a favorite

it's good friday today.

and while i'm no longer christian,
i still have very special feelings about this day.

every easter i pull out the 'jesus christ superstar' album, and give it a listen.

totally one of my favorites ever.

my favorite song on the album is where jesus struggles with the whole deal,
and asks for it all to be taken away from him.
then he figures out that 'god holds every card' (i always loved that line)

this song still moves me and stirs up profound feelings inside me.

i wanted to offer it today.

hearing

i had already been thinking about it.
altho, certainly not so eloquently.

i was thinking about two different times in my life where i plowed in with
someone i didn't like, became very present with them, and found myself
not only accepting them, but loving them.

i was thinking of it because it was quite a feeling to leave the bad feelings behind,
to learn about someone enough to get thru that stuff, see them, and end up
caring about them - not because i tried to, but because i listened to them and heard them.
it's made quite an impression on me.

then i read mark nepo and gasped (as usual) -

'if i dare to hear you, i will feel you like the sun and grow in your direction.'

wow. he sure put it good.
that's what happened.

how many times do i miss doing that, i wondered?
'constantly,'  i thought

and THAT struck me as i feel like i've been blinded in the past few months with
people talking AT each other, and not with each other. not only is there very little listening
going on......there's certainly very little hearing.

i liked the quote so much i posted it on facebook.

and then i watched in another spot on my page and another page where someone posted
to provoke, certainly not to talk, and yet claiming it as wanting to talk.

interestingly enough, i have no patience for that right now and gave a terse answer
quite unlike my usual responses.

i'd have to sigh and say 'so much for hearing' on my part yet again,
but we ended up sharing a bit privately and it felt much better.

but i tell ya, it felt like the prime example from the universe.
if it were easy, if 'hearing' someone meant you liked everyone and all that they said,
well i'm not sure that sentence would mean much to me.

i'm not sure the experiences i had been thinking about would have been floating around
in my head like they had been.

it's the tough moments, the times we don't like someone or something they said,
the times we feel threatened, or bothered or annoyed....well, yeah, those times certainly
i don't do much hearing. at all. but twice in my life, i know i heard anyway. and both
those times made have left me with powerful impressions.

i'm thinking about that right now.
and holding it.
and wondering if i can be strong enough to hear even when i'm threatened.

smiles

a friend of mine passed this my.

she knows him and knows it's valid and real.

lately it's like i keep being reminded to be grateful for the little things -
like breathing fresh air.......and how about just being able to smile.

wanted to pass this on.
if you can share it too, that'd be great.......

let's help him smile again........

quotes

three quotes caught my eye....

and i smiled.

because they were talking to stuff going on inside of me -

the first -

'when a woman tells the truth, she is creating the possibility
for more truth around her.'  - adrienne rich

and then this one -

'something we were withholding made us weak
until we found out that it was ourselves.'  - robert frost

and then finally -

'there is nothing stable in the world;
uproar is your only music.'   - john keats


i thought i'd share......
because maybe they'll speak to you as well.

tenderness

first of all, she overnited it to me.

overnite mail.

i ship stuff all the time.
i know that's a big deal.

overnited to me.

because she knew i was struggling.

i noticed that right off.
and understood right off.
and held her generosity right there.

and then, inside, was probably the most tender of gifts i've ever gotten.

'tender.'

that's a great word.

and she can be so tender.

i opened it, understood immediately that she was giving me the
softest hug and holding me so gently, loving the deepest parts of me.

i held the gift against my face, and i cried.

and that part of me that was so lonely, was held.
that part of me just fell into the softness and accepted the hug,
and soaked it up.

it was so intense, the tears so quick, so present, it surprised me.

seems there's a few intense things whirling around inside me.
and the inner child part is sure hurting thru it.

how did i ever live so long not even knowing i had that part of me?
it's so strong, so alive in me, and is connected to so many of my emotions.
what a relief to know that part of me now.
and to understand that so much of what i'm feeling relates there.

what a gift to have friends who know that, accept that, and even embrace that.

tender.
it's a beautiful word.

and how breathtaking it is when someone reaches out in tenderness.
tenderness.
it somehow cracks thru something and touches us in a way we so need touching.

feeling very grateful for the love around me........
and for my friend who understands.

the whole darn stinkin' ride

i told her how much just hearin' her voice helped.

and she said 'well, i think just talkin' to someone we know loves us,
is what we need sometimes.'

and i agreed with her and said 'but there's more...'

and i told her how it was about knowing i was understood.
how i didn't have to explain anything, and if i said something off the wall,
she knew what i meant and answered with a calm and knowing 'uh huh.'
it wasn't work to talk about things, it wasn't an effort on her part to
understand me, and i was safe.

i didn't even tell her half of what was goin' on with me.
cause i didn't need to.
i just needed to hear her voice.


and i remembered things that i couldn't hold earlier.
i reached out and held them.
and floated closer to the ground with each reach,
and with each holding.

i could feel myself coming back down to earth.
i was getting grounded once again.

it'd been days since i felt grounded.
and i finally figured out what was goin' on with
my inner child inside me.

i'd love to say it was just talking to her.
but i know it was more than that.....

i had been leaking tears all day.
and trying to let that be okay.
i knew little terri was running amok inside me,
and i was honest about it and just watched.
i knew what part of a project i could start to focus my energy,
and knew what part i couldn't jump into yet with the lack of energy.
i rested, and i tried to just let it be.
and none of it felt good.
but i think it all brought me to where i could even think of calling her.....
and where i could land home again.

it's a process.
and sometimes it just doesn't feel good.
and sometimes it does.

and i'm in for the whole darn ride.
even when it knocks me flat.

no words

we cut sue's hair off yesterday.

i'm sad and have no words.

i'm tucking a star in my pocket this morning.

passin' awards around

barb won my heart over when she stopped by and left a comment on  my post
about my buddy, sue, and not only offered to keep sue in her thoughts,
but also dedicated two photos to her.

how kind is that?
well, her kindness didn't end there......
she just went ahead and awarded me with an award for 'those who in the blogs
make today and the now importnat.'

