mighty products!!

i wanted to share this story....and i thought sharing this letter was the best way to do so.
and yes, i do know there's a hero in this story.
the lovely woman who showed up on my doorstep.
she's a mystery angel to me.
and i'm appreciating her tremendously right now.

i wrote this to my printers today......
thought you might get a kick out of it -
i'm taking it into the weekend with a big ol' smile!


>>>>>>>>


hey, you guys,
this is too good to pass up!

the prints and cards that i fill my orders with come from you guys.
i have always adored you and loved working with you.
well, today, you passed all expectations!

i had several orders filled and out in my mailbox today when someone
came along and stole them!

to counter the icky people who would do that, a wonderful person
knocked on my door with two of the boxes. she found them in the
burger king parking lot around the corner.

being a small business owner herself, she was concerned and wanted
to bring them to me. her son, warned her about picking them up.
of course, anyone would think twice about that! but she picked them up,
found my house from the return address and gave them back to me.

i realized the really big order was missing. the one that i would lose the most
money on.

my son hopped in the car and went to search for it, while i took care
of the two orders the woman had returned.

he found them in the drive-thru parking lot, with tire prints on the wrapping
that was around them.

when i asked him if he found them, he nodded.
when i asked them if they were okay, he looked sad, shook his head
and said, 'they were run over.'

my heart sank.

but when we took the torn package apart, complete with tire marks and all,
we found NONE OF THE PRODUCTS WERE DAMAGED!

they ALL survived theft, ickiness, and being run over and left for dead.

i cannot tell you how much that meant to me.
and how much i rejoiced when i saw that.
i just about cried.

to a small business owner trying to make it in a tough time,
this totally mattered.

i had to tell you!
your products rock!
and apparently my packaging isn't so bad either!

truly something to celebrate!

your biggest fan,
terri st. cloud
bone sigh arts

monika's blog

monika posted her blog yesterday.
when i read it, i cried.
and i ached with wanting to do something for her.

i've sat with her and heard bits of her story,
and know that she's not alone with this.

i want to spread this around to help increase our awareness,
i want to spread this around because it's vulnerable
and i really believe we need to offer vulnerable over and over again.
i want to spread this around to honor what she's going thru and gather energy around her.

she's a beautiful woman who astounds me with her strength.

sit with her a moment and hold her in your heart.
hold ryan in your heart.
hold all our veterans in your heart.

monika's blog -

secret santa stuff

for anyone who missed it on the bone sigh face book page....

i wanted to make sure i spread this around -

okay! had the executive holiday swap meeting at lunch! here's the deal! ANYONE who wants to play, hop on in. send me your snail mail address. i will email that address to another person on the list and give you one of their addresses. so everyone will have someone to give something to and everyone will have

 someone giving something to them. (clear as mud, i know!)

what do you send? we're all adults. the whole idea is to make someone feel thought of. if that's a handwritten note in a card, that's perfect. if it's a home-made gift, that's perfect. if it's something you wanted to buy for them, that's perfect. do what your heart feels good about. (i am forever struggling with a tight budget and know that it forces me to do thoughtful things like sit down and write a nice letter....so don't even think tight budgets are a handicap. i think they can make things even better!) imagine feeling alone and getting a handwritten note from someone saying they care. you can't do much better than that! so no worries on money stuff. just work hard on the thoughtful stuff. that's the whole idea.

when do you send??? let's have everything mailed out by the 15th.
if you're not in the USA, you're gonna stump me. and i'll figure that out as i go along. i think unless we get other people in your country, we may have a problem. (i'm open to help with that one!)

lori  mentioned a friend who was in particular need of cards this holiday. if she gets in touch with me with an address, i can pass that along to each person as well and if we can drop her a card saying merry christmas, then that's a bonus.

if anyone says they're in and then finds for whatever reason they're out, just let me know and we'll cover you. the worst thing that could happen would be someone feels lonely and is looking for this and it never comes! let's make sure that doesn't happen and just tell me. i'll cover your back!

i think that's it.
email me your addy's and let the fun begin!!!!!

anyone outta the US, we're not sure what to do with you.....we're asking if people are interested

in overseas shipping or maybe we can just do downloadable cards or gifts. trying to figure that out........

a mindful day

i was determined to get on the other side of it.
i wanted to step out of the vague ick that wouldn't seem to leave.

and no, i didn't want to take the early walk.
it was cold, dark, and i just wanted to snuggle under the covers.

walk.
get out there and walk.
i remembered the determination.
oh yeah.
and so i walked.

and of course, it felt great.
there was no other place i would rather be.

but nah, i didn't want to get on the treadmill after that.

do it.
get on there and get moving.
and i remembered the determination.
oh yeah.
and so i got on there and got moving.

and of course, it felt great.
and i couldn't believe i had to convince myself to get moving on it.
it was where i needed to be and it felt wonderful.

i did all the little things that tell myself that i'm taking good
care of me. had the healthy drinks, the healthy food, the vitamins.
all that stuff. i did it mindfully. purposefully.

i was making a statement to myself.

i am going to do what i need to to move away from that darn vague
ick that's been plaguing me.

and i talked to myself all day about being aware.
i watched my mood.
it kept lifting.
the more i paid attention and was attentive to taking care of what i needed to do,
the better i felt.
i talked to myself and tried to prepare for things to turn whatever way they did.
wasn't sure what the day was going to hold with some difficult stuff.
and i wanted to be aware of my choices in how i handled it all.

i didn't want to act according to my reactions i had if something turned hard.
i wanted to think things thru and be clear headed.
and i wanted to remember who i was and act from that spot.
i tuned into my heart a lot and did little check ins.
i wanted to be present in my heart and head as much as i could.

all of it musta mushed together just right.
the awareness, the taking steps into the healthy choices,
the watching, listening to myself, the trying to stay connected to my heart.

it was one big ol' swoop of saying 'this is it. this is my day. and i'm gonna do my best
to make it all i can.'

and it was the best day i've had all month.
i felt good. strong. light.

and then i got way tired.
just way way tired.

and i smiled.

i wore myself out taking care of myself all day.

i so so so smiled.
how cool is that?!

i think it means i need to practice more and build up my
taking care of myself muscles.

gonna work on that.....

pop quiz!

so, nah, i really don't believe there's this big ol' guy in the sky watchin' me
and clappin' in delight as he pulls all the strings to make a point in my life....
but my gosh, it sure feels like that at times.

