inner crones

i don't even know how to explain what happened.
there's so many really cool delicious threads to it all.
but instead of trying to bring them all in and make it all crazy complicated,
let me just say this -
my inner crone came to visit last nite.

i've actually gone to her two times before this,
but this is the first time she came to me without me asking (that i know of).

what's an inner crone?
i have no idea.
what's an inner child?
i think a crone is the same thing only older.
other than that, i really don't know what they are!

and yes, i'm smiling with delight as i type this.

and without even asking,
but certainly with definite need of her thoughts,
she came.
and she told me to really really work with my visuals.
do them as much as i could.
embrace them.
feel them.
use them.
and that they would be the tool that i could use to keep
my heart afloat in this world, and to open like i really want to.

i actually forgot all about her visit.
i was quite pleased last nite.
fell asleep and woke up having forgotten.

sad thoughts of my friend and her passing filled my head.
living life fully and all that stuff came to mind.
but i totally forgot my visitor!
jeesh!

it was a poem that reminded me again.
a poem i thought of this morning.
i want to post the poem here in her honor.

and i remembered her again.
and her visit.
and what she said.
and i got filled with excitement.

i've been backing away from so many feelings inside me lately.
just haven't known how to hold them all.
and now i have this real sense that i need to embrace that side of
me that...ahem....well......for lack of a better word....
we could call the bizarre.
to really embrace that and work with the way that works for me.
i mean, that's such a no-brainer.
and yet, i don't.
but now i want to throw myself into it all.

whatever these visuals are - be they bizarre, or just goofy, or
weird nerve spasms...or words from my depths....
whatever they are.....they help me.
and they help me access a knowing deep inside of me.
and maybe....just maybe.......they'll help me hold all the things
that i don't know how to hold.

and i need that.

so i'm toasting my inner crone today and feeling such gratitude
for the way my brain works. it certainly adds a lot of color to my life!

and in that ol' crone's honor, i'd like to post this piece of a poem
by clarrissa pinkola estes from her 'women who run with the wolves' book.
(and for any woman who may not have read this book.......i have practically
worn out my copy. it truly is a bit like a bible for me. honestly, it's worth
checking out!)

here we go -

...one night
there's a heartbeat at the door.
Outside, a woman in the fog,
dripping green lake water.
She says "I am you,
and I have traveled a long distance.
Come with me, there is something I must show you..."
She turns to go, her cloak falls open,
Suddenly, golden light...everywhere, golden light...

holding this poem close with the deepest respect for what each one of us
holds inside ourselves, and bowing quietly...

wading thru it

i had no idea it was coming.
was completely stunned when i read the note telling me.
and then, of course, all the stuff that comes with grief, came.

she passed away this weekend.
i learned about it on a note on my phone.
it felt so surreal.

all the things you tell yourself, i've been telling myself.

the perspective that comes slamming down slammed in.

i look at the sky and think she isn't here to see it.
the trees budding - the whole spring coming - that whole energy.
i felt my hands on my steering wheel this morning and just concentrated
on their ability to feel. how the steering wheel cover felt spongy.
the cold that made me shiver today,
the warmth of the water i was drinking.
all stuff she's not here for, i've been noticing.

and two things that seem to be scorchin' my insides a ton right now are fear and awareness.

it happens every time i lose someone.
such a strong fear that wakes up and reminds me that in a blink it all changes.
that i have absolutely no control.
and that people disappear and are just gone.

i so so so don't like that.

as in any fear, it makes we want to grasp.
grasp what, i don't know.
so i blindly grasp for something that doesn't exist.
never a good feeling.

and then there's that awareness that the fear brings front and center -
life is short, live it.

my son brought up a quote yesterday. he couldn't remember it exactly,
but we all know the gist - live your life brightly and fully - burn the candle
brightly so all that's left is ash.

that struck me as that train of thought was already whirlin' around inside me.

this morning i sat on top of my pellet stove. the fire inside the stove was going
and it was definitely the comfort spot of my home. i sat there eating a ricecake
and thinking. was thinking about the living fully stuff.

