on my mind today......

been thinking...........wanted to share.......

looking for input....

so there have been a couple repetitive words in my life lately.
yesterday i wrote of one - 'trauma.'
today i want to write about the other - 'secrets.'

and i was hoping to get some input.

recently i've witnessed different people struggling with secrets they're holding.

i hear a lotta secrets doin' what i do.
and because of that, i can easily see that people aren't alone with those secrets.
but they don't always know that because they're too afraid/ashamed/terrified
to tell what they know.

isolation grows.
healing slows.

i truly believe in the healing power of sharing of our stories.
but when the stories are filled with secrets, we get quiet and we get stuck.

filled with all these thoughts, i enthusiastically, but not very thoughtfully,
asked about secrets on the bone sigh arts facebook page.
ahem.
a few minutes after i posted, i realized the very public spot was
probably not the most considerate place to be asking people about secrets.

to the bone sigh arts community's credit, i got some very thoughtful responses.
and i so appreciated what was shared.

it got me thinking even more about this dilemma.
and sparks of ideas have begun inside me.
but i could use some help in refining them -

i'd like to offer a page on our website for secrets.

i want to have a place we can put this stuff on the table and say 'this happened
to me and i've been carrying it alone. i want to put it down here, share it and
let some of it's weight lift. and i want others to understand they're not alone.'

that would be the point of the place.
but there needs to be some thought into the process of making something like
this happen.

my sons pointed out to me that i don't want the page to be all darkness.
great point.
a page full of dark stories can have its drawbacks unless
it includes hope in a really tangible way, i think.

so i'd like some input on that -
could people offer a secret they've been carrying AND a second half with it?
maybe a way they're working on healing from it, or something of that sort?
any thoughts on that? some sort of light with the dark? i really think we'd
need the mix.

of course everything would be anonymous. there would be no names,
initials, anything of that sort.

perhaps instead of a page, i could make an art piece? i don't know.

almost everything is open at this point.
i can't offer a private forum or anything i would have to moderate.
i don't have the time. so this would have to be something i can create and let stand
as it is and add as we go.

i was thinking of letting people know they could email me, or if they preferred,
they could snail mail me secrets. nothing graphic or i'd have to edit those parts out
just cause we'd worry about triggering others. and then i'd post them somehow.

i would want a trigger warning anyway so people knew what was happening before
they browsed whatever it was we were offering.

does this sound like a healing place to anyone else?
is this something anyone else would be interested in?
does anyone see a need for it?

any thoughts would be welcome. it's quite possible it's a bad idea and i'd be
okay with hearing that. one less thing to do, ya know?
there's no gimmick involved, no profit to be made, i'm not trying to do anything
but offer a spot that our community may need. if it's needed, i want to try.
if not, i'm good with moving on to other things.

so give me some input when you have a chance?
you can comment here, or email me privately.

Josh Urban and inspiration

wanted to share a post written by one of my favorite writers and people -

if you're an artist of any kind - including living - this may just give you
some inspiration.

thank you, josh!

'Thank You Zombies, A Reminder Of Why We Do What We Do'

thoughts on 'trauma'

i wanted to comment on 'trauma' as that word has come up more than once in less than a week.

it's a funny word.
sometimes i think it's over  used.
and sometimes i think it's way under  used.

i think that many of us can go thru something really really really really difficult.
and then think that we went thru something really hard.
we know that.
but we don't realize what we went thru was 'trauma.'

so who cares what the heck you call it?
call it hard. call it trauma. who cares?

i do.

cause i'm thinking it makes a difference in how we approach ourselves
and how we can recognize some stuff goin' on inside us.

if we think of it as trauma, i'm thinking we're more likely to 'respect' the
issue a bit more. we're more likely to understand certain reactions,
and we're more likely to cut ourselves some slack and maybe work
with ourselves a bit more.

i think it makes us more aware.

i know the first time someone referred to something in my life as 'trauma,'
i did a double take.
and i balked.
and didn't want to accept that.
'it wasn't THAT bad.' was my reaction.

thing is....i think it was.
and i realize that because i can see times where stuff in me is 'triggered'
and i REACT very strongly.
and a whole lot happens inside me.

so i got to thinking about it, and gradually came to the place i could say
'yeah, i think it was.'
and be okay with that.
but i'm not okay with saying it to other people.
cause i don't want to be a 'drama queen.'

so i can see how this whole topic/issue/word is tricky.

and i thought it was a good one to bring up.
it's okay to have trauma.
it's okay to admit it was.
and it's way okay to look at how you're working and what triggers you
and what you react to and ways to get stronger and stronger.

when we struggle with something and people tell us to move on and let it go,
and we think maybe they're right...
we're forgetting that it's only ourselves who really know the feelings inside.
and if we're having trouble with some of them, maybe it's not a matter of
letting go and moving on, maybe it's a matter of looking inward, holding
the wound a bit, acknowledging the pain, working with it and trusting that when the time
is right, we not only will move on, we'll move towards healing, not covering up.

