one rockin' good tidbit!

okay, you know i have to do the 'god' disclaimer.
this starts out with god.....just do whatever works for you there,
you know that. but still feel like i need to say it.

thought this was too good not to share!

it's from 'facing the lion, being the lion' by mark nepo.

'All this has led me to view God as the sculptor and experience
as His chisel. And try as we might to shape the things around us,
it is we who are being sculpted. Since my eyes have been chipped
open, I see things differently. Often the instruments of change
are not kind or just, and the hardest openness of all might be to
embrace the change while not wasting our heart fighting the
instrument. The storm is not as important as the path it opens,
the mistreatment in our life never as crucial as the clearing it
makes in our heart. This is very difficult to accept. The hammer
or cruel one is always short lived compared to the jewel in the
center of the stone.'

do you think this is too long to tattoo on my forehead??? maybe
my arm??? gosh, i loved this.

an inspiration

i could go on forever about stevie.
how he's the person who made me want to wake up to passion,
how he spoke to me thru some of the hardest times ever,
how watching him open to something beyond him inspired the daylights outta me.

truly one of the most powerful influences of my life,
i've been thinking of him this week.
he died this week years and years ago.

he spent a lotta time addicted to drugs,
and then cleaned up and became sober
and worked hard at spreading love.

totally one of my all time heroes.

his song, 'aint gone give up on love' is one of my favorites.
i grabbed some time to sit with him and watch and listen.
that guitar can just rip my heart out and hit things no one
else seems able to touch.

i wanted to post him sometime this week,
to remember him, to honor him, to thank him........

want a little stevie fix?
here's just one of zillions.......

venting isn't seeing

i'm noticing this more and more and i'm getting pretty excited about it.

and it's funny, it's not just the theory i'm excited about....it's the fact that
i'm really believing it that's a thrill as well. the only way i think i coulda
ever gotten here is with that darn stinkin' inner work i've done. and that
ALWAYS gives me a tickle cause it tells me the struggles are worth it.

the struggles are worth it and we really are growing!

a friend needed an ear. she's a pretty darn strong woman, and really
just needed a processing partner. so we talked. and i listened. and after
awhile i grinned.

this was a no brainer. it was easy. and yet she was muddled. and i laughed.

yeah, i can be the biggest pain of a processing partner there is.

so if the problem was a no brainer, why wasn't she getting it?
that's what i was curious about.

the details only mattered in that they painted a picture where i could
see where some of her strongest reactions were. i could see what she
was bringing to me in the first place. the things uppermost in her mind.
the parts of them she emphasized. i could see what mattered to her
and which parts bothered her.

and some hazy kinda feelings came in for me and i brought them to her.
'i'm not really clear on this, but it feels kinda like this.......does that feel
right to you?'

and it'd bring it to the bigger picture and she could fill in all the blanks
that i couldn't.and it would refocus her to the bigger picture.

and as we looked at the bigger picture there was some of those
ohhhhhhhhh moments. ohhhhhhhhh look at this. ohhhhh this ties in with this.

those kinda moments.
which are always awesome moments.

but she's human and she needed to vent.
no problem.
vent.
we need to.

but i can see so clearly that none of the details matter.
the only reason they help is to show us what's really going on in the larger deal.

venting is venting.
but it's not seeing.

and i'm pretty darn excited about this.

it reminds me of another conversation with another friend where she kept
going back to the details.

and venting.

we want to dwell there.
we want to hash thru them and rehash thru them and go over them
one last time. and wait...what about this??

that's what we do.
we all do it.

with my own darn stuff, i do that all the time.
all the time.
but what i've taught myself to do over the years is to drag myself back
to a certain spot.
over and over cause i leave that spot at the drop of a hat.
and go back to venting.
over and over i gotta drag myself back to a certain spot.
the spot of looking at what's REALLY bothering me.
not the stupid details.
what am i really reacting to?
why is my reaction so strong?
what does it trigger inside of me?
what do i do with this reaction and why?
am i seeing clearly or am i living in some kinda pattern or reaction
to old stuff?

over and over and over again.

and truly, it feels like dragging myself back to that spot.

cause i wanna just focus on what 'they' did........and how 'they'
are bugging me.

and i just wanna vent.

and that just isn't where the gold is.

and what i love about it is it has that yin yangy feeling that thrills me.
the stuff where you need the opposites......

it's the small details that give you the clues, but it's the looking at it from
the big picture view that gives you the awareness of what's goin' on.

the idea's to grow, right?
to drop the stuff that blocks us up and ties us in knots
and to open ourselves to a spot of love.
that's kinda what i figure, anyway.

all this stuff does that for us.
and yeah, it's easy to see when it's not mine!

kinda gives a whole new meaning to 'the devil's in the details'....
i can't let the details stop me from seeing the bigger picture.
i can't let the details distract me from the places i need to look
and that can help me grow.

at the end of the conversation, i laughed and called the person my friend
was struggling with 'her angel'.....cause she was helping her see stuff.

there's angels all around us....and yeah, a lotta times i just wanna punch
them in the face.

but there is gold in these darn struggles.
if only i can remember that!!~!!

noah's a genius!

i have watched him thru the whole process,
been lucky enough to have been around when some of the photos
were taken.....and have viewed this like a gazillion times as he went along.

every single time i went away inspired!

taking over 5,000 photos and putting them together for a fan club competition,
noah created this work of art!

check it out!!!

he's on my mind

it was spontaneous.
i looked thru the new cards i had gotten in.
i had ordered one of the sea with him in mind.
i saw it in the stack, pulled it out and started writing him a note.
i'd pop it in the mail tomorrow and let him know i was thinking of him.

had just signed the note when i found myself reaching for the phone to call him.
in the middle of a a million things, i rarely get near the phone.
but this just happened.

when he answered, i understood why.
he sounded terrible.

turns out he had fallen last week.
blacked out and fell in his apartment.
had been there a few hours (hours?!!) before he woke up again.

yes, he'd been to the doctor.
and yes, he'd fill me in on what they said.

and as i listened i heard something in his voice that was new to me.

vulnerability.

fiercely independent, it's been ridiculous what he's handled all alone.

and yet, there it was - vulnerability.

i thought of his rough childhood, the abusive parents,
the being left in a home for kids when there wasn't enough money to take
care of him. and yet his sister stayed home.

a small, homely boy left in a kids home.

thought of how he toughed his way thru that and landed in the merchant marines.
'spent his life in a boiler room' was what his nephew had told me.

crusty old man.
independent old man.

vulnerable old man.

there was no turning down offers of help this time. he was open to them.
wanted them. needed them.

when he described passing out and waking up later he told me how he opened
his eyes, found himself on the floor and thought 'you're not young anymore.'

i closed my eyes on this end of the phone and held that.

'that musta been hard. how'd it feel?' i asked.

