the healing of laughter

i woke up a bit 'off'' -
and proceeded to roll in an off center kinda way.
complete with kicking myself.
REALLY kicking myself.
big time - you shouldn't do it terri - kicking myself.

i knew i shouldn't.
but it was so darn there.
so darn natural to me.

i remembered the thing about emotions tryin' to tell you something -
so i listened -
and engaged in quite an animated conversation with myself.

i was filling a few orders so had to move about a bit,
and in the process i did quite a bit of talking to myself,
and even a little arm waving - definitely some fast walking here and there.

i knew some pretty huge regrets i have where grabbing the
opportunity to hop on board and shake me even more.

self doubts popped on in to add to the circus train.

chugga chugga chugga....on and on it went.....

all the stuff i had been reading about my personality went thru my head.
they coulda wrote this scene i was living and slipped it right in the book.

but knowing that really didn't do me any good.
and i had no idea what would help.

and then someone i love called.
someone i love to laugh with.

he called and we laughed.
i didn't go anywhere near my stuff.
i wanted to just put it down for a bit.
i wanted to feel light.
and i wanted to laugh.

really laugh.

and we did.
i love the sound of our laughter together.
it's one of my favorite sounds.

and maybe the shaking with delight jostled the gunk.
maybe it did.

because when i hung up, i could remember the stuff i read -
and i was reminded that i am more than my feelings and my feelings don't need to define me.

they can guide me.
they can talk to me.
they can teach me things.

but i'm more than them.

and i learn.
and the past regrets are just that - past regrets.
and that i have the power to create my life now.
and that kicking myself is an old habit.

so i stopped.
leaned back.
and breathed.

laughter really is medicine, isn't it?
it came just when i needed it.
think i'll go find a little more.....

loving this book

there are so many thing from this book i'm reading that i want to share -
('understanding the enneagram' by riso and hudson) that i feel like i want
to type out half the darn thing!

since that doesn't seem like the best idea - i found ONE SENTENCE
that i loved and decided to share it -

they liked it too - they have it in italics.

'Personality is constantly in some kind of reaction to the present moment.'

bam.

this section is talking about moving from your personality to your 'Essence.'
it's an awesome section that i gasped over more than once.

but this one line i smiled and nodded at.
and then stopped and thought about it and nodded and nodded and nodded.

they talk about if you're in Essence, you are present to the moment.
personality has always got its attention to the past or the future or focused on the imagination.

ohmygosh do i understand that one.

i keep thinking about this stuff.
about how my personality gets me stuck in places.
how when i feel threatened i have such automatic reactions -
and yeah, reactions that are exactly from the book. (it's uncanny)
and how those reactions are getting in my way.
it doesn't even have to be that i'm 'threatened' - it can be anything -
and i can see definite patterns in my reactions.

at the very very end of the book - the last paragraph - they knock my socks
off talking about the capacity to be a co-creator of who you are.
i love love love that phrase.
'co-creator of who you are.'
isn't that incredibly beautiful and exciting?!
they mention that from a merely psychological viewpoint, there is 'enormous dignity'
in that thought.
and then they bring in the spiritual point of view -
and how it moves us toward Being and 'culminates in meeting the Divine.'

ohmygosh.
makes me want to get past some of these silly quirks of mine.
it's on my mind.
i'm aware of it.
and i don't feel any further along for all the thought i've been giving it.
but somewhere inside of me, i really do believe i'm further along,
just because i'm more aware.

and so i keep going.......

to assume or not to assume.....

i just had a visual of one of me taking another me and tossing me to the ground -
'STOP ASSUMING!' the one with the foot on my gut is growling.

i'm laughing here as sometimes it really does feel like a darn wrestling match.
that visual just came so easily as i assumed for the millionth time today.

over and over i assume.

i had decided i wanted to just plain ol' stop that.
and then i had a conversation with one of my wise sons.
he pointed out how that's kinda how we work,
but the trick isn't really not to do it - the trick is to do it knowing that you
could very well be wrong and will have to change the assumption.

ohhhhhhh i liked that.

and i agree.
and yet, i think there's also a lot of over-assuming that i do that i don't need to do.
and it only gets in the way.

and i can see it all around me -
i'm not the only one overdoing it on the assumptions.

so i want to try to do both -
stop assuming so darn much.
and try to keep it to a minimum and keep in mind that it's really
what these things are - assumptions - and they're subject to change.