cause i swear, sometimes when i try to grasp an idea, there's a test right away.
bam.
pop quiz!

did i say i liked the idea of 'world as friend'??? (see post below)
had i really been mulling this over and deciding i wanted to concentrate on it?
did i really say that and not think that i'd be tested??

bam!
pop quiz!

and as i found myself driving, talking to myself and crying,
i really didn't feel like the world was my friend.
in fact, i felt like i totally didn't belong here.

i landed back in my house feelin' wobbly and like i just wanted to plop
down and cry somewhere. maybe just disappear for a bit.

several different things had happened and none of them felt very good.
i felt like i was a way gentle being in a world that was anything but gentle.
and i thought, the world certainly didn't feel like my friend.

what had i been thinking, i wondered??? was i really so far off with wanting
it to be something it wasn't?? i had been struggling with the darkness of the world
for a time now, maybe i was just deluding myself with this world as friend stuff.

i wondered, but kept going. i had stuff to take care of.
i headed to my studio to get a bit centered.

but in the midst of all this,
things were happening.
the world as friend truly was all around me.
even if i didn't know that at first.

there were the hugs from my sons.
real good hugs.
we love you mom hugs.

then a message on my machine from a friend who is nothing but a big ol' heart.
i smiled when i heard her voice and how she was loving me. offering her guidance.

next up on the machine was a friend i had been worried about.
hadn't talked to him in awhile.
i needed to call him back and check on him.
in checkin on him, i ended up telling him how i was feeling.
and yeah, i cried.
kind and gentle, he was right there offering me calm perspective.

then a note in my mailbox from someone i adore.
we don't email much and i was delighted to see her there.
like magic. just when i needed her.
and sure enough, she poured out words that i could hear.
words that helped me make sense of things.
more perspective.

then i started to notice.
there was love all around me.
it was hard not to see it.

and it wasn't something that was just there.
it was showing up for me.

it really felt like it was rallying around me and showing up.

there was the phone message later from a customer telling me how much love
she felt in my work. i smiled and melted.

tossing some stuff in my car, getting ready to pull out again,
my neighbor hollered over.
i hadn't talked to him in ages.
we'd seen each other and waved, but hadn't had a conversation in a long time.
and there he was was.
walking towards me.
as if he knew i could use a smile.
of course.
mixed in the madness was this magic.
and it was getting a little crazy to watch.

he asked how i was.
'well, actually,' i grinned at him, 'i've had a pretty cranky day.'
we laughed and i told him about people stealing my work and all the copyright
headaches. i didn't tell him about the other things whirling around.
figured that was enough.

he's such fun to talk to.
animated, interested, energetic, and enthusiastic.
my sons say it's great fun to watch us together as we really get goin' together.

he's had major health problems. talk about putting life in perspective.
tugging on his coat collar, i asked him how his health was.
there was real mixed in with the laughter and for just a few brief moments
i felt like we shared life together. and it felt way good.

we waved goodbye, and i headed off to be with the most amazing man in the world.

as i drove to his house i thought about it.
i looked at the sky.
no.
the world isn't gentle.
it so isn't gentle.
and yeah, sometimes it overwhelms me.
but i did see the lesson in this.
i did.
there was magic every bit of the way today.
every bit.
even during the times i just felt like i so didn't belong.
and i just need to make sure i see that.
i need to open to that.

i needed to invite that in and embrace it.

the big guy in the sky musta been clappin' his hands in delight.

world as friend

there has been so much crammed into my head the last few weeks,
i've had no idea how to sort thru it or get it out.
i started walking again, knowing for sure that if i didn't,
insanity would find me.

it felt so good to walk fast and breathe the cold air.
my thoughts whirling and whirling, i knew it'd take a few walks
to settle myself down.

walks, working hard, and reading some words to guide me.

i grabbed a book i'd never read before off the shelf.
opened it to a section called 'world as friend'
(this comes from the book  by cynthia kneen, 'awake mind, open heart')

i smiled when i saw the section title.
i've been doin' a lotta pondering on our outlooks towards life.
'world as friend' sounded way good to me.

i've not only had my own struggles with people and life and myself lately,
i've watched others struggling pretty darn hard themselves.

and i'm thinking it'd be way good to struggle less and trust more.

and i definitely am not a fan of world as enemy or world as battle.
i've been watchin' people live that as well and i don't know,
world as friend just felt good.

and then i read this little gem -

'In the Shambhala teachings our world has brilliance and genuineness far
beyond what our minds can grasp, and instead of withdrawing from it we are training
to give in, give out, and appreciate. This is not based on trying to get a good or bad
result. Instead, you realize you are in continual relationship with the world, and your
world will give you a message. The theme is continuity, nonstruggle, nondivision,
unification, friendship with the world. Victory occurs whether you have success or failure,
and you learn to be without aggression or confusion, to be in peace.'

wow.
i read that and loved it.
and then i read it again and i thought 'ohmygosh, i'll never get there.'

laughing here, and nodding and thinking i've got a long long road ahead.

and i love the idea that our world has brilliance and genuineness far beyond what
our minds can grasp.

what the heck does that mean? genuineness far beyond what our minds can grasp?

i can't even figure out what that means.
but i think i love it...........

gifts

a new thought.
so new i'm not sure i'm gonna be able to articulate it.
but that never seems to stop me.

be it society, family, religion, the times....whatever.......
i seemed to have been taught to give myself to others.
to watch and read what they need, and be there giving it.
and yes, even at my own expense.

over the years i became really really good at this.
and when i struggled with it being at my own expense,
i told myself  things like 'they really need it right now, it's the loving
thing to do.' or 'i'm stronger than they are right now and can handle it.'

things like that.
even when it was bad for me, i convinced myself it was a good thing.
i got real good at those explanations to myself.

so good it was way hard to find my way to realizing that loving myself
in the deal mattered. i didn't even know it counted, let alone mattered.

then, of course, i hit a wall.
i don't think you can live like that and do that so well without hitting a wall.
or at least, i'm very grateful i couldn't.
and i realized that if i didn't take care of what i needed, i wouldn't
be able to survive in any way that i could live with.
i realized i would die inside.

it took that extreme feeling for me to wake up.

i started asking myself things like 'is this a loving thing to do for me as well?'
'what are my needs in this situation?' 'am i taking care of that little girl inside of me?'

and i started to live differently.

and i started to grow and learn who i was.

this has gone on for sometime.
and apparently it's led me deeper into realizing how i want to live my life in relation
to others.