'scary.' he answered.

and he meant it.

and he told me he now understands what's ahead of him and he's scared.

again, i closed my eyes and held that.

crusty old independent man who's been thru so much.
vulnerable and afraid.

i stole the moment to tell him i loved him.
i heard myself say it.
gentle and real i wanted him to know.
i wanted him to know he mattered to someone.

it hung there. in the air.
between the phones.
i could feel it.

there was a pause.
i could almost feel him closing his eyes.

his voice changed and he told me how much that meant.
and then......true to that crazy old man's completely surprising nature,
he launched into shakespeare.

i grinned.
he does this.
he quotes shakespeare to me.

and not just a line.

paragraphs.

and not just any paragraphs.
but the most beautiful, sensitive, loving paragraphs.

this crusty man.
this 'nobody's child' man who cusses and talks so sharply,
who repeats the same stories over and over when he's got a million
amazing ones locked inside of him.
the man who you think never loved who carries around a picture of
a woman from over fifty years ago.

i wonder what his life has been about.
if he's glad he's lived it.
if he's glad he's still here.

i know he's tried to end it before.
and he's said he's glad that didn't work out.
that he wants to be here.

what is he looking back at and regretting?
what is he looking back at and cherishing?

has he ever really felt love?

and what are we here to give each other besides love?

abuse. abandonment. neglect. loneliness.
he's tasted that all.
and under all of that -
a man who will stun you with his knowledge of history.
a man who will soften your heart with his words from shakespeare.
a man who can talk literature and politics.

a man i'm lucky enough to be able to tell i love and actually have it matter.

yeah, i think it's a gift that i can love him.
i think that matters to him and is a gift i can offer.

but i think the bigger gift is exactly that -
it matters to him.

and that is such a gift to me.

he reminds me to live.
he reminds me to love.

he's on my mind and in my heart this morning.

late nite lessons

i have always said that one of the perks of my life is that i get to hear a ton
of amazing stories. the strength and courage i see is so inspiring to me.
and i feel so lucky to get to hear them.

there's always a flip side, isn't there?
not all the stories are inspiring. some of them are so dark and so heavy
and so hard for me to hold.

the really good ones usually make it past me. i will tell someone else bits
of the stories to inspire them, i'll share with my sons or my guy and just
be thrilled.

it's the ones that never get past me that are the dark ones. i don't tell them.
i know how hard they are to carry and to hand them to another doesn't
seem like something i should do.

i get the person living them needing to tell them. and i think they should.
i think that totally matters and they should and they need to.
but there's no gain from my passing them on, and so i hold them.

in the past, sometimes they'd be too heavy to hold and i wouldn't know
what to do.

lately, tho, i'm working on the holding the dark along with the light.
i mean, i'm actually thinking about it and trying to figure out how to do that.

i lay in bed last nite thinking about that.

the room was dark.
and i thought of some darkness i was holding.
and i looked over at the open door.
it was a rectangle of light.
it wasn't bright light - it was faded light. maybe from
street lights from another room's window. i don't know.
but it was bright enough you could see the rectangle of the door frame.
and i could think about standing in the doorway of light.

i looked over at the window.......again, lighter than the dark room.
i looked at something that was in the room and it's shape of dark black.
i looked at the curtains against the window - dark black.

there were different shades of black and gray and light.

i started picking out things the black represented.
that lump of black right there, that's that story i'm holding from the other day.
and that big ol piece of black, that's what i'm tryin' to hold now.
and that light there? that's this part of my life.
and that light over there.....that's another part of my life.
and that big light? that's where i have to keep focused.

and it was the coolest thing.
for just a little bit that room was the perfect painting of my life and the
stories i live, hear and hold.

i could see how they all melded together. how some of the shades/stories
blended into each other. how there was small parts of light and big parts
of light.

and it didn't seem so awful as when i just held the one dark story.

i could see it was a roomful of stories, of living and of light in the darkness.

i think too often a single story will swallow me up.
i'll think that one single story is the whole room.
i'll forget it's just that black lump in the room over there.
and while yes, it's black and it's dark......there's a whole lot more in the room
along with it.

and i don't know how to explain it, but that helped me a whole lot.
and i'm gonna try to remember this when holding the darkness.

a collision in my head....

i admit i'm not very quick.
things i've heard talked about for years will take forever to land
on me and for me to understand.

but when i start seeing the deal, what i lack for in quickness,
i make up for in enthusiasm!

i had two separate thoughts the other day.
at two separate moments.
when i accidentally put them together i gasped!

here's one of the thoughts......
okay, maybe not so much a thought as an understanding.

a fear of mine uncovered itself.
quite by accident.
i think it was just because of the conversation before that.
it was just a rambling innocent conversation,
but it musta opened a door for me to see stuff.
cause there in the middle of everything, i totally saw a fear
of mine i had never seen before.

it was almost like i could just hold it in my hands and look at it.
wow. look at that. i didn't even know that was there.
wow. that makes a lotta sense. wow, what complicated creatures we are.
man, that's got to be coming into play here more than i know.
and my gosh, it's based in old past stuff.

just kinda like that.
no big judgments, no diving in to fix it. just a seeing of it.

okay.
then the next thought...and yeah, again, maybe not so much a thought
as a seeing -

i watched myself react to something that hurt, and  recover.

the whole process for me is changing. and i noticed it.
it's not changing so completely that i notice it right at the moment.
i still get the same initial reactions, and they feel pretty darn strong...
but they're a smidgen less strong. the recovering time is faster and
the letting go is faster and cleaner.

i'm changing.

i can see it and feel it.

those are the two things that sorta collided together this morning.

a fear based in old past stuff that's messin' with me now
and the seeing that i'm growing and changing.

bam! they hit head on!

and this simple thought that i think everyone else has a grasp of,
landed on me......

fears based in old past stuff hold no real power because i am different,
i have changed, i am so not the same as i used to be. that's the past,
this is the present, and they are not the same thing. those fears hold
no real power anymore.

that's it.
that simple little thought you could read anywhere.
it made me gasp.

cause it wasn't just something i read somewhere that sounded neat.

it came from those two things bumpin' into each other inside of me.

now, i gotta say.....it's still only in my head.
i mean, it just now got in my head!
there's been no time for that to sink into my bones yet.

but i think i'm gonna help the sinking process.
i think i'm gonna work on repeating to myself that the old fears
worked on the old me.....but they don't work on the new me.
or the me i'll be down the road.

i don't need to be trapped by old stuff. there's no real lock on the door.

and i can put the fear down and go forward.

over and over again i'll be telling myself this...........

there's no real lock on the door. let it crumble away into pieces,
you've got a life to live.......

thinking out loud

i didn't get very far.
blogged and then read one email.
and i'm back.

there's stuff goin' on that breaks my heart.
i don't even like to talk about it cause it just truly breaks my heart.

a little girl got sent away from a loving family to go live with a dad
she never knew in an entirely different country.

yeah.

i witnessed something similar a few months before my dad died.
it threw me into a hole and then when my dad died, between everything,
i entered a few years of bleakness. it took me a long time to find
my footing again.

so this friend wrote and we talked of the little girl.

and i realized something that's a big part of the story that disturbs me.

we can't change it.

we watch things happen and we can't change them.

and we are so much more powerless than we realize.

i know.
i know.

we are much more powerful than we know as well.

i do know that.
and i do believe that.

but this round, the lack of control is in my face.

i am (still) reading the book 'the first circle' - it's a classic russian novel
about the best 'camps' you could be sent away to when stalin was in power.

what has stood out for me so much thru reading this is how people were just
picked up, arrested, and then trapped (and much more).

truly, part of my head goes 'how can this be???'

how can we just not have control over what happens to us???

how can this be???

and i marvel at how that's such a puzzle to me.
that's as puzzling to me as not having the control.
how can i not really understand this is how life goes sometimes?
and how can it be so foreign to my head?
and yet it is.

i think the complete inability to change something awful - and the
realizing of that - feels as horrible as the awful thing happening.

and yet i want to really live, right? i talk of that in the post below.
of how life isn't all good and how you have to dive into the all.

