honesty and mist

honesty

one heck of a word.

and not as obvious as i thought.
i thought if you just weren't lyin' all over the place,
you were basically honest.
a white lie here or there....okay......but you were
basically honest if you were mindful of tryin' to
tell the truth.

well.....somewhere along the way i got a much deeper
view of the whole thing.

and i figured out being honest was one of the hardest
things to do in the world. makes it to the top five hardest
things list, i think.

cause the main part that we skim over is the being honest
with ourselves part. ah yes.......we fly over that thought.
of course we are.

hmmm.......i'm thinking that's worth a deeper look.

even if you WANT to be....do you know HOW to be??

personally, i can trick myself like a master magician.
i can make myself believe stuff that just isn't true. i can
create my own reality, weave a web of denial, and paint
with colors that aren't there like a pro.

and it's THERE that i have to learn how to be honest.
because if you've got it there, then you've got the strength
to have it everywhere.

i just saw it flash right before my eyes.
someone not being honest with someone else, and hurting
them in the process. having done this myself, i know the
intentions can be good. not wanting to hurt, trying to make
things okay......that kinda thing. but the outcome sucks.
and the whole method needs to be dropped.

but can it be dropped without that inner work? without
figurin' out where you're trickin' yourself? i'm thinking it
can't. i'm thinking that if you really want to be honest....
then it's the whole shabang......the deep down stuff too.

i'm watchin' someone who can't go there. and in a way,
that's really helpful. because i can see their fears......and i can
see that their fears are part of the game. and that the fears
have a good chance of winning....

and funny, i can see their fears as just made up mist.
easy to see THEIR'S that way. helpful for me to take that
and turn towards mine.

i'm thinking that in the depths of honesty is that swirling pool
of love. and i want to find that place....
when it's all over, i don't want to say the fears won. ya know?
i want to be swimming in that pool.......

laughter

the boys had me laughing so hard at breakfast that
i thought i'd fall outta my chair.

and as i laughed, i heard myself.....
it sounded sooooooo good!

this change your life week stuff has been good for
me. just kinda giving me that 'empowered' feeling
of goin' for what it is i want.......
and then sittin' back and sayin'......take me where
i need to go.......

however it works out, i want to keep the laughter
in my life.

easier said than done.

i've been a bit low on laughter lately.......and yeah,
i know, that's part of the deal. there's been a lot
of sadness.

but.....
there's a lotta good stuff right now.

that sadness hasn't left me. infact, i'm feelin' like
it's here for a long haul...
but it's allowing me to tuck it to the side and
laugh again.

and my gosh, that feels good.

and i'm thinkin' that i just have never realized
what a gift laughter is.

one thing i know.......life without it sure is a drag.

my plan today is to laugh as much as i can...
and each time i do laugh, i want to listen to it
and embrace it.

it's not a gift to be taken for granted!!

fre and tess find their way home...

sometimes i'm just a darn wimp.

i let time, things, health, life, get in the way of
what i really want.

and then i sit back and say something wimpy like:
well, maybe this is the way it has to be.
or
well, i guess this is for the best.
or
it's okay.

well......um......let me see.......
it's change your life week, right?
gosh, i'm lovin' that!

well, how about this?
SCREW THAT WIMPY GARBAGE!

it's NOT okay.
and it took my friend callin' me today to tell me
she wants us to change the distance between us
for me to figure this out!

i get lost, see, in this thing about acceptance.
that i need to accept.
i believe that.
i really do.
and i need to jump and leap.
i really do. i believe that too.
and my gosh, i need to release and fall.
all of that......i'm a believer!
AND......
i need to NOT accept too.
yeah......that's a big one......
NOT ACCEPTING.

it's such a doggone balance that it can drive one
to insanity.

except during change your life week......
then you can see......
you CAN make changes that you want.

what's that great quote??
something about wishing you the strength to
change the things you can and accept the things
you can't and the wisdom to know the difference.
something like that......

they aren't kiddin' on that wisdom stuff.
whew.
don't know if i'll ever get that down..........
but i do know........there's one big change i want
to make today.
and i don't even have to fake it til i make it.

i already made it!

welcome home fre and tess!
you're one heck of a team!

fake it til you make it....

he was talking about something else.......
someone else.......
a concept we had discussed before.......

