some relationship stuff i'm learning....

somewhere in the course of the conversation, i talked of something i had learned
in my relationship with my guy.

after i hung up, i realized just how important a lesson it is to get.
and i've been thinking about it ever since.

when i get hurt, i try to see what's going on and make sense of it.

and somewhere along the line, i figured out that's a total control thing.
it's not the helpful healing thing i think it is.

if i can make sense of it, it's something that won't hurt as bad, i can keep it from
happening again, and probably a bunch of other kinda controls.

anyway, i go into my head and get real logical and try to figure it out.
both sides.
his as well as mine.

i think this can be a good thing to start with. i think it has its place.
but only as a thing to say 'wait, there's more going on here than it feels like,
and there's more to understand.'

i think that's beautifully helpful.

it's when i start filling in the blanks all by myself that this turns from beautiful
into controlling.

and i didn't know this.
i thought it was way good. i thought it's what i should be doing. i thought it was
helpful.

it took a few times of my guy telling me he hates it when i do that for me to
understand what he was saying.

when i do that, i leave him out of the equation.

my mouth probably fell open the first time he even hinted at that thought.
what????
i'm doing my best to include him in!

but he's right.
i turn away from being a team into being the one with the answers.
and that surely keeps me from hearing him and seeing him.

which, if wasn't so awful, would be funny.

because my big big big button is not feeling seen.
i kinda think that's most people's big button. we can put a million different spins
on that theme, but they all seem to boil down to the same kinda thing.

if i don't feel seen, it really really bothers me.

and here i was, assuming i knew the answers for my guy.
assuming i knew why he did what.
wow.
that's a pretty arrogant assumption.

'but i do know some of his stuff - a good part of his stuff!' i would say in my
head if i was reading this blog a few years ago. 'i can still figure stuff out in my
head and be helpful....'

it did take me awhile to really understand his point.
which is odd because now it seems like such a straightforward point.

when i try to control things like that, and mask them in something that seems
helpful i make it really cloudy for me to figure out what's going on. but it's
pretty basic........i turn away from being a team and turn just to myself.

any time i turn away from being a team when it involves both of us,
i'm saying i have the answers for both of us.

and that's never okay.

what it does is stop me from asking him what's really going on inside of him.
it stops me from listening to him. it stops me from seeing him. all the while
convincing me that that is exactly what i am doing......seeing him. it's tricky
icky stuff.

as i was telling my friend this, i stopped and said something like 'you're not
done when you go and ask what was going on for them because then you
have to listen to what they say!'

listening.
really really listening.

seriously, when something big's going on, i have to remind myself over and over again -
'just listen, terri. just hear him.'

and gosh that's hard to turn off the voices and hear.
to really listen.

i think that's why i love all those beautiful quotes about listening.
we honestly don't do it enough.
or at least i don't.

but i'm learning how to more and more.
and it's changed things for the better between my guy and i.

thinking about it, it would have to.
you're hurt. you go to your partner and say 'i'm hurt, this is why.
this is what i see. what is it you think? what is it you see?'

how can that not change things?
think of all the things you are saying there....all the things you are backing up
with your actions -

things like 'i know you didn't mean it, so let's straighten it out so it doesn't
feel like this' .......'i want your input because that's what the whole point is
in the first place.'........'i trust you.'.........'i love you.'.....'i want your help.'

or if you're really shaky and you just don't know you're still saying important
things like -  'i'm really really scared you aren't seeing me here and it's
freaking me out. help me to understand where you are.'......'this hurt so bad
and i know you're a good good person so we need to figure out what's goin'
on together.'......stuff like that.

i think when those messages come out from our actions, they can't help
but change things for the better.

and in learning to listen to what the other is saying we see them all the more.

for me, every single time i really listen i'm reminded of how much more there is
to learn about my partner. i'm stunned by that. and i wonder if a lifetime really
is enough time to get to  know this man.

a really cool visit

we were there to meet up with one of josh's friends and his family.
two brothers and their mom were gonna meet up with these three
brothers and this mom.

i hadn't seen josh's friend in years and was just commenting on how
i'm not sure i'd even recognize him when i saw him get up from the
table in the back and i grinned. i recognized him right away.

i knew it was gonna be good the minute they all got up and headed our
way to give us hugs.

there we stood, right in the middle of everything hugging each other.

i have to remember that -
i would have waited back at the table to give some hugs....
and i tell ya, this walking right up to us made all the difference in the world.

they had picked just the right table and we gathered around it.
five young men and their mamas.

i loved every single one of them instantly.

it had been a long rough week.

to be sitting around this table with this positive energy zinging all
around it felt so darn good. i sat there and soaked it in.

i don't remember ever sitting with such a tight knit family before.
the love between them was so darn gorgeous. the brothers were
going to start working together. one is already well on his way with
his career and he's now going to include his younger brother right on in.

the younger brother adored the older brother. that was obvious.
the older brother put his arm around the younger brother at one point.
and the love between them just lit up the place.

the mom was telling me about something one of the guys did that was
just incredible. 'it's not because i'm his mom, i'm saying this.' she said.
and i laughed. she sounded like me.

there was sharing and laughing and a whole whole lot of technical talk.
and thru it all i felt nothing but kindness, love, support, caring, interest,
and goodness.

i honestly don't think i've ever experienced a visit like that before.
i've sat around plenty of tables where there was good energy.
but i don't think i've ever experienced a time where the dynamics were
so similar.

it was one of the most beautiful reminders i've ever had of what a gift
my family is to me. and how incredibly healing that loving energy is
to be around.

it's that gratitude that i'm holding on to this morning and treasuring......

a new bone sigh

just?

'just show up' they had said.

just show up and be.

you don't have to fix it.

you don't have to judge it.

just show up and be.

that sounded even harder than trying to fix it or judge it.

and she knew they were right.

she could see life waving her in.

taking a deep breath, she set the rest down,

took off her shoes, and walked on over.

laughter and inspiration to face the day!

okay...it's been a long week.
a loooooooong week.

enough of the sad stuff.
enough of the heavy stuff.

i needed a laugh this morning.

so this is my end of the week laugh for us all.

check it out!

it makes me laugh and reminds me.........
anything is possible!

and then once you've been reminded that anything is possible
and you turn to face your day.....
how about a shot of the ever inspiring glen??
this gets me moving every single time!


check him out as well!

pulled under......

so it feels really like one of the strangest things...
and it has me in a bit of awe.....

i want to try to describe it.
to be clear, i haven't ever processed anything quite like this before.
and i'm really really wondering about that.
is it because somehow now i can?
and i'm really not sure if i ever want to process anything like this again.
'intense' doesn't even seem to begin to describe it.

apparently, it was time i looked at something deep inside of me.
but i didn't know that, ya know?
something happened that upset me.
i felt anger and frustration.
and then when i woke up in the morning i felt fear.
lots and lots of fear.
and i was pretty sure i had really only one choice -
to get away from the situation.
which would change my life significantly.

after talking to two of the people i trust most,
and both saying it wasn't what i was thinking and i needed to look deeper,
i heard them.

stop.
right there.

i think it was in the hearing.
and then accepting the truth of it.