it really struck me how easy it is to think 'fully' means traveling to an exotic island
or doing more things or just living 'bigger' in whatever way.

but i understood what it really meant was tasting my ricecake.
really tasting it.
feeling the texture in my mouth.
feeling the warmth under my body as i sat there and feeling the emotions
that were inside of me.

lately i've been kinda fed up with my emotions.
tired of their intensity. tired of tuning in with things i'd rather tune out.
tired of being so aware so intense.

silly girl.
feeling that IS burning your candle brightly. living fully.

i thought of my moment in my back yard earlier in the morning.
i sat out there thinking of my friend.
tears runnin' down my face.
got up to head inside and somehow in the leaning forward to get up,
the green moss caught my eye.

it's on fire with spring today.
its energy is just buzzin' around my yard.
i stopped in mid lean and looked at it.
marveled at it.
and wrapped its energy around my heart.

THAT is fully living.
THAT is the kinda thing i want to pay attention to.
and i think that's just part of the deal -
just the way it works -
if you can feel the gorgeous spring energy,
you can also feel a whole lot of stuff you wish you couldn't.

the trick, ms. ter, is to open to it all and fully hold it.
THAT should be the only grasping i do today.
i know it won't be.
but it's a good thing to shoot for.

and i know it's something i could do to honor my friend.
which makes me want to try all the more.

stretching

so i've been tryin' to stretch lately.
physically.
as in yoga.
but we can't call it that.
cause um.
ohmygosh i can barely bend.
so, for now, to avoid confusion, i've been calling it 'stretching'.

and wow.
do i ever need to.

i see slight improvements.
just slight.

the thing is, i look at this and wonder where the heck would i be if
i didn't even try?!  i'd like to keep at this for the rest of my life.
so that feels good and right.
and a little unnerving when i look at how much i need it, and i think
'what if i had waited another ten years? or just not done it at all?'

no beating up on myself. just kinda amazed how important it seems
and how i'm only just doin' it. and how i can feel how much i need to be stretched.

and that's physical.

today i did some emotional stretching.
sigh.

i had to get out of my comfort zone.
i like my comfort zone.
thing is, i wasn't comfortable in my comfort zone,
and i figured i'd be even more uncomfortable if i didn't leave it for a bit,
so i left it and got uncomfortable outside of it.

so much for comfort.

but my friend reminded me that it was like the stretching -
good stuff, needed to be done, would help in the end, even if it didn't feel
all that great in the moment.

i've been thinking about that.
and while i want to be grumbly about admitting it right now,
i know that's so true and it's as important as the physical stretching.

we gotta stretch if we wanna grow with any kinda grace.
we gotta stretch.

with the physical stretching, i haven't minded it.
i've even liked it.
cause i can see i need it really badly and i can see it will only help me.

i'm not as eager with the emotional stretching.
and i think that's interesting.
prolly means i need to do a whole lot more of it.......

for the love of books......

i had a million things to do,
and then -
i went to pick up a book and put it away.

a good book.
oh.
this is really good.
there was something in here.....
i'll just take a peek.

a little flip of the page here.
a little flip of the page there...

reminded of another i had on my shelf that i hadn't seen in a long time,
i wandered over.
just a quick look...

and then i went to another book shelf.
why's this one over here?
i'd rather have it over there.

and then.......

i started looking, holding, moving and treasuring a whole buncha books.

what am i doing??? i thought.
i had so much to go work on.

but i couldn't tear myself away.

i felt like i was surrounded by some of my best buds ever.

finding a special spot for my favorites, i patted them, smiled, and headed back to work.

i thought of my dad as i sat back down.

he was about as non-materialistic as you get.
he had two luxuries in his life -
air conditioning and books.

thank goodness it was the air conditioning i rebelled against and not the books.
i can live without air conditioning for the rest of my life,
but please don't ever take my books!

gonna get it back.

i knew i had given up something i loved when i stopped my morning walks.
i knew that.
and wouldn't have stopped for any other reason besides it didn't feel safe anymore.
it made me sad and feel like i lost something i loved.

but i figured i would find what i got on my walks in different ways.

