one heck of a process

processing....processing...processing.....

who knew there'd be all this processing??

well, okay, i knew there'd be SOME processing....
but i didn't know i'd be processing some of the stuff that's coming up.
the divorce gunk, the ugly stuff, the really painful stuff, that's all poppin'
right on up. some of that stuff was pretty darn traumatic to me.
and that seems to be surfacing.

i thought about that.
it makes sense.

that stuff was the start of my being a single parent.
that stuff was the start of my making it on my own.
it's all entangled.
and it's all part of what's ending now.
it goes hand in hand with all the good.

(that in itself is an interesting thought - 'it goes hand in hand with all the good.')

so if i'm closing a door on part of my life,
there's some processing to do before that door can close.

how incredibly awesome is that?!

it's awesome for a couple of reasons -

one.....i wouldn't have known in my head to do this.
i woulda just said 'okay, this door's closed.'
and gone ahead with moving forward.

i think doing that just makes the move forward that much muddier.
i think it would create hurdles and bumps that don't need to be there.
i think doing the processing now means i can really close the door cleanly.
that while sure stuff can still pop in and tug on me, it won't be causing
all the turmoil it would if i didn't process.

and something deep inside of me understands that.

that right there is totally awesome.

then the other awesome part?
the processing....the feelings, emotions, reactions.......
in some sense they all kinda honor the journey.
they all say 'yeah, this really happened and it was so darn hard, and so
heartbreakingly sad, and so full of grief, and you carried a lot. stop and
look and see and know you're heading beyond it now.'

wow.

when i look at it that way, i just feel so trusting of what's going on inside me.
and i know that it's really not about a door closing -
even tho right now it feels like it's about closing it cleanly.
but what it's really about is opening a new one with trust and knowing that
it's right and good.

yeah, a door's closing.......and i'll close it as clean as i can.......
but the big news is another's opening.....and there's an older
wiser ter stepping thru it......how cool is that?!

but wait!
there's bigger news still!!!
the REALLY BIG news???
it's some of these lines in this ramble - it's what's underneath the whole thing -

the painful goes hand in hand with the good,
something deep inside me understands the process and guides me thru.
i can trust what's going on inside me.

this whole darn process is stunning.

i think that's the big news - the whole darn process is stunning.
and we can trust it.

feelin' the gratitude....

i was filling an order and thinking.
and remembering.

the guys are goin' out on their own.

i did it.

ohmygosh, i did it.

i raised them.

and as i packed, i was almost trembling as i realized this.

we did it.
we became one heck of a team, and we did it.

when we first started out, i used to only get a few hours of sleep a nite.
i remember how sometimes it felt like i had sand under my eyelids cause
they just hurt so much from lack of sleep.
there was so much on my shoulders....
trying to get bone sigh arts started,
trying to homeschool my sons,
and trying to keep their life together as best i could.
i don't even think i knew how much there was.
i was so busy tryin' to make it work.
every single nite we gathered and we talked about what they went thru that day.
in the beginning there were so many emotions to sift thru.
and every nite we gathered and we sifted.
those were some of the hardest moments ever.
trying to be there, witness what they were going thru, guide them the best i could,
and let my heart break open over and over again watching their pain.

i'm thinking i'll be writing about this a lot.
it'll come pouring out in different times.

right now what's got me is that i did it.
that we did it.
it was totally a team effort.

but yeah, i was the leader.

and i knew what i had on me.
and i was determined to make it work.

and it worked.

oh my gosh, it worked.

i think i'm allowing that to sink in right now.
and the gratitude inside me is so immense and deep.

when you set out to do the hardest thing you've ever done in your life,
and then you lean back and you know you did it.....

what a feeling.

and when it's official, and there's no more back and forth,
and it's just quiet and me.....i am going to sit with myself and celebrate.
because that's one heck of a thing to be grateful for.

we are stronger than we know.
and we can make it thru the hard times.
and the hard times change and turn to beautiful times.
and we change too...and maybe it brings out some beauty in us as well.

thirteen again???

i musta cried fifteen times before 3:00.

i cried when i was frustrated.
i cried when i was happy.
i cried when i was moved with something sappy.
and every time i watched it after that!
i cried when i was sad.
i cried when i was scared.
i cried when i was laughing.

and then i realized - i'm thirteen again.

yep.

when i was thirteen if you looked at me funny, i burst into tears.
i burst into tears when you didn't look at me funny.
i just tended to burst into tears.

i will always remember a moment at dinner when i was 13 and my
dad said something. who knows what cause it sure didn't take much,
it could just be a tone, a look or a word. and i burst into tears. and
his face......his face........i'm laughing just remember it........was soooooooo
frustrated. because he never knew when the tears were coming.

oh lord.

guess what?

i'm thirteen again.

it's the whole transitioning to the 'empty nest' thing that's goin on in my life.

i haven't directly talked about it yet as i was trying to separate my stuff from
my sons' sutff and keep their stuff out of the blog. but this is my stuff.
definitely my stuff - the first time ever in my whole life i have terri time all to myself -
or as some call it 'the empty nest.'
it's official within a month.

a whole lotta me is excited.
but then there's a good ol' hunk of me that's sad.
and then there's everything in between.

and while i thought i had it mostly under control,
i realized after about the 12th time of crying in a matter of hours,
that maybe i didn't.

and part of me is really really tickled about this.
honestly.
i'm tickled i'm leaking tears at every turn.

cause i woulda so easily fooled myself and told myself i had it down,
i was good, was okay.

i like this better.
cause it's real obvious to me that there's stuff inside me that needs to come out.
there will be writing and crying and feeling....along with dancing and laughing and
gasping with joy.

there's this mix that i don't recognize.
the pure joy and excitement, the terror, the sadness......
and every emotion seems magnified.
i honestly don't remember ever having this mix inside of me before.

but wait.......maybe i have......maybe that's what it felt like to be thirteen.
i'm not really sure.
i just remember the tears.

and it makes me grin.
cause i'm thinking i'm returning to thirteen....with the eyes of a 52 year old.
can you imagine?!
that's one heck of a combination!

seeing

you know how it goes.
a conversation starts, you walk into it not knowing what you're about
to enter, and before you can blink, you've hit territory that hits other
territory that hits things inside of you that are raw.

and by the time you're done, your insides are churned right on up.

oh yeah.
while it doesn't happen often - thank goodness- when it happens,
things get mixed up and emotions run wild.

i saw all this goin' on with me and decided it was the perfect time to go mow the lawn.
i'll go mow, and think.
sort thru it.
get it out of me.

and i actually bought that plan.

here's the first point i wanted to make -
i (and i'm thinking i'm not the only one) can certainly fool myself with the best of 'em.
for pete's sake.
i didn't go out to mow and think.
i went out to mow and run away from it.