seems important to me.

messy paint, messy life

facebook is a great place to witness righteousness.

it's terrific for support, and kindness, and thoughtfulness........
and righteousness.

my gosh.

usually when i bump into it,
i roll my eyes or get annoyed or walk away shaking my head.

today i think i did all three.
and i walked away to go paint a wall.
as i painted i thought about it.

i wanted to make a meme that said something obnoxious.
well, that's not too helpful, i told myself.
and i thought about how the simple minded - know it all - memes make me crazy,
so why would i make one?

okay.
so i decided to get beyond my simple minded reaction and think about it.

and i realized that i couldn't think of a time where i witnessed righteousness
and love mixed together.

i'm not saying there isn't.
i'm saying i couldn't think of one.

so going on the premise that all things are either love or fear,
i realized how fearful righteousness is.

why? i wondered.

and as i thought about it, and recalled different instances of it,
it seemed like the righteousness was a fearful way for people to hold on
to worlds that felt safe to them. it was easier to just have the answers
and be all clean and tidy and locked up and 'safe.'

i thought of the examples that i had seen lately.
and suddenly, instead of annoyance, i felt compassion.
how hard it would be to have to hang on to your world so tightly.

i looked at the paint splattered all over me.
i can't even paint tidy.
no wonder i don't have tidy answers for my life.
but i guess i really like it that way.
both with the paint and my life.

i don't think there are any simple answers ever to living -
unless you boil it all down to 'just love.'
and we all know, there ain't nothin' simple about that.

so if you're looking for that simple answer,
if you're feeling like you've got it and you're feeling righteous,
maybe it'd be a good time to stop and see if what you're
really feeling is some kinda fear.

i'm pretty sure we gotta put that down to let the love in.

sigh

there has been so much goin' on lately
that i honestly have no idea where to start.
it's like when you want to catch someone up on your life,
but the days have been too packed.
where do you begin?!

i think i'll start with a continuation from a post
that's three posts down - ( a light bulb)
which had the basic message of when we become adults,
we can't expect people who are hurting us to stop it.
it's up to us to stop the harm.

it's up to us to stop the harm.

i have been telling myself that over and over as there has been
more than one person lately that i've wanted to kick to the moon
for their harmful dysfunctions.

there's a voice in me that keeps saying something like this -
'fine. be a dysfunctional mess. fine. just keep it to yourself.
stop hurting the people around you.'

and then i remember, that's not how it works and the people i'm
concerned with are old enough to sort thru it. altho, some just barely.
sigh.
but still, old enough to learn to protect themselves.
they don't need me to kick people to the moon.
and i know their journey thru this will make them stronger and deeper.

but still.
honestly.
i just wish people would take their harmful dysfunctions to their own personal island.

or better yet - to the net.
(awhile ago i decided that there are some people i just wish would drop
off the planet. i don't want harm to come to them, i just want them to
disappear. so i imagined a big net on the side of the earth they could just
drop into. they have since been dubbed 'netters' around my house.)

they don't go away tho. they don't drop into a net.
and sometimes for various reasons, they stay somewhat in our lives.

i understand that.
i just don't like it.

tho, when i sit myself down and think it thru, i realize what great teachers
these people are for those of us learning to stop the harm.

and i believe that.

life isn't about being all easy and happy.
it's about growing and learning and really understanding so that when
we do have joy, it's the deep deep real joy that living offers.

so, yeah, i remember that.
and i calm down.
and then i repeat to anyone who will listen -
it's up to us to learn, to grow, and to stop the harm.

feeling it.

she thought it was that her heart was heavy -
but when she stopped to really feel it,
she realized it was more like her lung was bruised.
like it was heavy to breathe.
like it was hard to sit up.
her eyes didn't want to focus
but her mind wouldn't stop focusing.
and echoing inside over and over
was the crying of her inner child.
when she finally stopped to really feel it,
she closed those heavy eyes
and saw the little one inside.
resting her head against the bruised lung
the little one breathed in time with those aching parts.
together they held each other.
and for a beautiful little while,
they did nothing else.

shedding past lives

there has been major house upheaval around here.
makin' room for that guy of mine to move on in!
yes! it's great news. and i'm quite tickled.

and in cleaning out i keep coming face to face with
the different worlds my one life time has held so far.

i've been kinda puzzled with it all.

how they feel so far away.
like they weren't even mine.

i have a couple friends i went to high school with.
they loved that time and would go back in a heartbeat.
they talk about it with great exuberance.

i can barely remember any of it
i would never go back.
and it doesn't feel like i was ever there.
i have memories that make me laugh or groan or cringe.
but that's it.

that's just one example of many different life times.

and what i'm finding interesting is that except for when my sons were little,
i'm not sentimental about any of it.

