called him back.
and he sounded just like he used to.
wow.
memories flooded in.
'do you remember......' i started asking him,
and we laughed and we certainly remembered.
we caught up and i heard names i hadn't heard in years and years.

when i told him that i smiled such a big smile when i heard his message,
his response was 'i can just picture it.'

that grabbed my heart a bit.
cause i knew he could.
cause he watched me grow up.

i heard how he was, how the kids were, the grandkids.......
gosh, it was hard to believe all the ages of everyone.

and i filled him in on how i was.
i heard myself say 'i love to be in my yard.'
i grinned when i heard that.
like who cares?
what kinda thing is that to say when you're filling someone in on your life
after years and years???
i heard myself talking and i sounded happy and good.
really happy.
really good.
cause i was.
his reaction was gold to me.
he sounded so pleased for me.
genuinely happy with me.

delight sizzled across the phone lines.

when i hung up i thought about it.
i was 12 when i met him and his wife.
12.
and now....forty years later.....i heard myself describe my life.

i could never have guessed way way way back then where i would go
or how i would be.....the losses. the gains, the beliefs shattered, the new
beliefs growing, the learning, the love....

but i think if i could have picked this,
i would have.
all of it.
even the stinky parts.

and that is way way cool.

a pretty awesome dance partner

something amazing is taking place.
and i am totally totally tickled.

i've had a lotta happiness in my life.
when i had my first baby i totally experience euphoria right after the birth.
i mean, it was EUPHORIA.
never had it before or since -
it was one heck of a feeling!

and there was total joy in spending life with my sons.
so many moments of pure joy.

and i think of when my guy asked me to marry him.
i never felt like that before.
it totally shifted something heavy inside of me and changed me.
i was walking on air for a long long time.

sometimes the happiness between him and i is so wonderful i could pop.

there's been a million moments of happiness
(and yes, i'm way grateful for that!!)

but something new is happening in the department of happy -

this time it doesn't have anything to do with anyone else.

well.
that's not true.
if i didn't have my family i wouldn't feel this way.
having them healthy and close by and feeling loved by them all
and loving them back - that all makes the rest of this possible.
that's not lost on me. they ARE part of it.

but that said -

this other part is just about me and life.

it's me and life checkin' each other out and likin' each other.
and it's the most wonderful thing ever.

i was thinking about it, because you see, this is all really surprising me.

the absolute joy i'm experiencing in spending time with myself.
i had no idea this was gonna happen.

it's not like i gotta think 'okay, what would i like to do now.'
or 'okay, what is something that you would enjoy?'

it's not happening like that.

there's this whole life of its own this joy has.
things just pop in to do.
and i do it.

and that's including things like 'let me put out the trash.'

i am not kidding.

even putting out the trash has been fun!

i walk out into my yard to the trash can.
i look at the sky, feel the weather, check out my yard,
feel like i'm taking care of the place by doing this big job of taking
the trash out. (it doesn't take much for me to feel proud of myself!)
and i feel good.
really really good.

i'm not even worried about when this will shift and i'll feel down and blue.
cause i already have thru out this. things will get to me. make me sad.
i'll have that blue stretch for days.
but i keep coming back to this joy of getting to know life.

so i'm even okay with the next blue spurt -
cause i know i'll be back to the exploring.

people might smile and say 'oh that terri has everything, it's easy for her to feel happy.'
and i'd kinda have to scrunch my nose and squinch my eyes -
cause i'm not sure what i'd say to that -

cause i don't have everything and i want people to know that.
so they know they can feel really happy too.
there's a ton i don't have.
but then again - i do have everything - cause i know what i got.
and i think if you know what you got, you got it all.
so i do have everything.

so maybe then i'd want everyone to know they have everything too.
and then again, they don't have everything.
cause that's the way it works.

makes me think of one of my favorite sentences ever -
'that just like a big so what?'

and i'm really thinking life is right here waiting for us to dance with it......

