it's about fifteen  minutes of a watch......

i loved it.
just loved it.

grab some tea sometime and check it out......

totally inspirational!

listening

i caught a cold.
or it caught me.
and since i plan on sleeping in as late as i can,
i thought i'd post tonite.

and maybe it's because i have cold medicine in me
and have read the news, that i had some thoughts in the shower
that i wanted to share.

it feels to me like there's so much noise.
so much talking at, arguing with, yelling about...
that there's very little real listening and real sharing going on.

of course, that could be the cold medicine talking.
cause it seemed louder tonite than usual.

but i got to thinking about that in the shower.
and i thought of a recent conversation i had with someone
i respect deeply, and i thought of the listening and sharing
that happened in that conversation.

it wasn't the listening and sharing of people who came from
things the same way. i think when you get that combination,
a lotta times we think we're listening, when in fact we're just
agreeing and only paying half attention.

but when you don't know if you agree or not,
when you're not sure what the other person is thinking and
want to find out, when you care about their thoughts and when
you really share......there's something incredibly beautiful about that.

and i realized it could happen because of the mutual respect
that was alive between us.

that led me into thinking about respect.
and how it feels like there's not a lot of respect out there for
each other.

not necessarily saying there should be.
just saying there seems to be a great lack of it.

no wonder no one's listening.

how do we get the respect back?
how to we gain it ourselves?
how do we give it?

how do we grow respect?
does anyone even care to?

what else drives the non-listening?
fear?
need for control?
self esteem needs?

there's so much to it all.

i thought of my immediate family.
the people i respect most of all.
i know their hearts and respect them deeply.
i want to hear them and learn from them.

and while i have all the respect in the world,
i forget the appreciation from time to time.
and i forget to listen.
and i lose so much at those times.

listening.
it's on my mind these days.
and i'm thinking it's way important.
and i wonder how we grow it.....

intentions

it's the second time something really cool happened with something icky.
and it's got me REALLY thinking.

a friend shared a picture on fb with me yesterday.
it was a picture of my quote on someone else's product.

and yes, this someone else KNEW it was my quote and i had
already talked to them about taking it down. it was blatant stealing.

so there was ick there for me.
and all those feelings yet again.

and i wasn't sure how to feel when i saw that the picture had a whole ton of
likes and shares!

i mean, really.......is that a good thing or a bad thing??? sigh.
definitely a mixed thing.

i wanted to comment right on the photo and say it was mine and they stole it.
but you know........that just sounds bad no matter how you say it.
honestly, snarky doesn't go far. and i couldn't figure out how to word it
without it being snarky. and i felt snarky.

my brilliant son suggested that i write privately to the fb page that posted it.

now why didn't i think of that?

now to be clear.....they are NOT the ones selling the product. they just
saw the picture of the product and shared it.

so there's two different people to deal with.
the people selling the work.....and the people sharing the work.

so i wrote to the people.
a nice note.
and i could tune into a nice place.
cause i knew they didn't know.
so i tuned into calmer energy. just being me.
just letting them know.
because most people care about that kinda thing and don't want to
be spreading stolen work.

(the website people are a different story for another blog.)

when i got a response from the fb people, it was very nice and
receptive and they totally wanted to correct the situation.

turns out the page is called 'i love being a mom'.
so i mentioned that i loved that as well.
and the notes went back and forth.
and it ends up that we'll be doing a bone sigh give away over on their
page. they have a huge network and it will end up giving us some nice
exposure. and we get to become part of the group!

we made a connection.

how amazing is this?!

okay.
this really really got me thinking.
because the last time this happened, the same thing happened......
i made a really cool connection - i made a friend.

i think last time i told myself i wanted to remember that and know that
this could happen.

but this time, i think i want to do even more than that.......
i think i want to make this an intention.

i think i want to INTENTIONALLY turn the ick around.
not hope to find the good in it......
but to make the good in it if at all possible.
to charge forward with complete intention of turning the negative
around!

when these things happen, a really bad feeling goes over me.
and while i don't think that bad feeling will go away next time
this happens, i do think i can turn to a different feeling....
one of 'okay, let's see what we can do with this in a positive way!'-
a challenge, and a move towards positive.

and i think that's a really cool idea.

now......some situations are gonna be harder than others.
i totally get that.
but! some are gonna be easier than others!

and i think this is an intention i can kinda smear all around my life.
really really push the good energy into places that could use it.
i have no idea what that means or how it will show up.
but i know what it looked like today.
and i know how it felt.

and i know i want to intentionally work on this.

for those of you who love being moms, you may like to go
check out the facebook page that started my new intention.
if you do stop by, tell them terri from bone sigh arts sent you.
it'll help spread the good energy!

gliding

there we sat talking about 'coasting.'
it had been on my mind.
i had been watching it around me,
and i was totally seeing how i didn't want to do it.

now.
to be clear -
i understand -
everyone coasts.
including me.

you know.....the living of life where you're not really living.
you're not thinking, you're not absorbing, you're coasting.

he mentioned how we all had to do that in parts of our lives
or we'd burn up. and yeah, i totally agree.

if we didn't coast about a ton of things, how would we survive?
to truly take it all in would be too much.

i get that.
but that's not what i'm talking about.

i'm talking about the areas in our lives where it's important for us
to pay attention....and yet, for many different reasons, we stop.

an easy example comes from parenting.
you think you know your kid.
you've lived with them long enough.
you know them.
so you stop looking.
and you assume.
you roll along on coast and forget to pay attention.
all the while changes and growth happening that you miss.

that happens all the time.
i've done it.
it's hard not to do it.

thing is.......catching ourselves is vital.

or you say something matters to you and you'll look into it.
you never quite get around to it, you just grab whatever you
hear in passing as the info you need, and you don't do the work
to find out anymore.

you coast.

that kinda thing.

so i've been watching some coasting around me.
and i've been thinking 'okay, ter, where are you coasting?
cause you really really don't want to do this in the areas of your life that matter.'

and so there we sat.
talking about coasting.
and i just filled with the feeling of it being something i wanted to pay attention to.

the next day found us in another conversation.
i was hurt by a friend not seeing me yet again.
and i asked him - 'does it just always happen sooner or later
that people forget who you are?'

and he brought up coasting.
he said he thought it had a lot to do with that.
how people stop looking.
stop taking in, being aware, paying attention.
they coast and you are whatever they want you to be.