'what is that phrase' he asked? and fuddled
around for the right words.

'fake it til you make it?' i asked.

yep. that's the one........

i'm a believer in that.
but forget way too often.
and run and hide with fear.

why not?
fake it til you make it.
think i'll do that today.
i have just the thing i can do that with!

but i'm so tired, i told myself as i walked.
soooo groggy.
don't have the energy to fake it til i make it.

interesting, isn't it?
no energy to help myself.

ahhhh...but it IS change your life week.

okay.........guess i can start with the energy.....
and fake that til i make that.
and then go from there.

looks like it's the week for it.....
what the heck.

off to it.......
and grinnin'.
cause i think i can do this.........

jumping, leaping, releasing, falling........

i was just thinking....

about jumping and leaping.

feelin' like i've been workin' really hard on that.
tryin' really hard to keep doin' that.

it's tiring, but good.
i figured it was good.

and yeah, it is good......

but it's hardly where i need to get to, is it?
it dawned on me just now.....

it's not about jumping and leaping.....

it's about releasing and falling.

and that one thought...
right there.......
stunned me.

how totally cool.
and how totally outta my grasp right now......

but maybe that's the secret.....
there is no grasping to releasing and falling.....

sigh.

change your life week!

okay.
that did it.
it pushed me over the edge.
when my bestest bud told me something that i was totally
blind to, i figured it was time for me to wake up and start
seeing things better.

enough already. (oh! there's that phrase again!!)

i decided that i was going to try to tune in more all around.

i started today.
actually fasted.
i haven't fasted in a gazillion years.

felt good.
it reminded me all day that i was tryin' to make a change.

i declared it 'change your life day!'

and i watched.......and i listened.......

and i remembered something.......

there's this incredible dance between making your life what
you want....and knowing it's not yours to control.

it's a delicate dance and one that requires incredible
balance......and one i'd forgotten about for a long time here....
think i fell off my shoes or something...

and i remembered something else....

the happiest i've ever been was when i knew i was just in
for the ride and that all i needed to do was stay open and
watch.

and as those memories were comin' back to me....a few things
happened that cemented all of that in my head.

i'm all excited again.
like i've remembered gold.
how could i have forgotten?!

so.....i just officially declared it 'change your life WEEK!'
maybe that will turn into two weeks, a month.....a year......
a lifetime.......

just thanking my lucky stars tonite!

ballroom blitz?

there's this really goofy youtube video that i just love.
the boys showed it to me and actually had to explain it to me!!
but once they did, it became a favorite! i'm not sure i can put
a link here to it, but i'll try:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1iDbBEAycs

it's a taxi cab driver who's won the lotto. so he can be real choosy
now as to who he picks up for a fare. he can do what he wants.
and he doesn't want anyone who's a drag.

there's this one part right in the beginning where he leans over
and locks his door cause he doesn't want this particular dull person
in his cab.

after another dull, disappointing person comes up, he gets out to
find the right one.......
and the right one is this goofy guy you'd never expect to be the one!

the test questions is "ballroom blitz?!" and well.....you have to watch
it to see.......

BOTH the cab driver and the guy who turns out to be the right fare,
are my heroes! i want to be both of them!

i cannot tell you how many times i've watched this thing! and when
i'm havin' a particularly tough time, one of my boys will pop it on for
me! it's symbolic to me....

"ballroom blitz" has taken on it's own meaning......something like
"are you going to add to my life or take away from it??" and add to
that "i have the power to let the good into my life and keep the stuff
that will drag me down out."

no kidding.......that's what this goofy commercial is to me. and it
makes me laugh with delight EVERY time!

it's not uncommon to hear someone in my house say "ballroom blitz?!"

it's a gorgeous day out today. i feel happy and have a million things
i want to do.....along with wanting to be a total lazy bum and hang out
with my sons today. i want to live today....to feel alive and grateful...
and to be joyful!

i want it to be a ballroom blitz day.
i want things/people who will add to it......who will make it better.......
and i'm going to be choosy about how i create my day today.....
and who i let in today......

ballroom blitz?

vulnerability

i've been thinking about vulnerability lately.....
how that feelin' scares me a lot.

i was proud of myself for actually tellin' my partner
i felt that way recently. i thought that showed growth!

my gosh, just SAYING i FEEL it was hard!

tryin' to do more than that seems just about impossible
at times....

but i can remember several times when i fought hard
against the feeling.......knowing that i'd never really feel
love if i didn't get past it....and knowing i made major
breakthrus when i did get past it.

then i read this last nite....