Awarding the people who live in the moment,
The noble who write and capture the best in life,
The bold who reminded us what really mattered -
Savoring the experience of quality time.

wow. kinda awesome.
thank you so much, barb.

so, okay, when you win this award, you're sposed to make an acceptance speech.

here's mine -

i say i want to live in the moment....but i think a lot of times i'm too darn scared to.
or i'm okay with the moment as long as i can have a mask over my face, filters over my
eyes and judgments in my head.

and yeah, i know.
that doesn't really work, does it?

i do want to drop those things and i do want to see clearly and live fully -
which i think is living in the moment.

so for me, this is another nudge -
go for it, terri.
keep on trying.
and grab those moments where you actually do this and gather them together
and make more and more of them.
and share them -
because it's our stories that help each other grow.
and it's our stories that  remind each other that the moments are all we really have.

thank you, barb.

so now!
i get to pass the award on!

josh - my son who teaches me so much -

noah - my son who movs me with his heart -

pam - my mentor -

akasa - a sister in spirit who always passes her love my way -

mary - who has a heart the size of the universe -

sorrow - who always understands -

********
RULES:
Winners re-post this completely with their acceptance speech. This could be written or video recorded.
Winners have the privilege of awarding the next awardees! The re-post should include a NEW set of people/blogs worthy of the award; and winners notify them the great news.
RESOURCES:

• What makes a good acceptance speech?
  • Gratitude. Thank the people who helped you along the way
  • Humor. Keep us entertained and smiling
  • Inspiration. Make your story touch our lives
• Get an idea from the great acceptance speeches, compiled in MomentMatters.com/Speech
• Display the award’s badge on your blog/website, downloadable in MomentMatters.com/Award

Happy weekend!!

wrapping light

wanted to kinda shoot out the sue request as the weekend hits here.

i talked with her on the phone, and she's having a hard time.
of course.
i can't even imagine going thru all she's going thru.

and she so desperately wants to just get out of her little area of the
hospital and get some fresh air.

not yet.
not for awhile yet.

i listen to all the things that happen to her and around her and think
how it'd have to drag you down on the best of days. and here she
is just hangin' on, tryin' to cope with all that.

i thought of her this morning as i got up wondering what life was all about
and wondering where that mood came from. i tried to imagine all the
moods that would just land on her.

i hope to see her again this weekend.

i don't want us to forget to visualize the stars, or to stop praying,
or to slow down on sending light.......

i have been thinking and thinking ever since i talked to her how lucky i am
that i can just go outside and breathe in all the air i want.

something so simple you don't even think about.....

and i have been thinking how vulnerable and tired she sounds.

how hard.
and to be in that room all alone.

let's keep it up, okay?

for sue...and the the sue's out there.......let's wrap light everywhere
we can......

honored

i feel very honored to share a feature that ann quasman over at womantalklive
included me in on. asking women five questions and then featuring them weekly,
she asked me if i wanted to play.

oh yes!

if you're so inclined come check it out!

pretty psyched over this.......

and just when i wasn't sure where to turn or who to ask,
i pick up mark nepo's book, 'the exquisite risk' - and i just about
squealed with delight.

because of course, of course, of course, he's dead on hitting things for me.

and probably the piece i'm most excited about today is his 'glass' thought -

'What we are is a clear water of life, and who we are is the glass that holds
that essence. Our personal identity is the glass we have shaped or been
shaped into. But the water of what we are can fill and fit any glass, no matter
its shape. It is very common to become so attached to the glass of our identity
that we grow afraid, even terrified, that should our identity break - should things
change - we would lose our essence. But as with water, spirit will fill any shape
it is given or allowed to flow into. So our sense of identity - who we are -
can change many times throughout a lifetime, and sometimes must, but the water
of life we carry, our portion of Spirit, is indestructible and will fill completely
whatever shape we assume to the world.'

....'I tried for so long to be the good Mark, only to have that glass crack,
letting the water of my heart fill a deeper glass that I can only call the authentic Mark.'

okay, this made me flip.

because while i believe i had this thought in my head, and knew and understood
some of my changes - i think i haven't had this thought way down deep where i
actually HELD those changes and lived as if i was changed.

i think somehow i've been holding on to past ways....kinda with a foot in two worlds.
hoping to make the two worlds somehow blend. not really able to give up a past
identity.

and i could see how that was totally affecting my wanting to control things.

i wanted to be able to respond to things from a different place than i really was.
a place that i worked from out of habit, not out of where i really am.

thud.
thud.
thud.

this has opened the floodgates for me.

i keep watching the things i do, the things i say, the things i want to do, and the
things i don't want to do.....