'we really ought to call it gliding,' he said, 'since it seems to take a person downwards.'

that really really caught my attention.
no kidding.

by its very nature you stop going upward.
you stop growing.
you go downwards.

and yeah, we do it all the time.
which makes it all the more important to stop and ask ourselves -
where am i gliding? and am i going downward because of it?

on my mind these days....big time.

a new vid...

we've got a new vid up to share.
it's the story of how bone sigh arts happened....
and a reminder to follow your heart.

if you got some time and the inclination,
you can find it here.

noah's the guy who put it together.
he's really amazing!
thank you, noah and zakk as well for all your help!

sock puppet wisdom

it's a swirl of things.
just a whole big swirl.

maybe a lot of it started with the feeling of some friends not seeing me.
then there's the passive aggressive stuff jabbed here and there.
huh???
i made a conscious decision to step away from the passive aggressive.
what's it doin' here?
why is it here?

and then maybe all that made me start looking at me closer.
and then maybe in that closer look at me,
i started wondering and pondering.

art feels different to me.
like i'm lost and can't quite find me.

my reactions to things feel different.
like i don't always belong in the spaces i'm in.

i'm not in a panic.
it's different than that.
it's just a 'wow......something's goin' on.'
and yet, there's a real desire to have it resolved.

and so i grabbed the sock puppets i had made him.
and the sock puppets and i ended up having a therapy session.

who knew?
they're one heck of a tool for me!
we ended up having a great conversation.
with the bottom line kinda being to just go with the flow, watch
and trust.

the wisdom of the sock puppets.

i tried to tell him about it over dinner last nite.
i heard myself.
i was making no sense.
other than communicating that there's a whole big swirl inside of me.

i wondered about it.
when would i be able to make sense when talking about this?
when would i understand what's goin' on with me?

as i drove in the dark with the moon this morning,
i thought about the different stages of life.
i remember reading to the kids a book called 'walk when the moon
is full.' i remember the days we all gathered around books for
bedtime stories.....i smiled at the memories. i smiled at the moon.

i thought of all the different stages of life.......there's so many.

i know i'm entering a different one.
i knew that part.
i knew things would be different this year and there would be changes.

but i'm not sure i realized that the changes would be INSIDE me as well
as outside me.

i don't know what's happening.
and yet, i know something is stirring.
there's some frustration in not being able to direct it all at will,
and yet, there's some definite excitement in that as well.

and i think of the sock puppets and what them with the big button eyes
told me....go with the flow, watch and trust.

and so i'll try....

sharing

it was a day filled with magic from start to finish.

i noticed it right away with a story with a friend.
one of those woo-woo stories that you shake your head
in wonder at the magic of it all.

and then that magic just kept on rolling.

i watched it and delighted it in.
and i went with it.
i so totally went with it.
was one of the best days i've had in a long time.
and quite a contrast to the day before.
it felt good and i was grateful for that.

and then, just before closing down my computer,
i checked my mail. and there was a note from someone
mentioning my book 'fabric of her dancing shoes.'
she mentioned a page number.

curious, i grabbed the book to see what was on that page.

i smiled.
it was exactly what i needed to read.
EXACTLY.

of course.

i wanted to share it here......

it's a 'message' i got one nite years ago while taking a shower.
yeah. showers are a magical place for me and many cool thoughts
come thru there. never tho had i gotten one as long as this or as definite as this.
i still remember when it happened. i was filled with this message.
i got right out and wrote it down.

"there is stuff going on that i cannot comprehend and don't need to.
the parts i can see scare me because they threaten me in some of my
most vulnerable spots.

drop the fear.
i am loved beyond anything i can imagine.
it's a love that's beyond us, that surrounds us, that is inside of us.

being loved is something that exists in spades and there's no need to fear
the lack of that. i do not need to see it manifested around me in particular
people.

it's there.
see it or not.

i need to know that in my bones. trust it, and offer myself with a full
and open heart to this stuff that's going on that i can't comprehend.

if i don't trust it, i will find myself in fear.

when i'm in fear, i wont' be able to open the way i'm needed to open right now.

so trust is vital.
an open heart is vital right now.

give it and you will not regret it.

give it and you will give life.
give it and you will get life."
----

wow.
i really needed that.
thought maybe someone else might too.
so thought i'd share......

here's to seeing the magic, and dancing with it!
may we all do that more often!

a visit with fear

i had woken up feelin' all tense and tight inside.
stuff that was agitating me was on my mind, and apparently
all inside of me as well.

fear.

i didn't want to feel that way all day.
i knew the deal.
so i did all the things that helped.

i did the treadmill thing with great enthusiasm.
i wrote things i was grateful for on slips of paper for my gratitude jar.
i teased zakk.
i ate right.
i cleaned.
i confirmed a date for that nite.

i did it all.
on purpose.
with awareness.
and it really really did help.

i find that with funks like these, there's stuff that i really do need to sit with,
and other stuff i really do need to just work my way out of
or it'll take me down to unhealthy places.

it's just a crazed swirl of negativity.

so i did the stuff that would keep me from being sucked down that drainpipe.
and felt better.

it was time to sit with the fear now.

and so i made some popcorn
and found a spot in my room on the floor where i could
look out at the sky and just think for a bit.

i munched popcorn, gazed at the sky and just sat with myself.
and then i looked over towards my shoulder.
at the bookcase that was right there.
it's full of books a friend has gifted me.
tons of books i haven't read yet.
just waiting for me to grab and look at.

i pulled one off the shelf - 'awake mind, open heart'  by cynthia kneen.

you'd think by now i'd be done being astonished by these random book
openings that i do. but i swear, sometimes it just takes my breath away.

i opened to a chapter called 'planting seeds of fearlessness'......
(yes, the word fearless has been on my brain all week, see posts below)
and so my eyes got wide once again.

she talks about fear....and sitting with it.....(which was what my popcorn
break was all about)....she talks about being with it, offering it a bowl of soup.
(bowl of popcorn?) ....she talks of exploring fear and when you do that,
you're planting seeds of fearlessness.

it was so soothing and so affirming.

i closed the book and talked to my fear.
and smiled at my fear.
and allowed my fear.
offered it some popcorn.

we had a good talk.

and you know what?
i was okay.

i was just okay.

i wasn't uncomfortable.
or anxious.
or anything.

i was just okay.

how cool is that?

i brushed some popcorn pieces back into the bowl
(apparently fear is a little messy)
smiled, and went on my way.

later that nite, as i was walking out of my guy's house,
i looked up at the sky.
i have no idea why, but his view of the sky from his driveway
always takes my breath away.

i looked up.
and there just as clear as clear were the stars.

a beautiful sky of stars.

i just stopped and looked at them.

gratitude filled me.
just washed all over me.
when i got in the car, i said out loud to myself,
'you have so much, ter. so much.'

and i meant it.

spaces part two

okay.
i swear.
my mouth went wide open and my eyebrows went right up.

i've been thinking about 'spaces' (see posts below)

and i took a tea break with my mark nepo book,
'the exquisite risk'  and turned right to this.