i have some good memories from each 'lifetime' and i cherish the good
that came from those times....but that's it.

so when i pick up an item from a past life,
i find myself detached and not at all concerned with hanging on to it.

i think that's probably good.
i think it means i'm happy where i am
and i want to keep going forward.

i feel good about all that.
yet, at the same time, i feel odd.

it's like being older. we all know the feeling -
we know we're a certain amount of years on the outside,
but on the inside, it really doesn't compute that we're anything
besides 16 or whatever the age is.

it's kinda like that.
i know i had these past lives and i have memories from them.
but it doesn't compute that it was really me.

it's been at least a month now of this happening to me as i clean.
bumping up to the past, marveling that i really lived that life,
and feeling like it's so far removed from me that i barely recognize it.

how odd.
and how wonderful.
how wonderful we all get all these lives packed into one!
and how wonderful to shed them and keep on moving forward.

i think i really like this.......

a light bulb

thinking out loud here......
thought this was a good place to do it.

i was thinking about people who have some pretty rough dysfunctions
which cause them to be harmful to others. not always obvious to other
people in the surrounding area, but very harmful to someone close by.

this can cover a ton of people/problems, i know.

so i was thinking of one person in particular, and then just kinda got broader
to include anyone like that.

i thought of the harm that they can cause to children.
emotionally, mentally, physically......any of it.
and some of the harm can be scars that are there for life.
even harm enough to end a life.

okay.
so i'm thinking of that stuff.
thinking of the people who do that.
and how they don't stop.
just cause their children grow up, doesn't mean they stop inflicting pain.

and because i was taking one person in particular in my head for an example,
it helped me see really clearly that maybe the person being harmed has no choices as a kid -
but when they grow up, it's really up to them to make the decisions to stop the harm.

so, okay....i haven't been doin' bone sighs for this long without realizing
that's an almost 'flip' thing to say. it sounds like i'm saying 'just make it stop.'
and i'm not.  i realize some of the pain is so deep and so disturbing sometimes,
that the person may not understand how to stop it, or even that they can.

i get that.
and i respect that.
so if you bristled, please don't.
i really do get that.

i think i'm talking about people who have come to a place where they know they can
make it stop. maybe they aren't sure exactly how,but they want to.

the more i thought about it, the more i realized that part of me just hangs on
to some kinda thought that the dysfunctional person will realize what they're
doing and stop hurting others.

some part of me wants that to be the case so some part of me holds something there
that can't work.

it can't work that way.
or, i guess it just mostly doesn't.
it's gotta be the one getting harmed stopping the harm.

in thinking about all this it was really clear to me.
it's up to you, me, us to stop the harm done to ourselves.

i'm not sure this fits at all. but it comes to mind and since i'm thinking out loud -
spose i'm having health problems. and eating certain things will hurt me and
quite possibly bring me deeper into the problems. and someone smiles at me
all the while knowing this, and hands me the very thing i need to avoid.

it's my job to say 'that hurts me. no thank you.'
or even 'that hurts me, why would you offer it to me?'

as an adult, it's up to me.
as a kid, it's a different story.

so, maybe anyone who's been really wounded as a kid really needs to offer themselves
self compassion. maybe really really deeply understand that they were a kid and it works
different then. it wasn't their fault. it wasn't their doin'. and be kind to that part of them.
(i know so many people struggle with that)
and then step up - even if you're shaking - as an adult and say 'from this day forward,
i'm going to work on not accepting the harm.'

maybe we get confused about it all.
i don't know.
i think i have.
i think that thinking the person doing the harming will stop is a stumbling block.
i think the getting lost in childhood guilt is a stumbling block.
and i think actively working on avoiding the harm, while extremely difficult, is empowerment.

and i realize none of this is news.
and yet, i felt compelled to come think, to come type, to come share.

how can something so simple as 'it's up to us to stop the harm?' be such a light bulb for me?
not sure. but it is.
so i'm putting it out here.

gonna watch those decisions...

there are times i rock a good attitude.
and times i don't.
and when i do, i'm always impressed with how much a good attitude improves things.
and then, of course, comes the bewilderment of why i don't practice one way more often.

yesterday was a hot and muggy day.
today more of the same, altho i can't tell if it's my good attitude,
or it's just nicer today, but it feels better today.
the good weather comes in tomorrow.

the quandry - there's not enough time for everything.
i gotta get the lawn mowed in between a thousand other things,
and with the good weather coming in, i REALLY wanted to garden.

soooo do i mow on the muggy days or the beautiful ones?
i chose to mow muggy, garden gorgeous.
and i knew it was my choice to mow in the muck.
and i knew i was doing it to make room for something i loved on a day it'd feel great.

so i went out and mowed in the soup.
and i tell ya, i got pretty soppy.
i was really good with it.
did most of it last nite, a bit more today.

