our own biographies

and the rockefeller theme continues.....

i went ahead and got me a copy of a biography on rockefeller.
haven't read much. but enough to get quite a glimpse into his childhood.

the author takes the stuff in rockefeller's past and illustrates how that stuff
comes up later and influences his actions/thoughts.

this really got me thinking -

what if someone wrote YOUR biography?
and described your upbringing and the influences on you....

which ones would you be okay with being there?
which ones would you want to change before the biography ended?
do you know what are your big influences?
are you good with them?
or do you want to trade them for updated things you really like better?

has me thinking a lot.
thought i'd throw it out here for anyone else who wants to ponder......
good food for weekend thought...

a foot in the door.....

in the spirit of the rockefeller inspriration (see post below)
i've been tryin' to pay attention to things around me and to open to
different ways of doin' stuff.

it's kinda cool as it's keeping me in an increased awareness place.
trying to find things to work with.

after clearing out some beautiful snow this morning,
i came in to take a hot shower.
the whole morning is off schedule so i thought, what the heck,
i'm gonna make it a candlelight shower with music.

i haven't taken a lot of these.
but each time i take one, it's complete magic.
this time was no exception.

as the music played, it felt like a prayer.
the steam filled the room and surrounded the candles in the dark little
bathroom. they looked totally mystical. i was in a sacred space
right there in my shower.

as i've gotten a bit older here, i've seen that i really really need to
stretch just so that i can keep moving. and believe me, my stretches aren't much.
but they feel so good. lifting my arms over my head up to the sky is one
of my favorite things to do now.

and so, i lifted my arms and stretched.
i could feel so much more of me.
it was like the world kinda bogs me down sometimes and i end up
more sunken into myself than stretched to the universe.
and i felt myself just open as i reached higher and higher with the music goin'
and the steam rollin' around the candles.

i reached for the soap and watched my hands move as i moved the soap over
me. and i looked at the droplets of water on my skin.

i think one of the most beautiful sights is droplets of water on skin.
and i saw how beautiful it was.

and i kinda did a quiet little double take.

i have millions of body issues.
millions.
and seeing anything beautiful about my body is pretty hard for me to do.

and here i was, seeing the beauty of my skin and the water.

and i knew.
it was a big deal.
and i knew that i'm trying to be aware now and watch for things to work with.
and i saw -
this is really a pretty big foot in the door.
when it comes to body issues, i just get stuck.
don't even know how to tackle them.

candle light showers may be a start into understanding the sacred of
my very own body.

go figure.
and since i'm not the only one out here with those issues, i thought i would share.
and suggest giving it a try.
don't forget some sacred kinda music,
some beautiful candles
and lots of steam!

pipelines!

it's a long story i'd love to tell in person.
it's the kinda thing enhanced so much with voice intonations,
hand waves, eyebrows up and down and big eyes,
a little tossin' of the hair here and there, that kinda thing.

so kinda insert some of that as you read.
this is the nutshell version......but it gets the point across......

i watched a show on the big rich guys in the early days of america.
and i got really really taken with rockefeller.
(NOT with his ruthless tactics, none of that stuff.....but with his MIND.)

three things of his story really stood out in my mind.

nutshelled -

he was headin' to a meeting that would change everything for him -
heading in as the struggling one, the underdog -
missed his train, train derailed, everyone dies, he's saved, he's sure god did it,
he's now certain he's god's man.
when he heads to the meeting the next time, there's nothing underdog about him.
he's destiny's child.

i find that incredibly interesting.
perspective.
attitude.
knowing.
wow.

okay....then later the train guys kinda turn on him and want to hurt him a bit
financially. he can still use the trains, but they're bein' stinky and he doesn't like to lose.
so he has to think about it - it's not immediate - but he gets it -
and he decides he DOESN'T NEED THE STINKIN' TRAINS!
and the man builds pipelines!!!

oh.my.gosh.
he builds pipelines!
who the heck would ever even think of that?!