'to let love in requires us to melt - to dissolve our hardened
defenses and let down our guard. receiving love is more
threatening than giving it because receptivity requires
opening which feels vulnerable...."
(john welwood-perfect love, imperfect relationships)

and i got to thinking......
i'm lucky enough to have someone really close that i
really really trust.
wouldn't it be cool if i could say 'bring on the vulnerability!
because i know it's okay here. bring it on. let me toss it
over my shoulder and dive right on in!"

oh my gosh.
wouldn't that be cool?!

why can't i?
it's only a mindset.
i really could do this.
and it'd really be okay.
it would be way beyond okay.

hmm.......i'm thinking it's science experiment time.
with a long weekend ahead of me.......

bring on the vulnerability! i'm gonna give this a try!

being love?

maybe being love is knowing you're okay -
that they can't hurt you...
knowing that the power to hurt you is yours alone.
then maybe being love is using your power
to offer compassion -
all the while knowing they're okay too.

the lucky one

who's the lucky one?

a conversation with yo yo this morning made me take that
question on my walk......

really.
who IS the lucky one?
is it the one who survives or the one who leaves?
is it the one who wins or the one who loses?
is it the one who does the hurting or the one who hurts?
is it the one who gets rich or the one who 'never makes it?'

i'm thinking there is no lucky one.
there just is.

i walked and thought about it......
and noticed the morning.
my kinda morning. soft. gray but with a little blue.
the kinda morning that holds you gently and whispers
to you.

it felt so good. soothing.

and then i thought of what i had....

there's no rubble from an earthquake around me.
there's no lack of water and food.
there's on suicide bomber drivin' down my road.

and i realized......there IS a lucky one.
and it's me.

droppin' to my knees in gratitude this morning...
may it not be lost on me.

good books and brilliant sons

i'm thinkin' i've mentioned my sons are magnificent......
but once again........there was one of them.

josh hands me a book he was reading earlier. one of our
all time favorite authors...stephen levine.
he opens a chapter called 'the sense of unworthiness'
and says 'hey, mom, i read this today, made me think of you...
you might like it.'

i stopped everything to read it right then.

i'm gonna read the whole darn book now.....

but there's this one part.......it hit fabulously.......thought i'd
share.....

'we let go of our sense of unworthiness not by submitting it
to the ax or trying to control or suppress it, but by giving it
enough room to see its own workings.'

i liked that a lot.
the book is called 'a gradual awakening'
and i'm thinking it's my latest read!!

a bone sigh.......

hooks

at first she yanked them out slowly,
laying them in patterns.
feeling their importance.
now they weren't what mattered anymore.
it was getting thru that cloud that counted.
brushing the hooks off her arms,
scraping them off her body, she gave them
little thought.
throwing them aside,
she gathered her self
and headed for the other side of the mist.

a great phrase.....

well, well, well,
i'm thinking i'm getting a lesson smashed in my face.
okay.
i'm gonna take it on.

seems to have to do with self doubt.

seems to me i need to stop with that stuff.
i can't seem to get that lesson all the way to my bones.
and i'm rememberin' that thought i had....if something
doesn't go to my bones, then some part of me isn't
buyin' it.

so some part of me is self doubting. some part of me
doesn't trust me...doesn't believe in me.

hmmmm.....

okay.
piece of cake.
find that part of me that doesn't trust me/believe in
me......and change the viewpoint.

how hard can that be?!

hard.
prolly hard.

so what?
i'm gonna try anyway.

first stop......my dreams.
then some walks.
then visuals.
then maybe releasing.
then grabbing again.
more dreaming........

whatever it takes......
i'll do whatever it takes.
because it's been long enough.