i know darn well it was my attitude.
cause honestly, there are a million other things i'd rather do.
and feelin' that good about gettin' that soppy takes a good attitude.

i didn't want to set myself up with the ol' expectations that can get you
in trouble, so in case tomorrow's not beautiful, i have still vowed to garden
in the rain or whatever comes.

i covered my bases, baby!

and i see that the decision part of it really put me in a good mood.
i liked the decision, committed to it, and went. and have been happy
all the way thru.

yes, it's an odd example and who the heck cares that you mowed your lawn
and you're gonna garden?

the thing is tho......i rocked the attitude.
i sopped with sass.
and i love it when i do that and want more of it in my life.

so i'm watching how and why.

and i think the  knowing that it was my decision made a big difference.
so, like, just about everything i do is my own decision.
so why is this different?
i was consciously aware of it.
i thought it thru.
and took charge of it.
didn't feel like a victim to it.

and i'm thinking that if i'm not making all my decisions this way,
um.......i'm missing a lot.

so i'm off on a research trip into my days.
i'm gonna watch how i make decisions and which ones make me feel good.
and which ones don't.
seems like this could be really interesting.

a research trip into my mind........
oh man, i think i just started something!

and the birthday quiets down....

and so the birthday celebrating is winding down....
and i always laugh because part of me is okay with that.
i guess i can only take so much of a good thing.
but it's been wonderful.

i watched a lot as i went along.
i was part of many different interactions.

some cherished souls really shone thru this
and reminded me of how i wanted to be for them and for everyone i love.

fully festively present.

i want to give people i love the gift of being fully festively present.
and the gift of seeing them thru that.
i guess if you're fully present, you would naturally see the other person.
i want to celebrate the love that i have for the person.
i want to celebrate the person.

of course, then it gets tricky.
not everyone wants to be fully celebrated.
altho...that's hard to believe, isn't it?
i think maybe some people just feel fully celebrated in different ways.
and that needs to be part of it all.
offering it the way they need.

so, yeah, it's never a straight simple recipe.
but however it comes out, i can see what a gift it is to offer someone.
i was blessed with how many times i got this gift,
how many times i felt seen.
and when i felt like someone went the extra mile for me.
that meant the world to me.

i want to remember that and offer it back.
on birthdays for sure.........and more often thru out the year.
what a gift to give - the gift of celebrating each other!

and! i remembered to give it to myself as well.
i think i did that this year better than ever.
it's good to see some growth happening between birthdays.
the kind that isn't counted in calories!

happy birthday!

okay, so i wasn't gonna post today.
not usually around on saturdays and well, i got some good goofin' to do today.
but i had to come by cause i've been just so filled with a thought and i wanted to share.

birthdays -
i've always used them as a great excuse to be festive and fun.
i like to celebrate. i love holidays.
so you know, what's better than your very own holiday???
so yeah, i've always been partial to them.
so partial, that i turn birthDAYS into birthMONTHS.

but this year, well, i really am hit with it all from a different angle.
there have been years i've lost people and when my birthday rolls around,
i feel very grateful to be here. that always seems to be magnified by loss.

but this year, i got hit a bit deeper with that, i think.
maybe because the loss was so recent,
maybe because the loss was a friend who was a mom to kids my kids' age.
maybe cause i'm getting older.
who knows.....

but this year i understand in a really deep way how lucky i am to be here.
i understand how much i have and what an incredible life i live.
for a few months now i have really tried to focus on what i DO have and
not what i don't have. and you know, there's been more magic to that than
i realized. and i can feel it now, today, in my birthday.

today has turned into something so much more for me.
it's one big gigantic thank you to the universe day.
kinda like my own personal thanksgiving!
i am so grateful to be here and to be learning and to be growing
and to be moved in a thousand different ways.
even all that stuff that's not so fun feels like something to be really
grateful for today.

i say it a lot - we don't have to be here.
it's a gift.

today i'm feelin' it with my whole heart.
and i'm bowing down to something so much bigger than me that
i'll never understand, yet some part of me will always know.
and i'm holdin' gratitude so much so that i just may burst!

happy birthday to me, to you, to everyone!
and to those we're missing today - you are held with love and shining
here with us. i can feel it.

gearin' up for the birthday......

it's birthday eve day around here for me.
and i am just gearing up beautifully!
i decorated the other nite.
cleaned this morning.
went to the thrift store looking for goodies,
and soon i'll be headin' to the grocery store looking for food treats!
there really is something cool about getting older -
you don't need to wait for someone else to treat you -
you can do it yourself!

i'm really blessed tho as every time i turn around, there's another
treat from someone wonderful to help me celebrate.
so ALREADY it's been great fun!

tomorrow's the actual day, and since i won't be around the computer then,
i figured today was the day to share the 'birthday wisdom.'

this is a tradition my dad started. he would ask the birthday person
for one piece of wisdom they had to share.