right there seemed to be when things started happening.

i feel like if anything opened a door to what happened, that was it.

i've blogged about bits of that part.
about how i found quotes, and people's writings and thoughts that seemed
to be aimed straight at me. how i felt this 'opening' in the universe and
understood it was time. it was time to look.

all this happened after i 'heard.'

then there was treadmill therapy.
something really really deep came up as i was on the treadmill.
i didn't know how to hold it.
every time i came near it, i couldn't control my crying.

self forgiveness.

i had to find self forgiveness.
and i had no clue how to find it.


fear filled me.
i had no no no no no idea how to heal it, if it would ever heal,
or how to live with it.

this went on and on.

i would get such intense fear.
and then.......just as suddenly, it would leave.
and i would be calm and think 'it's okay. this is the journey.
you can face what you have to face.' and i'd go back to work.

the fear and the calm circling around and around in me.

the fear would come back.
deep. intense.
every cell in me screamed 'run.'
'go.'
'just go.'
'you won't find it.'

i wanted to shut doors and hide and either deal with it all on my own
or just never ever deal with it.

no. that's not right.
the FEAR wanted me to do that.
i didn't want to do that.
and somehow i knew the difference.

and i'd fight it.
those fights were like wrestling with a lion.
i swear those were just intense deep fights.

i began to think that i'd need to do some kinda special work that i didn't
know about. you know. learn something to do to address this. find the key
to the whole thing.

but then the calm would come.

finally, i turned on some music.
it's an album that i think is very odd.
and i like it very much.
one time while doing art, i had it on and i felt like i had listened to a long long prayer.

i immediately thought of that music and put that on.
i pulled out my watercolors and i started on some art.

i just sat and created and opened to the music.
and i could feel the prayer around me........and i could feel the prayer in me.
and i sat and tried to do nothing but be.
just be and watch and feel.

softness came.
for the first time in days i felt softness.

different angles of looking at things came.
but they didn't come in as 'maybe if you stand over here and look, you'll
see this different.'

that's effort and trying.

it wasn't effort and trying.
it was just there.
and i didn't plunge in and grab it.
i just saw it floating there and i felt it.
and i liked it.

a song came on that i never had gotten into before.
and then i realized she was singing straight at me.
the whole album feels like it's all about love and living love and being love
and struggling with love.

not the romantic kind.......the living it kind.

at some point i realized i was in a process.
i realized real clearly that there were some big big weights inside of me
and that the process was shifting them.

and i trusted it completely.

and i realized i was really really tired.
but i wasn't afraid anymore.

i could feel it.
the fear had left.
i mean, really left.

it truly was like being pulled under water.
thrashing and trying to get away.
the panic.
the total fear.
and then........being under.......really under..........
and being okay with it.
and having the fear leave.
just having the fear leave and seeing what was around you.

and then i quit for the evening.
knowing i'd be okay, i was in a process, and it was working.
and there wasn't anything else i needed to do right then.

i thought of the bone sigh i wrote the day before -

"it wasn't about pulling her under and drowning her.
no.
it was about pulling her under to see.
to understand the depths and reach beyond.
overwhelmed, yet trusting the pulling,
her tears added to the waters.
she went under and opened her eyes."

and i feel like that is exactly what is going on right now.
in one of the most amazing ways i have ever experienced.....

sharing

i read this last nite and it was like someone threw a big ol' bucket
of relief over me.......

'Make no mistake, forgiveness and affirmation are not the same thing.
Affirmation is a way to avoid looking at evil. It is saying, 'Well yes,
my stepfather molested me as a child, but that was just his human failing,
part of his being damaged in childhood.' Forgiveness on the other hand
requires facing evil squarely. It is saying to your stepfather: "What you did
was wrong, despite your reasons for it. You committed a crime against me.
And I know that, but I still forgive you.

    That is not easy by any stretch of the imagination. Real forgiveness is
a tough, tough process, but it is an absolutely necessary one for your mental
health.'

that's by m. scott peck........

treadmill therapy

okay, this is weird.
it's gonna look like an ad for a tarot reading place.
IT'S NOT!! i don't know that place at all and don't recommend it, okay??
it's just the best youtube thing i could find with the song i'm about to talk about.
jeesh. so close your eyes if you go listen to the song......don't distract yourself
with reading the tarot ad, okay??? it just sounded the best and i wanted to share
the song........it's so silly that's the best i could find...but what the heck.....

now the story......

treadmill therapy.
i HIGHLY recommend it.

in the post below i talked of figuring out i needed to forgive someone(s) and
also myself. i got on the treadmill to give that some thought.

 well i wasn't 15 minutes into it all when i truly had to stop myself from just weeping.

i saw it was me i needed to forgive.

it was so so me.

i've witnessed abuse and wasn't able to stop it and i wasn't able to help
and i wasn't able to fix everything to make it better. the results are haunting me.

and as i touched into those feelings, the depth of despair over that just poured out of me.

i saw it and didn't know how i'd stay on the treadmill.
i stayed on and then tried to just accept my feelings.
as i was working thru all this a song came on.

..........the tarot reading ad song i'm gonna share with you here.
it's a song i've mentioned before. melissa etheridge's song 'giant.'........

and i swear this whole big transformation started happening inside of me.

this song has always been powerful for me. i've always thought of it as my calling all
of my different parts of myself together to face a threat and stand up to it.

today the threat of the song in my mind was abuse and evil personified.
that was what was trying to hold me down - the horrid parts of life...
the abuse i can't stop......the things i can't fix. and it so has been holding me down.

and in the song she sings out so strong that she's a giant and will not be kept down.
and i started singing to the horrid parts of life.....i ran and i sang and i cried and
i felt it so deep inside of me. i will not let it keep me down.

i replayed the song. i wasn't done yet. i needed it again.

and then i thought of the colorado shootings........and the horrid parts of life
that i had personified for the song grew to include so much evil....the evil and darkness of life.....
and the person singing the song turned into me and you and all of us with light
inside shouting back that we won't let this keep our light down.

and all this incredible sadness and sorrow inside of me turned into determination
and strength.......it was such an amazing powerful moment. i have no idea how
to convey the depths of it.

i found a vid of her singing it which had great quality, but it didn't include the whole song...
so it's gotta be the tarot ad!! if you have the time, sit back and listen, think of standing
up to the darkness of the world and shining your light and taking your power back. i feel
like i really needed to do that. we're all giants. and together with our light....it's something
to behold!


here's the song and unfortunately the ad (just close your eyes)

a heck of a lotta sighs

you know how they say you want friends who will be straight with you
and honest with you and tell you when you need to look at something?
sigh.

i've got those kinda friends.
sigh.
sigh.
sigh.

they never tell ya havin' those kinda friends is gonna be easy, do they???

and i'm laughing.
and shaking my head.
and ever so grateful for them.

i had something weighing so very heavy on me.
and so i called the person i call for those moments.
and she listened and soothed and heard and cared
and then told me there was something really really deep inside of me
that i needed to work with and see.

i squeaked out a little 'are you sure?'
and i asked her with all my heart - 'don't you think it could just be.....'
and i filled in what i thought was the problem.