and i realize that we are gifts.
i am a gift.
you are a gift.
we are gifts.

and that there are those in our lives who understand that and treat us as such.
they affirm us, give back to us, value us, and realize that our time together is a gift.
and we do the same for them. we are mirrors of our beauty.

then there are those who don't realize we are gifts. they expect us to be in their lives
because ________ (fill in that blank with all kindsa things).

there is resentment when we aren't what they want and don't do what they want.
our being a gift does not enter the equation of the relationship. we are there for them.
their giving back in any real form isn't something that comes into play.

i guess that's not news.
but i tell ya, it feels kinda like news to me right now.

somehow thru some recent struggles and some recent ponderings, i came to a place
where i saw i was a gift.
wow.
i saw i was a gift.
that's big news.

and i wanted to be with people who knew that. and with people i felt were gifts as well.
that's where i wanted to be.

it was more than 'wanted to be'.....it's where i HAD to be.
it felt like something i couldn't ignore anymore.

and it felt magnificent.
and it felt real.

to come all this way......from giving myself away to anyone anytime who needed anything....
to finding my value along the way...to knowing that our value matters and the giving of myself
is a gift to be valued. just as it is with everyone in my life......
and to know that i didn't have enough time on this planet to be with people who didn't
see my value or couldn't step up and offer their hearts as gifts as well. and there didn't feel like
any mean bitterness or anything mixed in there. it just felt right - that's one heck of a travel there.

i'm finding the more i find real the more i need real in my life.
and the real here is that we are gifts.
and we should be spending our time in places we know that,
where we can grow and blossom and be.

there's so much to experience.
so much to live and share and feel.

what an incredible feeling to be holdin' that and believing it, and
spending my time backing it up....

this is new for me. to consciously feel this way so strongly.
and i'm hoping it's just the beginning of some real concentration
on the gifts around me.

best meal ever!

there we all were, cookin' together.
in my kitchen.
squeezin' around each other,
stealing each other's knives (okay, maybe it was me who stole zakk's)
buttin' in at the sink.
slicing, snitchin', and sippin.
and makin' the best tastin' meal i ever had.

and the food felt like abundance to me.
the table felt like some kinda center of some sort of
incredible loving hub.

i sipped outta those wonderfully festive glasses that were my
sister in law's. i couldn't touch them without thinking of how
precious life was. they were such a reminder.

josh did our form of a grace.
and he said something that just really touched in on me.
it's been a hard year for money.
and he mentioned it.
and said even tho we sometimes wished we had more,
we had so much to be grateful for.

i nodded and looked around me.
how odd that all that struggle felt so far away right then.
how amazing that i could sit there and feel like the richest person
on the planet, when just days before i struggled with the numbers.
but i did.
and i was glad he mentioned it.
it felt like he honored my/our struggle with that sentence,
and yet acknowledged that it didnt matter as we sat around
that table. that the abundance was clear. and gratitude was right.

finances were put in perspective with josh's grace.
gratitude washed away fears and worry.
life was cherished while sipping from janene's glasses.
abundance was tasted with every bite of food.
and love filled me with every glance around the table.

what a powerful holiday it really is.
a day to just stop and pay attention, and put life in perspective,
and to truly honor gratitude.

ohmygosh!

wow, i tell ya....a lotta life has been swirling around me.
a lotta life, a lotta death, a lotta gratitude, a lotta pain, a lotta
feeling connected, a lotta feeling disconnected.

a whole heck of a lotta life.

so when i looked up from work and realized thanksgiving was here at
my house this year and i should actually make it look festive, i was surprised.
oh yeah!
let me do that!

the guys were working, there was music coming from their direction,
but it was mostly quiet.

i had finished up all the stuff i needed to do with my own work,
and could now just putter in the kitchen.

the guys and i make the meal together on thanksgiving day.
best idea i ever had in my life.
it's always such fun, it's so easy, and it's great family time together.

so puttering in the kitchen, making the tables festive, workin' on a few
goodies here and there was nothing but a joy.

there was no pressure at all.
anything i did was to add to the fun.

it's been a few years since i've had the holiday here at my house.
it was as if i'd forgotten how to make thanksgiving happen!
hard to believe after all those years of doing it.
i laughed.

hmmmmmmm.........we gotta make this place festive.
tablecloths! i need tablecloths!
i rounded up the christmas tablecloths.
close enough.
i need some nice plates.
ah! the snowman plates!
i pulled out the 'winter' plates with the snowmen on them.

and then i looked at the festive glasses in the cupboard.
they were my sister in law's. i was given them when she passed.
i wondered if i'd ever be able to use them.
at first i had trouble even looking at them.
but now....
i looked at them and thought 'it's time. i'd like her here with us.'

and i pulled them out with a smile.
i checked with the guys to make sure they'd be okay with it.
they were.
deal.
she's with us.

i picked out all the best of the stuff i had to put on the table.
and started placing it out carefully.

i set a place for my guy, right next to me.
'i just want to be near him' i thought.
i pictured sitting there talking, resting my hand on his knee,
leaning in to his shoulders when i laughed.
it seemed like forever since he's been around.
and this is the first thanksgiving he'd really really really be with us.
my heart just filled.

i put candles in the middle of the table,
set the utensils out.

and then......it hit me.
for the first time in my whole life.
for the first thanksgiving ever in my 51 years......

i understood.
i really really understood.

i was setting the table to welcome gratitude in.

it wasn't setting the table for ANYONE  - it was for GRATITUDE.
it was a way to honor gratitude. it was a way to welcome it in.
it was a way to celebrate it.

i totally and completely understood what thanksgiving was.
it filled me as i leaned over my table.

all those past thanksgivings.......all the strings that always get tangled
in thanksgiving.....they were always there. family stuff, pressure stuff,
divorce stuff, trying to make it okay stuff.....all the strings....always there.
even the last few years that were so good......there was missing bob stuff.
there was other family stuff. even thru the good stuff, there were still strings
tangled for me.

but this time.....

they weren't there.
they just weren't there.

i don't know if it's cause of the way it's all approached so fast and there's
been so much else goin' on.......or if i've healed enough, or if it's cause bob
will be here.....or just a bit of all of that....

but they aren't here!
and somehow that opened the door for me to see.

of course i knew thanksgiving was about gratitude.
of course i knew it was a day to be thankful.

but  i didn't know it was more than that.