i don't know.
but i do know me and my dance partner, life,  have been flirtin' a bit over here
and really really enjoyin' it. it doesn't even seem to matter that i have two
left feet. seems to be part of the dance. part of the deal. part of life.

a nite of light

i wrapped up work early and took the nite off.

i headed outside and put up some christmas lights.
yes.
i did just say that.
and no, i didn't light them.
not yet.

but i wanted a light theme for the nite and that was the start.
it was fun.
i was surprised at how fun seein' as it was the first year i did it all alone.
but it felt good.

then i went out back and hung up a star i had been saving.
it's battery operated and will light up at the same time for several hours.
i've been keeping it to hang on this particular nite.
i hung it on a tree branch where i'll be able to see it from my desk or from
my kitchen. two rooms i inhabit a lot.

i hung it there to be a light in the dark.
cool thing is that i like it just as much this morning as i look out there and see
what looks like an ice star hanging from the tree.

what a beautiful reminder of the mystery of life.

and then i headed to my little fire pit spot.
and i made a fire.
the very first fire i have ever made all on my own with no one else around.

i realized that as i was gathering the little twigs to get it started.
my first fire.
i smiled.
i'm growing up.

to my delight, it lit first try.
i didn't have to do it twenty times -
it just lit up like i was an ol' pro at this.

i fed it for a bit, and then settled in next to it.

it was the most beautiful fire i had ever seen.

i was curious about that.
is that because i made it, i wondered?
is it cause it's just me here?
is it cause it's not just me here and that was the whole point of the fire?
i came out to be with her memory.
i came out to spend some time honoring her life.
maybe there was more than just me there.

whatever it was, i don't recall ever seeing a more magnificent fire.

i got lost in the flames.
the beauty, the depth, the richness of them.

as i warmed my hands near it,
i thought about how the fire kept us warm, kept us alive.
and how it could also be what overwhelmed and killed.

i thought about how life can be like that.
and how lucky i was that i was never that overwhelmed that i felt i needed
to end my time here. i thought of how sad i was that she had felt that.
that she had chosen that.

i went from one end of things to another -
i felt searing pain as if something was being ripped out,
i felt overflowing gratitude as if my insides would float away on a wave
of gratefulness for just being here and being alive.
i got lost in the glow of the smallest coal, and wandered inside the twinkle
of a star so far away.
i looked at the fire pit, i gazed at the sky.
i felt like the queen of my empire, i felt like a speck of the tiniest dust
in the middle of vastness.

i listened to the noises all around me.
i don't live in the woods.
there's a lotta noises out there -
and i saw how alone i really was.
and i saw how connected we all really are.

when it was time to spread the coals around a bit and let things cool down,
i watched those coals glimmer like the most intense jewels you could ever see.
and i heard them whispering to me -

glow, terri. glow and live and light your life on fire.

i tucked that whisper into my heart.

walking back across the yard,
i looked at the star lit up in the tree -

i thought of her.
sent her love.
and headed back in for the nite.
my heart full of living, death, sadness, gratitude -
and a very special whisper.

light in the darkness

it's a day that will be remembered forever around here.
sadly.
it's a day we lost someone beautiful to her own darkness.
even tho it's been years, the date still brings up so many thoughts,
and memories and emotions.

both josh and i have decided it's the right day to kick off two big
holiday projects we're doing. we picked this day on purpose.
the world needs more light, more love, more caring.
and this is the day to launch events to grow those very things.
our way of honoring her life.

josh has started a 'kindness exchange' and in the process has discovered
something very intriguing. a lot of people don't like to talk about the kind
things they've done. they like to keep those quiet.

obviously this makes sense and we do it too.
but as this evolved we kept thinking about how important it was to spread
this stuff - how the stories of kindness would spark other stories of kindness.

josh has determined this really matters and it's something we need to think about.
and i gotta agree.

so definitely, take a few moments and check out his kindness exchange.
i'm posting the link to his newsetter which seems to explain it really well.
there's a whole section there to read and right below it he discusses 'the
bragging issue.' so that's a good place to start!
he wants to light up the darkness, and i'm right behind him!