that's so far beyond thinking outta the box, i don't have a name for it.
impressive.
incredible.
awe inspiring.

and third - when electricity comes along and his kerosene business isn't gonna
weather the change, he goes back to the drawing board, finds the waste that his
company has been tossing (yeah, into the rivers, but that's another story) and he
gathers a team of scientists to come up with a use for it. they come up with some
small stuff. not big enough. he makes them keep trying - and tada! gasoline is born!

the man does it again!

okay. these three parts of the story took my breath away.
i think especially as an entrepreneur.
but here's the thing - all those guys were just about winning and money and that
kinda stuff.....their focus isn't anywhere i want mine to be.

but! that doesn't stop the inspiration.
i had a darn clogged/frozen sink for a week.
i tried a few things to solve it, they didn't work, i hung out and hoped.
that's certainly not a rockefeller move!
so i'm watchin' this and i'm thinking......

i want to be a rockefeller of inner work.
i want to think outta the box, not let things stop my progress - even big things.
i want to create new avenues that carry me to new places.
i want to know i can do it.

ha!
i am SO excited about this thought.
what have i done so far?
not much.
grin.
but i keep listening and opening to new thoughts and ideas.
i figure that's a real good start.
i want to try a lotta different things.
work in different ways with things -
get back into my dreams, my consistent writing,
new methods of reaching my inner self that i haven't tried before.
that kinda thing.

i am inspired and rarin' to go!

new stuff for my brain......

okay.
sometimes i just start living stuff i don't understand.
but i figure sooner or later something will make sense.
so i just kinda keep going.

i started something lately and it inspired this quote -

'slipping deeper into their love,
they came to a place of co-creation -
a place the were just beginning to understand.
a place that demanded kindness and awareness
and in return, offered the sacred.'

what the heck does that mean?
i just barely have a glimpse.

and then!
today! which is like HOURS after i wrote that quote,
i was reading some mark nepo on my lunch break.
i wish i could type out the whole darn chapter.
but i can't. but i WILL type this part out -

'True connection requires that a part of us dissolves in order to join
with what we meet. This is always both painful and a revelation, as who
we are is rearranged slightly, so that aliveness beyond us can enter and
complete us. Each time we suffer, each of us is broken just a little, and
each time we love and are loved, each of us is beautifully dissolved, a
piece at a time. We break so we can take in aliveness and we dissolve so
we can be taken in.'

that incredible gem is from mr. mark nepo in his latest book, 'the endless practice'

it was QUITE the lunch hour here as i nodded all thru my reading.
had to share.

zakk, sludge, and happiness

it's a long story....
involving my kitchen sink.
and yes, i went around and around with all those questions of
where the pipe was, was it clogged or frozen, and the plunging and the blow dryers.
all that stuff. and after numerous attempts at all those solutions that come to mind
and nothing working, i decided to hold out til sunday when it would warm up
and surely thaw and everything would flow again.

but i tell ya, sunday was one day shy of a week of no kitchen sink.
and by sunday morning i had had it.

i musta truly looked a little bit insane when zakk stopped by that morning.
cause when i was out that day, he came by on his own to try to fix it.

i walked in to a big note on the sink.
it certainly was in better shape than i had left it, but still not working.
my heart melted.
what a sweetheart.
i just love this guy.
i didn't ask him to do that.
he just stopped by while i was gone.

i called him.
thanked him.
and he came by again.
and we talked of going under the house to warm up the pipes.
i suggested taking them apart and seein' what's up.
he wanted to wait a day, wait for the light.
not take them apart.
just heat them up.
and he didn't want me to go under with him.
i couldn't wait any longer.
we struck a deal.
no taking pipes apart, just warming them. and we'd do it right then.
and i got to go too!

i was in!
zakk went home to change and while he was gone,
terri the plumber came to life.
i was SO excited we were gonna get this fixed.
and i was SO excited to go under the house.
i changed, put on my work boots and grabbed my flashlight.