how do you dive into this? how do you accept this and keep going?
how do you dive into the concentration camps? how do you dive into
all the bad stuff in the world???

the only thing i have to hang on to this morning is the 'mystery' stuff that
is also on my mind. of how there is always light in the darkness......it's
there in some form.

and maybe to keep on going i have to look for that.
i really don't know.

and maybe using this stuff to fuel what i do, and who i am and what i offer....
maybe that needs to happen as well.

living

zakk insulted my movie taste a few nites ago.

i don't usually watch movies. mostly i'll watch one with the guys just

to be with them. but otherwise not much at all. here and there.

but he insulted me, right?

so for the last two nites i curled in and watched girl stuff he'd never watch.

just to show him.

hmph.

which is funny cause i didn't really know it til i finished the second movie last nite. 

he came in and we were laughing that i watched two movies in two nites.

unheard of around here! and then i realized why.
cause he insulted me.
and we laughed some more.

we both knew it was true and we both thought it was funny.

so okay......no one laugh.......but i watched the cinderella one - ever after.

two things stood out for me -

i'm old.

it was a story about kids.

and i was more interested in the dynamics of the parents than the main characters.

i wanted to find out more about the king and queen and what their thoughts

were on life.........i wanted some meat. some real life stuff. so why did i pick

a kids love story??? i think maybe cause the truth was i couldn't handle much

real life stuff last nite. too much pain swirling around me and i wanted silly

stupid stuff. 

but i think i need silly stupid stuff aimed at old people now.

wow. that really stood out for me.

i can't even fake 'young' anymore.

jeesh.

and then the last line......the very last line made the whole thing worthwhile for me....

something like -

'yes, gentlemen, while they did live happily ever after, the point is, they lived.'

bam.

that line hit me.

they lived.

and THAT was on my mind big time yesterday before i ever heard that line.

i don't think it's a happily ever after kinda life.

i just really don't.

but i think there's some true deep happy stuff in it.

mixed in with all the other.

and all of it is life.

allowing it all in is living.

diving into it all is really really living.

i've spent way too long thinking otherwise.

being trapped into thinking it's all sposed to be good.

if you just do it right, it'll all work out happy.

close off the bad, fight the pain, just let in the good.

pooh.

completely and totally wrong.

that's not living.

and i want to live.

really really live.

that'd be kinda cool on my tombstone -

'the point, (ladies and) gentlemen, is that she lived.'

shootin' for that today.

a bit of a wild morning

i just took the post down that said bone sigh arts was off line because we're
back up!!!

but!
the story is too priceless not to share!

i was typing this blog this morning when zakk came down letting
me know he was hopping in the shower. (we only have one bathroom
so this is a nice courtesy for anyone else in the house.) (the funny thing
here is more often than not he doesn't let me know...but this morning he did.)
(and now he may never do that again!)

as he was walking away, i tried to pop over to our website to grab the quote
i was putting at the end of the blog.

and there was no website.

i heard noah's voice, and i heard zakk close the bathroom door.

STOP HIM! i yelled real loud!

i heard noah stop him, and zakk come out.
i heard noah tell him he had no idea why, but he had to be stopped.

i grinned.
and then told him about the site.

we'll have server problems here and there so it's no big deal.
i just need to make sure he gets it up right away if he can.

especially right now as we're starting some ads that list our site.

i move on to facebook while he's checking that, and noah comes down
kinda serious and thinks maybe we didn't renew our domain.

uh oh.

my credit card date had expired and changed so i figured that coulda messed
us up.

uh oh.

i gave noah the passwords to all the stuff he needed and went back to fb.
a friend is way sick and i wanted to get some light wrapping around her.
i was working on a request for that.

he came down again and together we found the renewal letter in an old email
account.

sure enough.
we didn't renew.
we were toast.

so we did all the scrambling......notes to the place, renewal as fast as we could -
twice........anything. just get us back up. i was typing as fast as i could.
renewing as fast as i could.

noah went away again.

i went back to fb.
i wanted to let people know we were down.

of all days, fb was acting totally screwy and i couldn't see some of my posts,
most of the comments would disappear. things would show up and then leave.
it totally added to the crazed flavor around here.

as that was going on,  noah and zakk came down together and sat down.

uh oh.

guaranteed that's NEVER a good sign.

they wanted to make sure i understood what was happening.
oh yeah, i got it, i said and laughed and groaned and rubbed my face.

they then mentioned that someone may grab the domain and try to sell it back to me.
my eyes got big.

you mean for thousands and thousands of dollars?????
well........maybe hundreds and hundreds, they told me.

well, that's not nice. they can't do that. i'd tell them that they don't know what
they're doing and they can't do that........

and then i leaned over, put my head between my knees and screamed and laughed.
and said 'OH MY GOSH' over and over and over again.

and then i looked at them 'i have NO idea when that ad is coming out' i told them.
and i screamed and laughed like a maniac and rubbed my hair into a wild einstein look.

we have this really big deal ad we're doing..........and all i could think of was 'what if
it's today??? what if that goes out today???"

and then i wrote the group i just did the ad with - it went something like this -

'i have a riddle for you....
who spends all the money they have on a really big ad with their website
listed on it and then lets the site expire???'
please please please tell me the ad didn't go out yesterday!'

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.

turns out my business email wouldn't go thru.
nothing worked.
nothing.

even facebook was playing with me.

for some reason running my hands thru my hair in a maniac way relieves
stress........i did a bit of that and decided i should go run that errand i needed
to run since it would be dead quiet. (and yeah, i forgot to brush my hair
before i left!!)

as i walked out to the car, i thought of my sick friend.
it put EVERYTHING in perspective.
i knew i knew i knew it could be a really big deal and a really big problem
for me business-wise. and i also knew that didn't matter.

i'm healthy and i need to be okay about this other stuff.

so i laughed some more.
i genuinely laughed.
cause it's genuinely funny.
and i ran my errand.
and while i drove i looked at the sky and the road and
the people and i was so glad to be a part of it all.

i thought about how i needed to be more present in my life
and just really appreciate being here.

noah called during all this.

i answered laughing and told him i could handle any bad news cause
i understand what matters in life. and i joked with him and asked him
what was up.

we are! our site was back up and runnin!

oh.my.gosh.

oh.my.gosh.

WHAT a morning.
and! just so you know......the really big ad?
it doesn't go out for a few weeks yet.

sigh.
sigh.
sigh.

can't even begin to tell you how pretty the day looks now!

just thinking

it keeps coming out in the stories i'm hearing lately -
some kinda theme i'm trying to watch.

and lately, there have been so many stories.
i sit back in amazement as i hear about them.
the struggles everyone has.
the different kinds of pain.
and the efforts that go into getting thru the pain.

it's quite a classroom for me.
this one part caught my attention the other day,
and now i see variations of it all over.

a friend is sick. real sick.
we'll call her zelda.
i've known zelda for years and she's always trying to put on
a happy face. this time tho, it's just not possible and there
are times she shows her other feelings.

i'm always relieved to see that, being big on expressing our
emotions, i'm a believer in life beyond the happy face.
well, zelda has another friend who can't seem to be there
for her as she has trouble with things not going well.
she seems to need the happy face.

when zelda told me this, i felt so bad for both of them.
i'm thinking that has to take quite a toll on zelda's friend.
cause you know somewhere deep inside she's doin' some
kinda inner fight. and then, of course, zelda misses out on
support she could really use.