wow how i wish we had a world wide don't assume day.
i think it would change everything.

a tidbit from my weekend.....

as part of my 'grab some time just for myself' thing this weekend,
(see post below)
i curled in with some books and just did some reading.

i'm a big big fan of the enneagram.
i'm also really picky about which books to read on this subject.
the authors riso and hudson are the ones i really enjoy.

so i started another one of theirs called 'understanding the enneagram.'
to go along with the one called 'personality types' that i adore.

this one's got a section called 'personality, essence and spirituality' which
totally thrills me as it takes the personality stuff to the next level.

i read this and just held it for a bit -

'We do not move beyond human nature but beyond our delusions about ourselves
and about reality. Living in Essence becomes a matter of seeing through our ego and,
in so doing, of discovering and maturing our truest self. The search for Essence is not
an escape from life but the reverse: a commitment on our most profound level of
consciousness to participate in our own creation.'

wow.
i just love this.

and honestly, just the first sentence about moving beyond our delusions -
that in itself makes me gasp.

when i read stuff like this i get really excited.
i feel like they understand what i want to do and are helping me figure it out.
they're guiding me and encouraging me.
that is such a good good feeling.

somewhere in there they mentioned that there's no finish line,
that the deeper we go, the deeper we go.

i like that too.

it's a cool little tidbit to take into a new week.....

hoppin' in

funny how silly fun things can turn into such helpful things.

years ago i had started 'mustache mondays' on facebook as a fun way
to start the week. pop a mustache on your profile picture and start
the week off with a smile.

wayyyyy too many mustaches later i recently changed mustache monday
to 'gratitude is magic' monday. i post a picture of something i'm grateful
for as my profile picture every monday.  people can hop on in and shout
out about things they're grateful for. it's a good start to the week.

well, little did i know when i started doing this that it would lead me
into keeping my eyes extra open for things i'm grateful for!
'what will i take a picture of for monday?' i wonder and i watch and look for just the right thing.

who knew that instead of it just being a quick post on monday,
it helps me look for the gratitude every day!
and it inspires me so much to see what other people are grateful for!

then a few weeks back, a friend of mine and i were having quiet weekends.
we suggested that we each make some time over our weekends just for ourselves.
time to do something nurturing or gentle, or just what we need at the moment.
and then we were to report back on monday to each other.

it's the reporting back that's the ticket.
it helps you keep it in mind and actually do it!
we enjoyed it so much the first week, we've invited others to join in.
i just posted about it on the bone sigh arts facebook page.
and the fun part of this is you get good ideas from what other people are doing!

both of these are monday games.
both a great way to start the week.
both were just something i randomly hopped into.
both are something that are affecting me more than i had figured.

so i sit here and wonder -
how many things that we randomly hop into affect us more than we figured on -
in good ways and bad - and how much are we paying attention to what we're
hopping in on?

thinking

objectifying women.
objectifying men.
objectifying the 'other.'

all topics that have come flying into my face over the last few days.

i turned on the news for a few short minutes as i ran up to the grocery store today.
i slumped in my seat before i got outta the car.
wished i hadn't turned it on.

seen articles, seen vids, and had conversations i wish i hadn't lately.

a few thoughts whisper out at me tho -

see, terri.
look, see and know what's there.
try to look beyond the ugliness and look for understanding.
try to get beyond your emotions and see the big picture.

that's an unusual way for me to work.
something i'm just starting to learn.
something one of my sons excels at.

i sat and talked with him about it last nite.
how his voice is in my head a lot and i'm trying to look at things broader like he does.
trying to get out of myself more and understand more.

it doesn't come easy for me.
it doesn't come natural.

and i feel like it's so hard right now it's exhausting.

but i think it's so darn necessary for me.

the world won't change until we do.
i wonder how often we really understand that.

off to mow and mow and mow and think about all this......

tickled

i was waiting for my small business counselor to arrive for our meeting.
i had brought a book.
it's one of my all time favorite books - 'personality types'
if you haven't heard of the enneagram, you might be interested.

the idea is we all have certain personalities that can be divided up into numbers.
there's subsets in the numbers and that kinda thing -
and i think the idea is that you grow strong in one of these personality types,
and then you integrate to another number.

i'm not exactly sure about the whole integrating part, cause i always found myself
under one number and never got to any changing - i was always described pretty
darn accurately right there.