i did this last year here on the blog
and i'm not exactly sure what i said -
but i have a feeling it was the same wisdom,
because this particular bit has really made an impression on me
and this seems to be the recurring thought i want to shout out from rooftops -

hush up and listen.
stop talking - unless it's to ask questions -
and then sincerely listen to the responses given.

i guess the prettier way to say that is to listen with the intention to understand.

i kinda like 'shut up and listen.'  :)

look around you and watch.
we're not doin' it.
watch your own self.
we're not doin' it as much as we think we're doin' it.

and i really really think if we started to really take this to heart,
the world would change.

so that's what i want to leave here as we go into the weekend.
and i'll try to remember to take my own advice this weekend,
which will be hard as i'll be all wound up about my birthday -
but i'll try.

sharing

not too long ago i was sitting at panera waiting for a friend for tea.
i went early to write and ended up next to a table of older people just shootin' the breeze.

i'm pretty good at tuning people out - a fine art i learned in school -
so i did tune these guys out. but before i did, i caught a bit of their conversation.
and the feeling of their group.

i wrote about it.

and then, again, later, i found myself near a similar group and i thought of this piece.

thought i'd post it here to remind us of who we want to be.
or who we don't want to be.


she could see it -
Oooooh -
a huge black cloud over top of them.
they made it bigger and bigger with each angry judgmental thing they said.
ohhh - a flash of lightning -
not the pretty kind -
the angry kind -
just crashed over his puffy face.
no wonder they sat hunched and walked stiff and slow -
they had to hold a lot of gunk inside them.


really really made me think about what i wanted to talk about with people
and how i wanted to do that.....and why i wanted to do that......

good stuff to keep in mind.

'i want to be under the sky,' she said.

'why?' i asked.

'because it reminds me how small things are -

even when they feel big.

and if i just look up,

i'll know i belong somewhere.

i'll remember the sky inside of me.'

plopping down next to her,

we rested in the breeze

and let the clouds float over us.

more gold nuggets to offer

worked late last nite.
when i finally finished, i landed at my kitchen table with some dinner
and my mark nepo book.
the window was open, it was dark outside, and the frogs were singing up a storm.

i sat there and just listened to them for a bit.
i love my frogs.
they make me think of my kids.
they sound like miniature monkeys out there.
i can hear the different ones and the different sounds and it makes me
think of my very big gorilla guys.

i eventually turned to mark nepo's book ('the endless practice') and was reading
about emptiness and hollowing out. he talks of the hollowness of musical instruments
and says 'this is a great example of the necessity of emptiness in order to make music.'
i smiled. i've heard that kinda thing, but loved the reminder. 'i really want to remember
that' i sat there thinking.

and then he went on and talked of open spaces.
he mentioned the grand canyon, tops of mountains, and the ocean.
'the mystery and magnificence of life somehow shimmers through the magnitude
of the openness.'

'whether the grand canyon or the depth opened by our heartache or an
empty theater, the resource is equal to the space opened. consider how a simple well
dug in the ground can only hold as much water as the well is deep. and so it is with us.
the digging is always painful, because experience hollows out the instrument that is us.
yet, somehow, the bottom of personal emptiness, if we can reach it, brings us to
a common song of being.'

i love this man.
i love this thought.
and i wanted to share.

after i typed the blog below,
i bumped into this quote....
thought it was perfect, so thought i'd share......

back in the game........

oh this darn open heart stuff.
sometimes i get so tired of it.
it can hurt, ya know?
and sometimes the blow from those hurts just knocks me over.
and when it's more than one blow in a row,
i tend to just wanna quit.

so that happened.
and so i found a safe place.
and crawled in and curled up.
and said i wanted to quit.
stated it out loud.
cause sometimes you have to.

and then i got quiet and watched.
and saw.
i saw what i took as reminders of why i want to open in the first place.

i saw places where i had doubted love had touched show up and say 'yeah, it did touch here.'

i saw places that said 'this is what you want - you want to feel
because it truly is living fully. you want to feel it all.
and living open does that.'

...and living fully hurts.

it just does.

and i took all that and held it.
and when i hit the next moment that i wanted to hide,
i didn't.
i stepped inside that moment and said 'i'm here.'
and it turned into a healing moment.

and then i surrounded myself with the ones i trust and love most.
and remembered - terri...it's worth it.

sometimes i think people think it's easy for me.
that i just do it.
oh no. that couldn't be further from the truth.
so i thought i would post this for anyone else wanting to quit.

let's not quit.
let's just take breaks here and there when it hurts.
but let's keep at it.
even tho it's hard.
cause......it really is the only way, isn't it?

for my sons...