she was firm.
nope.

sigh.

i heard her.
i trusted her.
and i told her i had no clue what that could be.
did she have any idea?
she didn't but was going to think on it for me.

later that evening i told the other person i tell these things to.
and he listened and heard and soothed and said it was something
really really deep inside of me.

darn.
there it is again.

like a little kid, i tried it again - 'don't you think it could just be....'

nope. he didn't.

one heck of a huge sigh here.

hanging up, i knew they were right. and i wasn't at all confident i
could do whatever i needed to do.

truth is, i'm still not. i'm SO NOT confident.

i know i can work on things and get further than i am now....
but i'm not sure the thing that's weighing so heavy on me will change.
and i'm not sure how i'll choose to live with it - or without it.

i have no idea. and that weighs hard.
but since i'm the only thing i can actually change, i guess i have some
work to do. a whole heck of a lotta work. and it's a place to start.

here's the thing tho - as soon as i understood that in my heart,
i ran into quotes and thoughts that were talking DIRECTLY at me.
they were around earlier that day. i could have run into them all earlier.
but i didn't. and i sat there and read this stuff and was kinda amazed.
honest to pete, it was like the universe handed me stuff to figure out
my insides.

and i figured out that what i've got to do is forgive someone.
i mean, i REALLY figured it out.
it wasn't just words anymore.
wasn't just a thought.
i really understood.
and that it wasn't just this other person......

i had to forgive me.
and yeah, forgive someone else too.

oh man.
a triple forgive.

oh man.

and a whole lot of it is just stuffed down so far and so deep......

an insight came bubbling up. i had never thought of before with it all.
i knew it was one of a thousand threads involved here. and i could
start to see all the threads.

have i said 'sigh' yet???

i think tho, what i'm feeling this morning is that flow thing.
that flow stuff i used to step into so easily......
there was something about it last nite.
as soon as i was ready, the stuff came that i needed to read.
stuff to help me. an insight i had never had came up. the threads
showed up. i could see them. stuff like that is hard not to notice.

i have closed my heart so tight in this area that there can't be
a flow until i open it.

and just that one little crack of opening showed me.....the flow's
right outside there waiting to be let in.

so the work ahead - forgiveness - a triple shot........
and opening the sealed up space in my heart.........

shoot.
i have no idea how i'm gonna pull this off..........
i guess i'm gonna have to want it pretty bad.

and maybe that's my first step.
making sure i want it.
and looking hard at the reasons i might not and turning myself
in the right direction.

sigh.

a light bearer for sure

i have just been so knocked out by the colorado tragedy
that i just couldn't figure out what i'd be blogging about.

that hits so deep that i just don't even know how to talk about what's
inside of me. and everything else feels so trivial.

and then.....yesterday i met someone that i love.
we've known each other for years over the internet.
but yesterday was the first time ever we met in person.

and i knew that she was something/someone i could blog about!

because to me she IS light and love.
and right now that feels way important to be talking about.

i've mentioned her here before and guided you to her blog
more than once. she's my buddy, pam.

and josh and i got to meet her yesterday!
we picked her up and whisked her off to the sights of DC.

wandering and joking and chatting i was delighted in her being
just how i pictured.

but it was when we landed at the little table and pulled out our
sandwiches to have some lunch that we hit my favorite part.
i had heard a lot of her stories over the years. but to put them
in an exact time line and keep it all straight....that i haven't been so
good at.

so i asked her for a timeline of her life.

and she sat and told josh and i her stories. tying it all together for me.

this is a woman who has seen some of life's hardest struggles.
she's seen them, lived them, and come thru them in a way that astounds me.

this moment in the art gallery catches it for me -
josh brought us in to a room that had some of his favorite paintings.
i commented that what got me about them was the 'white' in them...
how the white just glowed.

she laughed, looked at me and said 'it's not the white, it's the LIGHT.'

and my eyes got big.

yes! it is!

and that is pam.

she gravitates to the light. she knows the light. she lives the light.
and this woman came by the light the hard way.

in one of her recent blog posts she wrote the following -
"The world does break everyone, sooner or later.  What matters is not that we are broken.  What matters is whether we choose to live from our brokenness or to allow ourselves to heal and to live from the strength of our scars.  We cannot be fully alive and avoid being broken; but we cannot remain broken and claim to be truly alive."

pam is truly alive.
and she knows what matters, and where to keep the focus.
her stories she shared were full of such pain and deep deep sorrow.....and LIGHT.

and i thought about that.
and how that's the only thing right now i could really bring to this blog.

to remember the light.
and no one could be a stronger reminder for me than this woman.

it was a wonderful visit cause i got to meet someone i love.
and it was a wonderful visit cause i so needed to be reminded right now of the
light in the darkness......

today

i didn't know til early this afternoon about the movie theater shooting.

the tears ran down my face as i read it.
and the horror just filled me.

i've been sitting with it today and trying to hold some of it.

when the tragedy happened in norway, i wrote a bone sigh -
'for norway'.......

i want to post it here today and just leave it quietly this weekend
while we all try to hold what's happened.

the darkness comes.
blackness surrounds.
overwhelmed, i fall to the ground. 
and there, with my arms covering my head, 
with my tears soaking the earth, 
wanting to block everything out,
it makes its way thru the pain.
it finds me. 
the light i can't stop believing in.
the light that somehow will not die. 
finding me again,
it tells me to stand 
and let it shine thru me. 
tears still wet on my face,
i stand. 
choosing to believe,
i face the world again with light in my eyes.




praying over here....

the compass int he threads

you  know....it was just life.....just a regular day.....

but i tell ya, just thinking of some of the topics from it,
what really stands out for me are the threads....the millions of threads
that weave thru life.

there was the family photo session where we visited and looked
at the old albums. wow. talk about some stories. and there's so many
parts to each story i'll never ever know. but i can guess at a lot of 'em.
and i sit back and just kinda think how intricate life is.

there was the talking of 'stockholm syndrome' later that day.
i never even heard of it. zakk explained it to me. and i immediately thought
of patty hearst. later that day, i looked her up on google to get her story
a little bit more straight in my mind. yet another truly complicated story.

i tried to help several friends...........none of which worked......cause i tried
to step into territory that was too complicated. i watched that happen and
wasn't the least surprised that it flopped. sometimes you just can't wade into stuff.

i watched a conversation in a very complicated relationship try hard but
miss all the stuff that mattered. there are too darn many threads for them to
sort thru.

and there was so much more........i could go on and on. and it was one regular
day. just one regular day.

i've talked before of the opposites that seem to make sense to me.
how i call it the yin yangy stuff.

life is short. life is long.
that kinda thing.

those things where they're both true.
i got this from my yesterday -

life is so very very complicated.
life is so very very simple.

and that's what i'm taken with today.

i want to have the awareness to know the threads are everywhere.
to know they're covering me and everything around me.
i want to acknowledge the intricacies. and respect them.

and i want to remember not to get lost in them. not to be fooled
and think that they are what matters. to know there's something
way simpler that matters.

and i have no idea how to put that way simpler thing into words......
the only way i can think of sharing it is by summing it up by saying
that it's a way of living that's an 'honoring of myself'.....a true honoring
of my spirit and my heart.

holding that feeling and that honoring and using it as a compass....
that's the part i don't want to lose in the threads.........

one incredible moment

i had a weird moment yesterday.
a weird moment that brought up some pretty big stuff inside of me.

i could feel the whole body chemistry change.
and my head felt like it was whirling.
after sitting in it for much longer than i expected,
i sat back and felt the feelings.

the body stuff.
how i felt different......like my whole chemistry had changed.

and i asked myself what i was going to do with it all.

ha!
i wasn't a darn victim to it.
you know how we can be??? ( the victim)
you know how we get these feelings and we crumble?
at least i do.
or i go falling back into old stuff that i had hoped i had left.
or i just go to icky places.

and i feel like there's no choice.
it just happens.

well.......darn it all if that DIDN'T happen yesterday.
i leaned back and asked.