it covers the whole range from unhealthy to really healthy of each personality.
it covers where you go when you're under stress....that kinda thing.

i love this book and pull it out sometimes when i'm trying to understand myself or someone else.
i had it out recently,i had been trying to understand someone else, had finished reading the part
i wanted, and hadn't put it away yet. so i grabbed it on my way out the door.

so there we were.
me and the book.

so i browsed to my personality and got curious about the part where you start changing
to the next number.

certainly not the first time i've ever looked at that part.
but absolutely the first time it sounded familiar!
i understood what they were talking about and i knew that i had stepped foot into it!

now, again, because my personality darts all over the book, i have not sat still long
enough to know about the changing from one number to another. i'm assuming the change
takes years to complete.

but i tell ya, when i started reading that part and understood it for the first time,
i got so darn excited!

i want to grow and change and learn and grow and change and learn and grow and change....

and somehow bumping into that today was like hearing a little whisper in my ear -
'keep goin' girl - keep goin' - you're doin' it!'

i haven't stopped smiling about it since!

sigh

i saw something today that made me stop, cry, and walk away from my computer.

someone i know who posts loving things on my facebook wall
posted a vid on someone else's wall of a man shooting off rockets or some kinda killing stuff
and then that very man got hit and blown up. it was a real life thing.

he and all the people he shared it with were pleased he was killed.

i was stunned.

it was one of those weird facebook things where it wasn't something i would
normally see, but because of the way facebook works, there it was in my home feed.

i read the comments with such sadness.
and i walked away.

i thought about how complicated we are.

the man who posted it is a good man.
he has a good heart.
and yet at that moment he horrified me.

i have been thinking a lot about how we don't listen to each other.
how we don't see each other.
how we don't try to open up to each other's worlds.

that came to mind.
because all i wanted to do was close the door on this.
close the door on these people.

but what was so helpful was i knew he was a good guy.
and i knew just writing off all the people who had left ugly comments as haters
was way too shallow.

and yeah, they were hating on someone who was killing others.
that's something i can understand.
i know that feeling.

what an interesting circle right there in front of me.

for me one of the most significant bone sighs i've ever written was
'strength lies in the opening of the heart.'

it constantly amazes me how hard it is to honestly and truly open.
now i think such a part of that difficulty comes in the trying to
honestly and sincerely see each other and listen to each other.

when i stopped and tried to listen and see what i had heard
it was such pain in so many directions that it was too much to hold.
from the vid, to the posting to the comments.

such pain.

all i could come up with to do was to not add one more drop to it.

i find that something huge to think about today.

layers

some things on this journey have so many layers to them that it boggles my mind.

there was something in my life that i gave a whole ton of myself to.
when i look back at that time, and what is now,
i feel like it was a bust. totally failed.
sadness is the main emotion that fills me.

would i do it again if given the chance?
i want to shout out 'no way on earth!'
but deep down i know, i would have to.
cause sometimes you just gotta do something because it's the right thing to do.
even if the results won't get ya what you hope.

that's kinda cool to realize.
why? why does it work that way?
maybe because ultimately it all really is about our own selves.
maybe while it seemed to me i was doing what i was doing to be loving
towards someone else, i was doing it because i couldn't live with myself
if i didn't. i was doing what i had to do to honor who i was. i was doing
what i had to do to live with myself.

so that can't be failing.
rising to a call you must answer.
even if the results won't make you happy. and you know there's a good chance of
that - but you know you have to give your whole heart to hoping anyway.
that's actually quite cool.

and then that thing that i see as a failure truly taught me sooooooo much.
lessons that i've carried into many other experiences.
practical lessons i can use again and again.

hmmm....it's really looking like it can't be a total failure, can it?

and then, here's a layer i don't usually think about -
having lived thru it, sweated thru it, cried thru it, i gained a knowledge of
that experience that i couldn't have had any other way.
and i gained some tiny pieces of wisdom thru that actual experiencing that i did.

i don't think wisdom comes easily.
and i've only been introduced to tiny tiny little pieces.
and no, none of those tiny pieces came easily.
and i know they're nuggets to value for sure.

and then the final one is almost beyond words.
somehow i share a depth of love with someone that i could never have had without this.
i didn't even realize that til recently. and when i felt that and understood that,
gratitude filled me.
deep levels of love don't just happen do they?
journeys bring you there.

