still workin'....

a friend got me thinking the other day.
always a good thing for a friend to do.

he and i sorta bonded over the theme of darkness and light.
so it seems natural that our conversation would head to our shadow sides after awhile.

if you're not familiar with a shadow side, you can google it.
it's a term jung came up with and then a whole lotta people ran with.
or maybe he took it from freud and changed it around a bit.
not sure.
just saw a lot of different angles to it as i read about it all.

i even saw the 'golden shadow' which i liked a lot.

so i read all this stuff and tried to figure out what parts of me made up my shadow.

i came up with some stuff.
not done yet.
but one of the things i came up with was something i know darn well i carry around
every single day and try to suppress. so i already knew about it. this just gave me
a new way to look at it. a new angle.

and once i had this new angle, darn it all if i couldn't stop seeing how much this
piece of shadow played with me and my life.

great.
i spose seeing it and really watching it is a good start.
and i know it's a step further into the awareness i already had.
i know that's good too.
but when i felt it kinda whip me around inside this last time,
i wanted to do more than just see it.
i wanted to work with it so it'd stop with the whole flinging me and my insides
all over the place.
and no, i have no plan.
no idea on what to do.

so i went and looked around again. and i found this quote -
and reading this actually made me excited.
because it reminds me this isn't easy stuff to figure out,
but it's worth it.

i get discouraged sometimes.
think i should have something down more than i do.
not be so controlled by things way down deep.
and then i remember - that's how we work.
that's what makes us human.
we stumble, we goof, we have no idea why, if we're lucky we start to see the pattern,
we begin to understand ourselves, we get more confused, find some compassion,
stumble again, and get right back up and try again. all the while, if we're lucky, we're
making progress that's so slow we barely notice. but there are days we do notice.
there are days we do see the progress. and we hold that and keep goin.

cause it's worth it.

this quote reminded me of that, and held me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye,
and told me to keep at it...

If you imagine someone who is brave enough to withdraw all his projections, then you get an individual who is conscious of a pretty thick shadow. Such a man has saddled himself with new problems and conflicts. He has become a serious problem to himself, as he is now unable to say that they do this or that, they are wrong, and they must be fought against… Such a man knows that whatever is wrong in the world is in himself, and if he only learns to deal with his own shadow he has done something real for the world. He has succeeded in shouldering at least an infinitesimal part of the gigantic, unsolved social problems of our day.

“Psychology and Religion” (1938). In CW 11: Psychology and Religion: West and East. P.140

God stopped by

It was the laugh that came out so loud, I covered my mouth and my eyes got big.

It was the curl of my body as I leaned over in delight.

It was when that song came on and my whole being swelled inside.

And when I felt the love slide in after the tension left.

It was how just the very thought of his happiness brought the smile that wouldn't leave.

When the squirrel bent wayyyyy over to drink from the pond and everything stopped

and then he sat right up and looked at me eyeball to eyeball.

It was when you stood close to me in line and I turned to look at your face and got

blindsided by the glory of your youth.

When you leaned back your head and laughed from your gut.

When I pounded the table because my energy couldn't be contained.

When the trees swayed in the wind as I wondered about life.

And the bluebird landed in front of me showing off its colors without even knowing it.

It was in those moments today, and more, that God stopped by.

Just to say hello, and whisper that I am loved.

the stuff of life......

it was as if we hadn't seen each other in a week.
when the truth is, we've actually seen each other more than we usually do.
so truly it shoulda been kinda low key, same 'ol kinda stuff.
but there we were, gathered to grab some lunch,
a quick break before we all went back to our stuff,
and the laughter and the chatter and the trying to plan, and the interrupting
of each other, and the half finished sentences that eventually got picked up
and finished again, the stories that got sidetracked and subject changed but
found their ways back into the conversation, and those that got lost and
dropped and will get picked up another day, the joking, the kidding, the teasing,
the sharing, the listening, the being - were so full of a magnificent energy,
that when i went back to work i had a smile that felt alive inside of me.

i am not sure what the combination is that creates these moments.
sometimes energies align right, and life happenings automatically lift our spirits.

and.......what we bring to the table matters.

what we each bring makes a difference.

i know that i had a big part of the mood today just as everyone in that room did.

i know that we all brought a part of the magic, mixed the pieces together, and got gold today.

and sitting here thinking about it, i'm reminded -

what we bring to our moments is up to us.
it matters.
we have the power to create great great things.

i want to step into that awareness more,
offer more of my laughter and my love,
and know that living these moments with that awareness creates the stuff of life.

that is so darn awesome when you think about it.
and so much easier said than done.
so many weird things get in my way.
but i can see what i want.
and i'll just keep tryin'....
and i'll keep on offering....