"enough already."

i'm gettin' to like that phrase.

respect

they certainly seeemed to have some magic between them...

he was in a wheelchair dealin' with parkinson's disease, she was
there next to him ready to help him in any way he needed. not
hovering and overprotective....just there and with him. really
with him. that's what caught my eye. they were so present with
each other.

as the three of us conversed, they'd look at each other and nod,
or help each other with a thought, or ask each other what they
thought about something.

i asked them their story. they filled me in. i asked them what
they thought made a relationship work. they filled me in.

but what really stood out was what they were living. isn't that always
the way? words are one thing....example is another.

i can't remember ever being so taken with the respect between two
people. i think if/when i see that, it takes awhile to see,
and it's over time that i see it happening.

i don't remember ever seeing it instantly before my eyes. it was
knock you down beautiful. the repsect and admiration they had for
each other poured thru their eyes, their movements, their words,
and the spaces in between all of that.

i'm still captivated with it this morning.

and i'm grinnin', suprised that their magic seemed to be rooted in
something so practical as respect.

why i'm surprised, i don't know.

the very first feeling that i remember feeling really deeply about
my partner is respect. and that same respect has carried
us over mountains.

so i shouldn't be surprised. but i am.
and i'm thinking i want to sit with the concept for a bit.
as i've grown older, i see that i don't give it as lightly as
i used to.

now what i want to make sure of is that when i do give it,
it's visible, present, and wholehearted.

i'm thinking there's magic in that.

celebratin' life........

headin' to a 'celebrate life' gathering today.....
a friend has made it thru chemo and wants to celebrate.
i'm gonna be there with bells on, and let her know that
i'm celebratin' her being here! what an absolute joy!!

at the same time, in the back of my mind, quietly, all by myself,
i'm gonna be thinking about dyin'.

i'm not gonna bring that up as it's the opposite that we're celebratin.
and i know no one wants to even think the d word today.

i'm learnin' more and more tho that to hold one, ya gotta hold the other.

and this darn death stuff is so hard for me to hold.
i can just never find the right time, the safe time, the comfortable time.
i know this celebration isn't it.
i can't think of death with my friend, because i love her too much,
and she's makin' it thru, and i gotta hold that with all i can.
i can't think of death with me, cause i got too much to do and it's too
darn scary.
death of my partner? don't even go there.
my kids? i'll kick you in the face for even suggesting it.......

hmmmmmmmm..........doesn't sound like i have too good a grasp on
the cycle of life, does it?!

how can you really hold one side and not the other?
that's what i've been doin' forever......
and that's not honest.
and i'm thinking that i want to hold the whole deal.
i want honest.
honest is looking at everything.

so, to honor my friend's living, i'm gonna try to start today.
you can't REALLY honor someone's life by fakin' it, can
ya? if you REALLY want to honor something....i'm thinking
it's gotta be authentic, honest, whole. no ignoring stuff. no faking
stuff.

and i don't know how......
but i'm thinking i know how to start.......
i can put it in my mind, i can begin to open to it, and i can
start walkin' thru shadows i never wanted to walk thru before.

i can touch the fear and tell it i want to learn...

i'll be bringing her flowers and a few silly, joyful presents to
celebrate today, but what i'll mostly be bringing, she'll never
even know about......

it's not about me bringing her anything, tho, is it?
it's about her presence making me want to be more.
her presence helping me grow towards wholeness.........

and i can't think of a better way to celebrate someone's life!

birthdays!

it's my birthday today!
and yeah, i really really really like my birthday!
i get to be a little kid and no one tells me i can't!
i get shiny presents, goofy cards, and people tellin'
me they love me.

i get to laugh and clap and play and everyone goes
along with it.

i like all that.

this year there was some not so fun stuff that i got
too......

i didn't like that.
at least i didn't think i did.
and maybe 'like' is the wrong word.....

some of life's ikcy parts crept in.....and while i'm not really
fond of all that the icky brings up....
i'm thinking it is an okay thing.

and that's kinda cool......as i never woulda thought i'd
say that a few days ago.

but today i see it real clearly......and i'm thinking this is the
best gift of all.

cause i see it........the ick can't overshadow the good unless
i let it.
and when you compare the powers of the ick and the good...
how could i possibly let it??
(altho...i gotta say.....i have, unfortunately, let it.......but not today!!)

today i understand that it's part of the dance.
and the ick is okay........because it shows me just how good
the good is.

and i honestly don't think i could have gotten to this good without
the ick.