'As the great Jewish philosopher Martin Buber contends,
it is the space between us that holds everything. This ever-changing
space between is the ground of relationship, where barely visible
threads are spun from what it means to be human. It is the web
of relationship spun in the space between that holds us up. It is
in this vital space between living things that the faces of God appear.'

no kidding.
i mean, no no no kidding.

i still have no clue what this space stuff is about.
but you know.....i'm thinking it's something to really really really
check out. and i was kinda thinking the same thing about the
faces of god. i mean, no kidding!

i don't even want to add any more to this blog.
i just want to leave a place for us to think about this......

cause i'm thinking this whole idea is awesome cool.

spaces

so i took a quick break with my girlfriend and we talked
a bit about fearlessness. (see post below)

but what got my attention was the idea of the space
where fearlessness happens.

she's one of the first people to really bring 'spaces'
to my attention.

she told me years ago that i was a 'space maker'....
that i opened spaces for people to feel safe in.

i totally loved that idea.
had never thought of it before.
and have since played with that concept a bit.
and i gotta admit, if i could be a writer, artist or
space maker.....i think i'd choose space maker.

but i'm thinking there's a whole art to that. a whole
world i haven't explored.

then recently i was telling her something about a space
between two emotions that i was feeling. i was feeling the
two emotions strongly, but i could see the magic was
in the space between them. that there was something there
- in that space - that i had never noticed before. that it
felt like a place to explore.

i didn't even know how to explain it, but knew somehow
she'd get what i meant.

and she did.

so there we were once again with the space idea in front of us.

she was struggling with some of her own fears.
and so i mentioned this moment where i turned away from my fears.
and how that space was a place i didn't like.
i found it really uncomfortable and a place i didn't like to be.
but i had been thinking that maybe that space is really the place
where our fearlessness begins.

and that maybe i was looking at that space all wrong.
that maybe it was indeed the place of magic.

do i even know what i'm talking about?
not at all.
it's all new to me.
and stuff that just wisps thru my fingers and isn't anything
concrete i can hold.

but it excites me.
i think there's something to it.
i think there's another world to explore that exists inbetween all the other
stuff i think is real. and that i've been missing it my whole life. i've been
looking right past it.

the spaces in between our emotions, in between our actions,
in between the things we think are real.

could they be the places that birth the magic?
could they be something we could explore?

i'm really curious.

two words that have my attention...

i was on the treadmill with my blood moving thru my veins
like molasses this morning. ohmygosh. and as i was tryin'
to get that molasses flowing, i got to thinking of the words
'fearless' and 'wholehearted.'

i'm not sure what the difference is.
i didn't have my dictionary there with me on the treadmill.
but i got to thinking about how 'fearless' felt bolder to me.
and how i don't think i've ever really been fearless.
but i've definitely been wholehearted.

and maybe that's why the word 'fearless' attracts me so much.
cause i don't think i've had much contact with it.

and i don't mean the unhealthy stuff i see with people doing
stuff to show they're brave or whatever.that's ego stuff.

not that...but with things like living fearlessly. loving fearlessly.

i really may have to look these words up. cause living wholeheartedly
and loving wholeheartedly sounds good too....just a wee bit
more on the wimpy side, don't you think?

so i found myself in what coulda been a science experiment.
an experiment on what i thought at first was fearlessness,
but eventually decided must really be wholeheartedness.
and then finally came to wonder if it was both...

sometimes i set stuff up like a science experiment to see how i work.
but this time it wasn't set up deliberately. but it was so clear,
i had to notice.

i was in a prolonged state of wholeheartedness.

i think that definitely changes your chemistry.
i think i actually looked different.

and then....for whatever reasons....a door flew open inside me
and fear and doubt stepped in.

bam.
an immediate chemistry change.

the fear and doubt weren't so huge that they shut everything down.
wasn't that huge.
just enough to show themselves.
you know........just so i wouldn't forget they exist.

and i could feel how everything inside me changed.

'ohmygosh, look at this,'  i thought.
i knew it.
didn't want it.

but it was kinda like tie-dying. you are dying something awesome,
it's bold and bright and beautiful and flowing, and then without
even thinking, you add another color and immediately you know
you don't want that color. but it's too late. it's seeping in and
spreading. making everything that was bold and bright muddy.

that was my doubt and fear.
seeping in and spreading.
muddying me right up.
wasn't like i could just lift it out.

'darn. now what??' i asked myself.

i chose a forced turning away from it.
forced because it takes effort,
and i have to do it more than once.
seems it's like a magnet and i keep turning back to it.
so more than one forcing of turning away from it.
back to the wholeheartedness.

there's a certain amount of discomfort and it doesn't feel right.
but then i found my way back to where i had been.
and once there, it was easy to stay there again.

it was the trip back to it that was hard.

and maybe that part right there -
the trip back....
the turning away from the doubt and fear,
the trusting that the other direction is the way to go,
even when it feels hard and scary...
maybe in there somewhere is the fearlessness that
i'm after.

i kinda thought fearlessness was not having the fear...
being bold...
but maybe it's the power to move away from the fear?
maybe it's that strong push that moves you towards
wholehearted?? maybe that's boldness right there?

don't know.
but thinking fearlessness and wholeheartedness may
go hand in hand, and they are definitely words i want to
look into more!

it claimed me back...

there is definitely something to be said for no expectations!

altho, that's really not true...i had SOME.
i expected to have fun.
but the thing was....i expected me to make the fun.
i wasn't looking for others to provide the fun.
think that was part of the reason it all went so well.

planning little work, lotsa goofin' and love spreadin',
and some family time, i just wanted to share some love.
i wanted to keep love in the front of my head all day.
that was my goal and i wanted to goof around -
'after all, it IS a holiday' i kept saying.

i had put it out early to my family what it was i wanted to do -
spend some time with them. make some dinner together, hang out,
laugh. were they in for that? i also wanted to take the guys out
to lunch....splurge a little and go to a place they had never been.
did they have time?

i was concentratin' on lovin' the people in my life.

the guys surprised me with balloons and a sign they painted and hung
up for me the nite before. i walked in to my kitchen, completely
captivated with the sign they had there waiting for me.

i was so captivated, i didn't even notice the balloons at first!
and they were dangling all over the kitchen!
it was hard to miss them!
i laughed when i saw them and realized i had missed them
because of staring at the sign!