but um.....it wasn't til hours and hours later that i figured this out.

and when i did, i just shook my head.

of course.

and i had been runnin' all day.
i can tell when my eating habits start to slide down hill.
running.

so the first point is the fooling ourselves. the telling ourselves we're doin' one thing,
when truly, we certainly are not. i think we can do that a fair amount.

which brings me to my second point -

seeing clearly. (both others AND ourselves)

i think one of the most heartbreaking things in life is the non-seeing of each other
that happens so often.

the making others what we want them to be, and choosing not to see who they really are.
and the desperation in people who know they're not seen, and the reactions they have
to that.

the reactions can be so intense.
all the way to suicide.

when i got to thinking about all this, i wanted to just shout out to the world -
'let's work on seeing each other! it matters!'

but then i got to thinking more.
ya know what?
a whole lotta people come from families that will never see them.
they have parents that won't ever know them or appreciate them for who they are.

they just won't.
and i can shout my heart out right in front of the faces of those families, and it won't make
one shred of difference.

sometimes you just don't get what you're looking for from other people.

sometimes you just don't.

but then you gotta sit yourself down and hold that for a bit. and then know that
the place you gotta find it is in yourself.

that's not some trite hallmark commercial or something like that.

it's really the deal.
and i got to thinking about that shouting i wanted to do.

THAT'S what i want to shout -

it's up to US o see who WE are.
it's up to US to value who WE are.
it's up to US.

that's where we gotta start.

and if we're very very lucky, we'll find our tribe who will stand right beside us
and see and value us as deeply as we do.

but i'm not sure we can get that until we do the seeing first - or at least get
the process rolling.

so...the shouting about seeing each other and it matters?
let's just tweak that.....to shouting about seeing ourselves and that mattering so darn much.

we can spend our lives desperately hoping certain other people will see us,
and reacting when they don't.

or we can start seeing ourselves for who we really are.
we can give ourselves what we're longing for.
and somehow in doing that, i think we find other things/people that we
didn't even know were there.

when i finally stopped running and sat myself down to look at the whirlwind
inside of me, that's what i found.

and when i figured that out, i went off to take care of a few things that needed
taking care of.

cause when we hold our power, it changes things.

a way cool thing...

i can feel pretty safe in energetically nodding my head and saying that
my guy and i have earned the good stuff that is happening between us lately.

we have been down some amazingly rough roads together.
and they've taken quite a lot of energy, quite a lot of learning about each other
and much growing on both our parts.

and while i know we're not done by a long shot with rough roads,
i do think that we're hittin' a nice stretch between us, we both know it,
and we're both really ready for that stretch.

and what's interesting to me, is that with both of us seein' the stretch
right here in front of us, it's lightened some kinda load that needed lightening.
something's lifted, and there's something new between us.

maybe not new.
maybe just a little bit different.

whatever it is, i see a closeness growing deeper.

this weekend i found myself telling him something i had never told
anyone else in my life.

it was hard.
it was incredibly vulnerable.
and it took all the strength i had to do so.

that vulnerability stuff can challenge me to the max,
and take every muscle i have to get thru it.

and yet...it was the most moving moment of the weekend for me.

it's not at all about what i said.

it's about the fact that i said it.
and it's about the fact that he held it.
and that in that moment, we touched such real love.

i've been with this guy of mine a long long time now.
we've been engaged for two years.
and yet i feel like we're just beginning to really explore this love stuff together.
we're just now beginning.

how is that possible?!
it's like it took all those years to get ourselves ready for the trip.

it really feels like that.

altho, all thru the years it's felt like love.
but we both somehow know we're just starting now.
or it's just starting to get to where we can really explore.
this love stuff isn't a place you land and stay in.
i'm pretty sure about that.

it's a place you travel together and explore together,
and you never get to sit still in any one spot for too long.
which works out okay, as there's so much to discover.

i honestly had no idea that's how it worked.
but i'm thinking this is a way cool thing......

laughter, visuals and being human

it was a funny visual.
i got up laughin' from it.

i am in love with the most amazing man.
and while, yes, he does have some real neanderthal moments
that can mess with things between us,
not all my problems with things between us are his fault.

sometimes it's just me and my stuff reacting to him.

while it'd be nice if that wasn't the case......i know it is......
and i knew that was going on.

and i knew that sooner or later i'd have to look at my stuff and see what was up.

so i did.

and i saw.

and i sighed.

and i wondered what to do about it.

and somewhere along the line i did one of those in-my-head-conversations with him.
you know the ones......the ones where we're the only ones who get to talk, and we
get to make the other people in the conversation say whatever we want?
one of those.

but what happened was in this fantasy conversation where i get to say
anything to him and tell him just exactly what i think and get out some frustration -

i ended up throwing up my arms and spreading my hands wide and yelling 'I HAVE ISSUES!'

and i laughed right out loud from my own visualization.

it felt so good to just throw up my arms and claim it.

I HAVE ISSUES!
AND THEY GET IN THE WAY SOMETIMES!

and my gosh, they feed the fears sometimes!

and this one is mine!

i have issues!

and they run my reactions at times, and they mess with my head sometimes.

and i'm so grateful that he knows, understands, waits, and loves me anyway.

i gotta tell ya, the whole throwing up my hands thing just turned something
inside me. i think maybe the mix of owning my stuff, laughing about it, acknowledging
the frustration, and realizing that it can't always be easy for those around me -
well it made those around me, and especially that guy of mine, extra precious.

well, that, and crying and telling him about it too.
that turned something inside me as well.

we all have issues.
it's not always the other guy.
and how wonderful if we can see that, hold that, and understand that we're loved anyway.

how totally totally awesome is that?!
i think somewhere in there is one of those slices of the real beauty of being human.

and the visual?
i think it's one i'm gonna hold on to as well.
it makes me laugh every time i think of it!

connections and phone lines

there's been 'stuff' happening around here.
again, not my stuff, so i'll just keep it general.

but here's the part i want to talk about -

the phone.

yeah.
the phone.

the phone rang.
i answered.
it was josh.
i walked it over to hand it to noah.
and then i walked away with a smile on my face
and a huge appreciation of the invention of the telephone.

the back and forths between my family with the phone were
just what all back and forths are when something's goin' on with
a group of people that love each other and are there for each other.
there were a LOT of phone calls.

and the phone seemed like such a symbol to me.
a symbol of connection.

i swear, i could just about write a telephone commercial at this point,
i am so taken with the symbol.

i was mopping the floor when zakk walked in and started talking to me.
i stopped mopping, sat on the coffee table while he sat on the top of the
couch, wet floor all around us, and we got into a great conversation about
what was going on. noah was - you guessed it - on the phone.