which identity am i operating from?
when do i fully release the past one and fully embrace the now one?
and then when does that one change again?
because i believe it must keep changing and changing and changing.

ohhhhhhhhhh.........
exciting stuff!

sharing

doin' the writing everywhere i turn (see post below)
i wanted to share this little bit with ya.
it's over on my tumblr......top on today...about control.

you can find it here.

knock knock

i think sometimes when you're ready, you're ready.

and my goodness, with the stuff pouring out of me,
i'd say i was ready.

we all have stuff, right?
stuff hangin' in the corridors of our depths that need to be looked at,
seen, understood, let go of......

well, for me, some of that stuff is really big and the reason it's still there
is it's so big and i don't know what to do with it.

but i've been seein' it affect me.
and i'm thinking that's not okay.
it's one thing when it lays quietly in the dark and doesn't seem to bother you.
but when you can see it leaking out around you -
okay, then it's time to do something.

not knowing what to do,
i wrote.

oh.

that worked.

oh.

stuff came right on up.
like i'd just been waiting and waiting for the pen.

okay.

so i tried different kindsa writing.
conversations with my inner child.
bone sighs.
random writing.

and it was as if the more i wrote, the more had to come out.

it was pouring so fast, i decided to type.

i usually do the handwriting thing as i feel like there's power there.
but this time seemed like i wouldn't be able to keep up.

now.....i've typed before.
i've typed fast, not correcting, and i've typed stream of consciousness kinda stuff.

but i never ever typed like this before.
i didn't look at the screen.
i didn't really 'look' anywhere.
and i typed so fast, i made so many mistakes, i doubt anyone would be
able to read what i typed.
but i didn't care.
i just kept going.
and going and going.

and i kinda wandered into some really cool territory.

and i remembered....something i believe in......

our answers are within us.

i remembered that.

funny, how i forget these things.

i love that thought.
and believe that thought......
that deep deep down inside ourselves there is wisdom beyond our understanding.

it's ours.
if we go get it.

and i started bumping into things about releasing, and not
understanding and that being okay...and how i could only live
fully by letting go. and trust.......oh goodness......trust, trust, trust
was coming up.

this was just the first round.
the very beginning.
and i know all too well that i'll be tempted to not pick up the pen again.
i do that when something really works for me.
i turn away from it.
but this time i've got to turn towards it.
i've got to.
if i'm gonna deal with what's inside of me,
and finding the answers i need right now,
i've got to.

i believe that inner wisdom is a gift.
i think it's time i went knocking on its door.

power of goals

i'm not sure we really knew what we were doing.
it all just kinda happened.
but there were things that pushed us in a certain direction.

he knew i was on a personal quest and wanted to find 'real' -
and that i didn't want to settle for anything less.

he touched in on the real with me, became a believer
and became the main voice nudging us not to settle.

we both had been thru painful marriage break-ups filled with
regrets, mistakes and things we needed to own.

we tackled so many hurdles in front of us that the only way thru them
was workin' really hard together. working really really hard.

the trust built, the trust wobbled, and there was more work to be done.
over and over and over again on that one - maybe a forever thing.

i so wanted to figure out what love is. what it truly is.
he got curious as well.
learning love meant learning about our baggage and working with what that
baggage did to us and between us.

and somewhere along this whole road of trying so hard to find the real,
we formed a goal together - to really explore where love can go.
to find the depths and explore together.

a way way cool thing.
that just sorta happened.
and i think i only really just realized it this past week -
that we have a real goal we're working for -
that sunk in and i understood what we had committed to.

goals are funny things.
my dad was a big champion of goals.
'what's your goal?' was a question he asked often,
and it's a question that you hear in my house many a time now.

i've rolled my eyes at my goals and even kicked in their direction more
than once as they've kept me trying harder than i wanted to, pushing
further than i thought i could push, and kept a light in front of me that sometimes
i just wanted to ignore.

goals can do that.
i didn't really know til i got some life goals that mattered to me so much, they
became a drive inside of me.
i can't just ignore those goals when the going gets rough.
as a matter of fact, when the going gets rough is when i really need to turn towards them.
cause they whisper, shout, push and shove me in the direction i want to go.

well, darn it all, if it doesn't turn out that this relationship goal is now doing the same thing.
it's pushing me deeper and deeper into giving my all, going beyond what i thought i
could, and keeping a light in front of me that sometimes i just want to ignore.

cause we can't explore love together if i hold back who i am.
even if sometimes i'm so scared of showing who i am.
can't do it.
can't explore love together if i'm not honest, even if sometimes it would be so much
easier to just kinda glide over something and make it a little more slanted in another direction.
you just can't do it.

you gotta be real, and total, and honest and true and all of you.

oh.my.gosh.

which means you gotta figure all that stuff out about you.
and you gotta believe in all that stuff enough to share it even in the most
vulnerable moments.

and somehow i know this is leading me to healing that's needed to happen,
to belief in myself that's needed to grow, and ultimately to deeper self love.

how incredibly amazing is that?
a goal in my relationship.
i think i gotta have one.
i'm not sure i ever thought of it quite this way.
and now i don't think i'll ever not think of it this way again.

goals.

who knew the power they could really hold over you -
if you really really want to achieve them.

and if you're lucky, they'll become part of you and change you forever.
who knew?

visiting sue

i finally got to see her.
it felt like it had been forever.

and i couldn't touch her.

that was the deal.
i could visit.
but not too close, and don't touch her.