i wondered if zelda could tell her that it's okay to share the
hard stuff. that it'd be good for both of them to experience it
together.

and then i thought of how that would feel to zelda if she did
indeed put it out there and her friend ran the other way.. it'd
be a heartbreak zelda doesn't need right now.

and that's the part i got stuck on.
i know if i were zelda, it'd be a heartbreak.
i know that.
and who wants to deal with yet more sad stuff in the midst of
a very scary crisis?

and i got to thinking - wouldn't it be cool if zelda could put it out
there and then release the control of the outcome. not need any
certain thing to happen??

now, maybe she can.
this stopped being about zelda the minute i got stuck on the
heartbreak part. i don't  know what she'll want to do, i put the
idea out for her and let it go. i figure she'll do what feels right.

i know tho, that i might not mention it if i were her.
because i would need a certain outcome.

ah, ter, there goes that control stuff again.
and that's when it started to become a lesson for me.

since then, i've heard other stories and watched where our needs
get in the way and tangle things up. we need people to do certain
things or we can't be happy.

i am completely familiar with this theme. i live it plenty.
thing is, i've had glimpses into the world of 'letting go.'
putting out what i need, living in a way that i need to live,
and letting people do what they do and not worrying about it.
and i know there's incredible freedom there.

there's a point where it turns from me needing people to be there
for certain reasons, to just gratitude that they're present.
that their presence, in whatever form is enough.

that's a powerful way to live life.
and one that gets lost to me over and over again when i get
tangled in my needs.

i find it interesting that now i feel that theme in so many of the stories.
now i'm watching it.
i must be ready to play around with this a bit.
i'm thinking i want to practice this as i go thru my days.
just letting people be where they need to be.
and leave my needs out of it.

cause as far as i can tell, almost all my needs are 'wants.'
very few are actual needs.
and the ones that really are needs can be filled.
there doesn't have to be a fear around that.

so if there doesn't have to be a fear, there doesn't have
to be a control, i can just be and so can everyone else.

so if i was zelda, i could turn to my friend, tell her she's missing out
on one powerful journey, it'd be cool if she was there. we could help
each other thru it.....and then i could let it go and let the friend disappear
if she chose that. i could feel some sense of sadness if she ran, but
it wouldn't be overwhelming. i would understand that i'm okay and that
my friend must do what she must do.

it doesn't sound that hard.
i could do that. i could.
well......on the surface.
not for real.
cause there would be hurt there.
i'd take it personally.
and it would hurt.

that's not doing it.

i guess that's the key..........seeing it's not personal.
it's their deal.

which reminds me of a bone sigh........

maybe grace is figuring out it's not all about you.
that people are doing what they're doing
for their own reasons.
not yours.
and maybe grace is accepting that.

and i can just imagine really really living that would be such grace
as well.

and yet another amazing woman!

speaking of incredible women and links to check out.......

if you're not familiar with this woman, you really need to be.
she is truly one of the most generous souls i have ever met.

she gives and gives and gives.

the world needs her.

and we need to support her!!!

she has an etsy site i'd love for you to check out, bookmark
and keep in mind when you need gifts!

she's always the first in line to give more than she has to help
someone else out.

and i am so lucky to call her friend.

check out the labyrinth of life etsy shop!

monika and christa

there are times i am in complete awe of the women who surround me.

sometimes they bring me to my knees.

this is one of those times.

i have two different blogs i want to share from two different women.

one is from christa, who i've shared before.
i am delighted to say that i'll be meeting this woman in person next month.
i feel so incredibly lucky to be able to say that.

at the end of her blog she says that she writes and teaches about
compassion, truth and wisdom.

she just puts that right out there like she like oranges, apples and bananas.
i smiled when i read that line.
cause, my gosh, does she ever.

her blog is a response to congressman akin.
and much more.

you can find it here.

and then there's monika.
a woman i have met in 'real life' who's strength and beauty stun me.

she lost her son to suicide.
after he came back from the war.

she has just begun a blog in honor of her son, ryan.

the emotions were so mixed when i saw her blog.

i am so proud of her for doing this, and so pleased it will be out
there for us. we need the awareness, and others will need to find
it for support.

and i'm so incredibly sad that she carries this pain with her every moment
of every day.

i wish i had some kinda answer that sugar coated all this stuff.
some kinda theory of a grand plan we don't understand.
i don't tho.
i see horrible pain and am baffled at how we survive it, and amazed
at the love and wisdom i see come out of it. monika is a shining
example of what i'm calling 'the mystery of life' right now.
the light in the darkness.

about the only thing i have learned in watching the life stories
that i watch is that the act of reaching out and doing something for
others with our pain changes us, changes others, changes our world.
and somehow, healing begins to take place.

and it is when we don't reach out, when we curl inward, when we
recoil from the light, choose to stay in the darkness, and never reach
out to others, something far worse than dying takes place...it's a shriveling
of the soul that brings shivers to my depths and such sorrow when i witness it.

these women are the other end of that.
monika and christa teach me over and over again what it means to live.

you can find monika's blog here.

bowing to you both and thanking you.

a josh technique

we were sitting around talking of where he wanted to go,
what he wanted to do and josh pulled out what he called
one of his favorite pieces of advice.

i was curious. what would it be.
turned out i had never heard it before.
and turned out the timing was really good for me as well.

i'll be workin' on trying this, so i thought i'd share it here too!

he called it something like 'the nine lives technique.'
something like that.

if you're trying to figure out what you want to do, where you want
to go....what you want to be when you grow up (which many of us
try to figure out for a long long long time....) you write out nine
different scenarios of dream lives you'd like.

the idea is that if you try to do just one, you're gonna get stuck,
and locked in, worried about picking just the right thing.
but if you roll with nine, you can really get to free flowing.and
different things will repeat, themes will come out, and you can
see a whole lot when you look at them all together.

i thought that was such a great idea!

i'm thinking i may be sitting down trying it and so i thought i'd
toss it here for others to play with!

thank you, josh!

first round with the webbing

i had my first chance to work with 'the webbing.'
(if that makes no sense, check out  a blog i wrote  a few posts down.}

i wondered how i'd do. when it would happen and how would i know....

and here it was.

something was going on and i was feeling uncomfortable.
tight. wanting to close. squirming kinda.

so i stopped myself.
what's up, ms. ter? what are you reacting to? why are you feeling like this??

and bam!
the answer hit me.
(maybe all we have to do is ask??? and maybe we'll know???)

and i knew some of my buttons from the past were being pushed.

ohmygosh.
this is the webbing, i told myself.

this is your chance.

can you do it? can you separate it?

and so i figured out what was the webbing......what were the things
that were making me squirm and why. and i could clearly see the webbing.

now.
what's really goin' on? i asked myself.

not what it feels like at all.
i knew that.
i could see that.

so respond to what's really going on, lady.

and i did!
i actually, truly, honestly did!!!!

and the webbing fell to the ground.

now.
nothing's ever that easy in my world.
if you're gonna get practice, you're gonna get some real practice.

so i did good.
inside i was rejoicing like you wouldn't believe.
ha! i've found a life changer! this is going to change my whole life!
ha! i was feeling so good.

and it was really good for ohhhhhhhhh about half an hour.

and then........again...........stuff that was making me uncomfortable.
huh???

wait a minute.
i did it. i'm done. everything's sposed to be smooth now.

nope.

uncomfortable.