cleaning my glasses

hurt and fear.

maybe i'm sposed to embrace them and love them.
but today i'm thinking about how much they suck.

or maybe it's not those emotions themselves that suck.
but what i do with them.

i've been thinking a lot about this 'seeing' stuff.
how we stop seeing others.
and why.
and what that does.

i got hit with realizing how i was doing the not seeing thing because of hurt and fear.
and it was kinda cool how it happened.

i saw someone i know say something incredibly stupid.
yep.
i did.
and this someone prides himself on how smart he is.
it's a big part of his identity.
has no trouble telling you about his intellect.
and yet, there he was, being really stupid.

so i had this thought.
and yeah.....i'm not all sweetness and light all the time.
cause i actually said with great vigor to myself -
'how could someone so smart be so darn stupid?!'

and then, because i know that i'm no better in my own way -
i immediately flipped it on me and said -
'how could someone so intuitive be so blind?'
cause i knew if they could be that opposite in one of their strengths,
i could be equally as opposite in one of mine.

i flipped that on me, and held it.
and i really held it.
and i knew it was true.

and i knew right now i was in the middle of being blind.

because of......

you guessed it........hurt and fear.

i saw all the stuff we read about in the books -
how i closed up to protect and did all the things i do when in fear/hurt mode.
but what i really really saw was how that stopped me from seeing someone.
i became so focused on my own hurt and fear,
i became blind to theirs.
mostly.
i saw them a little bit.
but mostly.

and i think about how well i do that when i'm in some kinda threatened space.

and i think about how much i really really really really want to see what's goin' on
and see the people around me.

what i saw was how much hurt i add to the pot by my being blind.

and i see that if i choose to not be blind,
i have to give up some comfort stuff inside of me.
some unhealthy, but incredibly habitually not really comforting but disguising
itself that way stuff.

and i honestly believe nothing is more important to me right now than to not be blind.

and so.....i'm putting down the unhealthy stuff that's a habit for me.
at least for this moment.
and i'm puttin' on my glasses and lookin'.
and the funny thing is?
the first thing i see is the need for compassion all the way around.
and a little laughter.....

just sharin'.....

i'm so hoping this works.
i shared this on my personal fb page and on the bone sigh arts one.

i am completely taken with this.

for one thing, the guy in it reminds me of a good good friend that
used to be a huge part of my life. i haven't seen him in years and i am
so reminded of him in this.

so okay. that's not gonna do much for you guys.
but i love that part.

and the other reason?
this to me IS love.
it is sooooooo love.

and it makes me feel so good to watch the way they look at each other.

need a smile?
come check this out.

i've been watchin' it for a few days now!

thinking

it was kinda odd.

a conversation i had years ago was in my head lately.

it was with a dad about his sons.

and in my mind, the conversation was profoundly sad.

and then as this conversation is rollin' around inside of me,

and i'm kinda wondering how anyone could be so thick headed as that dad,

i have a present day conversation with another dad dealing with his son.

and i find that one equally as sad. and this dad equally as thick headed.

i got to thinking about that.

and i realized it really had nothing to do with fathers and sons.

it could as easily have been mother and daughter,

husband and wife, 

sibling and sibling.

probably NOT friend and friend as we don't seem to treat our friends

the same way we treat family.
that right there is interesting.

so what was the bottom line i wondered?

and i pretty much came up with the unwillingness to see another

and in that unwillingness, more pain being produced.

now that's a tricky sentence.

because there are times we do see each other and cause pain anyway.

sometimes pain can't be avoided even if we're seeing clearly.

but sometimes it CAN be avoided.

or lessened.

but we're too darn stubborn to even open our eyes.

sigh.

and i know.

every single one of us live moments like that.

but having it in my face and on my mind really got me thinking about it.

and it is EXACTLY what i do not want to do in my life.

it starts with opening our eyes.

and seeing.

sometimes that takes a tremendous amount of strength.

but i'm thinking it's always always worth it.....

crazy

this one needs a disclaimer......
i really am okay.
smilin' as i type.
i've been doin' a lotta writing lately.
and i thought it would be interesting to write out what it feels like
when i feel crazy inside. so that's what this is.
i was hoping someone else might relate.
it's a reaching out to anyone else who feels crazy from time to time -
...............................

There was a certain feeling.

A one of a kind.

Unmistakable.

One that made her nerves jolt to attention.

It was like a beat of a frenzied dance.

As the drums got louder, her eyes got wider.

Her breathing changed.

And she knew crazy was coming to take her.

Oh no.

It's happening.

And it's never good.

Probably in the end it brought her to some better place.

Probably.