wow, i never realized how hard that would be.
imagine sitting there with someone you love and they're
telling you about their rock bottom moment, and they're
crying and you're crying and you can't reach out and touch them.

wow.

but i saw her, you guys.
i visited with sue.
the woman you've been sending the light/love/stars/prayers/vibes to.

and while i've loved sue for years and years and years -
i don't think i ever felt the love for her as deeply as i did with this visit.
or maybe it was just with a different slant of reverence if that makes
any sense......

i was overwhelmed with her beauty and her grace and her humanness.

she described her rock bottom moment to me -
her moment where she just couldn't deal with it any more,
her moment where she felt she had no control and no dignity anymore.

she described this moment thru tears to me.

and thru my own tears i saw nothing but beauty.
and dignity.
and even control....

because what she chose to focus on in telling me the story of
how it was so hard...how she had hit bottom......was that mixed into
all that awfulness was 'the holy.'

she found the holy.
her words, not mine.
but i woulda picked those same words if she hadn't.

tears rolled down my cheeks with that one.

i asked her about it.
and she described to me the angel of a nurse that helped her.
how it had to be that nurse. that was the nurse who could understand
and comfort and help her in a way the others couldn't. and there she was.
like an angel with divine guidance, she was there.

and that's what sue was telling me about.

she has more control than she realizes, i thought.
because you see, she didn't have to focus on that angel that helped her.
she could have been lost in the injustice of having to deal with the hardship
in the first place, she could have focused on the bitter, the angry, the stuff
that will box her in and imprison her.

but she didn't.

as a matter of fact, she didn't stop with that one story, she told me more.
and i watched and listened and saw a woman who was really living.
in the fullest sense.

while i know it's way easy for me to type as i sit here healthy,
i honestly believe you do not have to be healthy to experience being alive.
she just showed me more life, more real humanness than so many people
i know who are healthy and 'just fine.'

you know that phrase 'broken open'? i've seen that mentioned with different
things people go thru in life, including cancer - that sometimes we're just broken
right on open and the light just shines right out of us and into us and that kinda thing.

that's what i felt like sitting there......that something in sue had been broken wide open,
and the light that was coming out was so darn gorgeous. and i felt like just sitting there
with her, i was learning about living, about being real, and about being alive.

there were definitely stars inside sue, you guys. and they were tumbling out all over
the room.....

keep up the visualizing, the praying, the sending of light........she needs them.
she still needs them. and she'll definitely put them to good use.

a word replacement

i was talking to them about embracing our beauty.

and i realized something -

that word - 'beauty' - doesn't always work for me.

sometimes it does.
sometimes it's the perfect word.

but then sometimes it's a word with ten thousand strings attached.
and it makes me squirm.

kinda like the word - 'god' - it doesn't always work for me.

sometimes it's the perfect word.
and then sometimes it's a word with ten thousand strings attached.
and it makes me squirm.

so i use different words for god. and that helps me.

what other word would i pick for 'beauty'?

right away a word came to mind - REAL.

i love that word.

it doesn't have anything but good connected to it in my mind.

for me, real is authentic and true and honest and beautiful.
there's no tricky standards to be met, no differing viewpoints on
what it is.......it just is.

for me, there's nothing more beautiful than someone being real.

and when i realized how much more i liked this word and how i could use
this word in place of 'beauty' i could feel my whole body react. my cells
definitely approved of the word.

so what if you took it and put it in where beauty is?

embrace your beauty.
find your beauty.
you are beautiful.
be beautiful.

embrace your real.
find your real.
you are real.
be real.

hmmmm.....i'm thinking i like this  a  lot.
and i'm thinking it will make a big difference for me.

it's funny how words can hold such power over me sometimes.
how they can affect me and direct me and teach me and grow me....
or stunt me and leave me crippled. they can be powerful.

and i'm likin' this replacement here.
i'm likin' it a lot.

grow the nugget........the rest takes care of itself.

we sat around the table talking.

her struggles were speaking to my own.

and maybe that's how come i could see the nugget way down deep inside her.
that nugget we all have -
our self worth.

or maybe what's easier to see -
our self doubt.

she was trying hard to figure it all out.
going all over the place looking for footing and stuff to work with.
i totally saw myself in her.
i knew exactly what she was doing cause i do it all the time.
and i realized that it probably wasn't about all that stuff she was looking at.
she probably didn't need to do all that looking.
it was probably about the nugget.
the self love nugget.
grow the nugget, the rest takes care of itself.

we talked about this for awhile.

i mentioned how i get stuck on this......great idea, not sure of the practical
way to begin tho.

but things were whizzin' around inside of me.

i thought of the letter i wrote to my inner child last week - (yes, there's a blog on this!)
telling her she wasn't bad. and how profound that was for me.
how i swore i'd write every nite to her, and how i haven't written once since.

i thought of the 'it's not my fault' feeling i had a few days later. (yet another blog)
and i was pretty sure that the door to that feeling was opened by the inner child letter.

then i thought of the 'wobble's i got a few days later. oh man.
it was all making sense to me. a clear progression......one thing leading to another.

and yet....i haven't written another letter.

i came home from the meet up and pulled out my journal. there would be more letters.
i can see it moves things, gets some kinda energy goin', gets things happening.

and i could hear this voice in my head - 'just start. even if you don't know where to
start or what to do, just do something.. then pay attention..and trust.....you'll be amazed.'