looking at all this makes me wonder how on earth i could have ever figured
this was all a failure, a bust, something to just fill me with sadness.

some things on this journey have so many layers to them that it boggles my mind.

sharin'!

just saw this on facebook.......
totally wanted to share it here!

you don't have to try so hard -
check this out!

smiling

as i was filling an order, i  looked up at an art piece i had made -
and i read the quote  on it -

'he asks nothing from her.
has no expectations of her.
humbly handing her wisdom masked in his questions
he allows her growth -
and she grows.'

i smiled.
i wrote that about my fiance before we even started dating.
it's been years and years and years....
and it still holds true.

i thought about how lucky i was.
we have something really special.

my mind wandered and i started thinking of one of my sons.
he's headin' outta town today, and i was thinking of him on his trip.

i pictured how he is when he's out and about.
he's truly an amazing guy.
and the more i thought about it, the more i thought about how lucky
the world was to have him in it.

i stood there smiling.

i've got some incredible men in my life.

i thought about all the work that's been involved in making these
relationships what they are.

um......lots.
and lots.

i had just watched a TED talk where the guy was asking a buncha questions
to see if you were human. it's kinda a cool questionnaire where he takes
stupid funny questions and mixes them with things that touch you.

one of the questions was if you ever thought that working on an issue between you
and someone else was futile cause it should just be easier than this or this
is supposed to happen just naturally?

oh gosh, yes, huh?

the next question was 'have you ever realized very little in life happens just naturally?'

that really hit home.

so i stood there thinking of my guys, thinking of our journeys, and feelin' way way lucky......
and yeah, like we've worked our tails off for something way way good.

it's a good way to head into the weekend -


click here for the ted talk

the arms of the sky

it has been an unusual week around here.

i woke up sick on monday.
cried a lot as i had plans i was really looking forward to that i knew i'd miss.
i was sorely disappointed.

tuesday i pulled it together, and worked and napped and worked and napped.

wednesday i worked a bit more, didn't nap, but rested. and plugged away on things.

today still finds me slow.

but each day is better.

i've been about as isolated as i've ever been.
been stayin' away from my family as i didn't want to infect them.
a few visits thru the window and a few quick chats on the phone.
but mostly all on my own.

while i enjoy time on my own, this has been the quietest i've ever been, i think.

and i'm starting to wonder if i'm goin' a little bit soft in the head,
or if i've finally stepped into it - stepped into the quiet.

i fought it a lot at first.
but not today.

i was packing an order listening to a song.
and she sang about being in the 'arms of the ocean' -
it made me pause.
cause i was beginning to feel like i was in the arms of the sky.
i was beginning to feel something with all the quiet around m.

it's not really something you can talk about, ya know?
how you doin' terri?
oh much better today - been feelin' like i'm in the arms of the sky today.

doesn't really work, ya know?
but it works in music.
you can say stuff like that in songs.
and as i listened, i tried to open to the feeling.

i looked out the window at the clouds movin' across the sky.
felt like i was part of it.
felt really awesome.

then i goofed up on something small.
something that didn't matter.
and i cried.

okay.
so i don't have my full strength back yet.
and yeah, i'm prolly a little soft in the head.
and it's taken me half the week to stop fighting life.
but in between it all, i remembered- i can rest in the arms of the sky.

and that feels good.......

josh and his latest project

josh is at it again!
and he's inviting us to join in.

for those of you who don't know josh, he's my oldest son.
he's got the energy of 50 of us and always out and about meeting new people.
there's forever a crazy story!

he's looking to make a music vid with the world.
want to join him?
come check it out!

i'll be part of it too........cause i mean, really? who could resist?!

a grand idea......

i had a grand idea last week.
and the more i think about it, the more i like it.

anyone who has kids - no matter what age - knows that they know a whole lotta
stuff that you don't! they're just operating in a different planet or something.
i have the advantage of having three sons - so just the fact that they're male means
they bring a lot of things to me i never thought about. then the fact that they're
young entrepreneurs adds all kindsa extra things. throw in the music i never heard of,
the people i've never heard of, the ideas i've never thought of - and there's a whole
whole whole lot for me to learn.

i was thinking the other day of all the things i've learned from my sons and my guy.
they have taught me a ton. an absolute ton. and they have made my life so much richer.

and as i thought of this, i realized every single person i know/meet can do this as well.