there was talking of perspectives, of needs, of choices, of how to handle things -
it was by far the best conversation i ever had while mopping.

and let's face it, if we wanted to go for symbols, the mop would make a great
one as well!

this is a busy group over here. every single one of us has a really full life.
my guy was tryin' hard to get some work done he'd taken special time to do,
the rest of us are all jugglin' our own businesses, all of us feeling overloaded
right now....and yet the phones kept ringing, the conversations kept happening.

i watched - not just the one day....but for awhile now while this stuff has been happening.

sometimes needs would get mixed in it all and the focus would get too intense,
creating some sorta weird imbalance.
and then it'd all balance out again.
things would swing this way and that.
moods and self awareness fluctuated up and down and all around.

but you know what never changed?
the caring, the being there for each other, the drop anything at any time for the
other person - that was steady thru out.

and each time the phone rang, that's what i thought about.
the connections. the love. the being there.

we've created this together.
all of us.
it hasn't been something that 'just happened' -
every one of us has put in the effort to bring it into life.
every single one of us.
and maybe that's why every single one of us values it so much.
and what's cool is every single one of us really does value it.

i've worked really hard at it.
and i value it with everything i have.

and today, i'm bowing down to the love that surrounds me.
to the connections of my family.
and yes, to the invention of the telephone.

questions

i pulled out a couple of questions from several conversations i've had lately -

what is it that's making you sad?
what is it that you feel is missing from your life?

and

do you feel like you've healed from those past hurts?
(you know the ones)

aren't those awesome questions?

and of course, we can add the flip side ones to the sad/missing stuff -
as in what is it that's making you happy?
what is it you feel is an integral part of your life?
throw those in there for some balance.

all of those have come up recently.
and as i go thru my days, i pull them outta my pocket and look at them.

the 'do you feel like you've healed' one was kinda cool to look at as i was on the treadmill.
as i walked i wondered -
how would you answer that, terri?

it led down the path to many different thoughts.

i wanted to place them in your hands.
for your pockets.
for you to take out and look at.

perhaps pondering our responses will help us look at what it is we're doing
with our days....

p.s.

i was just up exercising thinking about the blog i just wrote (see below)
and thinking about the blog i wrote the day before about deception -

and i thought of how they went hand in hand.

when we look at our body issues - let's look as honestly as we can.

when we look at the health of our insides - heart, mind and spirit - let's look
as honestly as we can.

when we look at the health of our outsides - let's look as honestly as we can.

it's the dishonesty we use when we face these issues that stunt us.

it's the dishonesty we use that keep us from honestly accepting ourselves.

and in acceptance there's compassion and growth.

i really think the deception deal runs rampant thru this stuff.
and it's one more way we give our life away.

and i really think it doesn't have to.
it starts with each of us talking honestly to ourselves........

body issues/weight/health

ohmygosh - weight/body issues - it's a loaded topic!

i don't talk about it much because it is so loaded.

i've had body issues my whole life. still have them big time.
they're deep, they're strong, and they totally affect my life.

thing is....body issues and weight while definitely go hand in hand,
they can also be very separate things. one unhealthy, one healthy.

cause while i have body issues that tell me i don't look like i should
and i'm not as good as i should be - which is unhealthy stuff, steeped in
issues i've created for myself, i also have health/nutrition concerns
that are nothing more than wanting to be healthy - that part's good.
keeps me thinking about my health in a positive way.

and i know, no matter what way you cut it, being overweight isn't healthy.

so there's different things mixed into a big ol' ball and the topic's so loaded,
it's way hard to have a real conversation about it.

women, encouraged to accept who they are and how they look - which i
am completely behind - get stuck in proclaiming their unhealthy body fabulous in all ways -
which i can't honestly agree to.

i work hard on having a healthy inside. healthy mind, heart, spirit....having a healthy
body matters just as much.

 if i'm unhealthy in areas inside, i'm not bad, there's reasons for them,
and i want to work on them. why can't it be just the same way on the outside?

i'm not sure why we really don't step back and talk about there being several
things going on there. and that healthy and happy is really what we want to aim for.
and aiming doesn't have to be a bad thing - aiming can be healthy in itself.

but because of all the unhealthy diets and body images and issues stacked upon issues,
there's this whole tangly topic that i stay away from.

a friend who's been down a rough road with eating disorders and weight issues,
posted a blog on my facebook page yesterday. it's powerful and important, so i wanted
to post it here.

i wanted to intro it with the thought of how twisted this whole topic has become,
and how truly being healthy - in all ways - is something that's worth thinking about.
and untangling the topic seems to be a place to start.

here's the blog my friend posted...

the deception line

deception has been on my mind lately.

in the past month, i have witnessed a whole whole lot of it.

now, to be clear, i think every single one of us is deceptive.

i think it's part of being human, part of our defenses, part of our survival skills,

and yes, part of our dysfunctions.

thing is.....i totally think there's scales......and some people push that needle 

right on up to that FULL of deception line.

and it's some of these FULL people i've been witnessing.

each of these full up people i've watched has their own special flavor of deception.

but here's what's got me intrigued....as i watch, it occurs to me that they are

EQUALLY as deceptive with themselves as with others. so their levels of 

self-deception top the scales right along with their levels of deceiving others.

hmmmm.

i've been thinking about that.

it's kinda interesting.
cause, see, i get tangled in being deceived by them.
i get caught up in how they deceive others...
there's been some thought to how they deceive themselves.
but not much, really. cause the other takes my attention and energy.

so when i started thinking about the amount of self deception goin on,
and comparing the different people who seemed extreme, it caught my eye.

for awhile now i've understood that it's real important to be as honest as you

can with yourself. the reason for that is self growth. i've just figured that you
can't really grow and live fully without it.

and i've figured out that's harder than we think. because of all the little games
and protections we do with ourselves, sometimes it's just about impossible to
realize you're not being honest with yourself because you have somehow convinced
yourself otherwise to protect yourself some way.

it gets crazy.

so i know it's hard.

at times.

and then other times, it's not so hard.

but it's easy to choose not to go for the honesty.
so we do make that choice.

and we can swim in a sea of choices like that.

and the more we do it, the easier it gets.

so, again, there's scales with it all.

but here's a thought/theory i'm mulling around -

i equate authenticity/honesty/integrity with growing and becoming who we
are, becoming all of who we can be.

i understand that's my feelings. not something that needs to be figured as 

everyone else's......but i'm going with that here.

so -

how honest we are with ourselves directly relates to how honest we are

with other people.

and how honest we are with other people directly relates to how honest

we are with ourselves.

which directly relates to our quality of life.

that's it.