i smiled.

it's a deal.
cause i know i've got a nugget of self love.
and i know it gets over shadowed by a boulder of self doubt.

grow the nugget........the rest takes care of itself.

a big day for sue....

i want to thank everyone who's jumped into this stars/prayers/energy for sue thing!
honestly, it means so much.

today is a big day for her......she gets the 'new and improved' stuff pumped back
into her.

infusions start today around noon.

she asked me to do a shout out and maybe send her some extra good bursts
around then.

how cool is that?!
she's asking for it.
i just love that.

so will be shouting everywhere i can!

if you missed the story it's just a few posts down, you can grab that
and get filled in.

thank you so much!!!

let's all set our alarms for noon!!!

it wasn't my fault

there has been a ton whirling around inside of me.

in trying to narrow it down a bit to post some kinda thoughts here,
i went to one of the strongest whirls that began inside me at the end of last week.

the idea that 'it wasn't my fault.'

i'm not sure how anyone else works.
but i'm a 'it was all my fault' kinda person.

i read something in the road less traveled, by m. scott peck, that really caught
my attention. he was talking about how most people who come in to counselors
for help have either a neurosis or a character disorder.

the neurotic assumes too much responsibility,
the one with the character disorder, not enough.

so okay, i'd be of the neurotic group!

i've gotten healthier now so while i still pretty quickly head to 'ohmygosh,
it was all my fault.' - i now will catch myself a few moments later and think
'well, no, it really wasn't.'

so that's good.

but then there's the deep stuff. the stuff way way way down deep.
and well.....even tho my HEAD knows it's not my fault,
my BONES still somehow hold on to somehow it really was.

but then friday evening, something clicked.
and i stopped.
stayed real still.
thought about it.
then couldn't think without thinking out loud.
so started runnin' it all by my guy.
he listened.
and he got how i was 'seeing thru a new window.'

and he understood the power of it for me.

saturday i found myself sitting in the woods talking it over with my tree.

after awhile, i figured i should head back and find my guy.
as i turned to walk away, i stopped.
turned back again.
and i sat down on a log where i could get a great view of my tree.
and i crouched real low to the earth.
and hunched up like a little kid.
and sang to myself a bit.
and thought about how it wasn't my fault.

the hurt.
the hurt i carried.
the deep stuff that i've carried for so long as having happened
because i wasn't enough of something-or-other -
that stuff -

i understood in a whole different way that none of it had to do with me.

i noticed the kid-like position i was in.
i noticed how close i was to the earth and how child-like i was feeling.

and i held that.
and my inner child whispered 'it's not my fault.'

and instead of the tears i had cried the nite before,
i smiled.
and smiled.
and smiled.

maybe this will stay and i'll know it now.
maybe it will go away or i'll find another layer where i need to learn it
in a deeper way all over again.

i have no idea.

but what i do know is i found another window from which to look thru.
i found it because of words. because of the way i could wrap some words
around some things and understand them better. maybe because the words
allowed me to step aside and look easier.

maybe because i could then flip it off of me and look at it as if it was someone else.
and i knew. i just knew. as clear as i woulda known watchin' anyone else.....
i could see.

words.
i really need them sometimes.
labels. i need those too.
for a start sometimes.
then i need to drop them all and just feel and talk to my tree
and just sit with the earth and sing.....

sometimes that sitting and singing really helps the knowing.

and right now.....i just know.
it wasn't my fault.

one more

well, it's one of those things.
i guess i'm just not done asking for help with.

it's sue.
and the stars.

see two posts below.

someone just posted on fb that they were setting their
calender to send a reminder for 7am and 7pm for sending
healing energy and stars to sue.

how totally cool is that?!

so....i'm hopping in too.

gonna set my calender to do the same.
i love the idea.

and i love having the set times to do it.
wanted to share that and ask anyone who wants to join in,
to absolutely join in!
also, feel free to leave comments. i'm sending them her way.
the more the better!

to top it all off.......
i just met the most beautiful  friend i've known forever, but met
for the first time in real life.
she gifted me with some really cool gifts that carried the theme of hope.

and that theme has been runnin' thru my heart with the sue stuff here.

i was so touched.

one of the gifts was a magnetic poetry set with the theme of hope.

perfect?

i'll be using that every day as well, with sue in mind.

join me in any way you like.
it would be magnificent to have you with us...

a little more

sue's been on my mind.
(see post below)
and i have so been loving the comments you guys have been leaving her.
i can't thank you enough.

i'll be sending those to her while she's in the hospital.
i know that'll brighten things for her and help her work on the visualizing.

thank you.

think i want to hold the space open for even more today.
if you've come by and haven't seen the post below, please take
a moment and leave a comment.

comments don't show up til i okay them. so don't worry if you don't see it
right away. if i'm not around the computer, it may take a little while
for them to appear.

she will be seeing them.
and they do matter.
so please feel free.

prayer, energy, thoughts, vibes, visuals - anything positive -
please don't hesitate to offer.

stars for sue....

how much of the story do i tell?
i've talked about it here before, and yet, it's not my story,
so i want to be careful with it.....and yet if you're gonna help,
like i hope you will, you need pieces of it to understand.

i met her when i was first starting out with bone sighs.
at a festival.
she was first starting out on a new journey herself.
she was a lot younger than i was, but she connected with the bone sighs
and we enjoyed each other right from the start.