we laughed.
we talked.
we cried.
we got mad.
we got strong.
we learned.
we grew.
we understood.
we misunderstood.
we hurt each other.
we forgave each other.
we leaned.
we supported.
we cheered each other on.
we shared our victories, our sorrows,our fears and our candy.
we snorted at inside jokes.
squeezed together in tight places.
ate off each other's plates.
stole bites from each other's desserts.
made home made presents.
repaired broken pipes and broken hearts.
mopped up spills of drinks and of life.
gave each other treats, headaches and hand-me-downs.
we shared one tiny bathroom
in one small house
with one big yard.
we played capture the flag and tag and hide and seek.
we played cards, board games, and pit.
shouting louder and louder each time.
we watched storms roll in.
we watched blue skies come back.
we learned math, english and psychology.
we read books.
built things.
exploded stuff.
i squirmed, you laughed.
i worried, you proved me wrong.
we laughed.
we talked.
we cried.
we got mad.
we got strong.
and every step of the way we became a team.
you've grown up.
i've grown old(er).
you've moved out.
i've moved in.
mother's day comes and brings the memories.
mother's day comes and tugs on my heart.
mother's day comes and wraps a knowing around me.
mother's day comes and fills me with gratitude.
three sons.
i gave birth to you.
three suns.
you gave life to me.
happy mother's day!

workin' on it.

i budget.
it's just a way of life.
i don't do it cause it's fun.
i do it cause i have to.
i hate to talk about it because in all honesty,
i am the richest person i know.
just not in the money sense.
but it needs to be stated here so you know that i try to save where i can.

yesterday i found a mistake i made that will blow any budgeting
i had done in that area for months. and it's an area i really do stay aware of.
well, mostly.

i couldn't believe it.
i'm not sure what the right word is to describe how i felt.
'sick' is a bit dramatic.
'upset' works pretty good.
but it's like upset while kicking myself. hard.

i found out while i was heading to weed the garden.
so i kicked myself a bit.
then went to weed.
knew that would make me feel better.

and i listened to my self talk as i leaned into the garden.
and i gotta say - it sucked.

and i also gotta say, i'm not proud of this at all.
but i think the way we treat ourselves should be talked about.
and adjusted!

so i said something like this -
and this was a step up from what i had been sayin' to myself!
this was the 'reasonable' part of me talking -

'well, you screwed up, so you gotta pay for that screw up.'
just all serious and straight logic with myself.
and nothing i'd ever say to anyone else.
complete lack of anything but cold 'well, you gotta pay the price
for being an idiot' stuff.

i heard it and thought 'hmmmm....'

later that nite i thought about what i would have said if one of my
kids made the mistake i made.
it woulda been something like this -

'accidents happen. it's okay cause we learned!'

then i wondered what i would say to a friend .
it would be something like this -

'don't worry about it. it's okay. no big deal.'

i thought it was funny i'd throw in the 'learning' part to my kids.
always the home-schooler.

so.
turns out i'd be awesome fine to everyone but me.
turns out i wouldn't kick anyone else around or be cold and unfeeling.

gosh.
gosh.
gosh.

i wanna kick myself around a bit over this!
(that was a joke)  :)

no, honestly, i wanna look at this - granted it's a bit past the moment,
but it still counts cause i'm seeing it - and i wanna offer myself compassion.
'gosh, terri,you've been budgeting and trying so hard to make that work,
and one mistake takes all that away. gosh, that's discouraging. but it's okay.
it really doesn't matter. what matters is that you know it all works out in the end.
and you know that, so you're doin' good.'

wouldn't THAT have been a nice FIRST response?
yeah......well........i'm workin' on it.
i'm workin' on it.
and THAT woulda been a nice response to my kids or my friends.
so i'm workin' on this all the way around.

always a work in progress over here......

your words matter

i haven't done one of those 'balls of strings' blogs in a long time.
one of those posts that ties in strings from here, there and everywhere.
but today feels right for just such a thing.

we'll start with this string -
i've been thinking a lot about my life, what i'm doin' with it, how i'm living it,
and where i want to go with it. living with heart, offering my heart, and opening my
heart all come to the surface when i do this pondering.

DOING something for the world has been a strong string wrapping around things lately.
it's my emotional response to the darkness that i read about in the news. the deep
desire to DO something to counter the dark.

bone sigh arts is a big ol' string all in itself. it is my job, yet winds around every
part of my life. growing the business is on my mind. marketing is on my mind.
as well as listening to my heart, following my inner guidance, trusting the process,
and holding integrity.

you guys are a constant string. your presence, your stories, your struggles, your
triumphs fill my days. some days more than others.......lately it's been a lot. lately
you've been a big ol' string in this ball of strings i'm rollin' around.

so then something really nice happens. elizabeth gilbert, a best selling author, and
a woman i truly admire, shares an image i made with one of my quotes on facebook.
bam! lots and lots of people see it because of her huge presence.

i find out thru friends sharing it on my own facebook wall.
they're delighted for me.
and they're delight delights me.