it almost felt like there was a 'ghost of gratitude'........a SPIRIT of gratitude
that i was welcoming to my table, welcoming to my kitchen, to my home....
to my heart.

no. not almost.
totally.

that's totally what it feels like.

how awesome is that?!

how much is there to this living stuff that i just don't even know about?!
it's so cool to bump into these things i just didn't even realize!

and so i post this tonite - the nite before thanksgiving - as my thanksgiving post.
tomorrow i want to spend with my family.....and with the spirit of gratitude floating
around my house.

and as i finish this up, i glance up at the kitchen. where i see one of my sons
staring to make a pie.....

i think that ol' spirit of gratitude and i need to do a little dance tonite.....
it's gonna be one good holiday!

mountain spirit gifts

this is just the coolest thing......
and a great story as we head into thanksgiving!

we now have our first official shop!

check it out!

ornaments of life

she stopped by to drop something off.
'can't stay, gotta run'
'okay will walk you out as we talk...'
got to the car and she turned to me -
'wanna come with me?'

i ran to get my shoes.

it's hard to find time to catch up.
so we grabbed the drive down to her daughter's school
and the time sitting in the parking lot as our catch up time.

and as it turned out, her daughter took awhile so we could really catch up.
sitting in the car in the dark we shared the stuff of our lives.
i love how we do that.

hopping in the car, her daughter announced she didn't have a lotta time til the next thing
on the schedule. i grinned. i can't imagine all she keeps up with.

she's my god-daughter.
and i just adore her.

i needed filling in on her life.
and her boyfriend.
and i didn't have much time.
so i got right down to the questions.

she's one of those girls we'd all like to have for our daughter.
she's got it all, she's beautiful, talented, friendly, well rounded,
gets good grades and is confident in who she is.

so i prefaced the question with that kinda thought.....
she's beautiful, but it's her confidence that adds to that beauty and makes
her stunning, i told her as a matter of fact. she had so much going for her
and did so many things.

so how does a girl who's got all that going for her feel about her boyfriend?
is he the center if the world?

after announcing how much she loves life, she explained that he can't be.
there's too much going on. she needs to balance it to do everything she wants to do.

and how if it was like a christmas tree, her family would be the star at the top.
'he's an ornament' she said.
and then she thought about that and said 'well, maybe he's the lights.'

and we agreed that'd work well as he ran thru all kindsa things in her life
and lit them up and was important....but he wasn't the whole darn tree.

the tree was life itself.

yeah.
how cool is that??
you gotta love this girl.

i turned to my friend who was driving.
what's one of your favorite ornaments? i asked her.

we talked about that and how many really amazing ornaments there are.

my god-daughter even threw in descriptions like 'that's a glass one at the top.'

oh yeah.
she's my kinda girl.

and she's given me some really great food for thought.
i'll be thinking about all the different ornaments in my life now........
and i'll be decorating that tree of life in my mind.

wanna join me?
she may have started something here!

dinner with the sky

i slipped on my coat and my shoes and grabbed my plate of dinner
and went out on my back porch to have dinner with the evening sky.

the sun had already gone down, but there was still light out there.
it was chilly and gorgeous.

i sat there chewing and looking and thinking that maybe this was really
how i'd have to spend my dinner times after the guys moved out.
talk about awesome company!

but something wasn't quite right.

i finished up, stashed my plate and moved off of the porch.

having a roof over your head when you're looking at the sky just
seems to take something away. almost makes you feel itchy or something.

i picked a tree in the yard and went and sat with my back against it.
there wasn't much of a slope, but between the small slope where i was
sitting and my slippery jacket, i kept sliding downhill.

this entertained me for a few times.
listening to the noise of my coat against the bark,
feeling the feeling of a tiny slide....
but then i figured if i were truly going to let my soul hear the sky,
i had better move away from the tree.

i scooted forward just a a bit.

and sat there drinking in the sky.

thoughts would wander in and out.

i thought of the anniversary of her death.
a young girl. way too young to decide to die.
but who is no longer here.

still after years, i can still stop and think about it
and have it feel like yesterday. i've been trying not
to feel it so strongly. but the anniversary brings it out
in me. and i can feel it wrap around me.

i thought of being here.
how it can be so hard sometimes.
and i understand that.
but every bit of me wants to be here.

i really do.

i watched an airplane fly across the sky.
its lights shone up in the growing darkness.

i thought of how good it was to be able to sit there and watch it.
i totally loved that airplane as i watched it fly over my yard.
i so know i won't have this forever - this ability to sit here and look -
i just wanted to soak it in while i could.

i looked at the outlines of the dark inky trees against the sky.

you can't really draw a tree. i thought.
you can't grab that soul that they have.
you have to look at them and really see them.
you have to open up and feel their energy.

i started to look at all the trees and all the branches against the sky.
the feeling of the tree's energy overwhelmed me.

look at all that soul.
there was so much of it.
so many branches.
so much energy reaching up to the sky.

i couldn't get over it.
all that energy.

it's there all the time. and yet i don't notice.
but when i do look.......it's overwhelming.

it filled me so much i had to look away.

how could that be?

i thought of how i don't understand anything.
energy. life. loss.

i just don't understand life. so much about it.
so so much.

but i don't wan to miss it. even if i don't understand it.

i want to see and to look and to soak it all in.
i want to live.

i thought of her again.
and how she couldn't anymore.
she just couldn't live anymore.
and she chose to leave.

a tear ran down my cheek.

i don't understand any of it.
but i want to be part of all of it.

and lately, i feel like i have been.
it's worn me right on out.
caused floods of tears.
and yet....given me such moments of gratitude.
such feelings of wanting to live.
wanting to hold it all.

i seem to be walking right into the perfect mood for thanksgiving....

tea with the moon

it's no secret that i cry a lot.
i speak of it freely.
we joke of it often.

so i guess it's no surprise that in holding tears back
for two weeks, there will indeed be a flood.

i should know that's the law of terri's tears.

i thought i had taken care of that the other nite.
i thought a good cry and i'd be just fine.

apparently, i had forgotten how much i can cry.
i had forgotten how much i had to make up for.
i had tried to hide all that i was feeling from myself.

and well, none of that holds up real well in the law of tears.

for indeed, there was a flood.

that wouldn't stop.

it would all slow down and almost dry up and i would think i was
done when something else would start it all over again.

thank goodness i'm surrounded by men who are okay with this.
they hold me or wait patiently or joke kindly or gently give me space.
sometimes they call in reinforcements and get another brother involved.
but they're always good about it.