what a total delight!
i dragged balloons with me wherever i went.
(even to the bathroom!)
and when i woke up on valentine's morning, the string
hanging down from the balloon on the ceiling was the
first thing i saw!

my guy had given me roses and a card a few days earlier.
i had laughed. his memory isn't always so good, so i figured he
was covering himself this year for sure! we'd been thru all
the snags valentine's day can lead to, and we were both
learning a lot!

all the guys had covered themselves BEFORE valentine's day,
so i figured we were all set there. it was my turn. (this whole
celebrating love month works well for this pre-valentine stuff
and prolly helps them out a bit!!)

in the morning, i pulled out the goodies i had gotten for the guys,
all wrapped in red and pink. i grinned. not too manly.
but oh so bright!
i spread them out on the kitchen table all pretty, added
some chocolates, and smiled.

thinking it was my turn to treat them, i was totally surprised when
each son had a home made card for me. ohmygosh.
home made cards from these giant guys of mine.
you just don't get any better than that.
zakk's made me throw back my head and laugh.
talk about treasures.

lunch time could not have been more fun.
we hit the place at just the right time where it wasn't crowded and
we got a good chance to joke around with the people working there.
it was so fun watching them get a real big flame on the grill so josh
could take a video of it! i sat there and grinned at all the guys lighting
up the flames real high. does the boy inside guys ever grow up?
i think not. they're always up for burning something! and how amazing
it is to watch!

we laughed with the people around us, and talked at the table so
relaxed and comfortable. none of us was in a hurry.
for us, and our schedules, that's a real treat. one brother spilled
water on another. an accident, but one to be made the most of.

headin' back to a little bit of work before more goofing off, i was in such
a good mood. i sent ecards and love notes and got ecards and love notes back.
i figured my work for the day was to spread love! and i was totally enjoying it.
i deliberately put no pressures on myself. and it felt so good.

i finished earlier than anyone else, and put on some music that sang of love.
i danced around the kitchen pulling out the ingredients to make some
'healthy' truffles. as i rolled each one in cocoa, i thought of all my guys. each one
came to mind, and i held them in my mind and what i loved about them.
i felt so darn blessed to have them in my life. i danced, i made truffles, i
held each guy of mine and i held gratitude.

the truffles were truly filled with love.

when my guy walked in, i was totally surprised to see him with a giant
teddy bear....one i could totally cuddle and hug. and yet another card.
this one even sweeter than the last.

ohmygosh.

i hugged the bear.
then him.
then the bear.
then him.
then the bear.
then him.

then i dragged him over to where his presents were.
the first was a bottle of 'caveman bob's barbecue sauce.'
i mean, really.
how could i not???
he's totally my neanderthal.

and then i handed him the other...
'this is for you!' i exclaimed as i handed him a box
with a red ribbon.

as he was untying the ribbon i said 'just a little warning for
you....i made it!'

he stopped and looked worried.
i mean, really.
it coulda been anything.
and he knew he could ruin the day right there.
what was he gonna say to whatever thing i had made??
the pressure was on.

i laughed.
told him no pressure. it really wasn't scary.

and then he opened it.
and i so wish i had a picture of his face.
it was like his gears just jammed.
he just didn't know what to do with the sock puppets
i had made for him!

sock puppets???

i clapped and laughed and slipped one on my hand
and started talking to him in a goofy voice, assuring him
that i had washed the socks before i created the puppets.

oh i wish i had a video!
the man doesn't know what to do sometimes!
he just had this kinda confused stare as he looked
at the puppet talking to him!

we have come so far. our valentine's day has quite a history.
and not an easy one. and here we were, together, with not
a lot mattering besides the fact that we loved each other.

wow, did that feel good.

what a day it was!
we decided on a quick game of trouble - the pop-o-matic game!
remember that?
this is a joke in my house as no one ever wants to play this dumb game.
but i always make them play, and then i scream and carry on and
say pop-o-matic as much as i can! over and over.

i like to think i'm delightfully obnoxious.
they prolly don't think it's so delightful.
and yes, they go along with this and indulge me.

we had an exciting game of trouble - with a lotta piece tossing,
and blood shed. yes, this is the way you play these games with
these guys!

then we all cooked dinner, teased a lot, and snuggled in to
watch a columbo.

it truly had to be one of the best valentine's days ever.
and i really really think a ton of the reason was i wasn't looking
for anything. just to love those in my life.

and my gosh, did i ever feel loved back.
i think the no expectations freed something up.
and made room for a whole lotta fun.

it was SUCH a delight!

josh came thru after work with goodies and smiles.
and told me most sincerely that i have taught him the
fun of that day. he's single, lives on his own, i'm sure he
woulda loved to have had someone special to share the day with.
but there he was telling me the day was great fun, and
thanking me for teaching him that.

noah turned to me at one point and said,
'mom, you work so hard at love, this is your day!'

it felt totally like my day!
totally.
i claimed it.
and somehow, it claimed me back.

i know how blessed i am.
i know not every valentine's day will be like this one.
i know things change, and some of those changes will be things
i don't want to change.

i know there will be sad valentine's days.
i remember a few.

i hope that i can hold ones like this, and all i've learned to get here
and have this - in my heart so that i can always remember to make
space for the good things, and to spread the love with all i can.

this day of love teaches me a lot.
and reminds me how important it is to let those we care about know.

now.....to carry a little bit of that right back into this day! and the other days.
and on and on we go!

a valentine for you

we sent this valentine out to our bone sigh arts mailing list today.
if you're not on there, i didn't want to leave you out....

this is for you as well...

a day of love!

valentine's day has arrived!

i've been celebrating it for weeks now!
but it's official! it's here!

and i've been sayin' for weeks now it's not about romance...
it's about LOVE...

and that's a big difference.
and can change the whole day around!

and i totally believe it starts with self love!

i made a valentine e-card for the bone sigh arts mailing list.

it has this quote -

'where there is love
 there is valuing.
always.'

i thought that was a good quote for today.
because it includes valuing ourselves.
along with each other.

there's a whole lotta things that happen as we go along in life
that whisper to us we have no value.

i understand that.
i really do.

but i think it's up to us to shout back to that whisper -
'oh no. you're wrong! i am worthy and valuable and i matter!'

honestly, it's our choice what we hold about ourselves.
and it seems like valentine's day is a great day to hold our worth.

and to celebrate our capacity to love.

something that floors me over and over and over again....
watching people who have come from great pain, or who are in great pain,
still reach out in love.

over and over i see that and am amazed.