i don't usually like to go under the house.
actually, i avoid it. it's a crawlspace and i have claustrophobia.
and the wrong season will get you killed with viscous spider bites.
but all the things were right, spiders were sleeping, and we were ready.
and i just got filled with the thrill of the adventure.

thing is.......zakk hates plumbing.  and i don't think he's a huge fan
of going under the house either. and it was sunday evening. and there
were a million things he coulda been doing that weren't this. and it wasn't
his sink.
so he wasn't as tickled as i was.
he wasn't tickled at all.
but he was there anyway.
i think that's a really cool part of the story.
he was there anyway. ready to do it.

he opened the little door to crawl thru and there were spider webs everywhere.
'you go first' i suggested. and assured him everything was sleeping and wouldn't
bother him as i nudged behind him.

we got under there and i was like a darn kid. sooooo excited. pointing things out,
exclaiming about this and that, and when the sump pump went on and we were
laying there listening to the water flow out i started imagining being trapped in
a mine and hearing a river of water rushing at you. i shared all this with zakk,
none of which he seemed to appreciate.

i was busy tryin' to warm up the pipe, when zakk reached for the screwdriver to
loosen the thing. my eyes got big, i turned off the heat gun and squealed 'we gonna
take it off?!!'

this wasn't part of the deal. but i so wanted to.
i had done this once before on my own years ago.
i was so proud of myself for doing it.
it seemed like a good time to repeat the empowerment.

he reluctantly and quietly said 'just this side.'

ha! that's all it took!
and i knew it!
before long, the whole pipe was off!
to my great wonder and glee.

that pipe wasn't bad....but the one that led to it -
oh.my. gosh.
it was sooooooo gunked.
so so so gunked baby!
that grosses zakk out.
and he didn't want any part of it.
i, on the other hand, see it as black gold.
it's what will make our pipes flow if we can get it outta there.
and it's our kitchen gunk, which i'm okay with.
don't even ask about other gunk.
this gunk tho, was gunk i could deal with!

and i immediately, in little kid fashion, was begging to be the one who
got to ungunk the gunk.

we're laying there, in the dark, in the cold, in the dusty dirty ick of under the house,
and he turns his head and looks at me, just looks right into my eyes.
really wondering what is wrong with me.
and i laughed with delight as he got outta my way and i got to to unplug the frozen glob.

he had taken the pipe out to go wash it out with the spicket.
so he missed the drama of the gunk.
and i was bound and determined to make it dramatic!
ohmygosh.
there was screaming and hollering and whooping in victory,
my hand looked like i was the creature from the black lagoon,
and for some reason that felt like a badge of glory.
it made me squeal with delight!
and laugh victoriously when the frozen clog was layin' splat all over my crawlspace.

i went and washed up a bit and met zakk back under the house.
it was time to put the pipe back on.
i couldn't do it alone unless i lay my head in the gunk,
so he took over.
(not without a 'what did you do to the pipe?!' when he saw smudges
i had left all over it...they tease me about really getting into whatever i'm doing
and making a mess over everything.)
i scrambled to help him.
keep in mind we're in crawlspace, laying on our bellies.
i'm scramblin' over his legs and my arms are tryin' to reach but another pipe
is blockin' my head.
i start laughing and tell him we're playing plumber twister.
and that tickles me and i laugh some more.
zakk still is not finding the amusement in any of this.
which seems to fuel my amusement even more.

he gets the pipe back in and we finish victors in the war on sludge.

and then! he actually heads off to another part of under the house to measure
something that needed measuring! he actually kept going!
it's a little too scary for me to go that far under, so i headed out for a clean up
and to get some food on the table for my hero.

later that nite, i was headed to bed thinking about something i had said earlier
that afternoon when asked about the support in my life.
in all sincerity, i said i have incredible support all around me.

i thought of that.
i thought of all zakk had done for me.
how he hadn't wanted to,
and even tho he wasn't gleeful, he was completely there and completely kind.
and he did it!
he just did it - no big deal - did it.

and THAT is a very big deal.

and of all that my guys do for me all the time.