my guy came over and just held me and said 'you need to get it out' as i got it out all
over his very wet shoulder. there is something about that man's shoulder
that is unlike any other place in the world.

he reminded me of what i needed reminding.
and when it was time for him to go, i felt quieter, like the waters had subsided.

i turned from saying goodbye to him and reached down to pull a weed.
and i just kept going.

i went from him to the garden.

and then i gardened to the sunset.

the sky was turning pink, the air felt so fresh.
i needed to put my hands on the plants and in the earth.
and so i gardened to the sunset.

i walked to the shed to get something and kept looking up as if i was
going to walk right up into the glowing sky.

i breathed it in. soaked it in and held it.

heading back to the front garden i could feel the peace of the evening
wrapping around me.

and to my amazement, each son of mine wandered nearby doing something.
one was taking pictures, one was fooling with his car and one came over to
fill me in on his weekend.

it wasn't lost on my tear weary brain that this was a gift.
i looked at each one of them doing their thing.
and i realized it was an odd moment that found us all out there right then.
i can't remember the last time we had a moment like this.

i finished up as it got too dark to see.
'you guys want to have a cup of hot tea under the moon?'

i scooted in to make some tea..
cherry berry tea.

and there we sat.
in the grass.
in no particular spot.
just a place where we could see the moon.
in the dark.
under the moon.
laughing.
and teasing.

the fresh air made everyone feel alive.
the unusual gathering brought out the fun.
the teasing began in earnest.

one son laughed so hard it sounded like he'd laugh his lungs right outta his body.
i started laughing just watching him.
it felt good.
a one-liner caught me off guard.
i spit my tea in the grass rather than choke on it with the laughing.
this sent all the guys into their own fits of laughter.
apparently it's a sign of triumph to get me to spit out whatever's in my mouth
so i don't die laughing. there's some sort of challenge there that when met,
always receives loud rounds of appreciation.

i could smell the earth.
i could see the moon.

i looked at that moon.
and i knew what was happening right at that moment.
i knew i was living a gift that was so incredibly precious.

i closed my weary puffed up eyes and thanked the universe for this life that
is so confusing and scary and deep and full and filled with beauty.
i thanked the universe for this life that is mine.

and i drank my tea with the most amazing guys in the whole world.

livid

it's funny.
it's not often i get 'livid.'
but i think livid was lurking in me and just needed to come out.

and well........it did.
and i let it out.
yeah.
i did.

coulda been worse.
coulda been way worse.

it was controlled livid.

but i needed to step outside to cool down.

i had pulled out the window box planters the day before.
planted some pansies and had left them in the yard along with
a couple other pots of pansies that go on the porch.

i went outside and popped those babies back where they belonged.

ever notice how strong you are when you're livid?
wow.
i coulda moved the whole house.

i fixed my front door that needed fixing. it's been needing fixing for days.
wasn't til i was livid that i had the energy to just take care of that thing.

livid can come in handy.

and as i was fixing it, i started to laugh.
a soft amused little laugh.

'what did you expect, little girl?' i asked myself with a smile.

and i laughed.

a good sorta laugh.

a knowing sorta laugh.

why is it that just because i know something needs to change, i try to force it to change?
and then i get mad when it doesn't change? not just mad. but livid?

i gotta laugh.

so many times my anger could be avoided if i'd just accept what was really there.
just know it. and leave it.

why in the world would i be livid for something/someone being what it/they always were?
for staying true to the pattern?

and honest to pete, this is something i do.

suppose you know someone who steals all the time.
you invite them over saying this time they won't steal from me.
and then they steal from you.
and you get livid.

well........like.....hello.

what did you expect?
this is what it is.
don't invite a thief to your house.

just cause you want something to be different doesn't mean it is.
you silly goose.

and i truly truly am amused at myself.
i'm not mad at me. i don't even think i can be all that livid anymore.

it's almost funny.
not quite.
but almost.

i want something changed.
and it's not.

then you know what? i gotta learn what to leave be.

i just learned.
yet again.

a new ritual...well, and old one....but a new one for me....

i was so touched by my buddy...er...um....adopted little brother.....lighting a candle
for me the other nite.......when i needed it so much and he didn't even realize how much...
i decided that i was gonna start doing this on a regular basis - light a candle for people.
at nite. when i was done doin' all the busy craziness of the day.
whenever i could.

i wrote myself a note to remember as i get so side tracked i have trouble keeping up with myself.

and not long after that what should happen but another friend come thru and literally asked
me to light a candle for her.

i glanced down at the note i had just written.

are you kidding me?!

i should be used to this stuff by now.....but i swear, sometimes it's just too cool.
talk about perfect timing.
gosh, sometimes that's just too weird.

what was cool about this was i started noticing stuff in my heart.
maybe because i knew i'd be sitting quietly soon and i wanted to bring myself to that place
as open as possible. not sure. but i started paying attention.

and my gosh, there was some rough stuff floating around in my heart.

i watched it thru out the evening.

wow, i kept thinking.
i gotta light a candle for my heart as well.

when it was nice and quiet, i grabbed my candle holder that holds three candles.
quietly i lit each one thinking of several different friends that needed light right then
and including my own heart in on the deal.

there is something so healing about sitting with a candle.
i thought of how much it meant to me to be quietly remembered the nite before,
and so i sat and quietly thought of my friends. and held them right there in my living room.
and left a space open for my heart.

ritual.
there's something really powerful about it.

i think i just started a new one for myself.

tears

it was dark, and once again i was walking across that darn dark parking lot.
i hated doing that.
at least this time it was early and not two in the morning, like before.
but it was dark, and i had to park way down the way.
i avoid dark parking lots like the plague.
and here i was, walking across them way too often now.
i hurried to the car,
hopped in,
locked the door.
and that's when i finally finally felt like i was going to lose it.

the tears came to my eyes.

for the first time since the nite over a week ago since this had all happened.
the tears welled right up.

way back then, on that first nite, i held back the tears, so scared and not
knowing what was going on. shaking and trying hard to stand up and pay attention.

and then, when they had said it was 'just' a kidney stone, the tears came in relief.

who knew how hard the week would be for him.
who know how many hospital runs and how long it would all take.
but still, in the back of my head, relief that it wasn't 'serious.'

i had thought of my friend, mary, many times during the week.
she had been a caretaker for years.
caring first for her mom, and then later for her dad.
all thru their journeys to their passings.