and over on bone sigh arts, we officially start our holiday swap today!
here's a link that explains that.
the buzz of it all happens over on the bone sigh arts facebook page,
but feel free to just email me if you don't do facebook.

josh's newsletter

bone sigh arts holiday swap details

we invite you to join in both happenings.
reaching out to others and showing we care - it's so sorely needed.
i'm sure your life is already filled with such things - but there can always
be more!

and for those who are in the darkness right now, please remember you are not alone.
we're right out here for you. just reach your hand our way.
it really does matter.
you really do matter.

she deserved better

i thought of her with such deep sadness.
she deserved better, i thought.
and then instantly, i thought of someone else i could say the same thing about.
and then another.
and then another.

and then i leaned back.

woe.

i needed to go rake and think.

i guess this is really a common common thing, i thought as i gathered the leaves.
so many deserve better than what they got/get.
in a thousand different ways, in a thousand different scenarios.

well then -
it's got to be up to us to change that.
for ourselves.

obviously, relying on others doesn't always work.
that's kinda the problem in the first place.

i thought of my own life and how different it is now.

i don't think i changed it because i thought i deserved better.
i think that realization came later.

i think i changed it cause i knew i didn't want what i had.
i knew i didn't have a healthy kinda love. and i knew i wasn't seen.
i was just filling a role for people.
and i just didn't want that anymore.

but it wasn't that i thought i'd go find better.
i just figured that i'd do better with nothing rather than something fake.

i was willing to lose it all to have some real in my life.
even if it was just me and my real and nothing else.

and in opening that space, i changed my entire life for the better.
i didn't just find a healthy love that grows me in ways i couldn't imagine -
my whole life opened up and i found 'better.'

i didn't go consciously looking for 'better' -
i went consciously looking for honest and healthy.
i guess you can't help but find better if you start looking for those things.

it's up to us.
and it's there for us to build on and grow.

it. is. up. to. us.

and it's an ongoing thing.
it's not something you get and then you stop.
it's something you gotta keep workin' at.

that's what i came up with as i raked.
and yeah, she deserved way way better.
and yet, she never claimed it.

and i wonder if she ever knew what she deserved.....

a reminder i keep needing to hear.....

i love it when i get reminded that attitude is everything.

i know it is.
and i forget it.
i get swallowed up in other stuff sometimes.

this weekend i had such a mix of getting swallowed up,
pulling myself out and being present,
and then later, rockin' an attitude that made great things happen.

had to make a call i was dreading.
dreading cause the person can be pretty cranky and trying,
but they're alone and i know they're lonely and the call matters.

i really really didn't want to do it tho.
she'd been extra cranky lately.
dragged my feet as long as i could then took a deep breath,
and dived in with laughter and smiles and funny stories and one heck
of a good attitude.

she responded miraculously.
i hung up the phone and threw my hands in the air.
WHEN are you gonna just REMEMBER THIS, ms terri?!!
attitude is everything!!

as i look back at my weekend,
i can see the differences in the moments where i let loose with the
great attitude.....and the parts where i struggled with letting inner stuff
grab me and sink me under.

i'm not saying we gotta be 'up' all the time -
but i did notice the choices i made this weekend.
and they were choices.
about how i reacted and where i focused.
some were harder than others to make - all mattered.

while there were some rough patches,
the weekend was full to the brim with beautiful gifts of living.
and that's what enabled me to pull myself outta some of the darker spots -
i saw that. i never lost sight of that.

and i'm seeing how much that matters.
we really are surrounded with important choices constantly.
and i just keep whispering to myself - attitude is everything.

and the memory popped in.....

i'm pretty sure this one isn't gonna make much sense....
but what the heck-

i was exercising the other day and a memory popped into my head.
it's very long, complicated and pretty interesting,
but to save you, i'll nutshell it -

i was in a group years and years ago where there was
something happening hidden behind the scenes.
only two people knew about it.
i did not.
i didn't even have a clue stuff was goin' on.