it's been a long time.
and i've tried different things.
but i haven't found anything that did for me what the walks did.

but it has been a long time.
so it's been a real gradual slide into 'whatever.'
without even knowing it.

i like my exercise that i do in the house.
i like the yard work.

and somehow i just let something so important to me just slide away.

the other nite i saw it.
i saw what i had lost.
and i saw how much i needed it.

and i was stunned at how it had slipped away so gradually that i just let it go.

i decided i had to find a way to get it back.
something that important had to be gotten back.

i know some of the key elements i need.
like the sky.
i gotta have the sky.
and bein' outside.

i know yard work distracts me from inner work.
so that's not it.

but i know that much and i plan on playin' around until i figure out how to get back what i lost.

so all that's being looked at.

the point here that i wanted to make is - I LOST IT.
without even knowing it.
i just figured i'd get it back somehow and in that casual figuring, i totally lost it.

how many of us have lost something that is so incredibly valuable to our well being?
how many times have we just let something slip away because we assumed it would
take care of itself? how much have we let go of because we weren't working hard to
keep it?

why do we let that happen?
and what are we gonna do about it?

do we just get old and one day figure out we lost most of the things that made life
worth living?

seemed like something to really notice.

checkin' in with our hearts

it's a long story.
of how the emotions twisted and turned,
how memories came up and photos caught moments
and my eyes watered with it all.

but here's at least one of the bottom lines i came up with from it all -

follow your heart.

yeah.

follow your heart.

but oh, there was more today.

follow your heart totally and trust where it takes you.

and trust where it takes you.

that part.

i watched someone want something so badly,
she betrayed her heart.
maybe she got confused and thought she WAS following her heart
and needed to close part of her heart to go where she needed.
maybe she didn't realize she was betraying it.
but i think she figured that out after a bit.
it didn't work out in the end.

maybe everyone nods and figures that's a no brainer.
but seriously, how many of us have experienced this very thing?!

i know i have.

and today i keep thinking - it's about following your heart
in a way that you honor all of it. not just parts of it. but all of it.
and when we do that, it isn't always clear where that will take us
or if that will gain us what we think we need....
and that's where the trust part comes in.

trust where it takes you.

i'm thinking our check ins with our hearts can't happen enough.
i'm definitely checkin' in today.

sharing

today, i'm staying quiet.
and sharing ms. anne lamott.
what can i say? she wows me.
and seemed to be sayin' a lot of what i was feeling today -

check her post out here.

getting below that stuff....

one sentence from the man and he grabs me.
who else?
mister mark nepo.

he wrote this sentence -
'Suddenly I was below what I inherited.'

he was reacting to a bee out of fear because that's how he was raised.
and then suddenly, he was below that fear and decided to not react
in the usual way. he tells the story. and he does great!

he goes on and talks about our rings of safety and our rings of fear...
really good stuff that we should all just get his book and read about.
('the endless practice' by mark nepo)

but that one line -
it just grabbed me.

what are the things we inherited that we aren't questioning
yet have such a part in our lives?
and are they holding us back from truly living?

ohmygosh.
it couldn't be a more perfect morning for those questions.

i have the world's best partner who pushes me on these things,
who refuses to let me settle in and coast with him.
he pushed again this morning.
and then i read that line.

i closed my eyes and breathed in the timing.

i know the answer to these questions.
and i want to get below what i inherited.

what a beautiful thing to keep in mind this weekend......

gonna try to remember......

there's something i've watched enough to believe in and to know.
thing is, a lotta times i don't want to acknowledge it.
cause it requires that i work more than i may want to.
and yet, the benefits are worth the work.
so why oh why do i drag my feet?

if only i knew of an elixir that took my laziness away.

so what is it i know?

that by focusing on the gratitude
and not wallowing in the unsatisfied,
my whole life changes.

we've all heard it.
so much so it verges on the trite.
thing is.......it's way way cool.
and way way powerful.

i know it.
i watch it.
i know there's power in it for every thing and every one around me.

and when i'm doin' good, it's so easy.
i can see it and act upon it and revel in it.
those are the easy, good times.