never before had she looked so strong to me.
every time i thought of her, i thought of how incredibly strong she had to be.
she'd appear to me like a darn super hero as i'd drive and think of her.
and i felt like a darn weakling in comparison.

this was nothing.
and yet i felt every feeling there was to feel.......the stress was high in me.
trying to keep the business goin' smoothly, tyrin' to think of everything,
trying to stay healthy after getting sick in the middle of it all, i felt stress,
worry, fatigue....all that stuff......but no tears all week. just tense stuff.
wired stuff. or exhausted stuff.

which is odd as i'm a tear person. that's where i go first.
but i had tucked them away. and hadn't shed any.

it wasn't until i got in the car that i was ready to completely lose it.
and i could feel the tears ready to pour out of me.

and i knew knew knew knew it was time and i needed to do that.

altho.
not yet.

i still had the drive home in the dark.
it takes all the concentration i have to drive at nite in the dark.
so i told those tears welling in my eyes they'd just have to wait til i got home.
and THEN they could just pour on out. (the guys tell me that's the german in me)

i wanted to put up being a responsible adult, and just sit and cry like a little kid.

i saw zakk when i first came in. 'all good?' he asked. 'yep.' i answered.
a few quick words where i avoided looking at him and he went back to work.

then i saw noah. and my lip curled under like a little kid's and the tears came.
zakk heard noah's 'what's wrong???' and he came in. i glanced at him sheepishly.
i tried....i really did try to be okay.

i told them i just needed to fall apart.

and whoever raised these guys did a few things right cause they encouraged that
and said i needed a good cry. they were fine with it.

i'll just check my messages first, and then i'll go cry in the shower, i told myself.

and there.
sitting in my messages is a note from my newly adopted little brother.
telling me he knew how much the symbolism of a candle meant to me,
and how he knew i wanted to be one for other people, and so he lit one for me.

he lit one for me and thought of me.

and THAT'S when i lost it.

i started crying.
and just let it flow.

tears.
clarissa says 'tears are a river that take you somewhere.'

i think when i can't cry them, i'm locking part of me out.

finally finally i let the tears wash me home to where i needed to be.

angels and leprechauns

and so there we were, in the ER again...only this time
in the waiting room. standing at the front desk, hoping they already
knew he was to be admitted.

as we stood there and waited i saw the older gentleman sitting there.
i smiled at him. he smiled back.

i turned back to the desk.

i heard him ask the young man, the only other person  in the waiting room,
if he needed any help with his paperwork. the young man didn't. my back
was to them. but i smiled anyway. what a nice guy to even offer, i thought.

we got ushered right into the next room and then on to the next room
and then finally on to the real room.

it was hours and hours later when i stood at the desk and asked how
on earth i'd ever find my car again. i got the directions and turned
to get on the elevator.

who should be getting on with me, but that same elderly man i saw
when i first walked in. he asked about my 'husband' i smiled and filled
him in and i found out about his wife. i said goodbye as i got off the elevator.
and promptly took a wrong turn.

standing there looking beat and confused and trying really hard to remember
what the gal at the desk had told me, the sweet man, who by now reminded
me of a leprechaun in his little green suit coat, asked me where i wanted to go.
i told him and he said he'd walk me out.

i smiled, thanked him, and he took me right on out into a place i recognized.
before i could tell him how wonderful he was, he was off talkin' to another person.
i left with a smile on my face and a thought in my head.

he was right there. he was exactly there when i needed him.
i was so so so tired. and all those darn doors and hallways looked the same.
i was headin in the wrong direction, and there he was.
just smiling and helping me out.
that happens to me ALL the time.
right when i need it, there's help.
it's like my world is covered in angels and leprechauns.
and i sooooo want to live like i know that.
i want to just know that magic is around me all the time.
sometimes i do.
sometimes i forget.
sometimes i get too tired to remember.

i ran home.
work was waiting.
i started filling orders, still thinking about this.

thinking about how i've watched the different ways that our really deep
underlying feeling operates in our lives.

i've watched a lotta people and how they approach the world.

some view the world as a place to meet problem after problem,
some view it as a dog- eat-dog kinda place, some view it as a competition,
some view it as there will never be enough.
there's a million different views. including the magic one.

i want to live the magic one, i thought.
i want to view the world as filled with angels and leprechauns.

and then.....sure enough..........because this is how magic works.....
as i was thinking of all this,
the phone rang. i couldn't grab it as my hands were filled. so i had to call
back. it was a customer needing help.

but you know.......it was way more than that.
cause my life is filled with magic.
it was one heck of an awesome woman.
showing up at the most perfect moment.
touching me right in the spot that needed touching.

there's a place inside me right now that needs some attention.
it has to do with the divine feminine. i've been watching it.
knowing there's some searching i have to do in that area.
feeling this space inside me that i want to sit with and haven't.
and here's this woman, a wonderful wise woman calling me
who launches right into a divine feminine conversation with me.
i smiled.
talk about magic.
there she was, reminding me of my path, reminding me of my passion.
taking all the fatigue and lifting it from my shoulders.

i just sunk back in my chair and inhaled her.
she was exactly what i needed. exactly when i needed her.

of course.
cause that's the way life works.
angels and leprechauns. they're everywhere.
if you let them in.

much to learn

so the lesson's been buzzin' around my head for awhile now.
in so many different buzzy forms.

okay!
okay!
i hear you!
stop already.
i'll think about it!

and i've been thinking about it a lot lately.

it's more of the learning what's mine and what's not mine.
the learning of letting go of stuff that belongs to other people.

it's basically the 'nobody asked you for your opinion, ter.' stuff.
i've been playing with this for awhile now.

but it's got a lot of different flavors that go with it.
there's a lotta threads to it.
and i'm really starting to see a whole bunch of them.
and trust in the process of life is soooo at the bottom of it all.

i've been thinking about people i let in and ask advice from.
it's a select few. people i totally trust who's opinions i value.
i go to them in a heartbeat.
it's not a whole huge crew. it's a select few.
cause that's how we work.
we've got those really close people we count on.

i forget that's how people work.
i think just cause i care, and have a thought that  i think could help,
i can offer it.

that's so not true.

even with the few people i go to, it works way better when i go
to them and ask for help rather than them just piping in when they
think i need the advice. i hear better when i ask.

giving advice is a delicate thing.

and then........what's the reasons i would give advice?
when nobody asks??
that's a great thing to look at.