or so i thought.

and then i had a really vivid dream that involved some
of these people. it didn't make sense to me, but it was so
strong of a dream, i told one of the members of the group about it.
to me, it was just a really odd dream that made no sense.
but for this person i took it to, who knew about the hidden
stuff goin' on in the group - it spelled it all out exactly.
it was exactly what was goin' on, only kinda mixed in with
symbols instead of people.

when he explained it all to me, we were both a bit stunned.

well, this memory came back to me.
and i got to thinking about it.
how even tho i didn't realize what was goin' on up on the surface,
way down deep, i knew.

how often does that happen, i wonder?
how often do we know, but we can't quite decipher what it is
that our deepest parts are telling us.

and how cool our deepest parts do tell us!

so that's the first part - how often do we know and not know it.
and it's got to be one of the trickiest things,
because how often do we interpret something wrong and think
we know when we don't know??? ya know???

ohmygosh.

and how often do we need other people to help us untangle it?
and then that's equally as crazy because we all know that depending
on other people isn't all it's cracked up to be, and can bring in all sorts
of confusion.

so no wonder we don't stumble into this knowing very often!

but here's the thing -
we DO stumble into it from time to time.
and i'm thinking prolly more often than we realize.

maybe it'd be a real good thing to keep in our minds.
or maybe our deepest parts will nudge us to it when we're forgetting.
because as far as i know, that memory came to me out of the blue
while i was exercising.

now i gotta wonder......why'd it show up then?
maybe it's time for me to tune in just a bit more, to open up just
a bit wider, and to listen just a bit closer.

joy

so....like....um.....i'm happy.

really really happy.
joyful even.

and i'm excited about the holiday season being here.

not everything is perfect.
but a whole lot is.
and i'm focusing on the whole lot.

'i've been lost in my own joy' i said recently.
and i meant it.

and i'm loving it.

i really like this being on my own stuff all the while
being surrounded by people i really love near by.

i smile every nite thinking maybe THIS will be the nite i
decorate for christmas.

yes.
there.
i said it.

cause i don't care about mixing holidays!
cause i like christmas decorations mixed with pumpkins.

cause i just want to celebrate.

i haven't done it yet.
just cause this is also my busiest season,
and i've been scurrying around tryin' to keep up.

but one of these nites, out of the blue, i'll pull out the decorations,
put the music on....and just play.

and sometimes a little pang of guilt will creep up.
can you just believe that???
guilt for being happy???

yep.
so many people struggle this time of year.
heck, i've struggled pretty good myself on multiple years.
i know how hard that is.

but the thing is -
i'm not struggling this year.
and that in itself is a great thing to celebrate!

even the money doesn't have me down.
i don't have the money i'd like to to buy the presents i like to.
but the people i love are okay with that.
and even that feels so good. that the people who love me just love me.
and the celebrating will be full hearted no matter what.
i'm in a much better place than i was last year with that.
and that makes me happy.

i'm just happy.

i have been truly deeply sad during other holiday seasons.
losses that broke my heart, being alone after divorce, life stuff that
weighs so heavy.

but the weights can lift, can't they?
and the feet that could barely stand there for awhile can begin to dance again.

how amazing is that?!

and when that happens - i vote we grab it!

consider it grabbed over here.

just thinking

it was an interesting day problem-wise.
i can say that cause none of the problems were mine.
makes it easier to find the fascination about them.

i didn't really notice til the end of the day.
because by that time, so many different kinds of problems had
come my way.

i heard from friends, customers, neighbors.....
and when i sat back and looked, i realized how much ground they all covered.

some days there's themes - like a lotta people are dealing with self love,
or something where all the struggles seem similar.
the theme here seemed to be the whole range of life's problems -
a little bit of everything.

wow, look at that, i thought - we covered a ton of living.

and because my mood was incredibly light, my responses were incredibly
simplistic. i noticed that. figured it wasn't gonna always go over that good,
but it's what i honestly had to offer.