But it didn't matter.

She didn't care.

Cause when the dance started,

that's all that could really be felt.

Even though she tried to let something else in.

She tried hard to see, feel, think, be - anything - but crazy.

She tried to concentrate on work.

Or her garden.

Or cleaning.

Yeah, she'd clean.

That would have to help.

Cleaning helped with the out of control feelings, didn't it?

Gave her some sense of order and power?

That was the theory.

Or so it was stated by those who hadn't had crazy come alive in their heads.

But when it rose to life,

it became life.

Even tho she'd fake it.

Smile.

Laugh.

Whisper 'I love you' and 'yeah, I'm fine.'

All the while feeling any steady sense of solid ground whirling away from her.

Sometimes she'd try to reach out.

But not in any way that really gave a clue.

'I'm feeling a little out of sorts.' she'd say.

'Struggling with a few things' she might throw in.

While at the same time, she silently screamed to the heavens

to make the feelings stop, slow down the spinning,

give her something solid to hold on to.

She'd fall to her knees inside herself, throw her head back, shaking her tangled hair,

pleading for some sense of peace.

Only to be answered with more craze.

She'd try to fake herself out.

'I don't really feel crazy,' she'd tell herself.

“I really feel pretty much fine.'

'All will right itself in the morning.'

'Tomorrow's another day.'

And she'd fight back the tears of loneliness as she lied over and over

trying to calm herself down.

This is when every ghost came to haunt her,

and every doubt rose up to bond together and form her strongest beliefs.

This is when she reached for all the tools she had learned along the way

feebly pulling them out one by one as if she was a handyman working on the house

and getting the same results as if she really were a handyman working on her house.

Tools didn't fit, she couldn't remember which way loosened and which way tightened,

drill bits broke, nails bent, and circuit breakers blew.

And just when she was sure she wouldn't be able to hold out,

slowly...ever so slowly...

the drum beats would soften, the rhythm change.

Her body would come down from high alert.

The ghosts would grow quieter.

And she knew she'd make it through again.

Not sure how.

Not sure what combination of things brought it on

or what mixture made it leave.

Just knowing that for now, crazy was on its way out.

a quiet time

this was my 'status' on facebook this morning -

ever just feel like you had to go way down deep? you had no choice. you just went? and then once there, you wanted to stay awhile. knowing there's treasure there that isn't anywhere else? and then you felt all wrapped up in it like a chrysalis? and you knew things were happening but you didn't really know what? but you knew you certainly didn't want to stop the process, and you didn't want to rush the process? you just wanted to be exactly where you were? every feel that? i got that goin' on so big time it's amazing me. i've gone from blue, to deeply sad, to longing, to searching, to finding, to being inspired, to hearing, to listening for more, and to being curious and intrigued......and to trusting....to trusting....to trusting.......

this feels like a pretty good summary.
my focus is crazy.
sometimes intense, sometimes not there at all.
sometimes exactly where i want it to be,
sometimes exactly where i don't want it to be.

and i feel like i'm changing again.

i did something big.
well, some may laugh.
and think it's not that big.

but for me, it was really big.

i said out loud 'i'm a writer.'
i claimed it.
held it.
owned it.

first time ever.

a friend called to congratulate me.
i teared up.
i knew she knew how big it was.

i haven't come up from the deep yet.
i'm still swimming down in here.
and i'm okay with that.
mostly.
mostly.

mostly i'm trusting and watching and wondering.

two good good moments

it was a good good moment.

no.

strike that.

it was TWO good good moments.

the first - last nite -

feeling insane.

needing to leave.

leaving.

and then

landing.

home.

inside.

feeling inspired.

yet more.

feeling LEGITIMATE.

from insane to legitimate.

a good good moment.

and then acting on what i felt.

and having my son show up and witness it.

eyes bright.

smile wide.

voice strong.

encouragement oozing.

soaking it up.

believing it.

and cherishing it.

two good good moments.

a quick stop that made an impression....

it's one of those days where i'm trying to get a million things done.
got a list, and checkin' the stuff off as i go.
tryin' to focus and be productive.

but food was calling me.

it's hot.
hot outside.
hot in here.
and cooking just isn't something i want to do.

i've been ignoring the heat and doin' what i gotta do.

but the food?

couldn't be ignored.

so i ran down to grab some produce.

as i walked up to the store, i looked at my image in the glass
that separated the shopping cart area.

oh gosh.
it wasn't exactly my best ever outfit.
i really need to think about what i put on.

there was a guy in the cart area.
he turned and looked at me, and i definitely got the feeling
that it looked like i had been staring at him.
i just picked that feeling up and felt sheepish.
no....i had been staring at ME.