it's been over ten years now and we've only gotten closer.
seein' each other here and there.
lately tho, there's been a pretty big tug that's been pulling us closer.

she has cancer.
pretty darn bad.
and is on her last ditch effort to beat it.

she's in her thirties.
way too young.
and battling hard.

she just began a really rough clinical trial.
where they plan on blasting the daylights outta her,
and somehow (forgive my non-medical talk) swapping out her current
immune system, training new cells to fight the cancer, and shooting
the new adapted stuff into her, hopefully to create a whole new kinda
immune system.

it's her last hope from the medical community,
and as you can imagine, it's one heck of a thing to go thru.

she's currently getting blasted with chemo.
and i think it's about as rough as it gets.

when we were last together, she explained the procedure to me.
i immediately went to the star visual i use for myself a lot.
picturing stars inside me.

i mentioned it to her.
'when they shoot the new stuff into you, maybe you can picture them
shooting stars inside you,' i offered.

and we started talking about the star visuals.

i immediately thought of my on-line community.

what if i asked everywhere, everyone, if they'd join her? join me?
in visualizing stars inside her?! what if we surrounded her in light and she
knew it?!

it could only help.
it could only only only help.

and so.......i want to post this everywhere i can..........i want to ask anyone
who feels inclined to, to go ahead and share it.......and i wanted to ask people to
figure out some kinda thing that works for them where they could, on a regular basis,
think of my friend, and picture her insides filling with bright beautiful stars.

i'm not sure you need to actually 'see' her........but if it helps, she's in her 30's,
shes got short blonde hair, and the most beautiful smile you ever want to see.
here eyes these days, tho they try to smile along with her mouth, are very sad.
she has a wicked funny sense of humor, and is using it at every turn to get thru
all that she needs to get thru.

her name is sue.
and she actually does twinkle anyway.......so visualizing stars shining in her and
out of her, isn't that hard.

will you join me?
if you want to leave a comment for sue, go ahead.
i can pass them her way and let her know that we're all with her and doin'
our best to surround her.

let's light up that hospital room, sue's insides, and the whole universe!
want to?!

a cool shop to check out

sometimes you just gotta share some of the good stuff, ya know?

one of my favorite people ever has stocked up her shop....
wanna see what she's got??

check her out here!

one of the best kinda hugs....

it was one of those glorious gorgeous perfect days.
a son day.
a wandering around with my guys day.
a let's cram in the car, argue over music and tease each other silly day.

there was only one thing we had to do.
it was an art thing.
swap some art out at a gallery.
the rest of the day was ours.
no obligations, nothing that had to be done.
i didn't even have to look at my watch and figure out how to time things.
for me, that's one of the biggest treats ever - no being controlled by the time.

these days are fewer and farther between.
we all work so darn hard and so many hours and the schedules are tougher
to blend. i didn't expect it to work out that we all went.
so it was doubly delicious that we actually all made it.

as we were headed home, i was curled up in the back, feelin' pretty darn lazy.
i thought of how the day was exactly what i had needed.
the break that i had been craving.
hadn't felt one speck of stress all day.

i thought about how the dynamics with my sons feels just perfect to me sometimes.
it can be so incredibly soothing.

that got me thinking about the different dynamics in my life -
the different feelings of arms around me at different times.

there's my guys.
i tried to picture what those arms felt like.
group hug.
for sure.
one that felt so supportive and made me find the laughter.
i pictured them linking their arms together - you know - making one
of those seats you can sit on and they can throw you into the air
and send you laughing.
that's what they did for me. support and laughter.

then there's my guy.
my partner.
wrapping his arms around me and making me feel safe.
i thought of how it felt to melt into his arms.
how there's just no place that feels like that besides with him.

i thought of a special friend who wraps me in her arms and lets me
melt into her long soft embraces.
i always always feel the unconditional love there.
she even manages those soft hugs over the phone.

then my girlfriends.......my coffee buds......i pictured them.
and how there's times i just need to go cry around the table with them
and feel their arms stretching out across the table.

all the different kindsa hugs...

there's facebook that can even feel like a hug.
if i need a quick laugh and just some knowing that people i care about
are indeed out there, i can bop over there.....

there's so many different places to find different hugs.

curled up in the back of the car, feeling completely happy and content,
i thought of all the different kinda hugs. all the different kinda loves.
and how incredibly lucky i was.

i looked at each of the guys.
they were joking with each other and laughing.

laughter.
i started laughing with them.

laughing, i thought......
think that's one of the best hugs there is.
and definitely the best medicine for me right then.

a good weekend mantra

just got in the best conversation with one of these great sons of mine.

their thinking is so different than mine.
i really think the masculine brain has something to do with it.
i find these masculine brains around me really interesting.
i love it because it gets my brain going in different directions.

in the process, m.scott peck was mentioned.
he's a hero in this house.
we all just love his book, 'the road less traveled.'

i went to grab the book and check out the section on love again.

love is on my mind.

being love.
living love.

the quote a few posts down here from marianne williamson really grabbed
my attention.

just in case you need to see it again....and i know i do.....it's this -

“Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is.” (Marianne Williamson)


the part that got me is the 'forgiven someone's darkness'.....
that part.

man.
easy to type.
really tough to live sometimes.

yet, if you want to be love, it's something to pay attention to, isn't it?

so while i can't say i've been thinking about it all day,
i can say i've been carrying it.
it's almost like an arrow that shot in my heart and has just stayed there.