that's the big theory.

doesn't sound like much.

and yet, it's totally got my attention.

i swear i'm watching a whole ton of reality twisting,

and it's got me looking at myself. i don't want it.

cause from what i see, it's not really living.

it's one more way we give our life away.

it's one more way we give our life away.

funny, huh?

if someone told us we had cancer, we'd battle so hard not to lose

our life. and yet, we can give it away in a million different little ways

and never even think about it.

thoughts on tee shirts...thoughts on being aware...

i'm back into researching tee shirts as that's something i'd really like to offer.
the whole 'reminding girls' stuff i talked about in the newsletter the other day
has got me inspired. and i think i found a place i really want to work with!

i'm quite excited about this and will be working away on this new project.

here's the deal tho.....this stuff gets trickier than you'd think.

we offered hoodies and long sleeved tees some years back.
it was important to me that they were american made/sweatshop free.
that was mandatory.

we got that.
and i was quite pleased.

but little did i know that the company we used, american apparel,
was a company we'd want nothing to do with. i honestly had no idea
until we were long sold out of them. it was only my own practical
business reasons that kept me from re-ordering.

and now i'm so glad we never did.

turns out there's a whole lot to look at.

not only is american apparel anti-union -
it's ads are completely against everything bone sigh arts is about.
and certainly against everything this 'helping girls' campaign of mine is about.

great.
and that's what i sold, thinking i was doing a good thing.

i want to bring this over here and mention it.
i'll post one article i've read on them. i've seen others.
for anyone interested in paying attention to where your money goes,
this is an important read. not a fun one, but an important one.

i know some sites i really like, like redbubble, use american apparel and
proudly proclaim the shirts are american made. i know i did.

i will be dropping redbubble a note very shortly and telling them i won't be
buying any of those tee shirts.

it matters. and it matters for sites to hear this stuff.
i honestly had no idea and thought i was doing good.

where we put our money matters. who we support matters.
want to change the world? you can start with your wallet.
i think it's so darn easy to forget that.
i wanted to bring it over here as a reminder.

and next time you pick up an american made tee shirt......don't just pat
yourself on the back......it may not be as great as you think.

we'll get there tho.
the more we know, the more aware we are, the more we talk about it,
the better we'll get. and that's why i wanted to bring this over here.
it's the weekend. if you find yourself shopping, think hard about who/what
you want to support!

if you're interested....here's the article.

one heck of a good paragraph....

okay, i don't think i have ever loved an author as much as i love mark nepo.
this guy is truly my hero!

and his book 'unlearning back to god' is beyond beautiful.

here's something i thought was so worth sharing -
we've all heard we need to be able to say no.
but leave it to my man, mark, to go deeper and bring us further....
and! to include ourselves in sometimes being the ones we need to say no to!

'When we succumb to the judgement and rejection of others, we so easily
give away our portion of god's being. if you have not encountered it yet, you surely
will be faced with the pressure of someone demanding more than your self is
capable of giving without damage to your soul. whether that someone is a needy
friend, an arrogant boss, an over zealous nation, an inexorable religion or a
perfectionist brand of self justification, it all comes down to how each of us dares to
say no when truly put upon. If we say no determines our survival. How we say no
determines our changing state of grace. How quickly we return to openness after
saying no determines our rate of evolution as a being.'

thud.

an offering

I saw the issues of women everywhere in her face, in her scars, in her denial. Even though I didn't know the details of her story, I knew that she was way too young to be carrying the sadness she carried. Way too young to be wearing the wounds she wore.

I don't know when or where I decided that there was a 'too young' for pain, as there really doesn't seem to be an age limit on suffering. Which is something that makes my heart ache.

And it's something that makes me want to reach out to young girls everywhere. No, I want to do more than reach out to young girls – I want to grab them and hold them and infuse some kinda knowing into them. That's different, isn't it? It's a bit more of a control-freak thing. I want to make all that pain go away. While yes, it's a good hearted control-freak thing, I guess the way it works is it doesn't matter if it's good hearted or not, control-freak stuff isn't healthy.

But what is healthy?

I sat at a table with this young woman trying to explain her worth. Trying to tell her she mattered. The only words she could hear were from the equally wounded, scarred and unhealthy young man she partnered with. She listened and followed and believed his completely twisted version of reality with adoration and devotion.

When she tried to tell me how much better she was since she got together with him, and how she's healthy now, and that the beauty of being a couple was that you could be mirrors for each other, I mentioned that sometimes we picked the very people who fit perfectly with the things that weren't healed inside of us. And that together, instead of healing, we did a dance of dysfunction. Interestingly enough, she didn't understand what I meant, and her boyfriend had to explain it to her. Knowing he was dancing the dance with all his might, I listened to him explain. And I wondered how we could all be as blind as we are at times. Was it blind or was it something else? I just didn't know. I still don't know.

Healthy is letting go and letting people make their own mistakes.

Oh, such a beautiful sentence until you start looking at what some of those mistakes could be. That sentence can touch on the horrific at times.

And yet, I know that is what I must do, but I'm pretty sure there's a lotta ugly that will be mixed into the story, no matter how smoothly I let go or how beautifully I word the releasing I must do.

Healthy is saying your truth when you need to. That seems to be an important part of letting go. Saying the things you need to so that in the end, you will know you offered who you were and that you offered any light that you could. I honestly believe that matters. And then, for me, healthy is taking the pain and doing something positive with it. That is an essential part of my coping with the world, my living on this planet, and my living with myself.

I started work on a piece that I want to offer to girls. I sat down one quiet morning and tried to think of the things I wish every girl could remember as she headed out for her day. Sort of her 'to do' list for living her day. I came up with the following:

Things To Do Today -

• Be gentle with myself today, showing myself compassion instead of anger.
• Remind myself that my feelings are valid – even if people tell me differently.
• Learn from my mistakes, and understand that's it's okay to make them.
• Walk away from situations that are unhealthy knowing that doing so gives me power.
• Listen to my heart – not to outside pressures.
• Remember that voice inside me that knows what's best for me. Treat that voice just like I'd treat my best friend.
• Don't do things that belittle, degrade or take away from who I am or from anyone else.
• Trust the importance of each small act, and fill them with who I want to be.
• Be wary of those with all the answers, use caution around the smooth talkers.
• Hold responsibility for my own actions, but let go of responsibility for the actions of others, those are not mine to hold.
• Stay away from the confusion of trying to make everything right for everyone else, and make things right for my healthy self. The rest will follow naturally.
• Watch my body and learn to respect it, and be in awe of all it can do from its cycles to its ability to heal, to its simple every day movements.
• Understand that the happiness I am looking for begins inside of me.
• Ask for help when I need it.
• Know that I matter, I count, and I am worthy.