our incredible capacity to love...
our worth...
our value...
those around us that we care about...

there's so much to celebrate today!
don't let it pass you by!
celebrate the love!

happy valentine's day!

keep on loving

it had happened a few times in a row,
people i cared about not seeing me,
and being less than kind.
hurting my feelings.

by the third time, i was feeling pretty sad.
i headed over to my guy's house,
crying a bit on the way over.

but i didn't want to bring it all in and lay it all
over the place, so i walked in like i was fine.
but you know how that goes....that didn't last long,
and before you know it, i was snuggled in his arms
tellin' him i was sad.

i really do love this guy.
and respect his thoughts.
so when he tells me stuff, i listen.
he talked about how the stuff that had hurt me wasn't
about me. that it was the other people's stuff.
their issues coming out.

and when i told him i had tried to step back and see
what i could learn from it, he asked me what i got.
when i told him, he encouraged me, definitely emphasized
the dangers of expectations, and reminded me again
that even tho my buttons were pushed, it wasn't about me.

i heard him.
and i knew he was right.
it was hard to untangle it.
but i knew he was right.
and it helps to hear it from him.
there's something about that where i can take it and work
with it - i guess i just trust it....
...i guess i just trust him...

and so while we ran errands, i untangled.

and untangled and untangled.

and in the untangling, i realized that what i do, what i offer,
what i try to be...is for me. not for anyone else.

and i sat and thought about that.

and scribbled some notes.

this is what i came up with......

once more

head bent in sadness

because they couldn't see,

and not understanding at first

that their blindness had nothing to do with her,

she wrapped her fingers around her heart

and held it tight.

finally, she remembered it wasn't really for them

she gave her love -

ultimately it was for her

and who she wanted to be.

releasing her fingers,

she opened her heart

and offered her love once more.

i thought that was a good message this love week......

we love for ourselves.

and we need to keep on loving.......

one heck of a thought

so it just sorta hit me outta the blue the other nite.

-the identity crisis-

(a.k.a. self doubt, inner turmoil, muddled confusion - any of
those...but i liked 'the identity crisis')

bam.

fell on me.
right on top of my head.
and then oozed all down me.

i fell right into the pit of 'i'm notta'

'i'm not an artist.'
'i'm not a writer.'

well what the heck am i, then??
WHO ARE YOU TERRI?
WHAT ARE YOU?
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING???

one of those moments that hit, and then stayed.

then life got busy, and there were a few other things
i had to deal with. so it just kinda sat there inside of me
tuggin' at me. oozin' around in me and over me. ans whispering
those darn questions over and over again.

and then i got this really beautiful note from a friend.
that said stuff about my writing.
good stuff.

right there.
bam.
outta the blue.
another outta the blue bam.
only this one was a good outta the blue bam.

so i sat there, holding what she had written
and said 'okay. okay. what does this mean?
does this mean you can write???'

and i thought about it.
and i realized i had fixed ideas - nice little boxes - of what
i thought an artist was and what i thought a writer was.
and no, i didn't fit in these little boxes.

so then i got to thinking about that.
and realized none of those labels mattered.
and that my holding those darn boxes was hurting me.
i had to drop the boxes.
but there was more.
what mattered was that i was offering who i was.
whatever it was i was doing, i was offering my heart.
and that's what i had to focus on.

okay.
that's kinda cool.

so from that, i got the idea of not holding the 'stuff' -
the self doubt - or the self confidence - none of that.
don't hold the 'stuff'.....just be. don't hold the boxes,
don't hold the labels. just be.

so i thought i was good with it.
but i shoulda known by my mood that i wasn't.
and the next day nothing was clicking quite right.
discouragement was around every corner.

and then my girlfriend popped in looking for some valentines.
'how ya doin' ter?'
and i looked at her and said 'ahhhhh kinda funky lousy.'
she stretched out her arms wide, inviting me in for a hug.
i sunk into her arms.
and as she held me she said 'me too!'

so we laughed and hugged some more and joked and
decided we needed a coffee break.

so out we went.
and we sat and we talked.
from our hearts.
we dug right in.

and we talked about sacred spaces.
and stepping into them.
and we talked of being sacred vessels,
and how what we're offering is more than ourselves.
that somehow when we offer who we are, something else
happens. when she talked of her own self and her work,
i could see it so clearly. when she talked of our other friend
and her work, i nodded whole heartedly. and when she spoke
of me and my work, my eyes welled up with tears and i held
what she was saying so gently and so gratefully. and i nodded.

i believe what she said.
that when we offer stuff from our hearts, when we offer what's
really us, it becomes more than us.

she used this gorgeous visual of a bowl of water reflecting the
stars in the sky....but holding more than just one piece of the sky...
holding all the heavens inside it.

she likened us to the bowl.

how beautiful is that?

i sat there picturing the bowl.
thinking of my insides.
thinking of what i believed and what i felt.
and my eyes just welled up with tears.

i haven't a clue 'what' i am - as in if i'm an artist or a writer -
but i do believe the sacred vessel part.
i believe we're all those sacred bowls.
and i believe that when we offer what's inside of us,
somehow, we offer all of the heavens at the same time.

and THAT is one heck of a thought.

********
(i posted a bone sigh on this on the tumblr page if you feel so inclined...)

the joys of the different combinations...

i sat there listening to them.
watching them.
enjoying them.
and having no idea what they were talking about.

they have very similar brains.
sometimes even the other guys just let them go
and listen while they talk. they at least follow what's being said.

my mind will wander to things like -
'wow, i wonder if this is what kids feel like when parents
talk and they have no clue what's goin' on?'
and then i'll debate that in my head, thinking that if it's
anything emotional that those parents are talking about,
the kids will pick it up, even if they don't understand.
but this stuff is so unemotional....there really isn't stuff to pick up.

or i'll start to thinking about how cool guys are.
and how this is their guy version of my coffee with the girls.

or i'll get to thinking about how i don't even realize how much
of this is in them as they don't talk about it with me as i'm clueless
to this stuff. and it's important for me to see this side of them.
this is such a big part of them.

then, of course, my mind will wander back when i hear my guy
say 'that's magic!' and my head will turn back to his face, i'll
see his delight, and tune back in to a conversation about magic
that is too technical for me to comprehend. but somewhere in
there is magic, so i'm gonna listen again.

it makes me happy to watch them and hear them.
and it makes me laugh that my son who is the least like me,
is the most like my partner. there's a tickle in there for me.

i was thinking about it later.
how all the different connections there are can be so good.