okay.
look at it, ter.
look at it.
is it more webbing????

and so i looked.

and get this!
it WASN'T!

it wasn't buttons.
it wasn't past stuff that was really going on.

it was stuff that wasn't okay.
just because it wasn't okay.
no history, no threads.
just not okay stuff that needs pointing out.

hard in its own way, because i have to stop and say 'hey, this isn't okay.'
never an easy thing for me to do.
but having looked and seen it's not my own personal stuff gettin' in the way,
it was easier.

and so i said it wasn't okay. explained why.
and the person totally agreed and understood and stopped.

and THEN things got smooth.

wow.

i know this is going to take a lifetime of practice.
i know i won't get it down how i really really want to.
but my first spin with it?
rocked!
totally totally rocked!

and i do believe this is stuff that is going to change my life for the better.
for the way way better.

a car ride home

it was during the drive home.
it was late, dark, cozy.

the day had been magnificent.
never have we had anyone fit in so well with our family.
every single one of us was as comfortable with him as if
we had grown up with him.

how odd to think he had flown all the way around the world
to be sitting in our car.

there had been laughter, serious talk, goofin, and just enjoyment.

and now as we traveled down the highway, with the lights in the
night, the conversation wrapped around the inside of the car with
such beauty that my heart couldn't stop smiling.

i honestly thought 'this is what all the work has been for. this is the
reward for all the efforts. this is what a mom shoots for.'

i listened to my sons supporting each other and their friend.
it wasn't a conversation about just one of them. everyone got a turn.
naturally. it just kinda flowed to the next one and then the next.
and everyone spoke of their passions and what was underneath them.

and when one spoke, everyone else listened and then supported and
shared their thoughts of that person's gifts.

these are guys we're talkin' about.
brothers and a guy they had really just met the nite before.
and the talking from the heart just poured out.
no one would have believed it.
and it couldn't have happened with anyone else there witnessing.
and yet......i got to see it.
and i knew what i was seeing was so incredible.

there's something about a car at nite.
talking in a car at nite.
there's something about this group.
there was something about that day.

and i got to be in it.........i got to live it.

talk about gratitude.
when i'm having a tough day,i'm gonna pull out this memory
and hold it. because it fills me with gratitude and reminds me
that life is worth the work.

it is sooo worth it.

so cool

i'm pretty sure i posted the story when i figured it out.
but it's one worth repeating......and there's a reason...

years and years ago, i was claiming my room for myself
and really trying to make it mine. after splitting up, it sort
of had an inbetween feeling. i wanted it to be mine.

i got on a site that has a gazillion artists......i mean, a gazillion.
and i searched thru a million gazillion prints not knowing what i wanted,
but sure i'd know it when i found it. (the site is called redbubble
and it's a wonderful site to check out!)

sure enough.
i found it.
ordered it.
dropped the artist a note.
told him how much i loved it, how i knew it when i saw it.
and thanked him.

the artist wrote a note back, thanking me. my note to him gave
him some encouragement he really needed and helped nudge him
in a way he needed.

years pass.
years.

meanwhile, my son, noah, had been more and more active on
the photorgraphy sites. one of the photographers he met became
an online friend. a guy from australia.

they've been friends for years. he's a household name here.
eventually i friended him on facebook and would comment here
and there with him. he had a pretty amazing story, having made it
thru one heck of a dark time. one day i wrote him and asked
him for more of his story. we shared some good notes.
he's totally inspiring.

so one day on face book, i do a shout out for anyone who's an
artist over at the red bubble site. tell them i'll share their links on facebook.
several people pop their links over, including noah's friend here,
andrew.

i list the links and go over to check everyone's work out.
and as i'm browsing thru andrew's stuff, i see the print i had
ordered YEARS AGO!!!!!!! the one hanging in my room!!!

i can't believe it. i am stunned.
it was andrew?!!!! noahs's buddy???????
out of five million gazillion artists i picked him and didn't know it??????
and all these years he's been a household name and we didn't know???

when i write him and tell him, he's equally as stunned.
and he tells me he still remembers my note and how it came at a pivotal
time for him! and he's as blown away as i am.

it's a great story and we love it.

but there's more........
he's here right now!
sleeping at this point.

he came from australia! he was touring around and wanted to stop
and see noah.

and there's something just completely magical about the whole deal.
the excitement about this guy coming has been great.
i have been thrilled he's staying.
which is odd in itself as we don't have any room here, there's no ac
here for him, it's in the middle of the summer....it's just not an ideal
set up..........and yet.....it feels perfect.

it honestly feels like he's part of the family.
last nite as we had dinner with him, it was so easy and so fun.

he feels like he's a part of the family that was missing and we found.

how often do you get to say that????

honestly, i never felt this way before.

they'll be doing all the touring and guy things.......
but i get to have a day with them all.
talk about a gift.

a mysterious beautiful gift.

there is something so magical about this.
and it reminds me of all the funky cool magical things in our lives.
we just so gotta pay attention.

and to think i may never have known if i didn't do that shout out
for artists.......

reaching out, caring, paying attention.........those things matter.
how cool is that?!

the stinkin' process...

i don't know when or where i picked up the phrase 'trust the process'
but it's one that once i picked up, i have never put down.

and i am forever reminding people struggling to do just that.
trust the process.
but i'm not sure how much i've really thought about just exactly
what that means.

this morning as i made my bed and thought about a completely and
totally frustrating encounter i had, i had to smile. truly, it was almost
comical it was soooooo frustrating.

and somewhere in there i saw that it was all part of the process.
i really saw it.
and i was completely okay with that.

what it did for me was give me the understanding that this 'frustrating
moment from hell' was not the thing to concentrate on. that there
indeed were a few glimmers of good stuff that came out of it that will
be good down the road, that it was just a natural occurrence in a
long road of occurrences, and that it didn't define a darn thing.

and i think that 'defining' part is big for me.

can't tell you how often i've reacted to something that feels
negative as 'this is it! this is how it is. this is how it will always be.
and i don't want this.'

that reaction creates a lot of fear.

there's some song that i have heard a million times where the guy
sings something about moving in tune with what he fears.
for the longest time i thought he said 'hears' instead of 'fears.'
when i finally heard the word fears, my head swung around in
the direction of the music. almost like the guy would be standing there......
my eyes got big, i looked at the spot where the singer should be
standing and i thought 'FEARS! ohmygosh........he moves with the fears!
THE FEARS! that's me!' and then i settled down and tried to
listen to the song closer cause that changed everything.

and yeah......fear changes everything.

i think that's the whole point with trusting the process.
if you trust it, you are NOT moving to the fears.
you are trusting and watching and living your way thru things.

i guess that's all obvious stuff.
of course that's what 'trust the process' means, terri.

so how come it's taken me ten years to just really hold it, feel it,
live it for the moment, and really see how awesome it is?
ahhhhh..........maybe because understanding is also a process........
and the understanding will get deeper and deeper as the process continues.

kinda cool.

pulling the webs off the arrows

this one feels way big to me.
like i've got it in my heart this time, not just my head.
like i understand it in a clear way for the first time.
and i so want to share it -

i'm sure this has come out in different ways as i've gone along here.
but yesterday, when i was figuring it out, i could CLEARLY see
how important this is.

now, bear with my visual, okay?
i realize there's prolly a better one out there.....but this is what came
to me yesterday.

picture the hurts you get from people you love like arrows.
they do something to hurt - zing! in goes an arrow.