so, while i think i would bog myself down a bit if i tried this on everyone -
i think i want to try this a lot -

trying to learn something or find out about something i don't know of from others.
even if it's just their latest favorite song! or food. or what's resonating with them
right then. and then go and listen or taste or think about whatever it is that they shared.

can you imagine how much this would add to our worlds?!

i thought of the day when i have grandkids. (ohmygosh)
and how they'd know a whole different world.
and how i could tell them every time they come over i want to hear about what
is the latest going on that i didn't know about.

how COOL would that be?!

there is SO much out there. and there is so much i haven't even heard of.
what a wonderful way to learn - from those i meet and those i know.......

thinking this could be a lotta fun........

thinking

i've been doin' a lotta thinking today.

i was pretty bummed when i realized a decision i made a few days ago
made me lose something that mattered a lot to me.

in the long run, it's all fine, and there's no great harm done.
it's not a big dramatic thing.
but in the short run, it's a big disappointment to me.

and i cried.
a lot.

enough that i knew there was more to it than just the disappointment that i was feeling.
there was something else goin' on with all these tears.

and i realized that i was really upset with myself for giving something away that really
mattered to me.

i thought i was beyond that.
i lived a lifetime of that kinda thing.
and i thought i had stopped.

ahem.
apparently not completely.

so i thought about it.
and while i'm not thrilled with what i did,
i am grateful for what i can see.

i have mostly stopped giving myself away.
but i gotta tell ya, it's never with an easy feeling that i say no or don't do something
that someone wants. there's always a fair amount of not good feeling inside of me.
because i don't want to hurt someone or make someone think something i'm not intending.

so i struggle with it, even tho i know it's the right thing to do i'll still feel bad for possibly
having hurt someone.

but now......
i think i'm gonna be able to go back to this example and remember next time i need
to make a choice when i deep down know which choice is right but feel a lot of pressure.
i want to remember this and trust myself.
and i want to remember that this feeling of giving something that matters away
is worse than feelin' like you might let someone down by doin' what you really want to do.

and i want to remember that if my intentions are not understood,that's not entirely
on my shoulders. everyone involved has to see and hear each other.
it's my job to state clearly what i need and want.
it's not  my job to try to make everyone happy.
and that i don't have to prove that i care about people.
i have to make the best decisions i can for my own self.
and know that in the end, that matters all across the board.

i want to remember that.
and i'm thinking at least for a good long time, this thing today will help me do that.

a nugget.....

this isn't my thought.
i read it in a book.
just got up to find the book -
and i can't find it anywhere.

almost positive i got it from the book called 'the language of emotions' by karla mclaren.

it's a thought i've now said out loud enough and used enough that i figure
i should share here.

it's basic.
it's one of those where you kinda nod and wonder why you haven't really
thought of that before -

it's this -

your emotions are tryin' to tell you something.

okay. maybe you've had that thought before.
but the way she said it (which i couldn't tell you now as i can't find the book)
really grabbed me in a new way.

and since reading that i've stopped and listened to my feelings more than i would have before.

i was just talking to someone who was blue about something goin' on with her
relationship. i told her about this thought and asked 'can you see what it is your
feelings are tyring to get you to notice?'

this thought seemed to help her too.

i think i get caught up in the feeling, or wanting to get out of the feeling,
or allowing myself the feeling - that kinda thing.

but asking myself  'what is the feeling trying to tell me? is it asking me to notice something?
change something? what?' has been completely new for me.

and i like it.
it's not only helpful and eye opening,
it's validating and accepting of yourself.
it's trusting your emotions - not wishing they'd go away.
it's respecting them and stopping and asking them what they want you to know.

it's an entirely respectful way to treat yourself -
and at the same time, it helps you deal with whatever's goin' on.

pretty awesome, huh?
figured i should share that gem.
thanking the author for touchin' my life in this way!

heart centered.

i was pretty intent yesterday.
tryin' hard to focus on being authentic.
and what happened was pretty darn awesome.

i didn't know how i did that exactly, ya know?
never really watched the process of my own being authentic.
i just figured that i'd kinda pay attention to what i said and did.
that kinda thing.

but what happened was i kept going to my heart.
i don't exactly know how to articulate this so it makes sense to people
who work differently. i think the people who work this way will get it,
and i may frustrate those who don't - but i'll do my best here.