and i knew in my heart, that it honestly is that simple.
and yet it honestly is the hardest thing in the world to live the simple sometimes.

the only person i saw step into it had already come to it himself.
i think he just called for affirmation.

and i thought about that.

i know darn well it's choices.
how we react, what we carry, what we worry about - it's all choices.

and i know darn well that it's so darn hard to put stuff down that needs putting
or to to just accept the sadness and allow it. having been there about three million
times, i don't take it lightly. i know we are where we are and sometimes that's
stuck or wrestling with ourselves or just hating the sadness we're carrying.

so i didn't look for any particular response from anyone with their problems.
i just watched.

and the only one i saw stepping out of it at the moment was the person who had
already been in it for a bit, had sat with it and was ready to do what he needed to
do and move on.

so maybe that's the deal - maybe there's a time frame that takes place before we
see we can move forward. maybe all of it really is simple - maybe it just boils down
to this is what living is filled with.

maybe the hard part is giving ourselves the time before we can move to a different
place inside ourselves.

a cup of tea post for the newsletter....

i like to call november 'gratitude month.' it figures as i tend to stretch

holidays out as much as i can. i mean, i celebrate my birthday for a month,

so why not give thanksgiving equal billing?!

seems like a month of concentrating on gratitude is a good plan.

and something i've been noticing is that without even trying, i'm feeling

a whole ton of absolute joy poppin' gratitude.

in ways that are a little unusual for me.

like fall -

i love fall.

always feel grateful for fall.

but this fall, it's different.

it's magnified.

it's more like my own personal jewel.

i've watched it come in.

i've watched it, delighted in it and rooted it on.

i've talked with it, sang with it and danced with it.

the raking of the leaves has been a highlight in my life.

and i can't figure out if i'm losing my mind or really touching living,

or maybe both.

i've been shouting out about the leaves and the joy of raking them for weeks now.

raking at nite has become something to run out and relish.

who cares if you can't see the leaves? you're out there in the dark making wonderful

swishing noises with your rake with the moon looking on and the stars whispering

secretes to you.

or maybe it's the morning raking. watching the sun come up as you talk to the trees.

that's pretty darn awesome as well.

and now that i think about it – so is the afternoon raking with the blue skies and the

chilly breezes.

and the more i rake, the less it looks like i raked!

my yard is the messiest on the block, and i rake more than anyone in the neighborhood.

something isn't quite right.

and yet, something is so absolutely right,

it's beyond right - it's stunning.

and i'm trying to figure it out.

learn from it.

grab it and take it into the rest of my life.

but what is it???

the best i can come up with is i'm not hung up on any goal, or outcome or

expectation. i am just delighted that the fall and i are here together.

i am just delighted that i get to be here with the season.

oh man.

can you imagine if i could just grab that and feel that everywhere?

think of the stress level!

why, it'd be gone!

think of all the differences it would make!

i do.

i think of it and think i should do that.

but that's the thing -

it's not something i 'should' do.......

the leaves and the autumn and my joy of them just happened.

no plans, no trying.

i just muddled my way right into this space.

and i'm figurin' that tryin' too hard could mess it all on up.

so i won't.

i'll just keep raking and listening.

cause something happens when i rake -

i hear things.

see?

i AM losing my mind.

i hear things.

things about what matters in life,

things about how lucky i am.

and one time? i heard that even when i don't feel love right around me,

i am loved more than i can ever even imagine.

and i'm kinda thinking these are universal things -

things we'd all hear if we listened.

so maybe i can't figure it out. and maybe i'll only feel this way for a short time

and it'll slip away – but for now – i want to dance with the autumn and remember

what a gift it is to be here.

pre-post

it's newsletter day around here.
and what i've started doing is writing a blog for the newsletter.
one that when you get the newsletter, you click a link and it brings you
right here to the blog.

this one's about the gratitude i've been feeling. and will post it real soon.
for those who are regular early morning readers, it won't be news to you.
so i wanted to let you know what was up with that.

and i wanted to offer something else here just for you.

it goes with the theme of the one i'll post in just a bit.
so i thought it was perfect!

it's another hafiz -
..........