in that car, with us all packed in that day,
there were a lot of those different connections -

there was the relationship between a mom and her sons,
between brothers,
between young men and an older man,
between guys,
between partners,
between two very similar emotional brains,
between two very similar logical brains,
between creative souls,
between business partners,
between family that were friends.

how cool is that?!

it was zakk's birthday trip.
and to make sure it got off to a good start,
we made sure we all had caffeine!
the ride up to our destination was a couple of hours.
and the caffeine had kicked in.
and all those different angles of relationships were bouncing
around that car creating much havoc and laughter.

in looking back later, i was really appreciating the guy connection.
it's something i can't offer my guy or my sons, but i can watch
them all offering it between them.

and it made me really appreciate our differences.
we need each other.
and all these different goofy combinations.

i thought of love.
and all its forms.
and in all the different ways we offer it.
including insults and teasing.

i shook my head, laughed, and thought about how lucky i am
to be in this mix. i may need to run off and get my estrogen fix
from my women friends here and there, but that guy energy sure
keeps me on my toes!

celebrating guys being guys together and smiling at their goofy
offerings of love.

centering

i was weary.

the world seemed a self centered, selfish place...
i needed a break from it all.

i knew goofin' with art would make me feel better,
but i had to drag myself to go do it.
i just felt low and heavy.

i turned on music that always talks to my soul,
pulled out the art stuff,
and immediately found myself dancing around.

immediately?!

wow.
i think i kinda needed this.

i played with my art for while.
until i felt my spirits rise again.
i could feel all the parts of me humming along,
singing along and smiling.

yeah, i needed this.

then when i sat down at my desk,
i saw the cards and notes that had come in the mail.
i looked at them and smiled.

there was nothing but love and kindness sitting right there.
i turned to an order someone made to support me.
someone who has to budget as well,
but there was her order.
there to support me.
with total love.
i turned to a gift i had gotten that morning.

FOR PETE'S SAKE TERRI!
LOOK AT ALL THIS LOVE!
it's everywhere, all around me.
definitely all over my desk.

and i felt such gratitude.

and i thought about it.

the FEW negative interactions certainly had taken over
and colored the TONS of positives all around me.

amazing how that can happen.
i tried not to let them.
but they did.
for a little while anyway.
they made me weary.

taking some time to center,
to forget the world,
to go inside myself and just totally be,
brought me back to a place of gratitude.

i thought of the things that made me weary.
they seemed so far away...
they didn't matter.
i wanted to put my energy where it did matter -
with the love.

with the love.
that's where it matters.

and now i could.
i got up and danced all over again.

in response to a love song that bothered me..

here's the thing...
I just heard a love song....
and the guy singing, who would be you in my head,
sang he'd die for me...

i don't want you to die for me.
i don't want anyone to die for me.

i want you to live for me.

i want you to live for me,
just like i want to live for you.

when i think of you in my life,
i want to be all i can be.

to make you proud of me, yes.
but also to make it so i can love you more -
more honestly, more deeply, more real.
just more.

that sounds so much better than dying for someone.
and yeah, i want that in return. i really really do.

i want you to live for me.

and i want you to see me.
i want you to see who i am and dance with who you see.

i want you to see me closely enough that you know
when gentleness is called for, and when your strong pushes
are needed.

i want you to see the fear that causes the struggles,
and to squeeze my hand and remind me that it's just fear,
it's not real, and we're okay.

and i want you to see those small victories of mine,
the ones that are bringing me closer to you and i want you
to rejoice with me in those steps forward.

and i want you to see how much i adore you.
how much i respect and like you.
and how much you matter to me.

and i want you to hold that and honor that and treasure that.

and i want to take all of this and reverse it and do it for you.
always.
when i'm secure and steady.
and when i'm not.

and somehow in there, maybe there is a dying for you.
a dying for me.
maybe what dies are the fears.
and maybe what lives is the love...

yes!

thank goodness i underline and dog-ear and just generally
mess up my books! it makes it so fun to just go grab one off the
shelf and see what all i have forgotten!

well, it being the month of love, i wanted some good love stuff
to sink my teeth into.

took me three tries with different books before i grabbed
david richo's 'when love meets fear.'

ohmygosh.
thud.
i had forgotten how much i loved this book.

thud.
thud.
thud.

(that's me falling over!) (four times!)
(and yes! it's in my little amazon widget on the side here....
which means i REALLY like it!)

i have a ton of the book underlined.
it was great fun to go flipping thru the pages.
it's kinda like digging out the cookie dough of the cookie dough ice cream,
ya know? you go for those extra good nuggets.

here's various pieces from one page that totally inspired me -

'The fearlessness comes when you make a commitment to be who you
fully are.'

..'so fearlessness is another name for love. ....Love is a total yes.
Fear is no. '

'Since our spiritual destiny is to release the riches of the self -
unconditional/universal love, perennial wisdom, and healing power -
through our healthy personality, full potential is crucial!'

'Fearlessness brings with it the conviction that everything in our lives is part of
our destiny, exactly what we need in order to become who we really are. Not
only is it all right to be myself, it is even all right to let events be themselves.
This means entering into a wholehearted engagement with our circumstances rather
than arguing with them. Fear argues with circumstances. ...Love says 'Let it all
happen just as it needs to.'

okay, that's pretty good stuff is it not?

i love this - 'entering into a wholehearted engagement with our circumstances.'
i love love love that.

i have a few circumstances i'm not entering in wholeheartedly!
that really made me pause and think.

love stuff!!
it's good good stuff!
and david richo's stuff!
oh yes!
way good stuff as well!

pausing, holding gratitude, and entering the day wholeheartedly!

just love this...

found some beautiful soothing from mr. mark nepo and wanted to share.
from his book 'the exquisite risk' -

'...that this is the work of integration: to have our inner soul work
meet our outer relational work. Indeed, how can we be who we
are when no one is around and bring that holy presence everywhere?