so i've been watching me.
and the things i've wanted to say here, and there.
some of these people have asked me my opinions before,
and some very obviously haven't.
and none of them are asking now.

what is that about, girl? why the need to speak?

and i feel like i've hit a gold mine of stuff to look at.
with each situation, the answer's different.
how cool is that?
it gives me lots of different perspectives to choose from.
to learn from.
'wanting to help' seems mixed in all of it....and some sort of
arrogance that i have an answer.
and at the bottom of it all? total lack of trust in the other person's process.

sigh.
that's not help.
and when it comes down to it, i trust way more than i act like most times.

i just forget.
i just act without thinking.

lately i've been thinking a lot about it.
and i see....people live their lives just fine. when they really want some help,
they ask. and it's really okay to wait for people to ask.

i've blogged about this recently.
but it keeps coming back up into my face.

i think i have much to learn here.
and so i bring it up once again.
and probably a hundred more times.
til i get the hang of this....

it's truly okay to hush up and just tend to my own life.
it truly is okay.

weekend food for thought

wow........it was so cool to catch it when it happened.

i was thinking of someone who hurt my feelings.
someone i like and admire.

so i was thinking of that when, i swear, going right thru my head
was this sentence - 'maybe you didn't do ______ good enough.'
(the blank doesn't matter....you can fill in whatever you like)

and bam!
the SECOND i thought it, i heard it.

i was blaming me for them hurting my feelings.

and i stopped and went 'wow'.....'you gotta be kidding me, terri'

i haven't done anything wrong.
and there i was just figuring i did or this wouldn't have happened.

which.......um........isn't true.

i'm not exactly sure why it happened, but it didn't happen because
i wasn't good enough at this or that.

how many times do we do that to ourselves???
gosh, i bet i do it a ton.
but here's the kicker! i heard it the moment i said it!
ha!

and then here's the other kicker....there really doesn't have
to be ANY blame. it just happened.

i wanted to put that out there for the weekend.
thought maybe it'd be a good thing for us to watch thruout the weekend.
what are the chances that blaming ourselves for something that we
don't need to blame ourselves for runs thru our heads at least once?
what are the chances we'll catch it and know it's false?
what are the chances we'll leave the blame behind all around?

weekend food for thought.

listening

i had slept great, gotten plenty of rest.
yeah, i'd been workin' really hard, and yeah i kept thinking of my guy
and his health, and yeah, i had been barely touching the caffeine,
but nahhh wasn't enough to explain how beat i was.

i was wicked beat.

like ready to go back to bed beat.
and i had just gotten up.

so then i did something really really cool.

as i was workin' on some mindless stuff in the studio, i asked myself why.
i asked myself what was going on.
why so tired, ter??

and i got some answers.

and yeah, wasn't a lack of sleep.
was a tangle of emotions.

ha!
that is so cool.
i tell ya, i can get my sleepiest when my emotions are tangled.

and right there, as soon as i asked, i answered.

and then! i said 'okay, what'll we do about it?'

and yep!
the answers came.
right away i knew i needed some exercise.
the whole exercise schedule has been outta whack this week.
and i knew that going outside for a walk was really what i needed.

i knew eating something healthy and light was what i needed to do for lunch.

i knew i had to work on things that centered me.

i knew i had to put my thoughts on good stuff.

i knew what to do.
and i was so cool about doin' it.

it wasn't just a list i pulled out like 'do this when you dont' feel good.'
it was like my insides were talkin' to me.

i had thought of something i wanted for lunch, and a voice inside said
nah, you don't want that. it'll make you sleepy. eat this. it'll help.

that kinda thing.

i'm posting this cause really this is not usual for me to do.
and what amazed me was i felt so much better all day.
the dead tired stuff went away.

that's absolutely amazing to me.

our insides really do know what's goin' on.
i so want to learn to listen more.

join in on the light.....be part of it!

if you haven't been over to mary's blog and joined in the quilt give away,
i want to really really nudge you to go on over.

you gotta donate to some sort of hurricane relief.....which is a great nudge
to do it if you haven't already........but it's so much more than that.

i put the link to the top of the page - you're gonna have to scroll down
to get to the quilt post........but 'it takes a village' - the post above that,
gets you in the mood.

joining in and supporting this matters.

because mary's offering the purest light from her heart.
and knowing mary, that's some pretty darn beautiful light.

to be a part of that matters.
in ways i don't even understand.

i hope you'll head over.
you can click here.

mary.....i'm so proud to know you and to call you friend.

one small moment

there was a moment that i think i'll hold forever.

they were wheeling him out on a stretcher
(see post below....he's fine!)
but yeah, i didn't know he was fine at this point.
i didn't know what was wrong with him.
and i was scared.

i was really really scared.

they were wheeling him out the front door,
i was in the mix of paramedics and emergency people going out the door.
he was a funny color, in a ton of pain, sweaty, his heart rate was really low,
and i'm sure really scared, and he looks down and sees the box that was
delivered and left on his porch.

'ter, that's our christmas tree.' he says thru the pain.

i glanced down.

'you just get back here to put it up with me,' i thought.
but didn't say anything out loud.

later, hangin' out in the ER, he mentioned the tree.
i had no idea he was gonna get one.
wasn't sure he'd ever even want one.
there's been a lotta hard stuff associated with christmas for him
and i just wasn't sure where we'd go with all that.

'i want us to have holidays.' he said.

and my heart melted.

it's been a lotta years together. and for many complicated reasons,
holidays have been hard. they haven't felt like holidays to me. and he
knows that. and he knows how much i miss them.

what a way to hear about the tree.
sitting in the ER room.

when we got home late that nite, the box was moved inside the front door.
my sons had stopped by to take care of a few things and they had put it inside for us.

i saw it had been moved, and warmed at their kindness. they had been my
heroes all nite. and they topped it off by moving the tree inside.