'okay, ter. where does this leave you?'

and i swear the coolest thing happened.........
a really really really deep wave of gratitude swept thru me.
swept down in my depths and rose higher and higher.

it was really really clear to me that my journey, as crazy as it's been,
as painful as it's been at times - and i looked back on some of my
worst pain ever - all that stuff.........was so incredibly worth it.

i knew that. i already had that lesson down. but i think there's levels
of 'down.'

i'll get something down. then months later get it down deeper....then
years later get it even down deeper.

this was one of those 'even down deeper' moments.

and it awed me.

and i thought of all the journeys i get a glimpse of that go thru bone sigh arts.
all the painful letters i read with all the people struggling with their darkness.....

i usually try to remind people that there's gold in the darkness.......
cause i believe that.

but i think yesterday i just got a booster shot in that belief.
and the next time i write that out to someone, i'm gonna be feeling it
even more.

think about it.......to say.......and believe with all your heart........
that the pain and struggle and darkness is worth it.
it's worth it.

that's some pretty big stuff.

and i realize that i don't have it down as much as i think, cause if i did,
then i wouldn't balk at any pain and struggle coming my way now.
i'd know it was worth it.
and well.....truth is.......i usually run from pain and struggle!!! so, no....
i don't have it like i'd like to.......

but i got it a little bit more yesterday.
and it knocked me to my knees.

there really is a point...

okay, this is gonna sound like a pointless blog...
but it really does have a point.

i've been nesting.
trying to make my home more my home as i prepare for the guys
to move out.

so on cleaning day last week, i looked at these grimy ol' plastic
liquid soap dispensers i have and decided i wanted something pretty.

keep in mind that the nesting has coincided with the need to tighten the
budgeting belt even a bit tighter. which probably is a good thing as i'd
be buying things right and left if i could and budgeting actually does keep 
things more creative around here.


so the first thing i did was get online to look for some handmade things.
okay, figuring out that wasn't gonna work with the budget, i started thinking
about making my own.

even that can get outta hand with the budget. so i put it on hold. figured
maybe i'd just live with the grimy ol' plastic things.

and then, having a few extra minutes before a meet-up last nite,
 i ran into michaels to see what they might have.

and sure enough i found a couple pretty glass bottles with corks in them
that would be perfect. just a few bucks and i had what i wanted!

after the meet up, as i hung around the kitchen table talkin' to the guys,
i grabbed a knife and started carving out the cork to make room for the
soap pump to slip into.

i think it was driving noah crazy as he finally got up, got his knife, reached
over and grabbed the cork and set to work.  in a matter of moments, the
corks were sitting there with the soap pumpy things in them, on top of bottles
filled with soap. and they looked awesome!

this morning, as i walked thru my kitchen, i went over to look at them and smiled.
i just so smiled.

i love pretty things.
i love my surroundings filled with pretty things.
(not expensive......just pretty........there's a difference.)

it matters so much to me.

and THAT'S the part of the blog that has a point.....
it matters to me a lot - the feeling good about my home.
and yet, i saw a limitation that i didn't know how to get by
and i figured i'd just live with what i had.
i was so willing to let it go.

and yet, that was the point of wanting to replace the things in
the first place. why did i have the ugly plastic things in the first place?
cause i didn't see a way to have the pretty things. and so i just let
that go. i just lived with them.

and when i wanted to change that, admit it mattered to me, grab what
felt right.....i was ready NOT to when i hit my first couple of hurdles.
and honestly, if there's one thing i've learned about budgeting it's this -
my creativity thrives where there's a budget.

why wouldn't i focus on that and insist instead of figuring it'd be okay to
'just live with it.'

i think it's because of this - i've set this burden on myself saying that budgeting
limits me.

instead of seeing the creative push it provides and saying 'budgeting urges on
my creative spirit.'

that's a big big difference in view points.
that's a life changing difference in view points.

and THAT'S the point here.
how the heck many times do we live with view points that are totally
limiting us and stopping us from getting what we really want?

it can't just be budgets.....it's gotta be all kindsa things.........
and when you stop and think about that, isn't that pretty darn exciting?
where are we feeling stuck?
where did we just settle and say 'this is good enough.'

i'm gonna be goin' back to those spots as best i can today and seeing what
kinda view point i've been working from.

seems like there's a whole lotta opportunity here!

just what i needed.....

a lot of my friends and people i know walk around saying 

'everything happens for a reason.' or 'everything happens as it should.'

i used to walk around saying that too. and i'd nod in agreement

when i heard it.

and then somewhere along the line i couldn't do it anymore.

i stopped buying it. 

i just read a line that at first made my eyebrows go up in discomfort.

cause it reminded me too much of those lines that i don't believe anymore.

but as i sat with it, i realized it was different. yet i still may need to tweak

it a bit.

it's quoted in the book 'further along the road less traveled' and it comes

from donald nichol - 'we cannot lose once we realize that everything

that happens to us has been designed to teach us holiness.'

right now i have trouble with the 'has been designed' part. that may

change, but for now it doesn't work for me but the main gist of that

thought does wonders for me.

so i tweak it.. and i get this -

everything that happens to us can teach us holiness.

bam.

i totally love that.

THAT'S the line i want to carry around with me and remember.

thought it was definitely worth sharing...

proud mama!

okay........noah's been workin' on this
and i swear every time i watched it i was soooo wowed!
one time i even cried......

he put this 'vid' together with the music.
thing is....it's not a vid....it's photos!
a gazillion photos!!!

i love what he did and had to share.......

landing back in

there was the gift of the candlelight vigil we just happened to walk by.

it was downtown....it was for a persecuted people in china.....it was a group
of people that had such an air of peace about them. lighting candles while the
music played out into the warm summer nite.

lighting up the darkness, the power of that peace just surrounded me.

it hit me deep. i had read a pamphlet they were passing out about it. the horrors
that people faced for practicing something so peaceful. i stood there thinking of
the peacefulness here in face of persecution and i was so moved. josh walked up
to me, equally as moved quietly talking to me about how striking it was to watch
this and how 'you can't stop an idea.'

i coulda stood there all nite.

there was the curling in with my partner where everything was still, i felt safe,
and i could just let all the feelings that had been tugging on me go. i could
just be safe for a little bit.