it's when i'm not doin' so good that i don't wanna do it.
it's not that i don't believe in it,
but there's something deep inside of me that wants to wallow.
that wants to focus on the parts of me that are feelin' like they
didn't get what they wanted.

honestly, sometimes i wanna dope slap myself.

i am pretty darn sure that if i stuck with this and did this in the hard times,
so much of my life would change.

and i'm pretty darn sure it takes muscle to do this.

i can't really figure out why.
why it's so hard.
why the strong deep desire to wallow.

but it's there.

i think there's a strong deep desire to keep things as i've know them.

and again, i wanna do the dope slap.

i'm doin' good now.
it all seems so easy.
and yet i know.
i've been down the road so many times before.
i won't keep this.
i will want to turn from the gratitude.
i'll focus on the unmet wants or whatever.

thing is, i'm thinking hard about it right now.
and i'm gonna try really hard to be aware of it.
and to remember this is my choice.
even when life throws something at me.
it's my choice.

and i'm gonna work on flexing my muscles and doin' work
that really doesn't have to be work - if only i can just learn that.

just thinking...

there's something that's growing in my heart.
i'm not sure how to describe it -

it has to do with the beauty of having a quiet belief in ourselves.

i was going to type that it's such a fine line to walk with the staying open and
hearing different points of view, and staying strong in yourself.
that they seem to conflict with each other.

but as i think about it, i don't think that's true.

i think doing that - the staying open to all kindsa thoughts - IS staying strong in yourself.
you're genuinely opening to what's around you and learning from all directions.
and THAT does make you strong.
and if you listen to your inner voice at the same time,
what an incredible combination that can be.

and here's the thing -
it's a quiet strength.

you're too busy being strong to be loudly proclaiming how strong you are.

and i think right now that's what i'm craving.
not just in myself,
but in those around me.

i don't want to hear you tell me you're incredible or beautiful.
or have the answers and can teach me about life and living.

i want you to BE incredible and beautiful.
just quietly be it.
i want you to teach me about life and living by the way you live your life.

i  don't want to be dazzled with your wisdom that you lay at my feet,
but rather dazzle me with the wisdom you live out during your days.

i don't need you to tell me.
i can see.

and as i think about it, the people i truly admire never tell me how amazing they are.
they're too busy learning and growing and being to bother.

i want to be strong in myself.
so strong that i don't need anyone else to tell me i'm strong.
i just am.
and i just do my thing.
and i'm COMFORTABLE doing my thing.
that's an important part.
and keep tryin' to learn from those around me.

that quiet strength is so appealing to me right now.

i don't find the other as strong. it seems a desperate attempt to be something.
rather than just being.

there's something zennish mixed up in here.
and today, i keep thinking that i just want to grow my inner strength for me.
and my inner comfortableness.
i want that too.
for me.
just for me.
and i want to quietly live it.

not always right....

had a terrific conversation with my sons -
it started out talking about 'identities' -
those labels we put on ourselves and then feel defensive about if they get threatened.
can be anything - artist, writer, programmer, musician, wine connoisseur,
yoga expert, guru, teacher, survivor, feminist - anything.

that comes up a lot in my family as something to watch.
to pay attention to.

we all have them. and we need them.
they have a place.
but if we get too attached to them, jerk-like behavior tends to surface.
so being aware seems like a good thing.
so we talk about it here and there.

and all this led into the idea of admitting you're wrong, when you're wrong.
and how often that can a difficult thing.

one of my sons said he wants to pay attention every day to being wrong
and owning it when he is.

i love that.
and i wanna do this.

and i'm thinking it won't be too hard to find those opportunities for myself!

it's just another way to keep things in perspective -
to keep humility in the pot.
and it has an extra little twist to it.
and the twist adds a dimension that so matters -
it adds staying open and listening to others and not always having the answers.

i keep thinking all the answer having that i hear every time i turn around is really damaging stuff.

so i like this twist a lot.
a lot.

and i just love these sons of mine!

me and the spring....

trust the process...
trust the cycles...
and push thru what you got to.

that's the lesson i got at the end of this winter.