and i knew just how blessed i really am.

toastin' zakk, king of the sludge, today!
you rock, zakk.
thank you!

is it possible?

is it possible there's music all around me every day?
music that my entire being would dance to?
music that my cells would vibrate with?
if i'd only open myself and hear it?
is it possible the song is calling me
and i'm now ready to listen?

check this out!

a start

do you remember a moment when you got deeply hurt?
maybe the hurt somehow played on self doubts that were already there,
maybe it somehow cemented a fear you were already holding?
and when it happened, something changed inside of you?

i experienced this.
years and years ago.
i'm sure more than once.
but i have one time in particular in mind.

it changed me.
not all of me.
but a part of me.

and honestly, i don't like the change.
i want what i had before the hurt.

the thing is, the hurt kinda cemented a belief.
so now i have this cemented belief i carry around that i don't want.
and i'm not sure how to get rid of the darn thing.

i was thinking about this last nite.
and i can actually remember the feelings i had before i got that particular hurt.
i'm not sure if we all can go back to certain feelings or not.
i know a lotta times i can.
and last nite i realized it was a gift in this situation.
because i could maybe use that as a tool.

so i thought what i would try to do is to go back to the pre-hurt feelings.
feel them.
feel that freedom that i carried around.
feel that pre-hurt/pre-self doubt good stuff.
be there again.
intentionally go there over and over again.

that's as far as i got.
i figure there's more to do after that.
but i don't know what.

something i've noticed tho is i don't have to know.
if i start somewhere, i always seem to get led to somewhere else.
and if i just keep taking one step at a time, i end up going places.

and what i want to do now is put the intention out -
say to myself in a way myself can see -
i don't want this belief any more.
i want to put this down.
i want to get back what i lost.
it's mine.
and i don't want to give it away anymore.

so i started.
and went back.
and felt it.
it felt good.
and i plan to go back again and again and again.

offering

a conversation with a friend today has me thinking.
i watch a lotta pain and struggle come thru bone sigh arts.
and i have seen the ones who seem to really heal are the ones who
offer what they've learned on the journey to others. they offer their struggle,
they offer their hearts, they offer their real.

i've seen that be key in the road to healing.
i'm not sure why.
maybe it has something to do with the opening that's required when
you offer what's inside you.
i don't know.
but i know i watch it over and over again.

but how about on the road to actually getting thru the struggle?
what if you're in a long term struggle?
it's not over by a long shot. you got a long way to go.
and what if there are just no easy answers.
you're in it and it sucks.

those are lonely times. even if you have people around you,
the struggle is yours and it's isolating and lonely.

maybe then it's equally as important to make an offering of yourself
and what you're feeling and learning and experiencing.

in any way that feels right.
maybe just in honestly telling another struggling friend about your
own struggles. maybe in painting it out, writing it out, creating it out.
maybe it standing up in a group and sharing it.
in any way that feels right - maybe taking the struggle and making it more
than something that is wearing you out. maybe changing it into something
that's weary making for sure, but also connection making.

maybe in the opening in another way - in the offering of who we are as
we journey - we transform struggle into more.
maybe we open the door for the gold to leak out.

i have thought this was important when we were trying to stand up after
the struggle had come and knocked us down.

i'm not sure i ever thought about it before as something that mattered
as we were actually getting knocked down.

but this afternoon, i'm thinking it matters always.
in all parts of the journey.

sharing

i was reading a bit of mr. mark nepo this morning and found this -
it's a gotta share paragraph -

'More deeply  facing the lion is the call to summon our best
qualities in order to face some one, some thing some force that is challenging.
But this one or thing or force is not always bad or dangerous, as life often
demands that we face things in order to transform - a process we often resist.
If persistent, facing our challenges can transform us into our truest self.
So to face does not mean to resist or defeat, but to encounter honestly.  And
to be does not mean to retreat from the world, but to merge with it from a
centered place of strength.'