And then of course, I knew, this isn't just for girls. It's for boys, for women, for men, for all of us.
There will be punching up and figuring out how to present it. But it's a start of an offering. It's my way of coping, and my way of holding on to something when I have to let go of something else. Hopefully next month it will be part of the bone sigh arts product line. And hopefully at least once, it will echo in someone's heart.

something to shout about!

i got an email yesterday from someone i know thru bone sighs.
she was sharing some art/writing that she had done.

when i read it, my eyes just filled with tears.

it was so powerful, so filled with a feeling of turning towards life
in a really healthy way.
it was a gigantic 'yes!'

it made me think of an e.e. cummings poem -

love is a place
& through this place of
love move
(with brightness of peace)
all places

yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skilfully curled)
all worlds

.......

that's what her sharing felt like to me.

here's the thing tho -
she's had way way more than her share of hurdles.
she's had one of  those backgrounds none of us ever want to have.
filled to the brim with sexual abuse.

and here she is, after years and years and years and years of working really hard,
of facing fears, of finding the courage to speak her voice - here she is.

and she's choosing life, healing, and growth.

i wanted to shout about her from the rooftops!
so many people who come thru bone sigh arts are battling their own demons,
wondering if they're making any progress, wondering if they'll ever feel like
a gigantic 'yes!'.......

and that's why i wanted to write about her today -
she's one heck of a huge bright candle of hope.

hold her in the darkness, hold her when you can't get up and when you're
wondering if you can ever get up again....

she'll remind you -

you can heal and you can become more.
you can indeed become one gigantic yes!
even if you can't possibly see it right now...
it's still possible.

and THAT seemed like something to shout about!

standin' in my own way....

so i have this whole enlightened moment (see blog below)
which actually lasts for maybe two whole days....
which for me is a looooooong time.

and then.....
bam.
i don't want to do any of it.

love?
get beyond myself and really love?
pllllllppphhhhhhhhhhhppppppp (that would be the raspberry noise)

i ran into a place where i really coulda stepped into love way way more
than i did...but i just didn't feel like it.

and i watched that.

and i shook my head.

no, i didn't beat myself up.
i didn't even wrestle with myself.
i just saw it and saw how much of a block it was.

i thought figuring stuff out was the hard part.
how do you figure this stuff out if you don't really know what there is
to figure out? you just gotta stumble your way into it all.
feels hard to me that way.

but you know what's harder?
DOING  what you learn when you're feelin' lazy or selfish or just plain ol' not interested in trying.

wow.
i was all of the above.
and i knew darn well i wasn't gonna do anything the least bit enlightened.

so okay.
there's more than having an insight, isn't there?
there's gettin' beyond yourself when you stand right in the way!
and i've been watchin'....i can be pretty stubborn when it comes to
standing in my own way.

i picture a mule that will not be moved.

yeah.
that'd be me at times.

the thing i find fascinating about that?
why so stubbornly refuse to walk into the light,
why so stubbornly want to stay in the not so great spot?

why on earth does that appeal more?

there was some need there.
and instead of beating myself up about it all,
that's what i watched.
and i wondered about.

what was the need?

stumbling into love

this is brand new for me, and i'm not sure i can articulate it....so buckle your seat belt,
try to get into my mind here, (scary, i know) and fill in the things i miss but you know anyway....
it's tricky for me, so i'm gonna dig right in.

all my life i have been intuitive/empathetic. can feel other's pain very deeply.
when i do this, it's all about feeling. not a lotta brain stuff involved. heart stuff,
feeling stuff, connecting without thinking how.

when i do that, it's really all i do. it's kinda like when you have a plate with
a pile of lentils and a pile of rice. you COULD mix them, but instead you're just
eating the pile of lentils.

the feeling of another's pain is the eating of the lentils.
it's what i concentrate on. what i'm aware of. what i taste.

okay.
and then something else i can do with some ability is see other people and see
their wounds and understand their oh....for lack of a less intrusive word -
dysfunctions. (sorry, i know that's a harsh word, can't think of a better one)
that's a thinking thing, not such a feeling thing.

i do this separately - don't mix it with anything else. it would be like eating
the pile of rice off my plate - and just the rice.
again - it's what i concentrate on. what i'm aware of. what i taste.

it helps me in understanding where people are coming from.

so okay, most of my life i've done these kinda things, done them separately
and used them to help me understand people, relate and care and offer what
i can.

for no known reason to me, the other morning, something happened inside
me. i took my plate with the pile of lentils, and the pile of rice, and i mixed them.
and i came up with this incredible dish of lentils and rice! and together, mixed,
it was awesome!

i ended up taking the empathetic feelings and the seeing of the dysfunctions,
and combined them. held both at the same time. not sure how to describe that,
but somehow, without knowing how, i was doing that.

okay, let me back up for a minute.

when i do the empathetic thing - it fills me with feelings. i can feel sorrowful,
joyful, hurt, any range of things. they're strong feelings and they fill me.

when i do the understanding thing - it fills me with thoughts, and certain kinds
of...oh...'wanting of something' maybe. like i want that person to see that they're
carrying around things that restrict them. or i want them to see thru the wound
and see their beauty. there's some sort of sense of unrest inside me.

when i held these two things together - all i could feel -
i swear -
ALL I COULD FEEL
was love for whoever i was thinking of.
there was some sense of heaviness....as i was thinking of some pretty
wounded people.
so there WAS something else...something that i would describe as a heaviness....
sort of a heaviness of the human condition or something like that.
but other than that......it was just love.

i just plain ol' loved the person.

i didn't feel their pain, i didn't want them to reach beyond something,
i didn't need anything, i didn't hurt with or for them......
i just loved them. and i wanted to show them love.

wow.
it was like i tasted lentils and rice mixed together for the first time ever.
and i realized i've been missing something really really important - and delicious!

so now.
what the heck do i do with this?
first of all, will i be able to do it again?
i get nervous i won't, and then think nah....you do it once, you'll do it again.
and then.....
what does it mean?

is there some wisdom in here that i don't understand yet about
not holding the different parts of life/ourselves/others separately but
holding all the parts as one? and maybe when you do that you step into love?

i mean, you hear that kinda thing all the time, don't ya?
maybe i just sorta stumbled into doin' it by accident for a moment here.
and maybe it's something i can learn to touch again...

not sure.
but it felt so important to me i wanted to toss it out here.

the story that stood out, the word that stood out.......

there's always the story that stands out, ya know?
when you sit and catch up and have more to talk about then there is time for....

i'm gonna water it down a great deal -
but i totally want to share this story, even if i can't give it the justice that
the owner of the story can.