...while it will always be necessary to travel in solitude to find
the numinous center of what it means to be alive, we spend too much
 time keeping the truth of who we are in the closet. We spend too
much time being closet-authentics, while the miracle of what
is waits, ever so quietly, for our skins of truth to touch.'

one of those things that puts life in perspective...

i guess it's just that the ages were just right or something,
but i didn't have any relatives in world war two.
or any that i knew of.
no real close ones, i guess.

when i learned all the horrific things of that war in my history class,
i remember being deeply affected.  i remember watching some movies
on it in class, and all the awful pictures of the concentration camps.
i remember actually crying as i watched. just so full of sorrow for what
had happened.

and yet.....it was still history.
i had no family in it.
it really didn't enter my mind how close it all was in years.
it just seemed far away.
maybe it had to be in my head, as i tend to keep awful
things distanced if i can.

as an adult, i'd meet older people here and there who were in world war two,
but not many, usually quickly at an event, and i still didn't think much of how
it really wasn't that long ago.

but now i'm engaged to a man of jewish descent.
one day a few years ago, i was sitting in his uncle's living room,
getting the tour of the family photo album.
his uncle would point to people and say 'they died in the camps.'
and he'd move along, and then say that again.

i was stunned.
it was by far the closest i ever came to understanding just how near
that war really was.

how would that feel to run your finger over their photos and explain
to someone that's what happened?

in talking family history with my guy last nite, he pulled out some notes he had
taken about his family.

as we read the notes together, there it was again.
complete with an uncle who had lost his wife and children in the camps,
and an uncle who had his child killed in his arms by the nazis.

i looked down at those typed words and thought about how different
history class must have been for my guy.

while i cried for the sorrow of it all, it wasn't my family.
it never even occurred to me it would be.
it was so far removed from me.

and yet, when he learned about it in class, what must he have felt?

i looked at him.
i wanted to say 'i'm so sorry for what happened to your family.'
i'm not even sure if i said it out loud or not.
my head was flooded with those feelings and thoughts.
and i tried to explain how i just never 'got' how close it was until
him and his family.

i realize that's me.
i realize i'm thick headed and really good at making things look pretty
and all that kinda denial stuff.

i'm not proud that i didn't 'get it' before.
but i get it now.

apparently the uncle who lost his wife and children in the camps
remarried a woman who lost her husband and children in the camps.
the sorrow they must have carried together boggles my mind.
and my guy can't mention them without telling me what wonderful
people they were. he really liked them.

how did they come out of that losing all that they love,
and be wonderful people?

how is that even possible?

and THAT is why i wanted to post this during this month of love.
because love and hope are the only possible explanations for that in my head.

i don't mean they found each other and fell in love and everything was rosy.
that's not what i mean.
of course not.
maybe they fell in love.
that'd be nice to think.
maybe they did.
but i would guess that they understood something about deep deep sorrow
and somehow found each other because of that and understood what
mattered in life and somewhere mixed in i would think would be some
sort of hope and love.

i have no idea.
but i'm pretty sure there had to be some mixture of it.
in a way i will never really understand.
a love like i never really will know.
and i'm pretty sure they never lost sorrow.
a deep deep cavern of sorrow.

the fact that they could ever smile again, let alone be described
as wonderful seems to be something to honor. something to celebrate.

and i so wanted to include this blog in the love month theme.
i wanted to honor these people who traveled such a hard road,
and still were capable of loving and living...

certainly puts a lot in perspective for me today.

a post i needed to write

it all started with the gun control craze.
yeah.
around then.

i felt so broken hearted about the violence,
and also very saddened by what i saw as our lack of holding
our responsibilities to what's happening.

the gun control answers seem way too simplistic to me,
and way too 'easy' in the sense that it really doesn't feel like we're
looking at a whole buncha things we need to look at.
we'll just pass these laws and everything will be okay.
'they' will fix it.

i don't see it that way at all.
and i see 'us' as being responsible.
and i see so many strings involved.

including things like when do we start drawing lines about what
we personally allow in our lives when it comes to day to day things
in our lives that are violent, like movies.

so okay.
i stay quiet.
cause there's no way to word that without starting everyone up
on a conversation that totally misses my point and turns simplistic
all over again. no. she's not saying violent movies are the downfall
of america.

she's saying we need to look at a lot, lot, lot of things we allow
and ask ourselves why and what it will take to change and if we really
want to change.

- if we really want to change -

it's complicated.
and so i stay quiet.

this stuff bothers me. but i don't know how to speak up in a way that
makes my points so someone can hear me.

and then, of all things, that silly car show i went to started things up inside
me once again.

there on the main floor, or up on little stages,
standing there talking about the cars, were beautiful young women,
dressed in their tight, pretty outfits, complete with their stilettos.

i couldn't believe it. and yet oh i so could.

i watched them and wondered......had they thought about what was going on?
were they okay with being used as attractions to draw the men over?
they were young....they were pretty......and yeah, they definitely looked okay with it.

i sighed.
commented on the sexist stuff goin on, weathered the jokes from my guys,
and kept going.

then, that nite, i watched the halftime show of the superbowl.
well - PART of it. i quit mid-way thru.
i don't usually watch pop stuff, i wouldn't know beyonce if i bumped into her
at the grocery store, and i really only know she's big cause i know her name.
i tend to be culturally illiterate that way.

i was sitting in between my two sons watching her wiggle around in her little
outfit there, and i wondered about women all over again.

and i thought a lot about the struggle of lifting women up and women's roles
in the lifting up of women. josh told me beyonce was a mom of a girl.
i'm assuming a baby? i have no idea. and i sat there and wondered would
she really have no problem with her daughter seeing her dressed like this
in front of millions of people? i'm assuming she wouldn't. i'm assuming she's
proud. and i wondered about it. and wondered what it would be like to talk
to her about it. REALLY talk to her. does she see herself as a great role model
for girls? and why is that? why is the sexual strutting around really okay?
why are we not seeing any connections with what we're doing all around
us and what is happening all around us? sex is everywhere. and it's not a
loving sex.

i knew whatever i said just made me sound old.
and so again, i stayed quiet.
well, mostly quiet.
my sons heard my thoughts.
but just some of them.

and then this morning on facebook, i saw an article about human trafficking
and how superbowl sunday is the biggest human trafficking day we've got.
it went on to describe a horrific life of very young girls who've been
enslaved to provide 'a service' to men.

oh the men.
the men.
and sigh..... yes, women as well.....
what are these people thinking?
what are these people allowing?

what are WE allowing?

i cried when i read it.
and i thought again how there's so many strings to all this......
and i can't find a way to talk about it it without sounding like an old prude.

but somehow, after reading that article, i felt i had to at least write this.

and before i could sit down to write it, i saw a woman on fb post about
how wonderful she thought beyonce's performance was. and apparently,
that's the consensus.

i thought again of staying quiet.
and then i thought again of responsibility.
and i thought at the very least, i need to write this.

it's not because i'm old.
it's not because i'm some righteous moral prude.

maybe it's because the older i get, and the more sexually violent stories
i hear thru bone sigh customers, the more i see what we're creating and allowing.
which somehow all ties right back into gun control for me. way down deep
it feels the same to me.

life is complicated.
sex and violence are complicated things.
raising responsible adults is a complicated thing.
what we allow in our lives, what we make room for,
takes space. it takes space from other things that could be in our lives....