Facing the Lion, Being the Lion - Mark Nepo



to encounter honestly.
to merge with the world from a centered place of strength.

my gosh.
feelin' like it's back to the drawing board over here!

but i remember that somewhere he wrote about all the standing ups
and falling downs - all the times we don't encounter honestly
or merge from a centered place of strength....that's all about being human.

we just keep going.

just not done yet.......

i'm not sure if everyone who comes out of a trauma or a crisis or just life gunk
wonders if they're damaged or not. i know a fair amount of people who have,
including myself.

it was a lotta years ago when i was wrestling with that one.

but the topic came up again for me and this time i could look at it from
the perspective of having traveled quite a ways into the world of inner work.
and of having watched a lotta fellow travelers.

and i got this thought -

'i'm not damaged, i'm just not done yet.'

and i really really liked it.
and i'm not sure it makes any sense out of my head.
i know it does inside my head tho.
so thought i'd explain it.

i guess i don't really know what any of us means when we wonder if we're damaged.
i guess maybe we wonder if we'll ever really be 'okay.' if we can ever
really be loved or truly love back. or know our value or be able to claim
our value. it's stuff that hover around those kinda thoughts, i would guess.

and i'm thinking that the only time we're really 'damaged' is when we
quit trying not to be. when we give up on the journey to healing. if you
give up because you believe you are damaged, well, then......maybe that's
what being damaged is.

but if you keep trying, and you keep working on getting stronger and better,
then no, you're not damaged. you're just not done yet.

that was the thought.
and i really like it.
so thought i'd share for anyone who's ever wondered that about themselves....

lovin' ourselves....

we didn't even do it on purpose.
it just kinda happened.
the conversation led right to it - self love.
and it was my son who said the words -
'it all comes down to self love.'

my eyebrows went up in delight.
and i nodded my head in agreement.

it really does, doesn't it?
our quality of life, our relationships, what we do with our time
and energy and how we take care of ourselves and others.

it all comes right down to it.
self love.

i figured it was the perfect ending to love week,
and perfect sign-off right before valentine's day.

a reminder about self love.

how do we get it?
if we're short on it, how do we get it?

i don't know.
i guess we grow it.
but i think it's gotta be intentional.
i think we have to try.

i have a bone sigh i like a lot because i think it's the start of self love -
we have to choose to step into it, ya know?

this one's for all of us this weekend - and always -


“and the fist became the open hand.
she refused to beat herself any longer.
speaking words of kindness,
she gently touched her hair,
looked into her own eyes and
took the first step towards love.”


you can find 'the fist' here.

shadows

i just saw this vid on facebook and thought it was incredible!
it's of little tiny kids discovering their shadows -
and they aren't happy about it!

it was so amazing to me.
and it made sense.
here's this darn thing that won't stop following you.
it won't stop being connected to you.
it won't go away!

and they have no idea what it is.

i don't remember when my kids discovered their shadows.
i really don't.
i wish i did.
i wish i remember if i showed it to them,
or if they found it and freaked out.

but wow.....i understood these kids' reactions to it.
and i kinda wish one of the parents put the camera down and
told them it's a good thing. i'm hoping they all did.

but the whole thing really struck me.

it seemed really reasonable to me to freak out over it.
and it seemed like a great symbolic story or something.

our 'shadow side' immediately comes to mind -
or any darn part.
our parts that are so connected to us and just there
and show up when something is shining on them at a certain angle -
and they freak us out by their presence.

who doesn't know those parts?

i have one that comes to mind immediately.
it's my 'shame' part.
wow.
that thing is so connected to me, and such a part of me.
and certainly shows up when certain things hit it at just the right angle.
and it freaks me out every time.
i don't want it to be there.
and i feel how deeply it is there.
and i just don't like that.

i can totally relate to these kids in the vid!
trying to run from it while crying.
oh yeah. i can relate.
and maybe there's something to learn there.
maybe those parts are just part of us.
and just show up here and there.
and maybe if i knew it was as every day as a shadow,
maybe i'd relax a bit.
and maybe that in itself would help a great deal.