there was the laughter in the car that got the 'i never saw mom laugh so hard' rating.
sitting in a parking lot outta town, outta state, in the heat, laughing with complete
and total glee.

and there was the squirting my son with the hose to finish off the evening. and the
doubling over laughing as he let out the screams that reminded me of the little boy
playing in the hose so many years ago.

those are the highlights of my break. it's been a full break for me. one i needed really badly.
there were other moments.......some equally as fun or moving, some hard and not so fun.
all of them perfect.


all of them perfect.
even the not so fun ones.

i feel like i've remembered things i was forgetting, got reminded of where i want to
go, and got fueled up to step back in.

a perfect way to land back into another week.

those inner alarm bells

it wasn't a melt down. it wasn't an emotional collapse. it wasn't aimed at anything
in particular. there was just this feeling inside that was almost like quiet alarm
bells goin' off.

and i knew i'd better pay attention.

and so i did.

and i cleaned.

you cleaned?!

yeah.

i cleaned.

usually i don't have a ton of time so i clean like a maniac. fast, quick, and
with a crazed plan to get it all done.

not this time.

i claimed the day. i was taking all the time i wanted. deciding to only
do any other things that absolutely had to be done and nothing more,
i turned all the rest of my time to cleaning.

i started in one place, quietly, slowly, and just wandered everywhere it
took me. which was all over the place. there was no plan other than to
just slow down, be away from work, take care of my home and just feel
good about being in it.

right away, i mean, just about immediately, i felt better.
which leads me to believe just claiming the time was necessary.
i don't think i've ever cleaned that slowly. and it felt so good.
no hurry.

maybe i needed that as much as the time.
the way the time was handled.
the just no rushing. no hurrying.
it's been years of moving quickly.
slow seemed to be something necessary now.

that evening, after a day of centering, i felt so much better and i sat down
and did some art.

the art that i tried to do the day before and couldn't get anywhere with
just flowed and filled me with joy now.

i went to bed feeling soooo much better.
the alarm bells had quieted.
but i know i'm not done yet.

i'm claiming another day. and then all weekend.
just going to do what i must do work-wise, and everything else will
be aimed at what feels like it will nurture my insides.

the quiet alarm bells do their job.
they alarm me.
but i'm seeing how much my insides work with me when i work with them.
listen, respond, open up.
it matters.

a different kinda day...

i found myself driving down the road early this morning.

early enough to see those glorious pink and orange clouds.

i stopped at a light that had a perfect view of them.

i just sat under those clouds, soaked them up, and felt like

i couldn't get enough of them.

i felt dehydrated and like the sky was my drink. 

i wanted more. more. more. more.

the rest of the drive was filled with drinking in the sky.

i wondered what on earth it was about a morning sky that moved me

like it did. and i realized how much i had missed it.

for lots of reasons, i haven't been walking in the mornings.

i'm not exactly sure when i'll get back to it, but this morning i  knew

i would have to before too long. you can't give up stuff that means

that much to you.

yeah, ter -

'you can't give up stuff that means that much to you.'

that's a great line.

and one i want to sit with today.........

cause i had already decided - today was a day i was gonna focus on

what i needed and what filled me.

it's too easy to put all that aside and just keep pluggin' away.

today is a non-pluggin' day for me.

it's a pay attention to what you need day.

turnin' away from that big ol' pit!

it doesn't matter what kind of almost-melt-down it was...
it coulda been anything, love, finances, kids, mid-life stuff - anything.
doesn't matter.

what matters is there was an almost-melt-down and what happened.

there was the initial thoughts that begin the process, ya know?
and then something different than ever before happened -
my VERY FIRST thoughts were really positive and strong and
courageous.

i'm thrilled those were my very first thoughts.

but um....truth is, they only lasted a few minutes.
yeah.
five minutes tops.

and then all the typical melt down things began to happen....
the feelings in the body, the tears wanting to come...
the miserable thoughts....

all that followed pretty quickly.

and if you can picture the melt down as a big ol' pit....
one of those big ol' sinkholes - i was teetering on the edge...
really wobbling forward like i was gonna fall in.

and then....

i didn't.

i went out.
did an errand i needed to do.
did it then just to get out and moving about.
drove around a bit tryin' to get a grip, felt it all thru the errand,
but then driving home i just knew that i didn't want to melt down.
i wanted to handle whatever i needed to handle.

and i reached for the gratitude.
i didn't feel it. but i knew it.

and that was enough.

up until then i woulda guessed i had to feel it.

but i just knew it. i knew what gold i had and what i had to be grateful for.
i  knew that it was up to me to concentrate on that.
and i knew that i had a choice.

i was really clear on that.
sometimes i know it, and can't grab the positive choice anyway.
sometimes i know it and just fall right on in the sinkhole anyway.

but not this time.

and i'm thinking this whole process may have been a first for me.

the point of putting it out there is there have been plenty of times i fell.
thinking i didn't want to, but somehow knowing i did want to.
and wondering if that down deep desire to just fall in spite of all the
reasons not to would ever change. if i'd ever stop making excuses as
to why i fell - i just couldn't feel the gratitude, i just couldn't whatever...
and i 'had' to fall.

yesterday i saw i could lose the excuses. i could actually move away
from the deep desire of WANTING to fall.

(the whole 'wanting' it is prolly about three hundred blogs worth of thoughts
and not really gonna fit in this one. i'm hoping that's something people
understand when i put it in here.) (i hope so anyway!)

i've moved away from the pit. i'm still aware of it. i can still see it over
there....but i'm not goin' back to the edge today. i don't want to.

this morning i exercised and took a cold shower.
in my bathroom hangs what i now think of as my 'most functional bone sigh'.....
it's a 'stand out' which is some kinda plastic kinda stuff...it still looks nice,
but it's not paper that would mold in a bathroom....it's perfect whatever it is
to be in there. and i can actually see it from my shower. i stand in the shower,
let the water wash away the pain and the struggle and i read those lines
that somehow speak to me over and over again.

i've mentioned it over here before because i love this thing so darn much.
it reminds me to come back into focus, it reminds me i'm not a victim.
it reminds me what i want in my life, and it reminds me how i want to live.
it truly is my most functional bone sigh!!!

i wanted to end the blog with some of the lines that are on it -
just let the lines hang here a bit and kinda let you hold them as well.
these are the lines that i'm gonna circle myself with today to keep me
from headin' back to the edge.

and she remembered

it's a river you must dare to ride

you love

becoming the all

giving power to herself

choosing to believe, i face the world again

her heart spoke to her.

bowing down

she nurtured it back to fullness

it felt holy


and more if you want to go look......

mulling...

yesterday was a typical work day.
i worked a long day, went thru my list of things to-do and kept
pluggin' away.
thru it all, there were connections with many different people.

at one point i got to wondering how on earth we're all able to get up
outta bed in the mornings.

there was the girlfriend who was dealing with major hurt in her relationship,
her insides whirling and her past hurts flashing thru her.
there was the young woman struggling thru a dark patch dealing with her incest,
confused, in pain, unsure of where to turn.
there was the friend dealing with her mom's alzheimers, and a major sacrifice she
needed to make for her family, tearing up as she got words for some of her feelings.
there was the man who had hit another hard wave of grief over the loss of his wife
and realized he hadn't even really held her death yet.
there was the woman who had a story so horrific it hit the top of the horrific story list.