so today......on my birthday.......i'm seein that to embrace it all
is the best gift i can give myself.......
and then i can just set those little icky things down over there...
and go dance with the good!

now....which shall i wear.....my red dancing shoes or the silver
ones?
ah! one of each!!!!!!

off to go slip them on!!!!!

stuff

a really cool lady just reminded me that holdin' the ability to see
beauty keeps you from growin' old....

as i was writing her a note to thank her for that......
i started congratulating her about something really cool
she started out of some really big sadness she had.

and i got to thinking.......
offering to the world when you're hurting...........being
able to offer compassion and kindness with your unique
gifts mixed in while you are struggling and hurting......
well, shoot.....that's the stuff that keeps your heart open.

and im thinking that's the stuff that changes the world.....

my three oak trees

my sons are brilliant.
talkin' to yo and zakk last nite......
tellin' them about my putting stuff aside and leapin'
into love.......

yo yo looked at me nodding and said 'you're rewriting
your map.'

where'd this kid come from?

and then he and zakk proceeded to help me with a visual
to use to do just that. even zakk got on board with this
and nodded kindly as i teared up talkin' about it.

for me, visuals are one of the most powerful tools......
and i formed one with just me in it workin' away on this
new map of mine......this path i'm clearin'......

uh...excuse me.......it can't be just me in there, can it?

while i honestly believe i'm all alone on this job, and it's
up to me........
i know that the people in my life are like the trees along
the way.......some provide shade, some get the air just right,
some drop ticks on me, some trip me in their roots.....
but they're all there along the way.

and then there's the oaks........strong and steady........
that'd be my boys. giving me a place to rest all along the way.

i'm off for a walk....a real one outside....
but i'm hopin' i'll be walkin' my visual one all day......

i've got maps to make.......and some trees to hug.....

enough already

to love a person so deeply....
to trust a person enough....
that's what i've been workin' on over the years
with him.....

my gosh, why is that the hardest thing in the world
for me to do???

because.....oh....i know why........
i know why all too well.........

too bad.
just too darn bad.

i'm doin' something big tonite.

i'm puttin' down all the garbage.
well......not ALL the garbage. let's not go overboard.
but all the garbage i've been strugglin' with LATELY.
and i'm changing focus.
to him.
not to what i want from him.
not to what i'm not getting from him.
not to what a moron he can be......

but to him.
the real him.
the real him that has ALWAYS been there for me.
the him that teaches me like no other.....
and makes me reach beyond like no other....

i'm gonna reach beyond all the surface this time.
i'm gonna reach down into love.
past the fear.
and the fear is sooo there.

one thing i've always prided myself on...
i'm foolhardy......will do things that if i thought thru,
i would never do!!

well...i'm thinking now's the time for foolhardy.....
because only the foolhardy can touch love like i want
to touch love.

only the foolhardy can live like i want to live.....

this fear stuff sucks.
enough already.

one......two.......three........
LEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPP!!!!!!

a gorgeous quote

there's someone in my life who holds one heck of a
special spot.....she's my buddy who's seen me thru
it all!
she sent me a quote this morning that knocked my
darn socks off!

the author is wendell berry (she thinks)

"*It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come to our real work,
and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.
The mind that is not baffled is not employed.
The impeded stream is the one that sings.”

woe.

the dance of my moods....

feelin' good tonite.
feel happier than i have in a long time.
think this gorgeous weather has helped...
and a few pepsi's! and workin' side by side
with my son...

at the same time, i'm holdin' two people close
in my heart tonite. both struggling big time......
and i want to help......and i can't.

i sit and watch the two different moods inside myself.

i'm wonderin' how many different moods we can hold at once?
is there a maximum number???
do we notice? or just feel the dominant one?
or the dominant two?

can we mix them together to work together???

what happens when happy dances with sad? do they
meld together and make something else?

can happy tap agitated on the shoulder and flip it over
on top of sad? will anger stand up or will contentment
roll over and laugh?

ewwwwwwwwwww........i'm thinking that would be soooo
cool!

i'm thinking i got some thoughts to think........