maybe just knowing it was okay would really make it okay.

curious?
you can see the vid here.

an honest moment, a sacred moment

i had an interesting conversation with someone i've been close to for years.
there was trust and love between us from the moment we met.
from the very first moment.
that's not something that usually happens to me.
or at least it's not something that usually lasts.
but this has lasted and grown.
interestingly tho, i see that it took all these years for her to finally feel safe enough
to say something out loud.

it was quick and she kept going, but i heard it, and understood how hard it was to say.
and i understood the trust she was giving me.

she explained to me why she held on to a belief that she holds.
she said she had to.
because of something she's been thru.
she had to.

the moment she said that i could feel a physical reaction inside me.
a sort of huge relief.
my eyes closed and i held it.

of course she needed this.
of course she did.
she had no other way to deal with her grief.
and she admitted that.

i have said more than once in my conversations with people i care about -
and in many conversations with myself -
believe whatever you want, do whatever you want, but be honest about why
you're believing it or why you're doing it. be honest with yourself. say -
at least to yourself - if not out loud -
i'm doing this because i'm feeling like it's all i can do right now.
or i need to coast here so i'm gonna coast.
or i want to feel angry and hold the fear right now, so i'm choosing this.
or i don't know how to explain this, and i like this explanation. it helps me get out of bed today.
anything. as long as it's honest.

do what you need to do, but be honest about why.
when you can be, of course.
i realize sometimes we have no idea why we're doing things....

but when we can, it seems so important to look and be honest.

there must be some kinda power in that that i don't really understand.
maybe it's power in admitting that we're not always who we want to be,
and that has to be okay. maybe there's power in admitting our humanness.
maybe there's just power in honesty.

whatever it is, i was reminded of it again in our conversation.
and i loved her so much for getting it out - for saying it out loud.
we didn't stop. we didn't dwell on it. i understood the vulnerability of the moment
and i held her way close and we kept going.

she gifted me with so much in that moment.
and she gifted herself.

a sacred moment that flew on by,
but not without first opening both our hearts a little bit wider.

my little guidebook....

been thinking about how i have a philosophy i use in my life these days.
like a little guide book.
well,when i remember to pull it out of my pocket, that is.
sometimes i forget it's in there.
i sit on it and just ignore it.
but a lotta times i use it.

and it's occurring to me that not everyone is that lucky to have one -
a philosophy to live by.
to grow by.
to strive towards.
that sometimes it's not thought about at all.
there is no guidebook.

and then.....it's all over and there's no need for one anymore.

i've been feeling really lucky i have one.
i don't remember ever thinking about it from quite this angle before.

it's not a guidebook with all the answers.
not one of those.
there's a fair amount of people who have those.
and i'm not sure they guide a whole lot of honest growing.
i don't know.
but i'm not interested in those.
altho, at times, i will admit, it looks nice to have.
but only for a moment.
and i realize that i really do like this stuff that guides me.

i started to type that i don't know how i got it.
but my gosh, that's so not true.
i know exactly how i got one.
and it hasn't been easy gettin'.
and i'm pretty sure it will be one of those fluid things for the rest of my life,
one of those things that takes on different shapes and thoughts.
i guess that's the nature of something that doesn't have all the answers.

i'll take it.
with gratitude, i'll take it.
and feel very lucky to have it.

now, it has occurred to me that if i've got this thing i believe in -
if i'm lucky enough to have it -
well then, i need to be brave enough to live it.
to really live it.

i like that thought a lot.

it's the step beyond feeling lucky and grateful -
it's the honoring of the whole thing by living it.

i don't get forever, right?
so like um.....better keep this thing outta my pockets!

sharing

i wrote this this morning -

'if i share myself with you,
will you listen and hear beyond the words?
will you not assume
but instead ask and learn?
will you open your heart to who i am
and embrace all of me?
will i understand that i must do the same for you?
and as we both fall short of this,
will we remember that truly learning to love
is the dance of fully living?'