when i got up to the cart area, i just saw the back of him.

not a very attractive back side and i thought maybe he  was feelin' that
and didn't like the staring.

i'm not kidding.
this is what i thought.
some kinda vibes were definitely there.

and then i ended up behind him in line.

and i saw.

he was........oh gosh....what's the right way to say this?
really really uncomfortable to look at.

i don't know if it was a lifetime of angst and it took over his body,
or if there was a physical thing goin' on.

but i noticed the cashier do a double take.
he didn't see it. he was putting his groceries on the check out thing.

and i realized those vibes i had picked up as i walked in were prolly very real.

i usually make a lotta eye contact when i'm in line. talk to the people around me
a little bit, just smile, that kinda thing.

he would have none of it.
wouldn't look over.

and it occurred to me he may go thru quite a lot of his life like this.

when i was walkin' out to the parking lot, he drove by me in a really rockin'
cool red car. his windows were open and i was gonna smile and say
'awesome car!' but again.......even tho it was an effort NOT to look at me,
he didn't.

and the car? it didn't fit the person at all in my mind.

and i thought about that.
WHO is that person on the inside?
who is he really?

will he ever let anyone know?
and is that why he looks like he does or is it another way around?

i take a whole lotta things for granted.
and i don't think a day goes by where i didn't wish i looked different.
(i know, i'm workin' on that)
but to be 'uncomfortable' to look at -
wow.......what a sad sad thing to carry.

and how much would that change if we could reach from our pain
and smile at someone else? or is impossible to do that one more time?
i watched his car go down the highway and i sent him some light.

and went home realizing just how much i take for granted
and feeling grateful for all i don't even realize i have.

hope

yesterday someone asked me the question 'why do i hope?'
good question, isn't it?

here's what i came up with.....

Reasons that couldn't stand the test of time and the weariness of life
were the very first reasons that I believed in hope. Beliefs that things
always turned out right in the end, and good always prevailed. Those beliefs
gave me hope. But when I reached a certain age, those beliefs were shattered
within me. I saw things not always end 'right' and good get trampled to shreds.
For a little while there, that shattering devastated me. The colors went out of my world.
I was lost.

But after awhile i realized that there were other things in some of the darkest places
besides that darkness that was so overwhelming.  I saw people survive when the odds
were against them. And I saw people do more than survive, I saw them become more
than who they were when they entered the darkness. Not everyone, no. But some.
Some truly bright and amazing souls who were like blazing torches to me. I knew I had
a choice - focus on the blackness or stare into the light.

I feel like hope was burned into me in that time of my life.

The young and innocent beliefs I had carried so many years before turned into a deep
and strong belief in the capacity of our human spirit, and yes, of the strength of love.
I know now that things don't always end 'right' and that good doesn't always win.
But I also know that the power of our authentic selves shared openly and honestly
has a strength that is beyond comprehension.I know that love has a power beyond me,
and one I don't always understand, but it is always something I need to hold. I know that
I am alive when I hope and I am dead inside when I give that away. And I know that I
never want to live without it again.

what a start

i'm pretty sure the world will always keep me humble.

seems every time i even get the slightest bit cocky,
i get slammed in the knees.
and any cockiness i could have even imagined having,
drains completely away.

i thought for sure yesterday (father's day) was gonna be one of those
whoppers of a day. it had been haunting me all last week,
and knowing that some years are better than others,
i could feel one of the whoppers comin' my way.

so i prepared for it.

i've learned.
and when i can have a plan and keep things that help me in mind,
i can do okay.

good, even.
i can do good.

as it turns out, i did excellent.
having one of the best days ever.

ha!
that's where the cocky started comin' in.

i'm getting the hang of this.
i'm gettin' to know what i need and how i need it.
i'm gettin' to look to myself for the things i need.
i can count on myself to help myself.
blah, blah. blah.

wouldn't that just make the best ever blog to just have had that to
feel great about?!

it's the 'preparing for it' part -
that's good.
and handy.
and works wonders for me.

what happened this morning was something i hadn't prepared for.
cause well........i didn't see it coming.
but once it landed, ohhhhhh i saw it really clearly.

and it spun me around and took me under big time.

it was all i could do to get out of bed.
and then to go down and exercise?
seriously, i shoulda got a medal for that this morning.

thing is - that 'takin' ya under' stuff is sooooo hard.
i honestly woulda thought this would be my yesterday.

i did not see an entirely different issue having nothing to do with
father's day, takin' me out today.

sigh.

so it's been most of the morning, and it truly has taken me under.
thing is, i have surfaced enough to realize that while i may not have
been prepared for it, i can be now for the future moments like this,
i will see this one coming now.
and for this one that is here now - well, i can do the little tricks i know help.