MAY!

it was hers.
and no one else's.
and somtimes she forgot and gave
pieces of it away.
until she didn't have enough pieces to remember
what it was...and who's it was...
and then sadness set in.
deep, deep sadness.
and slowly, very slowly, she'd remember...
just in time, she'd remember....
and she'd take it back again.
and make it hers again.
and vow not to give it away again.
maybe this time she'd hang on to it.
she'd at least try...
because she knew she couldn't live without it...

growin' old...

i think i figured out what old is.

maybe old is when you stop learning...and you tell yourself
that's a good thing. when the comfortable ways are always the
better ways, and you have no desire to get out of your comfort
zone. and you think that's an admirable way to be. you actually
brag about that.

and maybe old is when people allow you to be that way and don't
challenge you.
woe.

maybe that's the worst part.
what is that sayin' when people don't challenge you?
woe.

well, i've been thinking about that on and off for a little bit now....
hadn't applied that to myself as mygosh, i'm so busy tryin' to hang
on learnin' stuff that it never occurred to me that i was doin' that.

hmmmmm....or am i?

granted i went out and finally learned how to parallel park yesterday.
and i am learning what all the different cars are and a few computer
terms........there's always plumbing and house fix it stuff i'm tryin'
to learn. i was sure it didn't apply.

while i find plumbing and car stuff and computer stuff terribly
challenging to my brain.......what is it that i really need to learn???

i need to relearn so many of my reactions to things!!!!!
and THAT'S where i get lazy, and like my comfort zone!!
relearning the internal stuff is where i get lost.....

i turn 47 on friday. i can't believe i've got that many numbers behind me!
and i'm startin to think about being old.....
and i just don't want to be old and tellin' people i have no interest in
learning anything new. i want to learn to sculpt, and to do pottery
and play a guitar, and sing, and so many things......

but i'm thinking what i really need to do is relearn my reactions
to life.

i'm thinking that's where my greatest challenges lie.......
and i'm thinking if i wait til i'm 80, i'm sunk.
time to start is today.......so when i'm 80, life won't be about being
safe.....it will be about being free.
life won't be about enduring...it will be about truly living.

i'm likin' this...
something to think about during birthday week here.....

green magic

it was pouring out.
perfect.
i walked fast.
lost in thought.
trying to figure more stuff out in my mind.

walking by the really flooded part of the neighborhood,
i looked up. there were streams everywhere. this incredible
lush green surrounded me, and it seemed like another world.
totally soaked, i kept walking and looking.

it was quieter than normal. i felt like i had the entire place
to myself. my own magical world.

all i really have is me, i thought.......
i don't 'have' anyone else.
it's me who needs to see this world of mine.
it's me who needs to enjoy it.
it's me who needs to live it.

no one else was in it.....yet everyone else was close by....
warm and dry in their own worlds....
and instead of that seeming lonely or sad....
or even just okay....
it felt so good to be walking in the green magic all by
myself knowing it was right there for me to see...
feel...touch... and get soaked in........

mother's day

ahhh...mother's day can be a tricky little day for a gazillion reasons,
can't it?

but then along comes one of your kids who says something to remind
you of what it's all about.....

i didn't know when i decided to have kids........
had no idea. no one can. it's something you can't know until you live.

i remember all that work of the first years.......gosh......
i really do remember a lot of that.......
and all the worry and trying along the way......

i knew it mattered. i knew it was important, and i had a responsibility
beyond my comprehension....i knew that.
but did i really???

now as i see my little boys have turned into incredible young men
who touch the world in all that they do........
i thank god i really really didn't understand how important
parenting was.

i woulda been too scared to take the job.
and i woulda missed out on the beauty of a lifetime.........

allowing things to be there......

i have the best sons in the world.
i climbed into the car with two of them last nite.
on our way to pick up the third....
and as we drove down our street, i turned to them
and said "can i just cry? i just really need to. would
that be okay?"

and ya know.......they were really okay with that.

yo was drivin' and he reached over and held my
hand. josh was sitting behind me and his hands
immediately went on my shoulders.

these guys are gonna make awesome partners for
some lucky women.

i cried. told them my sadness. they let me. and then
we moved on.

it was so cool.

i could really move on because they allowed me the
space to just feel. they loved me thru it, and then it
was time for fun. we goofed off the rest of the nite.....

the sadness isn't gone......but it's allowed to be there.

and that in itself feels kinda cool.