seriously, i got to wondering how we all stand up.

and i got to thinking about how incredible the human being is.

it is no small feat to face another day for so many of us at so many different times.

this morning i'm in a bit of awe.
i see the pain all around. i see that.
and a lotta times i have trouble seeing past that.

but this morning, that's not what's in focus for me.
what's in focus is the strength.
and how not one of those people realized that's what they were showing me yesterday.

thinking it thru

i was reading more stuff on love, and found something that really hit me
as a parent. of course it made sense as a partner, but it was so hitting
my parental stuff too while i read. and then i got to thinking about all different
kinds of relationships and i thought i should probably stamp this on my arm or
something.

it's more of 'the road less traveled' -

he starts out with 'for the truly loving person the act of criticism or confrontation
does not come easily...'

and he talks about how it's arrogant to just assume we know better and how
that's not loving, and how 'genuine love recognizes and respects the unique
individuality and separate identity of the other person....'

and goes on to say there should be a lot of self questioning about the whole deal
before you go saying something.
do i really see things clearly or am i operating on murky assumptions?
do i really understand...am i being self serving....that kinda stuff.

he says that 'there are two ways to confront or criticize another human being:
with instinctive and spontaneous certainty that one is right, or with a belief that
one is probably right arrived at through scrupulous self-doubting and self-examination.
the first is the way of arrogance, it is the most common way of parents, spouses,
teachers and people generally in their day to day affairs, it is usually unsuccessful
producing more resentment than growth...the second is a way of humility, it is not common,
requiring as it does a genuine extension of oneself; it is more likely to be successful,
and it is never, in my experience, destructive.'

the first thing i thought of was my parenting. and then i thought of my partnering.
and then i thought of my friendships and then it went on and on around my life.
and THEN i thought of the times i've been really truly deeply hurt by others...
and so many of those times are just what he's talking about - people assuming they
knew something when they were so wrong. and the destruction that happens then
can be so big.

seriously, i really wish we had classes on this stuff growing up.

i wanted to glance over at the hurts i got from others because of this very thing only
to see the feeling. so i did so. i glanced. and it sucked. but then i looked back at
me and my stuff. because that's where i want to concentrate. not on past hurts.
but on present living. i want to make the life i have with the people i have in it really 
really good. that's where i want to concentrate.

you know what's cool about it too that isn't obvious at first? the part about it requiring
a genuine extension of oneself. that's good stuff.

the more we do that, the more authentic we become.

this is the kinda thing that matters so much all the way around.
it's got my attention this morning, so thought i'd toss it out here.

starting to get it....

he had gotten up to refill his drink, so he missed it when his son
turned to me in all sincerity and said 'i've learned a lot from watching you and dad.
i see love isn't all fun and games, and that it takes work, but if you
really want it you can make it work.'

i burst out laughing.

probably not the most nurturing reaction to his sincerity.
he laughed along with me tho, so it's not as bad as it sounds.

and when his dad sat back down, i repeated the 'love isn't all fun
and games' parts and laughed all over again.

ahhhh to be the example that love is work.
hmmmmm........that really makes me laugh.
i think i'd rather be the example that love is all fun and games.
oh well...

love has been a topic on my mind big time.
i'm watching my almost step son wandering around in that glorious
'falling in love' state, i've been watching a friend trying to figure out
her changing emotions daily thru her relationship, i've been watching
a friend with marriage problems, and i've been watching me in my own stuff.

yesterday, in a heart to heart with my guy, i noticed some 'self love'
issues floating about for me. well....more like slamming me in my face...
they were hard to miss.

and i keep going back to what m. scott peck says about love -
'the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own
or another's spiritual growth.'

as i typed a note late last nite to a friend struggling with love stuff,
i typed out some stuff i was learning. and it kinda tied up a lot
of the strings i had been watching and thinking about.

i think i really got snagged into the love deal that our culture builds in us
from the very start. the stuff that makes you think someone will fill
all your needs and you'll just be happy. there are so so so many deep
strings to that i'm still catching them here and there in my outlooks.

and then, of course, there's the stage where you hear women who've
been around say no man can fill all your needs and that's what
girlfriends are for. and while there's so much truth in what they say,
there's bitterness and some sense of loss or giving up that i've never
felt comfortable with.

that landing place...that place i feel like i can stand in with belief and
trust and the feeling of it being real and honest has always been a bit
elusive.

trying to change your way of thinking, trying to understand new ways,
trying to find real and honest...and not knowing what's what.....
i didn't even realize that's part of the shaky stuff i feel some times.

and what i think is happening is i'm finding that landing spot. i think
i'm starting to understand where all the work has been leading me to.
i think i'm starting to get what this love stuff is about. and i think i saw
it as i typed that note last nite....

it's not about someone filling all your needs.
it's not about them filling most of your needs and gathering the right
girlfriends to do the rest.
it's not about someone always seeing you and understanding you.
(that's a big one for me...)
it's not all about fun and games. (altho, that's definitely a bonus at times)

it's about caring about someone so much that you'll do work that
you'd never do any other way.
it's about exploring that work together and messing up and falling down
and feeling like you're stuck.
cause then you have to decide what to do with that.
it's about deciding what work to do, what work not to do, and knowing
that it's worth the work.
it's about the growth that happens thru this to both of you.
it's about  not only sharing the growth, but really being the growth together.
it's about learning to turn your focus off of them and onto you and what
you need to build stronger. it's about seeing the places where you don't
love yourself and you're looking for the other to do it for you, and realizing
that won't work. and it's about owning that, claiming that and changing that.

it's about realizing that you can lay a whole bunch of stuff on the other person
until they break, or you can pick up your own stuff and figure it out yourself
and become way stronger.

it's about learning to love all of the other person.
not just the stuff you like, but the stuff that seems to cause problems.
it's about learning to listen and hear and figure out with them why those things
seem to cause problems and then learning to see the person underneath all of that.
and loving that person and their woundedness and working together to heal.

it's about realizing that you're in this together and you can either act like it,
or not. but in acting like it, you start to really believe it. and in really believing it,
you start to change. you open doors to become more.

it's about becoming more.
that what it's about.

it's not about becoming comfortable and happy.
it's about becoming more and living in the glory of that.
cause it is a sort of 'glory.'
it doesn't come easy, you gotta give it all you got, but my gosh,
what you get........is glorious.

and when you know it's a process of becoming more, it changes everything.

i've sorta got it here in a glimpse.
just a glimpse i feel like i can hold for just a moment.
but i feel like it'll keep coming back stronger and stronger.
and i wanted to put it out here while i sorta had it.

smilin' at my buddy!

one of my bestest ever friend's very first blog!
go welcome her to this crazy blog world!

paying attention

while the AC certainly has a place, and i'm grateful for it....
i'd just mostly rather have a fan.

i've got ac down where i work - finally - after the guys told
me i was gonna fry my computer...i got it in here a few years ago.

so i work in the cool all day and can't figure out why people complain
about the heat if they work in the cool.