so i pulled out ol' m. scott and found this first thing -

'Everyone in our culture desires to some extent to be loving, yet many are
not in fact loving. I therefore conclude that the desire to love is not itself love.
Love is as love does. Love is an act of will - namely, both an intention and an
action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.
No matter how much we may think we are loving, if we are in fact not loving,
it is because we have chosen not to love and therefore do not love despite our
good intentions. On the other hand, whenever we do actually exert ourselves
in the cause of spiritual growth, it is because we have chosen to do so. The choice
to love has been made.'

i read that and just put the book down.
life with my partner comes right to mind.
i say over and over that he is teaching me how to love.
and i so believe that.
because when we get stuck and have a problem, i gotta say,
we choose love even tho it's really really hard sometimes.
and we've had to dig really deep at this in certain moments.
and somehow we've managed to choose love.
over and over.

and i think of how hard it really is sometimes.
even when there's so much trust and such a foundation of love between us.

how about with those people i don't have the trust with?
yeah.....and my mind drifted there.
not such a pretty story.

i want to be love.
'but the desire to love is not in itself love.'
it's my choice.
over and over again.
it's my choice.

'love is as love does.'

there's a mantra for ya this weekend!

searching for the good......

so darn proud of this son of mine.....

look what josh has planned!
and we can ALL be part of it so easily.
he'll be setting it up so we can participate in a buncha ways.

(wow.
i didn't know that was how you spelled participate! thank goodness
for spell checker!)

i'll be shouting about it again. but wanted to get you all in the mood here.

check this out!

wow...

saw this on facebook.

reposted it.

knocked my socks off.

i'm printing it and putting it somewhere i'll find it again.....
just when i need it!

“Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is.” (Marianne Williamson)

a pretty cool place to start

i did the coolest thing and have to share!

i was in the psychic phone booth (the shower)
when i got a little nudge inside my thoughts -
'snuggle in and write yourself a love letter.'

OOOooooOOOOhhhhhh.....

okay!

that was a cool idea.
why not?
and i do try to listen to the thoughts that come in the shower.
so i was game.

as i was drying off, i glanced over at the tattoo pens a friend of
mine had sent me! multicolored pens that were safe to use to
make tattoos that would wash off.

ohhhh yeah.....
why not start here?

i hadn't yet used them.
i kept thinking i would, but every time i was going to,
i'd be rushing and never had the chance.

okay.
how perfect.
the first time i use them i'm going to write love letters ON myself.

perfect.

and so i did.

and it was awesome.

and then i grabbed a journal, a pen, and snuggled into bed.

the journal was an old one already partly used.
for notes i'd written to my inner child.

hmmmmmmm.......this just keeps getting better and better.

let me start with a love note to her!

i started right in.
and i don't know what happens in moments like this,
but stuff just pours out of me.

and sure enough, i didn't need to sit and think about what
i wanted to say......it just poured right on out.

and i started talking to her about when she feels like she's a
'bad girl.'

and how she's not.
how she's good.

and as i wrote, i could feel how huge it all was to me.
i could feel how important.
and i could feel how powerful this all really can be.

i was looking for something to work with the self love and the self doubting.
i think this is a pretty cool place to start.

and i so wanted to share!

ready for the storm!

i don't know what it is,
but fixing things around the house with the guys is just such fun!

with the snow storm due in,
and our pellets running low for our pellet stove,
we figured maybe it was time to actually go drain the water
from our oil tank so we could actually use the furnace!

our furnace man had come out last week.
i love this man.
he reminds me of an old friend of mine,
and he makes me laugh.
but he didn't fix my darn heating problem!

i was sitting at my kitchen table working on my laptop while
he was here. the furnace is right next to my desk, and i figured
he could use a little space to work.

so i sat there doin' my thing when he came up the three steps
to the kitchen.

'ohhhh you're in trouble' he said with big eyes.

now, that's never a good thing to hear from a furnace man.

but with this guy, i just never know if he's teasing me or if i'm really in
trouble.

'real trouble? trouble trouble? or just trouble? i asked him very sincerely.

'real trouble.' he answered, eyes still big.

gulp.

he proceeded to tell me we had a whole lotta water in our tank.

as i slipped on my shoes to go follow him outside, i asked him
'is this something your oil company gladly fixes for free?'

he laughed.
'oh they'll come out all right. but they'll charge you to drain that thing!'

i stood there next to him in the dark watching as he shone his flashlight
all around and mumbled.

trying to follow what on earth he was saying, i asked him -
'so what does all that mean that you just said??'

when he explained it all to me i asked him 'is this something we can fix
ourselves?'

sure enough, it was.
and he explained to me how to do it.

he had remembered that we put the tank in ourselves.
we both laughed over the memories of that and all the questions i had
asked him. i laughed and said 'that's when i learned what a 'lentil' is
remember?!' and yeah, he remembered.

(lentil? lintel? it's the concrete thing you put under an oil tank....
not the stuff you make soup out of!)

by the time he left, he had teased me a bunch, scared me a little,
and made me tickled to give this a go.

my sons assured me it was no big deal.

when i mentioned it to my guy, he suggested jacking up the tank.

uh oh.