Zero
Is where the Real Fun starts.

There's too much counting
Everywhere else!

...........

ya gotta love it!

and then for those of you who don't get the bone sigh arts newsletter,
but would like to - you can find it at the link below.
as i type this, our november issue isn't up yet as it hasn't been mailed out
and we're still tweaking!! so check back mid morning and beyond and it'll
be there!

the newsletters are especially fun for me as i feel like i get to share what's goin'
on in the bone sigh world and we also have a section called 'you guys' where
we get to share what's goin' on in your lives as well! it just feels like that tea
party where we get to catch up!

http://www.bonesigharts.com/newsletter.php

a simple thought that sunk in.

sometimes i feel like i'm learning big things.

not big in their amazingness,
but big in their truth.

i mean to say, they're simple things.
things that seem like no brainers.
you wouldn't call them amazing because of that very reason.
but they are things that take me years and years of work to understand or
see or believe or get...or whatever the word is when it lands inside
me and becomes part of me - a real part of me - not just words.

ohhh and being a writer and a story sharer, i want to tell the stories.
i so want to tell them.
but being respectful of others' privacy stops me so many times.

and then i have to ask myself -
what is it i really want to share?
and it's the feeling, and the thought, and the bigger picture anyway.

and so that's what i'll stick with again today.

i honestly have thought of myself as open minded and clear seeing.
and in a lotta ways i am.
but oh man, in so many more than i'd care to admit, i'm not.

my gosh, we all carry so much stuff with us we don't even know
about, ya know? just even ways we grew up that have become part
of us and we don't even know it. all that stuff closes us and colors us
more than we realize. i would guess none of us are as open as we think.

and i feel like in the last few days i opened more and saw more than
i ever have before. and i don't think i was ready til now.
which intrigues me.

i think it takes a certain readiness sometimes to grow.

so what great simple lesson took hold of me and thrilled me so much?

it's this -

just because we don't understand something, just because it's not part of
us and who we are - does not mean it's void of grace and beauty. and that
the divine can be touched in so many different ways, that we can never
stop and judge what holds the divine and what does not.

and.....that the completely different pathways that take completely different
routes, can end up at the very same mystical magic of life.

seems simple enough, doesn't it?
but as in many simple things - trying to live it is where the challenge lies.

oh yes, trying to live it and embody it and have it be part of your deepest
thinking  despite all the filters, and baggage and the thinking you already do -
there certainly lives the challenge.

and somehow, quite by accident, i understood - in a way i never have before.
and THAT is what has me all excited today.

i should start calling it zen raking....

okay,
so maybe my yard will end up teaching me a lotta things.

cause i was out there raking and raking and raking and i noticed something -

you can't tell.

nope.

for all the time i've raked you can't tell at all.
and i have a feeling it's gonna be like this for a very long time.

and it's not bothering me at all.

i was filling up a tarp full of leaves and i looked around and grinned.

and i realized that it wasn't bothering me.

and i thought about that.

in the past, it was something to 'get done.'
even when the kids were little and we had all that jumping in leaves time,
it was still something to eventually get done.

when the guys got big and we were all doin' it together, we were making time
for it. it felt good and i was glad to do it, but still - the goal - get 'er done.

i noticed a few weeks back that it was different this year.
noticed it wasn't bothering me. noticed there wasn't any goal.
figured that'd change as time went on and leaves kept falling.

but it's the coolest thing......
i just keep raking.
and i just keep grinning.

so i thought about it.

could it be?
could it really be that it's the act of raking that i'm loving so much,
that i honestly don't have a goal other than that?

and i paused.

ohhhh that's pretty zen, i thought.
just think if i could apply that anywhere - everywhere?!
and i just shook my head and raked some more.

what a great way to approach it.

and i have no idea why i'm approaching it like this.
but gosh, i feel like i could learn so much from it -

i figure it's fall - there's gonna be leaves everywhere.
so?
just rake when you can.
and enjoy the act of raking while you're doing it.
it will all end up where it needs to end up.
sooner or later.
or not.
and i don't care.
cause the raking is bringing me great happiness.

well shoot.....
if i could be that zennish about my life i'd be a way calmer individual!

i wonder if i can.......

a taste of hafiz for the day....

i read this the other nite and it's been in my head ever since -

thought it'd be the perfect thing to put here for inspiration for the day!