i would go and feel my heart.
i mean really feel it.
still myself until i felt it there.

i can't feel it when it's closed.
all i feel are walls then.
there's a scary numbness when i close up.

but when it's open, i can feel something.
and when i feel something, i know i'm on the right track.
so if i was gonna feel, i had to open.
this turned out to be just what i needed.

it was like i would constantly go to that starting point.
what did my heart feel?
not on the top layer.
cause that can get confusing.
but way down underneath.
cause way down underneath is where the love is.
way down underneath is the part that gives you the feeling you know can trust.

i walked around concentrating on my heart so much so that i could feel
it opening more and more as i went along.

recall (see blog below) i didn't start from the best place.
but the more i just quieted myself and felt it and listened,
the easier and easier it was to hear it and follow it.

it was like the more i listened to it, the louder it talked.

i realized i was turning my day into this whole 'heart centered' thang.
and it felt so healing to me.
i had been plagued by fear and self doubt.
and this returning over and over to the starting point of my heart seemed
to just completely change my focus.
there wasn't room for the other stuff.

and i could feel myself just calm down and be.

i'm thinking i need to do this more often.

tryin' yet again...

thankfully, i don't have them very often,
but for some reason, i had 'one of those nites' last nite.
oh gosh, you know the ones -
where self doubt comes and snuggles right on in with you.
and no matter how much you toss and turn, she just hangs on and torments you.

sigh.

so i woke up heavy.
gosh.
oh so heavy.

and i have been anything but a barrel of fun.

so i sat myself down and said 'okay, what the heck you gonna do now, girl?'

and for some unknown reason i got the idea to dive deeper into my authenticity.

i have loved the word 'authentic' for a long time now.
altho, it's gotten tarnished a bit as it's overused by a whole lot of inauthentic people.
that's a bit of a turn off.
but when i see the real deal - someone just truly offering who they are because
that's what they have to offer - i love that. and i feel like that's really what we all need to be doing.

the self doubts i had covered all parts of my life - business and personal.
and the whole being authentic seems to work everywhere i aim it.

i like to think i mostly am.
i mean, that's not a new concept for me and one i've been working on.

but you know how it goes,
there's a million gazillion layers.
and we can always be traveling deeper.

i think that's what i'm being called to do right now.
or at least, it feels like an answer to my self doubting.

so i'm gonna go for it.
not sure what all that means.
just know it's on my mind, in my heart, and i'm ready to step into it all even more.

offering who we are.
over and over and over again.
for no other reason but to open our hearts.
wow.
it's no easy task, is it?
but i honestly don't think there's any other option.
and i notice as i focus on this, the self doubts do seem to be slipping away.
go figure.

with great admiration and respect...

someone posted an awesome awesome quote from abraham joshua heschel
on facebook yesterday.

ready?

'Our goal should be to live life in radical amazement, to get up in the morning
and look at the world in a way that takes nothing for granted. Everything is
phenomenal;everything is incredible; never treat life casually. To be spiritual
is to be amazed.'

i just now looked him up on wikipedia.
there's a lot there - but prolly the most eye popping thing is that his
sister was killed in a german bombing, his mother was murdered by the nazis
and two sisters died in the concentration camps.

wow.

and yet this man said what he said.

i was going to go on about some amazing thing that i delighted in today.
and i can't.

i think now what i'd like to share is that the man knew this incredible
deep, bone shattering loss and said what he did.

i thought it was a knock you off your chair quote BEFORE i knew that.
and now.....all i can do is bow my head in the deepest deepest respect.

had to share........

a few website things...

there's a couple of things over on the website i wanted to point out.

on the home page is a brief write up of how the print 'her white tree' came to be.
i feel like it's a great reminder to anyone feeling a bit discouraged -
if you feel like it, come on by and check it out.

and then!
every month we 'spotlight' someone wonderful.
and this month we have les.
les is someone i know mostly thru facebook.
he reminds me of the magic of the internet.
he's definitely someone i'd like to share.
so come on by and check out les as well!

happy fourth!

you wouldn't think it'd be that hard to see the fireworks for the fourth of july.
but for awhile now, i've had trouble REALLY seeing them.
i like to be right under them, and feel that BOOM inside me and just get
lost in them. and well.....i haven't had that in a long time.

this year i decided to try early and if they fell thru, then i could try again.
so we aimed for a ballgame and some fireworks last nite.