but the main part of my house is toasty.
and there's a part of me that totally delights in that.
and no, i'm not a 'heat' person.
summer is my least favorite season. winter is my favorite.
so it's not like i'm a sun junky.
and yet.....there's something about 'getting thru it' that delights me.

i don't have friends over in the summer anymore.
that's failed big time several times so i've just stopped that kinda thing.

last nite when i saw zakk cookin' in the kitchen, i grinned.
it's good to see. there's something about cooking when it's just so hot.

it's been pretty darn hot around here tho. earlier than usual,
with extended periods of it. i think just like everywhere else.

i'm wondering how long my good mood about it will hold up!
it could wear thin real soon.

but for now, i'm gettin' a kick out of it all.

the nite's are interesting.
i'm up more. and i notice what's happening with the air.
if it's still, if there's a breeze, how long it takes to get a little bit cooler.

last nite i think it was about three in the morning before you could feel
it get a bit cooler.

this morning when i woke up, i just lay there and felt the temperature.
way warm for that time of day, yet still cooler than it had been when
i headed to bed the nite before.

i notice now.
i pay attention.
i listen and watch and feel like i don't usually do.

i drink water more.
i know that makes a huge difference to how i'm handling it.
and i pay attention and have the water.

i have a system with the house with the curtains and the doors and the windows....
when they get closed, when they get opened...which fans go where.

it's all a dance, a game i play with the season.
and one that has me paying attention more than any other time of year.

and i think that's the part i like.

i pay attention.

maybe because it's always been my least favorite season,
i figured i had to pay attention to make it thru.
and the weird thing is, i think it's that very paying attention that's made me
enjoy the season after all.

i don't know what it is, but i'm pretty sure there's some kinda cool
profound lesson in there..........

the glory of the parking lot

it was my favorite moment of the day.
even if i didn't  know it at the time.

and it was an odd one.

for crazy circumstances that no one cares about,
i ended up standing in a parking lot - a sea of asphalt and heat -
on a five million degree day - exploring an insight i had just
had moments earlier.

i had pulled into this parking lot just to make a quick call,
and then turn around and head home.

it turned out to be the meeting spot for my guy and me,
and a place where we stood for way longer than any normal people
would stand in the heat, sharing thoughts.

it was an intense conversation.

it would have to be.

what other kind of conversation would you stop in a five million degree
parking lot for?!

and instead of driving home feeling washed out and beat from the heat and
the sun.....i felt so much better from the conversation and the thoughts.

and i thought about my life.

how there's a lot of intensity to it.
and there's a lotta just 'doin' what you gotta do to make it work' thru it.

and i like that about my life.
even tho a lotta the times i don't know that when i'm going thru stuff.
sitting and back and looking, i really do like that.

when i got home, i sat with a friend's book she's working on. she asked
some friends to read it and do some of the exercises in it.

turned out it fit exactly with the mood i was in. and i snuggled in to do the
first exercise.....it's a visualization kinda thing.....a guided one, where there
was a story to follow and then you kinda fill stuff in the story.

and the coolest part about it was that in my visual,  when someone shows
up to show me the world i had been missing - it's my partner who shows up.

and the amazing thing was - in the visual, where the world could be anything i
wanted it to be  - the world wasn't all beautiful and perfect -
but that was part of the glory of the whole thing.....the triumph of the struggles
that were mixed up in the beauty of life. that was the glory of it. and that's
the word that described it so perfect for me, and the word that came to mind
during the visual - 'glory.' and there he was, showing it all to me.
i finished the visual and thought about it and my 'real' life and where i had just
been an hour ago. 

it's not all the beautiful calm cool perfect parts of life that are the real beauty.
sometimes the real beauty is found in a five million degree parking lot. and
we forget that. a lotta times we forget.


yesterday that parking lot was one of those spots of glory - and it's taken
my partner to be my guide to those spots. and yeah, it was my favorite moment
of the day. and the weird thing is.....i'm not sure he forgets. i know i do.
but i'm not sure he does. which makes him one heck of a guide.

on my mind...

i was book hoppin' yesterday, and found one of m.scott peck's other
road less traveled books. he did a few after that one and i've got them
on my shelf.

after hitting one of his thoughts yesterday, i'm really wondering how
much of healing is truly  muscle building.

i've been noticing that with my own stuff.
sometimes i swear i feel like i'm lifting weights.
and i can see that the more i do it, the better i get.

he was talking about suffering.
he's quite willing to talk about pain and how it's part of life.
but he goes on to say he's not a masochist and he sees no virtue
in 'unconstructive suffering.'

if he has a headache, he'll go and get an aspirin.
he compares unconstructive suffering to that. if you've got it,
you should get rid of it, like you do a headache.

i think i like the 'unconstructive' term better than the one he changes
that to....'neurotic'....but he liked neurotic better, so he changes it to
neurotic suffering. and the 'constructive' suffering, he calls existential
suffering. (which is a whole different blog...)

so...he lays out a 'very simple albeit brutal rule for dealing with the
emotional pain and suffering of life.' in a simple three step process.

and now i'm laughing.
okay, give me a brutal three step rule. let's see what we can do....

first, you decide if your suffering (and he clarifies this with saying
''anxiety or guilt") if it's neurotic or not.

sigh.

okay. that's probably the brutal part.

but he says 90% of the time you can figure it out.
then if you figure it's neurotic (unconstructive) then you ask yourself
how would you behave if you didn't have this anxiety or guilt?
and then you fake it til you make it and act that way.

gulp.

he used his shyness as an example.
finally coming to the point where he asked himself if the shyness was
holding him back - was it enhancing his existence or limiting it?'

and then he faked it til he maked  it.  :)

i've been thinking about that ever since i read it.

when you sit and really think about it, doesn't it sound like muscle building?

sounds hard to me too.
but um.......sound pretty darn interesting too.
it's been on my mind since i read it.
wanted to share......

something i could easily miss.....

big ol' sigh here.

it was time to pull out m. scott peck's 'the road less traveled'
once again.

there are a handful of books that are 'return to' books for me
in times of need. this is one of 'em.

i kept thinking 'i need to pull that book off the shelf' but haven't.

until now.
i couldn't wait any longer.
i needed to reread some of his words.
in particular, i needed to go reread his definition of love.

he has the most helpful section on love that i've ever read anywhere.
i actually used it in our homeschooling curriculum. each of my sons
has been introduced to this man's thoughts on love. i wish the whole
world could be. and then re-introduced on an annual basis.

after a disclaimer that there's no real defining love, he gives his best
to explain generally what he thinks it is. and i find his definition something
to pay attention to.

he defines love as this - 'The will to extend one's self for the purpose of
nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.'

and then he goes on to explain that.
but i'm gonna just leave that sentence there. just like that.
it's an awfully huge concept.

let's check it out again -


The will to extend one's self for the purpose of
nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.


and i don't think we know how huge this is by just reading the line.
it's when you start applying it to your relationships that it truly can knock
you over.

last nite was one of the biggest examples for me of mister m. scott's definition.
it was one of those moments you have with someone you love.
a repeat not so great moment that hits stuff deep inside.
the repeat part, the not so great part, the hitting deep stuff inside part...
those parts can really really be difficult.