for me, there's a lot in here.
there's my needs, yeah.
those are always important to me.

but this part -

'will i understand that i must do the same for you?'

that part.
that part really makes me stop and reflect.

cause here's the thing.....
not getting my needs met - in any relationship -
makes my fears kick in and my walls go up.
suddenly life becomes all about me.
and what you're not doing.
and if it's really bad, i can go into invisible mode.
or heck, there's a million modes i can go into.
none of which help me offer love to the other person.

sigh.
that's a whole lot for me to reflect on.
in fact, i've been thinking about it all day.

but instead of beating myself up too much about that,
the last part reminds me - it's part of the dance of fully living.
and the act of trying over and over again is an act of love in itself
and i so totally want my life to be about those acts.

this one's echoing inside me today.
so i thought i would share.

more on the song

so this whole song thing (see the post below) has been on my mind a lot.

i searched out a buncha versions today and had to laugh.
i didn't even realize it was a religious song!
it's prolly how i know it.
i just thought it was a song every kid sang.
i don't remember the versions with jesus in the words.
so even that part was amazing -
that i found the perfect version for myself yesterday that
was something i could relate to with visuals that resonated
and a voice that just soaked right on in me.

cool stuff.

and turns out i tried hard to 'use' it last nite.
i was driving.
i wasn't sure if i should turn the news on or not.
but i was hoping for the weather report.
that'll teach me.
terri, next time just look up weather on the internet.

i tuned right into the thick of news that overwhelms me.
the over the top horrible stuff.
i turned it off.
but not soon enough.
or maybe it was perfect.
because maybe i need to try to be aware and offer light.
so maybe just a tiny piece of news to get me open to it.
even tho it shakes me up big time.
i don't know.
but it happened.

and so i cried.
and i drove.
and i thought of the song.
and i tried to sing it.
it took me a few moments.
i couldn't get anything out at first.
just tears.

but i kept trying.
and then i did.
shaky at first.
but i was singing.
and that in itself was helpful.
i had something to focus on.
i had something to try to get out of me.
and at that point, it was certainly like a prayer.

i walked into home depot with one heck of a perspective.
i looked around me at the big building filled with stuff.
an every day luxury i never even think about.
but i was thinking about it last nite.
who was i to be that lucky?
to just be walkin' thru this place like it was every day ordinary.

a lotta times i'll look at stuff i can't afford and get a little wistful.
not last nite. i realized just standing there healthy and safe in a land
with so much - well, there wasn't any room for want.

as i shopped, i tried hard to offer every single person i met light.
and i got back in my car singing my song.

my song

i like to just laugh and say my hormones have been acting up.
cause they have.
and it's an easy way to just wave off all the emotions that have
been running thru me with such force that over and over i get knocked down flat.

but i don't believe it.
i mean, i know those hormones are playin' a part.
but it's the world, it's life, it's trying to be who i want to be that's all knocking
me down flat over and over right now.

that's not a bad thing.

in fact, it's a good thing.

it feels like it's a time that is necessary for me right now.
it feels like part of a process i must go thru.

i'm not sure why.
but it feels right.
even tho it's a bit tiring.

this morning i read something a friend of mine wrote.
she'll be speaking about it publicly, so i don't want to share what isn't mine to share.
so i'll just say this -
something i read gave me the idea that when the world is so full inside of me,
like it is now,  a release that could help would be to sing.

i was so struck with this thought, i wrote down 'song' on my calender
so that i would find a song that resonated and try it out.

this part here just completely boggles my mind -
i wrote the word 'song' down, and let the idea go, figuring i'd find one later,
that right now i had work to do.

as i dropped the pen and turned to grab some papers,
without even one tiny bit of a thought,
i started singing 'this little light of mine.'
it just came right out of my mouth.

i stopped, kinda stunned.
there was absolutely no thought involved.
i don't usually just start singing when i'm headin' to do paperwork.
that song hadn't been in my mind.
and truth be told, if i were going to pick a song that would be my release song,
it would be something more........oh.......sophisticated? deep? thoughtful?