...................

I rarely let the word "No" escape

From my mouth

 

Because it is so plain to my soul

 

That God has shouted, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

To every luminous movement in Existence.   

- Hafiz

books are such great friends!

so i got involved in this new love affair.
it's no secret.
you know....the one with my yard.

i remembered a book i read almost fifteen years ago, i think -
called 'growing myself' - by judith handlesman.

i remembered all these wonderful 'out there' stories about this woman
and her own cosmic love affair with her plants.

i used to own the book, but must have leant it out and never gotten it back.
so i rounded up a used copy and ordered it.

i have a stack of wonderful books right now.
too many.
and i'm excited about reading each of them,
but not putting in much of any reading time tho.
and here i ordered another.
'what am i doing??' i thought - but knew i had to read it.

it came in yesterday and i grabbed some time last nite and curled in.
as i read, it started coming back.
all her love of plants,
and all her openness to a whole world of relationships with them.
her wonderfully inspiring stories.

this is why i had to get the book.
who on earth can i really talk to about my new love affair?!
this book would make me feel less alone.

and it already has.
and it's already inspiring me.

and the last thing i read was just so beautiful i wanted to share -

'the interconnectedness of all life does not have to be an abstract
concept. we can live it. it doesn't matter whether we garden indoors
or outdoors, we can honor our world. it's all a prayer.'

it's all a prayer.

this woman is talking to me right now.
and now when i step out into my yard,
how can i not think i'm stepping into a prayer?!

ahhhhhhhh....yes.

pondering how it works for me....

so there was this happening in my life with bone sighs yesterday.
drama and nasty stuff.
and i asked my friends and customers on fb to help report a problem that needed reporting.

and they were right there.
rallying around me.
supporting me.
and reminding me of the many things i needed to remember.

things like not to hold on to negativity.
things like to concentrate on light and love.
to remember who i was.

those kinda awesome reminders which can help so much.
and the kinda reminders which spoke volumes about the light in their hearts.

and just the very fact that they were right there for me and in such a positive way,
it filled me with such gratitude that in the end that's about all i felt.

but it was a day full of thinking.
and wondering.
and trying to look at who i was, who i wanted to be.
that kinda thing.

and something caught my eye.
it was the comments about this event happening because i needed it to learn
something. this arriving now for a certain reason. the 'everything happens for
a reason' thread.

that caught my eye.
because while i respect the belief and appreciate the offering,
and can use it for food for thought for sure - it's not part of my own beliefs.

but here's what's so cool -
it doesn't matter if i believe that or not.
cause here's what i've come to believe -
and the outcome is very similar. there's just a slight twist.
but the twist matters a ton to me.

events happen.
bad stuff/tough stuff/icky stuff/painful stuff happens.

and i don't know why.
sometimes i think i do, but that's prolly when i really don't!

i have no idea if something comes at a certain time for me to learn a lesson,
i have no idea if something enters my realm just for me to grow.

i really have no idea.

but here's the thing - does it have to?
does it have to be aimed at me and my growth?

that's the part i don't think i go with anymore.

how about this?

it's up to me to aim at it.

what i believe is that there are lessons in everything. in the dark/ick/hard.
in the fun/joyful/great - the lessons are in every thing, every moment,
every darn piece of life and living.

if we choose to open to them, we can grow.
if we choose not, we don't grow.....we may even shrink.
or we may just be taking a break until we can choose to do differently.