i am excited because she is such a big name and it is great for exposure. i tell my
family with great glee. it's not lost on me that this is a really cool thing.

but then....i start to get a little uncomfortable. people are so excited that my work
has come to her attention, or at least enough for her to spread an image of mine.
i totally understand that they are delighted for me because of the exposure and the
'nod' that it is.

so here's a string of good things. it's a good good thing she shared it. it's a good good
thing my friends care. that's a good string.

but there's this other string that twists around it a bit. i get to wondering if it's right
that this should be such good news. because in all honesty, i have no idea if ms. gilbert
just thought it was nice and something good to share or if it moved her. but i do know
from private notes from people who will never be famous that this quote or another
quote truly mattered to them.

i've had my breath taken away from people i don't know who tell me what the quotes
have meant to them, the places they've brought them to get thru trials that they didn't
know they could get thru, the healing that the quotes have touched on, the insights that
the quotes have sparked. the wounds that have been touched.

stuff that makes me bow my head with respect, gratitude and awe.

they share my images on facebook too.

it humbles me in a way i will never be able to put into words. and it honors me deeply.

so then all the strings that i've been chewin' on lately ball together. and i get muddled.

i've argued with myself over the discomfort i've been feeling about the excitement
over ms. gilbert's posting. one doesn't negate the other. both can be exciting. both are
truly a gift. there's no conflict here, terri.

and yes.
i believe that.
and with all my heart i'm incredibly grateful.
but the strings whirling inside of me -
the were pulling on me somehow -
and somehow without me really understanding how -
i felt like it all went together.

there was such a part of me that needed to shout out to the world that all the
people who have been touched by the bone sighs and have spread them around
and have used them for their own healing journey - you guys matter so deeply to me.
you guys have changed my life. it doesn't matter that you're not famous. your
courage and strength are so inspiring. you are famous to me.

and so i've been telling myself it's balance.
love it all, respect it all, enjoy it all.
but don't get lost in numbers of likes or numbers of compliments.
hold the knowing that offering who you are is what you believe in.
and whatever happens from there happens.

as i was thinking about all this i got a note.
one of those notes that hits deep. one of those notes that reminds me
to keep going no matter what. and one of those notes that's an affirmation
of the universe.....

it was from someone who found my quote thru elizabeth gilbert
and she told me what it meant to her.

bam.
i felt like the universe just told me -
it's balance terri.
and it's good stuff.
and it's so much to be grateful for.
forget the numbers, listen to the hearts,
and rejoice in this journey you've been given.

this woman ended her note telling me my words matter.
and i realized that's what i wanted to say - YOUR words matter.
THANK YOU for all you have offered me.

the no bull peace prize!

there are times something unexpected arrives at just the exact moment
you need it to. i love it when that happens.

last week as i was really giving a lot of thought to what it is that i am
doing with my life, i got a surprise in the mail from someone i have never met.

a 'no bull peace prize'!!! - for those 'who are creating the world with love.'

ahhhhhh.....talk about a beautiful affirmation.
actually, it was so beautiful and fun and affirming,
that i cried. and then sat down to write the person who gave it to me.

she wrote back and a connection was born.

i really wanted to spread her and her work around, so i thought
i would post the link to the no bull peace prize page here.

you can find her page here.

thank you, welles, for making my life brighter!

an engineer at heart

so this is what happens with an engineer in my life -
he says something i never heard of,
and it catches my mind on fire.

like 'critical path.'

OOooOooohhhhh i say...what's THAT?!
and i start repeating 'critical path. critical path. critical path.'
cause i love how it sounds.

okay, so now you gotta forgive the non-engineer defining of this -
this is filtered thru me, so you know....take it with a grain of salt -
but this is what's got me all tickled, so who cares if it's accurate or not?
that's not the point!

so like you're doin' a project.
and you got a buncha different things you gotta do.
which thing is kinda pluggin' up the works at the moment?
the thing that needs unpluggin' so the rest can flow right then,
THAT's the critical path.

ahem.
i apologize to any engineers for that.
but that's what i got.

what's pluggin' up the darn works?
that's where we gotta focus.

oh man......you KNOW that caught my interest.

i found myself driving and thinking about that.
i wanted to find the critical paths in my life.

but you know....that means i gotta have something in mind that i'm
trying to accomplish, right? so you gotta kinda know your goal.
oh great, i groan.
i gotta know my goal in life?
but you do know, i argue.
you do.

and i do.

but i go to the one that i'm workin' on right now.
the sub-goal.
that's to stay present. to see how lucky i am.
to realize all the bounty and glory all around me.

okay.
so what gets in my way?
well.........hmmmmmm......it's the staying present stuff.
i slip and fall asleep over and over.

so my critical path right now is to keep myself awake?

not sure.
now i'm confused.
but i think that's prolly it.

and i don't know how to.
i mean, if i knew that, i could type that out and be some kinda
amazing guru, right? but i haven't a clue.