now, no one wants an arrow shot into them.
it hurts.
but if we understand that the person who shot the arrow
loves us and that they didn't mean to hurt us -
if we truly believe that -
then we can pull the arrow out, talk about the hurt, and move on.

for me - there's some very deep stuff from the past that gets mixed in
with the present hurts.

i called that past stuff, webbing.
and i pictured this really really thick spider web stuff just hangin'
outside me all round me. it's poisonous stuff. and now, if an arrow
gets shot into me, it goes thru that webbing and brings some of that
webbing with it and goes right on in me along with the arrow.

and THAT is more than just an arrow you can pull out.
it's a poisonous puncture that if left unattended can kill things.
and if you get too many of those, it will for surely kill things.

it comes from the webbing of the past.
it has nothing to do with the arrow of the present.

i saw this yesterday big time.
i know this happens to me - that yes, there are some arrows
that slip thru the webbing and are no big deal.
but then there are other arrows that snag good chunks of the web
and land inside of me.

here's the thing - what i want in life - the stuff i really want to grab
and grow into - just absolutely has no room for past stuff that doesn't
matter anymore.

and maybe, maybe.............juuuuuuuuust maybe..........i'm ready to
understand that and get rid of the webbing.

now.
how?
how the heck does one get rid of that stuff?

i haven't a clue.
but i think i'm ready to try.
for years and years now i have been workin' on separating hurts
from the past with my present. it's something i have been consciously
aware of. but to be honest - i'm not sure i really wanted to be totally
rid of them.

let's face it - it sure looks like hanging on to some of that stuff can
protect us. it looks that way, feels that way.
i haven't been ready to put it completely down. i haven't wanted
to totally release it.

until now.

i'm pretty sure i'm ready.
i say that and figure something will come up that will convince that
i'm not! but today....this morning........i'm ready.

because i saw the open heart i want, the love i want to live in and with,
the complete openness to life that i want to embrace is just stuck unless
i do this.

it's not for a certain relationship with someone, it's not so that i handle
hurts better, it's not to improve my love life - altho all that has got to
go along with it - and i'm all for all of that! but it's for a way bigger
reason - it's for the way i want to live my life...for the way i want to
open and trust.....i can't get there without gettin' rid of this webbing.

and i see that clearly now.

i don't so clearly see what i'm sposed to do.
but i'm not even worried about that.
i believe the training that i've been in for the last ten years of just
trying to live real, figure myself out and work on being in the present
has all got me ready to give this a go.

and i'm gonna lean in that and trust in that.

it truly feels like a journey that i've been building up to.
and i'm ready to follow.

and i cannot tell you how excited i am about this.
i so wanted to share.

i'm sure there will be future blogs about my fumbling attempts at pulling
off webbing from arrows and getting hopelessly tangled in it all!
but that's okay, isn't it? cause it's all part of the journey.....

sam, joan, gustav and zelda

i've got a story i just typed out to a friend. it's one of my favorites that i pull out of my
pocket at certain moments and i thought i'd share it here!

the names and whole scenario have been changed to protect the innocent.

sam and joan were working hard to take care of some people that they loved.
they were in crisis and sam and joan wanted to help them and be there for them
until they could get strong.

thing is, sam and joan never really thought thru the help.
they just ran in and started doing everything that needed doing.
not realizing that they weren't allowing the people to stand up and find their
strength.

it was done out of love. (or so they thought) (that whole concept fascinates me....
if the other people aren't really seen, is it love?? ahhhh...that's a whole 'nother blog)

at some point, sam and joan began to live a life of walking on egg shells around one
particular person, zelda.  zelda seemed particularly fragile and sam and joan were afraid if
they did the wrong thing, if they upset her, zelda would have a break down.

eggshells were walked upon over and over. and zelda got more and more into her own
world, shutting out the rest of the world, doing nothing but sitting and watching tv
and sleeping.

sam and joan were getting pretty frazzled, and finally decided to take a weekend off
and go for a little trip with their wise and wonderful friend, gustav.

they found a beautiful overlook on the drive, pulled over and sat in the grass,
gazing at the view and talking. sam was telling gustav of his worries of zelda.
gustav could see that sam and joan were worn out and trying hard. he listened quietly
and patiently.

when finally sam said that he couldn't leave and go back to his own life because
zelda would have a break down, gustav looked him in the eye and asked one little
question. one little word of a question.

gustav asked 'so?'

'so?'

sam looked at gustav.
'so?' he repeated.

"so?' gustav said again.
so she has a break down? so?

that was it.

and that one tiny little word changed joan's life forever.

suddenly she saw that maybe it'd be fine if zelda had a break down.
that zelda had her own path to follow and figure out. and it wasn't hers
or sam's. that they could be there in healthy ways, but that this wasn't
healthy for any of them.

suddenly it became clear to her.

break downs were okay, cause sometimes you needed to have them.
and sometimes you got close enough to having one that you pull yourself
into whatever direction needed following.

that there is no running the show for anyone else.
that joan couldn't even run her own show  for her own self smoothly.
why on earth did she think she understood anyone else's deal??

sam and joan did end up going back to their own lives. and it was hard.
there was a lot of pressure not to. the people didn't like the feeling of change
and abandonment that they were feeling and they let that be known.

and yet.....there was no breakdown.
things moved on.
and life continued.

i do believe, for me, that's the first story i ever got about doing what's right for
you and letting other people do what's right for them.

so much harder than we think.
and so much healthier than we know.

light and salami

it was one of those moments that....well......sucked.
it hurt, felt lousy, hit old stuff and felt like was a pattern
that just wouldn't go away.

the walls came up fast and feelings were closed.

it wasn't long after that when i saw someone's comment on the blog
i wrote about offering light to the world. which made me think
of that whole idea - the idea of reaching in and finding your light
and offering it to the light all around.

and i saw how that's the last thing i wanted to do.
i didn't want to reach in and offer anything out.
i not only didn't want to, i felt like i couldn't.

'oh great,' i thought, 'so this isn't gonna be something you can really do,
is it?'

cause it seems like working with stuff in the harder moments really matters.

and i thought about it for a minute.
now wait a minute.
just a minute.

i know one person who really needs that light really bad right now.

me.

i really need it.
in fact, it would be total kindness if someone gave it to me right now.

i knew i could do that much at least.
and it felt important to do it.
for two reasons - one was that it felt important not to shut the light out.
that felt real important - to remember it and actually work with it.
and two - i needed some. i really needed some.

so i did.
only it was harder than i had imagined.

my head kept wanting to go to the anger and hurt and frustration.
i'd have to wrestle it quiet and stop it and try to offer some light.

i had a vague visual i was working with, but it was when i finally reached
for the stars inside me and started laying stars on myself, that i felt like i got it.

the stars! i had worked with that visual ages ago. it was totally about the
light inside of me.

all thru the nite as i tossed and turned, i'd lay a star on myself.
at one point i took this gigantic one and just pressed it over my head like
you'd do to someone with a pillow. i smiled. and decided smaller ones
were prolly better.

little bits at a time.

what stands out for me thru this, and what it is i want to offer is -
while i felt so closed and unable to offer something in a way that i ultimately
want to, i could still offer it to myself. and that was harder than i realized
it would be.

and i'm thinking that matters a ton.
and that's where we need to start anyway.

i'm not sure if my dad's 'salami technique' is what is going on - but it feels
like maybe and made me laugh when i thought of that.