it's up to us what we do with what we encounter in life.
not because it's handed to us for lessons.
but because the whole act of living is one big ol' ball of learning.
just because that's what life is.

and we get to choose if we see it that way or not.
and we get to choose if we aim at it and learn stuff that can help
us right at the moment that we're in.  we get to choose if we make
the moments meaningful to ourselves or not.

and i love that.

that slight twist, for me, somehow, in my mind, makes me more of
an artist of my own life. it keeps the mystery, but makes it even more
mysterious to me.......

and yeah, sometimes i hate it as i don't want to always have the
responsibility. altho.....yeah, i guess i do.

and that's what kept coming back up for me yesterday.
i have power in who i want to be.
i can take this moment and aim at it and mix into it and swish around
in it and see what i come out with.

and when i sat myself down and asked myself who i wanted to be,
and could i try to be that thru this, and could i try to open to it -
i liked my answer.

i didn't live it every single moment.
that's for sure.
in fact, i lived it less moments than i wanted.......
but i lived it enough to stay near what i wanted to be near,
and i lived it enough to stay aware thru it all.

and i want to keep working at it.
cause yeah, i got a long way to go....

did life hand me this event to teach me something?
i don't know.
i doubt it.

i kinda feel like life played itself out.

and i chose to aim my heart at what it was playing out.
and i chose to spend a little bit of that time letting my heart open.

and i like that.
i like that a lot.

good thing, as i'm sure life will keep at it.....
and so will i.

a timely whisper...

i went out looking for answers.
or so i thought.
but i wouldn't let my head clear long enough to get them.
i raked, and looked at the earth and the sky,
and would get small feelings here and there,
but i never made the space that was needed.

there in the quiet, i knew no stillness.

later, in the middle of chaos, where i would never have
thought i could still and make the space,
i did so.

and there, in the pause of the chaos, the whisper found me.

thru the window, i heard the tree -

'your heart is good.'

and that was all i needed.

a little party for myself....

figurin' i would be pretty much on my own for halloween,
i decided i was gonna throw myself a party!
yeah.
a party for me.

i've never done that before.

i've taken quiet time for me.
or luxurious time for me.
but never a party for me.

just me.
like me, myself.
like, no one else would be there.

there would be punch!
would have to have punch!
and with that thought, i was off and running......

i woke up excited to prepare for the festivities.
i cooked and made food i'd really like.
halloween themed that felt just right.
since it was just me, i didn't care if things came out a
certain way - it was really whatever worked. which made it
so much more fun!

i downloaded a halloween songs album and turned it up loud.
i got a cheap one cause it was just me and i wouldn't mind.
i danced to the crazy songs and found a new favorite among them.

i ran to the grocery store cause i needed something for me.

not for someone else.
but for me. for something i wanted for my own party with my own self.

this was all new.
i had never gone thru this much trouble for myself.

and i was loving it.

dancing and singing and having a ball preparing.

i had told the guys in my life about it and said they weren't invited,
but they could crash if they wanted to.

i didn't want any of them to feel obligated. i wanted them to do their thing.
in all sincerity.
and i was honestly way cool if it was just me for the whole nite.

as it turned out, they all straggled in as the nite went on....
and it was wonderful to have each and every one of them show up in their own way.
that was nice.
but i'm  pretty sure i woulda been happy either way.

that was the best part for me-
i was okay with whatever happened.
and i was experiencing joy with myself.
the food, the music, the punch, the decorations, the crazy penguin hat i had on all nite -
it all delighted me!

i don't think i ever woulda thought i'd go thru this much trouble for myself.
nah, i'd say. i'll just watch a movie or something.....
and yeah, i think i needed to be alone in the house to just abandon myself to it.
to just dive fully in. and diving in like that just was such a joyful thing for me.
it was letting go and doing anything that made me happy.

i tell ya what.....treating yourself like your own best friend -
well there's just something kinda totally awesome in that.

and i am just beginning to even glimpse this.
what a fun journey of learning this will be!