'allowing things to be there' is going to be my focus
today.......
should be interesting........

mattering...goals....and choices........

why is it i forever want to make everything right for everyone?!
why?!

i caught myself in that spot yesterday in such an outlandish way that
it even made ME stop and shake my head!
then i found myself doin' it again.......
getting ready to give something very important to myself away....
it doesn't matter, i told myself. i can handle it. and they'll feel better.

woa. hold up.
yeah......it does matter.
and what does 'handling it' mean??
getting thru????
is that what you want your life to be???
getting thru???
i thought you had enough of that???

better look at this, ter.......cause if you're ever gonna really
live a life of honest, real, and believing you matter........
you're choosin' the wrong turn here.

so what is it???

i'm thinking maybe it's a lack of trust....trust in several things......

lack of trust in the other person to take care of themselves.....
yeah, that's there.
lack of trust that it will end in a 'nice' way.........
oh yeah, definitely there.
lack of trust in me........BINGO.

am i really valuable enough to do what needs to be done to take care of me?
am i really valuable enough to say this isn't good for me,
i'll just go over here where it's healthier......??
am i really valuable enough to do the things that make me happy???

hmmmmmm...........

but 'they' matter too........shouldn't i take care of 'them' too??
...the one's i'm tryin' to make it right for..........

maybe the best way of taking care of another person is
living my truth, my real, my life the healthiest way i can........
and allowing them the same, and leaving that up to them.
maybe that's respect for everyone.

all well and good until i have to interact with them.
then what do i say???
what do i say when they say this?????
or what do i say when they say that???

ahhhhhh.........so is there fear that i can't be honest?
fear that i'll hurt them with my honesty?
fear that they'll say something to hurt me??

yep.

well, i can be honest.
it probably will hurt them.
and, yeah, they probably will hurt me.....

so??

what's the goal???

to avoid hurt or to live real?
to avoid hurt or to show all those little terri's inside
of you that they matter.......and you're going to stop setting
them aside...........

deal.
i know what i gotta do.........
as compassionately as i can..........as honestly as i can.........
with knowing that i matter....all the parts of me matter.............

i'm gonna go take a walk in the rain........and tell my little terri's
that i choose them this time!!!!!

maybe?

how do you stay open from a gut punch she asked?

i don't know......i answered.
i just don't know.

maybe you realize the punch wasn't about you.
sure, it LOOKED like it was about you.
it SOUNDED like it was about you.
it HURT like it was about you....

but maybe what we gotta know is ............it isn't about you.
it really isn't.

gut punches come from insecurities, weaknesses, fears.....that
kinda thing........

stayin' open is KNOWING that.

staying open is believing in yourself.
knowing who you are.
KNOWING your worth....
and turning to those who also know it and opening to them.

and to the one who threw the punch?
seeing their insecurities, weaknesses, fears.........ALLOWING them
to be.....and moving away from them.........for now anyway.

it's the allowing them to be that's being open to them.
it's the moving away that's being open to you.
it's the healthy stuff that allows you to open your heart......

maybe?
but then again....i just don't know..........

finding the same

there they were.
at my door.
the religious people again......
funny thing is....they've been comin' so long,
i've become friends with some of them.
really funny when you realize i don't share their beliefs at all...
and yet they keep coming, and i keep liking them.

this time tho, i ran to meet them.

i had heard that one of them had lost her husband.
i had met him several times. and liked him very much.
i was so sad when i heard, and wanted to hug her the minute
i found out.

there she was. at my door. i ran to the door and hugged her tight.
as she told me the story, i teared up. as i told her i cared, i teared
up....as i offered her a place to come when she needed to cry, i
teared up. it was totally from the heart...

how weird is life?
we are so opposite and different.......and yet we are so the same.
when do we stop seein' the different and start hugging the same?

i did so today in my living room.
and it felt right.

now if i can just keep doin' that....
sometimes i can't find the same.........
but maybe if i keep looking?
maybe if i just keep looking..........

perfect timing

i'm putting quotes together for a book on love.......
first editing was this morning......
and the timing couldn't have been better.

there i sat reading poem after poem about love i had
experienced in some way. and i feel like the luckiest
person alive.

and the gut punch of yesterday loses it's power....