a few remarkable things stand out for me about it.

first of all....i untangled it.
this amazes me.
it's deep and complicated and really difficult for me.
one of the most challenging hurdles for me.
and i've finally gotten to the point where i could untangle it and see
what's going on.

that's no small feat and i'm pretty tickled with that.

then...i could explain it to my partner.
another really difficult task.
truly.
i mean, really - who wants to bring it to the person who feels like
the source of the whole deal in the first place??? the amount of
trust that takes is phenomenal. and that isn't lost on me.
we've worked hard on this one......it's one we've built up to, 
and one that my partner gets a ton of credit for.
he listened and heard and was completely open about it.

and then....he threw in about a thousand more layers of complications
that he knew of with his own stuff.

and we marveled at how complicated and layered it all was.
even that was pretty amazing. just kinda sittin' back and looking at
this heap of complicated threads and sayin' 'wow......' together.

and then this......none of it was fun. there were parts that were really really hard,
parts that didn't feel good.....but the over all feeling is one of amazement here
this morning. cause what we really truly were doing was workin' on our growth.
as individuals and as a couple.

i haven't been really diggin' this 'work patch' we've been in lately.
both of us are ready for it to pass on by. but i think, looking back thru it,
sifting thru moments just like last nite and thinking about what we're doing
with them....i think we're actually living love.

and this is seems like a really important thought to put out there.
cause seriously, it's hard to remember sometimes.

and for me to discount what's goin' on with my partner and i right now
because it's not fun would be such a shame. cause i think what's goin' on
is some major touching of what love is really all about.

and yeah, i could easily miss that sometimes. so i thought i'd throw it out
here in case someone else could too.

morning adventures

i was gonna finally sit and write about THE STORM.

it was SUCH an event this weekend, and the scariest storm
i had ever been in...

i hadn't had a chance yet. and thought it'd be the perfect morning
for it.

but then i got sidetracked.

one of the guys needed a haircut.
and for sake of privacy, we'll usual fictional names -
we'll call him larry.

i was out watering my plants with joy as our water ban just
got lifted. while i was talking to my thirsty plants, larry came to the window.

can i get a haircut?

sure...
i'll be in in a moment.

he wanted a buzz kinda thing.
i hate those.
so i always balk.

you sure?

reluctantly agreeing, and noticing the blade he handed me wasn't gonna cut
too much off, i felt better and began.

i smiled as i saw how little it was cutting off.
i like their hair longer.
so this pleased me.
finishing up, i was reaching for the scissors to cut around larry's ear.

this has been a joke with us for years.
for some reason, i just never ever ever  get all the hair cut right around
the ear. it's uncanny. you can bank on it.

so, larry, being a logical, technical kinda guy handed me the 'ear blade.'

OOOOoooooHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh no.
i can't use that.
i don't understand it, i said.

he explained it to me.

OOOOOhhhhhHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh no i can't use that.

see, i know that the only way i'll learn how to work it is by trying it.
and that no one wants me to learn that way on their head.

but larry was game.
he showed me how to do it, holding the razor up to his head and
mimicking the movement.

piece of cake.
i mean, seriously, how hard can this be???
it's not rocket science, as they so often say.

okay.
no sweat.

OOOooooppppssssss.

and then the horrified look flashes on my face which i immediately
realize isn't helpful so i try to change the horror into a nonchalant  kinda
'oh, look.' kinda look.

too late.

larry bursts into laughter.

i immediately thank god larry is not a girl.
i would have had to deal with shrieking and crying and some true
drama....because....well.......the moment called for it.

larry calmly says 'don't worry about it' and hands me a shorter
blade to  kinda even it all out.

hmmmmmm.........not quite short enough, larry.
how do i tell him???

so i try.
i really do try.

maybe if i cut it over and over and over and over and over it'll
somehow look okay.

okay, maybe i need some advice from someone else who can see this.

i'll get larry's brother, ed.

ed! ed!
and then i think....wait....i'd better go give him the heads up (great pun!)
before he walks over here.

so i got to ed's room.
i squirm.
i explain there's been a haircut snafu.
and could he please CALMLY come look at it.

counting on his ever calm persona, i follow him over to where larry
sits, covered in tiny hair, patiently waiting for the conference.

ed looks....can't figure the problem.

he looks fine.
looks around larry's ear.

he looks fine.

i squirm.

well.....ummmmmm........it's not that ear.
it's this ear.

ed circles around larry's head.
and then he bursts out laughing.

throws his head back and keeps on laughing.

i squirm more.
this is not the kinda help i'm looking for.

he then tells larry 'it's like when you hit the hill with the lawnmower.'

i hit ed, tell him he's not helping.

choking back his laughter, ed grabs the scissors.
'we can fix it'......and he digs in.

well....yeah, that's a good description.
it looked like he dug in.
there's now a groove in larry's head near where the lawnmower patch is.

i grab the scissors from ed.
larry is not missing the action taking place all on his head.
he's generally a control freak anyway,
how he's being so calm and patient and letting us do this to him
is beyond me.

i glare at ed.
'you're making it worse!'
ed's laughing.
i'm in agony, cause i have the girl drama genes,
and larry shakes his head, hands me the shortest blade he can find,
and says 'just shave it.'

i sigh and shave his hair way way short.

and he likes it.

he likes it.

the guy likes it.

no girl on earth would have reacted this way.
it's moments like this i realize i like having sons.

he looks like a military guy.
it's not my favorite look in the world....
but this morning.....i don't know.......i'm thinking it looks perfect.

and i'm thinking i don't want to use that earblade again........

one step at a time

it's been one of those mornings.
no wait.
it's the afternoon.
one of those days???

just finally getting to the blog...

but it was one of the conversations i've had today that inspires
this post.

talking to a friend who's got a job where she's perceived as oh....
who knows.....'spiritually advanced' or 'a healer' or a guide or
a teacher or whatever......one of those things that puts pressure
on your image/actions.

one where she's expected to forgive easily and have a pure heart.

laughin' here.

good luck with that, huh?

and one of her hurts is from someone deliberately trying to hurt her.
over and over again.

oh yeah, go ahead and forgive quickly and be pure of heart.
you're spiritually advanced. go for it, girl.

so we talked.
and laughed.
and groaned.

and talked about how that forgiveness stuff was all good and eventually 
we hoped to get there with some stuff but that a good place to start
was seein' that all the negative energy, wallowing, swirling, angry thoughts,
all that stuff drained us and took away from the life we wanted to live.

and that was enough for us to work on us.
that was enough for us to work harder at the life we wanted.
and that was enough to redirect us.

she commented how it was more like a first step in the process.
that when you skipped that kinda thing and tried to go straight to the love
and light, it was way easy to get stuck and not make it.

i laughed.
oh yeah.

i totally think forgiveness is the way to go.
for us.
not for 'them.'
but, for me, i can't just hop the hurdles and land in the grand land
of forgiveness...i gotta start with easier things like refocusing and
workin' hard on the life i want to live.

which, yeah, includes forgiveness.
just gettin' there in my own way in my own steps.
refocusing.
and refocusing.
and refocusing again.