sue was telling us (josh had come later to surprise us!) about when she
talked to one of her doctors about doing the clinical trial that she did indeed end up doing,
and that has indeed made the tumors disappear.

the doctor (who had nothing to do with the trial)  prefaced what she was going
to say with something like - 'can i be honest with you?'

both josh  and i groaned when we heard that intro.
it's never gonna be a good thing following that phrase.
(and that right there is a whole nother topic for a whole nother blog!)

and then she went on to tell sue that she really shouldn't hope that
the clinical trial would work. that it probably wouldn't, and she should
understand that.

oh man.
oh man.

apparently there was a lot pent up in sue at that point.
grinning here.
big time.
and apparently sue let the doctor know that it wasn't okay what she had
just said - complete with a 'shame on you' thrown in there.

and then sue went on to do the trial.....and four months later is tumor free.
and guess what?
she bumped into the very same doc.
and guess what?
she got to look that very same doc in the eye and smile and say 'it worked.'

i cannot tell you the thrill that went thru me when sue told this story.

i wanted to put it out there for different reasons -

i was really hoping we'd all see ourselves in that doctor.
yes.
i hope that everyone of us knows we are capable of saying the same thing.
and may we all see how it's NO HELP at all....and it only hurts and steals
something that someone needs - hope.
and may we all see that we don't know everything.
we don't know every outcome, even when it looks so darn obvious.
that's a big one for all of us to remember.

and then may we all see ourselves in sue.
yes.
i hope everyone of us can feel the strength we have inside ourselves to
put out strongly and in no uncertain terms that it's NOT okay to take
our hope away. and then to hold on to that hope anyway. and to do what
we have to do.

and then may we all see the miracle that happened, and know that some
things happen that we just can't quite grasp, and may we always believe
in miracles.

and an interesting side note about this miracle - i'm also crediting science, ya know?
i think it's a combination of a lotta things. but even if you went strictly with the miracle
theme - it's not miracle that got handed to her. she had to travel to hell to go get it.
i think she was a huge part of creating her own miracle.

that was the story that stood out for me.
honestly, i just got shivers when she told the story in person.

and then there was a word that stood out as well -

'resurgence'

what an awesome awesome word.
a friend of sue's described her hair coming back as a resurgence.

i'm thinking it's a great word for sue coming back to life.
to know sue is to know the word fits.
she lives life full force.

i don't think i'll ever hear that word again without thinking of sue........

how amazing to be sitting at that table yesterday.

the bears are on the loose!

this is a pretty big morning.
no.
this is an awesome awesome miraculous morning.

i will be meeting with sue in just a little bit.
for anyone who came late, sue was the subject of a few posts here.
she was terribly terribly sick with cancer. only 37 years old,
and looking like she wasn't going to make it.
in a last ditch effort she got into one of those clinical trials at NIH.
as i remember now, they were seriously NOT going to allow her in.
but sue's a fighter......and she got herself in there.

and my gosh what she had to go thru.
i visited a couple times and it was so so so hard for her.
and all the time wondering if she'd make it or not.

i asked here and on fb and everywhere i could for people to send
healing and stars and love and energy and anything positive they could.
and we got people the whole world over involved.

and now.......she's passed the FOUR MONTH mark of being finished
with the study and the doctors are describing her healing as miraculous.
yes, i know they had something to do with it.
smiling.
yes. i know.
but yes, i know we did too.
smiling.
and sue herself got herself thru like no one else could.
when she could barely walk down the hallway of the wing she was
isolated to for a month, she was still stopping other patients who were
walking that same hallway and checking on them and rooting them on.
her persistence in keeping others in mind was astounding.

today we meet and together we are going to design her thanksgiving cards.

sue is planning her thanksgiving cards.

let's just stop for a moment and think of what that means.
she's here.
and she's planning ahead.

that blows my mind, delights me to no end, and makes my heart soar!

it's a miraculous morning this morning.
one that can remind us to keep our problems in perspective,
and for those of us with huge problems no matter what the perspective,
it's a morning to hold the hope that sue's story offers.

i'm thinking there's gonna be a racket at panera this morning.
sue calls us the bears (suebear and terbear) and i'm thinking the
bears are gonna be roarin' big time!
what a joy!

a simple sentence....

there we sat, outside with the gray skies above us.
it was cool enough i had a button down shirt thrown over my tee shirt.
the breeze was blowing. it'd spit rain here and there.
was this really august??

when i had arrived, she was there already and had gotten my drink.
i felt such overwhelming love for her, i ran in to get a piece of cake for her
to celebrate her being here!

we sat out at the table sipping our drinks and nibbling the piece of cake and
catching each other up on the second half of the stories we had left off on
the last time we were together.

it was friendship at its best.

and we got to talking about darkness.
and how sometimes it happens where there's a place in life where we actually
pick the darkness. we talked of the different ways this happened.
how sometimes we didn't know, but had a feeling -
and how sometimes we darn well knew.

and then she said something.
it was so simple, i wonder if it will hit anyone else.
it totally hit me.
she said - 'there's reasons the bad choices are bad choices.'

that's it.
that was the sentence.
and you know what?

i loved that sentence.

there's reasons the bad choices are bad choices.'

this hit home for both of us as we were seeing some bad results from
some bad choices and the thought made an impact.

we were talking about some pretty big bad choices.
but later thinking about it, it fit for all the bad choices i could think of.
even the 'small' stuff.
and i got to thinking how the small stuff is the sneaky stuff.

you can make a million bad small stuff choices....and think they're no big deal
cause they're small. they're not like that big bad decision over there.
thing is....i don't think it works that way.

and. and. and.
i think this includes our thoughts as well.

do we choose to think dark thoughts?

of course we do.

and i've watched myself choosing thoughts that don't help me.
and i've told myself i've chosen them and i need to choose something else
and i've seen how hard it is to change them at times.
sometimes it feels almost impossible.

'almost' being a key word there.

i've seen people sink in dark thoughts and never come out.

i've seen the whole range of  dark thoughts do the whole range of
things they can do.

it's not just the big choices to head into the darkness we have to be
aware of, is it?

there are reasons bad choices are bad choices.
and um....so i guess it goes both ways -
there's reasons good choices are good choices.
ahhhhhhhhh.........yes.

seems like something to keep in mind.

a new desk

it was the absolute highlight of the weekend for me -
we found a big ol' industrial metal desk at this kinda thrift store/flea market kinda place.

for......are you ready???
twenty bucks!
oh yes!
twenty bucks!