maybe i wasn't prepared.
but i'm practiced in this stuff.

i know what to do to help myself.

what i see sometimes is before i go to help myself,
i need some wallow time.
there's part of me that lets it all happen.

not in a healthy 'allowing' way -
but in a negative indulgent kinda way.

and even tho i'm not proud to admit that,
i AM excited to see it.

there are really two different ways of letting something happen.
there really is a healthy allowing and a negative indulgent thang that can go on.
two very different things.

not sure i ever saw that as clearly as i do this morning.

so the challenge for me today is to move from the unhealthy to the healthy
all the while loving myself as i travel.

whew.
who knew it'd be such a monday!

but ya know, if it really is the journey, and this really is the stuff i want to learn -
well, then.......i guess it's a pretty good start to the week.

thoughts

it's been a day of a lot of jumbled thoughts.

think i'll just pop a few out here.....
just for the fun of it.

the first one is the biggest for me today -
thought a lot about it as i mowed my yard this morning -

it truly is possible to live your whole life missing the things that count.
you truly can die without having ever lived.

this really makes an impact on me.
i think that still in so many ways i continue to hold the 'happily ever after'
or the 'it all works out in the end' themes so deeply inside me.
that even when it has been stated so darn clearly in my own life
that things don't always work out, things aren't always pretty,
there's something inside me still that has trouble believing that.

so as i mowed and thought about the possibility of living your whole life
with what i'd call 'missing the point' - the idea that it's up to us to
make our life real and honest and loving......that idea just completely filled me.

it's entirely up to us.

that's one thought.

then there's these - which i think totally relate -

we're not victims. i mean, of course there are TIMES we are.
but mostly we're not.

doesn't that just tie into the first one so nice?!

now add this third one - you gotta hang on to that gratitude.
ya just gotta.

i think of a situation that i completely dropped it.
that won't work.
just won't work.

which brings me right back to the first one.....
it's entirely up to me what i do with my life.

thinking of men...

men.
what a subject.
and one i won't even try to tackle.
and they think women are complicated!

i just want to share a moment where i had to wrestle with my need to have a target
for blame and anger. and i took it out on every man who ever existed. and where
that got me...

thru my work, i talk to a whole lotta women who've been sexually abused.
it's gotten to be so much that i have had to limit how much i expose myself
to that issue outside of my work. it's a topic that can eat me alive.

i saw that over a year ago.
in a random conversation i had with the check-out woman at the grocery store.
she shared a story of abuse of her retarded daughter.
it brought out so much anger and awfulness inside of me.

i vividly remember walking out of the store thinking 'i hate men.'

honestly.
that was my first thought.
and i meant it.

that's coming from a mom of the three most beautiful men in the world.
that's coming from an engaged woman who has the most incredible fiance
any woman could wish for.

so.
of course.
right after that thought i stopped myself.
and thought of these men.
and many more.

i am honored to know some really spectacular men.
and i had to stop myself and bring them into my mind.

i was a bit stunned at my blanket hatred of half the race.
and a bit alarmed.

now, it was momentary.
i realized what was going on one second after i thought it.
but still.......i thought it.

for my out of control feelings, i wanted to paint the world black and white.
i wanted to make it easier to understand.

it only took a second to figure out that didn't work.

and yet that whole black and white thinking happens all over the place.
all the time.

watch a few father's day commercials and you'll see it.
what's portrayed?
if you're a dad, hands down, you're a good guy.

wouldn't it be cool if we could paint life the way it really was?
that some people never should have become dads - like for real.
that some became better people and grew as they grew in their fatherhood,
and some people rocked it from the start.

and that being a parent is so incredibly difficult and demands much more from a person
than they realized they were ever getting into....and it's a huge mix how all that
will play out.

and that on father's day, not all dad's should be celebrated, but the ones who should be
really should be. that the ones who do their best, lose sleep with caring, get out of
their comfort zones and grow and become more, influence their kids in amazing ways,
or not, stumble and mess up and get up again........

those dads are men we can all look to and celebrate.
those are some of the men that stopped me from feeling hatred that day as i walked
out of the grocery store. those men anchored me in a moment i needed an anchor.

those men remind me of the glory of being human.
and the magnificence of a strong loving man.
and it's  to those men that i want to remind that they matter more than they know.

and it's those men i want to thank and celebrate.

the world's a messy difficult place.
thank goodness we've got some real gems in the mix.
toasting all the gems i have the pleasure of knowing, and all the ones out there
i don't know. we're celebrating you!