i could feel this whole winter hibernating thing happening with me.
it felt right. it felt like part of the process and part of the cycles of the seasons.
it felt like a quieting i needed to do.

thing is, hibernating and getting lethargic are two different things,
and i think there's a fine line between them.

at some point, i took a turn.
from hibernating into lethargic.
and i noticed.
and i told myself spring was coming soon enough and it'd all take care of itself.

but then one morning i woke up and told myself nope. i wasn't gonna just wait.
it was time i grabbed my life back. i didn't want to just wait.
this wasn't a 'trust the process' thing.
this was a 'do what you gotta do to live' thing.
and so i deliberately got myself moving.
i started with cleaning.
that's always a good place for me to start.
one thing leads to another, i keep moving, and somehow my thoughts
get cleaned up along with my house.

and then i decided to concentrate on coming alive again.

and now, as i sit and look out the window,
i notice the grass turning green. i notice a little color in places there was no color.
i look a the sun warming everything up -
and i feel like i'm coming back alive right along with the plants outside.

and it feels so good.

and i love that i stepped up to bring myself back from the land of lethargic.
i love that.

so much of life is a process that i want to trust.
and so much of life is work and effort that i need to put forth.
learning what is what is an ongoing lesson,
one i hope to get better and better at.

for now tho, i'm just feelin' like a little tulip poppin' thru the earth again....
and smilin'......

a question to mull....

i noticed something years back,
and i've watched ever since and i'm a believer -
it's this -
the older we get the more what's inside of us takes over our looks.
that's the best way i could put it.
and then i read a line from mark nepo last nite
and i gasped!

'We slowly become what we seek.'

bam.

i love that way of putting it.

and um....
doesn't it just make you stop and think?!

what the heck are you seeking?!

thought that was a good question to carry thru the weekend........

an inner mentor

so i needed some advice.
some direction with my thoughts.
and as i was sitting alone in my house,
i decided to conjure up an old woman who might give me some.
so i imagined her,
and there she was.

and my gosh, she was a tremendous help.

it worked so well the first time,
i thought i would do it again the next day.

and so i did.

and once again, i felt like i got some great food for thought.

how cool is that?!

i think i'm onto something.
it's time i tapped into a whole world of imaginary friends!

i've been doing this for years with my inner child.
i visualize a younger part of me and chat with her,
connect with her,
that kinda thing.
it always feels good and helpful.

but to imagine a crone who could help me out -
well, this is new.

and i'm loving it.

it fits great with a belief i already have -
i sincerely believe that we all have a wise one (or 'ones') inside of us.
i believe that if we really listen to our inner voice,
we can be led by great wisdom.

this is just a really fun way to put a face onto it all.

need a mentor?
perhaps you're carrying one right around inside of you already!
could be fun to find out.

tea in the morning....

so i got to have tea with a really cool woman this morning.
if i had to pick one word to describe her, i'd be stuck between
'genuine' and 'inspirational.'
either one will work, because they're really the same thing to me.
i don't think you can be genuine without being strong and true to your heart.
and that's the stuff that inspires me.

spending time with her really reminded me of the beauty of women my age.
it's so easy to forget as our culture nudges us to look elsewhere,
but there i sat captivated by her beauty.
her dark eyes pooled with it.

there wasn't a lotta time to share lifetimes with each other,
so chapters of living that were filled with struggle were boiled down to paragraphs.

but having lived our own chapters, there was understanding of the depths
that lay beyond the paragraphs we shared. that in itself is so cool.

a few years back i might have described her beauty as that of a survivor.
but i don't like that anymore. it seems too easy for the role of survivor to become
who we are. to overtake our identity. and somehow limit us.
it can catch us and snare us, just when we think we made it thru.

there's something so beyond surviving.
when we don't stop there.
when we don't live there.
when we keep going.
when we just keep trying to be true to ourselves.....
even when we know life isn't going to stop throwing curve balls.

there is beauty in the going forward even as we carry weights we may never
put down.