he used to describe a salami and you slice it in little slices and you deal
with it little slice at a time. and he'd grin and talk about how you can tackle
anything with the salami technique.

maybe offering light is the same way.
light and salami.
who knew?

ahhhhhh, the rain.........

it's raining.
it's pouring.
and it's gone on for more than three minutes.

and i can't stop watching it.

we've been really dry here.
there's been rain hitting the area a bit here and there,
but we seem to be a little pocket that's missed it all.
any time we've gotten any, it's been for just a couple of minutes
and then it stops. and that's only been a couple of times.

it's almost heartbreaking to watch it come in and leave like that.

several times i've wondered what it would be like to be a farmer,
just standing there looking for the rain that doesn't come.

and this morning - it's pouring.

i listen to the sound, watch it bouncing up and down on the street,
and feel the relief of finally seeing water.

it's been one heck of a summer. intensely hot, intensely dry,
and at this point feeling like it's gone on forever.

i stood there watching that rain thinking about that.
thought about some of the stuff that goes on in my life that feels
like this summer stretch.....just long and hard with little tiny spots
of relief that leave before they get a chance to get started.

oh yes. we know those stretches well.

and then finally........oh so finally.........it breaks.
and we can feel the pouring in of another feeling.
the incredible relief that whatever's been hovering around us and in us
has moved on.

it happens. those stretches do end.
and this morning the rain is such a gorgeous reminder of that.

magnificence floating all around...

i had been toyin' around with the thought i blogged about yesterday all day.
(see post below) it was a good day to toy with it as i was doing
the kinda work you could ponder while you worked.

i kept thinking about just offering love - no strings attached.
no control mixed in. no control, just offering.

i was NOT thinking about gratitude.
sometimes i will and i'll focus on that.
that wasn't on my mind.......but interestingly enough, it was showing
up pretty strong.

three different times, after an email or a call from my guy, i paused and
thought 'THIS is what i love about this guy.' and i could feel the gratitude
running thru me. at one point he made me laugh like no one else can. and
i could feel myself just rejoicing in him.

i found this happening with my sons as well.
there were points in the day where i totally delighted in them or
just held in my heart their goodness. each one of them hit my heart with
gratitude in some form. and i could feel it thru the laughter or just the
quiet holding.

it was the stuff that stopped you and you had to just feel cause it
was all over you.

it was just happening. i wasn't focusing on it.
it was just there all over the place.

and then i got an order.
the largest shop order i've ever gotten from any shop ever.
and it was from one of my favorite shop owners.
we've seen each other thru some hard times together and have always
looked out for each other. we have truly been a team. and there
have been some pretty small orders along the way. and we just kept
pluggin' away. this one took my breath away.

it's been a hard year business-wise.
this was a tremendous boost in spirit.

and if i could have picked anyone to call in that order, it would have been her.
she lives the whole concept of offering and letting it go. of loving for the sake of
love. she reminds me of the things that matter.

i sat back and wondered about the day.
was it all just random?
or did it all relate?

all my friends would say of course it related.
i would have agreed in a heartbeat years ago.
i've been a bit worn down tho, and i'm not as quick to nod now.
i've noticed that.

but maybe that's a good thing.
cause maybe it means more to me if it's not just a quick nod.
if it's a sitting back and wondering thing.

i don't think it's random.
i think it does relate.
altho i think it's changed inside of me a bit.
maybe the angle has shifted a tad.

it's not a reward for living right.
somewhere along the line i twisted a lotta stuff into that.
then i freaked out when i realized what i had done,
threw everything down in a panic
and refused to pick beliefs up again as i was afraid i'd do the same
twisting thing all over again.

i've been slow to pick things back up again...
i've been watching and wondering.

i think there's a place to stand inside yourself.
it's a place of love.
not control.
it's a place of release and trust.

and i think when we stand there, we are standing in 'a flow.'

and i use 'a flow' because that's what it feels like.
i'm not fighting the current anymore. i'm not fighting anything anymore.

and the not fighting has a magnificence all of its own.

other than that......i don't know what i think.
but i have noticed that when i do that, i feel different and my days feel different.

and the difference is something that feels way right.
the difference has the magnificence mixed right into it.

and it's hard not to feel good when you've got magnificence floating all around you.

funny thing about this thought....i'm guessin' it's there always.
the magnificence.
i think it's probably there always.....
and that in itself is enough to knock me sideways.

uncovering the choice....uncovering the light

i kind of knew it...
yeah, i knew it.
but i hadn't really said it out loud.

and i don't know what it is, but there's such power in saying things out loud.

i heard myself saying it and i understood how far in i had stepped.
and i understood it was too far in to turn around and go back,
and it wasn't far enough in to feel confident i'd find my way out.

and i'm thinking it's the journey of my fifties.

the forties got me here.
maybe the fifties will allow me to work with it.......

the understanding that good doesn't always win,
that really bad things happen that i can't change,
that no matter how hard i try, sometimes it's not mine to fix.
and that all of that is what it is.
and in my acceptance of that,
my offerings become even more authentic and real.
and i learn to truly love for the sake of loving and not for the
sake of changing anything.

i learn to let go of controlling the universe
and i learn to step into all that i am
and i learn to offer with no strings attached.

whew.
i don't know.
seems like this might be the journey of my fifties, sixties,
seventies, eighties, nineties, hundreds.....next life times..........

this is big stuff.

when i journeyed inward a week or two ago,
i could glimpse this stuff. i could see it.
i could see that 'love' was so beyond my understanding -
that there was such mystery involved and so much more
than i could grasp.

but then i turn back to my days and i lose it.
i feel low on the empathy and resilience.

i would guess that's a sure sign of not letting go and stepping
into the mystery.

mystery.

what the heck does that mean?
life is mystery?

what the heck does that mean???

it means i don't have all the answers,
things don't go the way i'd pick for them to go,
that darkness overpowers the light at times,
but somehow light appears if we let it.

somehow light appears if we let it.

that's mystery to me.
how it does that.
where it comes from.

that spot it comes from, that's mystery to me.

i've always kinda said my job is to grow the light inside me.
grow my candle flame.

maybe there's just a little bit of a slant on that which makes a big
difference........maybe it's not to grow my candle flame....grow
my light......

maybe it's simply to offer that light inside me with no other intent but
to be part of the mysterious light that is all around us.

wow.
maybe that's it.

maybe in doing that - really really doing that - letting go and allowing
the mystery and just offering - maybe that uncovers the light that's
inside me.

might make me feel like i'm growing my light.
but there's nothing to grow.

just everything to be.
and it's all right there already.

maybe the mystery lives inside of us as well.
grow it or not........that's not the choice.
offer it freely or cover it with control......maybe that's the choice.

you gotta start with yourself...

life's a darn yo yo.
or maybe i just haven't been strong enough lately to ride
the bumps smoother so that i'm forever goin' up and down up and down.

i wouldn't say i'm up and i wouldn't say i'm down right now.
i'm right in the middle on that yo yo string. not sure which way i'm
headin' - up or down.

kinda depends on what i do with my mood this morning.

and since the next thing on my list is exercise, i have hope for headin'
up the string.

in yet another attempt to go up, i grabbed my angel cards.
my eyes got big when i pulled the word 'power.'

that's a good one.
ter, remember the power inside of you.

i flipped open the book to read what she had to say about it, and
she talks of 'the three major aspects of spiritual energy in your own life' -
resilience, empathy and grace.

resilience, empathy and grace.