i thought for sure it was all gonna get rained out.
it rained as we drove to the game.
the clouds were ominous.
but the game happened.
and then just as it ended and it was time for the fireworks -
the raindrops began.
just little ones.
but i thought 'oh nooooooo it couldn't be.........'

and thankfully, the fireworks happened and the rain just
splashed down a tiny bit as the BOOMS kept goin'.
it was actually kinda perfect to have those little drops
splashing my face.

and there right above me, with the sounds shaking my insides,
color and stars and light and energy whizzed all over the sky.

there was a new kind this year that i had never seen before -
a kind that actually turned into stars.
i mean, they really really looked like stars.
all over the darn place.
stars.
stars.
and more stars.

i thought of the stars inside me and how i wanted to remember
all that i was seeing was happening inside of me too with my own
personal stars whizzing about.
i saw how brilliant light is and how i need to keep light alive inside of me.
i laughed, i clapped, i slapped people around me when i was really
excited, and i gasped. i gasped. and gasped. and gasped.
i was holding someone who had passed away in my heart.
it was her birthday that same day.
and there, towards the end, was this huge bouquet of fireworks -
and mixed in the bunch were yellow bursts that were her.
if there could be any firework that symbolized her,
they were right there above me zinging me with their beauty.
i cried a little, filled up a whole lot, and felt like i had just
been showered with something magnificent.

too overwhelmed to speak, i let the rest of the gang chat as
we went back to the car. i just looked at the smoke filled sky
and felt my whole body vibrating with the beauty of what i had
just seen.

i had forgotten just HOW MUCH i like fireworks.
and how much i need reminders like that.
reminders of beauty, light, energy, and yeah......i gotta say......even god.

i'm not sure how many people watch fireworks and feel like they
just had a holy experience. but i'm pretty glad for this feeling.
i'm still carrying it around inside of me.

and wishin' everyone a star filled fourth......

the flip side of things

something i say enough that i started to notice is -
'on the flip side of that...'

i heard it the other day when i was talking about something
that was pretty much a drag. just not great news. but still i said -
'yeah, but on the flip side of that...'

and it's then that  i really kinda heard it.
and i thought 'ya know, that's a good way to look at things.'

well......a good way to look at the things that are a drag.
prolly not a good way to look at the good things.
don't need to find the bad. it has a way of finding us all on its own.

so we'll stick with the things that are a drag.
and the things that are a major big time drag.
we all know the parts that make it a drag.
those are obvious and hard.
but what's the good stuff that goes with it?
is there a flip side that carries some good news?

and yeah, i know there are times it's just best to keep quiet about
that for awhile. no one wants a cheerleader on the side lines all the time.

but when the time is right, it's a good thing to point out.
and it's a good thing to find within yourself.

what's the flip side for me here?
i honestly like the question.

and i want to incorporate it more into my life.
so thought i'd share......

the jellybean stuff......

i'm figurin' when i first saw this, i prolly posted it here.
don't know.
can't remember.

all i know is it made a really big impression on me.
comes into my thinking a lot,
and has been on my mind extra lately.

it's our life and the time we have illustrated in jellybeans.

you can view it here.

now when something comes up that i'm not sure about whether
i want to participate in or not, i put it in jellybean terms.

what's so cool is that i'll think of something this way,
and if it's something i really shouldn't be wasting my time on,
i will immediately get the thought  'nope. can't have my jellybean.'
that runs thru my head, and i know that i need to choose something else.

it's the jellybean test!
and i swear, it really really helps.

since i used it again very recently,
i figured it was a good thing to share.
jellybean anyone?

weights, light and stuff

a friend of mine said something so cool.
he was talking about seeing something and saying how that was freeing his mind up
a bit to be lighter. he said the darkness was still there, but the weight was a little lighter.

i loved that.
i really really loved that.

cause it occurs to me that it's really the weight we get to work with.
i'm not sure how the darkness stuff works.
sometimes we go thru periods of darkness and they lighten....
but sometimes we carry darkness inside us.
and i'm not sure that ever leaves.
i don't know.

but i know how we react to it, how we carry it, when we carry it,
when we put it down or pick it up again....all that stuff seems like stuff
we can work with. and the fact that his weight got a little bit lighter
made me smile really big.

and it got a little bit lighter by his seeing stuff inside him.

i love that.

it's so helpful to see someone else with their stuff.