'piece o' cake' he had said.
as i glanced down at his bandaged up thumb that he had recently
mangled in one of his famous mangling moments he manages at a fairly
decent rate.

hmmmmmm......


when i suggested it to the guys, they got quiet.

uh oh.


we did end up bringing the jack out, but we all looked at that tank.
and then each other. and then the tank.

we decided to use a pump.

and oh wow! it was so darn easy!
and so darn exciting!
in all the things we ever fixed, this was the easiest.
but it was so exciting to me!

the guys explained siphons and pumps to me.
i never really did understand them.
there they were, patiently explaining them.

you'd never know i ever taught them school.
they teach me everything now.

the air was cold, the job was easy, the learning was fun,
and we knew we were gonna get heat outta the deal.

i hadn't felt so good in days.
just what i needed!

who knew when the furnace guy said 'you're in trouble' that
fixing that problem would be one of the highlights of my week.

man, there's something to keep in mind!

and in preparation for the big snow storm coming in and possible
power outs, i will post this tonite!

stay warm, toss snowballs, and enjoy the last gust of winter!
oh yeah.....turn up the furnace!

sharing amazing women!

it is a day for sharing awesome women.

this is my buddy, susan, and i post this with great love!
i can tell you her art is awesome!
so that deal there with the print is really a nice nice thing for her to offer.
i love that she did that. if you can help, please consider it.
and if you can't, please send her some love and light!

check her out.

elise's vid

my beautiful friend, elise, shared this vid she made and i am just so
taken with it and her!

wanted to share.......

thanks, elise! it's absolutely perfect!

mask stuff...

so there i was pondering masks and why i put them on when i get hurt.

so you know how that goes.....let's wait.....oh.....maybe an hour...
and then let's get terri's feelings hurt so she can get an up close and personal
look as to why she uses masks to hide that hurt.

why didn't i see that one coming???

and yeah, i figure there's a thousand different scenarios so that there's not
just one answer to this whole mask deal...
but i saw one answer anyway.
and it was way complicated.

there was definitely self protection in there.....
but there was something else i wouldn't have thought of.
and i'm not sure how often it would apply...
but it did this time.........

self doubt.

yeah.
go figure.

i felt stupid.
and completely unsure of myself.

i became a playground for self doubt.

wow.

insecurities and self doubt.

and i certainly didn't want to show any more of myself.
mask right on.
zip.

okay.

fair enough.

we're allowed to protect ourselves and figure out what's goin' on.
put a mask on and run for cover and try to regroup.
that's fair enough.

but here's the thing....

while i'm thinking there's a place for masks, i'm thinking i use them too often.
or more often than i think i want, and i want to learn to live without them.

how?

well, maybe a good place to start with would be self doubt.

yeah.
yeah.
but how do you do that?

don't know.

again, it's gotta be rooted in self love.

i went to bed sad.
and i didn't want to wander in the self doubt and fears.
so i concentrated on showing myself compassion.

i visualized wrapping my arms around myself.
just laying there holding myself.

i visualized so well that i could actually feel my arm around me.

i have never visualized that strongly before.
it was incredible.

i fell asleep like that.

not sure how to wander into the self love and self knowing -
but i figure that was a pretty good start.
just laying there showing myself compassion and care.
so strongly i could feel it.

it's pretty amazing where these mask thoughts are leading me.......
and i keep wandering....

sharin' some tumblr

put up 'her white tree' over on tumblr.....

wanted to share!

if you get some time, and haven't been over there
in a bit, come on by!

colds

i got hit hard with a cold last week.
i was okay with that because i figured that maybe there was a message in the cold for me.
that maybe it was time for me to slow down and listen.
what the heck.
i was game.

and so i tried.
i lay there on my bed looking out the window.
i watched a bird on the tree for a little bit.
i slowed down.
got quiet.

nothing.
just sneezes.

the cold progressed.
pretty soon my face was about as runny as it could get.
i had trouble keeping my eyes open.
there were times i just couldn't keep them open.
had to close them.

i started saying 'my face is melting off.'

after saying it the third time, i heard it.

my face is melting off.

ohmygosh.

what does that mean?!

masks?

is that what i'm sposed to slow down and pay attention to?
and how about the fact that i couldn't even see cause my eyes
were so runny?

seeing clearly??

is that in there too?

so, now i got excited.

my masks?
others' masks as well?

seein' myself clearly?
seeing others clearly??

i thought of some recent hurts.
of friends not seeing me.
how that had really hurt a lot.
i wondered how that was all mixed in it.

i put on a mask when i got hurt with them.
was 'okay' with it in front of them.

maybe that's not living real.

nah, i would think that's totally not living real.
but i did it so naturally and easily.

i hid myself like a pro.

a mask that hides your hurt.
why?
why do i hide my hurt?

is it as simple as i don't want to rock the boat?
i want to just let it go by and keep on going?
or does it make me more vulnerable to show the hurt?
or does it make me 'less than' to actually even be hurt?
does it open me to more hurts?
does it lead me down a road into really looking at stuff inside me
i don't want to see?

ohmygoodness......on a roll now i started going in a lot of different directions.

what masks did i wear that were holding me down?
did i want any masks at all?

did i see others' masks?

and the questions began.

i fell asleep.

when i woke up.....it was over.
the cold was over.

i lay there in bed thinking 'huh???'
how could anything so severe be over that quickly?

it was gone.
and i was left pondering masks.......my life.........and how to grow
more of what i want to be.

maybe the cold left cause it had done its job.
and maybe now i gotta do mine......