WHAT a thrill!

for you see, i am moving my office into zakk's old room when he leaves.
and i thought i was going to have to build a desk with wood i have in my shed.
and the whole thought of trying to figure out what to do for drawers was getting me down.

i was mentioning the drawer situation to my guy as we browsed around.
and then not five minutes later he pointed to this desk.
wow was i ever glad i mentioned it.
i woulda walked right by the thing - i was looking for drawers, not a desk!
(that in itself holds something profound to ponder...)

so, okay....it's huge, it's heavy, and it's perfect.
well.....almost.
it's um......ugly.

so i immediately start thinking about how i'd paint it.
all the time my guy is as tickled as i am because it's a big ol' sturdy metal desk
and he thinks it's awesome just the way it is.

so i consult with him, and i consult with my sons.
what would you do to fix it up?
and they've got their very neat guy answers.
and my guy was so tickled at this whole deal that he really had it
all figured out exactly what he'd do if it was his - he'd clean it and leave it
just the color it was.

ugh.
the thought of living with that color made me cringe.

but i gotta tell ya....it was my guy who suggested painting stars on it!
and i couldn't believe i hadn't thought of that!

so, you see, while they had their ideas, that's all they were. for them.
my guy knew that we were different and painting stars on it would be good for me.

but there was something inside of me.
and i don't exactly know what it was -
but i wanted to do it 'right.'
and by 'right' i meant what would make them proud of how i fixed it up.
something that would make them like it too.
something that made me fit better??? (i'm honestly not sure)

no kidding.
but i didn't really know that.
i just knew i wanted to do it 'right.'

so i tried.

i cleaned it.
and it looked a lot better cleaned up.
hmmmm i wondered....maybe it'd be okay just like this.
maybe this color would be nice after all.

i seriously thought that.

such a big part of me was trying so hard to do it the way i 'should.'

but then i knew......nahhhh....i just can't.

and so i opted for the spray painting route that my guy had suggested.
a smooth even finish he had said.

and oh my gosh - i tried. i really really tried.
i sanded it first like the guys told me to,
and i tried to spray paint with responsibility -
light layers, even strokes.

i painted the whole stinkin' desk. multiple coats.
trying.
trying.
trying.

and ohhhhhhhhh i just couldn't stand it.
it made me crazy.
i needed to PAINT it.
to stroke on the paint, to feel it, to be part of it.
to glob it, to drip it, to just paint it.

and then i realized - i was just not listening to myself.
i was trying to hard to be something i wasn't.
i knew just what i wanted to do.
i wanted to play!

but then i hesitated again.
it was going into zakk's room.
his room was painted in colors i never would have picked,
but colors i liked a lot. it was conservative. stately almost.
and i thought that'd be cool to have a stately office.
i was gonna leave it those colors  when i moved in.

i needed to think about that before i painted my desk anymore.

i walked by his room.
stopped.
looked in.

who am i kidding?
i just cannot be in these colors all day.
i'm totally gonna have to repaint.

i was loose now.
i was out of the box.
i could stop pretending.

stately conservative didn't fit me.
let's face it.
i laughed.
cause it'd be nice to be stately conservative.
it seemed like it would be nice.
but let's face it.
i'm not.
and spray paint wasn't gonna cut it.

and so i grabbed my paint......and i played.

i started with the back that no one would see.
i painted it cherry red.
i could feel the joy coming up.
oh my gosh, that felt good.
oh i love this color.
maybe i'll paint the whole thing this color.

no.
no.
no.
i really do like the idea of blue with stars on it....
and so i decided to just do the sides and back red.
and do the front and top blue.

and within 3 minutes of painting, my entire being was filled with delight.
just filled with delight.

it's all still a work in progress. but there's been some tossing of paint to make
dribbles and drops, there's been some painting of stars, there's even a little window
painted on the side that looks like it's a window for the fairies to see the sky...

and when i talked to my guy that afternoon and told him the whole story and how
i really really did try to do it 'right' - he laughed and was happy for me and said he
can't wait to see it.

there was absolutely never any pressure on his end to do it any particular way.
at all.

so.
where did that come from?
why did i try to box myself in like that?
what is that about?
and how interesting it's ME who's doing that to me.
that was all me. no one else.

i'm kinda surprised at myself.
thought i had left this stuff way behind me.
apparently not all of it.

how absolutely wonderful to see it come up,
and to have gotten by it!
now....i want to think about why it was there in the first place!

and then....a friend sent me the message from the universe today.
those are daily emails some guy does and makes them like the universe is
talking to you....(you can find them at tut.com)

i couldn't believe it.
first of all, she rarely sends them.
she had no idea about the desk.
and here it is -

No more "supposed tos," OK, Terri? You're not supposed to work harder, look better, sleep less, sell more, run faster, talk slower, be happier, stay longer, leave earlier, cook, clean, negotiate, settle, start, stop, move, try, win, shake, rattle or roll. Other people made all that up. I love you the way you are,     The Universe

Oh, you can do any or all of the above, Terri, you so can, but you're not "supposed to."

.........

thinking maybe the universe really was talking to me......

one of those full stretches...

sometimes life is so incredibly full, i just swirl with it all inside of me.

as i type this, i am sitting at my kitchen table looking out the window at the most
gorgeous evening. my yard, for me, is just absolutely beautiful. i guess cause it's mine.
the weather is completely unlike maryland in august - it's perfect. cool, breezy and luscious.
it's the gift of a precious evening wrapped as beautiful as it gets.

the last few days have been full of living.
intense.
quiet.
loving.
ugly.
sorrowful.
joyful.
caring.
gentle.
twisted.
warped.
honest.
giving.

there have been moments where i've seen stuff that makes me want to vomit.
there have been moments where i've seen stuff that makes me want to bow down
to the beauty of the universe.

and as i sit and look out my window i reflect on it all.

the moments that have run thru it all with real love and caring are standing out for me.

which feels good as the ugliness had taken over my thoughts for a bit there.

why can i now feel the goodness more than the ugliness?
i think because my life is so filled with love.
and i dived into it, surrounded myself with the key players of that love,
and stayed near their energy.
i deliberately soaked it up.

and i know how lucky i am to have this in my life.
and i know that i have also demanded it in my life.
demanded it?
yeah....demanded it.

i think sometimes we have got to demand what is most important to us.
but i don't mean demand it from other people.
i mean demand it from ourselves.

which means we have to choose it when it's so hard to choose,
we have to refrain from turning in the other direction when that feels easy
and soothing....
we have to work hard to make our lives what we want.
we have to know we're worthy of a life of healthiness and love -
and we have to act like it.
there's so many little choices that create what we're sitting in.

and it's moments like this that i know that every bit of work is worth it.
and i need to keep it up.
because it's way way worth it.
and it changes everything.
it opens the gift that's all around us.

the story of....

yesterday's quote of the day was 'her white tree'