at this point i find myself in an aisle at target with a tiny little boy.
he's sitting in his cart making the most wonderful noises.
he's happy and he's cooing.
my back is to him as i'm checkin' out something real important
like hooks. and i hear him. and my whole being melts.

i turn towards him and smile and start talking to him.
hooks have taken the back seat to this little boy's glow.
not wanting to be some kinda weirdo shopper and freak out his mom,
i turn back to the hooks after i've filled up on the glow.

i grab what i need, and go to the next aisle.
i hear his cooing again.
i stand one aisle over just listening.

cooing.
totally in the present.
totally there.

i head off thinking that's it....i gotta unplug my cooing pipe.
i gotta unplug the gunk so i just coo.
that's my critical path.
but now i see there must be more to this engineering stuff....
cause you gotta figure out how.

i wonder what they call that? the figuring out of it all?
i imagine they use schematics. (see! i DO hang out with these
engineery types and pick up words!) but i think i need to use
visuals....

and won't that be fun?!
visuals to see what's gunking up the cooing pipe.
oh man, i am such an engineer at heart!

moments of waking up

i have been tryin' hard to keep in mind how lucky i am.
it's really a cool thing to do as it just keeps so much in perspective.

the last thing i felt like doing today was mowing my back yard.
and yet.........i thought about that.
how i HAVE a back yard.
and how beautiful it is.
okay.
i mowed completely differently than i would have.
i mowed with appreciation.
not like it was a chore.

i keep thinking about people who are living where fear is such a huge issue.
where there is no safety.
where there are no yards.

i thought about that as we drove to lowes this weekend.
i looked at the beautiful spring popped out all over
and thought of how lucky i was to live where i do.

and when i found myself standing in the garden section of the store,
i wanted every plant in there.
i love plants.
and i just wanted to buy all of them.

so i tried something.

i told myself 'instead of wanting - why don't you really really look.
do nothing more than really really look. get nothing. see everything.'

ohmygosh.
the flowers were even more incredible than they were moments before that thought.
i looked at them and thought how unreal they looked. the colors and the shapes and
the way they hung from the stems....the leaves, the stems, the bursts of petals -
the glory of the flowers just completely overtook me.

and i looked up.
at the people milling all around.
picking out what plants they wanted for their porches or their yards.
passing these over here, barely looking at those, never giving any indication
that they realized how incredibly blessed we all were to be standing there in
the clean safe stocked to the brim mountain of flowers that were there for us to purchase.

'please, god, don't let me take this stuff for granted any more,' i thought.
and that's when i heard it -
the sound all around me -
the sound of god shouting thru the flowers!
shouting because it was too magnificent to do anything else.
shouting in a sound that is always around me -
but rarely do i hear.

sometimes i have these brief awake moments,
and i see how asleep i can be so much of the time.
my flower moment this weekend really reminded me -

i am lucky beyond imagination to be where i am.
and i so want to respect that and really really hold it with gratitude -
and awareness.
i know i'll fall asleep again,
walk thru the flowers again without hearing the shout,
but i'm gonna keep trying to wake up.
because it's the least someone can do who is as lucky as i am.
it's the very least.

doing something.....

i have noticed that when i come up against something horribly dark,
or just a really really difficult struggle - i am filled with the need to DO something.
it happens every time.

which can be a bit frustrating if you read the news.

i try to keep the news in balance in my life.
sometimes i don't do so good with that.
sometimes i just about drown with it all.
and then i take a sabbatical and try to balance again.

and sometimes something will hit so deeply that i'll just feel that need again -
that overwhelming need to DO something.

this morning that happened to me.
that overwhelming feeling came.
along with the tears.

i headed for the shower, turned on the prayer music and tried to just get centered.
yet the tug was there -
what can i possibly do?
it's so huge and so beyond me.
what can i possibly do?

and then....
the answer that always seems to come to me when no other answer will come -
whispered to me again.

it's in one of my bone sighs.....the one i have for grief -

“weeping and aching, 
i longed to honor your passing.
i longed to honor your life.
searching everywhere, 
i found only one answer.
honor myself.
become all that i am.
and carry you inside that beauty. ”

i got to thinking about how incredibly wealthy i am just because i live where i live.
i got to wondering about that.
and i got to wondering about how i live and what i do with what i have.
and i got to thinking about how i act.

and i got to thinking that the very least i can do is value my blessings with all i have,
understand how lucky i am, work very hard at not adding any more pain to the world,
work hard at taking any pain i can away.

do exactly what that bone sigh says -
-honor myself -
become all that i am.

part of me wants to argue that and say that's nothing. you're doing nothing.
but the answer back to that is ' then why is it so hard?'

it's one place i can start.
it's one place i have control over.
it's one thing i can lift up every single day and say - i offer my heart.
as open and loving as i can make it.