but something i've learned thru my journey -
my ideas are never ever as good as what is handed to me in those unfiltered moments.

and here's the thing -
it WAS handed to me.
or sent thru me.
by who or what i couldn't tell you.
perhaps that inner wise woman inside of me.
perhaps my inner child.
perhaps an energy beyond me.
i have no idea.

all i know is, i found my song.

and today, after accidentally hearing world news that i had been avoiding
because i knew it would overwhelm me, after being overwhelmed and not knowing
what to do, i got a song in a way i can't even figure out. and that in itself
gives me some kinda hope i needed.

and the song? being a light....
i mean, really. what could be more perfect?
i went to youtube.
and found odetta singing it.
i hadn't heard odetta in years and years.
i popped this on, looked at the imagery as i listened
and i cried pretty darn good.

i found my song.
there was mystery involved.
there is always mystery involved.
we just need to see it.
and i needed to remember that.

feel like singing along?
check out odetta here!

loving this thought.......

granted our brains are wired the same,
and maybe that's why i just understood the moment he said it.
and after he said it, i kept thinking about it.
i posted it on fb today cause i was so taken with it.
then i told noah and zakk. and they just stared at me with no comprehension.
i laughed right out loud.

so maybe we gotta leave off the gas station part? as that seemed to be
what they stumbled on -

"I pulled into the gas station, and I saw a Bald Eagle flapping his wings. I found that encouraging."

the gas station part really doesn't matter.

it's the whole you usually see an eagle soaring thing -
but he's gotta flap to soar.

and my gosh, right now i'm doin' a whole lotta flappin',
so maybe that's why i was so taken with it.

it's okay to flap.
you gotta in fact.

you just gotta darn flap over and over sometimes.
it's all part of the soaring.......

love month

well, here we are, a few days into love month.
this is a good month, if we can get past the hallmark valentine thang.
it's a really good month.

it's like november being gratitude month -
it's certainly not about the hallmark image of dinner with the turkey and the fam.
it's about knowing what incredible gifts we're blessed with every day
and keeping them in mind. that's a mighty cool thing to try to keep
goin' for the month.

and that's how i feel about love month -
it's a great time to focus on love.
starting with the love for ourselves.
someone just mentioned that's it really hard to offer that to ourselves
when we're feeling dried up and weary.
and oh man, isn't that when we need it the most?
i think maybe just starting tiny is what we can do when we feel
like it's just impossible. just starting tiny, because it's a start.
and there's more -

it's about getting out of ourselves and offering love around us.
it's about acting with love, thinking with love, speaking with love.
and being aware of all that.

love month.
it's taken on such a powerful beautiful tone since i've started looking at it this way.
yeah, even in the harder years when i wasn't feelin' quite so perky.

it helps me remember to reach beyond myself.

in the dead of winter - the warmth of love wraps around me.
there's something really profound to that.
if we open to it......

hold my hand, and turn the lights back on!

bone sigh arts offers a quote of the day every weekday for
people who sign up for it. (you can sign up here if you like!)

today's quote was 'hold my hand' -
and i've been thinking about it today.
i wrote it with my guy in mind.
but it can be for any close person in your life.

and i was thinking how hard it is sometimes to hang on to the other person's
hand when it's bumpy.

seems the bump a lotta times breaks the hands apart.
and that, i guess, is the whole point of this quote.
don't let go.
and remember you're on the journey together.
easier said than done sometimes.
specially when we're feeling threatened.
that's the point tho, ya know?
hang on even when it's scary to do that!

and something i thought worth reminding all of us -

oh.
well.
go figure.
now is where i was going to post the picture of the piece
and the quote.
power went out.
bam.
it just went out.
super windy here.

grin.
what can ya do?

so for the sake of my conserving energy  i will just go ahead
and put the link here and make you go check it out yourselves!
so sorry about that.

click here to see what the heck i'm taking about!

and cross your fingers on the power coming back soon!