the people around me - a father's offering

recently, i decided to tap into the incredible wealth of thoughts, insights and experiences 

of the people around me. i wrote to a buncha these different people asking for their insights

on different subjects to share on my blog.with everyone's busy schedule, they land on mydesk when they land on my desk and i'm just trusting the timing! posting them as i get them,
aiming to post on wednesdays!

the timing for this post is perfect. it's from a friend of mine who is a dad. with father's day
coming up, i could not think of a better time to post this. i had asked him to contribute

to the blog some time ago. it was in the middle of a chaotic time for him, and i told him that

whenever he could, the timing would be right. jeesh. i couldn't have known how right. sharing
in a little bit of his story that inspired this writing has been a great honor for me. he reminds
me of what good dads are made of...and again just how important trust and faith truly are. it
is with gratitude and respect that i offer you the following -

Hope and Faith It's kind of funny that most people would probably associate Hope and Faith with religion, but I'm not a religious person; and this text really isn't about an Omnipotent Being, I'll leave those sorts of discussions for another time

But the last couple of years, actually in truth probably most of my life through one thing or another I’ve had to face some adversities; in the grand scheme of things, they're pretty inconsequential - I haven't been critically ill, or lost the use of my body, or starved, or had my house flooded or blown away by a hurricane; and to most people who are unfortunate enough to have suffered those circumstances I appreciate that, my life and my woes are fairly pale by comparison.

And I’m not writing this text as a 'woe is me', or 'haven't I suffered' or 'please feel sorry for me', no that's not the intent; I write this as a fairly happy person, yeah I've been through some stuff, but as mentioned above, in the grand scheme of things it's nothing great. There is no great insight here, this is just stuff I have floating around in my head, that I feel suits me better written down.

So how does a non-religious person like me have Hope and Faith? Well to me, these are words; words that do not have to have a religious connotation that can stand up on their own. In the simplest of terms Hope is much akin to a wish, and Faith having a belief that something will happen.

It’s really hard to explain this in any detail without giving some examples of my recent life, my recent hopes and where I’ve placed faith; but it’s also very difficult to detail a few of these things at the moment; to the people involved these are still raw times, there is still a lot of hurt being felt, and it’s certainly not my place to put that sort of detail out into the world.

So all I would say is that some very recent events that have been unfolding over the past year, have driven a wedge between people I care deeply about; unseen suffering both emotional and physical for people I care about; and being helpless to do anything despite best endeavors – during all of this, I had Hope that the right path would be found, I had Hope that they would follow the path, I had Faith that this would happen, I had Faith that the suffering would stop .. no matter how desperate my Hope and Faith seemed, no matter how much that wedge had got bigger, I believed that nothing was insurmountable, that nothing couldn’t be undone, that the light would be seen, and that the wedge would be eradicated.

I write this here today, as testament that you should never give up, never walk away – and keep on believing! I write this here today, to say the wedge has been demolished, that the suffering both emotionally and physically has ended, that the Hope I had of following the right path was justified, and the Faith that the strength could be found to follow that path was also justified.

I write this here today, as a very proud Father, whilst I still have a sense of feeling I could have done more; I’m also mindful of the question ‘How much help is enough?’ – and that reassures me that, it doesn’t matter how much more I would have helped, I would still be feeling I could have done more.

I’m not sure that any of this writing has a moral, or a punchline or any advice; it is what it is, a concerned Father relieved, and pleased that he retained Hope and Faith.

- Brian

cold drink anyone?

it was so simple.

i left cold drinks out for the trash guys.

that was it.

but that act delighted me.
and in the delight, there was a nudge deep inside me.
feelings and thoughts got nudged.
reminders popped up in ways i could really feel them,
not just think them.

the reminder yet again that attitude is everything.
that so much of my reality is made up in my head.
that i can make so much of my reality whatever i want.
that there's millions of little ways to get thru things that feel hard to get thru.
that it is in the way we look at things that our actions change.

all that from leaving cold drinks out for the trash guys.

wow.

i can get as lazy as anyone else.
i can easily say - and have been saying -
i know my attitude needs adjusting....it's just that........

it's just that........

and then i don't adjust a thing.

i have something i've been struggling with.
cause something really lovely has changed.
and i didn't want it to change.
it meant a great deal to me the way it was.

but the fact is, it changed.
and there's a thousand ways i can make it an 'okay' thing.
or i can dig my toes in and say 'i didn't want it to change.'

yeah.
obvious choice.
which i haven't been making.

gonna give myself a little room to be sad about the change.
cause i think that's healthy.
but at the same time, i'm gonna fill the world with a sense of delight.
perhaps look at it like passing out cold drinks on a hot day.
okay, symbolically, anyway.

i keep hearin' that rumi line in my head -
'there's a million ways to kneel and kiss the ground.'