wow....i didn't know it, but as soon as i read those three words i woulda
told you that i feel a bit low on all three of them.

wow.
the words really hit.
i wonder if there were three other words would i have felt like my tank
was low on them? i tried a few out. yeah, maybe....i don't know.......they
just didn't hit like these did. i guess i could add other words. but there's
some magic in these three.

no wonder life feels like a yo yo.

so how do you refill your tank with these things?

and for me, an answer came quickly......you gotta start with yourself, ter.
what you're not giving yourself is wearin' on you and you're having trouble
offering it elsewhere.......and it's emptyin' your tank.

gosh that feels right.
you gotta start with yourself.

pickin' up the choices

the cold water was flowing over me.
it felt so so so good to cool down.

it's too warm to sleep around here, let alone exercise.
yet i had gotten some of both in and felt good about that.

as the coolness soaked in my veins, i thought of the choices
life pushed me into.

i wouldn't exercise if i didn't need to.
i'd sleep late and eat a lot and be lazy.
but the thing is, that feels cruddy. to feel good, i gotta watch
what i eat and move around a bit. it's not really a choice.

if i want this, i gotta do that.

i thought of my work.
it's been so challenging lately.
finally tho, it hit a new level of challenging and THAT is what
has forced me outta my box. finally, finally, i'm doing things i need
to do that i wouldn't have done if not pushed. and it actually feels
good somewhere deep under it all.

it's another 'if i want this, i gotta do that.'
if i want to eat, well, then i gotta make this work.

as i dried off, i kept thinking about choices. even just how we approach
things is a choice - our attitudes we bring to the table.

it was good timing as i came down to my computer and a group email
exchange i was doing with two others. and i had to laugh, i was the only
one having a good time with it.

i noticed and thought about choices.
i think i can pull it off today......you know, pay attention.
and make good ones. it seems to be resting in my mind in a good way today.

i want to stop whining and grumbling and start thinking 'okay, this is a choice,
what do i do now?' that truly changes everything.

i know that. but haven't been doing it lately.
actually, i've been doin' a whole lot of whining lately.
that gets old.

putting the whining down and pickin' up the choices.
great way to start the week!

workin' with it this morning....

so, okay........it really seems like it's been 2012 the year of challenges.

say that in a deep voice.....try it again.....in your deepest voice -

2012 THE YEAR OF CHALLENGES

sigh.

well, i guess i'm still hoping it'll be 2012 the HALF year of challenges
and turn itself right around. but i'm thinking we've passed the half way point,
haven't we???

yet another sigh.

i woke up this morning feelin' pretty cruddy about something that popped up.
cruddy enough it required a call to my guy at work. i don't usually do that.
his schedule is packed and i don't like to make him stop for stuff that can wait.
so the fact that i called meant i wasn't dealin' so well.

he gave me plenty of time and talked me thru stuff, and i so appreciated it.
but apparently, there are times when it doesn't matter what people say,
it's one of those 'coming from within' things you gotta find.

and i wasn't finding it.

but lately i've taken to turning to this angel card thing i have.
and yeah, i know.......
is she kidding????
i'm laughing here.
no.
i'm not kidding.
these have been wonderful for me lately.

the book that accompanies the deck of cards is written really beautifully.
a friend gave me these a few years back. i believe her friend is the creator
of the pack and book.

i had remembered that they always seemed to hit right when i pulled a card,
so last week, in the middle of feeling like i was sinking, i pulled them out again.
and the card i pulled hit so right, i've been doing them every day since.

they seem to hit the 'within' buttons for me and get my own juices rolling.
and they did that yet again.

challenges, and change and growth came up thru it all.

oh yeah. i nodded.
oh yeah.

but see.......what happened was before i picked up that deck i knew all that.

i knew all that and was tired of it all.
i mean one can get weary, ya know???

but when i put down the deck i wasn't so tired of it all.
i got inspired yet again.

and i understood......even if it's just for a few moments here.......
that this is all good stuff.
the challenges and change and growth....it's all good stuff.

i thought of my friend who wrote yesterday saying he had to examine
why he resisted change so much. i wrote him back tellin' him i was
no big fan myself.

because it takes work, darn it. and it's not like we really see the big
shiny prize at the end. we just kinda try to hold on to some general
vague 'it's good for us' thing......

but it's not as vague as we think it is.

last nite i had to proof read one of the poetry books i put together years ago
(we're making it into an e-book!!) so i sat and read every poem in there.
and i was stunned at all the inner work i've done over the years.
wow. each page brought back what i was working on and going thru........

sitting back when i was all done, i could see how far i've traveled.

it's not a vague 'it's good for us' thing.......
just sit back and look at how far you've come and how much you've grown.
it's one heck of a shiny prize right there.
and there's more and more of those prizes.

and this is the way to get there.
and when you're sittin' in a whole whoppin' sea of growth and change
and challenges......well, it's gonna be a lot easier if you work with it instead
of against it.

so today - at least for today - i'm working with it.
and i'm believer - it's all taking me to where i want to go.

elise and her blog

had to share! elise's story of the teacher - so many of us know this one........
and the beauty of elise finally letting herself out! oh yes!
go check this out!

laughing and thinking and trying some more

the thinking went like this -

he's a guy. he has this issue to deal with. he's dealt with
it forever with me, we've made progress, there's probably some
logical guy line he tells himself to keep an eye on this stuff.

it seemed like a normal, logical thought in my head.

so i asked him - 'do you have some logical guy thing you say to
yourself to help you in seeing me in our relationship?'

and i just so wasn't ready for the look on his face. and there was
this pause and he turned to me with that look and he said
'did you just ask me if there's one sentence out there that explains women??'

between his look, the pause, the question, the tone, i just curled into laughter.
then he proceeded to list all the houses in all the cool places of the world we'd
have if he had that answer.

'i really don't get it. all this stuff makes sense to women.' i said, still kinda
chuckling.

there must have been some pent up energy here because his response was
'exactly!' and he went on to describe the different males of the world who wanted
this sentence i'm looking for. he got carried away and somehow i was hearing about
bulgarian men and men from places i can't even remember.

i started laughing all over again.

and then i seriously asked him what he did to see me.
and he seriously answered 'i work on it all the time.'

which was cool.
but then that was followed by things like 'all the time.' 'over and over again.'
'constantly'......this kinda stuff. which i'm not getting exactly right, but that's
what it sounded like to me.

my eyebrow went up -'okay, that's not feeling so great.'

it was his response that really got me - 'why? you do too.'

i stopped laughing and thought about it.
yeah.
it was true.
we both work on this stuff constantly.
and actually, for the amount of work we put into it, you'd think we'd be pros
by now. but oh my.........we are sooooooo not.

and we both get it's something we're always going to have to work on.

and as intuitive and touchy feely as i can be, i miss so much just exactly because
he is a guy. and he's so different than me. it's a double whammy. our thought
processes are completely different. and so many times i try to figure him out
thru my own my thought processes.

and that just doesn't work.

this is such a great topic to be rolling around in my brain lately.
cause it's not just with him.
it's with everyone........

you'd think it wouldn't be that hard to remember everyone isn't wandering around
with the same thought processes. you'd think that'd be a no brainer that we'd all
be understanding and working with.

yeah. well. i have a little more work to do on this area.....with my guy, and with
everyone around me.

but what an absolutely cool thing to work on!
listening. hearing. seeing. and accepting.

kinda awesome, really.