'that's gonna be one heck of a tree' i thought as i hurried by it to get him his medicine.

i think it's gonna take some time for us to get holidays ironed out into something smooth
and easy. various reasons that can't all be fixed right away. and today, instead of being
bummed about that, i keep thinking how lucky i am that he's here. and that he got us
a tree cause he cares. and that we're together.

funny how life can put things in perspective. and now that tree's gonna help me
remember that perspective.

i've always loved christmas trees. this one now holds some pretty amazing extra meaning.

the sounds of living

there were so many different angles to it,
that i don't even know where to start.

the complete relief to find out it was a kidney stone.
(his, not mine - which may have also added to the relief...
it wasn't MINE!)
the complete fear before that with shaking thru the 911 call
and the ambulance ride that went on forever.
the feeling completely helpless.
the gratitude mixed in for the help.
the frustration at some of the mishaps along the way.
the 2 or 3 hours sleep and going full steam on that and feeling happy
because it was just a kidney stone.
the realizing it's not JUST a kidney stone, that that is tremendous pain,
yet still feeling happy.
the complete awe of the human body.
the internal vow to drink more water and care for my body better.

on and on......

and yet, the thing that stands out for me the most, or what's hangin'
on the most at this point is the complete mix that life is. there were
several big examples of it to me as the nite went on....
but the one that just about creamed me was the one that happened
late at nite.

we were hangin' out. waiting to be released.
it had been a looooooong evening.
we had our own little room in the ER.
you could still hear everything going on, but you had some privacy.

but that's the thing.....the hearing....without the seeing.
altho, i'm sure i'm glad i couldn't see........

the wailing started.
the man in some sort of tremendous pain/agony.
screaming and wailing it out.

it was late, i was pretty done in.
didn't have a lot of extra energy to hold it together.
and i heard him wail.
and it went right thru me.

but ya see......he wasn't the only one there.
there was a whole lotta activity goin' on.
a whole lotta activity.
it was an ER room.....

and i heard people chatting and laughing in the foreground.
with the wailing in the background.

it positively gave me the shivers.

i told myself it had to be that way.
there was so much goin' on.
the people who work here have to survive.
they have to tune out and go about their business.

in my head i totally understand that.

it's just that my insides were havin' a really really hard time with it.
with each wail i just cringed.

his wasn't the only sound like that.
there was the infant crying so hard.

an infant.
crying and crying.

i so wanted to slip out of the room and hold the baby.

and i could hear the chatting and the joking and the laughing happening
all around me. mixed in with the crying, the wailing, the fear, the pain.

this is life, i thought.
this is it.
a complete and total mix.

i'm not exactly sure how i feel about that.
but it's what's been whirling around in me ever since.

the sounds of living.
the mix that it is.
and the gratitude to be part of it.

gettin' over a bad case of the wobbles...

it was odd how it started.

i was walking.
my sons had to told me about a convicted sex offender up the street.
i thought of it as i walked,
and that got me thinking about when i was a kid and when i was molested.

funny how that stuff will surface.
and it did.
in one of those not good ways.

and then, i honestly don't know.....
i don't know if the kid part of me got shaky and insecure or what.
but one thing led to another, and by friday afternoon, i had one of those
mini meltdowns with the tears and the whole bit. the world just
seemed to overwhelm me.

and i genuinely think that it started that morning on the walk.
which in a way, is cool to track back and see.

i've been watching.
the insecurities come up and then man, the fears plow in.
whew.

i'd get steady, then wobbly, then steady and tell myself it's okay,
it will pass, then wobbly.

and then, with the amazing grace that is part of my life,
certain messages came in that tugged at me and reminded me of what
i want out of life and what i want to do with my life.

on top of that, my incredible sons gently nudged me and reminded me i wasn't a victim.

honestly, how cool is that?!

i'm not a victim and i can work on how i react and what i do here.

i was feeling overwhelmed.
incapable.
insecure.
that kinda stuff.

and i can see clearly how feeling insecure and all those darn memories
and other memories brought out the 'no control' feelings.....the feelings
of being a victim.

my sons nailed it right away.
and i shake my head in wonder that i have such amazing guys in my life!
they not only nailed it, they could tell me in a way i could hear.
pretty awesome stuff right there.

so, ter, take it one step at a time.
look at each piece.
handle each piece one at a time.
you can do that.

look at what you're doing.
why you're doing it.
and do it.
one step at a time.

and........and...........and..........be aware of the little girl inside of you.
because she needs attention.
some reassurance.
cause when that stuff comes up,
part of me can't figure out my value.

and i think that was at the core of my wobbles this weekend......

if you can't figure out your value, if you lose faith in that.......
you wobble around and feel out of control.
and you do become a victim, don't you?

that's some good stuff to hold as i head into a new week.

the knowing it's up to me.
and i'm not a victim.

mary and her light AND her quilt!

i've been doin' some strugglin' the last few days.....
i'll get some thoughts together and write something later.....

but when i struggle, there always seems to be some amazing people
that come thru with things that remind me of light and goodness and
things i need reminded of.

mary has always been a light for me.
and here she is doin' something really really awesome!
and while i'm gonna donate just cause it's a good thing to do and i care.......
i want a chance at her quilt!

you gotta check out this deal! and more importantly......this woman and her heart!

click right here to warm your heart!

just be

every chance i get, i'm mentioning 'acceptance.'

and yeah, it's prolly smart to stay miles away from me right now.

i keep thinking of it.
and how it fits.
everywhere.

my mind is busy, flowing everywhere......

and then......

.......i stepped out into the dark.

and there it was.

the dark november sky.
with the cold air.
the branches - many bare now - reaching up to the sky.

i stopped in my tracks.
looking up.
forgetting everything.

and it all just landed on me.
and i just stood there while it did.

the stillness.

the depth.

the awe.

and i heard it.

right there.

as plain as plain.

'just be.'

and everything fell away.

waking up a bit more...

i rushed thru the last part of my day.
i had two brand new books waiting for me,
and both felt like treasures.

while ordering a mark nepo book for a friend,
i couldn't resist getting myself a whole new one!
and then a friend gifted me with tara brach's 'radical acceptance.'
how perfect is that?!
(thank you, sherry!!)

both were calling me.

curling in and reading them, i couldn't soak them in fast enough.

there's so much to learn!
and i'm hungry for it right now.
i can see there's so much i don't know and so much to experience and try.

my guy tells me i'm a tinkerer with my thoughts and emotions.
i've always laughed and nodded.
yeah, i'll buy that.

but this is different.
i feel so ready to learn this stuff of living.
i don't want to tinker. i want to really learn it.
to really live it.

there's a line in mark's book....
heck, there's a lotta lines.......

but this one.....

'in the practice of our days, to listen is to lean in, softly,
with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.'

ohmygosh.

can you just imagine living like that???

'the work of wakefulness is not to drop what we do, but to inhabit it
more completely, holding nothing back.'

ever feel like you just woke up and you want to dive in and play?

that'd be me right now.
oh yeah. that'd be me.