well, i'm thinking there's a million ways to pass cold drinks out on a hot day.
and the more i concentrate on doing that,
the happier i'm gonna feel.....

word replacement

in a recent conversation,
the labels 'good' and 'bad' came up.

neither one of us liked those words.
judgmental.
stifling.

in rethinking, we came up with 'healthy' and 'unhealthy.'
and that made a tremendous difference.

the whole focus felt better.
and it opened me up to a broader picture.

i want to keep that in mind.
i'm thinking this particular word replacement may be
something i want to do as much as i can.

it reminds me of the goal to be as healthy as i can.
and that's something i can't seem to get reminded of enough....

boundaries again...

it's been something i've been wrestling with a long time now.

you want to be a kind person.
you want to be there for people.
you have an old person around, you  especially want to be helpful and nice.

that's just the way it works.

but then you get an old person who can be just plain ol' mean and hurtful.

then it gets complicated.

i think the word 'old' makes it really really tricky.

being old seems really hard.
being old seems tremendously challenging.
makes me want to be extra gentle.
it's scary and makes me want to be respectful.

thing is - i've worked really hard for awhile now on respecting myself too.
suddenly i found myself in a spot where i needed to be firm and set some boundaries.

that's uncomfortable for me on a good day.
throw in it's boundaries with an old person and i'm pushin' my comfort zone for sure.

when someone else who deals with her thanked me for some help i offered her,
i just flat out said 'she can be pretty rough to deal with.'

that in itself is new for me.
i think long ago i woulda smiled sweetly and said 'you're welcome.'
but i'm thinking this mean stuff isn't all that cool and i want to talk about it.

turns out this other person was 'so relieved' to hear me say that.
and started telling me her stories.
they were way rougher than mine.

i listened with interest.
because i could see it at a different angle when it wasn't me.
wondered why she put up with what she did.

bit i knew why.
cause we're sposed to be kind to old people.

but when i heard her stories, i could see how wrong it was.
she was being abused.
and it helped me feel clearer about my own boundaries.

later i called the daughter of this older person.
just to connect cause i was really struggling.

i asked her straight out - is it the meds or was she always like this?
and i got a very very very very strong answer of she was always like this.

i believed it.
cause something i'm noticing is that the older people get the more the
'real them' seems to leak out. the less masks and playing the games
seem to happen. while that may sound good,  it's not always pretty.

the daughter sounded stressed and exhausted.
i offered her some kindness.
and wondered how much of that she got thru this journey she was on.

there truly is a point to this whole story -
it's this -

i struggled so big time with the boundary thing because of my feelings
that we need to be kind to old people.

take out the 'old' word.
i believe we need to be kind to people.

the old thing turns it up a notch and adds guilt.
and it has added much guilt.

thing is - with every single dealing we have, we need to be kind to ourselves as well.
there needs to be mutual respect in any kinda relationship.

it took watchin someone who was getting abused, and talking to someone who had
been abused her whole life for me to really get comfortable with that.

i wish it was more natural for me to just do what i gotta do to set boundaries.
but it's not.

it won't be easy to keep setting the boundaries.
but i know it's right.
and i will.
not because i'm dealing with an old person.
but because i'm dealing with a person.

and allowing someone to be abusive isn't doin' anyone any favors.

what ifs......

i posted our bone sigh arts quote of the day up on facebook this morning -

it's called 'wrong' and goes like this -

'they were wrong - she was okay just the way she was.'

(you can find it here.)

it got a few comments of it hitting people in a good way,
but then one comment came thru that got me really thinking.
she asked what if they aren't wrong?

what a great, real, raw, honest question.

i'm in the process of moving my studio to another room.
it's a lotta walkin' back and forth across the house.
so back and forth i went.
back and forth.
back and forth.
thinking about that question.

my first instinct was i wanted to hug this woman.
i know what it feels like to wonder that.
and it's not a good feeling.

and then i started thinking about it being a choice.
we really have to choose whether we're gonna believe it or not, don't we?

and then - and yeah, i can't believe this wasn't my first  immediate thought -
i realized that in a different place, with a different angle, but with that very
same deep fear, i was standing right where this woman was.

and i just stopped.
wow.

that's the thing about living - there's so many different slants, flavors, colors,
experiences, that things that are so similar can hide.

i think i pretty much have the belief that 'they were wrong' in my heart.
i think it's just been time and work and well, i think it's mostly there. mostly.
and yet......i think shades of that doubt show up more often than i realize.

and i've been haunted for days now with a really strong shade of it all.

in struggling with this last nite, i had a talk with someone i trust most in the world,
and  i was reminded that it was my choice what i believed.
it was my choice what i wanted.
and it was my choice what i worked toward.