i had been playing with a concept lately - trying to see 'the big picture' and maybe
make things in the past less powerful by seeing the whole. i'm thinking now some
things in the past are just really powerful. and will always leave aches or scars
or holes that we carry...and maybe i don't need to make that any different than it is.

maybe it's okay. and maybe it's part of the beauty that we carry.
to continue to act from your heart, to offer what you can, to be genuine,
to care, to work and fight for what you believe in, to be kind -
to have held a belief like that - to have grown a belief like that -
not in spite of life, but because of life -
well, there's something incredibly beautiful there.

i was reminded of that this morning.

when you....

paying attention

if you asked me if i wanted things to be easy,
i wouldn't hesitate.
i would nod with great vigor and say 'oh yes! i really really do!'

but even tho that would be my first reaction,
i don't think it's true.
maybe sometimes, yes.
but a whole lotta times no.

a friend told me yesterday that just because you buy what you think
is olive oil, it doesn't mean you're really buying olive oil.

oh great.

so i got on the computer and started checking that stuff out.
sure enough, it's something to check into, it's something that you can easily
be fooled with, and it's something else to learn about.

one thing led to another, and before you know it, i was checking out
the store 'trader joe's.' - i've kinda wondered about them as i don't see
any labels on their stuff of where things are from. now, i'm not a regular
shopper there, and i haven't made it my mission to look at everything.
i think just here and there i glanced and didn't see any info on that. so i
got curious and read about them as i did the olive oil search.

and i'm thinking that they're not as cool as they appear to be.
not anywhere near it.
since this isn't an article on trader joe's, that's all i'll say - if you are curious,
you can google and read to your heart's content.

thing is.......as an entrepreneur, i am completely fascinated by how
the entire store is a package in itself and it is selling the image, even if
there's nothing to back the image with. talk about a marketing wonder.

while i'm not thrilled about that, and think it's wrong, i still find it
incredibly impressive how well they pull it off.

i find if amusing that i am so impressed with it.
but seriously, so many details into making you think one thing,
when reality is something else.

and i thought about that.
and i thought about how we have to stay on our toes.
how we have to pay attention.

we (or at least *i*) want it to be as easy as you walk into a store
that's aimed for the environmentally/health conscious person where
you can pick anything up in there and feel good about it. i want it
to be that easy.

there's a whole lotta people who want that, hence the success of illusions
in advertising.

and there's nothing that easy.
anywhere.
so get over it, terri, and pay attention,
do your homework,
and work for what matters to you.

and ya know, i'm not opposed to that.
in fact, i even kinda like it.
sometimes.
not always.
but sometimes.
i really do.

it's become a world where easy is just so glorified.
and i'm thinking easy really needs to be approached with caution.

her white tree

today's quote of the day (which bone sigh arts sends out every weekday morning)
(click here to sign up!)
is one that means a lot to me.
when it first was birthed, i typed out the whole story in a blog here.
that was years ago. and i'm thinking now it doesn't need a story.
if you've been thru something, you already understand.

it's one very close to my heart.
so i wanted to post it here today as well.

it's called 'her white tree'

a tree of life.
a tree of knowledge.
a tree of soul.
a tree of goodness.
a tree of her.
it was her core.
burnt.
scarred.
hacked.
cut.
chopped and carved in.
it was still there.
it was still there!
pushing the ashes out of the way,
making room for sunlight and water -
she nurtured it back to fullness,
she nurtured it back to life.
and she and her tree
held the sky and its moon
and together, they danced
and together, they grew,

you can find the print here
as well as a book bearing the same title here.

i thought it was a good quote to post here as we head into our weekends.
your white tree is right there inside of you.
push those ashes outta the way, and make some room for sunlight and water!

for you...thank you...

so...um...rockefeller.......
my fascination with him -
(you can find the blog here, in case you missed it)
well, it was never really with him.
it was the pipelines and the ability to change directions in such radical ways....
all that inspired me to get his biography.

which is hugely long.

i dove in with great interest.
and actually, think it's a great book.
good reading.
thing is,
the guy's a twit.

so i read about his childhood and his dad - who i can't believe
they haven't made a movie out of as he's SUCH a movie character -
and the things that formed rockefeller. and all that fascinating stuff.
but now...actually reading about how he took his dysfunctional self
and made a ton of money......well, i really don't care.