“a tree of life.
a tree of knowledge.
a tree of soul.
a tree of goodness.
a tree of her.
it was her core.
burnt.
scarred.
hacked.
cut.
chopped
and carved in.
it was still there.
it was still there!
pushing the ashes out of the way,
making room for sunlight
and water -
she nurtured it back to fullness,
she nurtured it back to life.
and she and her tree
held the sky and its moon
and together, they danced
and together, they grew.”

i wanted to post the story behind it to continue in 'the story of' series.
but i knew that i had written about this when it first happened.
so i dug that up and added just a tiny bit here and there as some of it
wouldn't make sense unless you were in my head! i think i was kinda confusing
the first time around. i was so consumed with it, it was hard to imagine you
wouldn't know what i was talking about and i just poured it out.
i'll try to edit a bit here.

so this is an edited version of a blog i posted on february 24, 2011.

makin room for sunlight

we decided to grab a quick tea at panera before
we got goin' for the day. we put our heads together
on what business we needed to do and how we're gonna
approach it all. these tea breaks are a great start to productive days.
the caffeine helps too.
we egg each other on and then we go hit our days.

so there i sat with noah and zakk.
when noah turns to me and says 'you know, you haven't
really filled us in on what's been goin' on inside you the last few days.'

i smiled.
'thought i'd spare you a bit' i said.

zakk chimed in that they'd like to hear.
i looked at him.
he's a good egg.

gave them the reader's digest version.
which included this.....

'the way i can best describe what's going on inside me,
is i had this 'visual' thing i saw....i saw this in my mind -
i walked up to a door and opened it
and it opened to the outdoors - the door led right outside.
and there was this whole field with trees and nature, and
what looked like a burnt down building.
a completely charred, burnt building or something.
it was gone.
demolished.
black bits left.
and i felt like that was my core.
i had some sense before that it was there, but i hadn't seen it.
i felt like i saw it for the first time ever after somehow knowing about it.
it's one thing to know about something. it's a whole different thing to see it.'

'and somehow that's at my base - the core of who i am -
and i gotta do something with that.'

the guys are great. they're used to conversations like this.
which tickles me to no end.

as i tried to explain generally, briefly, where i thought it
came from, i told them i didn't know how to start rebuilding it.
i was lost on that part. i had thought about it, but couldn't figure out
what would be the building materials or how i'd get them.

noah looked at me so serious and countered the visual.
saying that it seemed more like the things that hurt me in the past would
be things that would create a building around me. it would be a building that
was built up that i had to knock down. that this really didn't fit for him
and he was wondering about it.

i nodded in total agreement.
'for ten years that's where i've been operating from.' i said.
'but something's different. that wasn't right. i don't get
it, but i know now that's not right.'

and then.....in trying to make some sense of it to him,
i made sense of it to me.

this is what finally surfaced from the thoughts i offered him -

it's like we're all born with these gorgeous trees in our
subconscious realm. we all have these gorgeous big strong white
trees that are majestic and just reach to the heavens. they're us.
they're the symbol for us.

we all have that tree.

and it's like my tree (and prolly most people's trees) has been
hacked, burned, demolished.

it's like i can just see this black stuff there on the ground.
some stubble sticking up. black. charred.

i sat there telling him this -
and suddenly......everything changed.

i kinda sat there and my breath was taken away.

it was a tree.
not a building.
it had life in it.
it wasn't an inanimate object.

i didn't have to find the cement and the bricks and
the beams.

sun and rain and warmth and nurturing would make it grow again.
sure, it wouldn't be that majestic big white tree to begin with.
but it could grow back into that.

i would have help.
the help of nature. of the universe.
i wouldn't have to build it.
not all alone.
i would just have to nurture it.
water it.
make sure it got sunlight.
let the wind blow over it.
pay attention to how it's doing and care for it.
tend it.
but not manufacture it.
it's there already.
i don't have to manufacture it.

i can't tell you what a relief that was when i figured that out.

and i could feel this whole excitement build inside of me.

i've been lost on how to do this on my own.
and i don't have to.

i just have to tend it.

i am so moved by this.
i need to come up with a daily ritual of tending it.
i really think i do.

can't you just see it?
the big huge gorgeous white tree that is you?
it's in all of us.
burnt, charred, hacked, sawed, carved....
it's still there.

the first thing i'm doin' today is pushin' all the black
gunk off of it. making room for sunlight.

that's the first thing i'm doin.......

photo op!

ah! it's photo op time!
if you got one of our candle stickers in the whole 'holding light' thing
we're doing, you can take a photo of it - and obviously, it doesn't
have to be on your car....it can be anywhere! - and share it with
other people who have stickers!

it's a way to make it a community thing, a way to show us we're not
alone, a way to remember we're all in this together!

would love it if you hopped in!

and if you haven't gotten your sticker yet (they're free) come on by
and get one (or some)....

if you go to this link, this is the page where you sign up for the stickers.
but scroll all the way down. Noah's got something set up so nice and
easy for us to post pictures!

http://www.bonesigharts.com/holdinglight/

a big thanks to noah for doing this for us when he was cross eyed and beat!
and a big thanks to you guys who post your pictures and help remind us
we're in this together!

inspired

it was one of those weird days.
the world crept up on me.
i stumbled into some of its gunk.
made me feel icky.
and yet i could see that it kept goodness all around me.
it was a hunk of ugly in the middle of beauty.

at some point, i threw up my hands and quit.
it was useless trying to work anymore.

there was a lot to think about.
and some ugliness to hold.
and some centering to do.

laying down on my couch with my laptop, giving up to doing
anything productive, i ended up doing the best thing of all.

i got inspired.

i stumbled into a movie i hadn't seen.
it's a few years old by now, so maybe most of you have seen it,
but if so, maybe it's time to watch it again!

it's called 'i am'.........and it was exactly what i needed.

it was EXACTLY what i needed.

it talked of our connectedness and of how what we put out
to others mattered, it talked of the mystery and power of the heart,
it talked of cooperativeness instead of competitiveness.

it had me gasping and nodding and crying.
(and i wish someone had told me....so i'll tell you......if you do watch
and you get to the part with a woman's eye and they're gonna do something
to it......close your eyes and skip that part.
i really wish i had known.)
but other than that, it's a message i think we could all use.

and i'm gonna take it into the gunk i stumbled in.
and i'm gonna remember my energy, my heart, and my power.

i started already.
i'd concentrate on my heart and the feeling i wanted in there.
i'd feel it, then let it spread outwards.

i kept thinking how that affected everything around me.

everything we face, everything we deal with, everything we do....
what we put out towards it matters.

let's bring the depths of our beauty to our lives.
let's add to the good, and see if we can fade the ugly just a little bit.

i'll be workin' on it today.