i'm feeling more and more frustrated by our lack of understanding that
we are creating the times we are living in. and we can't just pass a law
and make it all okay.
it's up to our own individual actions, thoughts, and choices.

interestingly enough.....the quote of the day, which is randomly generated,
was this one today -



choices

“believing that every thought counts, every word matters, and every action is power - she chose to fill them with gentleness and love.”

that may seem trite and simplistic when i think of all the enslaved girls and women...
or when i think of the crazed violence everywhere...
or even when i just think of the entertainment industry, or the auto industry...
the marketing industry...

but then again...it feels very right.
and very important.
every single action we make matters.
every single choice.
everything we make space for in our lives.....

we're creating the world we live in.
and i'm not sure we're holding that.

a no brainer that took me awhile to figure out...

so i spent the day at the car show.

totally unusual for me as i have zero interest in the car show.
but....my son and my guy were goin' and i was invited.
you can't pass that up.

and while no, the show didn't do much for me,
being with my son and my guy did.
it warmed my heart watching them looking at the cars together
and talking car stuff.

i took pictures of shiny things and bits and pieces of the cars
for abstract photos to use in my greeting cards.
and i watched my guys look at the cars.

i picked a few favorites and rolled my eyes at others.

by the time we got home, i had enough of car shows.
in fact, i was okay if i didn't even see another car for a long time.
well, until i needed one, anyway!
my guy said goodbye, and i headed in with my son back to my
other sons.

the superbowl came up.
should we watch?
'sure' i said.
'turn it on.'

i have never in my whole life seen a superbowl.
nor do i care to.
but here i sit sandwiched between two sons on my couch,
with the tv set up special for this event.

and yes, i'm typing as i hear on each side of me 'ohhhhhh' over some
kinda football thing that just happened.

no, i won't sit very long and watch this thing.
i mean, really, i did a car show today as well.
but i'll stay a bit and make noises and have some fun.

but the thing that's on my mind thru all this is a piece of love that fascinates me
and i wanted to bring it up this month for love month....

the differences in us.
and the beauty of that.

on the surface, my partner and i could not be any more different.
underneath, our similarities surprise me.

but the differences between us have taught me a ton.
the idea that we don't have to be the same....and how that's really okay!

at first some of it was a real struggle.
and no, i don't have them all down smoothly yet.
but i've made my way thru a lot of them.
and i see how they truly are a part of our personalities.
and it's really a cool thing - even tho it can be a bit unnerving at times.

and the same with having sons....
there's a whole ton of differences that i've had to work my way thru.
and no, i don't have all of them down smoothly yet either....
but again.......i see how cool it is.

and while it may sound like a no brainer,
i can tell you when i was married, i didn't like the differences,
i didn't work with the differences, and i wanted parts of the person
i was sposed to love to change.

obviously, that didn't work real well.

and i see now how that isn't love at all.
and while i think it's a no brainer now,
it took me a long long time to figure this out.

really loving someone is loving the differences as well.
and sometimes when i get stuck on a difference that i have trouble
with, i go to the bigger picture and think 'this all makes the person
i love and THAT is a cool thing.' and then i can smile.

luckily, i think i was always a lot more open about the differences
with my sons. but no, i wasn't always open to it with the main partner
in my life.

and now....it makes no sense to me to say you love someone,
but you want to change them. i just can't see that as loving someone.

and the beauty of it?
the changes that have happened in me as i've come to realize this!

who knew?
it was ME who had to change when i was looking at the other to
do that very thing!

and it is my partner who has taught me this better than anyone,
because of our differences, yes. but also because he's really
really good at this himself. and it is in his example i have learned
a ton.

love.....it takes a ton of self growth, as far as i can tell.
which is also a way cool thing.

the first day of a very lovely month...

it's february first!

the first day of the month of love!
yes, i'm a great big fan of valentine's day....
and i like to turn the whole thing into 'love month!'

and no.....it's not because i'm fortunate enough to be in love.
which, yeah, i gotta say i am.......and that's one heck of a gift
that i'm quite thankful for...

but i was a fan long before i was in love.
in fact, i was a fan even when i wasn't sure i even believed
in romantic love anymore! so i truly don't think this holiday
has any more to do with that than any other kinda love!

 i just really think the whole idea of spreading love is really really wonderful!
and my gosh, we sure need it - all kindsa love!!!

i think the idea of thinking about love is a good idea.
like, really, what the heck is it?!
seems to me to be one of the most overused/misunderstood concepts ever.

i like the idea of loving ourselves.
of actively working on that and figuring out what that means
and how to do it.

i like a ton of stuff about the idea of a month of love!

and i like that it starts the day after zakk's birthday.
i know that the days of just kicking back the whole day and celebrating him
are numbered....like um....maybe over entirely.

but i had this one......and i took it!

it was more mellow than usual as josh is getting over the flu,
noah has a cold, and i'm getting over a cold. zakk was the only
healthy one sitting in a sick ward....

and yet, we managed to have a great time!

usually the laughter and craziness is such a joy to me and i see the love there.
but because this one was so much quieter and more mellow, i saw the
love in a different way. in a gentle caring way. and it filled the day.

there was no arguing, or rough words, there was always someone asking someone
else 'can i get you something? or 'how are you feeling?' there's no hesitation
in one brother telling the other brother he's proud of him, and there's always
a looking out for each other. there was the birthday smaltzyness towards my son,
with him returning it to me. there was gratitude, and appreciation. there was
patience and kindness. and no matter how mellow, there's ALWAYS teasing.

there was the phone call from my guy who had to work late.
there was the stopping of everything so i could talk with him as i was a bit worried
about him and we all wanted to hear how he was.
there was the relief in hearing his happy voice.

just listening to his voice made me smile. and pause the conversation
 so i could remind him that i loved him and missed him....

there was the hanging up and heading back to hanging out with my sons.
who were just waiting for the celebrating to continue...

that kinda day just has a real good haze hovering over it.

it was a day packed full of love.
a quiet, good, gentle love.
it's a life packed full of love.
all kinds of love.
even the love stuff that's work and exhausting....
even that stuff........it's all in there.

and i'm so looking forward to honoring love for the month ahead!

love.....how do we grow it? how do we care for it? how do we treasure it?
how do we even know what it is?
is it about giving it or getting it or both?
is it about seeing each other for real and dropping our baggage?
there's so much to this stuff.....
and i really think it matters to be asking and pondering and watching and
holding and offering and appreciating!
here's to a month of honoring all kinds of love!
and here's to a month of gratitude for that love!