and so i put the book aside.

what i'd rather be reading about is how someone took their dysfunctions
and got beyond them. who took those darn things and left them in the
dust and created a life- a real life - full of love and healthy decisions and choices.

been thinking about that today.

and i realized - i am surrounded every single day by people doing just that.
it's mostly women i talk to, yet i know there's a ton of men struggling with
such pain as well. but the women are the ones i hear from.

their courage, and strength and hope that they carry around with, and that they drop
and lose,and then find again, and pick themselves up again, and grow stronger and
stronger with...THAT is SUCH inspiration.

and i get to hear about that every single day of my life.

in being reminded of that today, i wanted to take a moment and thank
each one of you who has come thru and shared part of your story with me.
thank you for the inspiration, and the light that you bring to my world.

bet you never really thought about comparing yourself to rockefeller before.
but i gotta tell you, i find you way more impressive, and who i want to watch
and learn from.

thank you for bringing who you are to the world.

worth watching

had an interesting talk with my son today.
and it reminded me of this ted talk i saw.
it's a few years old now. and i honestly didn't go there because of anything in the news now.
i just remembered one guy reaching out.
and how that spiraled and spiraled and spiraled.

it was an Israeli reaching out to the Palestinians.

i went and watched it again this afternoon.
and once again, it brought tears to my eyes.
if you haven't seen it, or if it's been awhile,
come check it out.

i was curious as to what they're up to now.
i went to their facebook page to look.
you can find that here.

i've got absolutely no political point here.
i just remembered one guy reaching out.
and i wanted to see that again.

i'm so glad i looked.

an interesting thought

ah, mister mark nepo made my eyes pop yet again!

he says this -

'...whatever our blindness, the heart can sink below the noise of its memories
and wounds. .....the heart wakes slowly, and only our gentleness - our willingness
to sink into the depth of things and wait - will let us see and make our way.'

i liked that. but that's not the part that made my eyes pop.

he follows it up with a thought on gentleness -

'codependence is the shadow of gentleness.'

THAT'S the part that made my eyes pop.

any other recovering codependents out there?
thought you might be interested in that thought.

he continues - 'The examples are everywhere and commonplace: not voicing truth
to power, always putting our needs last, being nice instead of authentic, hiding
who we are instead of expressing who we are.'

sound familiar?!

did to me.

and in all his marvelousness he reminds us that being human is all about
course correcting constantly. and it's okay when we slip around.

(from mark nepo's 'the endless practice')

my persistent inner self

it was over a week of bad dream after bad dream.
some downright nasty nightmares mixed into the bad dream stream.
i honestly was thinking that sleep wasn't sounding so good anymore.

and it was driving me particularly crazy because i had told myself
i wanted to work with my dreams more.

so here i was, being flooded with dreams and i was havin' a hard time
remembering most of them, and the ones i did remember i couldn't
get meaning out of. and all of them felt wearisome.

and then.....i got a chance to just have a slow day.
and as i sat by my fire, drinking tea and just trying to understand
some of the feelings inside myself,
i had an aha moment.
a moment where i could name a feeling that i have a lot,
that i didn't have a name for before.
the names i used before weren't quite right,
and this new name seemed to truly fit.
and interestingly enough, the word to describe this feeling
had been thrown around a lot by myself lately without me even
realizing the connection. how thick headed can i possibly be?

i could see how this feeling was pushing me right now.

and i was so excited to have a name for it,
an understanding it was there,
and a partial seeing of how it was affecting my life.

suddenly some of my dreams that i could remember were making sense.

talk about a desperate attempt from my insides getting me to see something.

wow.
i sipped, looked at the fire,
and nodded, telling myself 'ahhh i'm starting to see.'

and guess what?!
last nite, for the first time in over a week,
i had a really pleasant nite's sleep.

my gosh, if there is a wise woman inside me tryin' to communicate,
she's just gotta get so frustrated sometimes.
but i'm smilin' at her now and very grateful for the persistence
my inner self offers me!