that same voice that this woman had who made that comment was poppin' up in my head
as i was being reminded of all this last nite.
i bet ya anything it was the very same voice.
'but what if......'
i kept hearing that in my own head in response to the 'it's my choice.'

and yet at the same time, something inside me knew that it was true -
it was up to me what i believed, what i acted on.
and that these 'what if's' i'd been wrestling with for days were doin' nothing but harming me.

this morning i got up concentrating on the what ifs that i wanted to be true.
i got up choosing to believe what made me stronger.

i won't do it every day. i won't do it every moment.
but i will get stronger and stronger with it.
and that will help me do it more and more.
and i'm thinking that we can all create the really wonderful 'what if's' if we choose to -

what if i really am enough.
what if i really am beautiful just like i am.
what if i really am worthy.
what if i really can be loved.
what if i really can live the life i want.

which brings me all back to this thought -

they were wrong - she was okay just the way she was.

beautiful women i had to share......

i did therapy as i mowed the lawn today.

feel much better than i did yesterday,

comin' up with some helpful thoughts on things i struggle with,

realizing that allowing myself to feel lousy about something really helps me move thru it,

i think there's magic in that 'permission.'

AND being inspired by beautiful women around me.

there are two that are on my mind right now, that i'm just kinda holding and treasuring,

and i wanted to share them here.

diane is our 'spotlight' over on the bone sigh arts website this month.

you can find her here.

it's a joy in itself just to share her, but an extra layer of delicious topping came

when i told my sons we'd be featuring her. each one of them gave their hearty

approval. and that just totally tickled me that they each new her.

and they know her because of her thoughtfulness and caring she's shown each

of them!

and then when i shared the link on facebook, so many people were delighted

to have her spotlighted. 

i think that says a lot. 

she doesn't have a business that we know her thru,

she's not known because of some link to some thing she's doing -

she's known because she's so supportive, caring and loving.

to everyone.

talk about an awesome way to be known!

her heart inspires me over and over again.

and then there's beth -

we've traded emails here and there for a few years,

recently she gifted me with her new book she created.

i really liked her thru the emails,

but totally fell in love with her thru her book.

and then! she just sent me this link to her talking about her book.

her quiet, modest, kind and loving presence is just something i adore.

when i got to see it on the vid, i just melted.

how can you not love this woman?!

you can find her and her book here.

ladies, without even knowing it, who you are helped me out so much today -

and so many days.

thanks for being in my life!

safe places....

i always want to 'see' things -
thinking that's so important.

so when i sat here with myself at lunch,
i had to shake my head.

i was seeing what was goin' on with me just fine.
in fact, it's taken me a lotta years and a ton of work
to get where i could see what i saw really easily today.

so there i sat thinking 'great terri. you got your seeing. now what?
what the heck do you do with it?!'

i had been floundering all day.
the seeing didn't seem to be helping much.

i meandered a while thinking maybe seeing wasn't all that it was cracked up to be.

until i got to this thought -

well, ter, what do you do when you see something going on with someone else?

oh.
hmmmm.
well....i answered -

i try to understand what i see.
try to see why it's happening right then.
i let them be, don't try to change it.
and at the same time, i try to create space so they know it's safe.

i am absolutely convinced that those safe places are where transformation takes place.

ohhhhhhhhhhhh.......

hmmmm.

now what the heck do i do with that?
somehow i try to create a safe place for myself.

i thought i had been doin' that.

but you know what? i think there's a difference between a 'protective' place
and a 'safe' place. not exactly clear on the difference. but can feel there is one.

and i've been doin' the protective deal.
while i think that's okay, i think i've been missing something.

i'm not sure the protective stuff creates space.
and space is equally as important a word in the phrase as safe is.

a safe space.

for myself.

created by myself.

already i'm liking this.

just thinking

i've been thinking about being healthy - not just in body,
but in mind and spirit.

and i noticed something.

a no brainer for sure.

but i noticed it and have been nodding at the thought as if i had never
thought of it before -

it can't be just about how healthy WE are -
it has to be about how healthy everyone in the relationship is.

i know it's not a new thought.
but i think the angle is different for me,
and it's making an impression.

i watched myself in dealing with something difficult with a healthy person,
and then again with a not so healthy person. and i not only saw completely
different results, i could feel how one made me soar, and the other made
me cringe. i could see how one made me try harder, the other made me
want to retreat.

i think the side by side thing made an impact.
made me see -
yeah, terri, you have to work on being healthy as you can,
don't ever stop -
but add something really important to that -
fill your life with healthy people -
and with that combination, you'll soar.........