love is all around.....if we choose it.

i choose it.

gut punches

living what you want in a good moment is a delicious piece of cake.
living what you want after a gut punch is empowerment.

i can keep up with the best cryers.
i can wobble as good as a weeble.
and i can muddle like no one's business.......

and today..........i know i can open my heart after a gut punch.

don't mind my crying, wobbling and muddling.......
just celebrate my opening my heart.
cause i just did......
to me.......
to those close to me.....
and to those i need to let go.......

and that makes me want to dance.
granted, i'm still holdin' my gut......but i'm dancin' just
the same!

offering

maybe offering something to the world is living
what you would want to offer.

maybe it's not any more than living it.

and maybe that's the hardest thing of all.......

two feet in

it'd been a week that felt like a year.
it'd been a day where a lotta emotions were tryin' to come out.
it certainly hadn't been a glorious, romantic, fun time.
and there we were....walkin' towards yet another challenge to
be met. the emotions were thick...and heavy.
all logic said this shoulda been one of our more awful moments.
and in one way, it certainly was.
but as i watched my foot land on the driveway, right behind his,
i felt as close as any intimate moment.
and i noticed it.
i saw the color of the driveway, the cracks running thru that
color, my toes in my sandal, and the sound of his feet.
life could sure suck. but we were in it together...both feet in.
the feeling ran thru me.

going back thru it all this morning, that's what i remember most.
and that's what i'll carry with me today.

"oh my god"

i rarely ever say 'oh my god.'
it's my catholic upbringing....
when it comes out of my mouth...
i really mean it...i'm talkin' to something beyond me.

it just came out.
just now. a minute ago.
i haven't even finished thinking this thru.
came to type it out.

sitting here writing bone sighs about realeasing
control. allowing life to happen. giving up the struggle.

and i just thought of some bible quote...
isn't there something jesus says about if you lose your
life you gain it???
oh something like that......you know what i'm talkin'
about.

and i get it!
i just got what that thought means!
or could mean!

you can't hang on to this stuff. you can't control life.
you can't make your life right, their life right, anyone's
life right. you gotta let it go.
but you gotta do more than let it go....
you gotta give it away.
you gotta give it away to trust.

you gotta just know it's all okay and give it away.

and when you do that.......
THAT'S when you really feel alive.

when you struggle you're tense and stressed.
when you stop strugglin' you're fatigued and worn out.
the life energy isn't rollin' thru.

but when you sit in trust....and know it's okay...
that's when you can finally feel alive.

when you give it away.......
it's when you get it.

yet another yin yangy thing.
i'm thinking this is big.

believing

i walked.
and i thought hard.
i'm going to see him tonite.
the kid who sure seems to be throwin' his life away.
what do i say to him?
i walk. and the anger fills me.
i want to blast him up against a wall and tell him how
hurt and angry i am with him.

i walk and i think about that anger.
it's deep. way deep.
why so much?
what's it about?

oh my gosh.

i almost stop and stand still in the middle of the street.
woe.
yep.
there certainly is a button there.
yep.

i want to be enough of a reason for people to do what's
"right." i want my heart and my feelings and me to matter
enough to someone to do the right thing.

oh boy.
there's a whole lotta baggage comin' up with that one.
okay.
can see that clearly....i can let that go.
i know better than all of that stuff. i can let that go.
whew....feels real good to recognize it, know the source,
and know it's not applicable here. leave that be, ter.
life doesn't work that way.

so...okay....
what's the 'right' thing for me to do here?

the recent suicide i've been grieving pops into my head.
if i had a chance to say one last thing before she killed
herself...what would it have been??

maybe that's what i want to tell my young buddy. if it
could be the last thing i ever said to him, what would it
be?

i believe in you.
you matter to me.
whatever you do, wherever you go, i will always believe
you. i know what's inside of you. i've seen it. i know it's
mixed with darkness. i am not ignoring that part of you.
it is the whole thing i see.....and i believe in you.

i came home, typed it out in a letter for him.
i am going to go sit on his bedroom floor and say it with
words...and a few tears, i bet...and then hand him the
letter to read. and leave.

and then i'm gonna hang on to that belief no matter what.
because i think that's all i can do for him.
and i think that's going to be a big enough challenge for me.